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My Fellow Nasty Pigs,
Do you lads want to come with me to Diagon Alley this weekend? I've got a hankering for some Fortescue's. RSVP.
Yours in sodomy,
Sirius
Dear Padfoot,
What the fuck?
Also, see you Saturday.
Prongs
Padfoot,
Did you mean to send the 'yours in sodomy' to all of us or only Moony? Because I do not remember doing any sodomy with you.
Wormtail
My Dearest Wormy,
Sodomy is not only a sexual act, but a state of mind! I assumed this was common knowledge, but I forgot about your tragic heterosexuality.
Also, you and I have done emotional sodomy, as friends, and I am frankly wounded by your suggestion otherwise.
I shall elaborate further on Saturday at Fortescue's.
Yours. In. Sodomy!!
Padfoot
Hello beloved,
I am literally one room over. You could have stood up and walked a few steps. Merlin, you could have just hollered.
Also, who are you calling a nasty pig?
Yours,
Remus
P.S. Fortescue's this weekend sounds delightful.
P.P.S. I feel like you walking a few steps is also necessary if you are interested in sodomy, friendship or otherwise.
My dearest darling most precious moonbeam,
I think you of all people should be aware by now that I am extremely interested in sodomy of the distinctly non-friendship variety.
You should also be aware that I am both lazy and, quote, "an incorrigible drama queen" (Lupin, Remus. Personal interview, 1978).
I am ever so thrilled that you shall be joining us on our weekend excursion.
All my love,
Nasty Pig Sirius
Padfoot,
how the fuck did you send this to me. did you address it wrong or did you COPY IT OUT THREE TIMES just so we would all know that you two are definitely buggering right now.
Please stop detailing your sodomy, Lily is reading these over my shoulder and laughing at me.
Prongs
Prongs,
I was merely trying to keep you in the loop about this weekend. Forgive me for wanting to turn these soft plans into hard plans.
(Yes, Lily, that double entendre was intentional.)
Stop being such a homophobe!
Love you,
Padfoot
P.S. I most certainly did not "detail our sodomy", but I can if you want!
Dear Sirius,
It is lovely to hear from you, particularly as James did not tell you I said hi in his last letter as I requested. So: hello! Unfortunately, as much as I do love our conversations, I would ask if you could stop sending James owls. We are busy. Or rather, I am trying to become busy, but he keeps getting distracted by the owls. It's not very conducive to the mood.
Yours in Sodomy,
Lily
P.S. I think your owl might be about to have a heart attack. I'm not a vet, though. I gave him some water and a mouse that Minnie brought in an hour ago.
Padfoot,
I mean -- if you're offering, I do have a few questions. I support you and everything, but I'm rather confused about the mechanics. How do you
Sincerely,
Wormtail
Wormtail,
Please don't do this. He's started drawing diagrams.
Moony
Moony,
Are they any good?
Wormtail
Wormtail,
Yes. I'm not done yet.
Padfoot
What did I say about owls? Some of us are busy putting sodomy in action.
Lily
Lily,
PLEASE................... I AM BEGGING YOU TO ELABORATE.
Comradely,
Sirius
Lily,
I'm pretty sure if he's still reading owls you're doing it wrong.
Love,
Remus
Everyone,
I have never been so confused in my entire life. Sirius please send diagrams ASAP.
Peter
Peter,
I'm afraid he's currently consumed by all-encompassing glee, and has therefore temporarily paused production of the requested sodomy diagrams.
If he doesn't get them finished I'm sure he'd be willing to (over)explain when we see you on Saturday.
Best,
Remus
I'm going to kill each and every single one of you.
We shall never speak of this again.
I'M LOCKING THE WINDOWS NOW.
-James
P.S.
A lady doesn't fuck and tell, Sirius, which is why I will give you all the details you desire on Saturday. Also I'm invited now. Yours in Sodomy! Love, Lily