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It was her eyes.
Sooyoung yawned as she made her way out of her bed, which now felt so big and so empty. She snorted, thinking how pathetic it was for her. Yesterday, and few days before, she was still fine. So how could a week later Haseul’s eyes was the first thing that popped up on her mind when she woke up?
But as she brushed her teeth, Sooyoung knew it was her eyes that she couldn’t forget. The way she looked right into her. The way her eyes would disappear when she smiled at her. Sooyoung spat to the sink, as if trying to throw the bitter feeling inside her mouth, the one that came along with images of Haseul’s eyes.
Sooyoung glanced at her now too spacious room. Except for her unmade bed, everything else were on check. She cleaned her room regularly, tidying each corner every mornings and making sure there were no speck of dust anywhere. Things were different when Haseul lived here. She woke up when the sun’s already up—almost noon, making it impossible for Sooyoung to fold the blanket and stack the pillows tidily. It’d get messy again, Haseul would say. Unlike her, Haseul saw no point of cleaning their bed. It annoyed Sooyoung, sometimes. But she liked it. She also liked how Haseul would mumble before she fell asleep next to her, sometimes continuing to do so in her sleep. It helped her to go to sleep too. In fact, she kind of missed it now.
Sooyoung shook her head, pushing away the thoughts. If she continued thinking about it, she knew she wouldn’t stop. And it only a matter of time before she’d start imagining to hear Haseul’s voice. But actually, she was already there. Memories of when she had woken Haseul up in the middle of the night, all because she had a nightmare, flickered on her mind. She remembered how, with a tired yawn, Haseul had hold her trembling hands gently.
“I’m here. I got you. You have me, Sooyoung. I love you. And as long as I love you, I wouldn’t let anything hurt you. Everything will be alright.”
She said the same thing when things got bad and Sooyoung got really upset. Haseul wouldn’t let her go to bed feeling angry. She would reach for the taller girl’s hands, holding them tight before kissing Sooyoung’s knuckles softly to shove the anger away. And then Haseul would pull her into her arms, she’d put her chin on Sooyoung’s shoulder while stroking the other girl’s hair.
Sooyoung was shaking now but she got no Haseul to tell her things will be alright. Because things weren’t alright. Things weren’t alright since she didn’t sleep next to Sooyoung anymore. Things weren’t alright since her eyes didn’t disappear when she smiled at Sooyoung. Haseul had left and all Sooyoung could do was to watch her go.
She realized it now, why after a week of their break up it just occurred to her how beautiful Haseul’s eyes were. How beautiful the melodies Haseul created at nights. All beautiful things Haseul did. Because Sooyoung had try anything to forget how beautiful Haseul—her Haseul, once—was, but in the end, all she did was to remember.