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Jared wakes up from his blissful sleep and feels refreshed, it’s amazing the effect one night of separation from Jensen could be on him and how easily having him back in his arms could shift things. He proceeds to stretch his too-tall-to-be-sharing-such-a small-bed-with-his-lover frame to realize that the object of all his affections that he let go of while changing positions in sleep is actually not resting peacefully on his side of the bed. It’s fine, no need to panic, Jen is probably in the en suite bathroom.
He stands up slowly and start to headway to the bathroom, knocks 3 times but receives no reply. “Jen?! Baby are you in there?” he says out loud but still gets no reply. Of course, his mind goes to the most terrible images known to man, Jen lying in the tub unconscious after he got dizzy and fell and banged his head against it, or maybe the CO fumes were too much and Jensen couldn’t breathe, you may think “how unoriginal?” especially when a writer’s mind can’t conjure up more imaginative thoughts, but seriously, when you’ve watched the person you love most in the world, the person who’s your sun, moon and stars, the one that life would mean absolutely nothing without, suffer from a disease and you not being able to do anything to help, that helplessness works wonder on the mind.
He opens the door with perhaps a lot more force than he should, and let it bang against the wall and reveal an also empty bathroom. Now he’s seriously freaking out and on the verge of hyperventilating, he runs out of the bathroom and the room altogether and goes to find the nurse in attendance, he finds one doing paperwork on the nurses’ desk in the hospital hallway and proceeds to ask her if she knows where have the patient in room 810 went, if they took him for more tests while he was sleeping or something, but she just gives him a confused look and responds that she hasn’t seen him.
That’s when Jared just kinds blacks her out and starts running every which way, searching for his wayward boyfriend, with his hyperactive imagination bringing out the big guns when it comes to conjuring worst possible scenarios. Jen’s condition is really no joke, he gets fatigued and dizzy easily, his blood circulation and pressure are all messed up, he gets cold even when it’s a freaking heat wave outside and sometimes even breathing can be too much work when he’s super tired, the whole 9 yards of congenital heart disease, so one can’t really begrudge him his over protectivity. He searches the floor they’re in, opening every door and asking every member of hospital staff he can find when something catches his eye.
He knows where Jen is, that idiot! He runs to the elevator and goes down to the 6th floor, searches out the children’s ward and starts heading there. When he arrives, he sees Jen sitting next to a little girl with blonde hair pulled up in a pony tail with a pink bow and the rest of the children are piled up next to each other on the adjacent beds to be closer to Jen. He stands by the door and listens in to Jen telling them “ I know you guys are soooo bored and you wanna go back to school and your friends, and to do that you gotta promise me that you’re gonna do everything the doctors tell you and you’re gonna be very, veryyyy good”. The girl next to Jensen then asks him with her angelic voice “But why are you here Mister Jensen? Does it hurt when you try to swallow your food and have to take your tonsils out too?”
Jen just laughs a little and tells her “No, sweetpea, my heart just hurts a little sometimes, and how can I keep all the love I have for everyone in my heart if it hurts? So that is why the doctors are gonna help me make it better.” Jared wipes away a stray tear hearing Jensen explain his illness like that so not to scare her and all the other children, then the girl exclaims “When my mom comes, I can tell her to get you some chocolate Ice cream too, would it help you feel better like it did for me?”
Jensen actually looks choked up for a second, hugs her with the arm already wrapped around her and tells her “aww, thank you honey, you don’t have to I think I feel a whole lot better sitting with all of you here already.”
Suddenly, another little girl shouts “I miss my mom’s spaghetti and they won’t let me have any here” And all kids start laughing, Jen notwithstanding, even when the girl presents him with a pout to rival all pouts. Then Jen addresses her “Well, you and me both sweetheart! My boyfriend makes the best spaghetti and meatballs ever and I really do miss them, but you and me are gonna have some in no time, just be patient. We’re all here together and we’re all gonna be brave and just bear with all the sucky hospital food and being away from home for a little while longer.”
Jared just can’t help foregoing all his worries of not even 5 minutes ago in favor of just marveling at his boyfriend. The only adult he knows who, no matter for how many hours, gives all children his undivided attention, never tires of playing or listening to them, has an endless patience that withstands temper tantrums and prolonged bouts of crying, even when any other adult would have given up, it’s one of the many, MANY, endearing qualities that Jared just can’t help but fall in love with time and time again. Their families have no problem taking advantage of Jen’s uncanny abilities whenever they visit and leave all the babysitting to him, a task Jensen never ever refuses, and Jared knows that his brother Jeff’s wife, Eileen, thank the Gods for. Jensen has always loved kids, which was one of the main reasons why he chose to become a teacher. He teaches English at the Harmony public school in Dallas.
The kids and Jen continue their talking while Jared was occupied with his inner musings, and so he starts opening the door wider and start heading in the direction of where Jen is sitting. He is so preoccupied with the endless ramblings of the children surrounding him and it totally takes him by surprise when Jared leans over to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek, for which Jared receives a resounding “EEEEEWWWWWWWW” from the children and a huge, tired smile from Jen, not too bad of a reaction all the same.
He then addresses his lover quietly “Babe, how could you leave me asleep and just wander off on your own? I was worried sick about you, and you shouldn’t have taken out your IVs, you need those! Why didn’t you wake me up honey?” Jen just gives him his innocent yet shocked expression and says “Jay, I left you a note on the bedside table! Did you not see it?”
Jared frowns at him playfully “Yeah, tell that to the mini panic attack I just had! I looked everywhere for you and couldn’t find you, babe”
Jensen, looking sheepish, says “I’m sorry for scaring you Jay I just felt like taking a walk, stretch my legs a bit, I was going on 2 days cooped up on that bed ever since you brought me and when I woke up I couldn’t handle a minute more lying there, I had to get out”
Jared softens his tone a bit more, goes on his knees in front of Jensen and puts his hand on his knee, caressing it gently and says “I know sweetheart, believe me I know, just tell me next time and I will be happy to go with you to make sure you’re safe and you don’t tire yourself too much, which by the look of you I can see that this trip has already took a lot more of you than you would care to admit”
Jen puts on a brave face and says “Yeah, but it was worth it, sitting with them.” Then he looks at them all lovingly, with a calm smile gracing his lips.
Jared is then torn, between letting Jensen enjoy this for a little while and the dark bags under his eyes and the way his shoulders keep sagging more and more by the minute, he’s gotta make a tough call. With all the recent complications that led to Jensen claiming top spot on the heart transplant’s list, Jared would take on the role of being the bad guy as long as Jensen is looked after.
Reaching a decision, he finally says “Okay babe, how about we go back to your room and I could steal you all the green colored Jell-O I can find and then we would eat them together and just chill for a while, and I’ll bring you by later, cross my heart.”
Jen just looks at him, launching a full attack with a puppy dog eyes look that only rivals that of Jared when he really sets his mind on something and says “Do we have to? I’m not even that tired yet and we can eat the green Jell-o now that you’re here.” He then seals the deal with a perfect pout that Jared would love to devour in a kiss, but he can’t really promise that it would be all that PG. Jared can’t acquiesce now so he sets his foot down in a last line of defense “You need to lie in bed for a while sweetheart, get some strength, have I ever lied to you? I promised we will come back and I meant it, I wouldn’t dream of robbing you from your biggest fans now would I? Besides, you left the room before you got your vitals checked by the nurse and before the doctor came by to check on you which could be any minute now, so please, for me?”
Jen knows that Jared doesn’t kid around when it comes to his health, so he gives him a defeated, belligerent look and proceeds to say goodbye to the children and hugging them before they finally leave the ward.
Jared then takes Jensen’s hand with his other hand holding Jen’s waist and proceeds to escort him back to his room. Jen makes a valiant effort to go the length walking on both feet but when it becomes apparent that it’s taking way too much energy than Jared is comfortable with, he bends down with a hand supporting Jen’s back and the other under his knees and he lifts him up in a bridal carry. Jen graces him with this gentle look, saying “I can walk by the way, I’m not that much of an invalid, it’s good for me to walk and get some exercise” for which Jared’s reply is always “You love it when I carry you, don’t even act otherwise! and you’ve had enough exercise for now, later we can walk some more sweetheart” and then kisses his temple and tucks his head on his shoulder so he’d be more comfortable and benefit from Jared’s core heat to warm up his chilled body a bit till they get to his room.
When they finally reach it, Jared takes utmost care in lying Jen gently on the bed, taking the time to tuck him in carefully and then starts to caress his hair gently, sitting next to him and just content in looking at those soulful green eyes of his. Jen looks at him all lovingly and says “What did I do to deserve you?”
Jared’s heart bursts with so much love than he knows what to do with and says “Well, you’re you and you deserve the world, and if that so happens to include me then I just have to thank my lucky stars every day and do my damnedest to make sure you’re loved and cherished till the day I die” Jen then takes his hand in his, kisses his knuckles gently and says “I love you so much, in this life and the next, and I will never stop loving you, and I can’t thank you enough for all that you do for me. If I die now, or later or in a hundred years, I want you to know that I died happy and that I wouldn’t change a thing okay? Promise me that you’ll remember this”
“That bastard” Jared thinks, trying to wipe the sudden onslaught of tears with the hand Jensen is not holding and says “Don’t talk like that honey, please, I can’t bear it, please think happy thoughts, we’ve been through so much for me to lose you now! We’re gonna get through this, and I’m gonna propose to you in the way you deserve, in a grand way that would make that would put an eternal blush on those cheeks of yours and then we’re gonna have the kids you’ve always dreamed of Jen, and we’re gonna grow old together. You can’t leave me now you idiot, I’ve got way more spaghetti and meatballs to make for you!” Jen just laughs gently, and wipes off Jared’s tears from his face and says “I know all that, and I plan on having that with you, and I will fight my hardest to make sure I repay you for all what you’ve done for me just by being here, but you have to promise me now Jay, that you’ll be okay if I’m gone. Please.”
Jared then exclaims heatedly, “I can’t promise you that Jen, because I can’t bear it that you’re thinking like that, we are going to find you that heart and you are going to be better, there’s not a doubt in my mind, you just have to believe it too, sweetheart. Think good thoughts.”
Jared then does a childish thing, but it’s the only thing he thinks of doing to stop that conversation right here “I’m gonna go get you your breakfast and as many green Jell-os as I can find like I promised and to find you a nurse to reattach your IVs and check on you. Don’t go anywhere this time huh? I can’t go through that again in one day”
Jen just gives him a serene, all knowing smile. The one that says “I know you’re evading and I’ll humor you but we’ll talk about it and there is nothing you can do or say that would stop me” and Jay just ignores it and goes to find what he promised.
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Jared all but runs from the room, breathing a sigh of relief, Jen saying those things hit him harder than he knows how to express it in words. No one knows how hard this all has been on Jensen, he’s lived it with him after all. They haven’t left each other’s sides since high school; their history is so abundant; they’ve shared a million experiences and conversations together. But he also knows that Jen’s strength is overflowing, it fills up everyone around him. He basically takes care of the entire family, of Jared himself. Helped him come to terms with his illness and to deal with it for both their benefit. If Jared takes such good care of Jensen is because Jensen takes care of him ALL THE TIME, regardless of what he thinks, he never stops.
And what Jared needs now, more than anything, is for Jen to put all the energy and fight in him into getting through the waiting time and the heart surgery, he doesn’t need to prepare Jared for any other life where that doesn’t happen because Jared just does not accept it. There is no life without Jensen, period! It’s unfathomable, unimaginable!
“There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you” his heart exclaims with all its might.
He shakes off these internal musings and goes to the nurse to explain to her that he found Jen and that she should go reattach his IVs and check on his vitals and to ask the kitchen to bring him his breakfast asap. He then takes a few minutes to get some coffee before he heads back to Jen’s room.
When he finally finds his way back there, he opens the door to Jen getting his blood pressure taken “How’s he today, Janice?”
Janice is a red haired, 50 or so years old woman who’s got an air of motherly kindness that can’t be denied. Jared is glad that she’s the nurse that takes care of Jensen and he trusted her from the word go.
She looks at him from behind her glasses, clad with a smile filled with charm and says “Good morning Jay, you came just at the right time! I was about to bite his head off over what he did this morning. His blood pressure is higher than we’d like and I had to hook him up to some oxygen to help him breathe so as not to put his heart under further strain than it needs to be”
Jared frowns at that, looks at Jen and sees an inherently miserable look on his face, he goes to stand by his side, lending a hand of comfort on his shoulder as Jen starts to stubbornly defends himself “C’mon Janice, I hardly did anything! I just went down a floor and sat with the kids for a while, isn’t exercise supposed to be good?”
Janice gives him an incredulous look and says “Jen, you’re here waiting for a new heart kiddo, if exercise could do anything to yours, you wouldn’t be in need of a new one to begin with. Now, please no more stunts like that, you could catch an infection and where would that leave us?”
Jared looks chastised himself! How could he forget that Jen’s currently on immunosuppressants that really limit his natural immunity, reducing it to non-existent! Jen could’ve caught pneumonia from one of the kids and…. Oh my God!
Jared can’t see himself, but he’d bet all that he has that he’s lost all the color in his face, his mind going haywire with worst case scenarios. It’s Jen’s voice that breaks the fog when he says, addressing Janice “A simple walk wouldn’t kill me, Jan. I’m okay, the old ticker still got a few kicks left”
Janice looks for Jared instead of honoring that with an answer and says “Please keep an eye on him and help him understand that he needs to stay put for now, we’re in the last haul now and I am only asking that he cooperates and REST!” Then she leaves them alone again.
Jen, for lack of a better word, EXPLODES, his face turns all red that Jay is sure if Janice comes back to take his blood pressure now she’ll find it racing, then starts to heatedly say “I am so sick of this! Against what you might believe, I am not a CHILD! I didn’t even do anything! Just a couple of steps that’s fucking ALL! Why do I keep saying that but no one is hearing me! It’s that stupid fucking broken body that won’t let me do anything; I am Done! I am just Done! I’m not gonna eat any of this stupid hospital food or sit on my ass doing nothing any longer! I want out Jay. If these end up being my last days on earth I won’t spend them here listening to all this crap or taking shit from anyone!”
Jared rushes to sit next to him with his back against the bed’s headboard and start to take him into his lap, mindful of all the IVs and electrodes Jen is hooked to, and hug him tight, whispering soothing words into his ear and rocking him to help calm him down and to stop the annoying shrill cries of all the machinery. Jared can literally feel his heart break when he feels the wetness on his t-shirt. Jen is crying! Those eyes should only show laughing crinkles and not be crying. Jay continues his litany of comforting words.
Jen forces his way out of Jared’s hold and goes on saying “No Jay, I mean it. Just take me home please”
Jared looks him in the eyes and says “I can’t Jen, you need to be kept on a 24 – hour watch for your safety and I can’t trust even myself with that, we need to stay and you know that. Please baby, I know it’s hard but your operation is SO CLOSE. Just hold on for a bit more love, please. This’ll all soon be over”
Jen just scrunches up his face in anger, an expression that Jared would find adorable in any other day or if they were having any other couple’s fight, and then exclaims “Jay, you’re not listening to me, I’m not staying here, I’ll drag myself away if I have to, so you either help me or you don’t, but either way I’m leaving”
The monitors start their screeching again, and Jared finds that the safest option is capitulation, for Jen’s sake. “Alright, alright! I’ll talk to your doctor and see if I can sign you out and we’ll be back before the surgery. But you have to listen to all that I tell you or ask you to do okay?”
Jen calms down and agrees. And Jay then prepares himself for a fight with the doctors.