Archive of Our Own

“Wow, Lix, you look hot!”

Felix rolled his eyes in the mirror as Seungmin came into the room and flashed encouraging finger-guns in Felix’s direction, Felix shaking his head as he continued to debate whether the outfit he was wearing was too much or simply not attractive on him.

“Really, Minnie?” Felix huffed, smoothing out his t-shirt, “This? Hot? On me?”

“Are you serious?” Seungmin sat down on the bed and stared Felix with a raise of his eyebrows, his own yellow sweater and checked red and brown trousers hanging off his body perfectly, “Those beautiful dancer hips of yours look amazing in that outfit. You look gorgeous.”

Another sigh left Felix’s mouth as he turned back to the mirror and bit his lip, trying to decide whether Seungmin was right or not. Felix had to admit, the outfit was definitely cute. The white crop-top had three large sunflowers sewn onto the front and the yellow hem fell just above his belly button, exposing his toned stomach and tiny waist.

His light blue jeans hugged his hips perfectly and had rips in both knees, exposing his skinny legs and leading down to a simple pair of pink converse. His eyelids were glittering with yellow and his lips shone with a very faint tinge of lip gloss, highlighter shimmering just above his freckles and his lavender hair styled away from his forehead.

It was a nice look; Felix just didn’t know if he pulled it off or not.

“Stop looking in the mirror like that, I can practically hear you thinking,” Seungmin’s voice carried firmly though Felix’s head, successfully dispelling all the doubts that had been swirling through his mind, “You look great. Seriously.”

Felix took in a breath, “Thanks, Minnie… sorry.”

Seungmin just smiled and shook his head as he stood up and walked over, standing behind Felix and planting his chin on his shoulder, his arms circling Felix’s waist.

“You don’t have to apologise,” Seungmin smiled softly, looking at Felix through the mirror, “I know you’re nervous for tonight.”

“It’s my first time hanging out with all of you since Hyunjin and Chan-hyung got together,” Felix sighed, meeting Seungmin’s eyes for a second before ducking his gaze, “And Jisung and Jeongin have their anniversary coming up so they’re going to be all over each other tonight. And I can’t spend another party third-wheeling you and Changbin-hyung. Why did I even agree to come tonight?”

“Because it’s one of Chan-hyung’s parties and literally no one can resist those,” Seungmin grinned, squeezing Felix tighter for a couple of seconds before pulling away and turning Felix to face him, forcing Felix to look into his eyes, “But you know Binnie-hyung basically considers you a third in this relationship now, we don’t mind you hanging out with us.”

“Nah, you two deserve your party time alone,” Felix shook his head, shrugging, “But it’s okay, I know Chaeryeong and Ryujin will both be there, maybe I can find them.”

“So you can all fangirl about dancing again?” Seungmin teased, laughing at Felix’s guilty smile, “But in all seriousness, you can do that with Minho-hyung too, you know? He’s definitely going to be there to see all of us. Is he single now?”

Felix immediately felt his mood drop, his dread for the night only boiling hotter as he wrung his hands and dropped his gaze to them, “Minho-hyung is never single,” Felix mumbled, “Him and Yeji ended things last week, but I know he’s got something happening with Jaemin now.”

Seungmin frowned, “Well, if it’s nothing serious, maybe you can try and step in.”

“Minnie.” Felix looked up with a huff, his face resigned and posture slumped as he met Seungmin’s eyes, trying to make him understand, “Minho-hyung just sees me as his little dancing friend. Yes, he’s lovely and sweet to me and he always looks out for me, but it’s not in the way that I want. It’ll never be in the way that I want.”

Seungmin’s frown only grew, Felix frowning back when Seungmin tilted his head, “Do you really believe that, Lix?”

“I know that,” Felix said pointedly, his frown falling away to something sadder before he shook it off, “But I just need to accept that. I’m just going to spend some time with my friends tonight and try to forget all this. It’ll be fine.”

“I want to believe you, Lixie,” Seungmin said, his eyes sad but insistent as Felix looked up at him, “But Minho-hyung is the first person you’ve liked since Chenle ended it with you and that was months ago. I really don’t think it’s going to be that simple.”

“Well, it has to be,” Felix said firmly, turning to walk away, “I refuse to miss or ruin another one of Chan-hyung’s parties.”

“You know the last ruined party wasn’t your fault?” Seungmin grabbed Felix’s wrist, gently pulling him back to face him, “It really wasn’t a great choice of Chenle’s to break up with you on that night. And no one blames you for missing all the parties since then.”

“Okay, but it still has to change,” Felix said, “Tonight, I want to forget about Chenle, to forget about Minho-hyung, to forget about all that and just try and have some fun.”

Seungmin managed a smile, giving Felix’s wrist a light squeeze, “I take it you won’t be drinking much then?”

“Oh, hell no,” Felix snorted, “We do not need a return of disaster-drunk Felix.”

“He is pretty funny, though,” Seungmin laughed as he let Felix go, both of them going to find their coats and shoes.

“He’s a menace,” Felix said, “And I really don’t need that. Tonight is going to be happy-Felix with his dancer best friends and absolutely zero disaster.”

“Good luck with that,” Seungmin raised an eyebrow comically, ignoring the glare he got in response, “Just don’t hesitate to find Changbin-hyung or I if you need anything, okay? Or any of the others, you know we’re happy to help.”

“I know, and I will,” Felix smiled as he zipped up his faux-leather jacket, going over to Seungmin and slinging an arm over his shoulders, “And I’ll probably hang out with you for a bit, I do miss my cute little Seungminnie.”

Felix drawled the last words, his voice going high-pitched and his nose scrunching as Seungmin glared at him and tried to smack him off, “I miss you too, brat,” he said, “But I need to tie my shoelaces and I can’t do that with a giant leech hanging off my shoulders.”

“Too bad,” Felix smiled as he shifted so he was full-on hugging Seungmin from behind, squeezing his waist so tight he was probably cutting off air supply, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Seungmin just sighed and suddenly went still as they both looked up at the sound of the front door opening, both of them knowing exactly who it was and neither of them moving to run to him as Felix burrowed himself deeper into Seungmin’s neck.

“Hello, Puppies!” Changbin called as he sauntered into the room, wearing a plain black t-shirt, a pair of dark green cargo pants with various chains and belts hanging from the pockets and boots, and a pair of thick black combat boots with red laces, a beanie pulled over his head and a pawprint earring in each ear, gifts from Seungmin, “Are you cuddling without me?”

The pout on Changbin’s face definitely did not match the outfit he was wearing and Felix felt Seungmin practically vibrate as he cooed at it, finally deciding to let Seungmin go so he could kiss his boyfriend.

“Hi, hyung,” Seungmin lit up as he waltzed over to Changbin, landing a peck on his lips.

“Hello, fluffball,” Changbin smiled widely, reaching over to brush Seungmin’s fringe under his beret before turning and waving to Felix, “Hiya, Lixie.”

“Hi, hyung,” Felix smiled back, turning to pretend to fiddle with his phone to give Seungmin and Changbin a chance to catch up.

He could hear them chattering quietly behind him, his heart admittedly warming a little at the love carrying in both their voices. It made Felix happy, to see all his friends practically glowing in their relationships together and Minho content in his search for his own someone special, but it also hurt a little bit.

Felix was still recovering from a nasty break-up and so wasn’t prepared to throw himself into the dating world like Minho did, but that didn’t mean Felix didn’t want someone. He wanted someone who looked at him the way Changbin looked at Seungmin, someone who put him first like Jisung did with Jeongin, someone to snuggle him like Chan snuggled Hyunjin.

Of course, there was starting to become one person that Felix wanted to do all that with more than anyone else, and the jealousy he felt towards Minho definitely wasn’t only because Minho was happy flouncing around the dating world. But Felix was decidedly ignoring those feelings, knowing they were pointless and only going to get his heart broken all over again.

Felix sighed. It was just going to be a party. It didn’t matter that his friends were all happy in ways that he was not. It didn’t matter about Minho. All that mattered was that Felix had a disaster-free night with no drama, no alcohol and no boys.

If only.

“You ready, Lix?” Felix quickly spun around at the words, shaking away his thoughts to see both Changbin and Seungmin looking at him expectedly.

“Oh, sorry… yeah, I’m ready,” Felix stuttered out, pushing his hair out his face as he tried to plaster on a smile.

“Are you sure?” Changbin’s eyebrows furrowed slightly, his gaze clearly suspicious as he looked between Felix and Seungmin, probably trying to work out what they’d been talking about before he arrived, “You’re definitely okay with going to the party tonight, right? I know it’s your first one in a while.”

“It’s fine, hyung,” Felix bobbed his head, “I’m excited, really. It’s going to be nice to see everyone again.”

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Changbin said, beckoning Felix over and squeezing his shoulder gently as he spoke, “Just come and find Seungminnie and I if you need anything, okay?”

“Will do,” Felix smiled, “I already promised Minnie I would.”

“Perfect,” Changbin’s face sparkled, the happiness returning to his features as he turned back to Seungmin and grinned, “Let’s go have fun then.”

And when Seungmin turned around and faceplanted the floor because Felix hadn’t let him tie his shoelaces, Felix thought through his laughter that maybe, just maybe, the night would be okay.

. . .

The night was definitely not okay.

Hyunjin was absolutely drunk off his face, draped all over Felix like a sloth, the drink in his hand slowly spilling over Felix’s t-shirt and his mouth drunkenly rambling about how in love he was with Chan.

There was a part of Felix that could maybe admit it was cute. Hyunjin really did sound endearing, a sloppy smile on his face and his half-mast eyes shining as he talked about how pretty Chan’s dimple was and how warm his hugs were and how lucky he felt to have him. There was a tinge of gold in his voice, his nose burying itself in Felix’s neck whenever he got really happy and wanted to squeal.

It was admittedly adorable.

But Felix could only take so much. The ice in his own drink was slowly start to melt as he just stared across the room, his eyes ignoring all the other people to just keep his gaze on one single person.

Minho.

Minho was leant against a faraway wall, wearing a red tank top and loose black ripped jeans, several chokers around his neck and long earrings sparkling next to the makeup on his face. His dark hair was messy, the ends wavy and his fringe pushed out his face exposing his perfect cheekbones.

He looked amazing.

Felix couldn’t take his eyes off him, just made vague noises of confirmation whenever Hyunjin paused so he wouldn’t have to look away from Minho’s lips when he talked, away from Minho’s fingers as he fiddled with his jewellery, away from Minho’s eyes as they stared lovingly at someone who wasn’t Felix.

It made Felix’s chest hurt to realise Minho was flirting with Jaemin. Felix didn’t know why he was surprised; Jaemin was gorgeous and funny and Minho had never seen him as a little brother like he did with Felix.

Felix knew he should be happy for Minho, should be happy that his kind, loving and warm-hearted hyung was potentially finding someone else, but there was still some part of Felix that felt hurt, that wished all the stars in Minho’s eyes would be reserved for him.

“Felix…”

Felix blinked, his vision coming back into focus at the groan being let out into his ear, his mind scrambling to figure out what he’d missed as he made to turn back to Hyunjin.

A second too late.

“Lix, I don’t feel so go-” was all Hyunjin managed to get out before he was suddenly opening his mouth and throwing up all over Felix, a loud gag leaving his lips and Felix jolting harshly the moment he felt the warmth soak his t-shirt.

“Oh my god!” Felix exclaimed, Hyunjin practically collapsing against him with a tearful apology as he clung to Felix with a hand pressed firmly over his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin slurred, his eyes shut and face pale as Felix just let out a couple of fast breaths, trying to calm down as he held onto both his drink and Hyunjin with surprise racing through his veins and vomit all down his front.

“It’s… it’s okay,” Felix managed to say, getting his bearings quick enough to pull Hyunjin tighter against him and try to work out what to do next, “Let’s go get you cleaned up, yeah? And then we can get Chan-hyung to take you home.”

Hyunjin just groaned loudly, Felix wincing half in sympathy and half in disgust as he tried to guide Hyunjin forward to walk, hoping he’d be able to get him to a bathroom quickly and easily.

Unfortunately, Felix’s job was made ten times harder by the way his heart stuttered when he looked up. Minho was rushing over to them, his face shocked and his eyes determined as they flickered between Hyunjin and Felix. Jaemin had been left behind, still standing by the same wall him and Minho had been chatting by only moments before, surprise and a little dejection spread over his features.

Felix felt a little bad for him, but he knew it was inevitable. It didn’t matter how many boys or girls Minho flirted with; he would always put his friends first. That was what Felix really loved about him, and what bought Minho running over when he saw Hyunjin half-conscious and Felix covered in his throw-up.

“Not feeling great, huh Jinnie?” Minho said gently as he jogged over, giving Felix a quick smile as he carefully took the drinks out of Hyunjin and Felix’s hands and put them on a nearby table.

“Thanks, hyung,” Felix said in relief, ignoring the way his heart was racing as Minho just went to hold Hyunjin on his other side, the three of them starting to walk towards the bathroom.

“Don’t thank me, angel,” Minho said, using the familiar petname that warmed Felix’s chest more than he was willing to admit before turning back to Hyunjin, “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help my little Jinnie, hmm?”

Hyunjin whined quietly, his eyes opening as he managed to lift his head up enough to look at Felix, probably too drunk to notice the way Felix’s face had fallen at the word ‘friend’.

“ ‘m sorry for throwing up on you,” Hyunjin slurred, Felix just smiling and shaking his head at him, “I was just talking about Channie-hyung,” his head fell down for a second before he lifted it back up in panic, seeming to realise what he said, “But I didn’t throw up because I was talking about him! I promise, Lixie, I promise!”

“It’s okay, Hyunjinnie, I believe you,” Felix said gently, finally leading Hyunjin into the bathroom and helping him sit down and prop up against the bath, “Just stay here and I’ll clean you up, yeah? Tell me if you’re going to throw up again.”

Hyunjin just nodded and started giggling, Minho leaning forward to tenderly push his hair out his face as Felix watched, ignoring the sting in his chest as he turned to the sink to grab a cloth, wrinkling his nose at the smell and feel of his vomit-soaked t-shirt.

“Hey, angel, I could clean Hyunjin up if you want?” Minho stood up as he offered, his voice calm and soothing and somehow able to make Felix feel comfortable even when he was soaked with sick.

“I appreciate it, Min-hyung,” Felix said as he wrung out the cloth, “But I’m already gross so it’ll just be better for me to do it to save your clothes,” Felix smiled at Minho’s little giggle, “Do you think you could go back out and find Chan-hyung? He’ll probably want to take Hyunjin back to his home, or at least upstairs to bed.”

“No problem,” Minho said, giving Hyunjin a pat on the head before turning back to the door, “Be good for the angel, Jinnie.”

“I’m always good, hyung!” Hyunjin called back innocently, a drunken pout on his lips as Felix smiled and settled in front of him, wiping a cloth over his face.

“Yeah, you are,” Felix said softly as he cleaned Hyunjin up, “You’re always good, so good that you’re going to have Chan-hyung looking after you like the little prince you are.”

“Yeah, he loves me,” Hyunjin slurred, his face breaking out into a blinding smile with his eyes lighting up like fireworks, “And I love them too. You should have someone to love you too, Lixie.”

Hyunjin only spoke out of innocence, but Felix felt his whole body tense, his eyes once more burning with the feeling of being unloved.

A couple of seconds passed without Felix answering, Hyunjin furrowing his eyebrows in confusion before his face fell in realisation and a sloppy hand came up to cup at Felix’s face, “I’m sorry, Lixie. That was mean. I know you want to love someone.”

His words were continuously slurred, laced with both alcohol and sadness for what he was saying. Felix knew Hyunjin probably wouldn’t remember anything in the morning, but he still felt the need to reassure Hyunjin, to make sure his friends wouldn’t worry about him too much.

“I do love someone, Jinnie,” Felix smiled slightly, taking the cloth down from Hyunjin’s face to look him in the eyes, “My love for them keeps me going, even if I don’t get it back.”

Hyunjin just tilted his head, drunken mind obviously working to put the pieces together as his face scrunched adorably, “But you should get the love back,” he whined, “You need someone to look at you the way Minho-hyung does.”

Felix’s entire body froze.

His breath stopped in his chest, all the veins taking the blood to his heart seeming to halt as his lungs suffocated, confusion and denial clouding over his mind.

“What are you talking about, Jinnie?” Felix whispered, the cloth in his hand going cold as the water started to drip down his wrist, the vomit on his t-shirt sticking to him uncomfortably, but despite Hyunjin’s drunken actions and what they’d done to Felix, Felix suddenly trusted his alcohol-induced friend more than he trusted anything else in the world, “What do you mean about Minho-hyung?”

Hyunjin blinked, his eyes glazing over as Felix watched the images flash in front of his mind, “He always watches you when you dance, even when he’s not supposed to. He stares at you through the mirror like you’re the best dancer in the world.”

Felix felt his heart stutter, his mouth opening in a gasp before he could stop it. He could feel hope tingling along his veins, a small spark of something coming alight in his chest.

But then Felix remembered Minho and Jaemin, Minho and Yeji, Minho and all the other people he’d been with recently. Minho was still searching hard to find the right person, if he really felt anything for Felix then he would have acted on it by now.

And just like that, all the hope trickled painfully out Felix’s veins.

“You’re drunk, Hyunjin,” Felix muttered, lifting his hand once to clean Hyunjin’s face as he avoided his gaze, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, I do!” Hyunjin tried to insist, but his words were more slurred than ever, Felix refusing to believe them, “He always watches you!”

Felix tried to think of a response, tried to think of another denial he could give, but the only things that came to his mind were painful and blunt. So, he kept quiet, not wanting to upset the drunk Hyunjin more.

A couple more minutes passed in silence before both Felix and Hyunjin jumped at the door being slammed open, Chan practically falling through the door with amusement and concern splattered all over his face.

“Jinnie, baby,” he smiled softly, moving out the way so Minho could follow him into the room and shut the door behind them, a glass of water held in his hands, “Minho said you threw up all over Felix.”

Hyunjin grinned proudly, Felix managing to snort at the look on his face, “Yeah, I made Felix all gross!”

Chan and Minho both burst out laughing at the words, Felix shaking his head and standing up as he turned to them with his vomit-soaked front, “Yep, he definitely managed that. But he’s all clean now, so let me and my grossness get out the way so you can take care of him.”

“Thanks, Lix,” Chan said, reaching over to squeeze Felix’s arm before he realised how disgusting Felix’s sleeve was and he pulled his hand away with a cheeky grin, “Thanks for taking care of him. Do you want me to grab you another shirt from upstairs?”

“Don’t worry about it, hyung,” Minho chimed up from his spot by the door, “You just focus on Hyunjinnie. I’ve got a hoodie that I wore on the way here, Lix can wear that.”

Felix tried to not outwardly react to the way his mind blanked at the thought of wearing Minho’s hoodie. It wasn’t like Felix and Minho had never worn each other’s clothes before; they were dance friends who suffered through sweaty practices together and were constantly lending each other and mixing up their clothes.

But something about it felt different this time, something that had a lot to do with what Hyunjin had told Felix. No matter how many times Felix tried to tell himself that Hyunjin was just drunk rambling, there was some part of his mind desperate to believe the words.

“Alright, thanks Minho,” Chan smiled widely, taking the glass of water from Minho as he reached down to haul Hyunjin up, “I’ll take Hyunjin up to bed now.”

“Oh, and Lix,” Felix looked up as Chan addressed him again, “When we come back, you can have some of that colourful, expensive drink you and Minho love so much. It’s the least I can do.”

Felix managed a bright smile, “Thanks hyung.”

“Thank you, little bird,” Chan said, ruffling Felix’s hair before he half-carried, half-dragged Hyunjin out the room, Hyunjin once more rambling loudly about how much he loved him.

Minho giggled as he watched them leave, turning to Felix with his eyes sparkling and a large smile on his face. Felix couldn’t help but smile back, the whole world seeming to get a little bit brighter as he looked into Minho’s eyes.

“Here,” Minho picked up a nearby towel and handed it to Felix, “See if you can clean yourself off a bit with this. I’ll go and get you my hoodie.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Felix said sweetly, taking the towel and folding it over in his hands, “You really don’t have to, though. You probably don’t want me to wear your nice hoodie when I’m this gross.”

Minho looked offended by the idea, stepping forward and using his hand to cup Felix’s face before Felix even realised what was going on, “I don’t mind, angel. I just want you to be comfortable.”

Felix didn’t even think as he leaned into the touch, fiddling with the towel still in his hands, “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Minho squeezed Felix’s cheek playfully, “I’ll be right back with the hoodie, okay?”

“Okay,” Felix said, still feeling the warmth from Minho’s touch even after Minho had left the room, leaving Felix into stare after him for a few seconds before he got to work.

Felix filled the sink to the brim with warm water, searching in Chan's cupboards until he found his stain remover and poured some in. He carefully peeled his t-shirt off and placed it in the water, wrapping the towel around his shoulders before working to try and scrub out the vomit stain. 

He was so focused on the task that he didn’t hear the door open again, jumping when hands landed on his shoulders and squeezed playfully at the towel.

“Awww, our Lixie looks so cute in the fluffy towel!” Minho cooed, his voice spirited and light as Felix smiled at him through the bathroom mirror.

“Hey, hyung,” Felix said, “You got that hoodie so I don’t have to go back to the party wearing only this fluffy towel?”

“Well, maybe I won’t give you the hoodie after all,” Minho grinned, planting his head on Felix’s shoulder as they both leaned over the sink, looking at each other in the mirror, “You look too cute in the towel, I think the world needs to see it.”

Felix didn’t dignify that with a response, instead lifting his hand out the sink and using it to flick some of the water in Minho’s face. Minho immediately spluttered and recoiled back, his face twisting in offended disgust.

“Don’t soak me with your soapy vomit water you brat!” Minho screeched, Felix bursting into laughter at the words, “It’s not funny!”

A few more giggles left Felix’s mouth before he could stop them, forcing his lips closed with a cheeky smile as Minho continued to glare at him. Felix abandoned the t-shirt in the sink, deciding to deal with it later as he dried his hands on the towel wrapped around him before turning to Minho.

“I’m sorrrrrrry, hyuuuuuung,” Felix whined, his chest blossoming as he took a step towards Minho and pouted, fluttering his eyelashes in a way literally no hyung of his had ever been able to resist, “Please give me your hoodie?”

Something inside Felix melted when Minho only softened, cooing loudly as he reached out to pinch Felix’s cheek.

“It’s so unfair how cute those freckles make you,” Minho said, his finger moving to trace over them lightly, “You can have my hoodie, but only because of them.”

Felix cheered victoriously, giggling at Minho’s amused grin as Minho rolled his eyes and bunched up the hoodie in his hands, gesturing at Felix to lift his arms so that Minho could pull it over his head.

There was a part of Felix that was surprised Minho wasn’t just handing over the hoodie for Felix to put on himself, but there was also a part of Felix that was used to being taken care of by Minho like this. So, Felix tried to relax as he carefully peeled the towel off his shoulders and let Minho dress him, matching twinkles in both their eyes.

“There you go,” Minho smiled as Felix’s head popped out the hoodie, his hair ruffled and earrings clinking together as the fabric smothered his face, “My messy little angel.”

Minho spoke quieter than he had before, small tendrils on endearment humming beautifully with his voice as Felix fought to hold back the gasp.

They were standing so close together now, Felix practically able to feel Minho’s words on his face as he stood there, absolutely swallowed and comforted by the fluffiness and size of Minho’s hoodie.

The hoodie almost felt intimate against his skin, felt softer and warmer than any clothing Felix had ever owned. Felix didn’t know if that was because the hoodie really was comfortable, or if it was because of the way his veins were warming because Minho was looking at Felix like he was the most wonderful thing in the world.

This had never happened before.

This hadn’t been on the plan for the night.

Minho was looking at Felix with the same look he’d had in his eyes when he’d talked to Jaemin, except there was something more this time. There was an extra edge of aching, of longing, of something deeply buried that had just been brought back to the surface.

Felix didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to say. All he knew was that the only things he could hear was his heartbeat pounding loudly in his ears and Minho’s fast breaths from in front of him.

“Hyung,” the word slipped past Felix’s lips, sounding confused and desperate and a million other emotions neither of them could comprehend.

There was a lace of something else in it, a lace of absolute love, a lace of absolute want for whatever was sparkling in the tiny space in between them.

“You took care of Hyunjin so well tonight, angel,” Minho practically whispered, pausing to swallow heavily before he carried on, “I know he was talking to you about Chan-hyung. I could see his absolute love for him in his eyes. And I could see the same look in your eyes, the same look when you were looking at… when you were looking at me.”

Felix felt his breath catch in his throat, his heart dropping to the floor as he processed what Minho was saying to him. Minho knew. Minho knew everything. Minho was just going to be another person to break Felix’s heart.

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispered, feeling shame flush fresh through him like blood, terror for whatever Minho was about to say next clawing at his heart.

But Minho just furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, his head tilting slightly as Felix was able to study every feature on his face, every small line of concern, every tiny tendril of fear.

“Sorry?” Minho said the word like he wasn’t sure what it meant, “Sorry for what?”

Felix’s breath got caught in his throat, his own face furrowing as he answered without thinking, “For looking at you in a way you don’t want to be looked at.”

The realisation on Minho’s face was instant, his eyes widening and mouth opening in a way that was absolutely stunning on him. Felix could only curse himself for still thinking about Minho’s beauty even when he was about to be rejected by him.

But then Minho shuffled even further forward, the distance between them shortened to mere inches as Minho’s cold hands came up to cup Felix’s warm face, the connection between them sizzling like ice as the two opposites attracted perfectly to each other.

“I look at you the same way, angel,” Minho spoke confidently, his eyes gazing directly into Felix’s as he gasped, “When you were cleaning that t-shirt of yours and I came back in with my hoodie, I watched you in the mirror for at least two minutes before I said anything.”

Felix’s hands unconsciously tightened around his sweater paws, his heart practically stopping as he tried to process too many things in too little time, a sudden realisation coming to him, “Just like Hyunjin said that you watch me in the dance studio mirrors.”

A sentimental smile broke out over Minho’s face, his hands tightening over Felix’s cheeks, “Yes, I have to admit I do that,” he said softly, “I should have realised Hyunjin wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about it for long.”

“Don’t be mad at him,” Felix said just as softly, too in awe of the wonderful way Minho was looking at him, “He’s too cute for that.”

“Chan-hyung might hate me for saying this,” Minho said, bringing his face even closer, his breath now curling against Felix’s skin and his thumbs running over Felix’s cheeks, “But I think you’re cuter.”

Felix barely had time to process just how amazing the words made him feel before Minho was leaning forward, connecting their lips in a moment like no other.

Electricity ignited in Felix’s face, fireworks exploding behind his eyes and his lips tingling like sparklers as he felt the soft touch of Minho’s mouth against his own.

Minho pulled away for a second, his large eyes finding Felix’s and letting their pupils gaze into each other before he leaned in again, Felix meeting him halfway this time, closing the distance between and allowing their lips to connect once more.

Felix couldn’t even begin to describe the euphoria, the love in his chest bursting into gold and warming his entire body as him and Minho moved against each other, lips in sync and breaths short as they kissed.

Minho’s lips tasted like pink wine, like the glittering bottle of rosé he’d been drinking from. It wasn’t expensive wine, not the fancy kind you’d get at a restaurant, but the cheap stuff you bought at convenience stores and would have you giggling after a bottle. But it was still sweet against Felix’s lips, still the best thing he’d ever tasted.

There were flames glittering around them, a million words being spoken without either of them having to open their mouths as they held each other. One of Minho’s hands reached around Felix’s face to tangle in his hair and Felix brought his arms around the back of Minho’s neck, pulling him even closer and feeling his skin flush against him even more.

Minho kissed hard.  Minho kissed like there was no tomorrow. Minho kissed with every emotion he had. Love and passion and joy all rolled into a simple press of lips that Felix yearned for, his own mouth working to keep up with the way Minho moved.

Unfortunately, the absolute emotion Minho put into his kisses made it even more painful for Felix when the air seemed to go cold around them.

Felix felt all of it.

Felix felt all of it when the love in Minho’s kiss faded to doubt, when the passion withered into shame, when the joy twisted into something that tasted terrifyingly like fear.

Felix felt his veins seizing with panic. Denial and questions flooded through his mind as Minho pulled away, eyes wide and mouth open in fast breaths.

“Hyung?” Felix could barely talk, the world blinking back into focus around him as he felt the lightning slowly sizzling out his veins, replaced with a cold feeling of emptiness where Minho’s touch should have been, “Hyung, what’s wrong?”

Minho just shook his head and stepped back, the look in his eyes replaced with terror and guilt and his cold hands seeming to go even colder when he took them off Felix, “We shouldn’t have done that.”

Felix felt his heart clench painfully, his blood beginning to pulse with panic as Minho took another step back.

“What do you mean?” Felix tried to say, his voice shaking and his hands reaching out for Minho, his mind trying to work out just how fast everything had crashed down with the taste of Minho still somehow on his lips.

“That was wrong,” was all Minho said before he turned away, successfully crushing Felix’s heart in his chest as left the room in a rush, his feet pulling him away as fast as he could go, Felix feeling his whole body seize with adrenalin as he chased after him.

“Hyung, how was that wrong?” Felix shouted after him, uncaring of all the people still around as he ran after Minho through the house, slamming into doors and pushing past his friends as the back of Minho’s head got further and further away, “Why would you say all those things and then run away? Why the hell would you kiss me and say it was wrong?”

Minho visibly flinched at the words, but didn’t turn back to Felix. Instead, he just stalked into the living room and towards the front door, Felix coming to the realisation that he really was about to get away.

“Hyung, answer me!” Felix felt one huge spike of fear scorch through him as he leapt forward and grabbed Minho’s wrist, tugging on it hard enough that Minho was forced to look at him, “What the hell is going on?”

“I’m sorry, Felix,” Minho just shook his head, tears glittering in his eyes as he pulled his wrist away and took a step back.

“No, don’t give me sorry!” Felix cried, his eyes frantically searching Minho’s as he tried to work out what was going on, “You just basically told me that you like me! You just kissed me! Why the hell are you running?”

Minho flinched again, his head ducking and his hair covering his eyes as he visibly shrunk under all the gazes of everyone around them. Felix didn’t pay them any attention, too busy staring straight into Minho as his eyes burnt with unshed tears and his chest struggled with panic.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Minho forced the words out, dragging a hand over his face before he looked up to meet Felix’s devastated gaze, “I’m sorry, I know that hurt you. That never should have happened.”

“What do you mean it never should have happened?” Felix couldn’t say the words fast enough, a vile concoction of embarrassment and upset racing through him as he tried to process just how fast his hopes had been ripped away, “You just… you just said you liked me! Why wouldn’t we have kissed?”

“Because…” Minho took a deep breath, his gaze darting through whatever dangerous thoughts he was having before it landed back on Felix, begging for an understanding that Felix couldn’t give, “Because it’s not right. We can’t… we can’t do this.”

Felix felt his blood run cold, brain screaming with denial as he tried to process what the hell he had just heard. Minho thought that him and Felix weren’t right? That they couldn’t ever be together?

The thought had Felix’s tears finally withering down his face, a tornado starting to swirl in his chest as he looked at Minho with more desperation that he ever had in his life, “Why not? Why can’t we be together? I’ve liked you for so long, hyung. You can’t just get my hopes up like and run!”

“I know and I’m sorry,” Minho swallowed heavily, “But this just wouldn’t work. You’re Felix and I’m… I’m just Minho, you know?” Minho said vaguely, his face practically pleading for the words to be enough as Felix just shook his head, forcing Minho to go on, “You’re just my little brother. You’re the cute innocent friend and I’m the one who dates around. It couldn’t… it wouldn’t ever work.”

Felix felt like he’d been punched, his breath stopping as he felt his entire world crashing down around him. He drew in a harsh breath, the air knotting and mangling down his throat as he tried to stop himself from choking on it.

Felix came to a realisation.

He felt his veins turn to ice.

“You don’t think I’m good enough for you?” Felix whispered, yet it was somehow loud enough to be heard by the entire room, a deadly silence cutting through the air as Felix took a step back and covered his face with his hands, crying desperately into them, “You don’t think I’m good enough!”

“No, Felix! God, no!” Minho tried to say, lurching forwards and letting his hands wrap around Felix’s wrist, recoiling when Felix shoved him away.

“First I get broken up with at one of these stupid parties and now you throw me away!” Felix practically yelled, the tears now coming full-force down his face, “You all just want everyone to know I’m unloved, huh? You just want to show everyone how easy it is to hurt me!”

“No, Felix! That’s not what I meant!” Minho’s voice was desperate, his eyes wide and his face distressed and his hands still reaching out for Felix, “You’re wonderful, Felix, you really are! I never wanted to hurt you.”

Felix felt his insides turning to rock, his whole body going solid and his face hardening like stone as he levelled his gaze. He dropped his hands and stared directly at Minho, the air going thin around them as Minho looked at him in half-fear, half-expectation.

“Then, look at me,” Felix’s voice was deep, so deep and rough as it rumbled quietly through the room, “Look at me and tell me you meant everything you said in that bathroom. Look at me and tell me you’d kiss me again. Look at me and tell me you weren’t just leading me on!”

By the end of his words, Felix was angry again, his voice cracking and breaking as his syllables hitched and stuttered, words so urgent and frantic that Felix could feel them carving a hole in his chest.

But that pain was nothing like the agony that came next.

Minho looked down, a choked sob dragging out his throat as he closed his eyes. He couldn’t even look at Felix. He couldn’t do what Felix said.

Felix felt his heart finally crack, white pain burning through him as he shook his head and more tears fell from his eyes.

“I’m sorry, angel,” Minho looked up, face as white as a sheet and more resigned than Felix had ever seen it, “I can’t.”

The words broke in the air, sounding so horrible and devastating and ugly that Felix felt his mind screaming to forget them. Minho didn’t like Felix. Minho didn’t want Felix.

Felix wasn’t good enough.

Felix was just stood there, tears on his face, his heart breaking and Minho’s hoodie still hanging off him, the eye of every person at the party now staring at him.

He physically felt the crack splintering through his chest, his heart shattering into pieces as his body bloomed with pain. It didn’t matter how much Felix loved Minho, it didn’t matter how hard Felix tried, Minho would never want Felix

The sounds of Minho’s harsh footsteps stalking away and the front door slamming behind him were drowned out by Felix.

He started sobbing.  

. . .

When Felix woke up, he was in Chan's bed.

Hyunjin was lying next to him, still asleep and looking a lot more sober that he had the night before. However, his forehead was still crinkled in the telltale sign of a headache and his skin was a little paler than it would normally be, indicating that whenever Hyunjin did wake up, he was going to have one hell of a hangover.

But, despite all this, Felix still wished he could be in Hyunjin’s position a lot more than he wished to be in his own. Maybe, Felix should have gotten drunk last night. Maybe, it would have made things easier.

No. Felix shook his head. He didn’t need to be that disaster drunk again. He was just the heartbroken idiot who’d became so pathetic after being left by Chenle, who had now been rejected by Minho.

So much for a boy-free night.

Felix groaned softly as he turned over to stare at the ceiling, his eyes still swollen from sleep and the tears still crusting over his cheeks and Minho’s hoodie still hugging him.

Disgust shot through Felix’s veins and he didn’t even think about it as he shot up in the bed, pulling the hoodie over his head and chucking it across the room, all the exhaustion in his body losing to an unimaginable sadness he could feel clawing at his heart.

Felix wanted to start crying again.

He wasn’t good enough for Minho.

He’d sobbed for hours the night before, Seungmin’s touch landing on his shoulders the moment Minho had left the house, gently guiding him upstairs as he’d wept.

There’d been a multitude of people to help Felix through it. Seungmin and Changbin had whispered to him at first, their arms rocking him back and forth and their fingers in his hair, soon to replaced by Chan as he’d offered a place for Felix next to Hyunjin in their bed.

Felix had tried to protest, not wanting him to have to sleep on the sofa because of him. But all his friends had insisted he was too upset to walk himself home. In the end, Jisung and Jeongin had taken Felix to bed, helping him to wash his face as they cracked light-hearted jokes at him the whole time and helped him lie down. A still-drunk Hyunjin even woke up at one point to throw his arms around Felix.

The thought allowed Felix to smile at least a little. He wasn’t entirely alone.

That thought only became clearer when the door swung open and Chan poked his head in the door, his face lighting in relief when he saw that Felix was awake.

“Good morning, little bird!” he called quietly, not wanting to wake Hyunjin as he came into the room and stood a few feet from the bed, looking down at Felix in half-pity, half-hope, “How are you doing?”

“I… don’t know,” Felix sighed as he answered, his mind still reeling from the shouting and crying and realisations from the night before, Chan pouting as he practically watched the memories play over Felix’s face, “Pretty terrible really.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s understandable,” Chan said, tilting his head and pausing before shuffling over to the wardrobe, looking over his shoulder at Felix as he spoke again, “I’m sorry that happened, Lix. I don’t know why my parties always end so badly for you.”

“It’s not your fault, hyung,” Felix said quietly, ducking his gaze as he fiddled with a loose thread on his blanket, “I’m sorry I keep ruining your parties.”

“Felix,” Felix immediately look up at the devastated way Chan said his name, eyes widening when he saw how sad Chan looked, “Please don’t say things like that. You didn’t ruin anything, it actually seems like people keep ruining things for you.”

“I guess I can’t really blame them for that,” Felix muttered more to himself than anyone else, half-hoping that Chan couldn’t actually hear him.

But Chan could hear him and soon he was turning away from the wardrobe with his largest, fluffiest sweater bunched in his hands, gesturing at Felix to put his arms up so he could pull the sweater over his head.

“You should blame them, Lix,” Chan clicked his tongue, “You shouldn’t allow people to treat you like that.”

Felix just shrugged as he pulled the sweater sleeves over his hands, his gaze falling to the blanket and instead of the way Chan was looking at him, “It’s Minho-hyung, though. We all know how lovely he is. And I can’t make him like me, it’s my fault for getting my hopes up so much.”

“It’s Minho’s fault for getting your hopes up in the first place,” Chan said straight away, sounding so certain that Felix couldn’t help but look up at him, Chan staring directly into his eyes as he grabbed Felix’s hand, “He never should have kissed you and confessed to you if he wasn’t going to follow through. And telling you the stuff he did in front of everyone here, that was wrong. He never should have embarrassed you like that.”

“It’s not like it was stuff that people didn’t already know about me,” Felix said quietly, “They know I’m just the quiet little kid who no one could ever really love.”

Chan frowned harder, his fingers squeezing tighter at Felix’s hand, “No one, literally no one, thinks that about you. Even Minho-hyung doesn’t think that, no matter what he said last night. You’re so loved, Lix, so loved. You’ll find someone who can really show you that one day.”

Felix allowed the words to enter his heart, his chest warming with what felt dangerously like hope as he tried to push it away, “You really mean that, hyung?”

“I think Chaeryeong and Ryunjin meant it when it took me an hour to convince them to go home yesterday because they didn’t want to leave you when you were upset,” Chan said, making a point of emphasising his every word, “Hyunjin meant it when I was tucking him into bed and all he could slur about was how much you deserved someone who loved you. Jisung and Jeongin meant it when they insisted on sleeping on our floor, saying they needed to be there for you in the morning. Seungmin most definitely meant it when he was parading around the party promising to kill Minho.”

Felix jolted up, eyes widening in panic, “They didn’t fight, did they?”

Chan smiled, looking at Felix in endearment, “No, Changbin managed to calm Seungmin down.  They both went back to yours and Seungmin’s apartment. Seungmin said he’d be waiting for you when you got home.”

There was a part of Felix that couldn’t stop the relief from flooding his veins, his whole body slumping and uncoiling. It didn’t matter what Minho said or did, Felix was still loved, even if it wasn’t in the way that he wanted.

Next, Felix just needed to start believing that he was actually good enough.

Chan seemed to notice the change in Felix, his hand coming up to ruffle Felix’s hair with a giggle as Felix squawked loudly in protest.

“I can’t imagine how many thoughts are going on up here,” Chan prodded Felix’s forehead, “But let’s take a break from that, yeah? Changbin’s back and he’s downstairs making pancakes for Jisung and Jeongin. I’m sure if you get down there soon, he’ll make you some too.”

Felix couldn’t hold back the smile, his lips curling gently as he looked up at Chan, a little bit of hope sparkling in his eyes, “Thanks, hyung, for always being here.”

Chan grinned widely, his dimples popping out on the sides of his face as he pinched Felix’s cheek, “Don’t thank me for that, little bird,” he said, “I just wish there were more people there for you.”

“I’ve got everyone I need,” Felix said, his chest fluttering a little as he watched Chan melt at the words.

“Well, I guess we can’t blame you for wanting a little more,” Chan said, sweetly but sadly, pausing to let the words hang between them before he straightened back up, clapping his hands, “Now, you go get your pancakes! I’m going to make sure this hungover little brat has a shower.”

With that, Chan jerked his thumb at Hyunjin, looking half in-love and half-terrified of what he was about to do. Felix certainly didn’t envy Chan; Hyunjin had always been a nightmare drunk and an even bigger nightmare when hungover. Chan definitely had his work cut out for him.

Felix wanted to offer to help, but he could practically still smell the vomit all over himself, so instead he just swung his legs over the bed and tottered over to the door, smiling as he looked back over his shoulder to see Chan timidly shaking Hyunjin.

“Good luck, hyung!” Felix said as he left the room, “Enjoy your vomit shower!”

“Little brat!” Chan called after him, Felix giggling as his voice echoed down the hallway, “I’m sure Hyunjin would be more than willing to throw up on you again if I asked him too!”

Felix shut up at that, shivering at the very thought. He supposed the worst moment of the night had been Minho’s rejection, but Hyunjin throwing up all over him was definitely a close second. Felix just wanted to eat pancakes and forget about everything that had happened.

That was almost exactly how his breakfast went.

Almost.

Felix walked into the kitchen to see Changbin stood by the stove, a pink and white striped apron tied around his waist and a spatula in his hands, the smell of syrup and sugar drifting gorgeously throughout the room.

“Morning, Lix!” he looked up and smiled when Felix shuffled into the room, tilting his head at the table behind him, “Go take a seat with Jisungie and Innie, I’ll bring you over some breakfast.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Felix said softly, Changbin cooing and slapping his shoulder as he walked past.

“And Felix,” Felix paused and turned to look at Changbin, anticipating what he was about to say, “Minho will come around. We can all see how much he loves you.”

There was a small tingle of gold in Felix’s veins at the words, his lips pulling up despite themselves, “I hope so,” he said, watching the way Changbin’s eyes twinkled before he went over to the table.

“Lixie!” came the screech, Felix jumping when Jisung sprang up from his chair and practically threw himself into Felix’s arms, “I was so worried about you!”

“I’m sorry, Sungie,” Felix said into Jisung’s shoulder, “I shouldn’t have freaked out like that last night.”

“Don’t be sorry, you idiot!”  Jisung pulled away to smack Felix in the shoulder, “I was almost freaking out with you. You had every right to react like you did.”

“He’s right, I would have had a right meltdown if it were me,” Jeongin said, beckoning to Felix to sit down at the table opposite them, “How are you feeling now?”

Felix just shrugged, settling into his seat and dragging his fingernails over the table, ignoring the disgusted shriek from Jisung at the sound, “I don’t know? I feel like no one’s ever going to love me.”

“Yah!” Felix didn’t need to look up to know there’d be disgust all over Jeongin’s face, another hand coming out of nowhere to smack him in the arm, “Please don’t talk like that, Lix-hyung. We all know how much everyone cares about you, Minho-hyung especially.”

“Well, he sure has a funny way of showing it,” Felix muttered, his nails starting to pick at a crack in the table, firmly keeping his eyes away from the two boys he could feel staring at him.

“Felix,” Jisung leaned forward, just about obscuring Felix’s vision as his hand came and placed itself over Felix’s, stilling his fingers, “You know Minho-hyung is my best friend, but I think everyone can admit he was in the wrong last night.”

“Sungie, he’s not in the wrong if he doesn’t have feelings for me,” Felix interrupted quietly, “I couldn’t force him to enjoy the kiss, or to reciprocate the love I have for him. If he truly doesn’t like me like that then he had to reject me some way.”

“That’s the thing, Lix-hyung, he does like you,” there was so much certainty in Jeongin’s voice that Felix couldn’t help but look up at him, “The way Minho-hyung looks at you sometimes, there’s no platonic explanation for it.”

“Then why the hell would he say those things to me?” Felix couldn’t help but ask, voice desperate and confused like it had been the night before, his heart starting to speed up again as he remembered all the words that had been said.

“Why the hell would he run away from the kiss and tell me that we could never work out and not even look me in the eyes if he liked me?” Felix’s voice was starting to rise again, eyes burning once more with tears as he remembered the look on Minho’s face when he’d refused to even look at Felix, “As much as he may not like me, Minho-hyung would never hurt me unless he really meant it.”

There was a pause. Felix just staring at Jisung and Jeongin like he knew they couldn’t give him the answers, like he knew it was all hopeless, like the silence now stretching between them was all Felix had left.

The silence broke.

“He would if he was scared,” Jisung said.

His voice was quiet, but it hit Felix like a train. The words somehow able to silence all the screaming in Felix’s head.

“What?” the question slipped from Felix’s lips, so hushed and so confused and yet successfully carrying every inch of the pain Felix was feeling. Jisung’s eyes darted up to Felix for a second before sliding over to Jeongin, the two of them shared a look, a whole conversation seeming to happen between their gazes before they clasped hands, turning back to Felix.

“Lix, why do you think Minho-hyung dates around so much?” Jeongin asked, voice steady but a small undertone of uncertainty accompanying it.

“Because… because he likes being with people,” Felix answered like it was obvious, his mind yelling at him that he was missing something as he looked between Jisung and Jeongin. “He likes dating, he likes having feelings for people and he’s just trying to find the person he likes the most.”

“Lix,” Jisung shook his head, biting his lips before his gaze stared directly into Felix’s, “Minho-hyung came on a double date with us once, I can’t remember who he was with at the time, but it was obvious he didn’t really like them. Jeongin and I asked him about it at the end of the night, asked him why he was still with them.”

“Do you know what he said?” Jeongin asked, pausing to let Felix shake his head before he swallowed heavily and carried on, “He broke down and admitted that he was dating so many people to try and forget his feelings for someone else.”

“His feelings for you,” Jisung said, Felix feeling his heart pound with shock as he pushed his chair back, fully intending on standing up and running out the room.

“No!” Felix said, white-knuckling the edge of the table as he tried to stop himself from sprinting away, from refusing to acknowledge the absolute truth that was being told to him, “Why the hell would he do that? Why the hell would he not come to me if he liked me? Did he think I wasn’t worth the feelings he had for me? Was he just trying to make them go away?”

“No, hyung, that’s not it!” Jeongin reached forward and wrapped and a strong hand around Felix’s wrist, keeping him in place, “After what Minho-hyung said to you last night, I understand why you might think that, but you’ve got it all wrong.”

“This was back when you were still with Chenle,” Jisung said, a lot more calmly, his gaze practically begging Felix to settle down and think about what he was saying, “Minho-hyung didn’t want to get in the way of that. And then you had that awful break-up that made it clear you wouldn’t be ready to date for a long time. Minho-hyung just started going out with more and more people, convinced that he’d never have a chance with you and so he needed to do more and more to try and get over you.”

“So, by the time you were ready to date again, Minho-hyung had been out with so many people that he was convinced you wouldn’t ever like him, that you and your experience of only having one boyfriend wouldn’t want him,” Jeongin said, squeezing Felix’s wrist when Felix drew in a sharp breath.

“It doesn’t excuse what he did last night, but it explains it,” Jisung said, “Minho-hyung has tried to protect himself from this by convincing himself that you two can’t ever be together. And he’s going to hate me for telling you all this, but last night’s events show that you two can’t go on like this anymore.”

“We don’t know what happened in that bathroom,” Jeongin said, both him and Jisung still levelling their gazes at Felix, their hands still clasped between them as they gave each other the confidence to keep going, lighting a spark of jealousy in Felix’s chest, “But whatever it was, it shattered that image that you two wouldn’t work out and it scared Minho. And he reacted the only way he knows how; by getting defensive and lashing out.”

Jisung and Jeongin both stopped, their explanation over as Felix just tried to process what the hell he had just heard.

He could feel his whole body shaking, his mind scrambling with his thoughts and his chest tightening with so many emotions he didn’t know how to deal with them. Felix didn’t know whether to be relieved, angry or heartbroken, whether to forgive, scream or forget, whether to even believe what was being said to him.

“How…” Felix’s voice cracked on the word, his posture slumping over as he stuck his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands, still trying to work out what the hell was going in his head, “How am I supposed to feel about this? What the hell am I supposed to do from here?”

Felix could barely speak, could barely get his words out, could barely even figure out what he wanted to say.

He wished the solution was right in front of him, wished there was some stupid cupid or god of love who could fire an arrow and all would be alright.

But it wasn’t that simple. Felix could see it now. This was a problem that had been going on and on for months, for longer than Felix could have even imagined. It had ended relationships and surpassed friendships and had built and festered for so long that Felix couldn’t see an end in sight anymore.

It didn’t matter that Felix and Minho had both liked each other for a long time. That wasn’t enough to make Minho’s fears go away and to make Felix’s insecurities disappear and to make everything comfortable between them.

It didn’t erase everyone Minho had dated. It didn’t get rid of Felix’s nasty break up. It didn’t suddenly make them perfect for each other.

Felix knew him and Minho couldn’t just move forward and forget everything that had happened; there was too much that had been damaged, too much that had been made public by the screaming from last night. But they also couldn’t move backwards and leave each other behind; Felix still liked Minho so frickin’ much, he wouldn’t be able to live without him.

But they couldn’t just stay in the same place either; both caged by their emotions and not strong enough to break free and run to each other, or to run away from each other if that was best.

They were keeping each other trapped.

And trapped people… trapped people always lashed out. People who have been backed into corners always shoved back.

That was what Minho had done the night before, what had caused the whole situation in the first place.

It needed to be fixed. They needed to set each other free.

But it wasn’t something that could just be fixed straight away. It would take time and conversations and inner-growth that both Minho and Felix would need to make if they had a chance to be strong enough to be together. Felix didn’t know if he had the strength for that, if he had the confidence and the self-worth and the ability to be good enough for someone.

Felix would do anything for Minho, even if it hurt him, and that could be exactly what happened.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” Felix said into his hands, his fingers gripping tightly to his hair. He was too tired to start crying but too desperate to think about doing anything else.

He just felt so alone.

But then there was the sound of chairs scraping back, of fast footsteps rounding the table, and then there were two presses of warmth against Felix’s sides, arms pulling him close and gripping him tight.

“You’ll know exactly what to do when the time comes,” Jisung whispered into Felix’s ear, Felix shivering at the words entering his mind, “I know this is a lot to take in and I know you  have such a strong loving urge to make everything right all the time, but this isn’t going to get fixed this morning.”

“You and Minho-hyung both need the time to just let yourselves feel,” Jeongin said, his nose nuzzling into Felix’s hair and breath comforting against his ears, “Take some time to cry, to get angry, to do whatever you need to do. And then when all the toxic emotions are gone, just go and talk to him. All the right words will come to you.”

“But I never have the right words,” Felix practically sobbed, the words being pushed firmly away by the gentle arms around him.

“You always have the right words when you’re around Minho-hyung,” Jisung said, and that was what made Felix really start crying.

Jisung was right.

Felix did always have the right words around Minho. Felix did always do the right things around him. Felix was just a better person around Minho.

Felix couldn’t let Minho go.

He didn’t know how the hell he was going to fix it, didn’t know how to make them both better, but Felix knew he had to do it. Minho made Felix better at everything, and that included learning to forgive and be happy.

But, for the moment, Felix was allowed to cry. Felix was allowed to nuzzle into the arms of his friends. Felix as allowed to learn how to focus on himself.

And, even if Changbin got annoyed that Felix spent all breakfast crying into the pancakes he’d made for him, they all knew that it was what Felix needed to do before he could focus on fixing things for good.

. . .

The next few days passed in a whirlwind of emotion.

Felix had mostly spent the time curled up in the apartment with Seungmin. The two of them had binged all the marvel movies, Changbin joining them for all the Thor ones, curled up under their Pokémon blankets with popcorn in front of them and heads on each other’s shoulders.

Hyunjin had even taken Felix shopping on one of these days, giving Changbin and Seungmin a chance to have their own movie date.

After dramatically recovering from his hangover, Hyunjin had worked hard to try and clean Felix’s t-shirt that he’d thrown up all over. But the t-shirt was white and the vomit had been relentless and Hyunjin eventually had to admit defeat, instead taking Felix shopping for some new clothes.

Felix had ended up with way too many new hoodies, a couple of beanies and a few more crop-tops that Hyunjin insisted Felix looked sexy in. The two also bought iced vanilla lattes and met up at the arcade with Jisung and Jeongin.

For the most part, Felix was distracted and content, but there were moments when Minho creeped back into his mind. At the arcade, Felix couldn’t help but think about how Minho would always desperately try to win him a teddy. When he was out shopping, Felix’s mind kept straying to how Minho would always try to get him and Felix matching earrings. Whilst he was watching the marvel movies, Felix couldn’t help but hear Minho’s voice in his ear talking about how much he loved Black Widow.

Minho was in everything Felix did, and it was simultaneously the most beautiful and the most painful thing in Felix’s world.

Night times were when Felix really got to think, when all his friends would stop trying to distract him and he’d stare at the ceiling and just think about all the craziness he was facing.

Minho had acted out of fear, had publicly humiliated Felix and made him feel like he wasn’t good enough and had run away from actions that Felix wasn’t ever going to be able to forget.

Minho had hurt Felix.

But, as angry as Felix was, he couldn’t get Jisung and Jeongin’s words out of his head. He couldn’t help but realise that, up until now, Minho had sacrificed everything for Felix. Minho had stepped away when Felix was with Chenle, had been nothing more than a comforting friend when Felix and Chenle broke up and had been trying to protect him ever since.

However, that didn’t excuse what he’d done at the party. Felix could still feel Minho’s lips leaving his own, could still see the regret and shame on his face, could still weep over how Minho’s words had caused Felix’s heart to break.

And Felix knew that maybe all of it could have been avoided if Felix and Minho had just spoken to each other from the start, if they hadn’t both been so wrapped up in their own doubts that they hadn’t seen the same happening to the other.

It only further proved the point that they really needed to talk. They needed to address their communication issues and fix them to try and prevent another argument from ever happening again. They needed to try and stop more rejections and heartbreak and broken love that they’d unintentionally been giving each other for months.

Felix knew he needed to call Minho.

He finally came to that conclusion at 2am on a random Tuesday night, sat on his window sill staring at the stars above him, thinking about how they were almost as beautiful as the stars he saw in Minho’s eyes, how the stars in Minho’s eyes were a lot closer and a lot easier to touch than the stars in the sky were.

Felix needed to do it. He needed to grab his shooting star. He needed to catch Minho now or he’d be lost in space forever.

So, Felix decided that when he woke up the next day, he would call Minho. That would mean Felix would have time to work out what to say and he wouldn’t accidentally wake up Minho in the middle of the night with a phone call.

But, like the plan Felix had made on the night of the party, that was not at all how Felix’s night unfolded.

He decided to go the studio, to dance for a few hours to clear his head before he’d have to call Minho. It was a fool-proof plan, a way to avoid as much stress as possible and keep Felix as calm as he could be.

Or so Felix thought.

Music was already flowing through the building when Felix let himself in, his eyebrows drawing together and skin beginning to tingle with anticipation.

It wasn’t often people were practicing so late. Sure, dancers were a nocturnal breed, but the darkness outside the windows and the quiet of the street outside the studio was usually enough to lure all dancers back to their beds.

Unless, they were dancing to run away from something, which was exactly what Felix was doing.

And also, exactly what Minho was doing.

Minho was in the room at the very end of the corridor; the one with the largest mirrors and the windows with a moonlight view, casting the room in an ethereal glow that became addicting on long nights fuelled by iridescent songs.

The song was a slow one. The lyrics were sad and the rhythm was melancholy and the beat was far too gentle to be anything like the pounding of Felix’s heart in his chest. And yet, Felix felt attached to the song as he slipped into the doorway, fingers clutching his phone to his chest and his eyes wide.

Minho was moving so beautifully.

He danced from his fingers to his toes, every note rippling gorgeously over every inch of his skin as he mastered control of every muscle, every bone and every joint. Minho had such strong dancer discipline, had such wonderful technique, had the ability to capture a whole room with just the twist of a wrist.

Each one of Minho’s moves flowed perfectly into the next. Each new beat in the song pounded through his body. Each tender sway of the rhythm swirled beautifully through him.

Minho was perfect.

Felix couldn’t help but notice the irony of it. Before this, it’d been Minho watching Felix through the mirrors, Minho stealing glances that Felix never saw, Minho standing silently in love and only ever admiring from afar.

But here Felix was, watching Minho through the mirror, feeling his veins tingle with love.

It was love that Felix was finally going to receive back. 

The song ended with a slow descent, Minho’s body gradually fading into its ending position and his limbs relaxing into the beautiful pose he was finishing on. One of his arms was stretched above him, his eyes finally open to stare at the way his fingers were curling, one of his toes pointed behind him and his back slightly arched. His neck was glistening with sweat, his hair falling messily over his forehead and the moonlight sparkling over him in a way that had Felix’s breath getting caught in his throat.

Felix couldn’t help it, he started clapping.

The kiss and the argument and the constant struggles were all forgotten as Felix was finally able to admire who Minho was. When Minho let go of all that worried him to perform a glorious dance in the quiet of the night.

But all the tension was suddenly sucked back into the room like an elastic band snapping into place.

Minho flinched at the sudden noise, his posture springing straight as his gaze flung to the mirror, meeting Felix’s eyes in a moment of pure panic.

Silence stretched uncomfortably between them, Felix suddenly feeling very out of place as Minho just stared at him like he wasn’t sure what he was doing there.

“Felix?” Minho eventually said, turning so that he was no longer staring at Felix in the mirror, his once-loose dancer limbs now tense and jittery as he let his hair fall into his eyes, “What are you doing here?”

“I… um… I kinda decided that I was going to call you in the morning and I came here to try and clear my head beforehand,” Felix stuttered, fiddling with his hands for a moment before he took a step forward, forcing a deep breath into his lungs, “We… we really need to talk.”

Minho stilled, his chest stopping its movement for a second before he nodded, looking up at Felix through his bangs, “Yeah, we do.”

Felix couldn’t help but sigh in relief at the words, a part of him still scared that Minho would only run away again, that Felix would once more be left crying to the sound of a door slamming, “Okay hyung,” Felix managed to nod, “I’ll start.”

“No,” Minho interrupted suddenly, Felix unable to hold back the slight coil of panic in his gut when Minho took a step towards him, “I’ll start.”

The tension in the room only got thicker, Felix practically holding his breath as he waited for Minho to speak. Felix knew there was no way he could stop Minho without deleting the tiny amount of progress they’d made, but Felix was still scared. He could still hear Minho’s words from the party, was still terrified of being made to feel like he wasn’t good enough.

But then Minho took another step forward, and his eyes softened so much they sprang with tears.

“Felix, I am so, so, so goddamn sorry,” Minho said, his voice devastated and his eyes pleading as Felix had to hold back his gasp, “What I did at the party… there’s no excuses for it.”

Felix’s immediate reaction was to rush to Minho and give into his sad eyes and tell him it was all okay, tell him he didn’t need an excuse, tell him Felix could just forget about it and everything could back to normal.

But Felix couldn’t forget about it. The normal they’d created was the problem in the first place.

So, Felix forced himself to stay where he was. He had to stand up for himself. Him and Minho had only ended up hurt because they’d both been too busy facilitating for the other’s emotions that they’d refused to confront their own, Felix couldn’t be responsible for continuing that destructive behaviour.

“I wish… I wish I could tell you that I forgive you and we’re okay, but I don’t know if I can do that,” Felix managed to say, almost giving in when Minho nodded in so much understanding that it broke Felix’s heart, but he forced himself to carry on, “Why did you do it, hyung? Why did you say those things?”

Realistically, Felix already knew why Minho had done what he did; Jisung and Jeongin had already explained his actions. But Felix wanted to give Minho a chance to explain it himself, to allow them both to stop relying on the words of other people to be able to be kind to themselves.

“I really didn’t think you’d want me, Felix,” Minho said, fiddling with his fingers as he ducked his gaze in what looked like shame, “You know how many people I’ve dated. You know what I’m like. I just thought the alcohol and the feeling of the night and all the lovey-dovey stuff Hyunjin had been saying had gotten to you. I thought you wouldn’t have kissed me if we’d been anywhere else.”

“So, you ran away?” Felix couldn’t help but say, the horrible embarrassment of the night once more swirling in his chest as he had to bite back an accusing tone that he knew he didn’t really mean, “Instead of just talking to me, you ran away and told me it wasn’t going to happen in front of everyone? You made me feel so stupid.”

Felix could see Minho fighting back a flinch, his gaze still ducked and his shoulders slumped as Felix watched him take a deep breath, adams apple bobbing a couple of times before he responded.

“I know it was wrong, angel,” Minho said softly, his voice dripping with guilt, “It was the completely wrong thing to do, but I just panicked. I’ve had feelings for you for a long, long time and, no matter what I do, I’ve never gotten better at handling them.”

“I know,” Felix said, keeping his gaze level when Minho’s eyes shot up to look at him, glowing with unshed tears and a slight tinge of shock.

Felix knew he could be about to say the wrong thing. Felix knew it was dangerous to admit that he was aware of all Minho’s feelings and actions towards him, but the two of them needed to be honest with each other. Their communication issues wouldn’t ever be fixed if they kept keeping things from one another.

“I talked to Jisung and Jeongin the morning after the party,” Felix was proud of the way he kept his voice steady, “They told me about the double date… and everything that came after.”

A harsh breath left Minho’s mouth as he winced, his eyes closing and a hand coming up to rub over his forehead, “I’m going to kill those two idiots.”

“Just like you’re going to kill Hyunjin for telling me that you watched me through the mirrors?” Felix asked, making a point of stepping forward so that Minho would look at him again, “Hyung, our friends are better at communicating for us than we are. We… we have to fix this.”

Minho just opened his eyes and stared at Felix for a few seconds, the words seeming to settle in before he nodded, defeat written all over his face.

But it wasn’t just defeat. Minho did look completely resigned, but there was something still in the back of his eyes, something still twinkling. He still had the universe in his gaze, no matter how hard he seemed to be trying to dim it.

“You’re right,” Minho managed to say eventually, swallowing around the words as Felix felt himself sag in relief, “I’m sorry that I never told you about any of that stuff.”

“It’s okay,” Felix said, his chest fluttering as he tentatively reached out to take one of Minho’s hands, “I’m not saying I can just forget about what happened at the party, but I know I played a part in it too. I should have come to you about my feelings for you, I was just so scared after my last break-up.”

Minho squeezed Felix’s hand back, his eyes twinkling harder as Felix managed to smile at him, “We were both scared, but we’re going to fix that now.”

“We’re actually going to communicate,” Felix said, “Be honest with each other.”

“Yeah, we will,” Minho nodded, the defeat on his face finally changing to determination, the last remnant fading away when he bit his lip for a second, a flicker of uncertainty flitting over his features before he levelled his eyes directly onto Felix’s, “So… are we friends again?”

Felix couldn’t hold back a giggle, holding up his free hand when Minho’s face fell, “Hyung, I think just being friends was what got us into this situation in the first place. I think it’s safe to say that we both want to be more.”

“But,” Minho tilted his head, squeezing Felix’s hand again even when his eyes sparkled with confusion, “The party… we tried to be more than friends then. It didn’t work out.”

“That’s because we were rushing into it, hyung,” Felix said, shuffling forward slightly so the gap between them narrowed once more, “We need to take it slow this time. We don’t need to be together straight away. We just need to keep moving slowly forward. Be honest with each other every step of the way.”

“Take it slow?” Minho echoed, his face clouding over in thought before he nodded, looking back to Felix with a small smile, “So… how do we start?”

“Well…” Felix drew the word out, his breath stuttering slightly when he realised he had actually no idea how he wanted to start.

But then Felix heard Jisung’s voice, he felt Jeongin’s breath against his ear, he felt Seungmin’s hand around his back.

“You and Minho-hyung both need the time to just let yourselves feel,” Jeongin said, his nose nuzzling into Felix’s hair and breath comforting against his ears, “Take some time to cry, to get angry, to do whatever you need to do. And then when all the toxic emotions are gone, just go and talk to him. All the right words will come to you.”

All the toxic emotions were gone. Felix had cried all the tears he needed to cry. The anger had all faded away.

Felix should know exactly what to say.

“You always have the right words when you’re around Minho-hyung,” Jisung said, and that was what made Felix really start crying.

Jisung was still right. Felix did still have all the words around Minho.

“I want to believe you, Lixie,” Seungmin said, his eyes sad but insistent as Felix looked up at him, “But Minho-hyung is the first person you’ve liked since Chenle ended it with you and that was months ago. I really don’t think it’s going to be that simple.”

Minho really was the first person Felix had liked since his last boyfriend. Seungmin was right to see that in Felix. But Seungmin was also wrong… it really could be that simple.

“Hyung,” Felix straightened up, smiling with as much confidence as he could manage, “Take me on a date.”

Minho’s mouth fell open, his eyes narrowing and face hardening as he studied Felix, “A date?”

“Just one date,” Felix said, desperately trying to keep his confidence in place, “For now.”

“Are… are you sure?” Minho still looked confused, his fingers beginning to play nervously with Felix’s, “Is this really the best place to start?”

“Where better?” Felix said, “Hyung, our biggest problem up until this point was that neither of us was brave enough to ask the other out. So, this is me, asking you out.”

Felix couldn’t help but smile wider as he said the words, Minho grinning when he realised what was saying, “You’re asking me out on a date?”

“Yes,” Felix giggled, his hand gently pulling Minho one last tiny step towards him as the distance between them finally closed, “But you still have to take me, to say sorry for everything at the party.”

“Is that so, angel?” Minho said softly, his eyes now fully sparkling as he raked his gaze over the faint blush on Felix’s cheeks, “In that case, I’d be honoured to take you on a date.”

The words had happiness blooming in Felix’s chest, his heart pounding with warmth as he couldn’t resist leaning forward and planting a peck on Minho’s lips.

It wasn’t a full kiss, it would be a long time before they reached that point again, but it was still a tiny explosion of fireworks glittering between them. Minho’s lips no longer tasted like the cheap, store-bought wine, but they were still sweet and still tinged with pink, still the best thing Felix had ever tasted.

“Lee Felix,” Minho’s eyes were practically glowing for a second, the moonlight illuminating them in gold, “Friday night, 6pm. Wear your cutest outfit and wait for me to pick you up at your apartment, I’m going to take you on the date on your life.”