Archive of Our Own

“cabin crew, please prepare for takeoff.”

it wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

the aircraft begins her smooth acceleration down the runway, and off she goes, takes off into the sky. jimin’s ears get blocked due to the change in air pressure, but that’s not a big deal, all part of his vocation. he’s already guided passengers to their seats, shown an elderly lady to the lavatory. successfully carried out the safety demonstration.

besides, this captain would do a good job at flying at landing. he’s sure of it.

“ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. you are now free to move around and visit the lavatory if needed. however, we will alway recommend for you to keep your seatbelts fastened while seated.”

he hears the hum of movement, the unbuckling of metal, the murmurs of the entertainment systems halting as the announcements are being made. he can see a shift in the movements of the passengers, the stretching, the reclining of seats.

“in a few moments, the cabin crew will be coming around to offer you dinner, as well as hot or cold drinks of your choice. alcoholic drinks are also made available, at a nominal surcharge. please enjoy the rest of your flight, and do not hesitate to call for our cabin crew should you require any assistance. thank you.”

it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. 

he goes around with his dazzling smile, pushes the cart full of food and beverages, beaming as he asks the pretty lady sitting by the window seat if she’ll take a bibimbap or the western option today of cod fillet and pasta. would you like any tea or coffee to go along with your meal, ma’am? juice? the kind sir besides her shakes his head and compliments jimin’s bright countenance. he tells jimin they’ll both stick to the water cuplets provided. you guys provide great service, the man kindly tells him in native satoori, this is why i love flying with korean air the most.

jimin accepts the compliment with grace, head bowed with rosy cheeks. you flatter us, sir. thank you for your kind words and patronage. is there anything else i could get you? the man says no, and once more thanks him for being so friendly. jimin later realises he had helped the couple with their baggage, and gotten him another pillow for his back. 

“good morning passengers. this is your captain jeon jeongguk speaking, and once again, welcome aboard flight KE1013 with korean air. we are bound for incheon airport in seoul, and the weather is clear, at 16 degrees celsius this morning. we are lucky to have such good weather today, for the flight to have been thus smooth. we are currently cruising at an altitude of 32,000 feet at an airspeed of 410 miles per hour. the time now is 7:45am, and we should be expecting to land in seoul approximately ten minutes ahead of schedule. until then, please sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the flight. thank you.”

he was not supposed to be meeting jeongguk again like this. this was not what he had envisioned entirely when he ended his contract with japan airlines, only to work with korean air. he was not supposed to fly with jeongguk on his thirteenth flight in this new company.

as he gets his rest, the passengers all busy with in-flight entertainment or catching up on sleep in this red eye flight, he thinks of the past. he thinks, and thinks; until he has to make the in-flight announcement.

“ladies and gentlemen, as we start our descent, kindly ensure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. please ensure that your seatbelts are securely fastened, and all carry-on luggage or baggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. our cabin crew will be going around once again to do a thorough check, and please be reminded that your immigration cards are filled in to ensure a smooth procedure at the customs. thank you.”

needless to say, when they reached their motherland, jeongguk’s jaw had dropped. so his suspicions were right- he’d dismissed it as a trick of his eyes, a common name and surname in combination; 

but how could he ever forget that familiar face?

jimin had gotten even more ravishing- he’d completely disappeared from jeongguk’s personal bubble, and the latter had no clue what he was up to all these years, apart from hearsay from old friends from university when they occasionally met. he saw how friendly and alluring and attractive jimin has blossomed into, so prettily bidding goodbye to the fellow flight attendants. it’s a well-known fact that jeongguk has always been mesmerised by jimin’s every move since back then.

it isn’t just jeongguk alone- jimin too was in shock when he saw the roster list for the flights, and now even more so taken aback to see him in reality. jeongguk has gotten even bigger in physique, and even more handsome. he still has the doe eyes that jimin fell in love with, had a hard time trying to forget. he’s always been so very in love with the man that’s right before him now.

needless to say, on both accords, the heart clenches and the stomach churns- but no, they’ve already safely landed, so it’s neither attributed to airsickness nor turbulence.

“jimin- please- after collecting our baggage and the customs... would you like to have a quick meal? something light?”

he sees the way jimin’s eyes flicker, wander to anywhere else other than the entity named jeon jeongguk- 

“you said you didn’t want to see me ever again,” jimin swallows, memories of that one date seared in his mind, the exact image of that day all too clear, “you said i was distracting you from what you really wanted in life.”

when jeongguk just stares at him, mouth agape and not knowing how to answer, jimin walks off. he tries to pretend the sour taste of bile in his mouth isn’t there. tries to forget that he’d just exposed his own unhealed, re-opened weakness to jeongguk himself.

seven years after their break-up.

it was supposed to be just a casual dinner with colleagues.

“joon-ah! i’m here!” hoseok waves, running into fellow captain namjoon’s arms, giving him a big smooch. “eh? wait, isn’t this jiminnie from dance? fancy seeing you here!” 

hoseok gives him a warm hug, recognising the familiar face. they were part of the same dance crew in high school, before hoseok decided to teach at a dance academy full time instead of furthering his education.

“you knew jimin from dance?” jeongguk cocks his head to the side, a staple in every team dinner, “then how come i didn’t remember you from seoul national..?” his words trail off, ending in a confused pout as he stuffs his mouth with kimchi. hoseok’s been a regular when it came to colleague and flight team dinners, as namjoon’s plus one, but nobody knew much about him other than the moniker of ‘captain kim’s trophy boyfriend’.

“joon-ah, did you not teach your co-pilot manners?” hoseok jokes, a man of propriety, “if jimin’s a year younger than us, shouldn’t he be older than you? wouldn’t it be jimin hyung?”

“a-ah, that’s alright,” jimin waves his concern aside, using his chopsticks to grab some pajeon for him, “we… we go a long way back. it’s complicated.”

“seok-ah,” namjoon very obviously nudges him to avoid using such a conversation starter, whispering into his ear, “they used to date in university.”

“now, still? oh, exes-!” after namjoon clamps a hand over his mouth, shooting him a majorly passive aggressive glare, does an apologetic hoseok finally get it. coming to realisation, he starts pushing the banchan towards them both, wearing a sheepish heart-shaped smile. he’d been comfortable enough with both of them- often babying jeongguk too, when namjoon was being a meanie, and he loved hanging out with jimin in the past- that he’d dropped any sort of first-meeting cordiality. “sorry, sorry- i’m starving, thank goodness the jjamppong has arrived! yay! gimbap!”

dinner proceeds with small talk overlapping the void of the awkward conversation, other close members of their flight joining soon after. 

maybe transferring back to korean air was a mistake. maybe foreseeing conversations like these were the reasons he chose japan airlines back then. dinner proceeds without any further hiccups, ends with a cheers to a more successful flight season. jeongguk finds a random excuse to walk jimin to the subway station.

“would you feel better… if i called you jimin hyung?” he softly asks, white puffs coming from his mouth in the chilly night. “i apologise if it made you feel uncomfortable- i just-habits, i guess,”

jimin’s expression is unreadable as he shakes his head, continues to march forward like jeongguk had only asked for the time. “it’s alright. i’m more particular when it comes to strangers, that’s all.”

but aren’t we practically strangers now?

“okay then.”

they walk side by side in silence, hands shoved into their coat pockets, until they bid each other good night after tapping into the gantry. 

just as colleagues politely would.

honeymoon period, they said. 

“jimin ssi and jeongguk ssi have been together for so long, but why do they still look like they’re in their honeymoon phase?”

we dream of travelling the world together one day, they said.

“i promise to fly us to the moon, jimin.” jeongguk had said.

you two won’t last, they said.

“me and jeonggukie are in love! we’re nearing our anniversary, too.” jimin had said.

maybe they were right, whatever they had said.

“i don’t need you, jimin.” he had said.

it was jeongguk’s only regret, to have ever said.

he acquiesced to the small catch-up that jeongguk has been so insistent about. 

jeongguk finally learns that jimin’s disappearance was due to his relocation, moving to japan to work for japan airlines. his parents had been supportive, without a doubt- he’d met them on multiple occasions, and mr and mrs park were very encouraging and nurturing parents. 

“my father had to transfer to the kyoto branch of his company, so everything worked out just fine, thankfully.”

jeongguk shares that he did graduate from pilot school as the best of his batch, and jimin feels a smile twitch on his face. good on you, my little jeonggukie. you made it. with the help of his cabin crew instructor, jimin had no problems adapting to his new lifestyle there, picking up japanese as well as acquiring the best posture and cordiality possible.

half-way through, he made a silly joke, and due to how unpredicted it was, it made jimin laugh.

he’s still the charming little fairy with the precious laugh and cute smile. the same smile that jeongguk had fallen for years ago. even as a rookie pilot when times were hard, he’d think of jimin- and push on through those tough times. i promised to fly you to the moon.

“but why did you become a flight attendant? i thought the motion sickness-”

“got used to it,” jimin brusquely cuts him off, wanting to get out of the current predicament as soon as he can. he couldn’t possibly deny such an innocent request for a small catch-up, especially since they’re officially colleagues now. but now, this whole agreement to a meal made him so uncomfortable; it brought back far too many unwanted memories, memories he’d wanted to suppress for as long as he could afford to.

jimin still looks stunning as ever, especially in that little ascot they wore on special seasonal days, together with his charming, pretty smile. and he’s still that cute height, just tall enough for jeongguk’s lips to graze his forehead. jeongguk doesn’t know he’s wearing such a despondent smile, thinking that maybe if they were to cuddle in bed, maybe jimin’s size would fit perfect in his arms for neck kisses. a perfect little spoon. the perfect proportions for a back hug. he doesn’t even know why he’s having such thoughts- these should have been sealed away, locked away in a forbidden fortress with all his memories from seven years ago.

jeongguk could tell that he was so highly strung up, tense to the point that if he had touched jimin by accident, the latter wouldn’t even crack- but instead disintegrate and fizzle into pixie dust. 

“then why did you become a flight attendant? with your stellar results you could’ve-”

“initially, i hoped one day we could meet again.” jimin quietly says, so quiet jeongguk almost misses it, if not for his keen ears, rapt with attention at all jimin has to offer. “i hoped one day we would meet again. on the same flight. then- then it kinda became an occupation. and now…”

how could jimin tell him that he was just so afraid he’d break down all over again, falling into a slump like those bitter blue months after jeongguk left him? after he had so brutally cut him off and blocked him out completely after he called for a break up that was unrequited. 

“i’ve always loved to travel,” jimin adds quietly, softening. soft as he always was, for the boy in his heart that had big dreams of becoming a pilot one day. the boy that held his hands and kissed him and promised that he would take jimin some place on his flight.

it wasn’t apt for jeongguk to say anything, so he sips his drink in silence, watching as jimin numbly stares at the ice cubes in his coffee, melting them under his intense gaze.

“jimin-ah! you left your box of postcards here!” taehyung hollers, using his bare feet to kick them to the side, gently. “i almost tripped!” 

“i’m so sorry!” shuffling over in his slippers, jimin manages to help him with the balanced easel and palette in his hands, amidst the other brushes and paint pots and artsy paraphernalia. he allocates them so easily, and it makes taehyung laugh. “please allow me to help you with your carry-on baggage, my handsome sir.”

“i’m lucky to share my apartment with a sexy flight attendant, hm? he can help me with my all my heavy duty baggage!” jimin just tickles his chin, follows his instruction as to where to place his canvas.

“change of air?” he asks, always up to date and rallying for taehyung’s creations. sometimes, when the right inspiration strikes, he requires peace and quiet for days, getting into the zone for yet another magnum opus. living with a flight attendant does pose its pros and cons- cons being not able to cuddle with jimin and have silly conversations while stargazing or cooking ramen together. simple things like that- but he’s thankful for facetime and video calls.

“yep. i’m trying to embark on still life today! too many portraits… anyway, why are your postcards in the kitchen? still thinking of him, jimin-ah?”

“well-” he stops short, fingers tracing over all the diverse postcards of different countries and provinces, printed and painted on varying mediums. some had the sceneries of renowned landmarks, some just pretty souvenirs. some from art museums. some from the villages, or had unique watercolour designs.

but they all had one thing in common, other than being classified as a postcard: they were all filled, unsent, and addressed to the same person.

living in a shared apartment with taehyung, who is a budding artist starting to get attention for his wildly different takes on the world and art, meant that he would really get excited to see jimin’s postcard collection for the inspirations and tributes, but also happen to chance upon a few of the elegiac, melancholic notes that jimin had penned when he were at that time and place, a foreign area. of course, he did mail home some of the postcards that he thought taehyung might take a fancy to, and it had sweet heartwarming messages on it.

but still- absence does make the heart grow fonder, does it not?

nevertheless, it’s always a comfort and joy to reunite with each other.

“missed you, jimin…” taehyung whines as he leans on jimin’s shoulder, “why do you have to fly those long, long flights! and for so long! and you come back and think of another man! not me, the kim taehyung!” he looks so devastated that jimin has to hold him tight and laugh. “long haul flights are tiring, so we try to arrange them as compact as possible so i can have a longer accumulated break, taetae. i’ll be here for a while now, don’t worry-”

“hmph! all those nights i had to stuff myself with all the food because someone was not here to share the ram-don! not here to share cheese tteokbokki-”

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry-” jimin giggles, giving him a kiss on the forehead to pacify him. “better? let’s eat out today, shall we?”

“but the postcards- have you kept your polaroids? wait. the mystery person you’ve been brooding about… is it...?” he points to the box, well-aware that they both know who he’s referring to. on off duty days, where jimin is finally able to wear his chic accessories again (he really laments steward protocol sometimes), taehyung knows that he has covered every finger in various rings before, save for one finger.

the very stylish jimin, taehyung proudly proclaims in his head, does not wear rings on the fourth finger on his left hand. it’s a TMI that taehyung has the privilege of observing and keeping all to himself. jimin never blatantly mentions who he's keeping it empty for, but taehyung and him both know.

“it doesn’t matter!” taehyung grins, hooking his tiny pinky in a bid to cheer him up, “let’s go eat something yummy! i’ll treat-”

jimin is so grateful for such a wonderful individual like taehyung.

lately, they’ve been glued to each other’s sides, diagnosed as jimin-deprived and taehyung-deficient respectively. thankfully, jimin’s long haul schedule in europe has ended for now, and he has at least a month in seoul before possibly flying off again.

“i’m going out with him tomorrow night.” jimin confides in him, leaning against his shoulder. today, they’re going to eat ice cream while doing a movie marathon. “for some drinks.”

“will you be okay, jimin-ah?” taehyung’s voice is so soothing as he plays with jimin’s hair. their bond is something that far supersedes one of best friends- and yet they were each other’s rock and anchor, but not in the sense of lovers. a makeshift home, found in a person. it’s really nice. it’s comforting to know that they can avoid certain terms and names and the other will still know the noun that they’re skirting around. it’s nice. it’s really nice.

“i know you- and i was with you through some parts of those dark days-  and it would kill me to send you into one of them, if i knew i had the power to stop you, like now.”

jimin pulls him into a tight hug, sinks into his touch- the touch of a very perfect platonic soulmate. he knows exactly what taehyung means, as much as he’s been critiqued for an odd way of speaking what he thinks and feels. jimin just thinks his mind is really unique, really special. taehyung is a very precious individual to him. 

mr vante, as amazing and mature as his works have been, is a very good boy at heart.

“don’t worry… i’m not afraid-”

“are you sure? you can do whatever you want min, i’ve got you- i just don’t want you to be sad.”

“but now i have you!” jimin boops his nose cutely, letting a giggle worm free, “it can’t go that wrong, can it?”

“call if you need anything. i’ll be here.” taehyung grins, poking at jimin’s chest as if to say, i’ll be in your heart, too, when you need a listening ear.

they should’ve known that- as exes from a long time ago- that drinking would still be a bad idea. 

it was jeongguk’s suggestion, initially, well-aware that jimin could hold his liquor unless he continued with the alcohol past his own tolerance. since it was a common thing to do, drinks an irreplacable part of their culture, it would seem normal, right? just asking an old friend, an ex-boyfriend, a nice hyung from work out for drinks at night.

jimin has known from past experiences that jeongguk has an average tolerance, but he often drinks for social reasons or just to get drunk. then again, times have changed, habits could be gained or altered- what they remembered of each other could be a complete lie within half a decade. 

it’s a nice bar that yoongi has brought him to before, knowing the bartender that works there. some way or another, they touch on the topic of relationships, sitting next to each other on the high bar stools, too close for comfort; occasionally their fingers would brush as they reached for a napkin, reached for some snacks- maybe their thighs had touched when changing sitting positions, shifting their weight. sometimes they’d steal a glance, hoping the other wouldn’t notice.

so close and yet so far.

“so… no boyfriend after me?” jimin breaks the silence, staring at jeongguk after he downs his glass of alcohol straight in one shot. he has a smile forced on his face, and it pains jeongguk to see such an expression. although jimin is very beautiful with every movement of his facial muscles, he looks forlorn and tired with such a smile, and it makes his heart ache.

“not really,” jeongguk answers, looking down at the finger food they’ve ordered to share, “had to fly and train a lot because i was really eager to learn the ropes and stuff.”

“i see.” the silence washes over them once more, deafening to them in spite of the loud incessant chatter, the white noise coming in the form of background ambience music. 

“and you?”

jimin’s next drink has arrived, and he gulps it down again, to half its volume, before answering vaguely.

“couldn’t get over someone.” down goes the next half of the liquid.

“s-someone?” this was jeongguk’s first mistake. was that someone him? did jimin see someone else after him? there was no way someone as exquisite couldn’t find another lover… did his lover do him wrong? again? like jeongguk did-

“another, please.” jimin points to his glass, signalling to the bartender. they fill up the rest of the blanks speaking about work, about how their colleagues were. some of their circles had overlapped once more; did you know this friend from university had become an award winning writer? and that professor in the science department had retired over a scandal? hm. did you see the reunion photos? oh, you saw our school belle’s wedding photos too, right? shocking, i know- who knew she’d fall in love with that type of sunbae? remember that guy from taekwondo? oh yeah, i heard so too… 

jimin drinks with a tipsy consciousness; jeongguk drinks with conscious inebriation. either way, it doesn’t begin well.

“do you remember when you said you wanted to go to tokyo? and i told you i’d fly you there one day- and that we would to celebrate our four year anniversary or whatever-”

“we didn’t even make it past two,” jimin quietly sobs, biting hard on his lip, he knows that page in the travel diary all too well- page 13. the page with the doodles and magazine cutouts and the subsequent page of all the popular landmarks and tourist attractions they had so innocently hoped to visit together. he remembers how he wanted to make jeongguk promise to go on his birthday, as the page number suggested, but the latter had insisted on a more significant milestone. jimin still keeps it dear to him, in the drawer beside his bed. still takes it out occasionally to flip at it, look at their penned dreams as a young couple.

“we never made it past two years, jeongguk. you didn’t want me anymore- so stop bringing up the past and let me move on.” fresh tears erupt from his eyes, rolling down like little pelts of raindrops, “i beg of you. please.”

“then you should stop bringing up the past too,” jeongguk murmurs, trying to extinguish the fire that he himself had lit, that he himself had been set ablaze as a casuality, in repercussion as time slowly trudged on. “i know i said terrible things to you- things that were so mean and hurtful and i was selfish and egocentric and a fucking piece of shit; i don’t know what the hell baby me was thinking letting you go like that- i must’ve been insane to say i never loved you; but i can tell you now that i want you, i really do.” he catches jimin’s sobs, hugs him tightly as jimin lets the litany of tears freely fall, a huge burden lifted off his lithe form, and seeing the amount of pain and worry he caused makes jeongguk’s voice crack, his eyes water in equal measure. 

“do you mean it? it’s just the alcohol talking, silly.” jimin sobs, staring into his eyes in earnest, then staring back at his glass, sleeves wiping off his tears. “i only have one heart that i tried to put back for years, jeongguk- i swear if this is considered some casual on-flight hookup or a short haul date i won’t hesitate to cut you off-”

jimin is like the water body that flows in the ocean, the vast sea. jeongguk is the waves of that counterpart that crashes against the shores. jimin is the serenity as you bike down the han river to clear your thoughts. jeongguk is that warmth of a cup of hot choco by the heater on a rainy day.

they may have kissed, they may have not. it all became a faded memory, a thought, a blunder.

jimin drinks with a tipsy consciousness; jeongguk drinks with conscious inebriation. either way, it doesn’t end well. 

they stay till the small bar chases them out, needing to close at midnight. they’ve had their fill, a definite drop too much- drunk and giggly and too close for comfort, hitting too close to home and yearning and repressed desire.

they stumble their way, relying on equal grounds to support each other’s weights, and a hazy-minded muddle of two buzzed and inebriated brains direct them to the nearest mode of accomodation. they drunkenly make their way to the reception, paying for a night- it’s not uncommon in these love hotels to see a wasted couple of the same gender, a pair or even a group, to spend the night in a heat of the moment folly, a one night stand of heated passion.

the somehow make their way into a room, with a spacious king sized bed, after god knows what instructions they had requested at the lobby. 

either way, they fumble towards the washroom- splashing cold water onto their faces, taking a cool bath, feeling nauseous, feeling pained; everything was just filled with so much emptiness and nothingness that it was hard to recall something that was present. it was all a whirl, a rush, a dive, a fall;

then the lingering pain creeped in when morning came.

it’s 3:33am in the morning.

jeongguk is still next to him, on a shared bed. he’s fast asleep, but there are so many things that jimin would like to ask, to clarify. he recovers quickly from the previous night’s hangover, the remnants of whatever mess it had coalesced into. he’s woken up to use the bathroom, and he does so with a heavy heart, with heavy shoulders weighing him down.

how do you do that with your eyes?

you know it gets me everytime-

i swear i wish i could read your mind,

because i ask the same question every night.

he lies back on his side, fondly stares at jeongguk’s face. he remembers that pretty beauty mark under his lower lip, at his nose; remembers the little scar on his left cheek from when him and his elder brother were fighting for the remote as a child.

“who are you? you’re not the boy i fell in love with-” he tenderly allows his hands to wander, ghost against jeongguk’s cheek ever so gently and lovingly, moves down to his neck, his arm; he’d missed this particular human being far more than he’s liked to admit.

jeongguk’s eyes have been hardened by ambition, hands roughened from years of flying and training and the shifting of controls and gears in the cockpit.

something has changed- you’re not the same, i hate it-

as he settles back next to his place in bed, he desires to do something that he wouldn’t have rationally chosen to do- there was no way he could ever allow himself, when conscious in the day, to ever do something like this. it’s so small, but it means the world to him.

he meticulously grabs jeongguk’s hand, careful not to wake him up. he knows jeongguk wakes easily if he’s tickled, or his chest is touched.

but the spaces between jeongguk’s hands never changed- for they were made for jimin to hold, made for his smaller hands to perfectly interlock with his.

these choices and voices, they’re all in my head- sometimes you make me feel crazy, some times i swear i think you hate me;

no, he shouldn’t be softly sobbing to himself, indulging himself over holding the hand of his ex from years ago. he shouldn’t be doing this. he should never have joined korean air after his tenure in japan ceased.

“i don’t need you, jimin.”

i need a walk, i need to get outta here- 

“i’ll only love you, jimin.”

feeling hypnotised by the words that you said- don’t lie to me, i just get in my head-

“who are you?” he cries, a shaky whisper, holding tighter onto jeongguk’s hand.

this is what we could’ve been- but you threw it all away.

“i miss you, jeongguk. come back home-”

i plan to love you all my life-

until you meet your chariot.

jeongguk was his sun- bold and fiery and passionate and always so very excited to take him out on dates, to proudly boast of his sketches of jimin to the muse himself. jeongguk was also his moon- someone that held his hand in the darkness, guided him through the blackness so he wouldn’t trip and fall. he was the reliable, soothing circular rubs on the back personified. 

jimin wishes he could kiss him one last time, and then run away, disappear for good. but he’s afraid he may no longer have such an honour of doing so, instead chooses to press a chaste peck to jeongguk’s nose- so very endearing and special to his pretty features.

i’m sick of waiting for love- maybe you’re not the one.

it’s 4:30am in the morning.

jimin is still next to him, on a shared bed. he’s fast asleep, but there are so many things that jeongguk would like to ask, to clarify. he’s woken up as per his body clock, having a penchant for early flights. he was even nicknamed the ‘pilot who doesn’t sleep’, after that record of surviving solely on energy drinks to game and watch videos to his heart’s content for a week, after a long haul flight marathon schedule in the states. he’s a responsible pilot that takes his job and the lives of passengers very seriously, so there’s no compromise when it came to flying.

as he adjusts his weight on the mattress, he finds their hands interlocked tightly, wondering if it were all a dream, if he had done it on his own, a manifestation of his own inner thoughts in the wild throes of passion deep in the night. intertwined just like how they’d fallen asleep when they were dating, even if it were just a nap. they’d always be stuck to each other like superglue, finding solace in each other’s presence. 

he remembers how jimin likes the am, the ante meridiem- likes the early morning between 1 and 2, where it’s neither too early nor too late. remembers that they have 3 matching beauty marks; remembers the small scar at the edge of jimin’s right eye, from when he fell and hit the toilet seat when he was younger and got eight stitches for it.

what would i do without your eyes,

the way they look at me and mine;

and when your smile creates that dimple in your right cheek.

he notices is that, it’s so very cold- and jimin is sleeping with his face buried into his pillow like a tiny kitten. on instinct alone, he presses a kiss to jimin’s knuckles, like he had done everyday in the past. he wishes he could have the luxury of looking at jimin’s eyes- the prettiest eyes in this entire universe- up close.

your fingers are mine,

as they intertwine-

you’re telling me words unspoken...

our fingers align,

as they intertwine-

you break my heart wide open...

jimin was his sun- so very bright and colourful and radiant and dazzling; jimin was the butterflies in his tummy when they kissed, he was the home cooked meal that jeongguk yearned for after a tiring day. jimin was also his moon- his muse, his stroke of serendipity, his austere, modest serenity.

“we’re going to last forever, jeonggukie!”

these choices and voices, they’re all in my head- sometimes you make me feel crazy, some times i swear i think you hate me;

he so very badly wants to kiss jimin’s lush lips, but maybe those pretty lips were no longer his to kiss and worship;

so he settles for a chaste peck against jimin’s little nose, so terribly endearing when it turns pink in the cold.

i need a walk, i need to get outta here- 

“i miss you, jimin. come back home-”

it’s a quarter past nine when both of them are formally awake, jeongguk with his eyes half open, jimin with his eyes closed.

it doesn’t come in the form of an alarm or a repeated snooze- it comes in the form of a loud vibration from jeongguk’s phone, an incoming call that reverberates against the wooden nightstand. the first thing jeongguk does is pick up, seeing the familiar contact name. the second thing he does is cast a glance at the sleeping angel beside him, in the same bed at long last.

when the morning comes you’re still in my bed- and it’s so, so cold.

jimin’s already awake- but he figures he’s better off pretending to be asleep. he’s sensitive to sounds, especially as soon as dawn breaks. it’s part of his circadian body clock, to wake at the oddest of hours to get ready for early flights. when jeongguk’s phone buzzes, he rouses, but stays still to avoid any awkward situation from turning into reality.

“hey, mornin’ hyung… nah, not occupied at the moment… yeah, got a lil’ drunk and stayed the night with a random hyung. checked into some hotel, nothing much…” jimin’s heart pangs as jeongguk’s grovely morning voice groggily answers the phone, with god knows who on the other end. “ah, yoongi hyung’s comin’ too? yeah, no problem,”

spent the night with a random hyung.

the words keep echoing in his mind, as if he were a second option, a backup plan; a mere pawn in an opening gambit for a bigger prize of checkmate.

you’re not the boy i fell in love with.

“yeah… gotcha, i’ll be there for lunch. gotta leave a note for the hyung that spared me the accommodation… mhm, see you later!”

why do they call it a love hotel, when there’s no love to begin with?

“are you sure jimin is going to be okay? why did you say such things, are you sure he didn’t hear-?”

“i wanted him to hear.” jeongguk gravely whispers, and silence in trickles between them, then comes as a flood.

one sips of water, the sizzling of meat, eleven chews. two pairs of eyes staring at him to break the silence.

“jimin… i know he sleeps with his left fist clenched. he's been doing it since he was a child.”

yoongi eyes him weirdly, munching quietly as seokjin feeds him a leafy ssam with meat inside. he swallows it with pink cheeks before retorting. “huh. jeongguk, as much as we have piloted together, i don’t really see how this relates to-” 

“his left palm was open, next to my pillow- as if he were trying to reach for me. and yet-” his own breath hitches and he shudders as he wells the spring of tears well up in his eyes. he dismisses it as the raw onions hitting the barbecue grill. “and yet i so heartlessly turned my back onto him once again; and this time quite literally.” the words leave him as a hiccup, and he grabs a tissue to dab at his eyes. the ventilator meant for the grill must be broken. “but i need his heart to die before i can make anything better- so that maybe i can find a suitable guy for him, to make up for my mistakes and make amends that-”

“jeongguk, are you stupid!” seokjin tells him, “what if jimin still wants you? only has eyes for you? why didn’t you ask him to stay or something? to talk things out?”

“why would he?” jeongguk tries to smile, eyes betraying him right away, “why would he still want to be with someone as selfish and cruel as i am?”

“i agree with seokjin hyung that you played an idiot move.” yoongi says after a shot of soju, “but you’re clearly not as unbothered as you think you are, kid.”

“isn’t that why you often go out drinking with yoongi and namjoon to mope about it? you’re going to hurt the poor boy again, you dummy-” seokjin looks very affected by the situation, his softened frown conveying how much he empathises with jimin. “i mean- i’m not trying to carry tales or play a double agent here, but let’s just say that i’ve heard that jimin most definitely isn’t over you.”

“you keep telling us you want to move on, jeongguk.” yoongi pauses to hold his hand, as if to show support, and seokjin grabs his other hand to show some encouragement too. “but do you really think you could? do you really want to move on? you don’t have to tell us, but be fair- be honest to yourself.”

“actually,” seokjin clears his throat, “i mean, i know we kinda became neighbours, living in the same apartment complex and things- and with yoongi being a pilot for korean air too. but i assume you’re aware that before i settled down with yoongicchi and my small businesses, i lived in japan too, right?”

“uh-huh.” jeongguk gulps down some water, shoves food in his mouth so he won’t say the wrong things again. “if i’m not mistaken, your jimin and my jimin add up to be the same jimin.”

“huh?” both yoongi and jeongguk exchange confused expressions before turning their gaze to seokjin. yoongi gets up, heads somewhere. he probably knows whatever seokjin is referring to anyway. “t-that is! gosh, stop staring at me like that, i will turn red- i mean that the jimin that i told yoongi about, the one i trained when i worked as a cabin crew instructor? ah, yes, jeongguk. my star student from my last batch of trainees. it took a while, before i realised that that same jimin from japan airlines, is now the same jimin that you are head over heels for in korean air.”

“you worked for japan airlines? how come i didn’t kno-”

“that’s how i met my yoongi! damn it, why did he have to visit the washroom now- if yoongi was here he would support me!”

jeongguk only laughs when seokjin pouts, and picks up a generous portion of grilled meat for him to distract himself from everything else. yoongi comes back and is showered with more lettuce wraps, fed an empty clam shell just to make the atmosphere lighter.

“you know, jeongguk… you always have loved and looked out for him, still. i’m not sure if you know that, but as an outsider that has witnessed both of you in the same environment, i’d say you’re still very much in love with him. the extent and details of it, however, is not my place to speculate.” yoongi gently tells him when the food is finished. “even namjoon and hoseok- y’know, after the team dinner? forgive us for speculating- but we all agree you look at him all soft and different.”

“who says i even think about him or look him!” jeongguk fires back, far too defensive than if he were to be as entirely unaffected as he had claimed on multiple occasions. seokjin and yoongi turn to give each other a knowing nod, as if this outburst had confirmed their suspicions that jeongguk had exhibited all too blatantly.

“it’s not like… i still love him…” he feels he sounds daft, as he slowly sounds it out, the denial leaping out at him, gnawing at his insides. “right..?” 

nobody gave him the answer to the rhetorical question.

“jimin! there are flowers for you.” namjoon hands him a beautiful bouquet as he enters the office, having bumped into the delivery man at the entrance. he provided his signature since the sender was anonymous.  they’re required to do paperwork today, instead of serve on a flight. both jimin and namjoon have gotten closer, being sorted into the same flight team for three consecutive flights now. they got along really well, even discovered similar hobbies and books that they read. soon, they planned to go cycling by the han river to relax on the weekend.

“oh! thank you, captain.”

it’s a heavy bouquet of tiger lilies in his arms, glorious blooms smiling at him.

“the flower isaac?” jimin reads the name card, signed off anonymously from an admirer. he frowns. “that’s the same shop in gangnam that he-” jimin pauses his own murmurings, recalling that these flowers seemed familiar.

“jeongguk?” namjoon had so very gently prodded, adroit at treading the lines between concern and intrusive. he was a very good captain and team leader, and jimin often felt very at ease under his care.

“yeah.”

“forgive me for being a little candid, but if you have the time, i hope you can take the chance to patch up with jeongguk. or maybe just come to a truce, be it whatever that has come between you two. hoseok and i have talked about it in passing, and we agree that something is bothering jeongguk, although he doesn’t budge when we ask. i agree that both of you are professional, yes, and jeongguk’s still in tip-top condition on flights, though- just that once captain jeon departs from the airplane, he behaves all different. especially when it comes to you.”

namjoon gives jimin an encouraging pat on the back, and jimin tries for a reassuring smile. the bouquet obnoxiously looks at him, vies for his attention.

please love me, the flower chart had said when he searched it on naver, tiger lily, birth flower for 1st september.

of course he’d known that it was a certain someone’s birth flower- it was the meaning that had slipped his mind. he numbly stares and touches the bouquet for as long as he can. it was the first flower that jeongguk had given him, when he had so diligently courted jimin.

p-please love me! jeongguk had said so cutely, and how could jimin have resisted giving him a peck on the cheek?

but that was years ago-

and now the orange lily blossoms in his hands smelled so very lovely.

“is that chikorita?” namjoon casually asks, pointing to jimin’s bicycle, and jimin looks surprised that he would know of such an embarrassing thing. why would a grown man even name his bicycle? “oh no, please don’t misunderstand, i think it’s cute! i name my bonsai plants too, if it helps.” 

the dimples have always been very reassuring, somehow. 

“but how would you even know the name of the bicycle!” jimin laughs, “it’s only our first time biking by the han river-”

“ah, that’s because i wrote it down on my schedule, and jeongguk saw it in passing- he mentioned that if jimin ssi did not get a new bike from the old days, it would be called chikorita.”

the anecdote only served to confirm to jimin the sender of the bouquet.

it was so last minute, that the only person he could think of would be jeongguk. taehyung was busy tending to his exhibition details, and had been very understanding in spite of the eleventh-hour call that jimin had received. he would take too long to reach the airport by public transport, and there were no taxis in the vicinity. with such short notice, already 2am in the morning, jimin would definitely decline, save for the fact that the replacement had occured due to a fellow cabin crew having emergency family matters to attend to.

his heart thumps, in appreciation that jeongguk had so readily agreed to come down to fetch him and take him to the airport, and it thumps in fear, and ambivalence.

“do you remember? when we’d go on night drives… at midnight, on a road to nowhere,” jimin trails off softly, nostalgia washing across him as he halts when he lights turn red. his smile turns into a wistful one as jeongguk remembers, too.

“we’d wind down the windows, and you’d yell ‘hello world! i love you!’ and it was one of my fondest memories back in university and-” jeongguk swallows, not knowing he’d been smiling as he fondly mimicked jimin’s carefree proclamation to the world outside.

“and you’d put one hand on the steering wheel, one hand on my thigh,” jimin chokes, barely a whisper, feeling his eyes moistening, “and when the lights were red you’d-”

a flash of green blares as they turn to look at each other, reliving their past memories together like it were a movie drive-thru.

“and then i’d kiss you when the lights turned red,” jeongguk softly murmurs, eyes training back on the road to avoid eye contact, “and you’d giggle into the kiss and tell me to put safety first.”

jimin swallows as jeongguk recounts it, the lovely, lovely times that they had spent and shared and savoured.

“stop. i don’t want to hear it-”

“and look where we are now,” jeongguk whispers, stopping at yet another red light, “it was us on a road to nowhere, talking big dreams and travelling the world- and we’ve achieved the occupational goal, haven’t we? it’s just… maybe-”

maybe we aren’t meant to be.

“i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have brought those things up.” jimin looks out of the window the rest of the journey, and it is a smooth ride. he reaches the airport way before the stipulated time, enough for him to freshen up again and get another coffee.

who are you?

“thank you for the ride, jeongguk. i owe you one. have a pleasant week ahead.” jimin’s slipped back into his model flight steward mode, every upturn and twitch of the corners of his eyes and lips calculated and trained; his smile plastered on is one with genuine artificiality, and jeongguk’s heart pangs, something clenches and something constricts- has he become just another passenger on jimin’s long haul flight? just become another pilot that happens to be working the same shift, board the same plane? just another colleague, another co-worker?

your greed will kill you, he remembers how jimin had joked in the past when they were young adults, punching his chest playfully. maybe he was too stupid and naive to realise what he had in his hands all along, and so very easily let him go, slip right through his fingers.

but now, jeongguk has a change of heart. he wants jimin back. he wants jimin back all to himself and his alone. wants jimin back not as a friend, a friendlier colleague, a fellow worker under the same flight crew;

he wants jimin back as a lover.

as fate would have it, their flights kept clashing there after. 

jimin was in hawaii when he was in seoul. jeongguk flew to canada when jimin was on vacation in paris. jimin was part of the cabin crew heading to norway when jeongguk made a stopover in the philippines. jimin was in back in seoul when jeongguk co-piloted to germany.

the jet lags and unplugged gaps and lack of sleep and the ache of pining just deterred them from doing anything more. due to the peak season for winter vacation and new year’s celebrations coming up, golden week and what not, it was almost impossible, even if they wanted to, to meet up physically. they simply- or what each of them had concluded to themselves- would not settle for a virtual call, something intangible. it would be too surreal, feel like a dream all over again.

jimin, i’ll be flying from seoul to new york and then to paris, during the new year period. he wonders why he’s typing this to jimin- who knows if he’s currently on a flight, or resting back home? or what time zone and what he’s doing at the moment? there’s quite a long stopover in new york. this is my flight number.

honestly, what was he even thinking, expecting? for all he knows jimin may never see his messages. or jimin could’ve seen them and chose to ignore them. or-

he stops thinking when he feels his phone buzz. 

i’ll be in new york during the new year countdown. 

he blinks as he reads the message over and over. what does this mean? is jimin serving on a flight? is jimin going to meet him? is this a hint for reconciliation? 

he falls asleep, all thoughts and head full of jimin.

“captain jeon, we have to board now.” his co-pilot for this flight tells him, “why do you keep looking that way? are you expecting someone?”

“no, i’m not,” jeongguk lies through his teeth, evidently distracted by his consistent stare at the entrances to the departure hall, “yeonjun ssi, five more minutes, please-”

“we have to board, captain- we can’t allow whatever slipshod reason it is you are harbouring to delay the passengers’ flight! that’s pure selfishness on your part-”

with a sigh, jeongguk does feel some of the guilt sink in, reminds himself of professional protocol he ought to uphold. he should be ashamed that he needs to be lectured by a pilot younger than him, without quite as much experience as he does just yet. he tugs on his pilot bag, ready to enter the gantry.

“jeongguk!” a unique shrill jeongguk has been waiting for makes him perk up, turn back at once, “jeongguk, jeongguk!”

“jimin,” he breathes, and it’s only then when his co-pilot realises why jeongguk’s been behaving like this all day, restless and antsy and nervous all the way, stemming up to 7 hours ago. “you came,”

“sorry. i stopped by duty free to get you your cologne and lip balm. it only sells in here in new york, remember?” he’s dressed in a saint laurent turtleneck, paired with a sparkly balmain sequin jacket. he smells lovely, and has on his dangly chanel earrings that the usual flight dress code would not have allowed. and of course, jimin’s favourite pair of chelsea boots. he looks so beautiful. as dashing as he knows he looks in his pilot uniform, he- altogether with anything and everything- fades completely when jimin is around. jeongguk wishes that he could’ve bought more time, to marvel at his beauty, his existence.

there’s so many things he would like to confess, to say.

“jimin, i-”

“captain jeon. we need to go.”

“save it for later- every second counts when it’s a flight, even now.” jimin smiles, but it’s a regular smile- not one for customer service, but neither is it one of pure radiant joy. “have a safe flight, captain jeon.”

he takes off and lands safely, but jimin was on his mind the entire flight.

there’s this small coffee shop, a hidden gem discovered by jimin near their university, and for some reason he sees jimin there, in comfortable black coat and sweaterpaws from a dark green turtleneck and a maroon beanie. he’s changed his prescription glasses, too. jeongguk watches from afar as jimin takes occasional sips of his coffee- he’s sure that even if they weren’t lovers, but still maintained as good friends, or broke off on cordial terms, jimin would’ve whined about not coming here as often. he’d tell jeongguk he’s sad that he never got to bid the granny running this traditional coffee shop goodbye, having retired and letting her grandchildren take over. he’d lean on jeongguk’s shoulder and say that he loves the homeliness of this place, run his fingers through his hair as he laughs, kicking his feet up in the air as jeongguk proceeds to make a joke. and then jeongguk would leave- go to the flower shop across and buy him a rose, and kiss him silly.

because that’s exactly what he did seven years ago.

staring at jimin, absorbed in his little world, a delicate glass bowl full of beautiful dainty flowers- jeongguk was reminded of how he fell in love with jimin’s warmth, smitten by the sheer beauty and poise he exuded. jimin was his everything, his muse.

jimin’s reading romeo and juliet yet again, and jeongguk knows that’s one of his favourite things in the world. he’d gifted him a limited edition paperback print when they were in university.

until he had said those hateful, hateful words, blinded by ambition.

“oh, fancy seeing you here, captain jeon.” only when jimin strides towards him, grabbing an apple pastry as takeout does jeongguk realised he’s been at the corner, spacing out.

“what were you thinking about, jeongguk?” when jimin tilts his head, jeongguk’s heart thuds even faster, and he wills it to calm down. jimin’s just in front of him, but he doesn’t know how to react. “i- i happened to be sitting across so-”

“i see. you looked so absorbed! i just wondered what was on your mi-”

“you.”

he sees jimin’s eyes widen, hears him gasp. doesn’t realise jimin had been holding two brown paper bags, had shoved one into his hand, a complimentary sweet treat just for him.

“i apologise, i must get going.”

he’s often thought that it wasn’t jimin that was slow- but the world was just too big and fast. but maybe, now the tables have turned.

as he stares longingly after jimin’s shadow, he feels an odd intuition that he’s seen the outfit before. but with jimin in blonde hair, not his natural hair colour required of flight attendants.

if he has, it must mean that jimin loves the outfit a lot, or the outfit has a significant memory. he doesn’t know that jimin was, indeed present in his midst in that exact same look- at his congregation ceremony, under the pretext of a best friend’s graduation.

“jimin, lately there’s been some things bothering me, and i wanted to talk it out with you.” they’re the latest two left in the headquarters, after yet another meeting regarding flights and rotation of aircraft and management teams. jimin had been discussing something with one of their head staff, and jeongguk just found random excuses to remain dawdling in the office to wait for him.

“what is it regarding? work?”

“no, no- about… about us.”

jimin looks hesitant as jeongguk stares at him with imploring eyes.

“please?”

with a sigh, jimin gives in. gives in despite everything internally screaming at him to say no. maybe taehyung would have chided him too, but he’s off to france for an art festival.

“you can come to my shared apartment tomorrow. i’ll send you the address.”

jimin quickly ushers him in, pours him a glass of citrus tea. the bouquet that jeongguk was hiding behind his back was too lively and intrusive behind him. he already feels the impending dread, the amount of withheld and suppressed emotions and feelings that he’s afraid might just spill out today.

“jimin- could we maybe- just go back-” the bouquet of tiger lilies in his arms are like licks of flame staring back at him; taunting him for so very cruelly yelling at jimin that he was standing in his way to a better future, that jimin was irrelevant in his pursuit for a career as a pilot. that he never loved jimin, and had only counted on him for his notes and study material, that he had dated jimin for the thrill of dating the man everybody wanted.

but he lied. the tiger liles stare back at him, haunting him, for all those nasty, vile words he had said in order to drop the heaviest weight he carried.

the flowers were for jimin- they were always for jimin.

“to what?” jimin looks at him, eyes glazed over, as they sit on adjacent couches, “to our golden days? days when you told me that i was your world? when you promised that you would only look at me?” his lips are trembling as he speaks, hands on his lap clenched tightly. 

please don’t let me cry, please- get yourself together, park jimin.

jeongguk had initially very nicely asked him out for a meal, along with the implications of catching a movie together, something to do together, taking advantage of the fact that they were both home in seoul concurrently, with no present flights planned. but jimin wanted the chaos to be contained, and insisted on his and taehyung’s apartment- he feared that things would spiral out of hand in public.

“jimin, you know i was- when i said those words i meant them- i swear to fucking god, i-” jeongguk runs his hand through his hair in exasperation, jaw clenched, and jimin can see the torment in his eyes. “and then i got greedy-”

“we both got greedy.” jimin quietly corrects him, staring at the carpet on the floor. “you were greedy for ambition, as i secretly was, too- but more so i was... greedy for love.” as soon as the last syllable leaves his chapped lips, jimin feels the wetness spill from his eyes. “my father was right to tell me that greed alone can kill a person. i’ve always listened to his words. so why did i not listen when it came to you?” he laughs in irony, tosses his head back to face the bright light, feel the bright lights of the faux chandelier on the ceiling illuminating his face. jeongguk doesn’t respond, hands mid-outreach to caress jimin’s face, embrace him, hold his hand, catch his tears- but his fears pull him back. 

one wrong move and they might tear apart all over again.

“but i want you jimin,” it’s as soon as he steadies his heart, tells himself to reach deep within himself, does he realise how hollow he’s become ever since jimin left and took all the colour away from his life. “but i still want you.”

the tears start rolling down his face, and it hits him that despite how much he’s said and done, how hard he’s pushed and pulled and chased and chastised; it’s always jimin that’s been braver and stronger between the two of them. no amount of pilot school could’ve prepared him for this, could it? as he sinks to the ground, squatting in the middle of nowhere, covering his hands in his face, he knows, he feels- that someone is doing the same. 

“don’t cry,” is what jimin sniffs, voice utterly broken as he speaks, tenderly using his thumb to wipe away jeongguk’s tears. “fuck, stop crying- it’ll only make me feel like i’ll be making the same mistakes i did back then. again, and again. all over you.”

as jeongguk hears jimin speak, with so much truth and honesty and rawness that it hurts him; and yet it brings him warmth and comfort to know that he’s not alone. he pain and hurt that he’s felt, jimin must’ve, too.

“do i- do i, in any point of the future-” jeongguk hiccups, takes a deep breath as he finds the courage to hold jimin’s hands in his, both of them splayed on the ground, enshrouded and engulfed by the other’s presence, enough to fill the void of everything else. “still have any chance left to be with you?”

he hears jimin’s breath hitch, a very audible gasp; he didn’t see such a situation coming. sure, he knew that jeongguk was headstrong and strong-willed and obstinate when it came on his ambitions and bucket list goals- but he’d never envisioned such a question would come.

he doesn’t know why the tears won’t stop.

“w-what kind of question is that jeongguk?” he tries to play it cool, heart erratically palpitating once more, awkward laugh kicking in as yet another defensive mechanism. “why would you ask such a-”

“answer the fucking question,” jeongguk grits through his teeth, eyes scrubbed red, fire in his gaze. “i don’t give a fuck if it’s a one night stand or a fling or some- i don’t know- just a relationship that gives us a romantic partnership- is there- is there such a chance?”jimin can see, as the tears individually drip down jeongguk’s wide eyes, how desperate he’s become; with every word and every heartbeat he can see and hear and feel jeongguk fighting for him, fighting for any chance to be with him.

and it hurts. it hurts so fucking much.

“jeongguk, i-” he’s rendered speechless as jeongguk takes a step closer, grips his hands tighter. “please, jimin- one last chance, please, i beg of you- but that time in new york- you came to see me, right? and when we-”

“i owed you one for my ride to the airport! of course i had to reciprocate the favour-”

“so you’re saying that… that it was never a hint you wanted to get back together?” the more jeongguk speaks, the more it tears jimin up inside as jeongguk struggles to get his words out, eyes so very earnest and voice shaking with everything he has to offer. “that you’ve completely gotten over me? look, please accept my bouquet- please love me, jimin-”

“stop! stop, no-” his heart so very badly wants to give in, as he tosses the tiger lilies to the coffee table, brings jeongguk’s face close to his, turns to cup his tear-stained cheeks. he feels their foreheads bump into each other and their eyelashes so close, lips just millimetres apart. then he feels jeongguk’s large, warm hands gently cradle his face, as if he were holding an exquisite specimen, a prestigious porcelain figurine kept in the museum; and he feels himself melt into jeongguk’s touch, meld into it without any prior hesitation. 

i’ve always loved you, didn’t you know?

“i’m scared,” is all he shakily breathes out, and he sees the distraught in his own eyes mirror in jeongguk’s, sees the anguish and regret and remorse that both of them carry. “jeongguk, i don’t want to allow myself to wallow in such a lonely and painful situation anymore… i don’t want to go through something like that again-”

he feels jeongguk’s lips tenderly crash against his; and it somehow felt right.

when jeongguk kissed him this time, it didn’t feel like butterflies, as it once did- it felt more of a cocoon of comfort, of nostalgia, of ease; watching the petals of a flower unfurl. watching a tiger lily bloom in the midst of a bridal wreath. 

it felt very much like waiting for something to happen, and then getting angry that it didn’t come true within days- only for it to come around years later, when you had completely forgotten that wish you made on that shooting star.

“if i could do it once, then i can do it twice- i don’t want to ever, ever-” his words fade away when he sees how hard jeongguk is biting down on his lower lip, eyes shimmering with so much valour and raw honesty that jimin feels like he would give up anything, anything at all to go back in time, maybe undo somethings so that they would have remained high school sweethearts and somewhere along that perfect timeline nothing as silly and melodramatic and painful would’ve come along.

“i’ve always loved you,” jeongguk chokes out, “i’ve always-”

“i’ve always loved you too, jeongguk- and that is why i’ve decided to go back.”

“what? go back to where? to what- i don’t understand what you’re saying-”

“you don’t have to worry much longer, jeongguk. i’ve made my decisions.”

“what decision?” jeongguk immediately presses, a hint of bewilderment and jumpiness. “you’re confusing me-”

“i’m leaving the country for a month or so. took a long leave of absence from work.”

“what? why? was the promotion not good enough? did they not treat you well?” he can see that jeongguk’s frazzled, as he previously was; “why do you need a break, jimin? aren’t you our airlines’ star employee? why would you just-”

“i need a break from you.” jimin bluntly tells him, looking straight into his eyes. “i’m underperforming and pressured and scared because i have the chance of meeting and facing you with every impending roster and flight. i’m heading back to japan. i don’t think i’ll have the heart and energy to-”

“but how will korea air function without you?” jeongguk says back, frown on his face, as if jimin had said something extremely contentious, “how will our airlines-”

“oh come now,” jimin waves him off, a slight laugh falling from his lips, “we have dozens of flights a day, and i’m clearly not on all of them. not even a third! i’m sure the airlines will do fine.”

the tears shimmering in jimin’s eyes look like glass shards that have lacerated his heart. it hurts, and he can’t stop his own tears.

“but-”

“if there’s nothing else, then i’ll be making a move first. i’m expecting someone else’s arrival tonight. please leave, jeongguk.” with a curt nod and slight smile, jimin heaves a sigh of relief, happy he’s gotten it out of his chest. he coaxes jeongguk, walking together and seeing him out to the door. see, jimin? it wasn’t as hard as you thought.

“when!” jeongguk suddenly interrupts his positive thoughts of encouragement, a beacon of light in all the melancholy he’s submerged in. jeongguk turns around, only to see jimin’s back heading for his own room. it seems he hasn’t moved an inch, still rooted to the spot, standing on his van gogh floormat. “oh r-right. i’m leaving in three days.”

“... i see.”

only when jimin’s princely shadow has departed, the sound of his slippers against the floor long gone, does jeongguk let out a whisper of his own inner thoughts. maybe he should’ve said something else. done something more. but he just couldn’t. nothing would move on his accord.

“but how will i function without you?”

“jimin don’t go!” he can hear the heavy thuds of jeongguk’s boots near him, hear the desperation and eagerness in his voice; it was easy to find out jimin’s flight, being an insider in the industry. in mere seconds, jimin feels his waist being ensnared by two all two familiar hands, back pressed against the comfort of another human being that he’s always wished would fit him, like two halves to a whole. the last piece to complete a jigsaw puzzle.

but jimin was always a centrepiece, one that would draw allure without even trying too hard. jimin was the glue that binds other people together- mediation and harmony fused into one, sprinkled with some empathy and sunshine and happiness. jimin was the light at the end of the tunnel. he would always remain at the center, be it of attraction, unbeknownst to him, or at the center to draw people closer, pull hearts together. on the other hand, jeongguk was a corner piece- not to say that he was discarded at the side, but more so of a sturdy, rock solid foundation. he was the framework to a jigsaw puzzle- a segment that most would outline first in order to fit in the rest to completion in a thousand similar pieces. jeongguk was strong, he was reliable- capable and even surpassing his own means. he would carry and support where he could, compassion and passion fused into one. 

and yet, now, with jimin’s back pressed against his chest, he felt jimin’s 999 pieces that he had kept and preserved for years, fit his one sole piece to reveal the majestic puzzle of a thousand.

“please don’t go.” he quietly sobs, burying his face into jimin’s shoulder, and he can smell the faintness of jimin’s natural scent, the smell of his shampoo. can feel as jimin hiccups, the two of them pausing in a moment, a freeze frame; a dreg of time stopped just for them, in order to admire the beauty and bliss of a completed puzzle.

“you know how the saying goes, jeongguk- once bitten, twice shy.” jimin’s too tightly encircled by jeongguk’s grip to run- and neither does he want to. it feels so nice to be held once again by the love of his life, an old flame; and yet the strings of his heart are tugging painfully. he wishes he could stop loving- but at this rate that he’s relapsing, it seems there’s no turning back. 

“you can take a break from work, a vacation, whatever- but please don’t leave me for good- don’t go back to japan airlines, please-” jimin only remains rooted to the ground, the way jeongguk had did three days ago. he wonders what was going inside jeongguk’s mind then- was it the same as him? was it also this painful?

“don’t worry, silly. i told you it’s a just a break from work, didn’t i? did you misunderstand? i’m not quitting or anything- the contract wouldn’t allow it anyway-”

“i’m sorry, i’m so fucking sorry,” is all jeongguk can whimper into his shoulder, and jimin feels his heart ache, twice as much as all the years of pining amalgamated; but if he were to give in, what if-

“i know you are, jeongguk.” but his words are empty, his eyes are downcast, dull. “if you’re referring to our falling out then, it’s because you’ve always known i take promises very seriously, don’t you?”

“i know- i do- and i’m sorry that i let you down-”

“hey, jeongguk, don’t say that,” it’s only in this moment when jimin whips around, eyes frenetic as he looks for jeongguk’s own, tears cascading down silently as jeongguk raises his head to meet his eyes. “it’s true that we’ve had certain conflicts of interests- but you’ve never let me down.” he tenderly tucks jeongguk’s fringe behind his ear. “you’ve never-”he sees his own vision getting blurred as his voice cracks, but this time, it’s jeongguk’s hands that are there to catch his tears instead of his pillow.

“i know you say it’s a break from work or whatever- but i couldn’t sleep- and all i could think of was losing you again- and letting you slip through my fingers again, in front of my very eyes-”

“we were apart for years, jeongguk. what are months?”

“i don’t want you to go- don’t leave me again, jimin.” he fumbles for his wallet, “just look- i bought a ticket on my own flight,” jeongguk tells him quietly, a secret he’s kept for years, “i remembered when you said that- that you wanted to be my first passenger, right? to support me?” he fiddles with his wallet with trembling hands, pulling out a worn out card-like boarding pass, wrinkled with time and age. “i still-”

“tell me i’m not dreaming,” jimin murmurs back, eyes welling up with tears as he flips his own wallet open. on one side of the card holder lies his identification card and his mother’s lucky dollar note from his childhood. the other was the polaroid that they had taken together, jimin wearing a faded orange puma track jacket, jeongguk in a black hoodie. the 13th of may. he knows he bought jimin flowers that day. purple and pink and red roses- jeongguk had bought the flowers and assembled the bouquet himself. jeongguk still remembers how they had kissed after taking the picture, and the thought alone makes him feel tears springing to life.

“jimin-” he swallows, before looking into jimin’s eyes, full of want and yearning and longing. jimin’s softened gaze, eyes filled with glistening stars in a sea of milk and honey, tells him that he’s anticipating his words, listening and holding on to every syllable he has to say. jeongguk grabs onto jimin’s hands, bringing them to his heart; and jimin can feel his heart palpitating so very erratically.

“i still keep the travel diary-” jimin chokes out, “the one that you- we- bought and doodled and planned our trips and where we would go and we places of attractions we would see- and i have- i bought and wrote you postcards; and i still have a whole photo album of them- i bring our polaroid with me so that- maybe you could’ve been there to see them with me-”

“jimin- for every stop i land at, i buy a souvenir- in hopes that one day, i dunno- i could give them to you? so that i could stupidly pin them on our wall? display the little keychains beside the travel map that we’ve always wanted in our shared study-”

“what’s the use of telling me this now?” jimin whispers, finding it so terribly difficult to pull away from such a magnetic, panoptic gaze. “so what if you realise you still love me? so what if we’re still hung up about our dream house? i’ve changed and-”

“you never changed!” jeongguk yells, cupping his face so jimin reserves his exquisite eyes, just for his viewing pleasure. “i’ve been an idiot and denying my feelings for you so if you could so very kindly-” he pauses to catch his own breath, stares deep into jimin’s pretty eyes. “-tell me honestly if you feel the same,”

“i don’t know- jeongguk- i see you in every place that i arrive at and i wonder if you’ve been there and flown there and whether you liked it- and if we could go there again together and i just- i can’t take it, jeongguk- my heart just couldn’t let go; why did you have to torment me like this-”

“i’m sorry, i’m so sorry-” is all jeongguk can say on repeat, as he holds jimin tight like he’ll never let go. “i’m so sorry for hurting you like this- please don’t leave me ever again-”

“do you promise?” jimin whispers into his ear, voice raw, so pure. “that you love me?”

“i promise, jimin- i will love you with everything i have, as i always have.”

“where d’you think you’re going?”

“wash up-”

“no, i’m not letting you go. no.” he holds jimin close to him at once, pulling him tight. he can feel jimin snuggle closer, giggle as he presses his lips to jeongguk’s shoulder. jimin’s eyes are still puffy from their meltdown at the airport. jeongguk’s eyes hurt too, but he thinks it’s because jimin has been too dazzling, and he’s unwilling to let jimin out of his sight. love can be blind, sometimes.

“i love you,” jimin whispers, nuzzling into his neck, “it would be embarrassing to say how long that i’ve dreamt to belong in someone’s arms like this- in your arms once more-”

“shut up, jimin.” jeongguk murmurs, morning voice an octave lower, “y’know what? i’m gonna love on you five times as much each day to payback for all that we have lost,” holding jimin like a pillow, he doesn’t need to say it twice to whine for another ten minutes in bed.

“please tell me i’m not dreaming,” jimin softly says, cheek pressed against his skin, and jeongguk has to lean backwards, arms still caged around jimin, to crack open one eye and shoot him an incredulous look. “you are in my bed wearing my shirt while i’m shirtless and we just slept together. what ‘bout that seems like a dream?”

“jeongguk-ah… you know i don’t-” he keeps quiet as soon as jeongguk presses a kiss to his forehead, ruffling his messy fluffy hair. “you’re my baby. the same as our varsity days. just that we have aged and i fly a plane and you serve on them. what about that?”

“i know, but it just seems so surreal that-” he lets out a moan when jeongguk starts nibbling on his ear to tease him. “s-stop that! okay- i’m not dreaming, i know-”

“shh, let’s sleep.”

he can hear jimin giggle into his chest- something he totally forgot about, completely missed its existence; but now that he recalls it, experiences it once more after a time lapse- it makes it so much more precious and endearing.

“i love you more, jimin.”

“shh, let’s sleep.”

jeongguk presses a loud exaggerated kiss against his neck, the way their heights were meant to be, and it makes jimin laugh knowing that he’d mimicked jeongguk’s sleepy words previously. so jimin tickles jeongguk in retaliation- and they lay under the sheets, love in their hearts and butterflies in their tummies.

the same feeling he’d felt seven years ago.

“jeongguk, you haven’t told me where we’re going yet!” jimin pouts as he pokes jeongguk’s arm. all he knows is that jeongguk told him to dress nicely- essentially jimin going out- and make sure he’s on time when jeongguk fetches him.

“why are we going to the airport! it’s off-duty hours, jeongguk… i thought we were going out on a date and i even wore a new-”

“i’m going to fly us to tokyo, jimin,” jeongguk bursts into tears, albeit a small smile blooming as he tenderly takes jimin’s hands into his, “i want to keep my promise to you. i will take you to tokyo with myself flying the plane.”

“you’re joking-”

“no, i’m not. and we’re not flying commercial. i got hoseok hyung’s permission to use his private jet.”

“but i haven’t packed! and i’m only wearing my new-”

“i’ve already packed for you, little love. you can buy whatever you want in japan. you speak the language fluently, anyway. just that, i’m flying us there this time-”

“like you promised?” jimin suddenly looks up, eyes shining with the large drops of tears pooling in his eyes. when he pulls apart from their tight embrace, he realises once more- jeongguk’s adorable bunny teeth, his sparkly galaxy eyes.

he’s looking at the boy he fell in love with, years ago in university.

“like i promised,” jeongguk smiles as he kisses jimin’s pink nose, “to fly us to the moon.”