Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It didn’t really surprise you when you found Alucard asleep on the couch, he did that often. When you’d asked, he had simply said ‘I don’t sleep well in my room’, and there had been such distress in his eyes that you hadn’t dared to ask for more informations. When you walked into the room, his head was laying against on the arm-rest, and his long legs were stretched on almost the entirety of the sofa. There was a book open on his chest, and you took it with a sigh, putting it on the side.

You took a moment to study him. He looked so peaceful when he slept, his face just like an angel with the golden locks surrounding it, lips slightly parted, breathing even. You didn’t know what had happened exactly to make him avoid his room like that. You knew that when he did sleep in it, he had nightmares. You had pieced some things together, but you didn’t think you would get the full story without asking, and you weren’t sure how to approach the subject.

After a couple of minutes, you got up to grab a blanket. His body temperature was weird, what with him being a half-vampire, but you didn’t want to risk him getting cold.

You were in the process of covering him with it when his eyes snapped open. Before you understood what was happening, you were under him and his hand was above you, claws out, ready to strike. Then, just as quickly as it had happened, it fell back to the side as he realized it was you.

“I… apologize,” he said slowly, and you knew he was probably ashamed of his outburst.

“It’s fine,” you said, and he sighed. His fingers found your pulse, which was racing, and you did your best not to shiver as he stroke your neck over it.

“I scared you.”

You smiled at that.

“Only for a moment. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”

As it happened sometimes, his expression softened, and intense pain flashed in his eyes. He let himself fall next to you, between the back of the couch and your body. In order not to fall, you had to press yourself against him and you bit your lip, blushing brightly as you tried to find a comfortable situation. Your knees were touching, your hands were against his chest, and God, your heart was probably beating a lot faster now than it did when he had been ready to attack you.

“You’re right,” he whispered, so low you almost missed it, even with how close you two were. “I wouldn’t.”

His feelings on the matter were more complicated than that, to be honest. He had found himself in a situation where he had had to hurt people. People he… cared for. The guilt had eaten him up for a long time. Still did, sometimes, when he thought of how he could have, should have handled it differently, how he didn’t have to kill them, how if only he’d thought just a little longer—

“Adrian?”

He blinked the thoughts away to focus back on you. You were watching him with concern. Sometimes, you knew he drifted away in his memories where you couldn’t follow him, and you didn’t want to let him lose himself in it, not when he looked so sad when he did.

It was probably selfish of him, but he liked that. He liked that you worried, he liked that you cared. He didn’t want to cause you pain in any way, and yet the fact that you felt that way about him… It affected him more than he could say.

He lifted his hand to touch your cheek, gently, following your jaw, then tracing the shape of your lips. He watched as your breath caught in your throat and as you froze, remaining so completely still under his ministrations. You… were beautiful. Stunning. He couldn’t believe he had someone like you in his life, didn’t know what he’d done to deserve you.

You were right, he wouldn’t hurt you. If you wanted to kill him, he’d probably offer his heart to you on a silver platter. He doubted you’d want it, of course. In fact, you would no doubt be horrified at that thought, and even more at the thought that he would do it willingly. He hadn’t meant to find himself in that situation. To fall in love with you, slowly but surely.

He looked at your lips, deep in thought. They were tempting, like your neck, like the blood pulsing under your skin. It would be so easy to simply lean in to kiss you, and it felt like his entire body was burning with that desire. He wanted to devour you.

He didn’t know what hold him back. Fear of a kind, perhaps. Fear that you would ask for his heart on a silver platter. Fear of the moment after. Fear of what came after the bliss, after the pleasure, after he got what he longed for. He’d thought of kissing you many times before, and he could never get himself to take the final step.

Some day. Perhaps. Hopefully.

But not today.

He let his head fall so it was resting in the crook of your neck, nuzzling your skin, and he smiled when he heard you gasp, seemingly remembering how to breathe right then.

“Do you mind if I sleep?” he asked.

“N-not at all,” you stuttered, voice squeakier than you’d intended.

His hand trailed down your arm to settle at your waist, holding you against him. You moved your arm around him as well, gently rubbing his back and running your fingers through his hair, and he let out a contented sigh as he drifted into sleep, knowing he’d be fine, because you were watching over him. It didn’t matter that he was by far the strongest one out of the two of you.

You pressed a gentle kiss against the top of his head, and closed your eyes. This wasn’t exactly comfortable, but you could take it. To be with him, to ease his pain, if just a little… You would take anything.

There was a smile on both of your faces as you fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Chapter Text

When you saw the door move, your first thought was that it was a draft. You were already moving to close it when you saw Alucard standing in the doorframe. He seemed hesitant, and he stood there for a while, his hand lingering on the wood as he looked at you.

“Is there something wrong?” you asked, and you thought you saw him flinch, but those words seemed to push him to move.

He walked towards you and sat on your bed. You watched him, studying his expression. You couldn’t tell what was going on in his mind. It wasn’t the first time he had come into your room at night. He’d done it once before when you’d had a nightmare, and once because he had baked a cake and wanted to share it with you, but it clearly wasn’t what motivated him now.

“Ad—”

He kissed you without a warning.

It took you a moment to even understand what was happening. His lips were featherlight against yours at first, and you didn’t hesitate before pressing yourself against him more. He let out a satisfied, somewhat relieved sigh as his arms moved around you. Everything about it was soft, gentle, careful. Almost fearful.

He felt himself melting into you completely. You were pressing warm kisses against his mouth, pulling his lower lip between your teeth playfully, and your hands were running over his shoulders, setting his body aflame. He could have simply lost himself in you, and he did want to, but he’d— done that before. And it hadn’t exactly ended well for him.

He knelt on your bed, using his height to tower over you, still kissing you, and you let him push you onto your back. He took a second to look at you, to admire you. God, he loved the way you looked, loved the blush on your cheeks, loved the desire in your eyes.

But also, you looked like he probably did, that one night.

He kissed you, desperately trying to push the thoughts away. Some other time, you might have picked up on his reactions, understood something was wrong, but you were too focused on the sensations he was giving you to notice. He was kissing your neck, his fangs grazing against your skin deliciously, and his hands were moving up and down your body, over your chest at first, then caressing the inside of your thighs as he parted them gently, slowly, making you arch into him, then tantalizingly moving up to—

Then suddenly, his contact disappeared, his weight above you was gone, and your eyes, which you had closed in pleasure, snapped open.

“I can’t do this.”

You didn’t think for a second when you pushed yourself up and wrapped your arms around him in a tight hug. He was shaking, and you tightened your embrace, doing your best to ground him into reality, into this moment.

“It’s okay,” you said gently, settling your chin on his shoulders. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Adrian, it’s okay.”

“You don’t understand,” he whispered, voice trembling. “I want this. I want you. I just— I just can’t—”

His voice broke, and it was like your heart had been shattered into a million pieces. You couldn’t stand the pain he was in. You ached for him, and when his soft sobs filled the room, your fingers dug into him a little. You were angry, you were in pain, you felt utterly powerless. You wanted to help, but you had no idea what to do.

It didn’t last long, and he soon calmed down. You knew he didn’t like expressing sadness around others, whether it was you or other friends of his, and you could guess he wouldn’t be happy about it. Normally, you wouldn’t have pushed it, but you feared that you wouldn’t be able to broach the subject if you let it go just now.

“Talk to me,” you said when he pulled away, placing your hand on his cheek so you could meet his eyes.

He winced, and avoided your gaze, but you didn’t let go. After a few moments, he lifted his hand to place it on yours.

“There were two— persons, before you came here.”

Your mind immediately went to the bodies outside of the castle, and your breath caught in your throat. Surely—

“That’s— probably what you’re thinking about,” he said sadly, like he’d been reading your mind, though you guessed it was probably written on your face. “Taka and Sumi. They— I thought they wanted to learn about vampires so they could fight them better. I started training them, but— I… was selfish. I didn’t want to be alone here and I— maybe I tried to keep them here longer than—”

“Adrian,” you interrupted him, watching with horror as he seemed to shrink, shying away from you as he rambled about his guilt. “I know you. I know who you are. I cannot believe you have any responsibility in whatever happened to you.”

His eyes softened, and the saddest smile you had ever seen curved his lips.

“Of course you’d think that.”

You hated that. You hated that he couldn’t see you through your eyes, couldn’t really know how wonderful you thought he was.

“What happened?”

You didn’t want to press him for informations; you would have much preferred if he had told you himself, but he seemed reluctant to do that, and you didn’t think you’d be able to help him if you didn’t know.

“They— came into my room. They made love to me.” Your throat tightened. You had expected to feel jealous, but you didn’t. You were just horrified at the thought of what was to come. “They used silver bracelets on me to keep me from moving.”

The scars, you understood suddenly. You had always assumed they were from the fight against Dracula.

“They said I was lying to them. That I would betray them.” He swallowed. “They were going to kill me. So I killed them instead.”

There was a heavy silence when he stopped speaking, and breaking it was almost painful.

“Your sword?”

He nodded.

“I took two lives to save my own.” Then he had a bitter chuckle. “I didn’t have to kill them. I could have just incapacitated them, but I didn’t— think about that until later. A better person would have—”

“No!” you protested, with more energy than you’d meant to. He looked at you in surprise, and it made you feel a little awkward, but you couldn’t let him say that, or even think that about himself. “No, no, no, Adrian, you can’t— say that.” You lifted your second hand to cradle his face. “You must have been terrified. I don’t know how you even thought about calling for your sword.”

He removed your hands from his face, but he kept them in his.

“I acted to preserve my life. First, I killed my father, and then I did what he did. I murdered humans.”

You wanted to tell him that you didn’t care, that all that mattered was that he was here and alive now, but you knew he wouldn’t be able to hear that.

“Their lives had been so horrible,” he whispered. “Used, abused, toyed with and lied to by vampires. I should have known— I should have thought—”

“You shouldn’t have anything,” you said, trying to muffle your anger. It killed you that he blamed himself like that. “You’re a victim here. They should not have done that to you. It was horrible, and wrong, and…”

“That doesn’t mean they deserved to die.”

“Well neither did you.” You brought your hands, which he still held, to your lips, and kissed his knuckles. He tensed, briefly — the hands of a killer — and then his shoulders relaxed. “I’m sorry, Adrian.”

“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to be with you for so long, and I just—”

“It’s okay. Really. I can— wait, if you want me to wait, and if you don’t want this, it’s fine too. I understand. I just want to help you.”

He sighed and pressed his forehead against yours.

“I don’t deserve you.”

You shook your head.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You’re probably the kindest— the best person I know.”

“Can I— stay here with you tonight? Even if we don’t—”

“Of course.”

There was another silence. Neither of you moved. Your arms were loosely wrapped around his shoulders, his hands were on your waist, and you didn’t want to move away, not just yet.

“Can I kiss you?”

His voice was barely more than a whisper, strangely strangled, and you were surprised to see he was blushing.

“You don’t even need to ask me for that,” you said with a genuine smile.

He leaned in and his lips brushed against yours. It wasn’t as feverish as before, but there was something very sensual about it, especially when his lips parted and his tongue slid in your mouth, exploring it with restraint. You resisted pulling him back for another kiss when he moved away from you. This was about him, and you would be doing it as his rhythm.

“Thank you,” he said.

You laid down, and he did the same next to you. This would take time. It wouldn’t heal miraculously, but you wanted to be there to help him, every step of the way. You moved to rest your head on his chest, and his arm very naturally wrapped around you. That brought a smile to his face. A small one, but a smile nonetheless.

Little by little, he believed he could fight his demons, with you by his side. Reconquer the space they had taken away from him. Until, finally, he would be able to hold you the way he wanted to, until guilt stopped eating him inside, until he could stand on his own without having to lean on you.

But for now, he simply wanted to enjoy the way you felt in his arms.

He closed his eyes.

He would get through this. Step by step. And he hoped he would be able to catch a glimpse of what he was like in your eyes.