Work Text:
“It has been a while since I visited, I am sorry. The last few months have been busy. You know that however, I am sure you do. But it still feels right to explain. I missed Christmas. And my birthday… and yours as well. I hope you can forgive me, but well. You know I would never miss today, nothing could make me.” It was a warm day. The weather was perfect. Somewhere between early spring and late summer. May the 11th. It was nice… Masato had been able to make the drive out here without the need of even a jacket, and the air was filled with the delicate scent of the last of the cherry blossoms. It was a beautiful day to be out walking.
“Happy Anniversary…” The words were a quiet murmur as he crossed the grass, a bunch of dark red roses in his hand, one white one nestled in the very center.
“I know I bring them every year… but you used to be so fond of them. I can feel you smiling at me. You thought I would forget that? Hardly… You have always been so over the top with your gestures. Especially with flowers…” Carefully he crouched down on the neatly cut grass, lifting a hand to push blue hair out of saddened eyes as he set the vivid red flowers in the small vase that was placed in front of the memorial stone.
“I went to the shrine for you this morning… I prayed for both of us… as always. I… am sure it will bring me luck.” Slim fingers reached out to trace the stone that was placed directly before him now, the slight indent of the engraved lettering guiding his touch as he pursed his lips for a moment, his eyes growing hot as he squeezed them closed.
“I am sorry. I know I promise every time I see you I will not cry the next time… I know you hated to see me sad. I shall have to ask you to forgive me for that now, as well? I am such trouble.” He brought his free hand up to his face.
“Twenty five years today, love. That is how long you have held my heart. “ Time was a strange thing… sometimes he felt as though no time had passed since he saw the infuriating blond on his first day at Saotome… then in a blink they were kissing… arms around one another and falling in love. A breath later they had their apartment, laying on the couch together, talking through a movie rather than watching it. Ren’s head on his chest. Soft strands of honey coloured hair curled around his fingers. Other days… that all seemed a hundred years ago… He was older now. But he felt so much older than he really was. He was in his forties. That really could not be said to be terribly old… but the weight of his life left him feeling as though the years he carried with him were at least double what they truly were.
“Fifteen years was not enough Ren…” His voice was breaking slightly. His eyes were still closed but he could feel the tears escaping.
“It could never have been enough for me. You were… you were so alive. I sometimes think you were alive enough for both of us…” He let his hand fall away from the cool stone of the grave marker. Dark, sad eyes, lined slightly with the years he had lived now resting on the words on the brilliant white stone, tinted with gold leaf to catch the sunlight.
Ren Jinguji
Age 35
With eyes filled with the sky and a burning heart;
you lit our lives with love,
we are never apart.
You could never be forgotten.
A shuddered sigh left him as he pulled a scrunched up tissue from his pocket and pressed it to his eyes.
“It was ten years ago that I said my last goodbye to you… I… wish I had known that it would be so final...” He had treated it just like any other day. He had gotten up. He had showered and gotten dressed and gone to sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, a string of soft kisses were pressed to the sleepy, smiling lips of the blond before he could finally pull himself away and actually leave. He had called an ‘I love you’ back from the doorway, and asked him to get some chicken out of the freezer… what… mundane last words… ‘Do try not to forget the chicken, love.. or we will not have dinner...’ He never did eat that stupid chicken. Two days in the hospital had passed before he had headed home… but Ren had never stirred. The chilling beep of life support machines were the only thing keeping his heart beating, and no amount of tears and prayers had restored the life that the speeding car colliding with his had taken away.
Slightly trembling fingers released the tissue then, and let it rest on his legs as slowly twisted the rings that rested on his left hand around, adjusting them just ever so slightly. He had never removed them, not for any longer than it took to do the dishes if he had no gloves, anyway. A dark blue stone set in gold engraved with spread wings, and a simple gold band. It’s companion hung around his neck now. Hidden under his shirt. He could not bring himself to let it go.
“Oh stop frowning.” He murmured quietly.
“I know you are cross with me. I know… you never wanted me to be alone like this. But… I do not think you understand just how impossible you are to replace… or compare to. For all your confidence you never did have quite enough faith in yourself. I just…. I can not do it, Ren. I can not look at anyone and find it in my heart to feel the way I felt for you.” His voice broke then, a sob of absolute grief shaking his shoulders as he lifted his hand to press it to his face once more.
“I tried… I swear to you I tried but I can not… I told you when you were still here beside me that there would never be anyone else… and there never was. There never could be. My heart is yours… and it always will be. How can I give it away again… now it is.. is not mine to give..?” His words trailed off again as he pressed his hand to his mouth, head bowed, kneeling on the grass.
He knew if Ren could have been there, warm arms would have wound around him then, he would have felt the blondes cheek against his hair, he would have been pulled close and comforted. He could remember each and every touch as though he had felt it yesterday. How could you ever replace someone that was in every way the other half of you? If soulmates were real… then Ren had been his. They knew each other inside out. There could never be another person he knew so very well, and who knew him to the same degree.
“Do you understand, Ren? Do you understand why I just can not do it. Loving you… changed me. I could not be happy with anything less than that feeling now. I would rather not… give less than half myself to someone else. That would never be fair, besides… I am not entirely alone anyway. I have my family. I have your family… I have our family. Starish. And I still have you… I will always have you. So you see… really. You should not be cross with me at all. You should smile for me instead. I miss your smile so much...”
He bowed his head again then, his shoulders slouching slightly more as he reached out to shift the arrangement of the roses just a little.
“I hope your mother is well… I hope she is looking after you for me… And I hope you told her… I am sorry for leaving it so long before I started looking after you for her. I regret that now more than ever. Ah… we wasted so much time.” A bittersweet smile touched his lips.
“We made up for it though… we had so much happiness together. I know we fought… I know we bickered and argued. I know I snapped at you and I know you wound me up and laughed when I got annoyed… but I loved you every day. Every moment. I still do. I still see your smile in the sunlight… The sky still reminds me of your eyes. I do not think that will ever change.” His lips lifted in a very slight smile that simply could not make it to his eyes as he looked up at the blue summer sky.
Twenty five years they would have passed together today. May 11th. The day they had first kissed… The day feelings that had been growing for months finally burst into bloom. But instead… it was ten years that he knelt here facing. Ten years and some months since he had lost him. Ten years of waking alone… of reaching out to the pillow beside him and still finding it empty. Ten years of always expecting him to come home from work… and the door never going. Ten years of loving him without ever being able to hear the feelings returned. When he had promised to love him forever… he meant it. He had never counted on the forever being spent so alone.
“Ah.. sorry. I suppose I lost my… composure there once again. You could always bring down my walls. It seems that has not changed in the slightest. Still… there is no one else I could let myself cry in front of. I… think it far better that they all believe I am strong. You know I always preferred to keep my feelings to myself.” He was preparing to say his goodbyes again. He could spend hours here easily enough, but a busy life made that sort of leisure difficult.
“I hope you like the roses… they smell so sweet. I have… half the bunch by my bed at home. So… I can sleep knowing that sweet scent will reach you as well.” The small things like that sometimes made him feel just… slightly less alone at night.
Carefully he shifted himself to his feet again, eyes slightly red from tears and still filled with sorrow fixed on the marker once more as he sighed deeply. A warm summer wind swirled around him for just a moment, lifting the sweet scent of the roses he had placed. His heart ached with loss, love and longing. Wishing he could feel just once more the warm arms curling around him. The firm grasp of a hand in his. It was idle wishing. Foolish longing that could never be. But he could not help himself.
“I will not leave visiting so long next time.” He added, his voice quiet and gentle now.
“I left you alone too long. I am sorry for that. I will find the time in summer. I promise.” he leant down once more, his fingers trailing over the name of his best friend…
“Remember me…” he stated quietly, his voice a whispered plea.
“I promise you.. I will never forget you. I love you. Rest well...”
He curled his own arms around himself as he finally turned his back on the memorial, heading back towards the car that was waiting for him on the other side of the gate. Back to the world he drifted through every day now. The world that almost did not seem real… The world that he lived in without Ren…