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She’d been feeling weird lately. Just… Off. Catching herself looking too long out a window, getting lost in stirring a cup of coffee, walking into a room and forgetting why she was there in the first place. Off in a way she hadn’t felt since the day they found him. The day she found Connor.
After that day, she’d ask herself- What if I tried harder? What if things were different? Could I have saved him?
She tries not to go there. Not now. Sometimes she can go days, weeks, even months without thinking about it. Without thinking about Connor at all. But there are other times when it gets particularly bad. Like when a glass cup accidentally slipped out of her hold and the crash was so unbearably loud in that it left her both shaky, and unable to move (thank god mom was in the living room). Or, that time when Evan and Zoe were teenagers new to love, and Evan tried to get her attention by touching her elbow from behind; Zoe flinched away so fast that to this day, Evan will never forgive himself for not being more thoughtful (she told him it wasn't his fault). And, of course, the occasional nightmares that bring her back to the parts of her childhood she'd rather forget (in these moments, she's the one apologizing to Evan for waking him up).
But lately, it’s been different. Sure, Connor was gone; but the anxiety that came out of his death never really went away for good.
It’s not like she didn’t know Connor had those feelings. His sudden outbursts, his lack of friends- it had to all come down to something. But still, she never really considered that Connor would really… do it. And it made her even more guilty that she didn’t do anything to stop it.
“Hey, Zo?” Evan notices that she’s been looking out of their kitchen window a little too long again.
Zoe looks at him. “Sorry, I was just lost in thought... Again”
He gives her a comforting smile. “That’s okay. You just seem sort of... distracted lately? Is everything okay?” Evan’s eyes are too sincere to ignore.
---
She remembers the day Evan let her a little more into his past. It was back in high school. At first, Zoe thought he was just late; but he’d skipped all of his classes that day and wasn’t answering his phone. So naturally, as any good girlfriend would do, she drove over to his place after school to check on him. Just to make sure.
She remembers the look of shame on his face, in his eyes, in his voice, when he told her how bad his bad days could get. How his intrusive thoughts led him to let go that summer. And Zoe couldn’t help but think about how he let go in the same way that Connor did just a year or so before. They cried as she held him, and promised herself that she would do anything in her power to prevent something like that from ever happening again.
She remembers whispering, "It's okay. You're okay. I won't leave".
---
She looks at him, her eyes starting to shine over a little. “You would tell me. Wouldn’t you? If there was something wrong. If you were starting to get bad again. You would tell me?”
Her voice starts to sound a little shaky. That’s always what happened to Zoe when she got scared, even back then when Connor would pound at her door or chase her down the hallway: shaky voice, shaky hands, shaky breath. It’s sort of like a signal that she’s going to her own bad place. Just hearing a note of shakiness alone makes Evan want to throw up.
Evan is shocked. “What… what are you talking about?” he says softly. He goes over to her, takes one hand into his, and uses his other hand to rub her arm hoping that it might calm her down.
The thoughts start to build up, and his acts of affection makes her want to cry even more. Through sniffles and shaky breaths, Zoe holds his arms, looks into his eyes, and repeats herself. “You would tell me, wouldn’t you? Because… you know you can trust me. I wouldn’t get mad, I wouldn't judge, I… ”
At this, Evan shakes his head and takes Zoe in his arms. He holds her in silence for a second with her head under his chin. In these moments, he can’t believe that she’s really his. That she really chose him. He knows she’ll always be there when he’s not at his best; and it breaks his heart to see that she still struggles with her own demons, too. Rubbing her back, he says, “Zoe… I’ve been fine. Really, I’m fine. But if I ever felt like I was getting bad again, of course I would tell you. I promise I would tell you. Please don’t cry, Zo. Please don’t cry”
After a few moments, they pull a part only slightly. Zoe looks up as Evan realizes where Zoe’s fears are coming from. “Zoe… that day with Connor? It was never your fault. It was never anyone’s fault. When you’re in that moment… Evan looks down- he always had trouble looking into Zoe’s eyes when talking about this stuff. “you make that decision for yourself. You’re caught up in your thoughts. It’s not just one thing or one person, it’s… it’s everything. And it’s horrible to admit it, but it’s true. I know you hate that he’s gone. And you hate that… you didn’t do anything. But you couldn’t have done anything”.
Evan wipes a stray tear, and notices that there are tears in his own eyes, too. “Hey,” he says. This time he manages to find the quiet strength to look into Zoe’s eyes. “I’m sorry he’s gone,” he whispers.
“I know,” Zoe replies. Her breathing has leveled. Her hands calmed. She brings one hand to his cheek and holds it there, until he takes it and puts it to his lips to kiss. “I love you,” she says. “And I’m really glad you’re here. I’m really glad you’re alive”.
He gives her his goofy, love-struck smile. “I love you too”