Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You’re only a first year? You could have fooled me. That was an excellent answer Severus.”

Lily beamed from her seat beside him, and he shrugged as if to say, ‘it was simple’. He’d earned the admiring look of several classmates in answering the question and he sat down coolly. He’d offer to study with them later. Of course, they might ask before he could offer and that would be all right.

The Professor had moved on, talking about simple levitating charms, and demonstrating proper wand movement, pronunciation and the like.

“Can you do this one?” Lily, who had been listening very intently during the demonstration, leaned over to ask as soon as there was a break in instruction.

Sev nodded. He’d been practicing the standard charms – and a few less standard – with his Mum since he’d received his Hogwarts letter. When the Charms Professor nodded for them to pick up their wands Sev picked his up and spoke the charm carefully.

Almost instantly, his feather floated up, drifting along the ceiling until it came to land on the Charms Professor’s head. Across from him, the boy who had introduced himself on the train as James Potter still had a feather in front of him on the table. Lily was watching him. “How did you do that?” she asked, eyes wide. Her own feather was still on the table too. “Sev, am I saying it wrong? Leviosa?”

“LeviOHsa,” he emphasized the middle syllable. “Try again.”

“Excellent work, Severus, take five points for Slytherin.”

Lily pushed her hair behind her ear and concentrated on her spell again. This time the feather floated up, not as high as Sev’s had done, but straight and without much wobble. Sev grinned at her. “See, piece of cake.”

“You know so much more than I do,” Lily sighed, bringing her feather down.

Sirius Black’s feather had turned as black as the boy’s name suggested and the Charms Professor was helping him sort it out. Severus thought about helping him, and then thought better of it. It wasn’t his fault that nobody else had paid attention to standard first year charms before they’d entered Hogwarts.

“You’ll learn it all really fast,” Sev turned his attention back to Lily. “We’ll practise it in the Common Room tonight.”

The action faded into the black of the room and Severus turned over, pushing his face into his pillow as his imaginings skidded roughly to a halt. He’d been thinking about Hogwarts for months now. When his Mother had purchased his robes, used ones patched over, rather than brand new ones from Madam Malkins, Severus had thought instead of the fact that Hogwarts was where he was meant to be and how much he had prepared. When his books had been used, and the Standard Book of Spells, grade 1 had a circle the size of an ink well burned through five pages, Severus had taken comfort in the fact he already knew the spells on those pages.

Whatever his family’s limitations, Severus was ready to take on Hogwarts. He’d been a bit nervous, but he’d pretended to be completely confident for Lily’s sake. She’d been so upset about the arguments with her sister. He’d imagined their arrival at Hogwarts a thousand times. This was where he was going to learn to be a powerful wizard. More importantly, he and Lily would be doing things together and he’d get to show her all these things that she could do too. He’d been imagining these scenarios more than a thousand times: ever since he’d realized Lily could do magic too. They had ranged from the ridiculous – where he performed NEWT level charms on the train – to the realistic – study nights with Lily in front of the fires in the common rooms.

Severus swallowed and pulled the blanket up over his nose. The first year Slythern dormitories were frigid. As he stared into the black space where curtains were drawn about his bed listening to the muffled snoring of the boy called Mulciber, Severus felt ridiculous for the first time since he’d gotten his Hogwarts letter.

Silly him, he’d never contemplated the idea that he and Lily wouldn’t be in the same house.

In the darkness, the past few months – years really – of dreaming seemed ridiculous and naïve, and for the first time since he’d boarded the train, Severus felt truly overwhelmed. Somewhere in the castle Lily was sleeping in the Gryffindor dormitory. They wouldn’t be able to see each other in the common room – Severus didn’t even know where the Gryffindor common room was. And although Slytherin had some classes with Gryffindor – he’d already examined his schedule several times and found this to be true – it wasn’t going to be true for all of their classes.

Why did events never quite turn out like he imagined they would? He’d picture a scenario in his head, but then the reality would be so different. The Sorting Hat had been a perfect example of this. For a brief moment, he had almost wanted to be in Gryffindor so that he and Lily would stay together, but the Sorting Hat hadn’t even offered that option. Ravenclaw or Slytherin, and if given the choice… Well, his Mum had been a Slytherin.

His stomach felt tied in knots, and he wished he had just a tablespoon of his Mum’s dreamless sleep potion. Tomorrow will be different, he told himself. Tomorrow isn’t about who you are, or what house you’re in, it’s about starting lessons: What you know and what you can learn, and I can learn anything. I can be anyone. And I’m going to be a great wizard someday. That starts tomorrow.

He took a deep breath and tried to push away the insecurity, the doubt, and the sense that what he dreamed about and what he had were as far apart as he and Lily were tonight.