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hinata lies awake for a third night in a row. he hasn’t been able to get a wink of sleep besides 20 minute naps in the middle of the day when he was too exhausted to even sit up. he knows that it wasn’t healthy for him. especially when the heat in rio was getting more unbearable, not to mention training or simple games with friends or strangers on the beach.
pedro checked up on him any chance he got but it wasn’t enough when he was also experiencing hardships at his job, which meant seeing him in the apartment rarely. they passed each other at night and eventually in the morning if shoyo had enough energy to get out of bed.
nice came by yesterday to check up on him when she heard from heitor what happened. she came to treat shoyo as her little brother that she never had, being an only child in the family. when she saw the younger boy’s state she immediately realised it was a serious situation. nice didn’t say anything. she just smiled and gave the gingerhead the snacks she brought with her. they sat on the terrace for 2 hours, not saying much. the older woman mentioned a few things about her tiring job and after making sure shoyo ate, she said her goodbye.
he has yet to tell anything to his friends back in japan. he isn’t ready to face reality. the words said back then still hard to process.
it was hard to act as if everything was ok. even though he knows he was doing a bad job at keeping a happy façade, he still tried.
back in high school, he always wondered what was it like to be in love. to care for someone so deeply, to feel better with a mare thought of them. what was it like to feel the so called ‘butterflies’ in your stomach. he never gave a thought about what came after. the heartbreak.
he has seen people experience it. after all he was the one who stood all the way through it all next to hitoka. he knew, first hand, what it looked like. the sadness and anger it came with. the loud cries and wailing after the rejection. her cursing out the older woman who broke her heart. the acceptance of heartbreak after a few weeks of blonde haired girl being so lost. he had never seen her in a state like this even when she was experiencing anxiety attacks before tournaments.
so why wasn’t it the same for him? why all that he felt was emptiness. where was the anger? or sadness? or even acceptance of what happened?
all he could do was wonder. wonder if he did something wrong. did he say something wrong? is it him? did he find somebody better?
the thoughts never leaving him as he went on with the day.
shoyo stares at the ceiling. counting down the cracks on it and chuckling at the comparison to his heart. at this point he knew the number of them by heart.
he turns around to face the wall, getting tired of the cracks. his mind wandering back to the memorable night.
the night where he lost a piece of himself. he took something from him the second he turned around. shoyo knew he wouldn’t be able to get it back. ever.
but even though the only thing that filled him right now was emptiness, he didn’t mind that much. as much as it hurt, he didn’t regret it one bit. he doesn’t think he ever will.
the days shoyo spent with him were one of the happiest in his life. the happiness he felt in those moments couldn’t compare even to the happiness from victories he achieved after long matches. during those times he never imagined that it would come to an end. he lived in the moment, inhaling the sea air and their love like a drug.
he become addicted to it. holding onto every moment he spent with him as if his life depended on it. waking up everyday earlier than needed and coming to their favourite spot long before their set time. but he was always there waiting for gingerhead. turning around to greet shoyo with the brightest smile the younger boy has ever seen him wear on his face. he didn’t even smile so widely when he was playing volleyball. this type of smile was only reserved for hinata, nobody else. the smile always brought warmth to shoyo’s and lighted up his heart. as if sun was shining inside him.
it brought him the same emotions at night. no matter how cold the wind was or how many layers shoyo had to wear just to see him. the same warmth spread inside his small body.
shoyo was well aware that he brought the best out of him. he always repeated that during their sleepless nights while hugging him close to his chest. how the smaller boy not only showed him how to love volleyball again but how he made him a better person. hinata helped him in so many ways he never knew he needed.
the older man didn’t have difficulties in expressing his love for beach volleyball player. he was the type of person who would without embarrassment shout out of the window how much he loved his lover. even if saying ‘i love you’ outright was hard for him, he didn’t really have to. he tried to show his adoration for gingerhead in any way possible. from words of encouragement to small gestures like bringing him water and towel after a hard match.
hinata still remembers the first time when he heard those three words that took so much trying to escape from the chestnut haired boy’s heart. they were sitting on the beach in the cold sand, observing stars that the older loved so much. shoyo was so lost in the facts he learned about space just to impress the object of his love, that he almost didn’t hear the soft words that the setter muttered under his nose. the younger stopped talking the same second he realised what came out of his lover’s mouth. he stared agape at him still trying to process those three simple words, that hold so much emotions in them.
the soft “what” came out of shoyo’s mouth while he looked into brown eyes that held so much love and adoration for him.
“i love you, shoyo” the chestnut haired repeated while laughing softly. he leaned down and gently kissed the gingerhead who was lying on his lap. “i love you so much.”
shoyo chuckles dryly at the memory. if he loved him so much, why did he leave him?
maybe it was the time for the sun that spread through shoyo’s body to burn down? maybe they both finally found what they were searching for and the universe decided it was the time for them to go their own ways? or maybe it was as simple as a change of his heart?
even if hinata came back to memories from that night, he could never find the answer. he knew that the older was also hurt by his own decision, it was evident in his eyes. shoyo learned to read him like an open book but it was the only situation he couldn’t understand. even if the sadness was so easy to see on the setter's face.
all he wanted to do was scream in that moment. yell at the older man to give him the reason, to shout at the top of his lungs to ease his pain. but he couldn’t. all he managed to do was stare into those brown eyes he loved so much. he stood before him agape, trying not to collapse under his numbening legs.
“i’m sorry” were the last words he heard from him.
as much as shoyo didn’t want to admit, deep down he knew that this kind of love wouldn’t last forever. it came too easy. it was too uncomplicated, too undemanding.
even if he knew it wouldn’t last forever, coming to terms with a broken heart was hard.
or maybe sometimes good things just fall apart.