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Yoongi isn’t used to silence. In fact, he almost never has to deal with it. He’s always writing or listening to music, and he just isn’t used to this kind of silence. He wishes he could make it right, but it’s far too late for that now.
He stands in front of the smiling face at the wake and wonders if he could have somehow prevented this.
The answer is a heartbreaking yes.
—
Yoongi remembers being an awkward high schooler. He remembers the roses he bought, but more than that he remembers Seokjin’s bright smile as he accepted, the pretty blush dusted over his face, and the way he trembled happily when Yoongi pressed their lips together.
Their dates were simple picnics in the park, Yoongi writing music as Seokjin read next to him, both of them leaning on each other and resting under the shade of the big tree in the park. Sometimes they went to the beach, and sometimes they went to the zoo, and sometimes they went to the amusement park.
Yoongi remembers being happy.
—
They didn’t start holding hands until their last year of high school, but once they started, Yoongi couldn’t get enough. All Seokjin did was study, unlike Yoongi who roughhoused and played sports with the other boys, so his hands were soft. Yoongi pressed kisses all over it and Seokjin would giggle.
They first had sex on Yoongi’s bed, the night before they graduated from high school. Seokjin had been scared, and Yoongi had been embarassed. Yoongi remembers Seokjin had hurt a lot, and Yoongi tried to make it better but mostly failed. Seokjin had still smiled and Yoongi remembers kissing away the tears as they trickled from the corners of Seokjin’s eyes, apologizing over and over again.
Eventually Yoongi did get better at it, enough that Seokjin always teased him about their first time. Yoongi thinks it was a testimony of how much they loved each other, how Seokjin could joke about a time Yoongi had hurt him.
—
They got into different colleges, but that much was obvious because Seokjin had always been a bookworm while Yoongi had chosen to do music.
Seokjin supported his decision when Yoongi decided to drop out and start fully going into music.
Yoongi wonders if that was the point where everything started getting twisted.
—
He got a label, and before he debuted, they told him to break up with his lover. He’d argued he wasn’t trying to become an idol, but they’d said being attractive and single never hurt. Fangirls were fans. Money was money. They wouldn’t debut him until he was single.
So that night, Yoongi took Seokjin to his favorite cafe. It’d been a while since they’d gone on a date, and Seokjin had been excited about it, giggly and chatty. They’d held hands, Yoongi had bought Seokjin an oversized scarf from a cheap street vendor, and paid for their drinks and Seokjin’s cake.
He’d been blinded by his dream and he broke up with Seokjin there. Yoongi had left him crying, in Seokjin’s favorite cafe, his favorite cake and drink in front of him, wearing the scarf Yoongi bought him, three days before his birthday.
It was, Yoongi thinks, unnecessarily cruel.
—
Yoongi debuted, and saying he was the biggest hit of the year was an understatement.
He was the hottest thing around, the most in demand, and his music played everywhere. It wasn’t short lasting. Every single he put out after reigned charts and killed competition.
He forgot about Seokjin’s face as he cried and begged.
—
Two years after he debuted, Yoongi learned, through his mother, that Seokjin had been sending him gifts since his debut. He had though the little packages, always wrapped in soft pink pastel paper, were just like any other fan gifts.
Seokjin had always taken care of him, and he hadn’t known.
—
Two days ago, Yoongi had said on a radio show he was on that he was craving cake from a certain cafe but he was too busy to go to the other side of Seoul, especially when it was so close to the end of the year.
Seokjin had been on the way back from the cafe that Yoongi had broken his heart in, clutching a box of the chocolate cake that they always shared. Yoongi thinks Seokjin was probably happy, because Seokjin was stupid like that, supporting Yoongi even though all Yoongi had done was hurt him.
Seokjin had the green light and he’d been crossing. Yoongi imagines he was humming a little. The car that had just turned the corner was speeding too fast, and there had been snow on the ground. Seokjin didn’t hear it. He was listening to Yoongi’s song.
It was still playing on repeat when they fished it out of the blood-stained snow.
—
Yoongi lets the tears fall. He’s ignored the emptiness in his chest all these years. Tried to fill it with his music, and when that failed, just tried to make more.
He probably had known he never stopped loving Seokjin. He wants to get drunk on Seokjin’s scent. Wants to walk with his arm around Seokjin’s waist, wants to listen to Seokjin’s chatter. Wants to hear Seokjin call his name again.
But now that’s all just a meaningless dream.