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We’ve just gotten out of the car, Carreys parents dropped us off at the campsite, number 113. It was just me, him, Felix and Ethan. The reason we were out here was actually because of Carrey, he was turning 17, and his parents finally let us take him outside of the house for the weekend. It’s not like he was shut in, he went to school, went to youth group, he used to play soccer with Felix but not anymore. I could tell he was excited today, he was practically shaking on the bench, smiling at Felix and Ethan as they started setting up the tent. I walk away, trodding on the spring grass, plopping on the table part of the bench next to Carrey, putting a hand on his back, looking on as the others are setting up. “Are you excited?” I asked, turning to look at him with a smile.
He looks back over at me, exhaling and sinking into my arm just slightly, as if letting some kind of anxiety go. “Yeah, I think so.” He says, smiling at me. It’s so weird to see him smile, I feel like he does it a lot but when he smiles at me it’s different. Like, he’s actually smiling when he’s smiling with me. I smile at him too, turning to look at him and we make eye contact. We sit there for a moment in this weird, awkward smiling at eachother, looking at each other. I slowly let my hand drift off his back and back to my sides, looking away from him as he does the same.
Felix looks up at us. “Hey! Can you get up and help us? Just cause it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you get to sit on that bench and not help” He says, half joking. But, we get up.
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The sun settles over the forest. It's chilly, even in the spring, the tent can’t protect us from the cold fully, but the sleeping bag makes me feel warm at least. We have two tents, Felix and Ethan are in the other one, me and Carrey are in this one. I’m sitting up, reading, when Carrey suddenly shoots up, looking around, wide eyed.
“What is it?” I ask, scooting over towards him quickly.
He looks at me. “Did you say something? I swear I heard something.” He says rapidly, practically rambling as he looks around the tent.
I put my arm around him again. “It’s okay, it’s probably just an owl. Calm down.” I say into his ear.
He continues to look around. “It wasn’t you though, it was like… Like… I don’t know. It was different.” He says, turning his gaze towards me for validation.
I chuckle, feeling the mood in the room calm down a bit. “Camping can be scary sometimes. We don’t know what’s outside this tent, but it’s gonna be okay. Tomorrow we’ll go swimming and kayaking, and it’ll be great. Just get some sleep, okay?” I say kindly to him.
He sighs, looking reassured as he lays his head down on the sleeping bag. “Alright. I’m sorry about causing all that fuss. It just sorta freaked me out, ya know?” He says, looking at me as I lay back down as well.
“I get it. Just, trust me on this, if any owl, no matter how big tries to get you, I’ll fight 'em off, alright?” I say with a smile. He laughs, before turning around in his sleeping bag, falling asleep.
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When I walk outside the next morning, he’s standing outside near the fire, looking at a magnolia flower. I walk over to him of curse, curious about what he finds interesting. “Good morning. What you lookin’ at?” I ask him, looking at the flower myself. It is beautiful and white, it’s petals like a natural extension of the tree’s leaves. They are in full bloom now, so they fold out longer than usual, and are more pristine than ever.
Carrey sighs. “I don’t know what it is about them. They’re just so pretty, ya know?” He says, turning his head to me. I nod in agreement, before turning back to look at the flower. Carrey's hand drifts up, shaking, quivering. His breath shortens, in one swift motion he picks the flower. A snap sound rings out in our ears, the quiet air making every sound louder. Carrey looks at the flower, his eyes almost transfixed by it, just sitting there, staring at this beautiful flower. Before he snorts and throws it on the ground.
“Oh my god that smells disgusting, Jesus I” He is cut off by his own coughing, weezing into his elbow.
I take a step away from him, half chuckling at his reaction to the flower. “Hey, dude, you uh- You know. You took god's name in vain.” I say, looking at him. It’s just a gentle reminder, he isn’t a sinner, I know that. I just wanna make sure he’s on the right track, y’know? I wanna keep being friends with him, and I can’t do that if he’s doing bad things. This wasn’t a major grievance, I’m not that uptight. Just a reminder.
He shafts his eyes upwards at me, I think he could be rolling them, but I’m not sure. “Sorry.” He grumbles, before turning away from me, muttering underneath his breath. He’s acting… Strange to say the least. But hopefully we can still have a fun day kayaking. Sighing, I look up at the trees. As dawn overtakes the forest, it starts to feel lonely. We’re so far from anyone and everything, anything could happen out here. I could get murdered by an axe murderer or attacked by a wild wolf. But, I trust them. I trust Carrey, and I know that he would never hurt me.
I look down at that flower again, Carrey stepped on it when he left, it has been bruised and broken, it’s beauty tarnished. Why would god make something so beautiful, that smelled so rotten, so horrible? Maybe it’s representative of sin. Sin is beautiful on its face, but once you’ve engaged in it you can see what it really is, an ugly, repulsive flower.
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We’re about an hour or so into our kayaking expedition, I’m steering from the back of course, Carrey is in the front. It’s rather humid out here, the mosquitoes buzz above the water, adding an extra hum to the background of the quiet trip. Ever since earlier, when I corrected Carrey, he’s been kind of quiet, occasionally darting his eyes around frantically like he did that night in the tent. I have no idea what’s up with him, but I know it's weird. Conversation always comes so easily with us, sometimes we’d just talk for hours on end and it’d never get boring, but right now, on this serene lake, there was so much tension between us. Like some kind of invisible wall was stopping us from connecting, and I had no idea how to bring it down.
We paddle silently for another 15 minutes, he’s humming, I’m doing most of the heavy lifting in the back, but that’s what you’re supposed to do in the back of a kayak. We come to an open stretch of water, where we don’t have to focus completely, we can relax as we paddle, just a little bit. I clear my throat as I paddle. “So uh, Carey. Are you doing, y’know, alright?” I ask, a bit timidly, the tension still hanging in the air.
Carrey clears his throat as well. “Yeah, I’m fine, just thinking.” He says, still staring ahead and paddling. The air is quiet other than the chirping of birds and the buzzing of mosquitoes. His voice is almost distorted by the radiant heat filling the air.
“Thinking about what?” I ask as we continue to paddle. He takes a little bit too long, dropping his paddles into the paddle racks and breathing slowly. He lays his head backwards, looking up at me.
“Just thinking. I’m turning 17 and I feel like I don’t even… Know myself? You know?” He says, looking up at me still, before turning his gaze to the sky, putting an arm over his face to try and block the sun a little bit.
The stopping of paddling in a welcome break, so I stop paddling as well, gazing out over the water with him. “Is this about earlier? Do you that you’re… Not a christian?” I ask, a little confused, refusing my temptation to look back down at him, just looking at the water.
I hear him sigh, I feel him put a hand on my hand for a second. “I don’t know. I know that god is real I just, I don’t know. There’s so much that he tells us not to do, so much that we bar from our very own life because something intangible, something that we haven’t even met apparently tells us to do so. God didn’t even write the bible, Darryl. How do we know if anything but right now is real?” Carrey says, sitting up to look me dead in the eyes as he talks.
I have absolutely no idea how to respond. I can’t even form thoughts. These are ideas and words that I’ve never heard strung together before. It’s blasphemous, it’s something that I just can't.... I don’t get how anyone could think like that, how anyone could say those words to me. God didn’t write the bible, that’s right, every single thing that Carrey said was true but it goes so completely against every single thing I’ve learned in my 17 years of life. But I’m tapped here in this forest, and this open body of water that is so… Repressive, like it’s choking me. I’m stuck, looking into Carrey’s eyes as tears form within mine. I don’t get why I feel so shaken by this either, it’s something about how he’s looking at me, searching for validation and safety in my eyes that’s ripping me apart inside.
I turn my head down and start paddling, but then Carrey talks.
“Darryl wait, stop just, let’s talk about this, we- “ I cut him off before he can finish talking.
“No, we won’t talk about this.” I say abruptly.
“Darryl we can’t just ignore what just happened. You know what I said is true.” He says, reaching out for me again.
I throw his hand away from me. “Shut up! I don’t need to hear it I don’t want t- “
This time he cuts me off. “You already heard it Darryl! You can’t unhear it.” He says, almost pleadingly.
“What you said is blasphemous, it is lies, it’s what the devil spreads in your heart. You need to think about-” He cuts me off again, pushing himself forward, rocking the kayak.
“No Darryl, I think you need to think about things. I’ve been living in some weird unfeeling world for 17 long years where I haven’t let myself be alive because of something that God apparently said at one point or another! I’m not gonna live like that anymore Darryl! You may be happy like that but I know you aren’t Darryl, I know-” I stand up, dropping the paddles, prompting him to do the same. The kayak rocks back and forth as the argument gets more and more heated.
“I am perfectly happy! What have I ever done but smile this entire trip? You’re just projecting onto me!” I say, tensing my fists up.
“You were just about to cry Darryl! Because someone questioned your faith because you know that it’s holding you back from being happy!” He yells, getting closer and closer to me.
“What’s it holding me back from? Huh? What?” I ask, stepping over one of the wood benches.
“From me Darryl. I love you, and I know that you feel the same way. And I’ve just been compartmentalizing and repressing and bottling up that and every single emotion that I ever felt and- and I just need to get it out there now! Okay Darryl?” He says, looking up at me again.
I take a step away from him. I feel something inside me stirring, a temptation, a sin. I remember how good it felt when he leaned into my arm, comforting him in the tent, constantly worrying about how he felt, about what was going on with him. But that was just friend stuff. It wasn’t love, it can’t be love. A relationship is between a man and a woman and that’s just how it is. My mother taught me to be able to identify these types of people. I should’ve been able to tell what he was. I can’t believe I let myself get close to someone like this, someone like him. All that time he was just mooching off of me for affection, viewing me as a romantic partner, exploiting me for my kindness. But not anymore. I’m not that kind of person. I’m not a sinner. I’m a child of god and I won’t let this delusional freak go on any longer believing that I could ever like someone like him.
“You freak.”
I say bluntly, I can see him recoil.
“I tought, I- “ He mutters halfheartedly.
“You thought you could drag me down into a life of sin, you thought you could get close to me, use me for my kindness and then… Drag me down with you. Well that’s not happening.”
I say, getting closer to him, the kayak shaking as Carrey gets closer to the edge.
“Darryl, you know that isn’t true. We’ve been friends since we were baby’s. Why would I be using you?” He says, pleading with me again, his eyes asking for that validation, that safety with me again. I wouldn’t give it to him.
“That’s just how you people are. At some point you made the choice to like me, so you stuck around like a parasite.” I say, the anger rising. I feel bad, somewhere deep down, seeing him afraid of me, but I know that he deserves this and more.
“You think I want to feel like this Darryl? Do you think I wanna betray my faith? It wasn’t my choice to feel like this!” He says, backing up further, one foot almost off the kayak.
Part 2: Carrey
We’ve just gotten out of the car. It’s about to be my 17th birthday actually and… I don’t really know how to feel. I mean, it means that I’m closer to being 18, which is supposed to be some kind of age landmark or something, I guess. I just feel kind of… Lost. This is the first time I’ve really been somewhere with just my friends, no parents. When I left they told me not to do anything wrong because “God is watching over you”. I sit on the bench over near the side, Ethan and Felix are fixing the tent as I contemplate the rest of my life. This will be fun though, I’m sure that the 4 of us will get up to something good over the next few days. I’m glad I get to spend this time with-.
Darryl walks over, sitting on the table part of the bench beside me. He puts an arm around my shoulder as I turn my head to smile at him. It’s a comfortable friendship that we have. We’ve been friends since we were really little and he’s always comforted me and helped me out. He’s so considerate and great, I couldn’t ask for a better friend if I’m honest.
“Are you excited?”
He asks me with a kind smile. I exhale, sinking into his arm a little bit. He’s always calmed me down. It’s like a single talk with him just rids me of all my anxiety. When I’m with him, I feel things, like good things. I smile at him, a true, heartfelt smile. Most of the times that I smile, I feel almost like I’m faking it, like I’m putting on a show for others. But when I smile with him it’s always real. We keep looking at each other for a long, uncomfortable moment. He has eyes full of care and love and I’m so glad to be looking into them. My mind begins to form a thought, before we’re interrupted.
“Hey! Can you get up and help us? Just cause it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you get to sit on that bench and not help” Felix yells. So, we get up and head over.
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It’s night time now, Darryl is staying up reading, and I’m curled up in my sleeping bag, just beginning to slide into sleep. My breathing becomes rhythmic, slipping into a munotinus pattern as I drift off. I’m excited for once, tomorrow we’re gonna go kayaking to some spring and go swimming. It’s been a long time since I did that, and I can’t wait to be back in the water again. As I slipped even deeper into my sleep, my body slipping into my mindscape, leaving behind the physical world, I heard a voice. It was deep and strong, but it whispered softly into my ear so as to not wake me from my slumber.
“You can pretend all you want, but we all know what you are, Carrey.”
It said, reverberating within my ear. I can feel it breathing down my neck, like a stalker to prey. I shoot awake, looking around, terrified. Darryl is immediately at my side.
“What is it?” He asks, arm around me again.
I look around the room frantically. “Did you say something? I swear I heard something.” I say, my eyes darting around again, looking for whatever had spoken to me just a few moments ago. He reassures me, telling me that it was just an owl. He convinces me to lay down, so I do, but I just can’t stop thinking about whatever that thing was. I know what I heard. An owl can’t say full sentences like that. But what worries me most, what really gets under my skin is that it knows something about me. Something that not even I know.
Eventually, I’m able to drift off to sleep. But it’s an uneasy sleep, I slip into a dark abyss, whispers beyond the edge of my hearing, faintly whispering my worst insecurities.
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I wake up a bit before dawn. Darryl is shuffling in his sleeping bag, he’ll probably be waking up soon. I take a few minutes to just lie in the warm comfort of the bag, before unzipping and stepping out of the bag. The morning dew is just beginning to settle on the grass as the sun washes over the forest. I sigh, looking out at the other tent across from us, where Felix and Ethan sleep. I sit on the bench, looking over at the magnolia tree across from me.
It has white flowers speckled throughout, and big, thick green leaves. It’s a beautiful sight, especially painted in this light. My admiration of the tree is cut short when I see one of the flowers start pulsing, petals bending in and out. Streaks of light go out across the ground and towards me, stopping at my feet. I get up, stumbling away from the tree, before it begins to speak. It's in cold whispers on the wind, goosebumps raised on my shoulders, vibrations that rumble my entire body.
“Carrey, have you ever felt alive?”
It says to me, calling from the tree in an almost hypnotic tone. I get up from the bench, walking towards the tree timidly, the cold wind raising the hair on my shoulders as I get closer to the tree. “Sometimes I feel happy.” I say hoarsely, scared that I’m whispering to nothing, but even more scared that it might respond to me. The flower pulses again, compelling me closer to it as it speaks.
“When are you happy, Carrey?”
It says again in that deeply unsettling voice, rumbling and deep. I gulp, looking around the campsite to make sure that nobody is awake with me. I whisper to the flower again, more confident in my speech, but still quivering.”When I’m with my friends.” I say, staring into the center of the flower as it curls inward and outward.
“All of your friends make you happy, Carrey?” It says to me again. It wants me to admit something. It’s like interrogating a child about a lie, it’s trying to make me admit something about myself. Something that I’ve repressed and kept hidden for almost my entire life, something buried down deep inside me which I’ve ignored every chance I’d gotten. I bite my lip with guilt. Blood drips down my chin slowly as I try and find the words to say what I need to say.
“Darryl makes me happy.”
I say with a shuddering breath, exhaling a breath. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, a weight that I’ve been carrying around for years without even realizing it. The flower pulses again, light yellow pollen drifts out and lands on my lip and chin. I feel my bite wound sealing up, the blood cleaning itself off.
“I can help you, Carrey. I can help you feel more.”
The flower says to me. I blink, looking down at it and touching my lip, where I have been healed. I gulp.
“Like what?”
That’s when I feel a phantasmal hand touch mine. I can’t see it, I can just feel the weight of something vaguely hand shaped there. “You’re afraid that if you do something, you’ll be hurt, or you’ll be in trouble. But Carrey, with me, nothing can hurt you. You won’t have to feel hollow anymore, Carrey, you can make up for these 17 years that you have lost being nothing but a mindless slave to the words of a man who might not have even existed, Carrey. All you have to do is pick my flower.”
That’s what they say to me before Darryl comes out of the tent. Of course I picked the flower.
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I pull myself to shore, climbing through the mushy mud and the bug filled roots of trees, gasping for air. I’m not looking back at that kayak, I don’t care if he’s okay or not, I’m not looking back at that kayak. I stand up, legs covered in scrapes and mud, panting. I’m covered in filth and could’ve drowned just a second ago but I feel… Good. I feel so unimaginably good that I shout into the open, uncaring sky with my glee, throwing my scratched arms into the air and dancing. My limbs move almost independent of one another in this liberating moment. I let myself finally just feel the world for once, just let my body move, just let the air sink into my skin, to just exist for once. I let feelings guide me as I hop and leap over roots, the earth bending at my every step.
Eventually, after a good while of traveling like this, my back hits a tree, its ridged bark slamming into my back. I look up at the canopy of tree branches above me, dew drops from early this morning fall and land on my forehead. I feel the water slowly streak down my face- and then? I cry. I cry, unobstructed in these woods. I cry, not just because I’ve ruined my relationship with my best friend, but also because I can cry. So I sob in these horrible, marshy woods, my tears sinking into the mud. And, I feel so free. I feel more freedom than ever before. I feel good too, even though crying is a result of my sadness I feel amazing.
I eventually stop crying. I don’t suck them up or wipe my face, I let my emotions run its course through me, and then I continue, only when I want to. Because from now, nothing will happen to me. I’m taking my life into my own hands. So, I stumble through the forest as it begins to sprinkle, a mild amount of rain. The ground is slippery, and I fall a few times, and I trip and I hurt myself but I am fine. It may bruise or cut me but I am alive, and I will relish in it.
But deep down, I feel hollow still. These liberating experiences give me a momentary sense of fulfillment, but what happened between me and Darryl… The way that things resolved I just, I still feel an emptiness, aching in my stomach. If I want to move on, become a new Carrey, a Carrey that truly experiences things, I have to resolve that. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe everything doesn’t have to be wrapped up in a perfect little bow, maybe I can just leave and let myself feel yearning and emptiness, and then I could eventually learn to move on from it, to carry on with my life.
But I don’t know that right now, because right now I am traipsing through the woods, or I would be. I’m not anxious or scared of the owls hooting outside my view. I'm letting my body do the thinking, just moving. The flowers move at my feet, shifting away from me, clearing my path. The raccoons and squirrels envy my carelessness, scurrying away as I come near. Everywhere my feet touch is mine in that moment, before I uproot, moving to the next spot. My thoughts wander, still aimless, but not lost this time. I am choosing to be lost in a world of thought and daydream, and no word on a page will stop me.
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