Chapter Text
"Taehyung, you love me, right? Do you want to die with me?"
Jimin spoke so easily, as if she was asking him on a date.
He felt the ground wobble under his knees as he looked at her in the eyes. He felt the cold tiles of the bathroom floor raise around them to swallow them both, slowly, slowly. Usually he would express this kind of thoughts out loud, because he knew Jimin liked it. She would laugh and look delighted, and he would be delighted back, but right now he felt that she wouldn't even be able to muster a smile.
"Do you?"
He felt her cold hand slip into his.
Taehyung wrinkled his nose as Jungkook came. He hadn't meant to swallow, but he hadn't recoiled fast enough. Jungkook smirked, having clearly caught on his disgust, and grabbed his arm to bring him to eye-level. Taehyung tilted his face, and obligingly, Jungkook kissed him, then his cheek, then his neck, and Taehyung let his head fall back, panting slightly, he opened languidly his eyes (when had he closed them?) and...
Someone was at the door, which they had clearly forgotten to lock, and Taehyung felt his eyes widen, his heart beating wildly for an entire different reason than what was currently happening to his neck. But just as quickly as he had appeared, the boy that had caught them ran out of the classroom.
"Hey."
Jungkook ignored him, and kept trying to bite his clavicles off.
"Hey!" Taehyung repeated a bit louder, pushing him back. Jungkook complied, looking a bit disgruntled. He raised a silent eyebrow, as loquacious as ever. A year ago, Taehyung would have made fun of him; but now, there would be no more high-pitched giggles to back him up.
"There was someone at the door. Hue... Huenin, or something like that. He saw us."
"Huening Kai, right?" Jungkook shrugged. "That's fine, I don't think he will blabber off."
Taehyung couldn't use his eyebrows as expertly as him, so he simply raised them both. Jungkook ignored him, going back to kissing his shoulders.
Taehyung frowned, and decided to let it go for now. These days, it felt difficult to care about anything at all, anyway.
"Taehyung, right? May... May I talk to you?"
Taehyung opened his eyes lazily from where he was lounging on the bench, and quickly straightened up when he saw who was looming over him. The boy from the other day; Kai, apparently. What did he want with him? Couldn't he simply try to forget what he had seen, or at least try to avoid Jungkook and him for a few months, like any normal being?
Nonetheless, Taehyung silently moved to the left side of the bench. The boy looked too pitiful standing here like that. They fell silent for a few seconds, Taehyung growing more and more irritated. Couldn't they get this over with quickly, so that he could go back to his nap?
"Are you... Are you going out with Jeon Jungkook?"
He felt his mind go blank.
"... What?"
"The truth is... I really like him, and after what I saw yesterday, I thought that I had a chance? I mean... I didn't even know he liked boys, because of Jimin, you know..."
"Uh... What do you like about him?" Taehyung blurted out, and then immediately wanted to hit himself. He had never quite learned to put a filter between his mouth and his brain.
"I... I just like him, that's all. I'm not kidding!" The kid looked a bit miffed, and when Taehyung looked into his big, big eyes, he strangely felt the desire to pat his head.
He didn't. He smiled politely, and declared:
"Relax. We're childhood friends."
"But... Then why were you..."
Taehyung laughed.
"That's just compensation."
Then, feeling like the conversation had gone on for long enough, Taehyung stood up and left, trying to remember where he had hidden his umbrella.
He had met her first. That had to count for something, right? They had found each other first, years before Jungkook walked into their lives.
They had met in the playground when he couldn't stop crying because his sandcastle had been destroyed by that jerk Junghwon and she had come to him and brought a tissue. They hadn't left each other ever since.
People talked, laughing and betting on when they would finally date, and it always made Jimin so mad because why couldn't they accept that they were just friends? And not just friends, the best of friends, and that no romantic feelings could ever rival theirs, was it just because she was a girl and he was a boy? And anyway she would never go out with anybody, she would become the best dancer of the whole world, she didn't have time for boys. Taehyung always nodded vigorously, a little dazed, a little enchanted by the red on her cheeks, smiling dopily, and then she would pinch his cheeks and stop being mad and begin to laugh.
They were okay, because they had each other. When Taehyung's dad drank too much, and became loose with his fists, or when Jimin's mom invited strange men that stayed for days and looked at her a little too closely, they would meet at the park, late at night. They would pretend they were the rulers of the kingdom that were the swings, the slide and the few bushes around them.
Taehyung loved that Jimin never found him weird, and always, always played along with his stories. He loved that she always giggled while doing so, as if she truly enjoyed playing with him, even if they weren't babies anymore. And then, just as easily, Taehyung realized he loved her.
But he remembered her angry expression when she cursed at the people calling them lovebirds, and decided to never say anything. Jimin was far more important.
Years later, she would hold his hands, as they were sitting in her tiny bathtub, her head on his shoulder, her scent, that he knew so well, floating in the air. He would close his eyes, nosing her hair.
First the loss of feelings in the fingertips, and just when he became dizzy, she said:
"He'll never forgive us."
Taehyung closed his eyes, trying to relax, his body enveloped in warm water. His legs occasionally brushed Jungkook's; after all, it was only a small tub. Sometimes Taehyung would open an eye to watch him read his comics, careful not to wet them. Jungkook was endearingly careful, sometimes.
Taehyung was thankful the boy had decided to get in the tub with him. He liked the feeling of sharing warmth together. When they were little, back when his mom was still here and her dad still paid child support, Jimin and him would often bathe together, making up a kingdom of mermaids or imagining they were pirates, or pirate-dancers, in Jimin's case.
Years later, Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung would force the back door of their local swimming pool to take a midnight bath. They held hands as they jumped into the water, and when they resurfaced, heir legs brushing together, Taehyung couldn't stop grinning. Looking at his two favorite people in the whole world floating in front of him, Taehyung had felt happier than he had ever been.
"Kai talked to me, today."
"Oh?" murmured Jungkook, still reading his comics. Asshole.
"He said he really liked you."
Jungkook only hummed in response, and Taehyung felt himself grow restless. He didn't know what he had expected.
"Will you talk to him, now that you know?"
"Why would I?"
Taehyung frowned down at the water. When he looked up, he realized Jungkook was already watching him closely, his comics forgotten.
"I don't want to talk to anyone but you, now."
Taehyung felt his throat close up, cold sweat forming in his back.
He closed his eyes again, as if everything was normal.
Their linked fingers, and redredred blood flowing slowly -tooslowlyhehadthoughtitwouldbequicker- from their wrists, and distantly he wondered if he wasn't making an incredibly stupid mistake, but then she looked at him with her big, big eyes and he thought he could never leave her alone.
Taehyung panted, screwing his eyes shut. It was always so intense, like waves crashing into him. The only thing left to do was to let himself slide away in the ocean.
Jungkook half-groaned, half-moaned above him, and leaned down enough for their foreheads to touch, for their breaths to tangle. Taehyung screwed his eyes shut and burrowed his nails in Jungkook's back, self-hatred rising inside of him.
When he came, it was to Jungkook's teeth firmly planted in his neck.
He kept his eyes closed as Jungkook breathlessly fell beside him, trying to forget the way the whole earth was turning around him, the way he couldn't stop feeling... feeling...
Jungkook had walked into their lives in middle school, and things seemed to fall seamlessly into place. It wasn't that there had always been an empty place for Jungkook to fill, it was that the boy managed to mold himself in all the empty spaces between Jimin and Taehyung, completing them effortlessly.
He would play Overwatch with Taehyung and dance together with Jimin, eat burgers and fries that the girl refused to buy with him and go shopping with her. Jimin and Taehyung quickly took to gather in Jungkook's big, empty apartment; his parents were always away on a professional trip or whatever. Years later, Taehyung still didn't understand what they were actually doing, only that it had to do with finance.
The apartment offered far more possibilities than Jimin and Taehyung's little park: it had a TV, for one, and snacks, and sometimes, but only sometimes, because they had to be careful not to be too obvious, Jungkook would sneak in his parents' cellar (Taehyung didn't even know that existed beforehand) and steal a bottle of red wine, and they would pretend they loved the taste and finish the bottle together.
He didn't even know when he began to notice that something was different. It felt gradual. Like pieces of a puzzle slowly falling together, so slowly that he didn't see the big picture until it was too late. Jimin's red cheeks when she came back from dance. Her shining eyes when she talked about Jungkook. And that smile, that smile she directed towards his best friend, with her almond eyes and her perfect teeth Taehyung weirdly wanted to lick, sometimes.
It culminated on a day like any other; they were waiting for Jungkook to come back from the toilets to start the movie, slumped on the sofa, and Taehyung was desperately trying not to ogle Jimin's muscled, golden tights. As if she had been waiting for them to finally be alone, she turned towards him and blurted out:
"Jungkook's cute, right? Do you think it would be okay for me to ask him out?"
It felt like a splash of cold water. There was a moment of silence, and Taehyung didn't know what to do, but then he saw Jimin's hesitant expression, and scrambled to smile.
Distantly, he desperately whished for them both to be far, far away, in their little park, their little park that they only visited once a month if he was lucky, now.
They brushed their teeth together, then got dressed and walked to school. They talked about the latest marvel movie, which they were planning to watch at the theatres. As each time they talked normally, Taehyung felt weird, felt as if he was betraying someone. Which he was doing.
Still, he kept the conversation going, trying as always not to notice the empty spot beside Jungkook, the lack of giggles after one of his ridiculous claims. Jungkook raised an amused eyebrow and Taehyung felt a little nauseous, not enough to be a problem. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough.
Taehyung wondered how Jungkook could keep his calm so well, if he too was missing Jimin so much it felt like dying, if each morning he woke up and had to realize again and again and again he wouldn't be able to see her during the day.
He would never ask.
During lunch, Kai asked Taehyung to go to the roof with him, face full of determination, and he smiled, and followed the boy.
One of the only things Jimin and Taehyung still were reluctant to share with Jungkook was their home. Or lack of one, to be more precise, even if Jungkook had surely guessed long ago why they spent so much time in his house, and none in theirs. Jimin didn't want to share her fears of coming back to an unknown man in her kitchen with Jungkook, and horribly, terribly, Taehyung felt grateful he was the only one able to speak with her about it.
After all, Jungkook knew parts of Jimin that Taehyung would never know, now that they were together; it felt only fair to keep that to himself.
Taehyung would never forgive himself for not noticing the way Jimin's dark circles under her eyes grew bigger, the way she ate less. It all seemed obvious afterwards, so why hadn't he understood sooner?
Maybe he would have known how to react when she had talked to him, then; maybe he would have been able to stop her, instead of trying desperately to grasp after her, to follow her.
When he woke up he was lying in the hospital. A nurse came into the room, opened her mouth, and it felt like a dream, a terribly vivid dream, and when she left, his feet found the ground without him noticing, and drove him to the roof, and it was all so clear, so very clear.
He didn't feel the hesitation that had uselessly invaded him, in the bathtub, because he knew she was waiting for him, and nothing was more important than her, nothing, his Jimin, his Jimin whose warmth he would never be able to smell anymore. He looked down, and the ground felt so very far away, but he raised a foot, and then...
"TAEHYUNG!" he jumped a little, recognizing Jungkook's voice, and what was he doing there, he would never be able to face him, ohgodjiminwasgoneanditwasbecauseofhim, Jungkook, Jungkook, please push me yourself, pleasepleaseplease I feel like I'm drowning. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
He heard Jungkook arrive behind him, breathless, and still refused to turn, afraid to see the boy's eyes, afraid to hear the accusations, and oh god he wished Jungkook hadn't come, because now he could suddenly feel again, because now he could feel the biting wind on his unprotected legs, his hands trembling against the trailing, and suddenly he could remember what it had felt like in the bathtub.
"You took her from me," Jungkook finally said. His voice was low but strong, and when Taehyung looked back by reflex, he was surprised to see the tears flowing on his face. "You took her from me, so repay me."
“You know I don't love Jungkook, right? I loved Jimin. I think I pushed her to kill herself.”
Kai stopped talking, looking distinctly at a loss for words. Taehyung tilted his head, wondering what the boy would do. It was the first time he had told anybody what had really happened that day. His father didn't care and Jimin's mom was too drugged out, even for the funerals. Taehyung didn't even know if she understood what was happening at the time.
Strangely, when Kai had looked at him with his big eyes, pestering him once again about Jungkook, about whether he loved the younger boy or not, and whether he would be willing to stop hanging out with him for a bit, or, you know, invite Kai over sometimes, Taehyung... Taehyung had felt the irresistible need to talk, to tell somebody, anybody, for someone to listen to him, finally... He never really talked with Jungkook anymore.
"You... What..." Kai stuttered, at a loss for words.
Taehyung felt himself half-smile by reflex, and suddenly it was as if a switch had been turned on. Kai frowned, and he tried again far more loudly:
"How can you smile! You... with Jungkook's girlfriend! How dare you still stand before him!"
The smile fell off of Taehyung's face, and he took a step back, feeling strangely wrong-footed. He knew that, he knew that it was weird, and grotesque, and repulsing. Numbly, he heard words fall out of his lips.
"I... I have to make compensation... To stay by his side, as Jimin did..."
"I don't want a worthless person like you near Jungkook! Why are you the one who gets to live?"
Kai suddenly stopped shouting, a bit wide-eyed. For a terrible second, they looked at each other, and it was as if his words were still floating in the air between them. Horrifyingly, Taehyung felt his eyes become wet. He hadn't cried in such a long time...
"Kai, don't be so harsh on Taehyung," a clear voice interrupted them.
Jungkook was standing at the threshold of the door, smiling. His eyes were cold. Taehyung jumped a little, swallowing back his tears. For how long has he been listening?
"Ju... Jungkook! I... I never got the chance to say sorry about Jimin," Kai blurted out.
Jungkook stared at Taehyung, looking a bit irritated. He didn't say anything. Kai took a trembling step towards him, his voice trembling:
"Don't I qualify? Can't I stay by your side? I love you, I love you more than Taehyung ever will!"
Jungkook bent over a little, and his shoulders were trembling. Taehyung raised an hesitant hand; but suddenly he understood that Jungkook was laughing, he was laughing so much that he was nearly crying. He stood frozen, unable to move, the terrible laugh resonating around them.
"So that's it!" Jungkook hiccupped. "No wonder Taehyung likes you. You looked just like her when you said that!"
Jungkook suddenly stopped laughing and grabbed violently Kai's short hair, looking calm.
"You want to take Taehyung's place? Do you want to die, kid? You are really like her, so much so… So much so that I want to kill you. That's why I told her..." and at these words he looked directly at Taehyung, eyes terribly cold. "I told her to go die."
Taehyung stood frozen for a split second, and Jungkook's words were repeating and repeatingandrepeating inside his brain, and he felt as if everything had become red, and suddenly he was standing before a prostrated Jungkook, his hand hurting from having hit him so strongly. He couldn't breathe, hecouldn'tbreathe...
"In the end, I couldn't stand her," Jungkook murmured. "Even if she hadn't committed suicide, I would have killed her."
Taehyung felt a cold sweat roll down his back.
"She knew I loved you." Jungkook kept his eyes fixed on the floor. "She said if I didn't sleep with her, she'd tell."
JiminJiminJimin
"What... What are you..."
"I told her to die, because I hated her." Jungkook interrupted. "So she... She tried to take you along..."
He stretched out his hand and grabbed Taehyung, putting his head on his shoulder, looking terribly fragile.
"Taehyung... Taehyung..."
Taehyung felt all of his rage leave him. While Jungkook kept weeping on his shoulder, he looked up at the blue sky, distantly hearing Kai running down the stairs, back to his own life, away from all of this.
What went wrong?
Where did they all start going wrong?
That day, if Jungkook hadn't asked him to repay him, Taehyung would have jumped without any hesitation. But the truth, the terrible truth that would haunt him for years and years and years, was that he didn't want to die. Even in that little bathtub, Jimin's warmth near him, he hadn't wanted to die, and he hadn't wanted her to, either, but he could feel her slipping through his fingers faster and faster with each passing second...
Jungkook had offered him an excuse not to die, that day, however grotesque and absurd it was... Taehyung had accepted easily, because there had to be a punishment, there had to be responsibilities, Jimin couldn't die so easily, right? How could anyone live normally, when each second he felt her absence in the little park, in Jungkook's apartment, in his very blood? Jungkook must have seen it in his eyes, that day... That despair...
Taehyung heard footsteps behind him. When he looked up, Jungkook was standing there, looking strangely hesitant.
Taehyung mustered up a smile, and moved aside a little, inviting him to take seat.
He wondered if he would stop thinking about Jimin so often, one day. He wondered if he wanted to.
He could feel Jungkook's presence next to him, his warmth, almost as much as he could feel Jimin thrumming in his veins.
He wondered what they would do, now.
The only thing he knew was that they wouldn't be able to leave each other.