Work Text:
"This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we discuss the confusing events that happened at Middleborough High School in New Jersey in 2015. Yikes."
(Wheeze) What do you mean, yikes?
Things that happen in the past 5 years is a little too soon for me. It's like The Watcher.
All these people are alive still, most of them are still in college!
College?
High School is in the name of the episode. They were high schoolers.
Oh, I thought they were, like... janitors or something.
A high school, your first thought for people there are janitors?
They're important!
...Let's get into the episode.
On September 7, 2015, High School student Jeremy Heere attended a normal day of the school year. It should be mentioned that according to many of his friends he was not very popular among his peers at that time.
(wheeze) ...You wanna repeat that last sentence?
They were friends he made after that.
Well, then, how did they know he wasn't popular?
Because they went to the same school, I assume.
Okay, that's fair. Continue.
According to his best friend, Michael Mell, '...Jeremy hated being a loser. It always bothered him that I was his only friend.' I-
OUCH.
Yeah, quite the burn from good ol' Mikey there.
Okay, I'm gonna say it now, I don't trust him. I bet he did it.
You don't even know what 'it' is, yet!
No, I did a little googling at home. A house got set on fire
and the entire cast of the school play was tripping balls
and all had to go to the hospital.
I mean, he was known for drug use...
See? I knew it!
...But he was never known for doing any hallucinogenic substances.
What did he do then, cocaine? Heroin?
Pot. (wheeze) How did you forget pot?
I don't know. We have a mystery to be covering.
Tell us more about this very popular high schooler with one friend.
Also according to Mell, Heere had a massive crush on a classmate at the time.
(wheeze) This sounds like an 80s movie pitch.
'Okay, so we got this guy. He's not really that popular and he's got ONE friend who's a stoner.'
'okay... go on.'
'He's got a HUGE crush on a popular girl'...
'Oh, this is BRAND NEW, I've never heard anything like it! You're hired.'
'We're gonna make SO much money on this new and original idea!'
Shut up, I've gotta tell the story.
Fine.
The same day, Heere and Mell went to his house and played video games for several hours. Heere told Mell about a, quote, 'sorta drug' that could, quote, 'fix him.'
Whose house?
(wheeze) Really? Of all the things you could be thinking about, you're wondering whose house it was?
Yeah, that could have, like, some bearing on the case.
...I think it was Jeremy's. I dunno, though.
Okay... Why is this Michael guy talking about it instead of Jeremy?
You said they're in college, why don't we ask him?
He refuses to talk about it with anyone other than his friends,
but he did give us permission to ask his friends about it.
Ouch.
Yeah.
So, tell us about these drugs.
Jeremy had apparently been told about it by his then-bully, now friend, Richard Goranski.
Goranski had apparently been using them since freshman year. Quote, 'I don't remember the name... They were a long lasting drug, the guy I bought them from said they'd help, I'd been absolutely suicidal at the time so of course I took the shit.'
Then-bully, now-friend? How the fuck did that happen?
I dunno, man, that's what he told me.
This Jeremy dude's an idiot, honestly.
He bought drugs from his bully and went 'Oh, yeah, this'll turn out great!'
Actually, he didn't buy them from Goranski, he researched
the dude who sold them to him and bought it straight from the source.
That's smart of him.
Yeah, well, it gets worse.
Heere bought the drug and reportedly changed drastically almost immediately after taking it. Brooke Lohst and Chloe Valentine, classmates of his, reported meeting him in the mall soon afterwards. 'He was dazed and confused... Talking to us he'd respond and then backtrack and completely contradict his first answers. He was holding a girl's blouse and started telling us some story about how he'd dated a girl Chloe disliked and the shirt reminded him of it... It's stupid to admit it, but I had a crush on him at the time and it didn't faze me at all. I offered him a ride and he said he already had one. Later I saw him walking home.'
He was off his rocker.
No, we have nothing to suggest that-
You literally just said he was dazed, confused, and contradicting himself!
While under the influence of a new drug that he may have slightly overdosed on!
So he wasn't like this after?
Apparently there were a few moments where he showed such behavior, but no more than the average person.
Okay, I'll accept that, but still: He was clearly not 100%.
You know what? That's fair. Let's get back into it.
The next day at school, many of his peers noticed his change in attitude. He was more confident, spoke better, even stood up straighter. Many of his friends refused to give any comments on this other than Brooke Lohst and Michael Mell, who-
Ah! Good ol' Mikey boy is back!
According to Mell, quote, 'It was like he looked right past me. The whole day. We don't know why or how, but it continued for months.'
Okay, I call bullshit on that.
We literally have people who went to the school that can witness that
several times Mell stood right next to him and yelled his name with no result.
How is that even possible?
I don't know, man, but it happened, so...
Maybe it didn't! This could be some elaborate hoax.
...It isn't, though.
Lohst began dating Heere in the following month. However, on October 31, 2015,-
I don't like the sound of this.
You shouldn't. It gets bad.
On October 31, 2015, Heere attended a Halloween party at the house of Jacob Dillinger, which was attended by all the previously mentioned classmates. Like any teenage party, drama went down, but two details are particularly important: Mell confronted Heere in one of the bathrooms over the drug,
How? I thought Jeremy couldn't see him?
Apparently the drug's effects are counteracted by alcohol.
Mell and Heere argued for a few moments before Heere stormed out. Soon after that, Richard Goranski began wandering around the party asking if anyone there had any Mountain Dew Red, a soda discontinued in 1988-
You're shitting me, right? Mountain Dew??
Nope. Goranski was reportedly in a state of panic as he asked every guest he could find if they had any Red. When none, obviously, came forward and offered the rare drink, he, according to Jacob Dillinger, 'yelled "WARNING" a bunch of times and ran upstairs but, I know Rich's voice and that wasn't rich's voice, I dunno what was going on...'
(wheeze) What
That's what he told me, dude, you can ask him.
A few minutes later, the upstairs was on fire. The fire was ruled an accident, but rumors flew around the school for weeks after Goranski was hospitalized after getting stuck in the guest bedroom where the fire supposedly originated. Goranski was only saved because Dillinger ran upstairs, found him, and got him to safety via a second-floor window. Dillinger broke both his legs.
Intense.
Yeah, it was a pretty crazy night for all of them.
Did you ask Rich if he set the fire?
Of course not, man, what do you think? He's fucking
traumatized from being stuck there and thinking he was gonna die.
That makes sense. I would've liked to know, though.
Well then, you ask him.
2 weeks later, Middleborough High School's performance of- uh- (shuffling paper noises) A Midsummer Nightmare about Zombies...?
A what
It was (wheeze) It was a zombie apocalypse version of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's dream.
Oh.
In the words of an eyewitness, 'The trouble started in the first scene, we heard someone shouting but we couldn't hear the other half of the conversation , I pulled my phone out and started recording as soon as I could...'
And do we have the audio?
Actually, yes. It's... weird.
Oh no.
[audio clip]
unknown voice: -the whole cast!
(a pause)
voice: (unclear) not what I wanted!
(another pause)
voice: ...I'll fight back, alcohol (unclear) up, right? I'll get drunk!
(another pause)
voice: you're a commuter, there has to be a way to turn you off!
(longer pause)
voice: (unclear)! green (unclear) activates you, red shuts you off!
(pause)
voice: (unclear) who's so (unclear) he buys (unclear) drinks from the back room at Spencer's gifts!
(pause)
voice: MICHAEL! CALL MICHAEL-
That's all of the audio that's relevant right now.
What the- What was that?
That's the thing, we don't know. To conclude quickly, the witness reported that Michael Mell-
Our boy Mikey is back!
-Jumped up with a bottle of the previously mentioned Mountain Dew Red from the party
and began to fistfight Heere. After that, the theater's audience started being evacuated
as quickly as possible. The witness does report one more thing, though
What.
The entire cast, screaming. For like 2 minutes straight.
Someone called an ambulance, and there was no physical evidence of anything out of the ordinary
having happened with any of them. And now, let's get into some theories.
Oh, these are gonna be juicy.
(laugh) Yeah, they are.
The first theory is that Jeremy Heere was schizophrenic.
...Okay...
The only issue with this theory is, it doesn't hold water at all.
Only someone whose only understanding of mental illnesses comes from movies would accept this.
I'd go into more detail, but it really isn't necessary. Why would he avoid treatment other than shady drugs from a shoe store if this were the case?
Drugs from a what
The drugs were sold by the clerk at a shoe store.
Fucking hell, dude.
The only support this really has is Jeremy's recorded conversation with seemingly no-one.
Which could be explained as him experiencing auditory hallucinations, but... lack of sleep can cause auditory hallucinations,
lots of things can. They're not something unique to schizophrenia.
So we're tossing this one out.
Yes.
Our second theory... is aliens.
This is only the second?? How many theories do we have?
Four.
You've gotta be shitting me.
The alien theory is likewise baseless. It ends up resembling the plot of The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals, if you know what that is.
I don't
It's a musical about a guy who doesn't like musicals and where an asteroid falls to earth
which infects people and makes them sing and dance.
That's quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard
It's actually pretty good. Anyway, the theory goes that Jeremy Heere somehow got himself abducted
and replaced by an alien clone with orders to destroy humanity,
only for it to go rogue and constantly argue with the mothership.
(wheeze) What
I dunno, man, I'm just reading off the paper here.
I don't even want to know what the next two are.
And our third theory...
I'm just wondering how you're gonna come up with a dumber theory than aliens... Don't say it. I'll kill you.
Brain robots.
Oh my god, that's worse.
Oh, I've got a worse one after that.
This one has a surprising amount of evidence to back it: The S-Q-U-I-P conspiracy
The what
Squip for short, there are debates on what it stands for, but Christine Canigula
(Heere's previously mentioned crush) says it stands for
Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor, so that's what we're going with
Do people just throw the word quantum in things to made it seem more science-y
Yeah, probably. But seriously, this theory explains a lot. There's a lot of variants, but the theory is as follows:
There is an experimental tech project which is like a hyper-advanced Siri in a pill-
(shuffling noises)
W-what are you doing
I was stretching, getting prepared to reach even further.
No, a lot of people actually believe this!
There is an experimental Artificial Intelligence one takes in a pill, which green Mountain Dew activates.
Mountain Dew. You're kidding me, right?
Nope, that's what the theory says. Green Mountain Dew activates it, Mountain Dew Red deactivates it.
The soda that was discontinued in 1988.
Hang on, I'll get there.
According to a person on a forum who will remain unmentioned for their own safety,-
Their own safety??? Are lives on the line here?
Ryan, what about our safety?
I don't want some nerds calling in a hit on me because my dumbass friend talked about Mountain Dew too much.
Well...
...Well?
Let me explain what they said first before I start talking about the theory's past.
They said that Mountain Dew Red was discontinued because it was the only known substance that could easily dissolve the quantum processor of a SQUIP.
Quantum!
Their words, not mine.
Why would they discontinue the one thing that could get rid of risky tech like that?
Because that's the one thing that can get rid of it. But think about it, dude, this theory makes sense.
The audio clip, Heere's sudden change in behavior, Goranski setting the house on fire... The audio clip said 'commuter,' but many agree that he probably said 'computer' quickly. My Alexa does the same thing at home. It makes the most sense of all the theories, I'd say.
Anyway, According to [REDACTED], SQUIPs are used by many politicians, celebrities, and famous scientists
for such things as how to best uphold a persona, quickly calculating possible outcomes, and even just calculating advanced equations.
So it's like a brain calculator
It gets better. According to many sources, the SQUIP unit essentially becomes in control of the user's brain-
That's not at all creepy.
And by this, get this, the computer is able to generate a body and voice
which it has deemed the most likely for the user to accept advice from
(wheeze) So you're telling me I could have the Mothman telling me my GPS directions
Apparently a common form is Keanu Reeves
(laugh) You're making this up, right? Like Oh, yeah. I want that guy with the dog to be telling me how to make soup.
I bet he knows how to be cool.
(wheeze) No, man, that's part of the theory! Right there. Right next to 'estimated that 1 in every 5 people has a SQUIP'
One in FIVE???
Yeah, dude. One of us could have one.
...Is this your way of saying you have a SQUIP?
(chuckle) Let's get on to the violent history of the SQUIP theory.
The first known mention of SQUIPs was in the journal of 37-year-old Thomas Wells in 1985. Thomas writes:
'I got a thing called a Squip from Ted. He says it'll help. I don't know, though.'
He writes normally in the journal from then forward, a few mentions to his "friend", his SQUIP, until 1989, when the journal abruptly stops.
The last entry is:
'The voice in my head is too loud, there's no way to get it out. I told everyone I knew about it, they think I'm crazy. I think I might be going crazy too. Please, if you find this, don't take any grey pills with Mountain Dew.' He disappeared two days later, it's presumed that he committed suicide.
Whoa.
That's not the darkest or weirdest it gets. From then onward, people who put anything online about SQUIPS
have often found those messages deleted, even accounts deleted, or in the most extreme cases,
have died in mysterious circumstances or disappeared like Thomas Wells. There are people who have dedicated their lives to figuring this out.
Perhaps one of the most disturbing variants of the theory is that the A.I. tech isn't actually artificial at all.
...Come again?
Essentially there are some that believe that SQUIPs are not computers,
but people who have had to be 'done away with' for some reason or other,
kept in stasis and their minds and experiences used for the better understanding of how humans function for the sake of the user.
So... the idea is that the computer A.I. whatever is actually the brain of a person in stasis? What is this, Star Wars: The Clone Wars? Captain America?
Yeah, kinda
Ryan.
What.
We're publishing a video that's been like 50% about this theory.
Yeah?
Aren't you a little worried in the slightest that one of us might get kidnapped by mad scientists who wanna turn us into computers?
Not really, no
One of them could be watching the show right now.
Shit, dude, don't get me worried about that.
Did no one ask Jeremy which one was the right theory?
He refused to give any answer. As did his friends.
Damn.
Well, before we finish, we've got one more theory: Demons.
What.
Theory is just that Jeremy was possessed by a demon. Nothing more to it than that.
Wow, that's a...
Shitty theory? Yeah.
Well, guess that wraps it up, then.
We may never know what happened at Middleborough high school. But for now, and perhaps forever, it will remain... unsolved.