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They’ve been cramped together in the van for several hours already — on their way to an early morning schedule far from the city — when their manager finally decides to pull them all over at a rest station, a chance for the group to get out and stretch their legs. It’s the middle of the goddamn night and the road has been looking the same for a while now, empty and endless, Kihyun staring out the window for so long that even when he looks away, he can still see stark white lines on smooth black pavement.
He’s currently squashed into the back seat with Changkyun and Hyungwon, both sleeping, warm weights at his side all bundled up in huge winter coats. The car is completely silent, the lights turned off as the manager turns into the rest station parking lot, and for all intents and purposes, it’s fairly cozy. Well, as cozy as a crowded van containing seven fully-grown boys and one very cranky manager can be.
They’ve got a few more hours to go on their trip, so they’ve all been drifting in and out of sleep, Kihyun the sole exception. He’s been listening to the hum of the engine and hovering just on the edge of slumber, in that frustrating, aching place where one can’t quite fall asleep but can’t be considered totally awake either. It’s not really surprising; Kihyun’s had a lot of trouble falling asleep lately even at the comfort of the dorm in his own bed, much less squished in the back of a moving vehicle.
Kihyun knows what Hoseok would say if he knew that Kihyun wasn’t sleeping well these past few weeks. He would suggest that Kihyun join him in the living room to work on some compositions, or maybe up on the dorm rooftop to admire the glittering city skyscrapers and to write some lyrics. He’d say that if neither of them could sleep (something that happened quite often), then they might as well go somewhere else, try to take their minds off of it and create something.
Then again, Hoseok might also suggest that Kihyun prepare a midnight snack for the two of them. After all, Hoseok would say, immersing himself in one of his favorite hobbies would definitely help Kihyun to clear his muddled mind.
"And what could be more enjoyable than cooking for your favorite hyung?" Hoseok would say, smiling that dazzling smile of his and laughing as Kihyun would playfully hit him in the stomach. Kihyun grins a little at the scenario playing out in his head, and his chest suddenly feels a little tight.
Kihyun can only see the back of Hoseok's head from where he's sitting right now, but from Hoseok’s relaxed stillness, Kihyun can tell that he's managed to fall asleep, and he's happy that Hoseok is able to rest, he deserves it with how hard he works and how much energy he gives each day. More perhaps than any of them, Hoseok is the one who gives and gives and gives while never asking for anything in return.
But for Kihyun, there's just too much spinning around in his head for him to be able to slow it down, and it’s too loud for him to cover it up or wave it away. Well, it's really just one thing, that one thing, and it's a constant burden on his shoulders, a thick haze that clouds all of his thoughts at all moments of the day and leaves him unable to ever rest, to ever truly rest.
Their manager finally pulls over to a slow, gentle stop in the near-empty parking lot and turns on the lights inside the car, unbuckling his seat belt and turning around to rouse everyone from their sleep all at once with a few loud smacks of his hand on the dashboard.
One by one each of the boys awakens and peels themselves out of their seats, all of them moving on autopilot, unbuckling their own seat belts and groaning as they stretch sore limbs and blink their vision into focus, the quiet stillness of the past few hours dissolved into a flurry of soft noises and motion. Minhyuk is the first to actually exit the car, wiping some drool off of his face before scrambling to open the door and mumbling something about the bathroom.
"Ten minutes," their manager says, grabbing his giant thermos to go get a refill of coffee as he leaves the van next. The members all exit the vehicle one by one after him, touching down onto the pavement before they scatter, yawning and rubbing sleep from their eyes as they walk on sore legs, Minhyuk making a beeline for the rest station's main building.
Kihyun is the last one to get out of the van, allowing everyone else out first so that he can walk by himself, get some fresh air and have some time to think alone while not also jammed into a tiny backseat with two other boys. He stretches his arms high in the air as he steps onto the pavement, lets out a little moan as the feeling returns to his muscles and the cool air hits his skin, then heads toward the rest station, following along at a considerable distance behind the others, some of whom are chatting quietly and others walking in silence with their eyes half-closed.
It's an unassuming place, with one main building and a few smaller ones flanking it, and a nice grassy area and some picnic tables scattered along the outside. Kihyun notices a few other travelers around, but it's mostly empty, with the outside areas lit dimly by some incandescent streetlights and all other light spilling out like a beacon from the brightly-lit inside of the main building. The boys get closer, and their steps echo loudly in the empty, silent parking lot, and because the roads are pretty deserted at this time of night, there's no sound coming from the highway either.
Kihyun shivers, his breath coming out in thick visible puffs as he walks, because it still gets quite chilly at night, even this close to springtime. He knows that if he hadn't insisted on walking behind and separate from everyone else, that if Hoseok had known that Kihyun was cold, he'd offer his coat in a heartbeat, drape it over Kihyun's shoulders like a warm embrace, giving up a piece of himself to Kihyun like he had done so many times before in so many different ways.
They all make it inside a few seconds later, and while the rest go for the bathrooms or the vending machines, Kihyun and their manager enter the little convenience store inside the main building, and Kihyun has to squint as his eyes adjust to the too-bright artificial lighting, not to mention the vibrant, colorful packages of all of the junk food filling the aisles.
Soft, wordless music plays in the background, the store completely empty save for the cashier, a young, bored-looking woman who’s reading a magazine and popping bubble gum loudly, glancing at Kihyun as he walks in before going right back to her reading. With one look, Kihyun can tell that it's an entertainment magazine, filled with glossy pictures of well-known idols and actors and full to the brim with gossip and rumors.
As Kihyun wanders the aisles and makes his way towards the refrigerated section, he wonders vaguely if a day will come when they'll be famous enough that they won't be able to just walk into a convenience store like this anymore, when that woman at the register would recognize him immediately and excitedly ask for a photo or autograph. Kihyun smiles a little to himself at the thought, because that's the kind of thing that Hoseok always talks about.
While their manager goes to the coffee station to refill his thermos, Kihyun ends up buying just a bottle of water, still only half-awake and only half-aware of what he's doing. The truth is, he feels as if he's in some strange, alternate universe, buried deep in his own thoughts as he walks back to the checkout, moving thick and slow, almost like he’s walking through a dream. On his way, he spots a shelf filled with what must be 800 types of instant ramen, and, yet again, he thinks of Hoseok.
Kihyun really doesn't know how much more of this he can take, how much longer it’ll be before he'll have to scream it out into the night sky.
Kihyun pays for his water, smiles politely at the cashier who continues to mostly ignore him, and then leaves. On his way to the front door of the building, he walks by Minhyuk, Jooheon, and Hyunwoo, who are all involved in some sort of heated conflict with a vending machine that won’t accept their crumpled paper bills. Hyungwon is leaning up against the wall, looking like he might have even fallen back asleep, while Changkyun has the group’s iPad out and is secretly filming the altercation happening before his eyes with a wicked grin on his face.
Hoseok is nowhere to be found.
Kihyun walks back outside into the frigid air and looks up at the night sky, having not thought to pay much attention to it earlier. Without the light pollution that he’s used to from living in the city, for once, he can clearly see the big, gorgeous full moon and the bright, twinkling stars splashed against deep, midnight blue, so dark it’s almost black. The sky seems to go on forever right before his very eyes, and he thinks he can even recognize some of the constellations that he had learned about when he was a kid.
It’s really a stunning sight to behold, and as cliché as it sounds, it really does make Kihyun feel so, so small, makes Kihyun appreciate how he’s just one tiny, confused person swallowed up in the grandeur and the beauty of the universe, wrestling with emotions that he doesn’t have the first clue as to how to deal with. As he continues to admire the stars in silence, he unscrews the cap on his cheap, plastic water bottle and brings the bottle to his lips, his mind finally starting to clear as he takes a sip and the cool water trickles down his throat.
Kihyun knows that he has to deal with this, with what he’s feeling, as soon as possible. He just has to, because things will never go back to the way that they were before. The only way to go is forward, if only he knew how.
A few more minutes pass, and Kihyun finishes his water before walking back towards the main building and around the side in search of a recycling bin. He ends up going all the way around to the back, where he just finds more parking lot.
And Hoseok.
Hoseok is there, leaning up against the wall and looking up dreamily at the sky, just as Kihyun had been doing mere moments before. Hoseok is half-hidden in shadows and half-illuminated by moonlight and so, so beautiful. Ethereal, even, his face looking so soft and thoughtful and his skin practically glowing. He looks like a sculpture, like a work of art that belongs in a museum.
Kihyun's heart starts to pound hard in his chest, because this has to be some sort of sign.
Quickly noticing Kihyun’s presence, Hoseok turns to him and smiles gently. “Kihyunnie,” Hoseok says, his voice sounding tired but full of affection nonetheless. “What brings you back here?”
And Kihyun has to tear his eyes away from Hoseok’s plump, candy-pink lips to reply, “Just looking for the recycling bin,” Kihyun’s eyes meeting Hoseok’s for a split second before he has to look away, blushing.
Hoseok smiles again and gestures to the bin at his right, and he moves a little bit out of the way as Kihyun walks over and tosses the water bottle inside. Kihyun feels strangely nervous, then, as he moves to lean up against the wall on Hoseok’s other side.
A few seconds of silence pass between them, and it’s not uncomfortable exactly, but there’s tension there hanging between them, tension that Kihyun’s positive that Hoseok can feel too. And Kihyun tries to act casual, looks down at his hands and examines his fingernails, but lately, it’s getting harder and harder to act like everything’s normal around Hoseok. Kihyun wonders if Hoseok can hear how fast and hard his heart is beating right now; to Kihyun, it’s the only sound that he can hear inside his head.
A cold, biting wind passes through, and Kihyun is unable to suppress the shiver as goosebumps break out all over his body. Hoseok, of course, notices everything.
"Kihyunnie, are you cold?" he asks, his voice deep and gentle.
And before Kihyun can reply, Hoseok is already removing his coat and wrapping it around Kihyun's shoulders. His face gets very close to Kihyun's as he leans down and gently maneuvers Kihyun's arms through the sleeves like a parent with a small child, and Kihyun is sure he can see Hoseok's breath hitch when he moves in even closer to zip Kihyun up, Hoseok pulling the zipper closed all the way up to the dip just below Kihyun's lips, their faces only inches apart as their eyes shyly meet.
Kihyun takes in a sharp breath, his heart skipping a beat, and he looks down, because he can’t take the intensity of Hoseok’s gaze anymore, Hoseok’s eyes heavy with a million unspoken words. Kihyun sighs as he slides his hands into the pockets of the coat, his face flushing a deep red as he stares down at the pavement. The coat is so soft and so warm, big and fluffy, and it even smells like Hoseok, and Kihyun feels like he’ll never be cold again.
When Hoseok steps back, Kihyun can see that he’s now down to just a tight sweater that stretches tautly over his shoulders and his biceps and his chest. The lines of his all of his muscles and even the rise of his nipples from the cold are visible through the fabric, and Kihyun gets a little dizzy at the sight, his mouth falling open.
“Aren’t you cold?” Kihyun asks quickly, trying his best to save face, his brain struggling to form a sentence. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I’ll be okay,” Hoseok says.
And then, there’s more strange, tense silence. Hoseok looks down and kicks at some dirt with his sneakers, doesn’t say another word.
Kihyun’s eyes flit once more to Hoseok’s lips, and Kihyun thinks, as he’s been doing more and more often, about what it would be like to ksis them, chastely, sweetly, passionately, desperately. He looks at Hoseok’s strong arms and thinks about what it would be like to be held by them (held up by them, pinned down by them). And then, Kihyun looks into Hoseok’s eyes as they dart back up to meet Kihyun’s own, and Kihyun thinks about those eyes staring down at him while they both lie on a bed, eyes filled with something profound and devoted, something that Kihyun swears he can see sometimes in Hoseok’s gaze when he thinks that Kihyun isn’t looking.
“Is everything alright, Kihyunnie?” Hoseok asks, his voice breaking through Kihyun’s fantasies, his eyes locked onto Kihyun’s and his voice going so, so soft. “I couldn’t help but notice, you’ve seemed a little down lately...especially...”
Hoseok pauses to take a breath and his gaze slips downward again, his eyebrows furrowing.
“Especially around me,” he finishes, his voice nearly a whisper now. The look on his face breaks Kihyun’s heart.
“Hoseok...” Kihyun starts, but his brain is short-circuiting and he doesn’t know how to finish his thought.
"I haven't done anything wrong, have I?" Hoseok asks, looking back into Kihyun’s eyes again and sounding a little panicked. "You'd tell me, wouldn't you? If things weren't...okay between us?"
"Oh Hoseok, no..." Kihyun says hurriedly, and before he can stop himself, he's reaching for Hoseok's hand, his body and his instincts moving faster than the rational part of his mind screaming at him to stop.
Kihyun takes Hoseok's hand between his own, looks down and rubs his thumbs over Hoseok’s knuckles gently, then looks back up into Hoseok's eyes. He can see the understanding flash through them briefly, followed by the softest expression that Kihyun has ever seen on Hoseok's face.
Kihyun's not surprised. He's known for a while now, deep in his gut, that Hoseok shares his feelings, his burden, and that they've both just been dancing around each other, waiting for the other one to make a move, both of them thrilled and terrified at what could happen, where they could end up together. It feels like it's time.
"I..." Kihyun starts, but he can't believe that this is happening now, right now, in the back of a highway rest station in the middle of the night.
"Kihyun?" Hoseok asks, his eyes widening and soft color spreading over his face at Kihyun's touch. Kihyun takes a step closer to Hoseok and moves to rest his hands flat on Hoseok's warm, firm chest. He can feel Hoseok's heart racing underneath his palm.
As Kihyun moves even closer still, his hands sliding up to grip Hoseok's shoulders, Hoseok's eyes flutter, just a little bit. Kihyun is so close now, their bodies are touching, and he could individually count each one of Hoseok's long, dark eyelashes, and Hoseok looks almost...expectant, his hands dropping slowly to rest on Kihyun's waist, his grip delicate. Kihyun feels a sudden urge to sob, or to maybe bolt. This is all happening so fast.
"Kihyun..." Hoseok repeats, and Kihyun can see that he's holding his breath, his lips slightly parted.
Hoseok looks so earnest in that moment, completely open like he's just as ready as Kihyun is to take that leap of faith, and it feels like they're sharing one mind, and one heart, like they're the same soul held in two separate bodies, and Kihyun suddenly feels that there's no reason to be scared anymore, and that there never was reason to be at all, the fear gently flowing out of him all at once like exhaling a deep breath, and all he feels now is resolve, and the deepest swell of affection.
Whatever happens, they'll get through it together, like they've gotten through everything together. From training together, to debuting together, to finding each other now under the streetlights, always understanding each other without ever having to say it out loud.
Hoseok's eyes fall shut as Kihyun starts to lean forward.
But of course, they're interrupted. The horn from their van beeps loudly, ripping through the stillness of their moment, ruining everything.
Kihyun immediately steps back, withdrawing his hands and quickly looking down at the ground. He can't help but laugh sadly, even as his face burns bright red and he feels like he could scream in frustration. Kihyun looks up after a moment, and Hoseok just looks winded and flustered, like all of the air was just pushed out of his lungs and all of the warmth sucked from his body.
"Ah," Hoseok murmurs, his voice weak and broken, "I guess it's time to go back."
They walk to the van together in silence, and it's tense and it's awkward and seems to last forever, and as they separate to return to their seats, Hoseok not even looking at him, the tips of his ears still red, Kihyun knows for a fact that this can't go on any longer, that whatever they’ve started, they have to finish it.
And it's only when they've been driving again for over an hour, and everyone's fallen back asleep, that Kihyun realizes that he's still wearing Hoseok's coat.
Kihyun knows that it's only a matter of time before everything will change.