Work Text:
Hey, Souchan? Can I tell you a secret?
Well, I guess you can’t hear me since you’re asleep, huh?
Souchan, I ———-.
Sorry. I still can’t say it to your face.
Goodnight, Souchan.
[Words unsaid form into a habit.]
He would always linger a bit
to savor the faint taste of bittersweet pudding—
only to be met
with the metallic taste of the spoon.
[It wasn’t enough,
so he threw in candy to help curb the urge.]
Thick caramel spreads across his tongue
as he chews slowly.
[There’s something else he wants.
Something that is just within reach.]
He takes another piece of candy.
[Cinnamon flavored.
It’s too spicy for his liking,
and it doesn’t even taste like candy.]
He reaches for a different candy
and stuffs the other one into his pocket for another day.
[It’s scary, isn’t it?
Neither of them knew what it’s like to date,
yet they wanted to try anyway.
And it’s for that reason that he—]
Tamaki shook his head
and looked back at Sougo’s sleeping figure.
“It’s fine like this.”
He could feel his heart beat loudly in his chest
as he quietly knelt down beside his partner
and held the hand that hung off the side of the bed…
Before leaving behind a chaste kiss followed by a soft bite—
To create a bond just light enough to remain unseen.
“I love you.”
He tries his best to keep it a secret.
Sougo is precious to him,
and he fears the possibility of being rejected,
so he does everything he can to restrain himself
without making it too obvious.
But the feeling of his body
being held against his own,
and the brilliant smile he always gave
whenever they did something he enjoyed…
It was irresistible.
Like a drug he couldn’t get enough of.
It’s scary.
Just thinking about him being touched by other men
sends his mind into overdrive
as he is nearly blinded by jealousy.
He wanted him to stay by his side.
More than anything else,
he wanted to know
that Sougo would never leave him alone.
Invisible marks.
He wanted to leave trails of small bites
that were just enough for him to feel it.
Even though they wouldn’t be visible,
he wanted to engrave the memory of the act.
It has been three years since they met
and eight months since they started dating,
yet he could feel his love
grow stronger and stronger
with each passing day.
Actions are easy, but words are difficult.
So when actions aren’t an option,
then how could he possibly find the right thing to say?
On the last day of the tenth month,
he sees his partner sleeping peacefully
on top of a mess of music scores.
His mouth curls into a smile
as he carefully lifts him off the chair
and carries him to bed.
He could do it today.
There is no one at the dorm to see it.
No.
He can’t.
He shouldn’t.
He refuses to allow himself
to continue doing this without him knowing.
Instead,
he settles for a kiss on the cheek
before returning to his room for the night.
The gum in his mouth had long lost its flavor,
yet he didn’t seem to notice at all.
His lips still tingled
from the soft sensation of Souchan’s cheek,
and he couldn’t help but flush bright red
at the thought of it.
Over time,
they start to notice.
Jobs that required him to show off his body were normal,
but he couldn’t say the same for his partner.
But then slowly but surely,
that all began to change
as people started to realize
how beautiful Sougo truly is.
Slender,
manicured hands
lingered upon his partner’s shoulder
as the model seductively
placed her lips against his neck.
Tamaki could hear the sound of his crunching
echoing loudly in his ears.
Stop it.
He knew it wasn’t her fault
nor was it Sougo’s,
but the way they would lay their hands
on his boyfriend like that
drove him completely
and utterly
insane.
Don’t touch him.
Tamaki finds himself
trying to sneak in a little more than what's allowed
but is turned down every single time.
They were in public,
and they are idols.
A scandal like this
would only make it harder for them
to hide their relationship.
“It’s okay, Tamaki-kun.
It doesn’t mean anything.”
He knows that all too well,
but it didn’t make it any easier to bear.
But he promised that he would be good.
He wanted to make the relationship work.
So he took every chance he was given
to hold him for just a moment longer.
Even if they couldn’t be open about their relationship,
those private moments belonged to them and no one else.
But it wasn’t enough.
He knew he couldn’t go on like this.
The longer he tried to hold back,
the more he wanted to hold him just a little while longer.
Even if it’s only for a few minutes,
he would be okay.
Tamaki has never been good with secrets.
In order to establish trust between them,
Sougo only had a single rule.
If you decide to tell someone,
then please make sure they’re trustworthy.
Tamaki knew he wanted to say more,
but he wanted to have faith in him
even though he was scared.
Tamaki didn’t like the idea of hiding from IDOLiSH7,
and Iori is his best friend.
At the very least,
he wanted to tell him.
So he did.
When did it all start?
It was a question he expected but didn’t have the answer to.
[A night of drunken antics
lead to a lighthearted experiment
that he couldn’t get enough of.]
He remembered Souchan’s cheerful laughter
echoing in his ears
as he held out a spoonful of his favorite pudding.
“Sorry, Taa-kun. I spilled it a little.”
Tamaki never liked being treated like a child, but he knew that it couldn’t be helped.
It wasn’t like he was aware of it after all.
Maybe it was the smell of alcohol
or the strange feeling in his chest,
but he found himself drawing close to the spoon
to savor the deliciously bittersweet taste
sliding down his throat.
Down, down, down…
Within his foggy memories,
he could still recall the feeling of his wrist against his lips.
Not even a centimeter away from his teeth.
I don’t understand.
It’s weird.
But I can’t help it.
It was no surprise to him that Iori couldn’t help him,
but he felt more at ease nonetheless.
And yet,
it didn’t change the fact that he was still lost.
Talk to him.
Those were the words Iori had given him,
yet it wasn’t that simple.
Regardless of their relationship,
Tamaki knew better than anyone else
about the line that was drawn in the sand.
Work is work. Private is private.
As idols, we are not allowed to forget that.
Even though he wanted to tell the world
that he loves him.
Why is it so difficult?
Speaking his mind has never been a problem up until now.
So what changed?
How much affection can he hold within him
before it all starts spilling out?
He wished that someone could give him the answer,
but in the end,
only Sougo could.
In the background, a familiar face takes the cassette tape and changes it to show “Side B”.
There is still one more story left to be told.
At first, he thought
that he was in a dream.
A dream where he was being touched
ever so gently
as if they were holding on
to someone who would soon disappear.
The second time
he thought it was an illusion.
The slight pressure that would press
into his skin like an iron
just lightly enough for him
to make out a silhouette.
By the third time, he knew
that someone was there
by the comforting warmth
of their breath against his skin.
But it wasn’t until a few more times had passed
that he finally realized
that there was meaning
behind those little touches.
Every fleeting kiss
would transition into air
that tickled his veins
as something different
slowly and carefully
sunk into him.
And in every single one
of his so called dreams,
he would see Tamaki
holding him close
as he covered his body
in little “I love you”s.
Anything more would’ve been forbidden.
Sougo knew that better than anyone else.
Over time, the act became less frequent.
The kisses remain a constant source of bliss,
but the loss of that feeling against his skin
leaves him feeling empty.
With each passing moment,
he finds himself desiring it
more and more
until his mind and heart fell into disarray.
Yet he still finds himself
at a loss for words
that could properly convey
these jumbled up emotions.
If only he could just be honest
If only he could wear his heart on his sleeve,
the same way Tamaki always does.
But he wanted this.
He wanted to become a musician.
And at the same time,
he wanted Tamaki’s heart too.
He hated it.
He hated seeing the way people looked at him
with those eyes that wanted him.
But unlike his partner,
he wasn’t willing to let it show.
This much is okay, right?
His partner’s words carve themselves
firmly into his mind
as he presses his warm hands
against his own.
He resists the urge
to intertwine them
while the photographer nods
in satisfaction.
Just like Re:vale.
He knew from the start
that they were like a mirror to them
but whether or not that was the same
behind closed doors
was for them to know
and no one else to find out.
The sound of crunching
It was light,
but he stood near enough
to hear it ringing in his ears.
He had noticed it before,
but this was the first time he did it during a job.
Tamaki was nervous.
Tamaki was rarely ever nervous.
He moves his pinky slightly
and curls it around his partner’s own.
It’s okay. I’m right beside you.
A reassuring gesture
full of quiet understanding
Because in this room
full of all these people,
there was only them.
Relationships are about compromise, aren’t they?
At least, according to the books he read.
Secret kisses are borderline,
So they settle for laced fingers,
and hugs that are a second longer
each time they are given
a moment of privacy.
That’s how it’s always been.
But it’s not enough.
The memory of those dreams
and the scent of sugar on his breath
overwrites his rationality
with the thought of being in his arms
or Tamaki being in his own.
And then,
someone finally brings it up,
but to his greatest fear,
it wasn’t his other half.
I think you should talk to him.
The two of you have been acting strange.
It seemed that almost everyone noticed,
but only Yamato was willing to bring it up.
Too many glances
filled with words
left unsaid
Too many candies
lining the cupboards
and strange fixation
with the ends of spoons
Even though they looked okay,
felt fine,
and acted the same as always
He knew that something was off.
Yamato is kind
despite his denial,
but did he have the courage
to tell him the truth?
It’s because he’s so kind
that he doesn’t ask him to.
Instead, he pats his head
and smiles slightly
as he tells him that it’s okay
to be a little selfish.
It’s okay to ask for more
than you already have.
April 4th
The day before their anniversary
And as fate would have it,
they were off for the next few days.
It’s okay to be a little selfish.
He smiles
as he repeats those words
like a mantra.
We’ll take a trip
for just the two of us
He tells the others
that it was gift from the staff
and even though it was a lie
they pretend to believe him.
One day they’ll tell them everything,
but for now,
they wanted this for themselves.
On the empty train
making its way to their destination,
he leans against his partner’s shoulder
and rests his eyes for a moment.
He could feel a warm hand enveloping his own
as they squeeze it gently
and turn to face the view passing them by.
It’s kind of funny.
Despite how rough around the edges he is,
he always treats him so well
Is that what it means to love someone?
To want to treasure them
with every fiber of your being?
When they arrive at their destination,
he makes sure to spoil him
much to his surprise,
but at the same time,
Tamaki never failed
to do the same.
From the outdoor lives,
to the cafes,
to the museums,
and to the planetariums,
beneath their disguises
they were smiling,
but the finale has yet to come.
Make a wish, he says
as they watch the glittering stars.
Then I want you to do it again.
The other man finds himself
at a loss for words
as he is dragged back inside
and pulled onto the bed.
It was you all along, wasn’t it?
So I want you to do it again.
He could feel Tamaki’s hands grow warmer
as he embraces him with no intention of letting go.
Are you okay with that?
He laughs.
He has never been more sure in his entire life.
Make a constellation out of me.
Mark the stars so that I can feel it,
but at the same time,
just lightly enough
for the morning sun to hide them again.
Send shock waves through my veins
and static against the surface of my skin.
Leave behind a mark
that will always remind me of you,
and I promise that I will do the same.
You don’t need to curb the urge anymore
because I will always be here.
April 5th. 12:00AM
From the bed,
he could see the moon’s light
spilling onto the floor
casting shadows against the furniture around them
And by his side,
he could feel his partner
snoring softly
with his arms
gently wrapped around him
He presses his lips
against his bare chest
and quietly whispers
gentle words of affection
against his beating heart
Happy anniversary, Tamaki-kun.
I love you.
He wasn't sure if he was just sleep talking
or whispering his honest reply
but within the silence of the night
he could hear him.
Happy anniversary, Souchan.
I love you too.