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Normandy is quiet. All light except the necessary ones are dim. Only few people are up and most of them are working on command or engineering deck. It’s late in the night or early in the morning – it depends on who you ask – when Shepard enters the mess-hall, data-pad in his right hand, eyes locked on its screen. He needs to stay awake for another hour. Maybe two. Or two days. He shoots a look to the mad bay. He could ask Dr. Chakwas to give him something. No. He knows what her answer would be and he can't go to bed, not yet. He pours himself a cup of lukewarm black liquid that has been left in the pot. He doesn't mind the low temperature as it allows him to drink it faster but he puts the kettle on to boil to make fresh coffee for anyone having a night shift who could appreciate it.
Only three minutes later he puts the empty cup into sink and turns around to go back to his cabin. He has to compare these numbers against the yesterday report. Something is not quite right. Or maybe everything is okay and he is just too tired to remember. For a short moment he doesn't know if that does matter or not and that realization puts him on alarm. He has to check it. He takes first step toward his cabin but there is something, some intrusive feeling at the back of his mind, that makes him lift his tired gaze from the data-pad and look around the room.
Kaidan is sitting at the table wearing his undershirt and pajamas' pants. He has his head laid on his forearms and as far as Shepard can tell, he is sleeping. Commander smiles faintly. His LT looks so calm and peaceful, real sleeping beauty. Literally. The smile curls Shepard's lips up even more as he thinks about waking Kaidan with a kiss – like a prince that came to win his princess' heart. He bites inside of his mouth to not laugh at himself aloud. Pathetic. And then the worried look comes back on Shepard’s face and he frowns a little, asking himself why Kaidan should sleep here. His back surely won't thank him in the morning and he will be definitely cold and stiffened.
John puts the data-pad aside and walks around the table to wake Kaidan up and send him to his bed. Kaidan’s bed – just to be accurate. Shepard lays his hand on Kaidan's bare shoulder and shakes him carefully.
"Hey, Lieutenant," Shepard says in a low voice and ignores the excited pounding of his heart. I am touching Kaidan. "Wake up," he adds and shakes his subordinate's body gently again. I am touching him while he is asleep! Shepard shakes his head at himself. This is not exactly what he has been longing for so long. But it is probably the best I can hope for. Quiet sigh slips from Shepard’s lips. I really need to get laid during next shore leave. But he won’t and he knows that, still carrying a torch for this fucking sexy soldier who has never showed a sign of interest in his CO or somebody else from Normandy’s crew.
Slowly Kaidan is waking up. Shepard recognizes that according to the change in his breathing rhythm and shift of his back muscles. Alenko lifts his head an open his eyes, giving an impressing yawn. When his eyes focus eventually, he frowns, disorientation radiating from him to all directions. Shepard squeezes his shoulder soothingly. Or he thinks he does. But Kaidan’s gaze locks on commander’s hand on his shoulder and the disorientation is replaced with pure terror that becomes something else again in very rapid sequence and now Kaidan gives an impression that he is about to puke. Shepard is not sure if he should move away and offer Alenko more space or if he should stay and support him. But things are in progress so fast that when there are blue sparkles surrounding Kaidan’s body, it is Shepard who is not fast enough. He feels sharp pain and then blue darkness swallows him. John falls unconscious.
* * *
Shepard opens his eyes and looks at the familiar ceiling. It is not his first time when he regains consciousness lying in the med bay so he relaxes and waits if any pain is coming. After few moments it seems that only his right arm had suffered some damage but he is unable to tell to what extent as it has been already covered by medi-gel and bandages. He sit up and his head is about to explode. Immediately he catches it between his hands and bends forward.
"Commander," Dr. Chakwas’ surprised voice makes it even worse and Shepard lets out a groan. And then there are gentle hands around his body and doc is forcing him down on his side and then on his back. "You are up too early. I will sedate you so you can rest a little bit longer," she informs him and doesn’t wait for an answer before she administers the shot and Shepard is oblivious to the world again.
When he wakes up later, his headache is gone along with the burning in his right arm. Still, he sits up more slowly than before, expecting the worst. And… and nothing happens. Shepard shakes his head carefully and smiles faintly when the pain doesn’t show itself. Then he remembers why he ended up here in the first place and curses. "What the hell was that?"
"I … I am sorry."
Commander hears the words coming from behind his back and he jumps of the bed and turns around, startled. Kaidan is standing across the room, leaning against the wall, hands crossed on his middle. He pushes his body from the wall and then shifts his weight from one foot to another, being hesitant about going near to Shepard.
On the other hand, Shepard doesn’t hesitate at all and crosses the room. "Did you smash me with your biotics Alenko?" he asks, disbelief in his voice, and then he waves his hand at Kaidan. He remembers enough to be sure that Kaidan did exactly that, no need to be reassured. But he has to know something else. "Why?" That’s the question. He could accuse his LT of assault and battery of superior officer at any time but there is something strange that Shepard remembers too – the look on Kaidan’s face. His haunted expression before he hit Shepard, the panic.
Kaidan looks away. He opens and closes his mouth several times without saying a world.
"Tell me, Kaidan," Shepard prompts him gently when it seems they are going anywhere. He thinks he would have been already pacing the room but Kaidan is still and quiet as he has always been. But then his LT gives a sigh and says: "You touched me."
They are staring at each other. Shepard frowns. "I am sorry?" he doesn’t understand. Well, yeah, he can remember the touch, he can even remember being excited about it but Kaidan’s reaction doesn’t make any sense to him. He didn’t abuse Kaidan in any way. He just wanted to wake him up.
"You touched me. And I hate being touched," Kaidan elaborates. Not that it helps Shepard much and Kaidan probably senses that. "I have some sort of haphephobia," Alenko confesses and his shoulders sink with resignation while he turns his back on John. Shepard thinks about that. He probably didn’t hear about haphephobia before or about Kaidan having any psychological issues like that. He doesn’t know… well, at that given time he doesn’t know anything but lots of thoughts run through his mind.
"So…" John starts carefully, not wanting to insult Kaidan by saying something inappropriate. "You hate to be touched," he repeats Kaidan’s own words. Then an obtrusive idea enters his mind and Shepard speaks it aloud. "How the hell did you survive basic?" he asks and Kaidan laughs unhappily and turns around to face his CO again.
"Well, I clenched my teeth and held on," he discloses his well-kept secret. Shepard laughs also and wants to clap Kaidan shoulder when he realizes it is very bad idea and lets his arm fall down abruptly.
"That’s useful skill to maintain," he says instead of that but the awkwardness is already spread between them.
"That’s okay, commander. The bare skin is the worst. I won’t put you on flight again because of the simple touch. You startled me before and I was still drowsy when that happened. But I assure you it won’t happen again," Kaidan states firmly and Shepard nods. Then, for sake of both of them, he changes the topic.
"Why did you sleep in mess-hall anyway?" he asks Kaidan and his LT seems to be relieved.
"Adams was snoring terribly and I had felt my headache was coming so I went to the mess-hall to wait until the pain-killers would kick in. I intended to come back but I fell asleep and then… Then you woke me up and…"
"We don’t need to speak about that," Shepard interrupts Kaidan.
"Don’t we?" Kaidan asks, definitely surprised. "Well, thank you, commander. That’s means a lot," he adds and Shepard smiles faintly. But Kaidan is Kaidan so Shepard is not surprised that he doesn’t take the easy way out of it. "We will. I mean we will talk. Just… Later, okay?" Kaidan asks carefully and Shepard nods.
"Dismissed," he gestures toward doors and Kaidan snaps to attention and gives Shepard impeccable salute.
"Aye, aye, sir."
And then he is gone and Shepard is looking behind him thoughtfully.
* * *
They are heading to Ilos.
John is sitting at his terminal, writing a report. Or he is doing his best to do so, as his mind is trying to comprehend the latest events. Things went pretty crazy pretty fast. First human Specter stole a prototype warship, kidnapped its crew… He shakes his head to banish such kind of thoughts. It doesn’t make any sense to ruminate on conditions of their departure now. Again. And it doesn’t make any sense to pretend that he is working if everything that he is capable of right now is to contemplate about Kaidan.
Again.
He still can’t believe he didn’t notice Alenko’s touching issue. They were close each other very often – in the shuttle, on the battle field, even in the damned slow Citadel elevators – and Shepard is sure he did touch him earlier. Thus…? And he hears his LT’s voice, once more telling him that the bare skin is the worst. Well, there is probably some difference between bare skin and armor, right?
Bare skin, pale and smooth, Kaidan’s naked body…
There is a hissing sound of opening door and Shepard turns around, expecting Kaidan coming through the door of his personal cabin. But can see nobody. Shepard stares at closed doors, confused. He considers a possibility that his mind is playing tricks on him and decides to take a rest. He is up for more than 48 hours and they should fight Saren soon. In his current condition… He won’t compromise his mission or put his squad in danger just because he is too stubborn to take a nap.
Shepard gets up only to take few steps and lie down on his bed. He keeps telling himself that there is nothing he can do to prepare for whatever they can face on Ilos, so he can rest for a while as well. He closes his eyes and then there he is again. Kaidan. They haven’t spoken about the incident since that day but Shepard spent all his free time looking for all available information about his secret lover’s issue on Extranet. He feels miserable. For Kaidan. For himself.
He rolls over on his right side, then on his back and back on his right site. No, he won’t fall asleep this way. Shepard sits up and takes off his boots and pants, undresses his shirt, keeping on his boxers only. Then he lies down again and covers himself with blanket. It is soft and warm and the feeling makes Shepard dream about Kaidan anew, while he starts to touch himself without even noticing it.
He fantasizes about Kaidan while slowly falling asleep but this time the picture tastes bitter and it hurts. He knows he will probably never touch Kaidan again. Not even will he hold his hand. And definitely he won’t stroke his flawlessly cultivated hair, won’t kiss his perfectly shaped lips, won’t squeeze his solid body… won’t fuck him to matrasses. He won’t…
Shepard gives a sigh from his sleeping. And deep inside his soul he knows that all his dreams about being together with Kaidan stay what they are now.
Dreams.