Work Text:
Dan logged on to MSN for the fifth time that night. He looked to see if Phil was on, and if he had read his message. It looked like Phil was active, but he hadn’t gotten a response yet. Dan shrugged softly, then slammed his laptop shut. Why did it feel like this? He wanted to enjoy the excitement of all this: and sure, there were moments he had. Like when they had flirted about Muse in their first conversation. That conversation had felt easy. Dan had felt so free then - so able to mess around and see what might come out of it. And it turned out that he and Phil had somehow shared lots of interests and experiences - even though they basically lived on opposite ends of England.
But lately, Dan just felt like he was chasing that feeling that had only briefly eclipsed him. He was chasing that briefly felt ease, that freedom — hunting it down so intently that instead of enjoying himself he just became wound up and frustrated. Now, even when Phil did respond to him, he wasn’t sure if he even enjoyed the conversation. And recently, when Phil had asked if Dan wanted to Skype sometime, Dan had changed the topic of conversation. He was just too scared. Somehow dating his ex-girlfriend hadn’t felt quite this way, but this just felt too vulnerable, too messy and confusing, a knotted mess of ‘too much’ and ‘too little,’ all at once.
With his laptop next to him on his bed, Dan took a deep breath. He knew Phil was probably just busy, or didn’t see his message. It didn’t have to be a big deal. He also knew that he could eventually try Skyping Phil - and if he fucked it up by being an awkward mess, so be it. Words from his high school counselor echoed in his ears: ‘Being uncomfortable is okay sometimes. It sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.’ He wanted this to be true. He wanted to have the kind of courage and self-acceptance that would allow him to take risks and be okay with messing up. But Dan just wasn’t sure he was fit for it all, for a relationship with the type of intimacy he had briefly felt with Phil. Maybe he just didn’t feel deserving of it.
With that thought spiraling through his mind, Dan decided he’d just fuck around on Tumblr again until his tiredness would force him to sleep.
As he opened his laptop again, he heard a soft bing. MSN. Dan cringed. He clicked on the notification, and sure enough, Phil had responded. Up came the familiar wave of dread, excitement, stress, and longing.
‘Hey! U awake 2 skype?’ Phil had typed.
Dan felt his heart drop in his stomach. He pushed his face into his pillow, a smirk pulling his lips apart. Fuck it! He’d just do it. In his hobbit hair and all. (Well, he still pulled his hood over his messy curly head - he wasn’t that far gone).
“Sure Phil :]” Dan responded.
…
Two hours later, Skype call closed, Dan felt like he could finally breathe. Sure, with the adrenaline pumping through his blood he might not fall asleep anytime soon. But he felt better. He could feel the excitement in Phil’s gaze, could appreciate the way he looked at Dan with so much earnesty, openness, and desire. He felt wanted.
He also knew that his feelings right now weren’t entirely about Phil. His fears, insecurities, and boundaries were his own, as were his desires and dreams. But maybe that didn’t mean he would have to navigate them all on his lonesome.