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There's an email sitting innocuously in his inbox with the simple header 'Curriculum Adjustment for Homeroom Teachers'. That in and of itself isn't at all alarming; maybe once every couple months a memo goes out about some change in curriculum– a new law they want covered in Ethics of Heroics or something along those lines.
He clicks to open the email, blinking against the bright light of the screen this early in the morning. He blinks again because his eyes must be giving out on him. No way is he reading that right.
He pauses, closes his eyes, counts to ten, and attempts to read the same line again. The words don't change.
"Oh fuck no," Shouta hisses, dropping his head into his hands, his elbows propped up on his desk in the staff room.
"Rough night?" teases a familiar voice just as a hand with scarily well-manicured nails comes down on his shoulder.
Shouta just groans and points at the screen in front of him.
Nemuri leans in over his shoulder to get a closer look at the screen and after just a few seconds starts cackling.
" Oh, Shouta ," she gasps through the laughter, squeezing his shoulder hard enough that her nails dig in a little but he just can't find it in himself to be bothered.
" I know ," he says, his voice muffled against his hand.
Nemuri's laughter finally peters out, and she seems at least somewhat sympathetic to his predicament, patting him on the shoulder as a morale boost.
"There there," she says. "It'll be okay."
Shouta just groans again and drops his forehead to his desk. Maybe he can just go to sleep and never wake up. That dream is quickly smothered as the door to the staff room swings open with an obnoxiously loud greeting.
Yamada takes one look at Shouta slumped over his desk before directing his attention to Nemuri.
"Did his request to expel Mineta get rejected again?" he asks.
"Nope, come check it out,” she says, and Shouta can hear the amusement in her tone, the damn sadist. Of course she's enjoying his suffering.
Yamada takes his place at Shouta’s other shoulder to read the email as well, and before long both he and Nemuri are both doubled over and leaning half their weight on him in their hysterics.
Another email pops up in his inbox a moment later; looks like his request to expel Mineta was rejected. Oh fucking Christ, he's going to have to teach this with that fucker in his class.
The thing is, Shouta’s a good teacher. He cares about all of his students even if he threatens to expel them on at least a biweekly basis. They're good kids (well, nineteen of them are), and he wants them to succeed. But even then, he knows he comes across as harsh.
Hell, he is harsh on them. The rigorous training, the constant threats of expulsion– all of it is because he wants them to live through being pro heroes. If he goes easy on them, all he's doing in the long run is putting them in danger.
It doesn't matter that he's tough on them for a good reason though, he's still managed to cultivate a persona that all the students at Yuuei are somewhat afraid of.
This is what leads him to not-quite beg Nezu to reverse his decision on the curriculum change.
“Nonsense, Aizawa. Your students adore you!” he says cheerfully, perched behind his too-large desk.
“They're terrified of me,” he corrects.
“Now, now. You're hard on them, but they all know it's just because you care. How could they think anything else after USJ and their training camp?”
“They're afraid of me.”
“No, they respect you.”
“And respecting me is different than being comfortable around me. If you want them to get the best education, then do what we've always done and let Recovery Girl teach them. Or hell, if you're so dead set on it being a teacher, why not Thirteen? The kids love Thirteen. They'll be too freaked out to ask me any questions.” Please for the love of all that is holy, Nezu.
“I've done the deductions,” the principal replies in his trademark chipper tone. “This is going to have the best possible outcome. They've all formed a strong bond to you. I'm sure everything will work out just fine! Now, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to talk about the expulsion forms you keep submitting to me…”
Not again.
Rather than taking up his usual position in his sleeping bag behind his desk, Shouta takes a seat on the corner of the desk. It's more casual. He's seen Hizashi sit like this when he wants to engage more with his classes, and it almost always has a positive impact.
His students begin coming into the room, trickling in slowly as they return to the classroom from lunch. Most cast strange, lightning fast looks at his unusual behavior, and Kaminari even jokingly asks Bakugo if he wants to start collecting bets on who's about to be expelled.
Shouta's about to throw a glare Kaminari’s way before he realizes that's only going to make things more tense. Instead he just takes a deep breath that ends up sounding like an exhausted sigh.
That's enough to get the now full classroom to quiet the lull of quiet conversation that had filled the room.
“Right,” he says, looking out across the sea of faces ranging from completely bored (Todoroki) to rapt attention (Midoriya) to barely masked terror (Mineta). “If any of you act inappropriately today, I won't hesitate to expel you.” He keeps his eyes fixed on Mineta for this announcement, everyone in the class hesitantly flicking their eyes over to where he's looking.
“Normally they get Recovery Girl to come in and teach this, but for some reason they've decided that you'd respond to it better coming from me,” he continues, reaching beneath his capture weapon to pull up his goggles and snap them into place in front of his eyes. Shouta can't believe he's actually doing this and sighs yet again.
Every student in the room looks thoroughly confused, and Midoriya hesitantly raises a hand.
“Yes, Problem Child?” he says, hoping to get the students to relax somewhat. It works if the scattered snickering is anything to go off.
“Um, what exactly is it that you're going to teach us?” he asks, obviously nervous.
“Sex education.”
The class stares at him in complete silence.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Shouta mumbles under his breath, glancing over at Jirou when he hears her snort. “Okay, look. I get that it's an awkward topic. And I get that it's weird to talk about with anyone, especially me. But I believe we can all be mature and respectful in a discussion about this, so if any of you have any questio–”
Before he can even finish what he's saying, Todoroki of all people has his hand in the air.
He's thankful that he took the time to put on his goggles, because otherwise he'd be broadcasting his surprise to the whole classroom. “Yes, Todoroki?”
All eyes are on the student as he asks, with all the emotional variance of a brick wall, “How exactly are quirks passed down through sexual reproduction?”
That's… Not exactly the type of question he was expecting to answer.
“Well, you know how basic genetics work. I've seen your Biology grades. But the child usually inherits a combination of their parents’ quirks. Now, that's not always how it happens, but that's fairly common. Sometimes they just get the quirk of one parent or the other. Sometimes they don't get a quirk at all.”
Shouta doesn't miss the glare Bakugo throws at Midoriya at his last point.
“Okay,” Todoroki nods. “Let's say that someone who was mildly telekinetic reproduced with someone who could, I don't know–” he obviously feigns struggling to come up with another quirk before saying, “someone who could breathe fire. What would you expect their child to be able to do?”
“Well,” Shouta begins, feeling like he's missing some key piece of the question, “fire quirks tend to be genetically dominant, so probably something more inclined towards the fire quirk.”
“But you wouldn't expect, say, superhuman strength?” Todoroki continues.
It's at this point that Shouta notices just how red in the face Midoriya has gone, and just how hard the rest of the class is trying to hold back laughter. He'd been too focused on the most reserved student in his class speaking more in five minutes than he'd heard him say in the previous five months. The student who looks to be struggling hardest to contain their laughter is Ashido, so Shouta focuses his attention on her.
“Ashido,” she sits up straight at hearing her name, still clearly doing her best to keep a straight face. “Would you like to explain what I'm clearly not getting about this conversation?”
“T-Todoroki-kun thinks that–” is as far as she can get before she's unable to contain her laughter any longer.
Her hysterics manage to set half the class off, and Shouta is left there staring at his class in confusion before Yaoyorozu finally speaks around her own scattered laughter.
“What Ashido-san was trying to say is that Todoroki-kun is under the impression that Midoriya-kun is, I'm sorry, All Might’s s-secret lovechild.”
“Midoriya is not All Might's secret love child,” Shouta rebukes immediately, his eyes moving straight back over to where Todoroki is sitting stoically, his face blank.
“Thank you!” Midoriya says emphatically, turning his embarrassed glare on Todoroki for just a moment.
Todoroki seems unbothered. “Okay,” he says, not sounding the slightest bit like he believes him. A glance down at the notebook on his desk and he asks, “Is Shinsou Hitoshi your secret lovechild?”
The class that had been regaining its composure immediately breaks back out into horrendously loud laughter.
“W– no ,” Shouta answers after the momentary shock of being asked that.
“How about Amajiki Tamaki? Is he your and Midnight’s secret lovechild?”
“ No – why would you even think that?” Shinsou he at least sort of gets. They both have psychological quirks which are somewhat rare, and he's been training Shinsou outside of his usual teaching work. But Amajiki?
“Mostly the hair,” Todoroki answers simply.
“Todoroki, I am thirty-one years old. I am not old enough to have a child who is in high school. More importantly, I don't have any children because when I was your age I sat where you all are sitting and listened to Recovery Girl talk about safe sex.”
“Is it possible that Tokoyami is Hawks’ secret lovechild?”
“Hawks is twenty-two ,” Midoriya balks. “There's no way, Todoroki-kun!”
Todoroki looks back down at the notebook in front of him before directing his attention back to Shouta. “Fine. You said you have no children because of Recovery Girl’s sex education lessons. Was Vlad King in those lessons? Or is it possible that Toga Himiko is his secret lovechild?”
Shouta rips off the goggles because he needs the kids to see the eye roll that one has earned. “Oh for God’s sake, Todoroki, how many of these do you have? I may as well say that Dabi is Endeavor’s secret lovechild because he has blue eyes and a fire quirk.”
A look that Shouta does not like in the slightest flashes across Todoroki’s face as he scribbles something down in the notebook.
“Todoroki, what are you writing down?” he asks, not sure if he wants to know the answer.
“That’s a good one,” Todoroki says simply. “I’d like to ask my father about it.”
Shouta covers his face with one hand. “Should’ve just put a condom on a fucking banana and called it quits,” he mutters to himself.
“Sensei– oh my God!” Jirou guffaws.
“ Fuck .”