Work Text:
Sou didn’t question the knocking on his door in the middle of the night. He made sure to press a hand to his mouth to quietly muffle his groans and carefully slid out of bed. He didn’t want to wake up Kanna, who had asked to sleep beside him because of her nightmares. He couldn’t have said no to that even if he had wanted to, they all had nightmares in this place. Besides, it helped him too, in a way.
Wrapping his scarf around his neck, he elected to leave his beanie behind before answering the door.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
Sou sighed and ran a hand over his face. Looking back at Kanna, he saw her sleeping soundly, and finally, a small smile graced his lips.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened, and it wouldn’t be the last. At some point, through night terrors and hallucinations, nighttime had become their safezone. Where the tense atmosphere and the actions of the morning were ignored, and they allowed themselves to come to each other for comfort.
It was all about survival, and they needed this to survive.
It was his space, afterall, and right now, during their peace, he’d rather be let in. It was strangely gratifying to see, and Sou’s tired frown quirked upwards at the side.
He felt the larger man wrap his arms around him and rock back and forth, a deeply vulnerable action that neither of them commented on.
“What was the dream?” He knew it was nightmares. It’s always nightmares.
“Mmm…”
That was okay. Sou wouldn’t be able to bring himself to answer either. Even though they’ve decided to be more physical for comfort, opening up is still another thing. Sou thought about percentages and fear of death around every corner and had to take in a shuddering breath to calm himself.
He took in the other man’s jawline and imagined tracing it with his thumbs. His attention wandered to the other’s lips, and something broken and painfully touch starved in his chest ached despite the physical proximity.
He was too tired to filter himself and regretted it immediately when he asked. “Can I kiss you?”
He tensed up, like a coiled spring and an animal ready to flee. That was too much, too open.
“Please.”
It took him a few seconds to recover.
Their lips connected and the kiss wasn’t anything amazing. Both their lips were dry and they were both still too wary to make it anything more passionate.
When they pulled back, Sou realized he was still shaking. Instead of releasing the ache in his chest, it had been warped into a tightness in his throat and a heat behind his eyes. Sou tried blinking rapidly to fight it back, but it was no use. Tears streaked down his face and he could only just bring up his hands to his mouth to muffle his sobs.
He had been holding everything back for so long, that the first time that he had felt loved, it all came pouring out.
Sou bit his tongue until he tasted blood, and felt an undying hatred for himself. Another sob wracked through his body, and he curled his hands into fists so that the nails were digging painfully into his skin.
They fell asleep like that, curled around each other and safe, despite their circumstances.
When Sou woke up that morning, the spot beside him was cold and empty. Blinking in momentary confusion, he had to grip the scarf still around his neck to try and hold back his disappointment. Right, it was morning.
It was better like this.
He didn’t even turn to look at Sou, and Sou quickly looked away.
It was better like this.
“Sou!” Called a familiar voice, and Sou turned around to find Kanna running to his side. “Where did you go? Kanna was worried about you!”
When she reached his side, she put her hands on her knees and panted. Sou felt a small, genuine smile light up his face for a second. He made sure to stretch it out into something fake after that, putting his persona back up.
“You were taking too long to wake up.” Sou said, gripping his scarf and grinning. “I couldn’t wait forever for a sleepy head like you, Kanna.”
Kanna huffed a little in response to that and Sou laughed. He dug his fingers into his scarf deeper and tried to forget the warmth of the body beside him.
“Come on, I forgot my beanie in the room, let’s go get it.” Sou said to Kanna, already walking in that direction.
It didn’t matter. It was better like this.
It was better like this.
It was better like this.
So why did he feel like crying again?