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for some reason, it had happened and jeongin was sure as hell passive about the situation.
being roommates with han jisung sure had its perks, the boy treated him like his younger brother (although of course jeongin prefers not to be bothered when he's doing his readings which is almost 24/7, god the things he does for the things he loves, then maybe jisung would not walk out of the apartment with a disgusting black eye but of course the older could not be mad at him even if he wanted to) jisung also just knows what jeongin wants, for example his cravings when he's working his ass out during two-thirty in the morning, and definitely the fact that han jisung is the bestest friend of hwang hyunjin. hwang hyunjin, the stupid pretty boy he has a stupid crush on.
so when he found out that hwang hyunjin WAS pining over his frequent partner during chemistry (ironic) who is byeon eun seo, jeongin wanted to crawl up into a hole, burst into flames and die. luckily for him han jisung was his not really blood related crackhead of a brother who had a fairly awesome social life.
[september 15, 2019 : a saturday, yang jeongin and han jisung's shared apartment]
"you are not dragging me to this party and expect me to NOT read this book," jeongin pointed at his newly bought neil gaiman book sitting prettily at his bedside table.
"innie, come on! oh for the love of god, i am not letting you be a loser for the rest of our lives till graduation!"
usually he would've taken offense to that. a loser? that certainly won't be the name jisung would call him a few years later once he gets his degree...well if he does manage to put his emotions aside and actually face reality .
yang jeongin, the pre-law student who was hopelessly pining over major art student hwang hyunjin, who has a doting best friend who studies med that goes by the name han jisung.
eun seo was hyunjin's muse, quite literally. he used to visit hyunjin and his cozy little café with his paintings hung on the walls, well technically the cafe was ran by hyunjin's mother but the boy worked there occasionally so.
"this is lame, i'm heartbroken and you think that i need a social event filled with drunk and horny teenagers to relieve my problem."
"uhh?? those are things that happen during high-school hello? get wasted, get laid, do whatever you want, really. you can pretend to have fun and then you just...i don't know, forget why you were ever sad in the first place?" jisung sheepishly offered as he made vague hand gestures, jeongin was not having it.
"i plan on reading this book till i fall asleep out of misery."
"jesus fu—"
"to whom do i owe the pleasure of deciding to ghost on me the last minute?" great, just great. jeongin squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that his friend would just leave him alone (well jisung couldn't really leave the apartment till 6pm but hey) the great seo changbin just bombarded their post-argument thingy and didn't even look bothered.
"so what am i hearing that my little innie got his hopes crushed by a pretty flower boy?" changbin taunted as he messed jeongin's hair up, seemingly amused by the younger boy's state. jeongin could only glare at his cousin and pushed him away from him. "not cool, bin."
"anyways i'm here to help burn the 14 letter page love letter you were supposed to give him on his birthday which i think is too fucking long. you should've gave it to him, shoot your shot ya know?"
he rolled his eyes at that. pathetic, he thinks. "oh yes and expect that he'll take it lightly and talk to me ever again like my heavy heartfelt confession was nothing." jeongin claimed as he huffed,
"jeez, didn't mean it like that." changbin raised both of his hands in a placating manner, side eyeing jisung while doing so, the audacity, when he was just reminded how foolish he was.
"hey, hey!! enough of this okay? let's get innie dressed up!!" jisung tried to lighten up the mood, glancing at jeongin whose eyes were glassy and tears threatened to fall down, changbin scratched the back of his neck in shame and glanced around the room, trying to find an object that would disrupt the tense silence that they could cut a knife with.
"what? what's wrong with my wardrobe? i think it's fine." jeongin swallowed the lump in his throat, as he pouted and examined his outfit. a white long sleeve dress shirt , with a creamed color knitted vest tucked in a green plaid patterned pants and white tennis shoes.
"yeah if we're going to the library, but we're going to a party thrown by jung jaehyun AND zhong chenle, the richest boys back in high school!! and man, chenle is my best bud too you've met him and you know how flashy his brand is."
jeongin bit his lip in hesitation and fiddled with his fingers, shyly asking jisung, " so what do you suggest i wear?"
"something that screams changbin vibes! i think i have a lil something, not too edgy or grungy tho. just something mild!"
changbin looked somewhat offended from jisung's words and raised a brow because of this and watched the overly excited boy as he rummaged through his closet. changbin cleared his throat to alert jeongin that he was still around, "hey uh okay, i'm sorry for being an insensitive prick. i know it wasn't easy for you. just cause i didn't go through it…doesn't mean i could prance around and tell you shit that isn't ideal. rejection hurts for sure, but what would kill you most is to be lead by mixed signals and not know what they truly meant as you silently hope that there's...something."
jeongin was speechless for a moment, and he couldn't find the right words to respond, so he didn't.
[september 15, 2019 : 6:30 pm, at the zhong's residence]
"we are FASHIONABLY late!" jisung exclaimed as he stepped out of changbin's truck, with his arms out wide, and stupid shiny glasses hanging on the bridge of his nose. jeongin already felt out of place goddammit. this was not his thing, he couldn't blame the way his friend and cousin show their concern over him but he just really didn't feel like seeing everyone again during their high-school days. it reminds him of the people and the way he was so not subtle as he expressed his love for hyunjin, ah fuck it.
conan gray would be so ashamed of him right now, god, it was crush culture all over again. he felt the nauseous urge to throw up when he saw high-school sweethearts by the foyer, congratufuckinglations yang jeongin for playing the sick manipulated game of puppy love.
he wanted to spill his guts out when he had almost immediately caught a glimpse of eun seo, she seemed even prettier, her hair up in a bun and artsy clothes that he knows hyunjin is head over heels for, ugh disgusting. jeongin looked emotionally constipated and they were barely 5 minutes inside the lavish mansion.
"oh well what do we have here?" jeongin almost rolled his eyes at jisung's dramatic pause, "the object of jeongin's hatred and insecurity at 2 o'clock, do not and avoid conversation with those hets." changbin stifled out a laugh and nudged jisung by the elbow for his ridiculous commentary, jeongin visibly deflated as he saw the cause of his misery. they walked over to where chenle and his dnyl club boys where (which were currently vibing to the weeknd in the pool area) jisung beamed and waved wildly at his best bud, zhong chenle although his boyfriend, lee jeno did not seem too fond of their skinship. jeongin feared that one day jeno would bite jisung's head off because the over friendly boy could not really grasp the meaning of personal space, yang jeongin a very tired boy who experiences this.
"penny for your thoughts?" jeongin heard a soft voice and as he looked up he saw huang renjun, offering a drink. "umm thanks, jun." he timidly replied as he sipped on the cherry cola and swayed his feet in the water, he really did not know what to feel around huang renjun. he was like an enigma of some sort, wearing a smile that said 'i could burn this place down if i wanted to' more often than not. but the boy thankfully had a calming presence he didn't mind basking in, renjun was like burnt umber, rain and vintage books. "so, it must suck huh?" oh for the love of— was everyone aware that he was fucking in love with his best friend? jeongin felt his eye twitch at the mellow question.
renjun chuckled lowly and patted him at the back, "relax, jeong. you'll get over it i know you will, i'm not saying it won't hurt. it hurts like a bitch, doesn't it? but someday you'll wake up and viola! you no longer feel the need to kiss those pretty plump lips or hug him when our art critics are too harsh," damn it renjun that actually just makes it hurt even more. jeongin bitterly let out a laugh as realization sank in his head, once he confesses and removes hwang hyunjin from his life, he will no longer feel the warmth in his hugs, no longer get surprised when the older boy brings some food for the two of them in jeongin and jisung's apartment, no longer relish in the soft and hushed praises in his ears when he breaks down, and he will no longer be able to pick up the broken pieces of his best friend, because he too will be shattered.
"tell me, would it be worth it if i…i," jeongin paused as he stared at renjun who was urging him to go on. "if i gathered up the courage to…tell him how i feel…tonight?" renjun had an unreadable expression and he seemed to ponder on that thought for quite a while before responding, "there's nothing than getting your heart broken on a nice party like this. there are just things we can't control, jeongin. and i, well honestly think it's better for the two of you to clear this out, not that i am being negative nancy here because we all know how low your chance is with him, but hey life still carries on, you'll be alright, okay?" renjun was now rubbing soothing circles on his knuckles with his thumb. no that was definitely not okay, man imagine being selfish and wanting someone who probably forgot about you.
"i guess i will…thanks jun." he weakly said as he placed his unfinished drink down and stood up from the pool. "thank god your uni is an hour and a half away from my campus," jeongin let out a humourless laugh as he fixed his clothes. oh now he felt stupid. he wore jisung's black and white striped long sleeve shirt and some band shirt he's never listened to over it, tucked in black jeans with a thick belt with spikes and chains. he mindlessly kicked the tiles with his leather boots, and he didn't know if he was tripping but as he walked back into the foyer, ghost of you had just finished playing in the background. and he vividly remembers the winter's ball back in high school, hyunjin decided to temporarily leave eun seo alone when she was asked by minho, jeongin got into a heated argument with seungmin and lashed out on him and the two met up at their favourite diner and eventually hyunjin asked jeongin to the party.
yang jeongin the wallflower whose go-to place was the library then the café, the boy who preferred to listen and read, the boy who was not a very good dancer and preferred to play the piano, hwang hyunjin the school's golden boy, the boy who could knock out the breath jeongin takes each second without doing any grand, the boy who was good at everything (except cooking, god forbid him from touching anything in the kitchen, especially the stove.) the boy whose laugh sounds like an angel's choir, the boy who was going to break yang jeongin into pieces tonight.
it was decided . jeongin was gonna man up tonight and give him all his love and walk away with a broken heart.
innie my bb <4 :
hi, it's me jeongin.
i wanted to tty at the roof deck, chenle's roof deck to
be specific
if you're not busy??
jeongin knew hyunjin was just around the zhong's residence, he had already viewed his ig story, a video of daehwi chugging down some…well jeongin does not know what the heck he was nursing, he's never got drunk in the first place. but whatever it was, jeongin knew daehwi was probably gonna wake up with a shitty headache and being ten times whinier, being hwang hyunjin's best friend gave him enough experience about that.
jinnie, the residential qt :
yea sure
be there in a few mins??
jeongin got lost in his thoughts as he made his way upstairs, should he text renjun to tell chenle that the roof deck is unavailable for making out purposes at the next few minutes? to just…alarm the party guests that an angsty teenager was about to ruin his friendship with God's favourite boy.
hello? u there? haha
im omw.
he has gotten so cold and distant after eun seo and minho had officially announced that their monthsary was during the 4th of every month, and jeongin was suddenly just someone hyunjin called when he ran out of options, it was a miracle that the older boy hadn't beat him to blocking him out of his life, god he felt a dam bursting any moment and hyunjin wasn't even here, yet.
a wave of memories surged his mind and he remembered how well his feet danced with hyunjin that night, how he got so upset when someone else plagiarised his essay and they got the credits for it and hyunjin called his mom to teach him how to bake jeongin's favourite oatmeal peanut butter cookies, how hyunjin always chose him no matter the situation : jeongin and a date at the mall or a trip out of the city with his soccer teammates, jeongin and a netflix marathon or a party at the frat boy's place, jeongin and a cute visit to random thrift shops or ghost hunting with his seniors, jeongin angrily wiped the tears off of his face, well stupid him i guess. every good thing comes to an end after all and he was fucking childish to think that he and hyunjin were forever.
"hey, oh shit — are you…are you okay?"
excellent. amazing. fucking great.
hyunjin just had to see him crying like a fucking baby while looking like a splotched rat. "uh yeah, yeah haha." he laughed dryly and wiped the liquid on his jeans, the anxiety and fear of the future resurfacing in his chest, it was fucking ugly.
"you…you look really pretty."
ah, there you go. stupid mouth, what a stupid mouth that hwang hyunjin guy has. what a dense boy!
jeongin was busy making sure that his vision was clear, but he was so tired, his emotions were all over the place and hyunjin confusingly stared at the boy who was hiccuping as he aggressively rubbed his fists in his eyes.
"i have been pretty absent from your college life huh? when i swore that i would try to ease the pain away—"
"hyunjin, i am not your damn responsibility. i should not be your priority, we have already talked about this. i'm in my second year of college and you're in your third, you should be focusing more on—"
"oh yeah yeah sure," fuck, this sounds like the hwang hyunjin that was about to deck someone when they decided to pick on jeongin, except he was the one in their place and jeongin was going to experience the wrath of hyunjin.
"i could fucking pretend that you don't exist right? like that's fucking easier said than done, jeongin! you are my pillar of strength and weakness, i know you know that!! god you're so stupid sometimes that i wanna fucking punch and beat some sense into you!!" hyunjin angrily exclaimed as balled his fists and clenched his jaw. he wasn't even finished yet but jeongin had felt a pang in his chest, hyunjin never yelled at him, let alone raise his voice.
"you think you're always fucking right, ignoring me thinking that that's the right thing to do, when its fucking not at all you coward. you think that you're so great, well here's the thing, you aren't. you've been so fucking antsy, secretive around me back when we were on the precipice of shutting each other out because of our shitty lives! and i'd really like an explanation why i have been ghosted before my heart got crushed by the woman i love—"
jeongin couldn't take it anymore.
"because i'm fucking in love with you, i want to spend the rest of my life with you! no matter how fucking shitty it is, i don't care because you're there, because you always chose me even if i was the goddamned loser!! because you just…made me feel validated and enough," jeongin sniffled as he too curled his fists in a ball out of anger and looked at hyunjin straight in the eye.
"i—"
"i know i don't stand a chance, hyung. i know you won't ever return these shitty feelings and that —"
"it hurts, i hurt not in a metaphorical sense or in some poetic, beautiful way there is nothing poetic or beautiful about this kind of pain it's as literal as a broken leg the only difference is you can't see it i'm bleeding but it's hidden i'm bruised, but it's covered i'm hurting everyday, every minute of every hour the pain is so agonizing so unbearable sometimes it hurts so bad that i've become numb to it sometimes it hurts so bad that i don't even feel it and no one cares no one fucking cares because they can't see it because i can smile through the pain because i can lie and say i'm fine because no one can see how just how badly it hurts. "
jeongin felt like he just got sucker punched in the face, the anger and regret in his face dissipated and all he felt was…emptiness. he quoted that from somewhere because he felt the damn same and it was his love life in a nutshell, it was in the fucking love letter that he planned to give hyunjin during his birthday.
"justified, times new roman, size 12, page 9. i'm not an idiot jeongin, i knew about…you liking me, but i only caught up with the rest of our friends who figured during our sophomore year, i only knew during senior year." hyunjin softly said as he sat down on the swing, jeongin felt his lips wobble in sadness and he knew he was gonna say something he was going to regret later on so he refrained from opening his mouth.
"i'm sorry, i thought that…that your feelings would soon fade. that maybe it was just a phase you'd quickly get over, well clearly you didn't…and you couldn't. your love letters with 14 pages explained everything. you...it..i didn't mean to—"
veins pulsed in jeongin's neck, the boy snarled at hyunjin who was caught off guard and was suddenly being grabbed by the collar.
"you knew, you fucking knew but you made it so hard for me!! i had to fucking pretend that i was okay with you desperately reaching out for eun seo. you are a fucking asshole, hwang! how the fuck could you do that to me?"
"yeah okay, i knew for the past 8 months that you fucking love me, yeah i knew. but i was selfish, jeongin. i clearly wasn't thinking!"
jeongin scoffed at him and rolled his eyes, "oh and you are now?"
"the thing is…i couldn't afford to lose you. i already lost eun seo to minho, i couldn't lose my best friend."
"your best friend who's stupidly and hopelessly in love with you."
"yeah,i—we both know what i am about to say, right?"
jeongin was staring at his leather boots as if it were the most fascinating object right now, god he was going to have to explain his runny rose and puffy red eyes to his mother later when she calls.
"don't…do anything stupid anymore, will you?—"
"you deserve to know why i couldn't…reject you right then when i found the neatly kept folder you left in my house, i was so happy with you and i wanted to keep that happiness for as long as i could. i suppose i held on too tight and that was why everything shattered in the palm of my hand."
the drawn-down corners of jeongin's mouth were enough to speak for his situation, hyunjin let out an exasperated sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes…it's okay hyunjin. i have always known what your response will be. i lost, it's fine. i'll be fine. some mistakes get made but that's alright, it's okay. i'll get over you, please don't feel guilty about the whole situation—"
"how can i?!" hyunjin trailed off as he looked at jeongin with moist eyes, "when you sound like you're saying goodbye?" he asked with the most painfully soft voice that made jeongin crumble.
"would it be selfish of me to want to get away from you, forever?"
"i—" hyunjin winced at jeongin's words as he covered his face with his hands, visibly frustrated as he paced around. "i honestly don't know but….fuck!" jeongin flinched when hyunjin raised his voice again, this time it cracked as he swore.
"you know i'll be supportive of whatever makes you happy, innie."
jeongin's face turned sour at the mention of his nickname that he now loathes. "please don't call me that," he weakly said as his eyes silently pleaded for hyunjin to end his misery, whilst hyunjin was tired as he is, if not more. he heard hyunjin chuckle humourlessly and mutter, "it's my last time to call you that, would you really deny me to call you the nickname i have grown to love so much?"
"take care, hyunjin."
and those were the last words that jeongin said to his now former best friend, as he walked past the taller boy who busied himself with staring at the spot where jeongin previously stood at.
it took 2 years for jeongin to fully get over hwang hyunjin, and a year to find a new love interest, that angel being named lee felix. as he was cooping up in new apartment ( he moved out after he finished his third year of college) he heard a knock on his door but he ignored it because he was engrossed in the pile of assignments and readings, he highlighted the keywords and important details of the context, he was snapped out of his serious academic trance as felix would like to call it when he smelled the scent of pepper lingering in the air.
"i bought ramen, and the chocolate truffle cookies should be ready now, " felix said as he gently placed the freshly cooked food on the carpet, arranging the foldable table already while offering his boyfriend a smile.
"you're a life saver, you weeb."
"damn okay, i'm just being the best boyfriend here and you insult me."
"you aren't denying anything!!" jeongin scrunched his face and stuck his tongue out, felix grinned at him and grabbed the younger boy by the wrist and planted kisses all over his face except his lips.
"maybe," felix licked his lips as he laughed out loudly when jeongin pouted at him. "let's eat now, okay? you haven't eaten anything yet, that i am sure of and there's no way i'm letting that happen."
and in yang jeongin's messy life, lee felix was the one who fearlessly helped him iron out every messy detail, lee felix stayed by his side and was determined to have him live happily, with him of course. jeongin has heard that hyunjin was working in paris now, the older boy was content with his life, partying, living in his dream city, he was at peace by himself and there were the thinly veiled promises that no longer held meaning when they were made years ago.