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Cody let out a heavy sigh, nuzzling back into Obi-Wan’s hip. They were supposed to be on leave, supposed to relax and rest for once since this miserable war started. And he should be, relaxing that is. Here he was, snuggled against the man he loved in a warm and comfortable room in the Jedi Temple.
Yet-
Yet without the mind numbing exhaustion that came from the war, his thoughts always picked back up. He was fine when they plagued him like a distant storm on the horizon, but now he found himself caught in the middle of a downpour. No matter what he tried, he found himself unable to shield from the thoughts.
With a long breath, he turned, angling his head to press further into Obi-Wan, eyes falling close. Cody tried to focus on the soft sounds of cloth on skin, cloth on metal. The gentle whisper that signaled Obi-Wan had finished another loop. Obi-Wan never told him what he was working on, or for who, until he was done.
It warmed his heart, Obi-Wan making things for the 212th. Sometimes he would walk in on a small group of them watching intently, trying to learn from their general. It was something he loved about his general. The way he cared for each and every trooper as if they were individuals.
Cody didn’t notice when the soft scratches had stopped until a hand landed in his hair, brushing through softly, and jolting him out of his thoughts. He tried hard no to jump, but with his guard down it was hard to hold it in.
“Are you alright, love?” Obi-Wan murmured, continuing to stroke through Cody’s black curls. “I can hear you thinking from up here.”
If this were any other time, Cody would’ve responded with a short ‘It’s nothing,’ and moved on. But not now, not in that moment with the thoughts swirling around in his head. There was only so much he could take at a time.
“Why me?”
The quiet emission shattered the atmosphere in the room. Even the air seemed to still as both sat in the silence. For a moment, Cody believed time had really stopped, if not for the sharp intake of breath that came from Obi-Wan.
Regret, guilt and humiliation instantly pooled inside him. Cody felt his cheeks heat up as he began to pull back, apologies and explanations already spilling out of his mouth. He had to cover for his slip up, change the topic, leave, do something-
He shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t fair to Obi-Wan. And honestly, whatever reason he gave he couldn’t be 100% sure was real. Afterall, if you ask for something, people could easily lie. Tell you want to hear. It was also a moment of weakness he should have kept in, should have held back on. What was he? A cadet? A weakling who needed validation and reassurance in something he should be stable in. God, was he any good for Obi-Wan? Needing an answer, needing to have this conversation again .
Obi-Wan reached out, pulling him back down to rest against his shoulder. Staying rim-rod straight, Cody barely even dared to breath. Continuing to pet Cody’s hair until he calmed down, Obi-Wan held him close, comfortingly.
Ah. Well. It seemed too late to turn back now.
Cody tucked his face into the underside of Obi-Wan’s chin, letting his cold nose rest against Obi-Wan’s neck as he spoke, “I- I don’t see what’s so special about me, out of everyone. I don’t have different hair like Rex, or- or a different eye color like Trap. I don’t- I don’t have anything that sets me apart like some of the others. I’m just another clone, another one in a line of copies that were made to fight in this war. I’m-”
He cut off, choking on his words as he bit back tears. His cheek hurt from the force of it. But if he said anymore then- well. He still had some dignity he hoped to keep.
Obi-Wan let out a sharp breath, turning to press a kiss to the side of Cody’s head, “Cody-”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’ll- I’ll let it go and drop it.”
“Kote, no. That’s not what I was going to say.”
Cody shut up, swallowing around the knot in his throat. He gripped at Obi-Wan’s shirt tighter, hands starting to hurt from the effort. However, Obi-Wan didn’t seem to mind the painful pressure. He wouldn’t cry, not here, not now. Not when his brain wouldn’t shut up, not when it wouldn’t stop screaming at him, telling him he didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve Obi-Wan’s love.
Shifting, Obi-Wan pulled back to cup Cody’s face in his hands, blue eyes analyzed Cody’s face for a moment. Cody almost broke under the intensity of the gaze, unsure what he would say, what would happen from here.
“My dear,” Obi-Wan finally began, “you are so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
That simple admission broke him, tears spilling as Obi-Wan held him, keeping eye contact.
“Cody, you are so valuable to me. Not just as my partner, not just as my commander, but as my friend. You are more important than you realize. You keep me in the right, you’re not afraid to second guess my ideas, and you always have a backup plan for when mine goes wrong. Darling, everything you do, you do it selflessly. You try so hard to be there for your brothers.”
It was hard to remain keeping eye contact, everything in him was screaming to look away, to hide, to stop where this was going. But he couldn’t. He was held there, transfixed by Obi-Wan’s words, by his passion behind them.
It was the way Obi-Wan said his name, careful and delicate, like it was something to be cherished. The way Obi-Wan looked at him, so soft and understanding. And that was it wasn’t it? Obi-Wan understood how he felt because he too felt that way in the Order.
Cody broke down silently, tears staining his cheeks even if he made no sound. Through it all, Obi-Wan refused to let up. And, well, Cody couldn’t bring himself to move, to look away. Even if that little voice in his head kept whispering that he didn’t deserve this, that it didn’t mean anything, that Obi-Wan was only saying it to get him to stop whining. Yet in all the time Cody’s known him, Obi-Wan never said things like this that he didn’t mean.
“Kote, you are my world, my rock in the middle of this. Your name is Kote for a reason, you bring glory and honor to you and your brothers. You try your best for your brothers. You try to do the right thing even if it isn’t the easy thing. Kote, I chose you, over everyone else, for a reason. You’re important to me. Do not forget how much I love you.”
Cody hadn’t realized when Obi-Wan had slipped into Mando’a. He didn’t know when the tears had pooled into Obi-Wan’s eyes. But through it all, they stayed, foreheads pressed together, eyes locked as Obi-Wan poured his heart out.
Letting out a wet laugh, Cody buried his head in Obi-Wan’s chest, finally accepting the love. It wouldn’t be the end, it wouldn’t be the last time he had these thoughts. But for now, for now he could welcome the words of his cyare.