Chapter Text
Yoongi decides that, ultimately, love is a sacrifice. He doesn’t mind spending the rest of his life with Seokjin. That’s what he tells himself.
He sleeps easier this way.
-
Seokjin is in the shower.
He lights up one of the candles Seokjin bought and holds his string over it. The fire goes right through, but for a moment, Yoongi lets himself believe that the string is disappearing into the flames.
He hovers too close and his pinky gets too close to the flame. “Fuck,” Yoongi hisses out as the flame whips against his pinky. His string is still intact, and Yoongi latches his mouth to the burn, hoping to soothe down the growing red of the skin.
When Seokjin comes out of the shower, he looks just like the day Yoongi met him.
“Did you just light up one of my candles?” Seokjin frowns when he sees the dimly lit candle already melting at the edges. “I was saving that.”
“Oops,” Yoongi had said, “I liked the smell of it.”
-
“I love you,” Yoongi murmurs against Seokjin’s skin that night.
Seokjin arches his back, lets out a content sigh, and Yoongi tries not to think about how the string wrapped on his finger feels like it’s holding him back, like he is betraying someone he doesn’t even know. Every touch becomes hesitant, every movement reluctant.
Seokjin had looked at him, after they were done, and there was a look in his eyes Yoongi couldn’t decipher. “You’re always so rough,” Seokjin noted, tucking himself into the bed, “That was a nice change.”
(Yoongi knows him, his soulmate, even if he has never met him.
His perfect half, everyone will say, the person that makes life worth living.
Seokjin makes life worth living, Yoongi tells himself.
He pushes away the tiny voice in his head, the one that whispers a thought so haunting Yoongi will never be able to put it into words. Seokjin makes life worth living, Yoongi repeats in his head.
He repeats it until the voice withers away, and he wonders how many times he can say something, before it feels like he can actually mean it.)
-
Yoongi leaves the house to get coffee. Seokjin is attending class, and the cabinet is empty of the coffee grinds that Yoongi likes. He could text Seokjin to bring some back when he’s done with class, but Seokjin always gets the mix that he hates, and Yoongi needs to see a bit of sun today. His skin is deathly pale from how he’s holed himself up in his room to compose the last few tracks for the company.
The coffee shop is close by, a little place that he and Seokjin frequented, back when they had more time for each other.
Now, it’s just something of a distant memory.
Yoongi is waiting in line when he notices the skin on his pinky tugging gently, and then the string straightening to somewhere behind him. Yoongi freezes, staring at the way the string is calling out to him, and suddenly, the string is tugging so persistently that Yoongi finds himself turning around, facing this stranger, who looks at him then -
And in that moment - Yoongi suddenly understood why soulmates were such a treasured thing. In that moment, as Yoongi catches the stranger’s eyes, something delicate churns in him, and it feels like something has bloomed in his heart, making space for someone new to come in.
It’s a warm feeling, Yoongi thinks, it’s warm and tender, and something about it makes Yoongi feel inexplicably… Safe. He can trust this stranger. He can love this stranger.
“You’re my soulmate!” The man says, first. He smiles then, lips stretching out into a smile that reaches the edges of his eyes. He is bright, from his dyed hair to his outfit, he radiates the sun in a way that Yoongi has never seen before.
(He is everything Seokjin is not.)
“I’m Jung Hoseok,” he says, “I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner.” He stretches out his arms and pulls Yoongi into a hug.
Yoongi widens his eyes and freezes. Run, he tells himself. But his legs don’t move and he finds himself leaning into Hoseok. Warm, Yoong thinks, so warm. His hands move on their accord, finding space on the hollow of Hoseok’s back. It feels like his hands have always fit there, a little space made just for him.
“Min Yoongi,” he says when Hoseok lets go. The thought of fleeing disappears from his mind as Hoseok’s twinkling eyes lodges Yoongi in, and makes him want to stay.
(They have a drink. They exchange phone numbers. Hoseok tells him there’s no rush - and Yoongi almost wants to laugh, because Hoseok says it like he knows Yoongi will keep on coming back to him anyways.
There’s no rush because Hoseok knows where they’ll end up.
But the more Yoongi thinks about it, the more he realizes - he might. He would. End up in Hoseok’s arms.)
-
All Yoongi had to do was to tell Hoseok that he already had someone.
But Yoongi - can’t. Everytime he thinks about it, he gets reminded of the way Hoseok lit up at the sight of him, at the way his smile brightened and his eyes twinkled at everything Yoongi did. He thinks about how Hoseok already loves him, despite knowing nothing about Yoongi, and Yoongi asks himself if he’s really willing to let go of that type of unconditional and selfless love.
(Not yet, Yoongi tells himself. Not yet.
And he’s so selfish, but Yoongi promised Seokjin, he will love him until he can’t anymore.
He’s not there yet, not yet - but he will be. He could be.
And that scares him so much .)
-
They fight again. This time, Yoongi asks why Seokjin always comes home so late, and Seokjin tells him that it’s because he needs boundaries and Yoongi keeps invading them. Yoongi retorts that he never had a problem with that before - and honestly, if Yoongi thought hard about it, and if he could read Seokjin - he might have been able to see that Seokjin was talking about something else entirely.
Seokjin leaves to sleep at Sandeul’s or Jaehwan’s, or maybe someone else. Yoongi doesn’t know who, he doesn’t have their contact anyways - can’t really ask, even if he wanted to. He is so used to this happening, that he doesn’t even look up from his phone when Seokjin shuffles out with his already packed bag - a little duffel bag packed solely for these purposes. For when they fight, when Seokjin needs to leave.
(Someone had asked Yoongi once, “Are you sure you guys are soulmates?”
Yoongi replied that of course they were, soulmates fight all the time.
But now that Yoongi has a string on his finger and home in someone else’s heart-)
Seokjin will come back. He always will.
-
Yoongi wonders if Seokjin’s friend really put up with their relationship. They probably ask questions, ask Seokjin that “it’s been the fifth time you’ve been here this month, are you guys okay?” and they probably think Yoongi is some kind of awful person.
Yoongi doesn’t blame them - if that’s what they think.
They’re just two people in love with each other. They can work this out. They’ll make it work.
-
Seokjin comes back after a few days, and they don’t make up.
Yoongi leans in for the hug, and Seokjin moves away.
“I got my string,” Seokjin says. He is stiff all over.
Yoongi freezes. Doesn’t know what to say. He had thought he’d be given longer, but how foolish he was to believe in the patience of fate.
“It’s not connected to you.” Seokjin says. “But you already knew that. Didn’t you?”
Seokjin leaves again, and this time, Yoongi isn’t sure he’ll come back.
-
Loving Seokjin is like loving the moon.
Beautiful, and always present, revolving around Yoongi.
But he’s also distant, mysterious - for all the years Yoongi has known him, he has never been able to make Seokjin open up. For all the years they have known each other, Seokjin hovers over him, distant but there.
The thing about loving the moon is that you don’t know if it will ever truly love you back. Sure, the moon will orbit around you, but on the cloudiest days and the darkest nights, you can barely see it. There is an insecurity in loving the moon, because Yoongi never knows if the moon will always be there. The moon will disappear for a while, and even though Yoongi knows it will always come back, he can’t help but think about how the moon can leave and never come back.
Maybe it’s always orbiting around you, but what use is that if you can barely feel its presence on the days you need it most?
But the sun. The sun is different. The sun is always there, his warmth something you could still feel from light years away - the sun nurtures life and beauty.
Sometimes, the sun will burn and the sun will hurt. But the sun will always bring the breeze with him and he will angle his light just right, to shed kisses upon your skin, and envelope you into a gentle hug. The sun will murmur a sorry in the dips of Yoongi’s eyelids, and caress the curve of his nose, and the sun will tell him, i love you.
The sun will love him in all the ways the moon can’t.
But Yoongi doesn’t want to do this to Seokjin - he doesn’t want to give up all the love he has poured into Seokjin just for the prospect of happiness. But - he thinks about it. He thinks about what it would be like if the sun loved him. If Hoseok was the one by his side.
Perhaps this makes Yoongi an awful person. But he can’t help but think about all the ways he could love, and be loved by, the sun.
(There’s another thing between the two of them that Yoongi doesn’t like to think about.
Moons - they’re everywhere. There are multiple moons for each planet, they come and they go, but you know there’s always more than one moon out there.
But the sun - the sun is one of a kind. In this vast and unexplored universe, humans have found one sun light years away, and are able to still feel its warmth each and every day. The sun is something that dominates this universe, and there’s only one sun for Yoongi.
There’s so many moons out there - and yet, only one sun.
Yoongi doesn’t want to be that person, doesn’t want to simplify his years with Seokjin into something that he can find anywhere, in anyone - but, if he lets himself think about all of this, he finds that perhaps, all along, his relationship with Seokjin was just… That.
Yoongi is not a man who was made for loving the moon.
The moon deserves someone who will love him enough to bid goodbye as the moon drifts away, to write songs for the moon in the time that the moon is gone, and to still be there, when the moon comes back, with his arms open in a warm welcome, as if the moon has never left in the first place. The moon deserves patience - something Yoongi has never been able to give Seokjin.
The moon deserves someone who will love him like the sun loves Yoongi.)
-
Seokjin returns after a week. And this time, he starts packing his bags.
Seokjin refuses to look at him as he folds his clothes and collects his items.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Yoongi asks quietly. There’s no edge to his words, just disappointment - he prepared himself for this. In a sick way, maybe he even wanted this.
The optimistic part of him grabs onto the hope that Seokjin is here to tell him that he’s willing to try - that he’s willing to give up his soulmate and happy ending for a lifetime with Yoongi.
Yoongi thinks he could do that - if the decision was just up to him. (Yoongi likes lying to himself. Sometimes, it makes him feel like a redeemed character in an angst-filled drama.)
Seokjin looks at him then, a look of sorrow that Yoongi has never really quite seen before.
“I’m still in love with you,” Seokjin admits. His words quicken the faint beating of Yoongi’s heart.
“But you lied to me,” Seokjin says, quietly, “I let myself love you, and now I’m suffering for it.”
“I would give up everything for you.” Yoongi replies. It comes out in a rush, but Seokjin heard all of it, because he’s shaking his head, as if to say no, no you wouldn’t .
“It’s true!” Yoongi supplies, helplessly. He hates how easily he falls prey to Seokjin, how easily the man can break him apart - just like that.
“You’re only saying that because you’re prideful.” Seokjin responds, “I am too. We’re no good for each other.” He’s fidgeting with his own string, fingers rubbing the invisible space on his pinky.
“We are ,” Yoongi cries out, “Why are you giving up-“
“I know you met him.” Seokjin cuts in. He’s staring at Yoongi, relentless.
Oh.
Oh.
He stumbles backwards, doesn’t miss the way Seokjin looks away with tears in his eyes.
“I- What?”
“I was there in that coffee shop. You forget that I always go there after classes. I didn’t… I didn’t think much of it until he greeted you. His voice is pretty loud - I’m sure everyone heard it. He had… Quite the effect on you. I don’t blame you, he is your soulmate after all.” Seokjin wipes quickly at his eyes, looking down at his half-packed suitcase. “But don’t you understand how painful it is to see your boyfriend look the happiest he’s ever been, with someone who isn’t you? The years we spent together is nothing against that one moment you had with him.”
Yoongi stays silent.
“Tell me the truth,” Seokjin says, “I’m right aren’t I?”
Yoongi swallows the bile that rises up in his throat. For all the lies he has told himself, he can’t utter just the simple words that might salvage this relationship. (No, Yoongi says in his head. But his mouth remains shut, and he wills away the stab of betrayal that lingers in his mind, the thought of hurting Hoseok pummelling his heart.)
“You deserve him.” Seokjin says, not unkindly, just - resigned, tired, sad. “I knew you were curious. I don’t want to- I don’t think it’s right for you to deny yourself this happiness.”
“I’m happy with you,” Yoongi blurts out. But this time, he’s not sure how much he even believes that. By the thinning of Seokjin’s mouth, he doesn’t seem to believe it either.
“It’s not the same.” Seokjin explains, unable to look at Yoongi anymore. “It’s the type of happiness that makes you feel safe. Warm. Content. Right?”
“Stay,” Yoongi begs, ignoring his question. “Please.” (How would you know? The voice in Yoongi's head asks. How would you know what that feels like?)
Seokjin looks back at him, something flashing briefly in his eyes. For all the years Yoongi has known Seokjin, he still can’t read Seokjin - still can’t understand him.
“I met my soulmate too, yesterday.” Seokjin admits. After a pause, he says, simply, “He was looking for me. I thought I’d meet him halfway. Because you met yours already, I just- I wanted that for me too. I couldn’t pretend any longer. That... I wasn’t curious about who they were.”
At Yoongi’s grief stricken face, Seokjin chortles, a cruel little laugh. He shakes his head, arms crossing against his chest. He’s shrinking into himself, and Yoongi wonders if he has always made Seokjin feel so small.
“Because,” Seokjin continues, “Because it wasn’t fair that I was the only one trying in this relationship. When I found out we weren’t soulmates, I was horrified, sure, but in the end, I came back because I thought we could overcome this and love each other, like we always have...”
“We can keep doing that-”
“But,” Seokjin says, ignoring Yoongi’s words, “But then you met your soulmate. And you looked so happy, I- I wanted that for myself too. It seemed like this relationship was going to end eventually. Why not now?”
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi whispers. “Seokjin, we can work on this. I’ll work on this-”
Seokjin interrupts him then, “You made me happy Yoongi, so, so happy, and I still love you so much but being with him makes me feel safe. Being with you feels like I’m always fighting a war, against you, against myself, against the world and-” He chokes up here, and Yoongi looks away. He can’t stomach seeing Seokjin so vulnerable and afraid. “-And for just once in my life, I want to feel like nothing can hurt me.”
Yoongi blinks back his tears and clenches his fists.
“Is being with me so bad?” Yoongi asks, after a long moment of silence. His voice cracks in-between and he wishes the world would swallow him whole.
“No, no, of course not,” Seokjin says, frantically shaking his head, hands wiping at his eyes. It would be a comical sight if Yoongi’s heart wasn’t breaking.
“No,” Seokjin says again, but his voice quiets and he says, “But I just can’t stop thinking about him.”
His words come out like a dirty confession, and Yoongi realizes hope is a glorious thing only when it’s satisfied.
“I love you,” Yoongi replies. He murmurs it like it’s a prayer and Seokjin is the God, and that enough worship will get him to stay.
“I love you,” he repeats, this time like a wish, like if he says it enough, Seokjin will hear his intent and he’ll stay - I want him to stay, please, please let him stay.
(Yoongi forgets, though, that words lose meaning when they’re uttered so many times. The other person becomes so used to hearing it, it might as well be another word for “hello”, or another sound to fill the void.
“I love you,” Yoongi says for the 3400th time. He wonders how the words fit so perfectly in his mouth, a habit built so unconsciously that it has become his only escape from the silence.
“I love you,” Yoongi says, on so many days and nights.
Seokjin says nothing except a hum of recognition, lets Yoongi know that he heard it - but won’t dignify it with a response. It is as good as silence.)
Seokjin breathes out, a long drag of breath out of his mouth. His eyes are still a bit red at the edges, but he’s no longer crying.
“We both have our soulmates,” he says, “Let’s try loving them instead.”
I love you, Yoongi wants to say again. But he knows he will only be wasting his breath.
The silence is deafening when he doesn’t get to fill it with three remarkably meaningless words.
-
Seokjin finishes packing by the time the sun sets. They don’t speak. Yoongi watches the way he lingers over everything, the way he takes in their apartment, bidding it a final goodbye. Yoongi watches the way Seokjin is already drifting so far from him, this time to never come back.
“He’s a producer,” Seokjin says, the first time in hours, as he zips up his suitcase. At Yoongi’s curious stare, he adds, “My soulmate.”
“Oh,” Yoongi says, “I see.”
“He wrote me a song.” Seokjin continues, shoving his hands into his pockets, staring straight into Yoongi’s eyes, “A whole album actually. About how he loves the moon, about how I’m the moon. He calls himself a moon child. He’s a romantic.”
“Why-” Yoongi chokes up, pushes down his open wounds, “Why are you telling me this?”
Seokjin smiles sadly then. “The song that you were playing on that night in the dorms, it was a song that you wrote yourself, right?”
Yoongi nods slowly, not quite knowing where this conversation is going. Wonders why Seokjin wants him to suffer through their memories like this.
“Don’t you remember Yoongi-ah?” Seokjin says, his smile is wistful but so, so , sad.
He leaves Yoongi that day, on a question.
(Yoongi digs up his old files, tries to find that song that he played in the dorms, from so long a time ago. When he finds it, he slips on his headphones and presses play.
There’s nothing special about the song. Not in the technical sense - Yoongi had finished the song in just a week, something about it being so easy to write and produce. Seokjin’s favourite part of the song was the chorus. It’s very romantic Yoongi-ah , he had said.
There’s nothing special about the song. But Seokjin loved the chorus, and the chorus went like this:
i’m going in circles, orbiting you
without you here, it’s all so dark
icarus may have lost his wings
but at least he got feel your warmth )
-
Seokjin leaves that night.
Yoongi feels the burden lift off his shoulders and the weight of a world collapsing on him, all at once.