Work Text:
Yuichiro can’t find his brother. He hadn’t been bothered about it too much at first; Muichiro is a wild soul, always curious and teeming with a childish naiveté urging him to set out and explore the woods outside their house. He always finds something new, too: a pretty flower, a new animal, a little clearing – always finding something new to show to Yuichiro.
“I want to share everything I find with you ‘cuz you never go out, nii-chan.” Wasn’t that what Muichiro had always told him? Yuichiro had assumed that was why he’d been missing this morning as well.
That was hours ago.
Yuichiro still can’t find Muichiro. Panicked, he’d gone to their parents for help, on the verge of tears and hysteria rising up his throat – Mom! Dad! Muichiro’s gone!
They’d looked at each other and back at him, soothing him with a gentle pat on the head. “Everything will be all right, Yui. Why don’t you go wait for Mui inside? Mom and Dad will go look for him, all right?”
But how was he supposed to sit there quietly and wait, when Muichiro could be anywhere right now? Dear gods, Muichiro could have been injured, scared, screaming for Yuichiro to help him, and Yuichiro is already helpless, but he’d be damned if he let anything happen to Muichiro, that stupid, stupid, stupid boy.
Gods, if Muichiro had gotten hurt, Yuichiro would never forgive himself. It would all be his fault for continuously letting Muichiro out of his sight. The woods are dangerous – he knows that, even if Muichiro can’t seem to get that inside his head. It’s Yuichiro’s responsibility as his older brother to take care of him, and he couldn’t even do that? Pathetic.
He tries not to pay heed to the burning on his skin, cast by open wounds and gashes and branches slapping at his face and leaves and – dammit, where’s Muichiro? He couldn’t have gone far, could he? He never does. He’s supposed to not go far. He couldn’t have gone far. The panic that has been continuously building turns primal, hellishly cold and metallic on his tongue. He can’t find Muichiro. He can’t find him. Dear gods, where’s Muichiro?
Yuichiro can’t help it. Tears prickle at his eyes, blurring his vision, and he wipes at them aggressively. He can’t cry now, dammit. He can’t be weak now! And how would he find Muichiro when he’s here crying like a wimp? He’s not the kind of person who cries easily – he’s never cried in his life as long as he can remember, but here, in this empty forest, the thought of losing his brother hits too harshly until his mind revolves on nothing but being left alone.
“Muichiro!” he shouts, breaking into a run. “Muichiro! Where are you? Muichiro!”
His voice echoes lonely. Birds chirp in reply, buzzing and squawking. He’s been looking for him for over an hour now. He wonders if their parents have had any luck looking for him. Maybe Muichiro was back home? Safe? Waiting for him? Yuichiro would never dare give himself false hope, but right now, that thought is all he can cling to. He just can’t lose Muichiro.
A meek voice. “Y-Yuichiro?”
Yuichiro freezes, almost tripping on his own feet. He wipes at his cheeks and turns around. Muichiro’s there, sitting hunched at the foot of a tree with his arms wrapped around his knees. His eyes are red, leaves and branches tangled on his hair, looking like a complete wreck. Muichiro sniffles and looks up at him with wide eyes.
Yuichiro wants to cry all over again.
He takes a step forward, but Muichiro darts forward, wrapping his arms around Yuichiro’s waist with such a force that Yuichiro almost loses his footing. He stands there, dumbfounded, as Muichiro cries against his shoulder, anger and panic temporarily forgotten at the sight of his brother’s tears.
“Yui! You’re here!” Muichiro babbles, still crying. Yuichiro hesitantly reaches up to pat his back comfortingly, and he feels Muichiro relax a bit more under his touch until his cries fade into sobs.
Yuichiro would really like to comfort him, would really like to be the older brother Muichiro deserved: kind and understanding and patient. But his concern explodes into anger instead, crippling annoyance and gods what were you thinking going this far into the woods you could have gotten hurt or worse –
Yuichiro yanks himself away from Muichiro’s grip, holding him at arm’s length. He glares at his brother, fists clenching as temper boils to a hot winter glade that bites at his eyes.
“Where the hell have you been?” he snaps. “Do you have any idea how long we’ve been looking for you? What’s gotten into you?”
Muichiro blinks, before his face crumples again and Yuichiro would really like to slap himself and beat himself senseless. Why can’t he ever be kind to him? He tries to force his mouth to open, apologize and tell Muichiro to stop crying because everything’s all right and Yuichiro’s there to protect him now, but the words won’t come.
Muichiro drops his gaze, hiding his tears from Yuichiro. Yuichiro grits his teeth at the sight, heart clenching. He’s always making everything worse. Why can’t he do anything right for once?
“I’m sorry,” Muichiro mumbles. “I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
Yuichiro doesn’t reply to that. Alarmed at his silence, Muichiro looks up, eyes searching for any clue of what Yuichiro could possibly be thinking. Maybe. Yuichiro can’t really read his brother’s thoughts, but the need for his approval has always haunted Muichiro. If only Yuichiro could put on a kind expression.
“I – I was just following the little bunny I saw earlier,” Muichiro continues hurriedly. “I wanted to show him to you, but I lost him and I didn’t realize I’d gotten so far from the house, and – and –”
“Why didn’t you call for me, then?” Yuichiro interrupts. “We could have followed it together or something! You could have gotten hurt, out here on your own! Don’t you get that? You’re always being so stupid! What the hell’s going on in that head of yours?”
Muichiro flinches. Yuichiro quiets down. Those words were never what he wanted to say, but harsh words is all that he seems to have. He runs on gas fumes and bitterness but the catch is that he hurts himself every time he sees Muichiro hurt, especially if it’s because of him. He can’t help it. Yuichiro’s not born to be kind. He can’t be as kind as Muichiro or his father and mother. He’s not strong enough for that.
He wishes he was.
Muichiro doesn’t say anything else anymore, shifting restlessly and peeking shyly up from beneath his bangs from time to time, as if gauging Yuichiro’s temper. He feels like a ticking bomb, sometimes. Yuichiro sighs loudly, and Muichiro snaps to attention, flinching once again as if readying himself for another berating.
Yuichiro looks away, holding his hand out. “Come on. Mom and Dad are worried. We should go home now.”
There’s a moment of silence, and then Muichiro slips his hand into Yuichiro’s, warm and calloused from hard work. Yuichiro wants to cry all over again in relief. Muichiro’s safe. He’s all right! He’s never been particularly religious, but at the moment, Yuichiro wanted to praise the gods and Buddha for letting him find his brother safe and sound. Muichiro squeezes his hand as Yuichiro starts tugging him up the mountain again, and belatedly, Yuichiro squeezes back.
I’m here, Yuichiro wants to tell him. I’ll always protect you, Muichiro.
He hopes Muichiro can at least feel that, even if Yuichiro can never quite bring himself to say anything.