Work Text:
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth the thing about the straights is,,,, i just dont understand it
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth heterosexuals really are out here being like “oh man it sucks so much that im on lock down for the foreseeable future with the person i married” like EXCUSE U being stuck with my husband for the next few weeks is the BEST THING THAT S EVER HAPPENED TO ME
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth i cant wait to kiss,,,, his face,,,, every morning forever and then kiss him again when he makes me lunch and then kiss him again before i suck his dick uwu
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak Please know I am actually trying to work from home, and am not actually in control or approving of anything @trashmouth tweets about me.
Mike @MikeHanlon @EKaspbrak The timing on this tweet…. Suspicious?
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak @MikeHanlon I can hear him laughing in the living room and I refuse to check on principal.
Mike @MikeHanlon @EKaspbrak Probably for the best.
*
Truth be told, Richie had actually thought a lot about how the world would end.
It’s the sort of cool fun trauma ideas that can always be sure to come up right after he remembers the whole traumatic childhood and adulthood fighting an evil alien clown from space. You know, the normal stuff.
And while Richie’s at least sixty-eight percent sure that the world isn’t ending.
He had really been expecting you down zombies or nuclear warfare, not the real life version of the infamous Pandemic 2 of AddictingGames.Com.
But really as far as things went this wasn’t the worst… Sure his tour was cancelled and there were a lot of angry and sad fans, and his publicist was stressing about all of that and how they would have to reschedule everything if (when) this was all over. And rationally Richie should probably be stressing about that too.
He’s sure he would later.
For right now, he was much more occupied with finally getting the full worth of the thirteen dollars a month that he was spending on Netflix. A task which he was currently doing amazing at. Sure, he hadn’t moved from the couch in the last three hours and Netflix had already dared (and really how dare they ) to ask if he was still watching, but you know, in these troubled times one must take successes where they come.
Which in this case, definitely means determining that - “She totally fed her husband to the tigers, I mean, how else does she know that tigers would eat a person covered in sardine oil, Eds, it just doesn’t make sense.”
Eddie lets out a noncommittal noise.
He’s got his (super sexy) reading glasses on, a macbook balanced on his lap, and a mug of decaffeinated coffee that he keeps repeatedly filling up in one hand. Unlike Richie, Eddie is actually trying to work from home. Because he has a real job that means he can’t just take an infinite free vacation out of this.
Pretty dumb, if Richie did say so himself.
“Eddie, you’d still love me if I tried to feed you to a tiger right?”
Another noncommittal noise.
So much for renewing their passionate love before the world ended.
“What about if I went outside and shook hands with a bunch of strangers and then-”
“Don’t you even fucking think about it,” Eddie says, cutting Richie off and finally, finally , looking up from his laptop.
“I was only joking.”
“I know,” and he does, because Eddie cracks the smallest of smiles, before asking, “How many episodes do you have left?”
“Two more,” Richie replies after checking the Netflix guide.
“Then in two more episodes, I will be more than happy to hear all of your tiger theories, but right now,” Eddie’s eyes flick back down to his computer screen. “I need to get at least two more hours of work in, okay?”
“Fine,” Richie replies, with a teasing pout, “But I hope you know I have a lot of theories, because I think the feds set him up, and we haven’t even touched upon the guy with a sex cult.”
*
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak Today my coworker whined for approximately 45 minutes because we were out of milk and I DARED to suggest Oat Milk as a valid substitute
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH since when did you have a cat lol
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak @MARSH Apparently now I do, and his name is Richie
*
“There’s an art to it,” Eddie explains. Going meticulously slow. The water has been running in their sink for about twenty minutes, which normally would be a cause to complain about wasting water or some nonsense, but instead-
“Have I ever mentioned how hot your hands are,” Richie cuts off Eddie’s hand washing directions. He’s currently sitting on the edge of their bathtub, watching Eddie, paying attention as he was instructed to do.
And it was great.
Super educational.
But there was something about Eddie’s serious business voice that always gets Richie a little hot, and staring at Eddie’s hands just reminds him of how nice and long those fingers are and well…
Who could blame him?
Eddie, predictably, looks scandalized, “You’re not seriously getting turned on right now?”
“Babe, everything you do turns me on, we’re married ,” Richie replies. “You being all domestic and shit, that’s basically foreplay for me.”
“This stay home order is really getting to you, huh?”
“I wish you were getting to me.”
This earns him and eyeroll and a huff of a laugh in reply. “Maybe once you learn to properly wash your hands, I’ll let you put those hands on me.”
Somehow those words are the least and most sexy thing that he has ever heard.
But suddenly, Richie’s standing up and actually moving towards the sink, “Okay, fuck yeah, show me how to do it again.”
*
LOSERS CLUB
RICHIE: aNYONE ELSE LOSING THEIR MIND
RICHIE: like i just ordered a guitar off amazon
RICHIE: im going to learn to play the guitar, this is apparently my new plague hobby
RICHIE: help me
MIKE: I feel like if anyone, we should be helping Eddie
BILL: Anyone remember that year they all tried to force us to learn musical instruments? And Richie was kicked out of the class a week in. Good times.
EDDIE: If the plague doesn’t kill him, I might just do it myself
BEV: rip
BEN: F
BEN: On the other hand, me and Bev are doing great! We’re learning to make sourdough bread and to speak Russian, and we just started a new book club on Zoom!
MIKE: Yay! Book club!
BILL: You know, I was considering starting a podcast?
EDDIE: Please that’s worse than Richie’s guitar idea.
RICHIE: lol Bill maybe you could try to write a decent book idk just an idea
BILL: …..
BEV: SO WHO WANTS TO SEE THE BREAD WE MADE
*
“Did you buy a Switch,” Eddie asks, holding up the box, with his super practical and safety first plastic gloves that he puts on any time they get a new package. “And… Animal Crossing?”
“My followers recommended it,” Richie said, reaching out to grab the box, and tug it open.
“Shouldn’t you be writing or something…?”
He should be.
Probably.
But it’s a bit hard to work with the whole world in lockdown. Suddenly realizing that his only real hobbies was going out to bars or restaurants or other non-essential businesses wasn’t one of the funnest realizations in the world. And the thought of trying to come up with jokes for whenever his next tour might be (2021, maybe? Hopefully?) is getting harder by the day.
“It was this or sing songs on TikTok for all my followers,” Richie says, “And somehow I thought we’d both appreciate this more?”
Eddie nods at a little at that, accepting this as a valid answer.
“I also bought Super Smash Bros, so I can crush your hopes and dreams with the mighty powers of our lord and savior Kirby later.”
*
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth whenever i hear people bitching about the stock market im like fuck you capitalism
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth but then ten minutes later im like here small raccoons here are 400 tarantulas so i can pay off my house loan to the racoon overlord. i love capitalism
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth get a man that can do both
*
They’re both pretending to be asleep.
Something they’ve been doing a lot of lately. Laying there, staring up at the ceiling for hours on end, closing their eyes and pretending that everything is okay and the world isn’t going to shit. Some nights it works better than others.
Tonight is not one of those nights.
Richie waits, untilt the silence gets too much, until he feels Eddie shift in bed next to him for probably the hundredth time, and finally breaks the silence of them both pretending to be asleep - “Baby?”
“We’re probably going to die,” Eddie says. The words coming out so suddenly, as if he had been keeping them in for too long and couldn’t bear to keep them in any longer. “I mean, statistically, how many people in New York and… Fuck.”
His voice cracks. Unable to finish the sentence.
Richie’s known that this was coming for a while, could see how Eddie was holding it all in, so much anxieties and worries, and no matter how many Zoom calls he took with his therapist under the cover of work meetings, he knew it wasn’t enough.
It’s hard for anything to be enough nowadays.
“Hey, no,” Richie says. Shifting, so that he’s spooning Eddie. Holding him until the shaking stops. “I’m not allowing that to happen.”
“Rich-”
“I’ll fight that little grey and red bitch with my bare hands if I have to,” Richie says. Like a promise.
Eddie shifts, turning in his arms, to tuck himself closer to Richie.
“You’re not allowed to do anything dangerous either,” Eddie says, “No licking handrails or any of your usual bullshit, okay, not allowed.”
“I promise,” Richie replies, “I mean, fuck, we survived a fucking murder clown. And I mean statistically, the odds of surviving that are way worse. We’re survivors baby, I’ve got you.”
And he does.
They’ve got each other.
‘Til death do us part, and all that shit.
“Yeah, you’re right, statistically speaking.”
*
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak Just stay the fuck indoors! How hard is it for you people to understand! Stay indoors! Wash your hands! Don’t be idiots! It’s common sense, holy fuck!