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The first thing Ben expected to see when he walked through the door was Callum being angry, a crease in his forehead from furrowing his eyebrows, arms folded and distant. He didn’t. What he did walk into, however, was worse. Disappointment. Callum looked at him with that sad look in his eyes, broken. He shook his head, and couldn’t even look at Ben for longer than a second.
“I’m sorry.” Ben whispered, walking forward hesitantly and reaching his hand up to Callum’s cheek, needing to feel his skin. He got like this sometimes, especially recently.
Callum turned his head, lips pressed to the palm of Ben’s hand, and kissed it softly. It was instinctive. No matter what Ben did before, the second Ben’s hand touched Callum’s cheek, Callum couldn’t help but kiss him. “You need to start listening to me Ben. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep seeing you hurt yourself because you think nothing’s changed.”
“I don’t want it to change.” Ben said, voice shaky and tears threatening to fall from his watery eyes.
“It already has.” Callum responded, his hands on either side of Ben’s face now, thumbs on his cheeks, ready to catch the tears that fell and wipe them away. “You’re deaf, Ben, and it’s too dangerous for you to go about your life acting like that doesn’t have a major impact.”
Ben shook his head and pulled away from Callum’s hold, walking over and slouching down on the sofa, blocking his view of the television. “I’m not asking you to change completely. That wouldn’t fun, or fair. I can’t change you Ben. I don’t want to. You’re still my boyfriend, you’re still going to do things that wind me up, like drinking all my hot chocolate when you know it’s the only thing I like, or when you steal my hoodies and never let me have them back.”
Behind his hand, Ben smiled at that.
“Just be Ben.” Callum explained. “Don’t be a Mitchell, trying to live up to that name. Just until your operation. I can’t risk losing you, I won’t.”
“Fine.” Ben muttered, holding his hand out for Callum to take it within his grasp. Callum gladly did, and held onto it as he stood up and moved so he was sitting next to Ben.
Callum pressed a kiss to Ben’s temple, resting his lips there for a few short moments, taking it all in. When he pulled away, he placed a finger underneath Ben’s chin, and tugged slightly. Ben had learned recently that this meant Callum wanted to speak to him. They’d had a lot of new things like this in their relationship. A touch under the chin meaning to face Callum so they could talk. A press on the shoulder for a hug. Fingers intertwining to let Ben know that Callum was there for him. Patterns of an ‘I love you’ tattooed onto Ben’s back, saying the words in a way only Ben could understand.
“Yeah?” Ben asked, raising his eyebrow and taking in Callum. All his freckles and the creases around his eyes, the smile on his lips and how long his stubble had gotten after days of not shaving.
“I think you should think again about sign language.” Callum instigated. Ben knew he was right, really. Not that he was going to admit that. Instead, he rolled his eyes and waited for Callum to speak again. “I’m not gonna push you into doing something you don’t want to do. But I know you hate not understanding when people speak to you. It might be good. Plus, you won’t have to do it alone. I’ll be right by your side, learning it with ya. Always.”
Ben nodded, leaving it at that. He leaned forward and kissed Callum’s lips. That was another thing that happened a lot. Ben was looking at Callum’s lips every time he spoke. He couldn’t exactly help but need to kiss him constantly.
“What was that for?” Callum asked, when Ben pulled away with a smile on his face. “Not that I’m complaining.”
Ben shrugged. “You’re amazing. Thank you for being there for me.”
“Always.” Callum confirmed, smiling. “I’m gonna nip to the shop for dinner. Any requests?”
Ben shook his head. “Anything you want is fine by me.”
Callum stood up, shoving a jacket on over his shoulders, knowing that the clear blue skies were a façade, and it was actually freezing outside. He put his hand on Ben’s head, causing Ben to look up. “Hey. I love you.”
Ben smiled and his heart flipped and his stomach dropped the second his brain put together a sentence he didn’t say out loud.
‘I love you too’.
Fuck.
There was no escaping the truth now. Ben had finally been hit with the realisation that it was real. Ben was really, truly, deeply in love with Callum. And he was yet to say it out loud. The second Callum left the confines of his flat, Ben pulled out his phone from his pockets and set up youtube, shakily trying to learn the tiniest bit of sign language before Callum came home.
He repeated it a few times, thankful that the sign wasn’t too difficult. His hands shook and trembled as he sat working it out, trying to build up the courage to say it to Callum. It was only a few short moments between Ben switching his phone off, and Callum walking back through the door.
“Thought we could make a pizza.” He said, pressing his hand to Ben’s head again. Causing him to look up. “Pizza?”
Ben nodded, smiling at his boyfriend. “Sounds good.” He spoke, and he could feel the nerves in his voice, so he was certain that Callum could hear them.
“You alright?” He asked, concern growing.
Ben, again, nodded, closing his eyes and holding his hand out. “Yeah. Just…come and sit down.”
His eyes remained closed for a few seconds, before he felt the ever present warmth of Callum’s hand intertwining with his.
“What’s wrong?” Callum asked, keeping one hand clasped in Ben’s and the other stroking his thigh, comforting both of them.
“Nothing. I just want to tell you something. It’s important.” Ben responded, pulling his hand out of Callum’s hold.
He took a deep breath, and looked at Callum to calm him down. When he exhaled, he pointed his index finger to himself, and then pressed both hands, one over the other, to his chest, and then unfurled his hands to point his index finger towards Callum. The smile on Callum’s face grew and grew, and before either of them knew it, his lips were locked in Ben’s, hands either side of Ben’s face, lips moving slowly against one another.
When they pulled apart, Ben smiled shyly, and looked up at Callum. “Do you know what I said?” He asked.
Callum shook his head, not taking his eyes off of Ben. “No. You learned sign language off your own back. That’s enough for me.”
Ben chuckled, low and beautiful and Callum couldn’t help but lean into the kiss again, this time only a short, yet meaningful, peck on the lips. “I think you might want to know.” Ben admitted, squeezing Callum’s hands. “I said, I love you.”
Callum’s eyes went wide and doe like and then tears welled up in them before Ben wrapped his arms around him, enveloping Callum into a hug. Tears fell onto Ben’s shoulder, dampening his shirt, and Callum pulled away and dried his eyes, needing to look at Ben to speak to him.
“Really?” He asked. “You really love me?”
“Yeah.” Ben confirmed. “I love you and I’m so sorry it took me so long to finally say it to you. I love you so much, Callum.”
“Teach me it?” Callum asked.
So, Ben did. He held Callum’s hands, fixing them into position whilst saying the words.
I
Love
You
Ben let go, and Callum repeated it. A finger pointed towards himself, both hands pressed to his chest, one finger pointed towards Ben.
“I love you.” Callum spoke.
“I love you too.” Ben responded, finally.