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The two years since Sirius’ escape from Azkaban had been hard. He’d had to relearn how to be a human, not a prisoner. He’d had to convince himself that his emotions were okay, that they were valid and that he didn’t have to hide them anymore.
He’d been happy before Azkaban, truly happy. He had Remus, and Lily, and James, and little Harry. He’d had a family .
Then, the inevitable had happened. James and Lily had died, Peter had faked his own death and Sirius had been taken to Azkaban, with no trial, for the murder and betrayal of Lily and James Potter. Not only had he lost James and Lily that night, but he’d lost the love of his life too because Remus would never believe that Sirius was innocent.
Then, he’d escaped. He’d come home. He’d explained himself to Remus and Remus, ever so loyal, had believed him and they worked together to expose Pettigrew as the rat that he was.
Then, he’d been locked up in Grimmauld Place- his nightmare home. He’d escaped one prison to be thrown into another and it broke him- in more ways than one. He was free from Azkaban, but trapped in a mental prison, reliving his harshest memories as he wandered through the empty halls of his childhood home, searching for some kind of light in the endless expanse of darkness, but it never came.
But, then came the hardest thing that he’d had to learn: Remus Lupin didn’t love him anymore because Nymphadora Tonks had stolen his heart.
He hadn’t noticed it at first, he’d been so wrapped up in reuniting with Harry that he’d failed to notice that his one love had moved on. But, then he’d noticed. It was little things, at first, a shoulder squeeze that lingered a second too long. A heated gaze across the table. A comforting hand on a wrist. A palm at the base of a spine. Leading. Touching. Holding.
Once he’d noticed, he couldn’t stop. Every exchange between them was watched with an envious gaze. Every touch, every look psychoanalysed to come to the conclusion that they were in love.
That’s when Sirius broke. The one thing that he’d thought that he could keep, the person that he’d thought would stay by his side, was ripped from him. His rock. His light. His love. His Remus. Taken away in one fell swoop and there was nothing that he could do, but watch him slip through his fingertips and into the arms of another person.
So, Sirius had done what any grown adult would do. He avoided them like the plague. Every order meeting was missed with a half-arsed excuse. Every dinner skipped with a promise from Molly that she would bring him food later. Every day, every night, every single moment spent locked away in his room with only Buckbeak for company. And all for the purpose of keeping what little that he had left of his heart.
It was hard, to begin with, and he spent most of his days as Padfoot. It was easier as a dog, less was expected of him. He didn’t have to carry the weight of his past mistakes, he could simply exist .
But, then, his peaceful equilibrium had been shattered by none other than William Arthur Weasley.
It was during dinner one evening when a soft knock sounded at his door. Padfoot uncurled from his ball and stretched himself out before trotting over to the door, shifting back into human form to open it.
“Bill?” He whispered, staring incredulously at the ginger-haired man standing on the other side of the door, “You’re not Molly.”
Bill laughed and shook his head, “No, I should hope not.” He held up two plates of food, smiling warmly at Sirius, “Can I come in?”
Sirius blinked owlishly at him, staring down at the two plates and back up to Bill’s face, “What?”
He chuckled again, balancing the two plates on one arm to brush his hair out of his eyes, “Can I come in? To eat dinner.”
Sirius recoiled and stepped aside, nodding softly, “Yeah, of course.”
Bill grinned and pushed into the room, plonking himself down cross-legged on the floor, “How are you doing, Sirius?”
He patted the floor in front of him, motioning for Sirius to sit down and beamed when the man lowered himself to the floor, mimicking Bill’s position. He took his plate of food from Bill and balanced it in his lap, carefully digging into the food as he looked over at the younger wizard.
“I’m fine, Bill.” Sirius replied, shoving a forkful of mashed potatoes into his mouth.
Bill rolled his eyes and swallowed his mouthful of venison before speaking, “Now, I know that’s a lie.” He took a deep breath and summoned two glasses from the kitchen alongside a bottle of Ogden’s Finest before pouring them both a glass.
Sirius accepted the tumbler with a soft smile and took a sip, the alcohol burning his throat as it slipped into his stomach, “Yeah, I suppose it is.”
Bill took a sip of his own drink, peering at Sirius over his glass, “It’s Remus and Tonks, right?”
Sirius shuddered and cast his gaze down to the floor as he nodded, “Yeah, it is.”
The ginger-haired wizard made a soft noise, “I figured as much. They started getting cosy and you started getting scarce. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you.”
Sirius arched an eyebrow at him, pursing his lips, “Can you blame me?”
Bill shook his head, chewing around a mouthful of mashed potato, “No, not really. For how long?”
Sirius chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh, “Since Fifth Year.” Bill let out a low whistle and Sirius nodded, “We got together in Sixth Year, got a flat after Hogwarts. We were even talking about marriage at one point- James and Lily had done it, couldn’t we?” A bitter laugh fell from his lips and he shook his head, “But, that’s all over now. Pettigrew saw to that when I got framed for his, James and Lily’s murders.”
Bill made a pained noise, setting his knife and fork down before placing a gentle, comforting hand on Sirius’ knee, “I’m so sorry, Sirius.”
Sirius waved him off with a shake of his head, “It is what it is. If Remus is happy, then so be it. It’ll take me awhile to get used to it, but I only want to see him happy. If that means that he gets with my cousin, then fine. I’ll never stop loving him, I never could, there’s no one else for me. But, to see him loved, even if it isn’t by me, is enough. It’s always enough. If I get to stay in his life, be by his side, even just as a best friend, that’s enough.”
Bill whimpered softly, “You really love him.”
Sirius chuckled and nodded, “I always have, I think, I just didn’t realise what it meant until I was older. My love for Remus was so different to my love from James. It was just learning how it was different. Whilst James was ranting about Lily’s breasts, I was thinking about Moony’s arse.”
The younger wizard snorted and rolled his eyes, “You’re so crude.”
Sirius shrugged, a small smile on his lips, “It’s the truth.”
“What are you going to do?” Bill whispered, fixing Sirius was an expectant look.
Another shrug, “I honestly don’t know. As I said, I’ll need awhile to get used to it, so I’ll probably hide out here for a bit until I’m ready to face them.”
Bill nodded thoughtfully, drawing in a deep breath, “Well, whatever you decide, I’ll be here for you, if you need it.”
Sirius smiled, “Thank you, Bill, I appreciate it.”
They ate the rest of their dinner in comfortable silence, the occasional conversation about order meetings or free time popping up, but, by the time they had finished, Sirius was feeling infinitely better.
“Thank you for this, Bill.” Sirius whispered as he stood to let Bill out of the room, “Most people would have left me to brood.”
Bill shook his head, “I’m not most people.” He stepped over the threshold and turned to face Sirius, “Same time tomorrow?”
“Yeah, if you want.” He flashed Bill a half forced, half real smile before the younger wizard disappeared down the stairs and out of sight.
He closed the door, leaning against the wood for a minute, before pushing off and climbing into his bed, pulling the covers up over his shoulders. He laid there for a few moments, lost in memories of times long since past, before drifting to sleep, dreaming of running through a meadow, four black feet taking the earth at lightspeed. He felt free.
The next morning, a fraction before breakfast, Sirius heard shouting in the hallway at the bottom of his stairs.
“You can’t go in there, Remus!” Bill yelled and Sirius felt a pang of appreciation for the younger wizard- he really wasn’t ready to see the werewolf yet.
“He’s my best friend, Bill, I can go in there if I want.” Remus replied, Sirius could hear the desperation and concern in Remus’ voice and almost felt guilty for hiding away from him. Almost.
“He’s in there for a reason. He doesn’t want to see anyone.” The younger wizard urged, his stubbornness coming out in full force.
“Surely I deserve to know the reason that he’s hiding then?!” There was a sharp intake of breath, “Please, Bill.”
“If you can’t figure it out yourself, then you don’t deserve to know.” Bill muttered darkly, Sirius bit back a laugh and mentally reminded himself to buy Bill a very expensive present as a thank you.
There was a loud bang, followed by an indignant yell, and suddenly, the door to his bedroom flew open, crashing loudly against the wall, and Remus was stood on the threshold, panting softly.
“Sirius.” Bill whispered, “I tried to stop him.”
Sirius shook his head softly, “I heard. But, once Moony gets something in his head, there’s nothing stopping him from getting it done.” He glanced over Remus’ shoulder at Bill and nodded softly, “You can go. I’ve got this.”
Bill frowned, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I wanted to wait to have this conversation, but might as well have it now.” Sirius replied, throwing Bill an encouraging smile.
“Okay, you know where to find me, if you need me.” Bill replied before reluctantly walking away.
Remus stepped into the room and shut the door behind him, waiting until Bill’s footsteps had disappeared before talking, “What’s going on, Sirius? I haven’t seen you in days.”
“Yeah,” Sirius tucked his hands into his pockets and toed at the edges of the rug, steadfastly avoiding Remus’ gaze, “I just needed a few days to myself, to collect my thoughts.”
“Is it an Azkaban thing?” Remus whispered, brow pinched together in worry as he took a step towards Sirius.
“No, it’s something else.” Sirius whispered picking at a loose thread on his housecoat.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, staring around the room with a soft look.
Sirius snorted, feeling a flare of anger in his stomach and shook his head, throwing Buckbeak a treat when the creature lifted his head, “Not with you.”
Remus recoiled, making a wounded noise, “Since when do we not talk to each other?”
The raven-haired man growled, whirling around to face the werewolf, gaze hardened with anger, “Since you decided to nosh it off with my cousin.” He spat, voice dripping with venom.
The werewolf stared at him, blinking owlishly, “What?”
Sirius chuckled bitterly, shaking his head, his tongue pressed into his cheek, “You thought I wouldn’t notice? It’s a bit hard not to when you’re eye-fucking across the table at dinner.”
“That’s not what it is, at all.” Remus replied, shaking his head softly.
“No, it’s not, you’re right, because it’s not casual, is it? You love her.” Sirius questioned, voice small and heart in his throat as he awaited an answer, but he never got one and that, in itself, was an answer.
Sirius shook his head, tugging a hand through his hair, and bit down on his tongue to keep his tears at bay, “That’s what I thought.”
“Sirius-”
He cut him off, “You know the worst part about Azkaban? It wasn’t reliving my worst memories. It wasn’t the manipulation of my happy memories into bad ones. It wasn’t even the fact that I was in there for a crime that I didn’t commit.” Sirius' voice went tight with emotion and he swallowed harshly around the lump in his throat, “What killed me the most was that you, Remus, the love of my life, thought that I was guilty. It was the fact that I had lost you. That’s what tore me apart. That’s what broke me. It was you. It’s always been you, you are my biggest weakness. But, you’re also my biggest strength. Memories of you and of our time together were what kept me sane in that hellhole. I was sane knowing that I’d had you; even if it was for such a short amount of time, you were still mine.”
“Sirius, please.” Remus begged, taking another step towards Sirius, his hands outstretched, reaching for Sirius’.
Sirius shook his head, refraining from grabbing Remus’ hands, “Coming out of Azkaban, seeing that you hadn’t moved on, gave me a spark of hope that we could salvage the relationship that we had. That you could be mine again. But, then, I saw you with her. With Tonks. And, I knew that you weren’t mine anymore, that she had stolen your heart from me right under my own nose. You’d found a new love and there was nothing that I could do to stop it, I just had to stand aside and let it happen because you were happy. I just wanted to see you happy. The fact that I couldn’t be the one to do it broke my heart, but I had to find a way to deal with it. So, I hid to prepare myself for losing you. I’m not okay with it, not right this moment, but I will be one day. I’ll be okay for you because I love you. I love you and I still want to be in your life, even if it’s only as a best friend. Even if I have to watch you marry someone that isn’t me. I’ve had my time with you and I cherish every moment. But, if it’s time for you to move on, then so be it. I’ll let you go because I love you. I’ll only ever love once, you will have my heart for an eternity, but I know that I can’t expect you to do the same and that’s okay. If you’re happy, I’m happy. I just need time to get used to it. I need time to let you go.”
Sirius was crying by the end of his speech, tears dripping down his cheeks and ugly sobs tearing through his chest, making his shoulders shake with their forcefulness, and he realised that Remus was crying too.
“Pads…” He sobbed, “Pads.”
“Moony, I’m sorry.” Sirius cried, “I’m so sorry.”
“I love you.” Remus whispered around his sobs and held his arms open for Sirius, a hopeful look in his eyes. Sirius’ heart swelled with happiness, hearing those three words from Remus’ mouth, and staggered into Remus’ arms, melting into his embrace.
Remus lowered them onto the floor, cradling Sirius’ head against his chest, and buried his head into his hair, breathing in his scent, letting it wash over him in waves. He pulled the other man impossibly closer, groaning at the glorious smells that engulfed him, and rubbed his cheek against Sirius’ head, mixing their scents together.
The wolf purred happily, happy to have its mate close again and smelling like them, and Remus found himself agreeing with it.
“I can’t love anyone but you .” Remus whispered, pressing a kiss into Sirius’ hair, “You’ve got the wrong idea about Tonks; I love her, yes, like a sister. I hated you for such a long time, but even then I never stopped loving you. You were still my Sirius. You were still the love of my life, you were still my mate . Sirius, werewolves love once and fiercely. I could never physically love anyone as much as I love you. I could have a companion, of course, but never another mate. I don’t want you to let me go, I want you to hold me tight- tighter than you ever have because I cannot lose you. I need you more than anything. Always and forever. I will never stop needing you or loving you. You’re my mate, my Padfoot, my Sirius.”
“My Moony.” Sirius whispered, rubbing his cheek against Remus’ chest, hands curling into fists around the fabric of Remus’ jumper, “I love you. I’m so sorry. I never should have doubted you.”
Remus shook his head, pressing another kiss into his hair, ”No, I’ve neglected you a lot recently. You’re still fragile, you’re still recovering and you needed me now more than ever and I just abandoned you because I was so afraid of you not wanting me anymore. The wolf and I couldn’t handle it if we lost you again, so I waited. I let you recover and gave you space. But, that was such a bad idea. You needed me and I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re here now. I love you. I’m sorry for not coming to you. I’m sorry for not reaching out to you. I’m sorry for hiding. I’m sorry for thinking that you were leaving me for Tonks. I will never not want you. ” Sirius whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Remus’ chest, “It won’t be easy, not for a little while, I’m still getting used to not being a prisoner anymore and being here doesn’t help. But, I’m recovering and having you here will help me. I want to be better. I want to be worthy of your love and loyalty.”
Remus chuckled, “You’re always worthy.”
“Not to myself.” Sirius replied, “But, that’s something that I’ll work on. I’ll sort through my issues and I’ll be the right man for you.”
“Issues or no issues, I will still love you with all my heart.” Remus tilted Sirius’ head upwards, two fingers pressed under his chin, and smiled softly as he pressed a soft kiss to Sirius’ nose, “I will love you from now until the day I take my last breath and after that.”
Sirius grinned, nuzzling further into Remus’ chest, listening to his heart beat steady against his chest, strong and unwavering, like his love, “Until the day I take my last breath and after that.” He repeated.
No relationship was smooth sailing. There were moments when it seemed like everything was falling apart, like you were fighting a losing battle. But, what matters, what really defines that relationship, is if you’re able to come out the other side, as strong as you’ve ever been.
Sirius and Remus had done that. They’d stared the end of their relationship in the face and told it: not today and not ever.