Work Text:
Before NEO ZONE was officially released, things happened, and sometimes, it wasn't as cheerful as the fans saw on screen.
It's been days when we were busy recording and shooting. Seeing each other not for work had been so rare at moments like that.
And among those days, one night, I had a nightmare. An awful nightmare.
If a crash between a container truck and a bus full of passengers was not bad enough, add it with this: you could only see the arm of your beloved one between those amorphous vast vehicles. The container truck was upside down, and the bus was already out from its track. Meanwhile, your beloved one was squeezed in between those giants. You could only see his arm yet you still knew that it was him. You recognised him immediately from the gray coloured jacket you gave him to protect him from the cold. At the same time, you didn’t want to see the rest of his body’s condition, yet you needed to know whether he could hug you back.
If I could laugh, I would laugh right then and there. Why could I still use that word? ‘Protect’? What a gray jacket could do to a body among fragments of shattered glass? What could a cloth do to a wounded body between huge machines? If only that jacket was made by angels’ hands, I didn’t have to kneel at the side of the road like this. I didn’t have to cover my mouth and cried like this. I didn’t have to shriek hysterically like I’ve been possessed.
I was really grateful to the point I wanted to stop being an atheist when I opened my eyes that morning. I looked at my room ceiling. I wasn’t at the side of the road. I was lying down, not kneeling. I admit I cried, but I didn’t scream for his name from fear of losing him. I was alone, in my room, not surrounded by many people who held my shoulder and told me to stay strong and to keep it together.
Like I could stay strong if it wasn’t a dream anyway…
I moved my arm and wiped the cold sweat from my forehead. I moved my body and tried to turn around on my bed. I hugged my pillow as it was the first thing I found there. If only he was the first one I found, I would definitely hug him instead. I would call Taeyong and tell him that Jae and I would take a break for today. For this day only.
I bit my lip. The pain kind of succeeded in making me aware that I was no longer inside my nightmare. It was just a dream and it won’t come true. Here I was still trying to tell myself that it wasn’t some kind of sign about something else. I could still feel my heart was still pounding inside my chest and I’ve never liked that.
There were so many things that made me won’t return to my sleep. I could still sleep for another hour but I didn’t want to see that nightmare again. If only I could ask for a dream, I would pay to see flowers and butterflies in my next dream to cure my current paranoia. But of course I couldn’t do that. What if I go to sleep after this, the truck and the bus collide again? What if it’s different but I would still see another nightmare? What if I see him hurt in my next dream? What if—
“Damn it…”
I couldn’t hold the curse back. I couldn’t focus my eyes toward anything right now. I could still feel the tears. It was still fresh. I turned around, and found my phone in the drawer right beside my bed.
I sat on my bed to hurriedly take my phone. I found his name at the top of the outgoing call list. At a time like this, listening to his voice would definitely make me calmer. I almost tapped his name and called him until…
[06:09…]
I stared at the tiny clock at the top part of my phone screen. It’s early, I know. But our schedules had been really hectic these past few days. “He’s still in the studio right now…” I whispered to myself.
I held myself. I didn’t call him. Last night he stayed at the studio to finish the recordings. I could send him a chat-message instead and he would reply to me later. I couldn’t stay calm until I could get a proper reply from him. And so I chatted...
Me : Hey, there, Jaes. You good there?
*
[12:13…]
Jaes.: I’m done with the recording for the Day Dream…
I didn’t expect it would take this long, but the reply made me smile nonetheless. I know sometimes I even forgot to text back. But at a time like this, I really need replies from him. I’ve been waiting for six hours and I got the chat-message I’ve been expecting. I immediately replied.
Me: How was it? Jae, take a rest, ‘kay?
Me : I’m sorry if my chat disturbed you earlier this morning. I was worried.
Me : We haven’t talked to each other for two days. And I had a nightmare last night. I was so scared…
I sounded like a teenager with those words. But I didn’t care. I told him how exactly I was feeling. I was just trying to be honest. We’ve been together for some time, I’ve been texting him with way more embarrassing words, and he was already used to receiving chat-messages like that from me. This one won’t make him mad…
…would it?
*
[17:59…]
Jaes.: What nightmare?
I gaped at the screen. If he didn’t get mad at me for sending that kind of chat-message, why did he need this long to reply? And… was that it? Was that the only thing he wanted to say to me? I was scared and worried, and there he didn’t say anything other than—
What the heck…
Me: Jae? Yoonoh? Is there something disturbing you? Please take a rest if it’s that tiring, ‘kay?
*
[18:52…]
I almost gave up. I didn’t get any reply from him. I sent another chat-message, telling him the nightmare I saw. Then, I sent another chat-message, asking him whether I could call him or not.
Jaes.: Yeah.
I clicked my tongue. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself down. Heaving a sigh, I called him. “Jae?” I asked after he answered my call. “Have you done with your parts for the recording?”
He sighed. “No…”
He’s still in the studio. “Have you eaten?”
“Nope…”
“I’ll bring you dinner, ‘kay?”
“No need. Jungwoo and I will look for dinner outside. We’re taking a break from the studio for a while.”
Jungwoo…
“The nightmare I had last night scared me, Jae. Be careful on your way there with Jungwoo, ‘kay?”
“We’ll be alright. Oh, by the way, Jungwoo will finish his recording tonight. I’ll be staying at the studio again.”
I looked at my phone screen before I tucked it back to my ear. I couldn’t believe it. I was worried about him, and there he was accompanying our other friend at the studio. It seemed like he won’t tell me anything if only I didn’t ask him. How sweet.
But… at least he still told me what he was doing. Moreover, if Jungwoo was already done with his part tomorrow, it’ll be my part next. If Jae was going to stay at the studio, I could see him there tomorrow.
“Will talk to you later. Jungwoo is waiting for me.”
“Jae—”
He hung up.
+*+*+
[12:05…]
The next day, the moment I stepped into our studio, Jungwoo – and of course the other staff – was the only one I saw there. “Hey, Guys!” I tried to be cheerful.
Jungwoo turned his head and smiled at me. “Hey, Hyung!”
“You’re alone?” I asked, taking a seat beside him on the studio’s sofa.
“Yup.”
“Jaehyun?” Well, we still need to be professional when we’re at work. Studio is our working place. Our nicknames are our working names. So no real names were used when we’re in the studio.
“He left. He said that he went for lunch.”
There was a lump suddenly in my throat. “You’re not going with him?”
“He left when I was still finishing my part for the recording.”
“I see…” I fell silent for a moment. “So, how was it? The recording I mean…”
Jungwoo smiled at me. He gestured that ‘OK’ sign. “Succeed. It’ll be your turn after this. Good luck, Hyung,” he said as he tapped my shoulder.
I was expecting the same words and same gestures from another person. I was expecting to hear those words from Jae first, but here I got it from Jungwoo instead.
Oh, well…
“Thanks,” I – tried to – smiled back.
*
[14:15…]
At this hour, he should be back at the studio already but I haven’t seen him. I called him but he didn’t pick up his phone. He wasn’t answering me. Moreover, it was Jungwoo who told me that “our beloved Jaehyun” sent me his regards.
Why must he ask Jungwoo to do that? Why must he ask ANYONE in the first place? Why won’t he say it directly to my face? I thought that he hasn’t get senile. I thought he remembered that he had something called a ‘phone’. I bet he remembered that I had that device too. I thought that one chat-message from him wouldn't disturb my current recording process.
I thought that one direct word to me won’t hurt…
*
[16:37…]
I've finished my part for a few songs. We still needed mastering for it, of course. But at least, I could go back to the dorm for today.
Yes, dorm. There was nothing I could do here anymore. Jaehyun didn’t return to the studio, and Jungwoo – again – was the one who told me that Jaehyun was already at the dorm, safe and sound.
I heaved a sigh. Shouldn’t I be grateful right now? I should be happy to know that he was safe in our dorm. He wasn’t hurt, he wasn’t wounded. For short, there was no problem. But I was wondering whether he was thinking about me or not. After I saw the nightmare, with our kinds of schedules, I haven’t even seen him again. I was still worried. So, very, worried.
It’s been three days. Four days ago, we met in a meeting for several songs that we will put into the new album. The meeting was not in a pretty good atmosphere actually. Doyoung and Jungwoo argued about the songs, the concepts and all. The side-effect reached through us all.
It’s just…
I didn’t expect that it would influence him to this extent. I know about Jungwoo being his roommate at the dorm. But knowing that Doyoung annoyed him this much just because one of our vocalists-line didn’t share a similar understanding with Jungwoo about some of our songs… it made me think about something else.
Was it true that their relationship was just about months of being roommates?
Or…
I shook my head. No, I can't see him at the dorm now. Not like this...
*
[21:29…]
I was checking my own playlist in my phone in my room when a notification popped. There was a chat-message. I read Jae’s name on the screen. I sighed.
It didn’t make me smile even after I knew that the chat-message was from him. My attention to him these past four days didn’t even seem to have any weight on him. He didn’t even let me know what’s gotten into him in the past four days.
OK. We’re together, as band-mates and as something else. But it didn’t mean I could instantly understand what was happening to him like I could understand my own self. I even still can’t understand myself sometimes. I still couldn’t understand some things about him, just like now; but I keep trying. I’ve asked him, I’ve called him, and I forgot any other thing I’ve done to know anything. And what I got after that? Resenting short replies.
Was it even my fault if I felt that he’s being unfair?
I was pretty sure that the questions I’ve asked him were not the rhetoric ones. I need answers, of course, but he didn’t give me what I needed.
Now, what was he going to say from this chat-message?
Jaes.: How was it?
How was what? What was he talking about?
Ah… the recording?
Me: It still needs mastering.
Jaes.: That’s ok. I know you can do it.
Me: Well, it’ll need more time to be done.
Jaes.: It’ll be Taeil-hyung’s turn after this, right?
Jaes : After that, we can do all the mastering.
Me: I know.
OK. He got what he wanted. He sent chat-messages, I replied to him. All of it. I did to him like I wanted him to do to me. I don’t know whether he did that because he really wanted to, or was it because formality, or whatever, I don’t know. I just didn’t find it intriguing anymore.
There. There was no more chat-message. He was still like that. If I sent several chat-messages without any questions in it, he would stop. I was feeling like if I didn’t ask anything, then he won’t provide anything to answer. When he’s in a bad mood -- is he now? -- he won’t start any conversation. He rarely asked me anything in return. Moreover, if he was in his current condition, though I asked something, he still wouldn't answer it.
Maybe because I was often late in replying to chats too? Maybe he wanted me to feel what he felt when I even forgot to text back? But when things got urgent around us, I’ve always made sure I always texted back, and replied to all the chats. Working or not working. For other members or to him personally. And moreover I was really worried since I had that nightmare.
Well, there were times that I wasn’t one of his priorities anyway…
So, where can I run to now?
I closed the chat, and stared at the application icons on my phone. My gaze stopped at the orangy-pink camera icon. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just needed something to occupy my mind. I just needed something that could make me forget about this problem for a while.
But, duh… It’s too quiet… songs won’t hurt…
Yeah… songs…
*
[23:28…]
「 …nuneul gamado boyeo
gwireul magado deullyeo
neoreul tteoollil ttaemyeon
du son dachi anneun
dareun gongganirado
neoreul neukkil su isseo… 」
Why must it be this song right now? Why should it be this song?
Ah, damn it… I didn’t realise that turning the ‘shuffling’ mode on would be a very bad idea. And I was too lazy to change it when this song was played. This was not the right time to listen to this song, but…
I listened to it anyway…
「 …neol dashi bol su isseulkka
gin yeohaenge kkeuten
Want to be together
Oh, urin gateun shigan
dareun gonggan sok
dwiteullin i unmyeong… 」
My tears flowed. It’s not like we’re in a different part of the world, or we had different time zones. But, it felt like it. This situation made me feel like we’re hours apart. I didn’t know that listening to this song could make it really hard for me to breath. What I hate most in this kind of situation was, I tried to wipe my tears away but it won’t stop. It just won’t stop. I hate it…
I hate it…
I hated it to the point I tapped his account in that application with an orangy-pink camera icon.
I chuckled. I was laughing at myself.
I remember I created my account at the same time with Johnny and him. And here I was gazing at his account which didn’t follow anyone back. I couldn’t bear with it once, yet here I was reading the virtual buttons on the screen…
Posts… followers… Your story …
I snorted. What the heck…
…Don’t worry, Love. I rarely demanded anything, didn’t I? Well, you do know how stubborn I could be, don’t you? When I have a wish, I can make you—…
I didn’t get the chance to finish typing those words when a notification popped up on my phone. A new chat-message appeared. I read his name again. I bit my lip. I didn’t know what he would say at this moment. I tapped the notification, and I read his chat-message.
Jaes.: Gomen ne… hontou ni…*)
I giggled when new tears streamed on my cheek. He even said that using my language.
Did he just apologise? Did he regret it? But… What made him suddenly apologise? I mean, after this long…
Jaes.: I’ve been ignoring you these past few days, right? I’m sorry, Yuu…
Me: I’m alone here, Jae…
Me: And before you can say anything stupid, don’t talk about Mark,
Jaes.: I know… I’m sorry…
Me: Can I call you?
Jaes.: No…
What? But then, without letting me think of why he still didn’t let me hear his voice, not longer than four seconds after that, I heard someone knock on my door. Ah, it might be Taeil-hyung. This is his room too anyway. He’s really good, isn’t he? He finished recording his parts THIS fast.
"It's unlocked, Hyung!" I informed him.
But he didn't open the door. And so I wiped my tears as I stood from my bed, and walked to the door. I opened it, and…
“Jae?” I blinked. It’s him. My Jaehyun was the one who stood before me. “You came here while chatting with me?”
“H… hi…” he scratched his head. He nodded at me, but he didn’t stare right into my eyes. He looked at the wall beside my head, and that’s when I saw his ear… red. “Yuta…” he called again.
I sealed my lips tight. Let me be hyperbolic please? I forgot when was the last time he called my name that way. “Yes, Jae…” I smiled. Finally. “Come in.” I widened my door and stepped aside, giving space for him to enter my room.
He took two steps in and after he eventually went inside, I closed the door. Before I could even turn around to face him, he hugged me from behind. I gasped, but he just circled his arms around my waist. “J… Jae…” I didn’t expect I would stutter, but what can I do? He leaned on me. He put his chin on my right shoulder. As if it wasn’t enough, he pressed his cheek to my neck. I could feel - and heard - him inhaling. “Jae…”
“You really do love anything with soft flowery aroma, don’t you?” He nuzzled my hair.
“Jae, please…” I bit my lip.
“That made me realize… I actually missed you…”
There he got me.
“I’m sorry…” he said again.
I smiled. Closing my eyes, it’s my turn to lean to him. I held his arms around my waist. “I know…” I said.
“I don’t know, Yuu…” He tightened his hold and hid his face to my shoulder. I could hear his voice muffled, and felt his lips moving on my shoulder. “Things have been difficult these past few days… but instead of telling you that, I hide it all from you…”
Found out that I was not the only one who’s dealing with problems. Of course. I should have realised it from the start. But there, I was thinking about something I shouldn’t. I even involved Jungwoo in this problem… in Jae’s and MY problems…
“I’m sorry too, Jae. I was being a nuisance…”
“No, you’re not. It’s just… we’re both tired about these recording things, the shootings, the deadlines and all…”
“I guess we were…” I smiled.
“I’m glad I dare myself to see you right now.”
“And why was that?” I smiled.
“I don’t know. Your chats. They have tones,” he said and I giggled. “Your chat screams ‘I’m angry!’ at me.”
I smiled. “Glad you heard them? I guess?”
He loosened his arms only to turn me around, and embraced me, again. Our forehead touched. “I promise, I’ll chase those nightmares away…” he said, making me chuckle. He smiled as he closed his eyes.
Now, facing him like this, I could actually see the tiredness under his eyes, the exhaustion that appeared when he frowned even just a little, and the weariness on his strong jaw. I caressed it. “What did you have for dinner?” I asked him.
“Sandwich.”
“No way,” I chuckled.
“Yes way,” he pulled me even closer if that’s even possible. “I didn’t have any appetite when I realised I didn’t have you there, accompanying me while I ate.”
“You’re being cheesy!” I said 'cheesy' in English like he taught me once, as I slapped his arm. His muscular arm.
“Blame it on the cheese I had too much in my sandwich two hours ago.”
“Jae!”
“Now tell me…” he said suddenly. “What were you doing before I came here?” And I think he watched as I stared at the phone - that I didn’t notice I still brought it with me - in my hand because he said, “Beside chatting with me, of course.”
I giggled. I know I don’t have to post whatever thoughts I wanted to post earlier.
“Thinking about you…” I answered instead.
We both chuckled at my ridiculous remark.
Yes, ridiculous. But not really. Well, I don’t care. I was really doing that for these past three days. I’ve been thinking about him, and I overthink things to the point it came back at me in a form of an awful nightmare and it kept nagging me.
Not until I could hear him laugh though…
Now I realized. The awful nightmare I saw several days ago was not about him physically. It’s about him being between work and me. He stood between his other friends and me alone. He knew I was screaming for him, but there, in my dream, he’s in the situation where he couldn’t do anything about it.
He was torn between, and I was screaming for him. Both of us were in a very pathetic situation. Both of us were tired, and we needed one another. The difference was, I wanted him to heed me, and there he wanted me to leave him alone for a moment. It was contradicting. Moreover, none of us wanted to give in, and none of us wanted to let the other know our condition. He wanted me to understand by avoiding me, while there I was, wanted him to understand by pestering him.
See? It won’t be good for both of us who were in big, bad moods these past few days.
But, oh, well, life has its own way…
He said he was glad that he dared himself to meet me. Here, I’m glad that he came. I’m glad that we talked. I’m glad that we’ve back to normal again. I’m glad I could see his dimpled-smile again. All of these hours of waiting, all of these hours of worry, all of the hours of misunderstanding have now passed.
I’m glad...
____....++++** ・ fin ・ **++++....____