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He’s gone. He’s actually gone. My mind keeps repeating these words on loop. It’s been a month since he left, but I still just feel so empty. Not like that’s new, I haven’t felt anything for as long as I can remember, but that never stopped me I suppose. I miss him so much. I think about him every day and my entire body just aches with loneliness and guilt. My mind keeps echoing, “It’s your fault,” “Why didn’t you do anything, Nastasia,” “If it weren’t for you he wouldn’t be gone.” It mocks me with every word, and I listen to all of its taunts and mockery, whether or not it is true.
Did I actually do anything wrong? Am I blaming myself for something I had no choice in the matter of? I do have something, if not everything, to do with his absence, but what did I do to make him leave. I continue to attack and berate myself for something I probably nothing to do with it. The fault of his loyal secretary, who made him desert his friends to live with his true love. I understand he’s happier now with her, but I’m not…I feel awful. I wish I just….could’ve done something better. Told him how much I care about him, told him how happy it makes me to see him happy with my own eyes. After all, it doesn’t matter how I feel right now. If he’s happy, I should be happy, right? But I’m not, and that’s my fault.
What would have happened if I did things differently? Would I have been able to convince him to stay with us? What would’ve happened if I had been in Timpani’s place? What could have I done differently…Grambi, now I’m crying. How pathetic, crying alone at an abandoned pillar in Flopside. Is there anything sadder than this? No one else even misses him; it’s just me, grieving all alone because the only person to show me kindness has fucking abandoned me.
Maybe I’m speaking nonsense. Maybe I’m scribbling all my thoughts in my notebook for no reason; no one will even read this or understand what I’m going through anyways, but I just need to get these out. My head is pounding with thoughts of why’s and what if’s. I began to laugh hysterically, what would the Count do if he saw me like this! I bet he’d fire me. I’d bet he would have deserted me even sooner than he actually did. This is all so selfish anyways, he didn’t desert me but that’s simply the way I’m viewing it! Who does that except me...
Suddenly, I hear a knock on the other side of the pillar. I wipe my tears away and look to see Mimi, frowning. “Nassy, are you okay? I came to check up on you and I heard crying…. What’s up..?” I tried to keep my composure but when I opened my mouth, all that came out was wailing sobs. Grambi, I’m so pathetic. Mimi then rushed to my side and hugged me. She smelled like a sweet pastry and her arms were so comforting… “Nassy, is this about Blecky…it’s been a month,” she comforted. “He’s not coming back Mimi, what am I supposed to do now….” I choked, looking down at her. Her grip tightened as she spoke, “I don’t know. But, what I do know is that you have me and O’Chunks still. I love you so much Nassy and I’ll be there for you, always.” I then…felt something other than grief, the same emotion I felt when Bleck saved me from that cage, but different. It felt more…pure than then and it felt more bubbly. Was this what love actually feels like?? I hugged back as I continued to bawl out, “I love you too Mimi…thank you. Can we stay like this a little longer…” “Of course, Nassy,” she said as she tightened her grip on me. I think this is what true love feels like, I’m very sure of it…