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Youngtaek’s fists clenched the bathroom countertop. He shook in frustration trying to release all his feelings into the hands that were holding onto the countertop for support. This was not something he was used to - at least not to this intensity. He took deep breaths staring at his reflection though the mirror.
He looked like a shell of the person he was before he entered the bathroom. Sweat lining his forehead, hair ruffled and a mess, eyes bloodshot and almost on the verge to tears. He shuddered with each breath he took.
This is not working. This is not working. This is not working.
He paced back and forth in the empty bathroom - listening to the pitter patter of the leaky faucets and the creaking of the old pipes. He attempted to slow down his breaths. He focused on these small details instead. A small comfort it was. Only a small comfort however for the looming sense of dread in his chest that came up ever so often.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
"It's okay Youngtaek, you can do this. One step at a time. One small step at a time. Its going to be okay," he whispered to himself despite being alone.
“Youngtaek- ah”, a familiar voice broke through his mantra ,”are you in here?”
He paused in his pacing and stared in the direction of the opening door.
Seungmin’s brown mop of hair peaked in and he let out a sigh of relief, fully opening the door when he caught Youngtaek's eye.
“I was looking all over for you. Why’re you in here?” He questioned walking over to Youngtaek.
“No reason”, Youngtaek replied, willing his voice to be calm. “Just needed to use the bathroom? Ya know.”
“Yeah I got that.” Seungmin nodded, “but you've been gone for a while now? Is everything okay?”, concern lacing his voice.
Youngtaek looked above Seungmin’s head at a random tile, hoping that he could prolong answering.
“Youngtaek- ah” he repeated. Youngtaek could imagine the pout on Seungmin's face now - the wrinkle that would appear in the middle of his eyebrows. But still he dared not to look down at him.
Youngtaek took a deep gulp, he knew the best answer was to probably lie and just get through the event but the anxiety was getting to him. And Seungmin was his rock now. Without knowing, seungmin became his foundation when times were tough. Seungmin was the reason that he was able to get through so many shaky situations.
He shook his head, eyes still glued above Seungmin's head. 'No,” he admitted “I'm a bit nervous?”
“Taek, how come?” Seungmin replied in low tones barely above the creaking pipes in the bathroom.
“I just - I don't know. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared I'm going to go up on that stage and I'm going to mess up. And that's when the teach is gonna realize that I'm wrong for that scholarship. And I'm going to lose it. Oh fuck.' Youngtaek let out in one breath.
“Oh fuck oh fuck.” He repeated, his eyes widening with each curse. “I'm going to lose my scholarship. I'm going to lose it," he kept repeating.
“Hey hey Youngtaek! Listen to me.” Seungmin tried to pull him back, ground Youngtaek in the present, but he was long gone into the deep corners of his mind.
“Youngtaek come on.” He pulled the taller boy down to his level. Down to the floor. And sat him there on the dirty tiled floor.
‘Youngtaek, come on look at me.” Seungmin kept his voice low, despite wanting to raise it and just shake him into the present.
“I want you to breathe. Breathe.” He could still see that Youngtaek was still in his own headspace with no desire of coming out. Eyes unfocused, shallow breaths coming in and out - it was all there. Sweat lining his forehead even worse than when Seungmin first noticed.
Seungmin brought their knees together, held Youngtaeks face in his hands and pushed their foreheads together.
‘Breathe in breathe out. Youngtaek match me.” Seungmin almost cried. This was the worst he had ever seen the attacks. Never anything fully like this. “Please. Breathe in. Breathe out. "
Youngtaek’s eyes were shut tight now, but what was at first shallow breaths became slower and deeper and matched Seungmin’s owns breathing.
“Good just like that, ” Seungmin reassured him. “Breathe in and breathe out. Just like that.”
The two continued in that manner, Seungmin holding the taller boy in his arms in fear of it happening again. After a few minutes, when Seungmin felt the situation passed, “I got you, but you have you to tell me what’s going on?”
Seungmin moved back just a bit, separating their foreheads to get a clearer view of Youngtaek’s face - pink and flushed. Youngtaek clutched at the smaller hands opposite of him making their retreat.
Exhausted, Youngtaek said, “I don’t think I’m the right person for this performance. I just - I just don’t know why they even chose me to begin with?” He shook his head and rested it on Seungmin’s shoulder.
“You are the right person.” Seungmin reassured him, “You’re one of the most hardworking people I know. You’ve worked so hard to get here.” It’s impossible to think that Youngtaek was undeserving of this. Quite literally impossible - how the thought even crossed his mind angered Seungmin.
“But I just - I'm going to mess up. I know it.” Youngtaek shook his head on the shoulder supporting him - regardless of what Seungmin had to say - he just knew this wasn’t going to work.”
“You don’t know what’s going to happen out there, but I can assure you - you are going to do your best and give it your all.” He paused and took a breathe before continuing, “That's what you’ve been doing every day for the past few weeks you’ve known about this event. You’ve been doing so well. I see you practice so much your fingers look like they are going to fall off. You’ve practiced day in and day out. Your professor has said good things about your practices. You're doing so well.”
‘I -” Youngtaek began but Seungmin cut him off , “No buts - no buts at all.”
He rested his head lightly on Youngtaek’s head.
“Believe me when I say you deserve this. Believe me when I say you’re going to do well. Believe me.”
Youngtaek pressed his forehead deeper into the other boy’s shoulder, a sigh leaving his mouth, “How can you believe in me when I don’t even believe in myself?”
With no hesitation in his voice, Seungmin smiled softly, “That’s easy, it’s because I see you. I see you when you don’t see yourself. You’ll always focus in on your own flaws but I see everything else.”
Seungmin pushed Youngtaek off of him and gripped his shoulders' ,“So, believe me," with a spark in his eyes.
Youngtaek pulled him into a hug and whispered softly, “Okay, I’ll believe you.”
Seungmin smiled into the taller boy’s black mop, holding him just as tightly.
Seungmin grabbed his hand and pulled him off the floor. With a chuckle, “ Okay, let’s get you cleaned up quickly now.”
Youngtaek cursed, “Shit! Yeah I gotta get myself together or Donghyunnie's gonna yell at me,” already leaning towards the mirror trying to get his hair to look somewhat neat.
Youngtaek left the bathroom in a completely different manner than when he first entered. When he entered he felt small despite his tall height. He felt weaker and a less confident version of himself, granted he wasn’t always confident but he could fake it when it mattered, but today was not one of those days. Today was a day where all his worries and burdens and fears and thoughts bubbled up inside him, begging to be released. Begging to drown him out in a sea of self-doubt.
He entered the bathroom intending to not come out - perhaps missing out the entire show - missing the performance he worked so hard on.
He entered the bathroom alone.
He exited the bathroom head held high, feeling taller, feeling much more confident in his own abilities. He felt reassured and capable of handling the storm raging inside him.
He exited the bathroom arm in arm with someone whom he called his best friend. With someone who despite seeing the worst in him always had something good to say about him. Who protected him from the demons he chose to see in himself.
And for that he was grateful.