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Neil felt it in the everyday things. The miniscule details of mundane life. He felt it when they were first buying cups and plates for the apartment they were renting. When Chris would arrive from the shops bearing a specific wine or dessert he knew was Neil's favourite. Whenever Chris would lose his temper any time he tried to change the duvet cover and would give up, leaving it in a crumpled mess on the floor.
In all of these moments, Neil felt that he had everything he had always dreamed of, and which for so long he thought he might never have.
"Let's take the grey cups and be done with it. They're the best ones and we know it", Chris had decided in the shop, after a long debate over which cups to buy. "What?" he asked, surveying Neil's smiling face. "Why are you smiling? What's so funny?"
Neil didn't answer truthfully. He knew perfectly well that the full sentimental depth of his thoughts were best kept for the songs or, perhaps in edited form, for a quiet evening together, and not for a Tuesday morning in a homeware store.
And today; a few years after they first started spending a generous slice of their life writing and recording here, it was a gloriously clear summer's day in Berlin, bathed in golden sun, and they were doing everyday things again. Visiting a lake outside of the city in the afternoon, going to the cinema in the early evening.
Sitting by the lake was idyllic, picture perfect. Him and Chris sat with their legs stretched out on the lush grass, reading different things, as peaceful as you could dream. Neil couldn't stop thinking of how precious and fragile a moment like this was; how much life had happened for something so simple and beautiful to be possible.
It was difficult to leave, but it was the fact that they wanted to see a particular film at a particular time that evening which finally motivated them to stop lounging on the grass and at the lakeside cafe. As they entered the city it was clear that the summer charm wasn't limited to the lakes and parks. Light filtered through streetside trees, and people sat outside cafes, sipping beers or coffees, relaxed like time was irrelevant.
There was such a simple perfection to this day, it seemed to shine through everything, and Neil was captivated by every detail. The expanse of blue sky, the warm breeze, the sound of the birds in the park, the gentle sway of tree branches. Ordinary life felt like a dream and he knew it was because the person he loved was here with him.
Chris was the one he wanted to be sharing this day with, with every fibre of his being. The one he'd be thinking about, if he were walking through this summer breeze without him. The one he wanted to love and be loved by. It felt deep rooted and intense that Chris was very much the only one he wanted; his one.
A day like this reminded him, not for the first time, of the days when they'd first met, but this was better. So much better, because back then Chris hanging out with him was new, a chance collision of stars, but this time- Chris had chosen, they had both chosen to be spending time together in a foreign city, to be living here part-time, after all those years.
Back then, falling in love with him had felt heart-wrenching, full of ecstatic highs and crushing lows; exciting but uncertain, difficult. Walking through the street under a pink and orange evening sky to the bar Chris liked, to sit there together laughing and talking with drinks in hand, it felt like falling in love with him all over again, and it felt warm and safe.
Finally.
Neil was aware, sharply aware, that there had been so many times when he never thought he would have this. This feeling of conclusion with someone he loved. The peace held in living your days exactly as you wanted the rest of your days to be, and with whom you wanted your days to be with. When him and Chris were together in Berlin, the sheer significance of it never escaped him.
He remembered all the obstacles that used to make this life seem impossible to him. Times where he thought he'd be better off alone. He remembered being in and out of love, being heartbroken, waiting, wondering, and everything in between. And he remembered travelling around the world and seeing Chris beside him an infinite amount of times and feeling foolish for still longing.
Something as relaxed and blissful as this summer's day together, knowing they both wanted to spend the rest of their lives like this, was something he didn't think he could have possibly dreamed up all those years ago. Thinking about everything it had taken to get here, he knew that he would never be able to take this happiness for granted.
Back to the present in Berlin, and the evening was taking on a dream-like quality that made Neil feel like him and Chris were the stars of a quaint indie film set in a Berlin suburb. The rest of the glorious evening stretching out ahead of them, the scent of flowers in full bloom and a deepening twilight, all there for them to share alone together.
Neil's soul was singing out that this was a dream, but he didn't need to say anything. He knew that Chris understood what it meant that they were here together. He knew when Chris was deeply happy, and he was, as they walked back to their apartment in contented silence.
Keys jangled and the door clicked open and Chris headed straight to the kitchen to make their night time tea. It had not escaped Neil's notice how this reminded him of when they used to share a little flat in London in the early days. They had done full circle, and it came back to them writing songs for the love of it in a little flat.
Neil followed him, overcome with affection, hands skimming the cotton of his partner's t-shirt, and left a kiss on Chris's shoulder as he wandered off to hang up the jacket it had been too warm to wear outside.
He didn't catch the lopsided smile Chris sent in his direction, but he heard him say "Go and sit down. I'll bring you your tea", from the other room, and could tell that he was smiling as he said it.
When they settled to watch tv, knowing his tiredness was not going to carry him through a full show, Neil was sat back, leaning against Chris, feeling his eyes drifting shut one too many times.
"You're sleeping again", Chris teased a short while after, and Neil was about to protest that Chris was in no way qualified to laugh at him for excess sleeping, but he didn't because Chris was already placing a cushion in his lap and Neil was resting his head on it. He lay across the sofa, Chris's arm wrapped around him, warm and secure. Another quiet reassurance.
Neil took Chris's hand in his, held it against his chest and closed his eyes, the sound from the television fading to a distant hum. His mind started trying to shape what he was feeling into a song. He wanted to celebrate the different strands of it: how lucky he was to have this life doing things he loved, but also the fact that love was at the centre of it all. It always was, wasn't it? Being here with Chris was the golden prize around which everything else revolved.
That was something eternal. The dazzling brightness and scent of the summer, though he wanted to capture and remember it, would change, but his feelings wouldn't. He wanted it to always be them, through when the leaves dried and when the winter chill took hold. Always.
Winter, spring, and summer, autumn; always in my heart
Live like this forever and we'll never be apart
You are the one I want, the one
There was something cathartic, Neil thought, about making the central line of a song very simple. To dress up the verses with the scenery but bring it back to the main point in the chorus, that it was a love song. So simple there could be no mistaking what his feelings were. As immovable as the statement he was making, carried on a melody as light as air.
He would always be a writer, because when you experienced days like this, when you felt that soar of joy and love, that sharp pang of gratitude, that sort of magic, it felt like a crime not to create something lasting from it. A song, words and music you could return to again and again. And he could do that; they could create that right here together.
When the tv was turned off, Neil opened his eyes and stared up at Chris, who was muttering something along the lines of "Alright, sleeping beauty. Are we going to bed or not?"
Neil laughed softly and sat up beside Chris on the sofa, where they shared a silent and weighted look.
Chris touched the side of Neil's face with his fingertips, searching his face for the answer to a silent question, before leaning in decisively to kiss him on the mouth. Neil couldn't help but smile into it. The day had been crying out for it and it felt even sweeter after all those hours in the sun. He didn't know if the look in his eyes had given away his thoughts, but he placed a hand on the back of Chris's neck, willing the moment to last, and kissed back without caring.