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“Leave the city and,” Jace’s voice cracked horribly, “and never return.”
Simon’s world was crashing around him. He wanted to believe this was a nightmare; a horrible tragedy his brain invented to torture him. He wanted to wake up, Jace’s arms wrapped tight around his middle, and turn around to bury himself in Jace’s scent. For Jace to chase away all the awful things that never happened like he’s done so many nights.
But the cold was biting his cheeks, and he could smell the saltwater from Jace’s tears, and he knew that all of this was heartrendingly real. Even if he desperately didn’t want it to be. The man he loved more than his own heart was telling him to leave and never come back.
“I…no, Jace,” His voice was shaking, lungs twisting into something raw. The winter wind was biting into his bones, and Simon felt like it could blow him away at any moment.
Jace was shaking, and it wasn’t from the cold. He could see in Jace’s eyes that he knew he was losing the one thing he always felt like he didn’t deserve. He swallowed thickly, like there was broken glass in his throat.
“You have to. Don’t you get it, Simon?” He threw his hands wide, gesturing to what remained of his boathouse. Ash and broken wood. “They’ll never stop coming for you and it’s my-” He choked suddenly, the acid in the next words burning before they got out.
And it’s my fault.
It was raining. Simon wished it was raining. But he was crying, hands curling and uncurling because he wanted to reach for Jace, to draw him into his arms and whisper fiercely, We’ll find a way out of this. We always do.
But it was a bitter fantasy. He was reminded of that when Jace roughly scrubbed at his face, trying to wipe away any sign of the feelings. Simon felt like he was scrubbing away everything left between them.
“I got you into this mess. My blood turned you into a Daylighter. You have to leave.” He tried to hide the pain in his voice, tried the drag up the walls Simon had carefully dismantled, piece by piece.
And Simon was suddenly furious.
“They’ll find me wherever I go! It doesn’t matter if I’m in New York!” His tears were ashes, ever-present and suffocating.
“You’re safer away from me.” Jace said. Simon could tell he really believed that, and something was breaking here, between them. Simon felt the cracks like they were running down his own soul. If he even still had one.
“That’s bullshit and you know it.” And just like that, his anger was fizzled. He was afraid. He had been afraid since that first night, when Jace materialized in front of him and Clary. He likes to think he knew, even back then; he knew that something was changing, beginning, ending. He had been afraid and excited, but the luster wore off when people started dying and all that was left was the fear, the paranoia. Even with his supernatural strength and speed, he was never safe.
Until he was. With Jace.
He liked to think they could take on the world together. He felt invincible whenever Jace sent him that private smile; one that seemed made just for him. Simon and his angel; they could take over the world.
They couldn’t. They couldn’t even stay together without the world tearing them apart.
“Please.” Was all he could say.
Please don’t send me away.
Please don’t let me go.
Please don’t take away the only thing that makes me feel alive.
But Jace was something determined and tragic. “I love you, and I only put you in danger.”
He took a step back, like he had to distance himself before he did something he would regret.
“Don’t,” It was a broken whisper, but Simon had to try. He was gripping desperately at the edge of a cliff he had already fallen off of.
“If you come back, we’ll know. And I’ll drive you out again.” The tears on Jace’s face looked like cracked moonlight as he turned, walking into the unforgiving night. He didn’t look back, but Simon was sure he could hear when he fell to his knees.
He couldn’t help but wonder, as tiny snowflakes brushed his cheeks, if Jace regretted him.