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Today is another day for Laxus. His eyes fluttered as he woke up in the sound of birds chirping outside. He stared on his ceiling for a few minutes, and stood up by his bed and started to do his morning rituals.
While he was at it, his mind debated whether he'd visit the guild or not. He feels 'expectedly' uninterested about things that concern going to the guild recently ever since a particular guild mate started being meticulous to a certain someone.
He dares not to admit, but his mind has been in shambles— overanalyzing, overthinking, everything.
What's so wrong about your attention being directed towards someone? What's so wrong about your genuine smiles caused by a man other than him?
Laxus knew he had no right to feel this way, but whatever, he always says... maybe his stares would be enough to give you the message.
Laxus calls this day as a celebration for his birthday alone. That way, he can convince himself he has a valid reason for fleeing the guild today.
His birthday ended just a few days ago and although he's not a man for celebrations, the Thunder God Tribe would always find a way to celebrate another year in his life. And at the end of the day, Gramps would be waiting on his home and together, they drink to end his day.
He enjoyed it, their company.. He does genuinely treasure every celebration he had with them. But there was always something missing that he couldn't comprehend.
Was it his parents? Would it be any different if they're still here, all good in ties, to celebrate another year in his life?
Or was it you? Was it you who used to be there, celebrating with him, on his day?
Laxus didn't want to overthink the emptiness that continues to lie within him. Afterall, he's fond of downplaying his feelings— something which you despise on him.
He decided to go to his mother's grave today since it became a habit whenever his birthday comes up. He had no time to pay a visit because of recent activities, but now he had time on his hand.
Before he went outside, he picked up a certain bracelet and had put them on his pocket. It was a nice and small golden bracelet with a little butterfly shape on the center.
He heads out to the streets but then he stopped on his tracks and looked up to the sky. The blazing sun was too hot, and there were a lot of people walking around despite the hot weather.
Walking through that hell wave wouldn't be a good choice, he thinks. So he makes his way faster, stopping by the flower shop to get some flowers, and head to his destination swiftly like a lightning.
•••
His mother's grave was situated in a windy place. It was quiet around. The only sound to be heard would probably be the wind howling.
And the wind was refreshing, for there were a lot of greenery around— one of which is a certain tree nearby that acts a shade for his mother's grave.
Needless to be said, spending his day here alone whenever his birthday is coming up, or had came up, was how it had always been.
Being here gives him freedom from everything, and he always felt he could share anything that has been burdening him.
Laxus sat in front of his mother's gravestone and let his hands run it. He silently puts the flowers beside, and cracked a little smile, a gentle one.
"Hello, mother." He says. It was like his cold demeanor vanished and just like a child when they're with their mother.
Laxus had always been taken as a strong and independent man. Of course, he's not an S-Class wizard of his guild for nothing. But he's just like any other human.. he would also have times when he's vulnerable— a demeanor no one ever sees but his mother.... and you before things weren’t this way.
He looks up and examines the tree nearby the grave, the tree that acts as a shade for his mother's grave. And he noticed the faint carve on it.
It was Laxus' 7th birthday yesterday. He had celebrated it with his family. Like a child on their birthdays, he also blew a cake and was happy with the gifts he received.
But, nothing brings him happiness like visiting his mother's grave on his birthday. It was different, this was much more comforting.
"Oi, do you want to come with me?" the little boy with his significant yellow hair asked.
The little girl, who was with him and his new found friend, furrowed her eyebrows, "To where?" she asks.
"Hm.." he trails off and suddenly he grabs her wrist without saying anything.
"W-what? Where ar—"
"I'll introduce you to my mother."
The little girl just ran with him although still curious as to why he suddenly became excited like that. He didn't show much, but his eyes screamed excitement.
And what the little girl thought about meeting his mother was not exactly what happened.
"Mother! This is my new friend, (Y/N)!" Laxus beams happily, talking to the gravestone in front of them.
The little girl, with her eyes widened, did not expect it at all.
She read the name and connected the dots, this must really be his mother.
She didn't want him to feel different, or feel pitied, so she flashed out her genuine smile and said, "Hello, Mrs. Dreyar! It's nice to meet you."
Laxus was taken aback by how she took it but he chuckles at her cuteness, "Just call her mother too, I'm sure she'd like that."
"Okay then!"
The two kids decided to stay by for a few more minutes. They sat beside Laxus's mother's grave and Laxus would blurt out different stories, and one of them is how it became a tradition for him to visit his mother when his birthday comes up.
"I do not remember her.. she left before I even had the right consciousness to my surroundings. Yet, it still feels as if I lost a friend... someone I could rely to."
The little girl knew the little Laxus is on the verge of tears. Ofcourse, a mother's presence is always different, their nature is unmatched to those of your other relatives. The comfort they bring to their kids is different to the comfort their father gives.
The atmosphere was getting heavy, and the little girl didn't want his friend to frown. So she took small strides towards the tree nearby and carved something into it.
"What are you doing?" Laxus asks.
The girl carved a line that resembles a lightning and also a shape that resembles a water drop.
It was their elements— Laxus and lightning, while the little girl and water.
"It's a symbol that resembles us. So you would always remember that I'm here when you feel alone."
Laxus was silent, and this time, tears have already escaped his eyes. The little girl smiles and moves beside the crying young Laxus.
She raises her pinky finger up to him and says, "Let's make a pinky promise."
"F-for what?" he says, voice cracked.
"That we'll be each other's best friend!" Laxus smiled and intertwined his pinky finger to her.
Her sweet smile, he could never forget.
The memory clouded Laxus' mind. The carving was still there, although you can only make it out faintly.
He raises his pinky finger to the air and takes a look at it. “A happy memory... " he trails off, "but also a reminder that promises could be broken too."
He could only pull off a bitter smirk to it. After all, it was his fault. He lost a best friend because of his idiocy.
As happy, innocent memories clouded his mind, he just silently sat there. Regret and sadness fulfilled him again. If he only didn't let her go, will he be this hurt? Before he knew it, tears escaped his eyes.
•••
After some time, Laxus stood up as he finally collected himself. He bid his farewell to his mother,and as usual, the comfort it brought was always unmatched. He felt light, as if the heavy burden isn't there anymore.
He heads through the busy streets again. This time, the heat from the sun calmed down so he took this chance to walk silently alone, it would be a good time to stroll and appreciate the nature.
He’s alone with his thoughts again, and unconsciously, his mind started to wander back on the days he left Fairy Tail after starting a big ruckus—the big ruckus that served a great deal of lesson to him, but also a great deal of regret.
The days he spent travelling by himself were full of regrets and sadness. It was suffocating, overbearing, to the point life, to him, felt useless... that if death follows him and approaches him sometime, he'll just choose to stand there and let it take him over.
The hatred was there and had always been there inside him. He hated himself for letting things go, for letting his only true family, and especially the only woman who had been there for him, vanish because of his obsession for power, for recognition.
But even if these thoughts came wandering through his mind— the regret, the hatred, the sadness— a question never left his mind.
Was that selfish of me?
When he just wanted to get recognized for his own, that he is independent, he is he because of himself and not because he is following behind the trails of a man that is known throughout the world?
After what happened back in Tenroujima, Laxus might have found the answer himself.
It was only for a splitting second as everything was happening too fast. When he thought it will be the last moment of his life, he found your eyes that were looking at him before everything went pitch black.
You were the calm he found during that chaos.
Your eyes screamed the wisdom that left his reasoning all along.
You gave him the answer to his question.
Many years have passed and he got Fairy Tail's trust again. The guild knew he changed for good. And you, of course of all people, was the one who believed in him the most.
But even so, whatever was in the past, Laxus decided not to mend it. He felt unworthy to your forgiveness, and he accustomed himself that seeing you growing away from him shall be the punishment to atone for his sins.
And if you try to save what the other does not want to save, will that try be worth it?
You did not think so, and so you let that broken bond out there, not risking anything to save it even if you were ready to risk it all.
"Tell me, tell me the truth.. You always recognized me because I am a Dreyar, aren't I? Not because I am Laxus."
..
"If you don't step out of my way, I'll eliminate even you."
..
"No, whatever we had, that was nothing to me at all. I'll show you I can stand up on my own. Watch me."
The next step to not saving what should have been saved, is to move on.
And you tried a lot of things, including involving yourself into works with the other teams and mostly going alone, but you know, deep inside, that this wasn't the answer.
No matter how hard it is, Laxus is still there—he can't be erased easily. Not when the two of you haven't talked this all out.
He was once a part of your everyday. If someday he leaves, who will fill the everydays he was once a part of? No one, you can't just find anyone to fill the part he always filled.
And that is when the frustration kicks in. Why is it so hard to forget people?
Laxus continued to walk at the streets in silence. When suddenly, amidst the noises of his thoughts, he heard some vendor shouting.
"Buy some bracelet, bracelet for 30 jewels! Bracelet! Buy some bracelet." Laxus stopped at his tracks, as it hit him.
Bracelet...
He went for his pocket and found that the bracelet he brought was still there. He shook his head slightly in annoyance, and went to the opposite direction, heading back to his mother's again.
After a few moments, he left the busy streets and reached the place. Laxus closed his eyes when suddenly he hears a voice that sounds oddly familiar.
He flutters his eyes open, and saw someone sitting by his mother's grave. Due to his dragon slayer abilities, it should be no mistake that the woman should be.... you. It should be you paying a visit to his mother's grave.
He took silent and careful strides, and hid behind a tree. It was your figure sitting beside his mother’s grave.
"I wish he wanted to save what I also wanted to save. But those are all gonna stay as wishes. And I'm sure he's happy without me, if his choice was to ignore my existence, as if I didn't play a role on his life."
Laxus gulped as he listened on what you have to say. A sharp pang of pain hit his heart.
"And I figured, maybe that's why it's hard to forget him. Because I loved him more than I should have."
And that was it. That was his limit. He did not notice, but tears were already rolling on his cheeks.
Who knew that a Laxus Dreyar knows how to cry?
He's starting to contemplate whether this is a good idea, to eavesdrop like this.
Perhaps, it is not. Eavesdropping is already rude itself and what made it worse is the only thing he got on this was a salt... a salt to add on his wounds.
But he stayed, he stayed to listen on your sentiments.
"He is my wish, and it was like I said my wish on a dead star. Before, I thought that dead star I wished on is just like any star— alive, and shining. But this must be the time I wake up, and realize I was wishing on a dead star all along." You stood up, and wiped your eyes, wishing they were not as red as you think they are.
"Thank you for listening as always, mother.” you said and placed the flowers beside the flowers Laxus brought.
Silence engulfed the place, then you spoke again, "Good bye, mother. I have to get going now. It was nice to finally let off the heavy burden I had for so long."
Laxus watched your back as you took careful strides away from his mother's gave.
He caressed the bracelet that he fished from his pockets and approached his mother's grave. He placed it beside the flowers.
Silently, he walked away and headed back home. His mind was full of thoughts, of questions, of answers. He sighed deeply... these thoughts will be the end of him and he just wanted to take a rest.
The familiar feeling of regret have appeared on him again.
Perhaps now this... this is the true punishment he thinks he deserve.
An eternal punishment he must have himself to deal with, forever.