Work Text:
Love is not over, it doesn’t make sense
Story is not over, it doesn’t make sense
Talk is not over, it doesn’t make sense still
Problem is not over, it doesn’t make sense
- BTS, 'Does it Make Sense'
Seokjin sighed with relief and satisfaction as he toweled his face dry, and smiled a little at himself in the mirror. Rearranging the towel on its hook, he turned off the bathroom lights and stepped out of his bedroom, clicking the door shut. He stretched his arms and upper torso as he made his way into the kitchen, now smelling like fig, musk and a hint of bergamot thanks to the electronic diffuser he had switched on an hour earlier in the living room.
He hummed lightly to himself, setting the kettle to boil, and opening his fridge, taking out some eggs and chopped spring onions. He turned to the cabinets and removed a packet of ramyeon, opening it up and paused when the doorbell rang.
He looked at his phone, and though there were random messages, none of his contacts had signaled they were going to come over to visit, and it was nearly midnight. He frowned, wondering who it could be, as he padded towards the door. Perhaps one of the manager hyungs, but they would have certainly called in advance, and his heart quickened because surely it could not be –
Seokjin sighed, mostly in relief and a little in disappointment as he peeped through the eyehole, and unlocked his door.
“Namjoon, what brings you here at this hour?” Seokjin asked, letting the leader in, noting the tall, enigmatic gentleman had probably traveled to his place after whatever agenda he had during the day. Seokjin shivered slightly when the early winter breeze blew past, and quickly shut the door after Namjoon. He took his coat and hung it in the coatrack by the entrance, and Namjoon stepped inside, rubbing his hands. Seokjin quickly stepped into the kitchen and prepared a cup of tea, grateful he had boiled the kettle which had come to a boil at that very moment. He turned and offered the mug to a thankful leader, and looked inquisitively at Namjoon.
“Namjoon, is everything okay? Are you alright?” Seokjin asked, concerned. Namjoon smiled against the mug and nodded.
“I’m doing fine, sorry to worry you hyung. And sorry to drop by like this without any notice. I spent the entire morning and afternoon at the studio, and then my schedule was around your neighbourhood, so I decided to drop by,” Namjoon told him, sipping the hot tea, relishing its taste, appreciative that Seokjin had remembered his sweet tooth, and probably slipped in some sugar. Seokjin smiled and shook his head.
“No, no worries. I’m glad you stopped by. In fact, I was about to have a midnight snack,” Seokjin indicated, sweeping his hand at the eggs, spring onion and half-opened ramyeon package. “You’re welcome to join?” Namjoon grinned at that.
“You know I’d never turn down ramyeon hyung,” and Seokjin opened the cabinet to pull out two more packets, and began preparing their little midnight snack.
There was something comfortable about having Namjoon, or any one of the boys over at his apartment. It had been a while since they had all moved out of dorms and lived by themselves, only coming together to their shared apartment during intense schedules closer to comeback periods or for prolonged filming like Bon Voyage. Seokjin liked his apartment, he luxuriated in the solitude, being an introvert himself and liking quiet places, but having spent a good ten years with noise and rambunctious teens, he admitted that he missed the hustle and bustle, the constant companionship, that you could find someone if you looked hard enough, to eat with, play with or talk and complain to. Right now, Namjoon made his apartment a lot warmer.
“Voila! Ramyeon a la Seokjin,” Seokjin said teasingly, setting down the pot on a heatproof mat, and handing Namjoon chopsticks and a spoon, and placing two bowls for each of them down on the island in the middle of the kitchen.
“Thanks for the food hyung,” Namjoon eyed the ramyeon, mouth watering, and without hesitation, dug into it immediately. It took both of them a couple of bites and slurps before they could settle into a comfortable conversation, their appetites taking precedence.
“So, you really just decided to pop by after your schedule? We’re meeting for a group schedule tomorrow, you know. You must be tired. Usually all you want to do is go home and spend time on the internet and sleep,” Seokjin observed, spooning more ramyeon for himself. Namjoon was silent as he broke his egg yolk and stirred it into his soup.
“Well, alright. I was worried about you hyung. I guess I just wanted to see how you were doing,” Namjoon confessed, spooning some ramyeon into his mouth, a little clumsily as some soup dribbled down his chin. Seokjin operated on autopilot, taking some tissues and dabbing at it gently.
“Me? Worried about me? I’m doing alright,” Seokjin said, surprised. Namjoon took in his hyung’s wide, doe-eyed expression and his lips lifted into a rueful smile.
“I knew you’d say that,” Namjoon stated, sitting hunched forward as he observed the insides of his bowl. He seemed to think deeply before going forward with his next few words. “It’s just that, it’s been a while since we’ve all gotten together, and, well, it feels like you and Taehyung have become rather, hot and cold, maybe more cold than hot, let’s just put it that way. And it’s not just me who’s noticed,” Namjoon said, fixing Seokjin with a questioning stare.
Seokjin felt his neck and face flush and he looked down at his own bowl. “Yes, alright, we haven’t been the most consistent couple, but well, what can you do? Taehyung is Taehyung and… I’m me,” he answered, as though that would satisfy Namjoon’s query. Namjoon was right though, it was not something as overstated as shouting matches or heated arguments, but it was there. It was funny how being in a relationship, or being in love even, resulted in a strange sort of unseen gravity that one felt, and others in the same space could also feel or observe. It certainly was not broken, but for a couple of months now, Seokjin could feel something fraying at the edges, the ties loosening, the unspoken bond that was so strong somehow dissipating.
Was he somehow responsible? Had he let it happen? Seokjin pondered as he slowly pulled the spoon out of his mouth. Namjoon sighed, distracting him from the meandering of his thoughts.
“Has Taehyung come over recently? Or have you gone to see him?” Seokjin slowly shook his head.
“I don’t really want to bother him, you know that Namjoon. When everyone’s busting their asses twenty-four seven, and on individual schedules, I don't want to inconvenience you guys, especially not Taehyung,” Seokjin pointed out.
“Well, he might not be thinking that way, you know,” Namjoon replied, shoveling more ramyeon in his mouth as he spoke, spattering some droplets onto the countertop and his hand. “He might be waiting for you to make the first move. I don’t mean this to be rude, but you sometimes come off as a little cold, so he might misconstrue it as uncaring, though he should know you by now,” the last clause of the sentence came off as a mutter, a comment to himself, and Seokjin stopped in mid-wipe on Namjoon’s hand, pressed his own on top of his, and they shared a look.
All of them had soft spots for each other, that much was certain. Namjoon most certainly had a soft spot for Taehyung, in his own way, having been roommates and people who naturally liked to talk and share feelings. It was evident that Namjoon cared deeply for Taehyung, guiding him from their trainee days, always ensuring the sensitive youth was never pushed too hard or too far, always keeping a watchful eye on him.
But Namjoon had a soft spot for Seokjin too, though dissing his hyung and jumping on the bandwagon to tease him occasionally, would never push the boundaries unlike some of the younger ones, strictly keeping to formalities when speaking to him, gently supporting Seokjin, his one partner in crime for dancing especially, spending many hours together trying to perfect a choreography. Seokjin honestly did not know what he did to deserve such love from their wonderful, introspective, brainy leader, but it was there.
And though it was unspoken, it was understood that Namjoon had yielded, quietly, to Taehyung, who in all his fiery youthful passion, declared Seokjin his in a way that was different from the brotherhood that all seven of them had shared. And Seokjin would be eternally grateful to Namjoon for never putting feelings into words, and into reality, and for being so mature, gracious and accepting, supportive even, for the both of them.
So now it was incredibly ironic that Namjoon was here, giving advice to Seokjin, on a relationship that had ruined his own chances. Seokjin’s eyebrows drew together in amusement and he let out a short breath at how funny the gears of fate worked. Namjoon’s eyes were still on him, and his other hand had travelled to ensconce Seokjin’s hand in a Namjoon hand sandwich.
“It’s different for an outsider, you know, it’s so easy to see what’s going on and where the pitfalls are, but for the people involved, it’s like groping in the dark,” Namjoon said gently. Seokjin let out a sigh and gripped Namjoon’s hand lightly.
“Namjoon, you know I’m no good with words, and I don’t operate on my emotions, and maybe, just maybe, it’s inevitable that it would turn out this way,” Seokjin confessed, at which Namjoon’s eyes widened and his back straightened. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Taehyung, I love him with all my being, and that’s why, if Taehyung has better prospects, if he so chooses to run wild with the wind, and if he’s happier that way, I’d let him go in a heartbeat,” Seokjin said, a smile on his lips, because he knew it was the truth. Namjoon’s face was hard, but Seokjin saw the hurt and pain reflected there, as though Namjoon was Seokjin’s emotional avatar.
“You need to tell this to him, Seokjin. We’re human, and maybe you don’t need the same kind of reassurances that Taehyung needs, but he does, and he needs to hear these words,” Namjoon said desperately. “Taehyung’s feelings are important, but hyung, like Jimin said before, you bottling up is dangerous,” Namjoon emphasized by clutching Seokjin’s hand, and he winced at the unintentional pain, causing Namjoon to quickly release. “Sorry hyung.”
“I think deep down he knows. But, I’ll keep in mind to tell him next time I have a chance,” Seokjin said gently. “You know my philosophy Namjoon. I don’t tie people down to me, if they don’t want anything to do with me,” he stated.
“Some people don’t really want to leave though, they want to see you fight for them,” Namjoon shook his head and then smiled. “But yeah, hyung, I’ll leave it to you to take my advice or not, but just know that we care for both you and Taehyung, and we don’t want to see the two of you hurting,” he reiterated. Seokjin nodded.
“Hey, so you were in the studio, were you working on the next potential title track or?” Seokjin asked, standing up to clear the dishes and wash up.
“Kind off. Just playing around with a couple of beats, scribbling some lyrics, brainstorming with Yoongi hyung on the next rapline song,” Namjoon told Seokjin, the atmosphere lightening up once more.
“Yoongi was in the studio, huh. Well, not surprised at that,” Seokjin huffed, pouring Namjoon another cup of tea. “I sent Slow Rabbit hyung some of my nonsense tunes but I haven’t gotten any feedback yet, we’ll have to wait and see,” he shrugged. Namjoon’s eyes lit up at that.
“Actually, Slow Rabbit hyung shared some with me today, and I really liked a couple of them hyung. I was really impressed when I heard them!”
The kitchen was filled with murmuring, work and casual conversation mixed together, giving Seokjin, and he hoped Namjoon, a peace of mind and some semblance of warmth. It had been a few weeks since their individual schedules had started, and since then it had been really just a smattering of greetings and filler conversation as they passed each other by. Seokjin knew the hole being filled in his heart at this moment, was a result of the six boys now forming an irreplaceable aspect of his life, and felt he had taken for granted times spent in the dorms, though the boys were just a phone call away.
As he sent Namjoon off, having called the leader a cab, he took Namjoon’s arm, and tried to say as seriously and sincerely as possible, “Namjoon ah, thank you for coming by today. I mean it, thank you. I’m okay.”
In a spur of the moment, Seokjin felt himself swept up in a bear hug and he returned Namjoon’s crushing embrace, laughing and choking.
“See you tomorrow hyung. Have a good sleep and don’t dwell too much on what we talked about,” Namjoon said, waving goodbye as he disappeared into the lift. Seokjin stared at the lift long after Namjoon had gone, and shut the door behind him quietly, still feeling the warmth imparted to him from the hug.
***
One of the staff had switched the pounding house music to something lighter, classical, and for that Seokjin breathed a small thanks. Though Namjoon had told him to simply sleep, the night had of course been one of tossing and turning, only managing a measly three hours of proper sleep before being jolted awake by the alarm and dragging himself out of bed to get ready to be picked up by the manager.
He bundled himself in a large puffy jacket, the studio plenty warm, but Seokjin wanting to cocoon himself, insulated himself from the hustle and bustle. He was on standby for their group photoshoot, and he watched fondly as Jimin and Taehyung were taking their unit photos, professionals as they posed, and in between, fooling around with their phones, Jimin’s laughter audible from where Seokjin was sitting.
His thoughts inevitably drifted back to the night before, and he wondered, as his lids began drooping and he fought against the delicious sensation of falling asleep, if having a ‘talk’ really would make things right between them two. It wasn’t as though things were awkward, they had said hello and smiled and made conversation today. It was just that Taehyung was acting cordial towards him, something that threw the others off. And as Namjoon had stated, it was more cold than hot nowadays, the extremes sometimes surprising Seokjin himself, days where Taehyung would attach himself to Seokjin’s hip were rare recently but when it happened it went on for the entire day. Then, for the next few days, Taehyung would act as though it had never happened, sometimes not even throwing Seokjin so much as a glance.
He awoke with a little snort and a loud gasp, straightening, and realized he had dozed, leaned his head on someone’s shoulder who had materialized next to him. He shifted slightly on his stool and murmured an apology and saw that it was Namjoon whose shoulder he had rested on. His gasp must have been louder than he thought, as some staff had snapped their heads towards him, and Namjoon looked mildly surprised, looking up from a book on his lap.
“Hyung, you must be tired, you can keep dozing. Hoseok and Yoongi hyung are up next anyway,” Namjoon reassured. Seokjin sighed and snuggled deeper into his cocoon, and chuckled when he felt strong arms slide around his body.
“Jungkook ah, let your hyung sleep,” Seokjin muttered. Jungkook giggled as he rested his chin on Seokjin’s shoulder.
“Sure, go ahead, I’m just going to sleep on you,” Jungkook replied, as he half-clambered onto Seokjin, who protested and nearly collapsed onto Namjoon as a result of Jungkook’s weight pushing him off the stool. The three of them burst out laughing as Namjoon struggled to take on the weight of both Seokjin and Jungkook, using his feet as an anchor on the ground. Most of the staff had gone back to work, and the three members fooling around were oblivious to the stare from afar fixated on Seokjin since he heard the gasp, and witnessed Seokjin leaning on Namjoon’s shoulder, and the two of them exchanging soft words, and Namjoon’s gentle fondness expressed towards him, the gentle caresses on Seokjin’s thigh and arms that did not cease even as Jungkook had joined the fray.
***
Seokjin wiped his face with his towel, a little tired out from the day’s schedule, but thanks to Namjoon and to a degree, Jungkook, managed to take a short nap during the day. He would get used to it eventually, first days were often like this, and though it was tiring, he gained energy from being around his six brothers after all.
He yawned and stretched, about to settle in bed and get comfortable scrolling through his phone and maybe going online to chat with army, when he heard his doorbell ring, causing him to jolt in shock. Sighing and calming himself, Seokjin threw on a dressing gown, and padded out into the hallway and tentatively called, “Namjoon?” as he made his way to the door and peeped through the eyehole.
His heart beat a little faster as he opened the door, and greeted Taehyung softly, letting the younger boy in, who smelled of the winter night, and his signature heady sandalwood cologne, that still remained strong enough to waft past Seokjin as Taehyung entered. Seokjin pulled the robes around himself tighter as he observed Taehyung taking off his shoes.
“Taehyung? Is something wrong?” Seokjin shook his head as he felt déjà vu. There was a short silence as Taehyung hung his coat on the rack and finally faced Seokjin, silently beckoning him to step out of the doorway. As Seokjin drew closer, Taehyung finally spoke.
“Why did you call Namjoon hyung’s name?” Taehyung inquired, his voice surprisingly calm and quiet, not like the past few times when he had displayed possessiveness and jealousy.
“Ah, well, Namjoon had come over last night, and so, since no one really turns up here in the dead of the night without informing me beforehand, I thought he decided to drop by again,” Seokjin answered, as he began making his way past Taehyung and towards the kitchen. “You must be cold. Do you want some tea?” he asked, but Taehyung grabbed his arm, stopping him, and instead led the both of them to Seokjin’s bedroom.
Seokjin was at a loss for words, and at a loss at what to do, and stood there, still clutching his robes, feeling like an outsider in his own bedroom. Taehyung had sprawled on his bed, a familiar and yet strange sight to Seokjin, reminding him how much of a distance existed now between the two of them. Even now, after a full day’s schedule, the young man looked devastatingly handsome and delectable, spread out on his bed. He swallowed, and keeping his tone light, walked towards his wardrobe.
“Ah Taehyung, you must be uncomfortable in those clothes. Should I text the manager hyungs to just drop by here tomorrow to pick the both of us up? Or should I not? In any case, I think you still have your pajamas here, do you want the Tata pajamas or did you want – “ Seokjin was cut off when he heard shifting behind him, and felt a light pulling at his robes.
“Hyung, I want to talk about us,” Taehyung said somberly, dark locks hiding his gaze. Seokjin nodded and slowly sat down, facing Taehyung, holding onto a set of pajamas in his hands.
“Alright, I’m listening,” Seokjin said as gently as he could. Taehyung expelled a breath.
“I want to hear your thoughts. I want to hear what you think,” Taehyung finally said, leaning back, challenging him, throwing down the gauntlet. Seokjin bit his bottom lip and mulled over his thoughts, recalling the advice Namjoon had given him last night.
“Well, my feelings for you haven’t changed a bit,” Seokjin said, a nervous laugh slipping out at the end of his sentence and Taehyung stiffened at the admission. Worried he had placed pressure on the younger boy, Seokjin hurried to say, “But I know things recently have been different, and in the past few months, I’ve felt a shifting between the two of us,” Seokjin stroked the pajamas on his lap as the only distraction available, and his gaze dropped to the slightly faded material, a result of being in the wash many, many times. “Honestly, I don’t know how it happened, and I don’t blame either of us, but I want you to be honest Taehyungie, about what you want,” Seokjin said, lifting his eyes.
“I want you to tell me what you want hyung.”
“I want whatever makes you happy,” Seokjin answered simply, and in a heartbeat and a blink, found himself on lying on his back on the bed, pajamas knocked out of his lap and onto the floor, Taehyung grasping both his wrists by the side of his head. He inhaled deeply and inwardly chanted a mantra to remain calm, ignoring the pounding of his heart.
“Don’t tell me that! Don’t – don’t sound so selfless and so fucking mature,” Taehyung ground out, his eyes now visible, flashing fire and looking tortured. He buried his head into Seokjin’s neck. “Tell me you want me, tell me that you’d hate me if I cheated on you, if I wanted to leave you, tell me you want to kill me if I did that, tell me you feel jealous when I play around with Jimin or I –“ Taehyung broke off after the barrage of words, and Seokjin felt the desperation radiating off him. After a few seconds, allowing Taehyung to collect himself, Seokjin slowly worked his wrists out of Taehyung’s defeated grasp and sat the two of them up, his hands lightly supporting Taehyung’s lower back.
“Or you’d?” Seokjin asked, watching Taehyung’s downturned face.
“I feel gross and disgusting, for being the only one who feels these horrible feelings when you’re with someone else. The heat and anger, the jealousy here,” Taehyung slammed a palm onto the left side of his chest, “Seeing you and Namjoon hyung today, hearing you let out that gasp, that should only be privy to my ears, and my ears alone, and then hearing that he paid you a midnight visit yesterday, it burns me up from inside and it hurts!” Taehyung almost yells, his chest heaving as though painfully extricating poison from his being. “It hurts being the only one feeling this way in this relationship!” Taehyung’s eyes glistened with tears and a sob is suppressed as he continued, “To be the only one who wants in this way, to be the only one who wants to possess completely, seeing you in control makes me want to scream,” Taehyung finished and rubbed the tears away from his eyes.
Seokjin stared in shock at the young man, having expected some sort of dismissal, some sort of admission that feelings had died down and blown over and he was now into someone else. Not this. Not this strange confession of feelings, and how his selflessness, or attempt to be as selfless as possible, was causing Taehyung to feel twisted and tortured deep down inside. He chewed on his lip and summoned all the relationship higher beings and powers to help him as he thought how to best proceed with the situation.
He slowly took the younger man’s hands into his, tenderly stroking his long digits, and waited for Taehyung to look up into his eyes.
“Taehyung,” Seokjin started, looking at him seriously, “Do you know what my greatest fear is?” he asked softly. Taehyung shook his head, blinking away tears that were still forming in his eyes. “Is that one day, you realize that the world is so much bigger than your Seokjin hyung, and you gallop away from me, fast and free, and that there is nothing I can do to stop you,” Seokjin said, smiling sadly at the younger boy, who stilled at hearing these words. “That what hyung wants to do desperately, is keep you by my side, forever and always,” Seokjin continued, gently brushing away the trail of tears running down Taehyung’s cheeks.
“Did you know everytime you play or seek solace in Jimin, I’m jealous of the closeness that you two have? Knowing that I can never replace your soulmate and the joy and comfort he brings you?” Taehyung stared at Seokjin in shock as the older man chuckled. “Don’t misunderstand, Taehyung ah, I love the both of you to death, and I am so, so fond of the two of you, but some days, I envy Jimin, for being something I can never be to you,” Seokjin confessed, stroking Taehyung’s large hands. Taehyung opened his mouth, as though to reply or veto, but shut it, unable to deny Seokjin’s words.
“When you’re not here on the nights I’m alone, my heart yearns for you, and it hurts, because I feel like I can’t call you, I don’t have the right to, especially during these past few months. I want to be more selfish, and maybe, just maybe, I should learn to be more selfish, because I’ve been a terrible boyfriend, and I haven’t been showing you that I want you just as much or maybe more than you want me,” Seokjin said softly, stroking Taehyung’s long curly locks, tucking them behind his ear lovingly.
“But Taehyung, just know the reason why I don’t say these things all the time, is because I – I don’t know. I feel like you deserve better maybe,” Seokjin admitted, letting his hand drop from Taehyung’s face. “Inevitably I feel like you’ll move on to better things, better people,” Seokjin continued softly, looking into Taehyung’s beautiful eyes, “And I’ve been protecting myself by building walls between us, not wanting to be vulnerable,” he brought Taehyung’s hands up to kiss them as he felt his throat thicken with emotion and tears began to fill his own eyes. He felt Taehyung return his grip on his hands, his long fingers intertwining with his own crooked ones.
“I’m just so scared because I love you.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung finally uttered, his voice deep and gravelly with emotion, and they wrapped each other in a tight embrace. Seokjin shut his eyes and drew a deep breath to stop crying and control his breathing, but found his lips captured by Taehyung’s, greedy and needy for affirmation of their love and feelings for one another. “You should have said so earlier,” he said huskily, as he disposed of his clothes, and Seokjin’s clothes effortlessly and efficiently. “We’ve wasted months,” he said against Seokjin’s heated skin, his tone full of regret.
“It’s difficult,” Seokjin whispered, as Taehyung lowered their bodies down onto the sheets, the familiar heat now a full-blown raging fire between the two of them, familiar and yet still exciting and intoxicating. Seokjin gazed dazedly, under a strange spell, into Taehyung’s eyes as he began to work his magic on his body. “It’s hard to be vulnerable,” Seokjin murmured, his breath hitching as Taehyung’s hand increased in pressure and speed.
“It’s alright to be vulnerable hyung, just for me,” came the sweet, seductive voice. “And is it alright for me to possess you? And devour you whole? And to want and take all of you?”
Satisfied with the answer whispered in his ears, he staked his symbolic claim onto Seokjin, once, twice, thrice, again and again, as humanly possible that night.
***
Namjoon felt the difference in the atmosphere in their practice studio the next day, the air much lighter, less dense, as though a storm had passed by and cleansed them all. He gulped down some water and screwed on the cap as he watched Taehyung, Jungkook, and Jimin fool around in front of the large mirrors, creating some sort of silly dance, each of them cracking up as the other exaggerated the dance. Hoseok inevitably joined them, locking and popping, making silly faces and Jimin pulled out his phone to record, finding it hard to hold the phone steady as he tried to refrain from buckling over from laughter.
The two of them had come in together earlier, and Namjoon knew from the slightly discernable swell of Seokjin’s lips, the rumpled tiredness but overall glow from the man that the two of them had somehow patched things up. He had thrown Seokjin a knowing smile and hoped it was reassuring, Seokjin nodding slightly in acknowledgment.
He watched as the four young men somehow made their way to Seokjin and Yoongi, who were chatting in the other corner of the room, and Namjoon chuckled as Yoongi began protesting and Seokjin began yelling in faux resistance as Jimin began preparing to take a selfie altogether. Namjoon did not miss the brief squeeze Taehyung gave Seokjin’s waist, and the quick pat Seokjin gave Taehyung on his thigh, though Taehyung’s other hand was slumped around Jungkook’s neck, and Seokjin’s other hand was up and ready in a victory sign.
“Namjoon! Hurry on over!” Seokjin called, breaking Namjoon out of his reverie. All the boys began calling Namjoon over, and he caught Taehyung’s eyes.
“Namjoon hyung! Hurry up!” Taehyung called, his signature boxy smile on his face, his hand on Jungkook’s neck gesturing him over, his eyes clear and full of adoration. Namjoon smiled and he hoisted himself up from the floor, making his way to his beloved brothers.