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“I’m sorry.”
Those were the two words that haunted Seungkwan. He’s heard them many times from Vernon, but never under this context. Not when there’s tears streaming down his face and his heart is numb. All the way to his fingertips feels numb. The way he can’t even catch his breath and the way his lungs should ache after this long— that much should bother him. But no, he is just numb to every sensation that reminds him of the reality in front of him.
“But why? After all of this time…” he manages to say. Looking up and blinking the tears away was a mistake. Vernon looked pitiful as he watched Seungkwan break down. But he knew reaching out and consoling the boy in front of him would just cause confusions. As of two seconds ago, they are now in a position where they aren’t close. Not holding hands. Not hugs or kisses or cuddles. None of that now.
“Time is the only thing keeping us together.”
And those words hurt. Tearing through Seungkwan, he realizes how he should’ve seen this coming. Vernon didn’t behave like he was his . Not since they were first together and still had that sparkle of infatuation in their eyes. The current times are incomparable to years ago. Where they met every other day. When they were glued together and acted like they could not thrive unless they were attached in some way. When there were so many suspicious glances and lingering touches.
Seungkwan values those memories. The ones where they sat in the practice room as trainees. The ones where they shared a room and a bed because Seungkwan made shy Vernon feel that comfortable. The ones where their eyes somehow found their way to each other no matter the place. A camera could be rolling and they would have to fake interest for whatever interview they were scheduled for. All while doing so, Vernon’s eyes pierced through his entire being. Every moment he moved or spoke up, he could feel the stare from across the room. He watched and listened and cared. It was like reassurance or a promise for longevity. Seungkwan just knew by a single look.
But that was years ago.
“I thought what kept us together was our feelings.” Seungkwan felt blindsided. Even though he has watched Vernon grow away from him. Even if they bicker and argue enough for their members to intervene and break them apart. Even if every universal signal is telling them that they shouldn’t be together anymore, Seungkwan never thought they would break up. He’s spent almost ten years getting to know Vernon, learning something new everyday with his ever-changing personality and keeping up with his interests, but he guesses it wasn’t good enough.
It wasn’t enough to keep him by his side.
It doesn’t matter how much he cares, if Vernon doesn’t then…they were nothing. Just two people trying to maintain a dying relationship.
“I will always love you—“ Vernon shakily starts. Seungkwan doesn’t realize this is probably hard for him too. He’s probably been holding onto these words for weeks or months, but he’s been too timid to say anything. He’s had Seungkwan in his heart for a long time and it also hurt him to watch himself fall out of love. To keep pretending that everything was fine. To fake being in love for so long. To understand that he didn't feel the same excitement as he remembers from years ago. He even considered their growing up was the worst thing to happen to him. He wanted to maintain what they had. He wanted his best friend back. He wanted to be by Seungkwan’s side, but he felt like something wasn’t right. Like the entire relationship had turned selfish and it was only a matter of time before they were finished.
Like Vernon was just waiting for the end. And Seungkwan had no idea it’d come so fast.
“But you’re leaving me. You don’t love me. You can’t love me…not when you're breaking up with me.” Seungkwan tried his best to justify. At the sight of his tears, Vernon quickly consoles. He’s usually lost on what to do, but knows that he makes everything better by staying right beside the boy he loved. Tonight, there was none of that. No special treatment or comforting rubs to his back. He just stared as Seungkwan felt closer and closer to completely falling apart.
“You will forever be special to me and I will care about you—“
“But do you? Do you even realize how much this hurts?” Seungkwan’s emotions build up and he’s near explosion. He feels so far from Vernon even though he’s just a few feet away. Their hearts are off sync. They are on different pages in life. Their beings no longer carried the connection that Seungkwan thought was forever. Permanent. Unwavering.
“Do you know how hard it was to make this decision? To even face you and say this?” The fact that Seungkwan could literally pour his heart out and Vernon will still choose to walk away is what eats at him. It’s like the near decade they went through means nothing. It’s as if Seungkwan’s feelings are something trivial and can be brushed away without second thought. It’s like he really stopped caring. It’s not on the same caliber as Seungkwan is used to. He isn’t used to being treated like a stranger or that his touch burns Vernon’s skin. Like his mere presence annoys Vernon.
“We are not perfect. Unlike how everyone thinks, we have our problems. Fuck, we’ve had our problems for a long time now.” Vernon feels frustrated. Seungkwan barely hears him out and has tunnel vision focused on his anger. “Not everything is about you.” Vernon confesses. Seungkwan is taken aback and wants to retaliate, but Vernon doesn’t let him. Not when he’s balancing on unsureness and Seungkwan can tip the scales in his favor with just a couple of words.
It’s always been like this. Seungkwan always gets his way. Vernon has let him since they met.
“It’s not supposed to be! It’s about what we have. Here I thought you cared about me.” He was scoffing now. The sadness feels as if it’s going to boil over and ruin everything. Hot headed anger clouds his mind as he thinks of hurtful things to say to break Vernon down. Even if it’s for a minute, he wants to reflect the pain back onto the one causing it. To make him feel what he feels.
“I do care. That’s why I want to leave.” Vernon replied, “it’s not fair to fool you any longer.”
“I’m sorry. I just don’t love you anymore. ”
It makes him feel like their entire relationship was a delusion. All of the personal words and personal memories made were something a part of a fairy tale. Even when Hansol walks away, returning the key to the apartment they shared, the pain still brews.
Even when weeks pass and Seungkwan suddenly feels happy, he’s reminded of Vernon through every detail of the day. The music playing on the radio. The ugly laughs people tend to let out when they’re with someone comfortable. Avoiding him at practice and comeback stages and award shows and around their dorm was not enough. He couldn’t even sleep without being wide awake at night due to overthinking. Asking himself what went wrong. Asking why can’t he have a future of forever happiness with Vernon in it. It felt unfair to have his dreams crushed so easily.
He realizes feelings fluctuate constantly. Even if he was happy, he should have paid more attention to Vernon. Even if he was satisfied in getting his way, he should’ve realized compromising was a better option. He loves him. A year could pass and he would still love him. He was his first love.
Even if Vernon apologized, nothing could be forgiven with the amount of hurt in his chest. Crying wasn't enough. No matter how hard he cried, it would not change how he feels. It was hard to realize he would not get him back. He has to pretend to be happy with his members even though he feels like hell on the inside. Memories plague him like it’s mockery. They want him to relive every moment where he felt like he was on cloud nine. Every moment that he stood beside Vernon. Every time he called out to him and held his hand when no one was watching. Every time he blushed at his sweet words. All of the times he could’ve made it better, but didn’t.
He took Vernon for granted.
He was wondering when he would start to feel better. When he will get his old mentality back and not be haunted by every fragment of life that reminds him of how bad he screwed up. How he will never get that bond back— his person back— but he was still expected to live as if nothing happened.
Even if he hopes, it’s fruitless. He can’t make someone love him. And by God, Vernon probably tried. He did everything he could until it exhausted him. He didn’t even want to walk away from everything they built in the last couple of years.
And yet he did. Seungkwan feels as if he pushed him to that point.
They just weren’t meant to be together. Even if Seungkwan poured his heart and soul out, he could not change what was determined. He could not change that Vernon seems happier as if a weight had lifted off his shoulders. He could not change anything even if it meant making him feel better.
Powerless, he accepted what was handed to him. Time meant nothing. It wasn’t an indicator for how long they’d be together, but more like an expiration date. It just represented how long they suppressed their true emotions. How long they’ve been skirting around the truth.
Seungkwan fell deeper in love while Vernon began to feel nothing at all. That was his reality that kept him from sleeping. That deterred his eating. That made him feel useless and lonely.
He doesn’t know how he’ll move forward without him.
But if Vernon’s happy, then he starts to feel better. Seungkwan just wants him to be happy.