Work Text:
“Mu Qing!”
No reply.
Feng Xin cursed under his breath and kept running as fast as he could.
The communication array was still silent from the other end and panic was slowly starting to keep company to the worry that was eating him alive in the last minutes while trying to reach out to the other.
“Mu Qing, please.” he almost begged, hoping that this time his attempt would be successful.
“Feng Xin” a voice resounded in his head all of a sudden.
His heart almost skipped a beat when he noticed the hint of pain behind it, even though the other was probably trying to not let it show.
“Fucking finally, where the hell have you been?!”
Silence.
It was unnerving really, because Mu Qing usually would have bitten back and the fact that this time he didn’t wasn’t a good sign.
He could feel panic creeping inside, twisting his guts, “What is happening over there?”
Silence once again.
He couldn’t handle it anymore. He almost couldn’t keep up. Usually he wouldn’t even feel fatigued that easily from running, he wouldn’t feel his muscle ache this much. He did run for a long time already, but if he wasn’t already worn out from fighting and having that suffocating feeling that constricted his chest, he probably would have kept up more easily.
“Don’t worry— Do...Don’t come, it’s fine.” Feng Xin heard again after a while.
Mu Qing’s voice broke mid-sentence, the pain being even more evident than before.
But after that everything went silent once again and Feng Xin couldn’t repress the uneasiness that slowly devoured him.
He attempted to run faster as if he could under those circumstances, but he tried anyway.
Hoping that everything was fine and that he was worrying over nothing was the only thing that kept him from giving out to those negative emotions and helped him to keep his mind strong willed, and so he tried to hide that panic and worry that made him almost lose it some minutes ago.
_
The scenery that welcomed him was horrifying.
His heart started to pump faster, and with his breath coming short from all the running he almost felt suffocated in this mixture of uneasiness and deep breaths.
The ground was full of both fresh and dried blood and many lifeless bodies were scattered here and there. But he still couldn’t see Mu Qing anywhere.
His legs almost gave up at the realization. Besides feeling fatigued, he also had some wounds that were bleeding copiously due to the huge effort he had to put them through without even trying to bandage them. He didn’t have the time to worry about them at all.
He tried to keep walking but his legs were heavy and wouldn't let him move. Feng Xin looked around frantically, his breath heavy and his mind unfocused.
He almost tripped, managing to stay up only by keeping himself steady before he could fall. But he still kept going.
“Mu Qing!” Feng Xin yelled at the top of his lungs, or at least he tried to.
No one replied.
His breath got heavier and he rested for a bit before trying to scream his name once again. But he still heard nothing in return.
He started moving, feeling disoriented, not knowing exactly where to look, running from time to time when he felt that his legs wouldn't give up completely at the sting he felt while forcing himself because of the soreness of his muscles.
He was preparing to shout again, hands ready at the sides of his mouth to try and make his voice stronger, but this time he froze on the spot after his eyes landed somewhere.
Feng Xin noticed some strands of grey hair popping up from behind a rock. His feet moved on their own and he started running towards that direction, but he almost regretted doing so.
What welcomed him was a badly injured Mu Qing leaning on that rock, almost lifeless.
His head was thrown to the side with dried blood coming out from both his mouth and nose, face full of bruises and small cuts, contrasting with a bigger one on his left cheek and his normal pale skin. His armor was cracked and at the end, near his abdomen, it was even broken. What was more horrifying was that the blade he got stabbed with was his own saber.
Feng Xin didn't know in what conditions the rest of his body was because he couldn't look anymore. He couldn’t bring himself to.
His mind was blank and he didn't move for some time. He barely managed to breathe and he just felt his body run cold at the sight, horror clearly painted on his face.
He fell on his knees in front of the scene and his hand trembled as he raised it to get it closer to the other, reaching slowly to his right cheek and touching it lightly.
Feng Xin forgot to breathe once again after he realized that the other was colder than usual, way colder and it was exactly what made him snap out of his panic-induced trance.
Feng Xin put both of his hands on Mu Qing's shoulders and shook him gently, afraid to hurt him but still trying to get a reaction out of him.
"Mu Qing!" Feng Xin said in a high voice tone.
Nothing.
He screamed once again, panic and grief so clearly printed in his voice that it was almost unbearable to hear.
Nothing changed.
He felt his vision starting to blur, not letting him see the other as clearly as he did before.
Feng Xin was trying really hard to keep it together, but he instinctively held Mu Qing in his arms and brought him closer. The latter ended up with a pair of arms around his torso and his head leaning on the brown-haired God's shoulder. Of course Feng Xin was careful not to put pressure anywhere.
"Please.. Don't leave me." His voice was weak, tinted with a tone that wasn't that familiar to him.
"Please don't."
His voice cracked this time, face hidden between Mu Qing's hair. Tears started falling from the corner of his eyes as he pulled him a bit closer.
The night had come to an end and the sunrise slowly started to paint the sky in different warm colors. But on the other hand, the side where Feng Xin found himself was still dark, the rays still hadn't reached them and he was glad. Glad because this one time, he didn't feel the comforting warmth those colors and the start of a new day would usually give him.
_
"Mom, I'm scared.. I don't want it to be like this," Mu Qing sobbed.
"Don't worry my baby, things will get better as time goes by." She reassured.
"What if they don't?" Mu Qing sniffed.
"They will, I know you're strong like that."
"I'm.. I'm really not."
"You are, son. You've already been through so much and it's not your fault if they don't see your many qualities."
Qualities? Did he.. Did he have any?
He was scared to return to Mount Tai Cang after what had occurred that afternoon. But he did know that he shouldn't let it get through to him, because it was what they wanted.
Mu Qing always knew that his life was never going to be easy, because he had to work as hard as he could for his mother, he had to work hard for them to keep on living. And now that he got that opportunity, he knew better than to give it all up.
He didn't think he could be that strong though, but he knew that he had to grit his teeth and keep on working as hard as he could and try to not let other things get to him as much as they did. Try to not fall when others wanted him to, try to not let it all affect him and maintain his mind focused on one thing: he had to do this for himself and his mother.
_
Mu Qing panted while leaning on the wall, sweat making his eyes nearly burn and his heart was beating almost too fast for his own good. He still had to work harder on keeping his breath and heart steadier.
Still, he felt a bit nauseous because he hadn't eaten anything yet and his body was starting to feel that, but he decided to push that aside and focus on other matters.
It was a bit too late and he should have gotten out of there already and he was planning on doing that expect, as he was about to get out, a punch hit him on the jaw, making him stumble and fall on the floor.
He heard laughter coming from all around him and while he laid on the floor with his eyes closed because his head was spinning too much, he instantly knew what was going on.
"Look, he brags so much and then he can't even take a punch! Ahaha how pitiful!"
Although Mu Qing was burning with rage inside at what had just happened, he decided it was best if he just laid there motionless until they got tired and went away. And that was what happened after they threw some other insults at him and got tired of it when they saw that he showed no reaction at all.
What was laughable though was that he pretended not to be able to raise even a finger when they were aiming at him, but when it was time for him to actually move again to get up from the floor he felt drained, his muscles not cooperating at all with his will.
He probably shouldn't push himself that much, but it was the only way to accomplish something, he told himself. It was the only way for him to get better. Otherwise all his struggles, all his hardships, everything he went through every day would have been in vain. And he couldn't let that happen.
After a few more minutes he managed to get up, but he stumbled again and if there wasn't a wall near on which he leaned in, he would have fallen on the floor once more.
What he didn't expect though was the retching that hit him unexpectedly.
He cursed in this mind after managing to contain the urge to throw up and he started breathing harshly, clenching his hand while trying to compose himself even if he was feeling anything but calm in that moment.
Luckily, after a while he managed to get himself together and he fled away from there, hoping to forget what had just happened like he always imposed himself to do.
_
"What the hell is happening here?" a loud and familiar voice echoed through the long hallway.
Mu Qing coughed again and didn't have the strength to try and check who it was, or even think to whoever that voice belonged.
But whoever it was, it was enough to make the trainers stop, and he noticed the fear that pervaded the face of one of them.
As if it was enough of a warning, they all ran away and left a beat up Mu Qing there.
He heard footsteps getting closer to where he was sitting on the ground, and only when a hand appeared in his field of vision he realised who the other person was.
"What's the meaning of this?" Feng Xin asked.
Mu Qing stayed quiet and turned his head to the side. He truly didn't know how to face the other right now.
Feng Xin took his reaction as an affront and retreated his hand when he saw that the other didn't take it, scoffing in the meantime.
"Why didn't you react? You could have taken them all out easily. What, you only know how to annoy me?"
Silence.
Feng Xin was starting to get irritated and it was pretty evident, but Mu Qing still refused to reply for his own good.
"Okay, don't say anything. But pull yourself together, you're being a nuisance to His Highness with all your bullshit." He spat before turning on his heels and striding away.
A nuisance, huh?
He smiled bitterly and slowly got up from the ground and stared into the distance in the direction where the other stormed off.
Maybe he was right, no he was totally right. It's not that he can't defend himself, it's not that he didn't have the strength or the ability to fight them. But he just couldn't.
But he also understood that the other couldn't understand him. He knew that they were different, knew well that while he was a nuisance, the other wasn't. He knew that the other shined in a different light, a light that maybe he could never find himself in.
Because with this attitude, what good was he? With this attitude, wasn't he just destined to oblivion, suffering in the deafening silence that he decided to lock himself into?
_
Mu Qing kept on running as fast as he could.
He wasn't running away from anything in particular and he didn't have any reason to. But his body reacted on its own.
Xie Lian's voice telling him to go away was ringing in his ears. Feng Xin's one was doing exactly the same.
He panted after stopping to rest in a deserted area in the woods. He tried to steady his breath while dragging his body to go sit against an oak tree.
He stared blankly in front of him, almost apathetically.
Was what he had done that wrong?
Yes, most probably. But he still hoped Xie Lian would have understood from the simple fact that he wouldn't have returned to help him at all if he hadn't cared about him. He wouldn’t have gone through what he did with them in mind if they didn’t mean anything to him. He wouldn’t have tried to not break down as he said those words with the steadiest voice he could bring himself to have.
Thinking back about it with a clear mind, though, he realized how wrong what he did was. Of course he fucked up when he turned his back on him — even though it wasn't on purpose or because he meant it — when he needed him the most.
Was he really that... useless? Did he really not know how to make one right thing, even when it came to the people he cared about?
Mu Qing let out a weird laugh that was actually closer to a cry the exact moment tears started to run down his cheeks.
He hugged his legs tightly to his chest and laid his forehead on top of his knees, trying to find a bit of comfort while he cried.
He really had been doing everything wrong, huh? He did blame himself for leaving them without giving a proper explanation, but what could have he said? That he was gonna try and ascend so that he would try and help them more than what he could do before? That he was willing to take the risk to give them supplies if he managed to? That they couldn't keep on going like they did when Feng Xin in particular always shushed him every time he pointed it out?
What was he supposed to say? That even though he himself was used to living in poor conditions with almost nothing he couldn’t tell the huge toll it was taking on them all? That living with the spit of money they made — not even every day — from working their asses off with that many people wasn't something that could work in the long run?
That he, being the one who kept the bag of money, stressed every day over the fact that he couldn't do something over it and that the other two didn't listen to his suggestions to make money more easily, sticking to their beliefs?
That he didn't spend every day worrying, and with the weight of having to wash clothes, run errands, cook food for five when they had enough food to do so and every other small thing he was slowly losing even more hope and that it all was destroying him?
Probably nothing would have changed, because he already made himself look like someone unreliable, cold and that takes advantage of the situation he's in.
Neither of the other two would be willing to even listen to him anymore, probably.
They probably hated him by now, if they already didn't do so before.
And he hated himself more for letting all of this happen.
_
He was slowly coming back to his senses. He felt like all the weight of the world was on his shoulders, his limbs feeling heavier than what he was used to until that moment and because of that, he didn't try to fully move just yet.
His eyelids felt also heavy and the light — probably coming from a window — wasn't helping at all. But after some time, he still tried to open them.
The light made his eyes burn and it took a lot more than he expected to get used to it and he managed to focus only slowly on what surrounded him.
Mu Qing felt a pang on his abdomen all of a sudden and he hissed through gritted teeth, deciding that trying to move wasn’t a good idea at that moment.
After he could clearly see what was in front of him, he saw something unexpected.
There were both Xie Lian and Hua Cheng looking down at him — the first with a worried and a slightly pained expression on his face and the second wore something between puzzled and indifferent, leaning more to the second one.
He blinked at them because he didn't know what made them look at him like that at all. But then he realized.
Oh.
Mu Qing felt dried tears on his cheeks. And to top that, he was probably sleeping before since he couldn't remember anything about what happened before that, so there was probably only one thing that could have happened.
"Are you alright?" Xie Lian asked in a gentle tone.
Mu Qing stayed silent for a while, before replying truthfully "I don't know."
He then looked down at his abdomen and memories from what had happened slowly came to him.
"Feng Xin saved you."
Mu Qing couldn't help but look at Xie Lian again after what he said.
He did?
Mu Qing didn't remember that at all. But honestly, he himself knew that the fact that he was still alive was a miracle. It wasn't that easy for a heavenly official to die, but they weren't indestructible either and he knew that his battle was a lost one before even starting it.
"Did it end?"
"Yes, we managed to get everything cleared."
Mu Qing nodded to let him know that he understood, then asked again "How long have I been like this?"
"Approximately... A week."
A week ?
That was longer than he expected.
"I see."
Everything went silent for a while, nobody knowing what to say exactly. He didn't know what happened or if he said something while he was passed out, probably yes and he wasn't that curious to know what considering the other two's expressions that welcomed him the moment he opened his eyes.
"Do you want to see him?" Xie Lian asked after a while.
He instantly knew to who he was referring to. And he honestly didn't know if he was ready to face him, considering how he was feeling.
"He's here?"
"He has been since the beginning."
Mu Qing got surprised at that and was left speechless.
It took him some time to reply, but eventually he said "..Yes."
Xie Lian knew that his friend was hesitant because he didn't know how to face the other, but he was glad for the reply. As hard as it was for him right now, he knew well how both Mu Qing and Feng Xin felt about the other, and he couldn't even believe how the two didn’t notice that when it was so clear.
Xie Lian smiled, "I'll go call him for you then!"
He stood up from where he was sitting and started walking towards the door, stopping to look behind him only when he noticed that Hua Cheng wasn't following him and was still standing near the bed with his arms crossed.
"..San Lang?"
Hua Cheng was looking at Mu Qing and the latter looked straight back at him, not knowing what the other wanted at all.
"Glad to have you back, grumpy broom," Hua Cheng said after what felt like forever.
Xie Lian turned completely towards the other two and had his mouth gape from the shock, because he did know that even if Hua Cheng mostly tolerated the other two and Xie Lian thought that they would hardly get along like he hoped to, he still warmed up a bit to them over the years. But he really didn't see that coming.
Mu Qing was left frozen with a frown and a confused look on his face from what he had just heard, completely shocked.
"Since when do you care?" Mu Qing scoffed.
"I don't, I just wouldn't have anyone to annoy as much as I annoy you anymore." Hua Cheng smiled fakely after he finished talking.
"Go fuck yourself."
"Oh, I don't think I have to do it myself." He turned to Xie Lian and winked at him, leaving the other completely flustered at what that insinuated and made him blush.
"Disgusting. Get the hell out of here before I kick you out myself."
He really wasn't threatening at all in his current position, but the other two didn't say anything before they left without adding anything else after that, Xie Lian being clearly embarrassed at the last exchange of words.
Only then did he get the opportunity to actually check himself: he tried moving both his legs and arms and even though he didn't feel as constricted as before, he still felt that he needed time before being able to move them. After all he was still recovering and on top of that he hasn't moved at all in several days. He decided that he would try to get up in an hour or two.
Other than that, the other evident thing was the huge wound he had in his abdomen, probably the almost fatal blow that brought him close to death, topped by all the other wounds he found on himself. A shiver made its way down his back at the thought.
Before he could think of anything else, the door opened once again and the first thing he saw was an almost panting Feng Xin in front of it. He swore that he almost looked relieved if it wasn't that Mu Qing knew better.
After staring at each other for what felt like hours, Feng Xin decided that it was time to finally enter the room and close the door behind him. He then went towards the bed and sat on the chair near it.
Things were still silent and each of them was waiting for the other to say something, something that wasn't said that fast.
"How are you feeling?" Feng Xin broke the silence after a while.
Mu Qing kept looking at him and noticed that the other looked more tired than the last time he saw him and he noticed the unusual marked bags under his eyes. He wondered why.
Only after he observed Feng Xin closely did he realize that he still hadn't replied, and when he was about to do so he was interrupted by the other.
"So you wanted to see me only to give me the silent treatment?" Feng Xin sounded irritated while asking that.
"I don't know."
"Huh?"
"I don't know how I feel right now."
Feng Xin wore a complex look and he still looked at him before nodding his way and going silent again.
The silence wasn’t awkward at all and both of them were glad for it. Mu Qing found it comforting in some way, because as much as he hated to admit it — even to himself — he felt a lot better with the other’s presence. Just that was enough for him.
But he still had a question that he badly wanted to ask, and so after some time he let the word slip from his mouth, “Why?”
Feng Xin put his gaze again on him and blinked repeatedly at him before asking with a confused tone, “Why what?”
“Why did you save me?”
Feng Xin was shocked, surprised that the other would ask such a question. He sort of always thought that Mu Qing still hated him in some way, he still knew that even after all those years and even if their relationship got better after the last battle with White No Face, his opinion on him didn’t change at all. But he truly didn’t think that he would ask such a thing.
“You ask me why?” Feng Xin sounded incredulous.
Mu Qing felt in a way that he hated, at that moment he felt things that he had tried to suppress for hundreds of years and he hated that. He hated how he felt his heart in his throat without being able to control that or stop it from happening.
He felt his face twitch while he was trying to prevent it from giving away what he felt and he ended up turning away from the other, deciding that it was best to face the wall instead while he forced the next question out.
"Don't you.. Think that I'm not worth saving?"
Feng Xin realized only then.
Was what he has been doing... That wrong that the other didn't understand?
"Are you serious?"
Mu Qing still refused to look at him and didn't reply to the question, and Feng Xin didn't really expect a reply to that.
"That was.. Years ago. And I've never hated you to the point of thinking that you're not worth saving, I've never really hated you at all. Yes, there were moments where I would have gladly punched the shit out of you but.. I didn't get you at all back then, okay? Things have been different from long ago. I would have saved you in any case, because yes you are irritating, I still don't get you most of the time but I don’t want you dead, I couldn’t handle that."
"I do admit that I did think that you abandoned us. That was the time where I thought I hated you for sure, but only after many years did I realized it was only out of accumulated frustration, I didn't know what was happening and I saw myself building a certain stability for some time before seeing all that crumble in front of my eyes. But.. I consider you someone dear to me too, and I thought you realized that by now, but I guess I was wrong."
It took some time before Mu Qing managed to register everything the other had said. His expression changed a few times from incredulous to insecure, to shocked ending with a huge frown on his face.
Feng Xin didn't hate him? Oh .
He stayed silent for a long time before turning again towards the other and looked him in the eyes. Like that he instantly saw how Feng Xin’s expression changed to an incredulous one.
Mu Qing didn't really know what face he was making for him to react like that, but whatever it was he couldn't help it anymore. He could feel all the restraint he had put upon himself fall loose at that single confession and all it took was to hear that Feng Xin didn't hate him like he had thought all this time.
He knew that he would regret it a lot for having shown this much, but he didn't care at all at that moment.
"I— also don't hate you," Mu Qing said in a sort of shaky voice, trying to compose himself before continuing. "I don't know if you ever doubted that, but I don't hate you."
Feng Xin looked pretty astonished at that, which just confirmed that he had guessed right.
He really didn't know how to convey things properly, huh?
But they both just realized that if only they had a talk, if only they had tried to get things straight before, there would have been less misunderstandings. Yes, Mu Qing admitted that he wanted to be Xie Lian's friend and Feng Xin was glad, because he did know that even after everything that happened and even if Xie Lian had been a lot enraged with Mu Qing for a long time, he just didn't stop caring about him completely. And to top that Mu Qing stated and even proved that he was being genuine about caring about him and really wanting to be his friend — leaving out the fact that Xie Lian already considered him as one, and he knew as much.
But between the two of them? They had never talked and got rid of any misunderstanding. And he had to admit that it was mostly his fault if they hadn’t.
So the surprise wasn't that strange for either of them, just.. They had been so stupid for all these years.
Mu Qing felt a bit overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because he cared about the other more than what he showed, more than what Feng Xin even thought and he was scared.
Of what? He had suppressed those feelings for so long, so so long and he feared to give them space and get hurt in the meantime, worried that they would lead him to an even bigger heartbreak once he let himself feel this much.
But what was he supposed to do now that he felt his heartbeat like that? Was it a good thing?
Probably not.
Probably Feng Xin didn't feel about him like that, it was already enough if he didn't hate him after all the misunderstandings they've had and he was conscious of that. And it hurt.
He came back to reality only when he felt fingers touch his left cheek lightly before having a hand completely laid on it. He couldn't help but enjoy the way the calloused skin of that hand contrasted with the soft skin of his cheek. His heart ached with it.
Mu Qing still got startled because he didn't expect it at all and he stared at the other once again, noticing a hint of worry through the irises that were looking back at him.
He noticed only then that a tear was rolling down his cheek, and he really didn't know what to make of it.
"Is something the matter?" Feng Xin asked in a soft tone, worry showing in that one question too.
And Mu Qing really didn't know if he was more surprised at himself and at how he was slowly losing control of his composure in front of the other or at the tone that Feng Xin used to ask him that.
Nonetheless he nodded, not knowing what to say. Feng Xin didn't seem that convinced but decided to not address it again and Mu Qing was glad that he didn't. He wouldn't have known what to say anyway.
His hand still stayed there and he started to draw small and invisible circles on it with his thumb and Mu Qing's heart trembled at that. He really made him that weak, huh?
The two stared at each other as if either one of them waited for something to happen, even if that something seemed a bit far out of reach.
Feng Xin swallowed hard on a non-existent lump in his throat while he looked — probably for the first time ever — at the other properly. He knew that Mu Qing was pretty, he knew that he had those refined yet soft features that made him look even more beautiful. He knew that he had long eyelashes that decorated his eyes and made him look even more stunning. He knew that he had the loveliest pair of lips. He was very aware of all that and the way his heart acted every time he looked at him for some years now.
But he never really took a look this close and he was just... Breathtaking.
He suddenly felt an urge that he wanted to repress the more he looked at him and he really wanted to restrain himself, to prevent from ruining anything and the peace they were in for once, but at some point, he couldn't help but ask "Can I?"
Just what did he just say? Can I? How would he make himself clear with just that?
Feng Xin felt a bit agitated after what left his mouth, but Mu Qing didn't react at that. He kept staring at him and stayed silent, lips slightly open as if he wanted to say something but didn't manage to get the words out.
What happened next, though, he really didn't see that coming. Because Mu Qing slightly leaned in — probably careful for his injury — and pressed his lips on Feng Xin's.
The latter widened his eyes at that and it took him a while before reacting and recovering from the shock. He slowly closed his eyes and he himself leaned in and pressed their lips together more firmly, careful not to use too much strength, wanting it to remain soft.
Mu Qing could feel his cheeks get warmer as time went by and he almost felt suffocated, but he didn't want to break the kiss at all.
They had to separate after some time to take a few breaths of air. And after Feng Xin noticed that Mu Qing was actually blushing his heart skipped a beat.
Mu Qing seemed to have noticed the way he reacted and, being conscious of how his body had reacted, he instantly turned away and humph-ed at him while trying to hide himself.
"Oh, now you're acting like this like it's my fault?" Feng Xin joked.
He got no reaction from the other at all and he decided to get up from the chair and sit on the tiny space available for him to sit on near the other and, without thinking twice, he wrapped him in his arms.
Mu Qing's body tensed at that and his breath got caught in his throat. A while passed before he got to relax again in the other's embrace and got a bit closer to him, bringing one of his hands behind his back to place it there and he put his other arm around his shoulders.
"I'm.. Glad you're still here." Feng Xin muttered after a while.
"Mhm," Mu Qing said back and massaged his back lightly, as if to show his presence even more in that moment.
They had a lot of things to talk about still and they knew that. But during that instant, they didn't care at all as they found comfort in each other's arms and, once again, for having made it alive and be there together as they always have been.