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Lucretia’s eyes don’t leave the viewing window for the entire test of initiation, and her heart never leaves her throat.
She draws in a steadying breath, and turns on the intercom, praying the boys didn’t notice her hurriedly turn it off to take a second (that she shouldn’t have to need , she reminds herself) after she explained the rules.
“Now, if the three of you understand the rules fully, we can begin.”
She takes another breath.
“Listen, you don’t have the spare hours I would need to understand this test fully. Get some shiny things off monsters. Dig.”
Lucretia stifles a sob. The first moment they stepped into her office, the desire to drop the charade almost overwhelmed her, but she gritted her teeth and muscled through the pain. Now, she finds her jaw clenched again, to avoid doing something that could not, under any circumstances, be done. Oh, Taako, what did I do to you? What did I make you do to yourself?
She regrets forcing her friends to go through the horrible trial she designed the moment the ogres stepped through the doors. She had taken so much away from them - so much of their expertise, so much of their skill. A decade ago, she wouldn’t have blinked at seeing the three of them face up against such opponents, but now, the uncertainty of whether or not this was too much for them eats her alive.
They start off well. Magnus keeps his teammates safe competently, Merle thinks through his actions enough for them to be effective, and Taako gets an early start on collecting gemstones. Lucretia lets her lungs empty, but still cannot tear her eyes away.
She can do nothing but force down bile as Taako is smacked across the arena. She flinches so hard when she hears a snap at his landing, she feels her spine pop, and almost sobs with relief when he rolls, and it was only his wand.
The relief doesn’t last long when the ogre takes another step towards him, and she realises he is now unarmed. Taako never could take the big hits.
Then, Magnus is falling to the bottom of the arena, glass flying around him, with two automatons chasing him down - which immediately shatter on the ground. He lands an impressive hit on the last remaining adversary, but then too gets flung across the space. Merle has a panicked look in his eye.
Lup somehow knows how to protect her brother even across the incredible distance between them. Giant missiles fly out of the Umbrastaff, and Lucretia doesn’t permit herself to imagine where Taako must have found it, only to feel a familiar burn in her chest. Only to regret.
The last ogre falls, and she breathes a shaky laugh, congratulating them on their win.
“I particularly like it when you ripped the arms off that poor helpless robot,”
It’s the only thing she can think to say - the last remnant of the people she used to know, used to love, still loves, that she can see through her hazy vision. She closes off the intercom before everyone can hear the breathy, hysterical laugh that tumbles out of her, hot tears running down her cheeks. Thank the gods she’s alone.
She’s alone.