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Ben sat in the darkroom his thoughts split between so many differing emotions. His grief at the death of his little brother. The heartache and shame he felt at Sharon's words. He would never be able to see Sharon and not see the broken grieving mother that confronted him at the wake. All that indignant hate and need for revenge for the hurt of his father pride. What a waste of spent emotions and waste of his little brother's precious future. All for what? Phil's ego.
Ben for the life he chose to live does not have many regrets. But this? His decision to end his life with Callum to take on his father's act of revenge. Well, that was his biggest regret, right after losing Paul. In the end, all his sacrifices were for nothing. Through his own actions, he is still going to lose Callum. Ben was a collector of lost loved ones, his first lover, then his little brother, a woman who had been more of a mother figure in his life than his real mum. Soon Callum's name would be added to that list.
Ben's felt his eyes begin to water and his tears gather then slide slowly down his cheeks. So many mistakes none of which he can take back now. Slumping back against the couch he did his best to keep his sobs soft and silent. He did not want to wake the others up so he sat there in the dark, face wet with tears and his soul filled with grief and regrets.
*****************************
Callum lay in bed eyes glued to the ceiling of his bedroom. He knew the moment Ben got out of bed. Callum always knew where Ben was. His body was tuned to the younger man like a compass was to north. North that's what Ben was to him. His north his focus and his destination, his.....home. Their lives were so entwined that when Callum did his best to put distance between them all he accomplished in the end; is creating a neater and shorter path to the young man.
Callum knew where his future lay. But right now they were not on the same page. Ben had hidden behind so many barriers and Callum has been plowing through them. Only Callum was exhausted and his strength was waning. He loves Ben Mitchell. That is a statement of fact that cannot be denied. What Callum does not know, for certain is if the feelings are mutual. He knows that Ben cares for him and he is 99.9% sure that the younger man is in love with him. But that .1% is a doubting bitch that will not go silent or let him go.
Callum is stronger both emotionally and physically since he came out. His confidence is soaring. Where before he would let people tell him what he thought and what he should do. Now he will stand his ground and argue his point and not back down. All that confidence came with his coming out to his father and his growing feelings for a troubled and grumpy car salesman.
All this newfound confidence in himself would not have happened without Ben. Ben was at his side from the beginning of his journey to the very end. Prodding and poking and offering words of wisdom and encouragement. By his side even when Callum didn't want him there. Now Callum wants to do the same for Ben. Not because he feels he has too, but because he wants too. He wants Ben to have the same freedom that he now has. The same contentment of being with a person you trust and love. Knowing that person will catch you when you fall or stumble.
Ben may act and behave as if he has it all figured out. His hard outer shell keeping his cold and indifferent veneer on display. It works for those who do not care to look closer or are blind to it and him. Underneath all that, hidden in the shallow depths, Ben is soft and filled with warmth. Ben is still that abandoned, abused and ignored little boy. One that is still craving the attention, approval, and acceptance of his gruff and indifferent father. Callum more than anyone knows that Phil will never truly accept his son. Phil's acceptance ends with Ben's usefulness. Right now Ben is as close to the edge as he has ever been. Callum is not sure he can save him.
“Fuck.” Callum sits up in bed tossing the covers aside. The soft muffled sobs coming from the other room has alerted him to Ben's growing distress. Running a hand through his hair he follows the sound to his boyfriend sitting curled on the couch his mouth buried behind a pillow. Tentatively he reaches out to touch the younger man on the arm. His heart breaks when two of the saddest blue eyes meet his own. Gently he wipes away the tears taking the pillow from Ben and tossing it aside. Callum taps at his mouth indicating he wants Ben to pay attention. “Talk to me, please?”
Ben forces the words 'I'm sorry” back down his throat. Callum has heard them so many times they have lost any meaning or weight. “I just wanted to say goodbye and tell Sharon how sorry I was....am” Ben mumbles softly his face turned down looking at the floor. “I should have thought my presence there would just set her off. I didn't think past my own needs or wants.” as usual remains unsaid.
“Ben,” Callum calls out then curses at himself forgetting that the young man can no longer hear him. Reaching out he clasps his lover's face lifting it until their eyes meet again. “You did nothing wrong.” Callum holds the younger man's face still when Ben scoffed and made to turn away. “ Look and listen. You ….did ….nothing ….WRONG.” Callum could still see the disbelief in Ben's face. “I will keep saying that until you believe me.” Ben nodded and felt a new wave of tears fall from his eyes.
The two-man sat in the dark in silence for so long Callum was about to suggest going back to bed when Ben spoke. “You were right. Everything you said the other night was the truth.” Ben lifted his hand and scratched along his beard. A nervous tic that Callum immediately picked up on.
“Ben, I..” Callum started only for Ben to interrupt him.
“No, you had your say now let me have mine.” Ben took a deep breath before beginning. “I want to clear up two things. One I didn't pick up an old queen. He came onto me and I saw a chance to prove to myself and to others that I could still run a scam. I could still use my voice and charm to get what I wanted.” Ben kept his eyes averted. That way he could not see Callum's reaction to his words. “I had no intention of cheating on you. Why would I? Since meeting you I have wanted nothing or no one more. I was going to take his credit cards and wallet. But, when he left to pay the bill he left his keys on the table. So I took them instead. My reason for doing what I did is not good or sound. But I wanted to prove I was still the same. I never meant to hurt you. I am sorry for that.”
Callum again leaned over and lifted Ben's face to meet his gaze. “You're sorry you hurt me but not what you did.” He asked for clarity's sake.
“No. I'm immature Callum. I thought you knew that.” Ben's attempt at levity missed its mark. “The man was a predator looking for a bit of fun on the side. All the while the man's poor wife is living a lie and made a fool. If he hadn't chosen me he would have chosen someone else. I have met many men like him. Only after their own pleasure.” After losing Paul, he had gone home with many men like Hugo. “I knew he wouldn't press charges because he would not want his wife to find out.”
Callum shuddered; a cold voice whispered in his head that could have been him; if he had married Whitney. His dark thoughts were silenced at the warm hand wrapping around his wrist. He looked up and saw a soft knowing smile on Ben's face.
“No, never;” was all the younger man said. Clearing his throat Ben again moved his gaze off the older man. “You asked me if I ever give you a thought. I think about you all the time. There is not a day where you are not in my head. The days you were missing I nearly lost my sanity. I lived, breathed you. Your name was on my tongue every minute of the day.” Ben became agitated the more he spoke of that time. “ I ...held a pregnant woman at gunpoint in hopes that she could convince Keanu to tell me where you were.” Ben shook his head in shame. He never would have hurt Sharon he just wanted Callum back.
“Callum I held a gun to my father's head threatening to shoot him if he didn't stop. I needed Keanu alive he was my only link to finding you. I couldn't let dad kill him.” Ben felt his heart beat fast and hard against his ribs, reliving that moment. “He said I would never shoot him.” Ben gave a hollow laugh. “Smug bastard so sure of himself. You can imagine his surprise when I told him for you I would.” God help him, Ben would have shot his old man. Right there on that boat put a bullet in him to stop him from killing his only chance of finding Callum. “You are always on my mind,” Ben told him, voice soft and timid from his confession.
Callum found himself in disbelief and unable to utter a sound. Of course, he knew that Ben was going out of his mind trying to find him. Not only was he fearful of what would happen to Callum, but he had also been pushing his hearing loss aside until Callum was found. This he heard from both Jay and surprising enough Stuart.
Callum never once doubted that Ben would find him. He knew because when he was laying there in that cold abandoned warehouse; he knew Ben would not give up on him. Felt it in his very soul, unwavering faith that Ben would show up. Callum knows Ben cares about him but did his caring stop once Callum was found?
Ben's actions would infer that he loves Callum. But sometimes you need the words spoken aloud to ease your own self-doubts and demons. Callum was 99.9% sure of Ben's love and affection. Yet so many times Callum has been left grasping at air. Each time he tries to help or suggest a way to help, Ben turns away from him and cold shoulders him for a while. There is when the doubts resurface and Callum feels himself getting angry and fed up. Here he is offering everything to Ben. Who is so damaged with a self-worth that is nearly nonexistent. So much so that he would rather push away Callum's hand instead of clasping it tightly.
Both men grew up in the same kind of household, domineering and abusive father and absent mother. Yet, their outlook of life and people could not be any more different. Callum can't really explain why. Though he does have his suspicions. Where Callum kept his distance from his father. He had come to terms of never having his father's approval a long time ago. Having Ben spell it out for him cemented it.
“No, Callum he ain't. He's just some bloke that got you, mum, pregnant.”
That opened his eyes in so many ways. Jonno had played no significant role in his life. Other than to terrorize him. Thankfully, he had Stuart to buffer between them. So when the time came to stand up to Jonno. It had been the easiest thing he ever did. Callum has felt stronger, freer and calmer since. His mind and body at peace with themselves and the world.
Ben had been instrumental in Callum's freedom. It's just a shame the younger man did not take his one advice. Even after rejection, he has still sought Phil Mitchell's approval. This constant need and flaw in Ben to be validated by a man who would rather welcome a stranger into his fold, and claim him as a son over his own blood. This rejection keeps eating away at the younger man. So much so that it controls all he does. The voice of his father speaks loud and clear in his son's actions and words. His self doubts and need to always be in control. Even if that control means pushing everything good way.
Callum studies the young man before him. Ben had always presented himself with confidence, larger than life with a steely resolve. No one would get the best of him at least not without Ben getting his own back. That was Ben that everyone knew. The one they both disliked and were intimidated by. That Ben is nowhere to be found in this sad and broken man before him. Ben looked so young, much younger than his 24 years. Too young to be so broken.
Callum was unsure if he could fix him. In truth, he was not even sure he wanted to try. Not without some kind of acknowledgment from Ben. Acknowledgment that Ben wanted to get better, wanted Callum's help. Callum selfishly wanted to know if Ben wanted Callum's love. If he cared and loved Callum back. Callum needed to hear from Ben that he was not the only one invested in this relationship. He needed some kind of reaction other than anger and resentment. Something that gave Callum hope to hang in there.
Maybe in the eyes of some that makes him a pushover. But that is who Callum has always been. Not a pushover but someone that cared with every fiber of their being. When he loved someone they knew it, because he made sure they saw it and felt it. Every choice Callum makes is made with love. That is just who he is. Yes, he can get so wrapped up on someone that he pushes his feeling aside. The best example of that was Whitney. He never wanted to hurt her so he did anything she asked. Made decisions that he knew would make her happy. It was a fairy tale life he was living. Fairy tale not because it was perfect. A fairy tale because it was make-believe, a fantasy of what Callum thought his perfect life should be. A fairy tale that was destroyed when Ben Mitchell came barreling into his world.
Ben's pursuit of him exhilarated him as well as scared him to death. His determination to break Callum free of his fake life and to stop living for his father's approval, an ironic premise, and Whitney's happiness. But instead to live for himself and pursue his own happiness. Harsh, brash and wholly inappropriate, that was how Ben Mitchell saved him from himself. So how could Callum not return the favor and save Ben from himself?
He couldn't so Callum soldiered on until there was nothing more to do, say or offer. The last straw having been Kathy telling him of Ben leaving with another man. Every step forward is quickly followed by several steps back. A spark of anger flashes in Callum he taps the younger man on the arm gaining his attention, “Ben we are going round in circles. Something happens you shut down, push me away. You get angry and resentful then go and do something stupid. I am left looking like a fool. I make sacrifices for this relationship. For you! Right now you are giving me nothing in return. I deserve better.”
“I know, I know,” Ben rubbed at his eyes, his contacts irritated by the crying he's done this night. “You deserve everything good in this world, Callum. I'm sorry I couldn't do things right to make you feel wanted and appreciated. I'm sorry for making you feel like you were the only one giving and invested in this relationship. I promise you, you're not.” Ben took a big trembling breath before continuing. “I forget what it's like to be a part of something. I'm so used to being on my own and alone. All I can do is promise to try harder.” Ben twists his hands in his lap waiting nervously for Callum to reply.
Callum makes sure Ben is paying attention before he speaks. “You've promised me that before.” Callum reminds him. He can see Ben's hands trembling in his lap. It has been a long emotional day and Ben must be exhausted. Every instinct in Callum was to reach out and pull Ben into his arms. Offering him comfort. Only this time Callum denies them and himself. Instead, he sat and watched the younger man struggle and in turn found his heartbreaking for him. His next words would break Ben's. “I'm not sure I can trust your word.” He spoke them slowly and clearly so that Ben could read them easily. It pained Callum to see the last bit of hope die in Ben's beautiful eyes. His face morphing from sorrow to acceptance in an instance.
“I understand.” Ben isn't surprised. He has pushed Callum away so many times its ridicules and amazing the older man kept coming back. Always with promises to do better, try harder. Callum would be Ben's biggest regret. Ben knew that once free Callum would find himself a partner that would give him everything he needs and deserves. Treat him with respect and kindness. All things Ben did not do or how to do them. Though it tore at him to think of Callum with another man. A part of Ben was happy that Callum would get his happily ever after, even if it was not with Ben.
There was still one doubt Ben needed to address before he gathered his clothing and pride and walked out of Callum's life perhaps forever. Something he should have done ages ago but his fear of loss holding him back.
Callum waited for Ben to say more only the younger man grew quiet in contemplation. The silence between the two men grew until Callum was sure he would go insane. Callum shook his head in disbelief that their relationship filled with so much chaotic energy would end here in silence. He had hoped for.............something. Callum braced his hands on the arm of the chair to stand, needing to be away from this beautiful and damaged frustrating man. A man that should have been Callum's completely if not for his fears and demons. Before he could stand he was stopped by Ben's soft voice; filled with regret, acceptance and precious sincerity; breaking the silence.
“I love you,”
The three words whispered so brokenly echoed loudly in the silence. Callum stunned could not do any more than just stare open mouth at the young man. A balm of warmth and hope-filled his hollowed chest. Swallowing thickly he raised hopeful eyes while his mouth curled into a soft smile, he gazed in wonder at his lover.
Eyes still focused on the floor Ben did not see the look of hope gracing the older man's handsome face. Instead, Ben nodded and gave a sad smile of acceptance at Callum's silence. “I thought you should know.” Biting his bottom lip he fought to keep the tears at bay.
“Say it again,” Callum asked. Smile now stretched across his face. “Ben say it again!” In his need to hear the words he forgot of his lover's hearing loss.
Ben unaware of Callum's request, lost the battle as moisture pooled in his eyes, flowing down his cheeks. Unable to keep still the younger man stood intent on making his escape. Before he could take one step he felt an iron grip close around his wrist. Then a large warm hand clasping his chin, turning and lifting his face. Ben frowned in confusion looking at his ex-lover. Ben could see that Callum's mouth was moving but he was having trouble following. “I don't understand?” he told him shaking his head.
Callum released Ben's wrist and instead took Ben's face gently between his hands. “Say...it.....again.”
Ben had to of misread. Callum surely didn't want him to say...
“Tell me!” Callum nearly shouted hands now gripping on tightly to the smaller man's arms. “Please. I need to know I'm not dreaming this.”
Ben lifted his hand placing it on Callum's cheek gently cradling it, smiling he said, “I.... love.... you.” Ben did he always had. Saying the words out loud gave Callum so much power over him. But Callum was the one person who would never use his love against him as a weapon. Not like his father would. A tightness in his chest loosened and Ben felt like he could breathe for the first time. For the life of him, he could not remember why saying those three words frightened him so.
Ben had not given so much of himself to another person since Paul. It terrified and thrilled him at the same time. Add in his insecurities and Callum ended up with this mess that stood before him. Ben would try to be better. Put his demons in the past so that he could live his future with Callum.
Ben never meant to hurt Callum or to be so hot and cold. But he also never planned on falling in love again. That was a part of his life Ben had caged away after losing Paul. Ben was not strong enough to go through that kind of loss again. Ben knew Callum wanted to hear those words. Better yet knew Callum deserved to hear those words. So Ben pushed all his fears aside because if they came to an end tonight. Ben wanted Callum to know how he felt about him. Just because Ben was damaged didn't mean he couldn't fall in love. He could and had been in love with Callum for quite some time. It was his one constant that kept him going when he felt all his father's anger and disappointment. It fed him warmth when his world turned cold.
“I love you.” The words fell from his mouth as easily as a sigh or breath. Nothing had been easier to say then those three words. Nothing had been more powerful or free. “Real and proper.”
Ben felt himself crushed against Callum. A large hand on the back of his neck tilted his head back. Callum pressed his mouth against his young lovers. “Again.” Callum breathed against Ben's mouth.
Ben did his bidding saying the words in between kisses. “I...” lips pressed together. “love..” sliding of tongue along Callum's bottom lip. “you...” groaned into Callum's mouth when the older man took control.
“I'll never let you go now.” Callum pressed his forehead to Ben's breathing in the sweet scent of the younger man. “You're mine to keep.” Callum knew this close Ben could not read his lips so, in essence, the younger man had no idea what was said. But that did not stop Ben from agreeing with Callum. Because Ben trusted Callum with his life and now his heart.
“Yes. Anything you want. I'll give it freely.” Ben promised, clinging tighter to his lover. “I promise.” Ben pressed his face into Callum's shoulder all the while saying, “I love you.” over and over again.
Callum knew those three words would not fix all of their problems. But they were a start. Both men were still very much a work in progress, but at least now they had a solid foundation. One built with love and respect. Something firm and strong they could build on. A future for them both as individuals and as a couple.