Work Text:
"I love you."
He knew previously that those three words would change his life in such a incredible way that Robert Carlyle stayed in a shocked silent longer than it was considered polite after such a declaration.
Not that he didn't know that. Of course he did, it was quite obvious to everyone who was not blind. But she had never said that to him and he had never said that to her, it was kind of a silent agreement between them. Or wasn't it?
They've been lovers for two years now, but that word was somewhat forbidden. They couldn't say it, because, if they did, everything would be more real, urgent and scary. As if it wasn't enough real, urgent and scary yet.
Now, however, Emilie was available and, despite the fact that she said it wouldn't change anything between then, the fact was that it changed everything now. Now, when she had said the forbidden word. Now, soon after they had made love — and now Robert could use that expression inside his head, because it was everything screwed anyway.And he was feeling like everything they had built in those two years relationship would collapse in sometime very soon.
So, Robert didn't feel (much) guilt about what he did next, although he did feel very ashamed: muttering some excuse, he collected his clothes and dressed it before getting out of her apartment almost running.
It was not that he didn't love Emilie — he loved her so much he couldn't even begin to describe it —, but he had a lot at stake. There was his marriage and kids. Although his wife knew about his lover as he would never cheat the woman with whom he shared his life for so long, Robert knew that saying the forbidden word would lead them all to decisions that could jeopardy his marriage and family. And one thing Robert knew: he would never put his family on jeopardy.
Emilie, of course, was not happy about his cowardly acts towards her words, but she admit that saying the forbidden word was a mistake; in fact, short after he left her apartment, she sent a message saying she was sorry and asking him to come back, promising not saying any other word about the forbidden word. It was tempting, but the fact was that she couldn't take her words off and there were no honestly answer Robert could give her on that moment, so he said nothing and didn't come back. He just needed time to figure out what to do.
That was definitely not the right decision, as it became clear on the next day, when he saw her on set. She looked hurt and upset about his attitude, even more when she realized he was still avoiding her. But what else could he do? He couldn't say he loved her, it would ruin everything, but saying any other thing would be a lie or an omission.
On that week, Emilie felt like a bomb that would explode at any minute. Robert realized her painful feeling was giving way to a restrained anger, but she was trying not to do or say anything on public and he was still avoiding her calls, which made difficult to her to reach him as she couldn't show up at his house — after all, there were still some boundaries between Emilie and his wife, even though they respected each other.
On that week's Friday, soon before all of Once Upon a Time cast take a flight to Los Angeles to the season four premiere, Lana approached of him and tried to reason with him about the whole situation with Emilie. Apparently, his lover had told his friend all about what happened and Lana wasn't happy with him too.
He tried to gain her alliance on that matter telling his side of the story, but she didn't see more inclined to take it, despite the fact that he was her friend before Emilie. Actually, she became furious with him, calling him coward and idiot.
"Do you know she called me yesterday because of you, your moron? She was in tears because she expressed her feelings toward you and you reacted as she had insulted you. That relationship of yours has been happening for years by now and you never said you love her? It's outrageous, Bobby," Lana almost yell to him. "If you don't go after her now, you will lose her. I'm serious. Did you never learn that, when a girl tells you she loves you, you have to answer? Especially when you've been fucking her for years!"
"I'm a married man, Lana," he said when she made a pause to breath, his angry of this injustice burning inside him. "I have a wife and kids that need me and Emilie knows that."
"A wife you don't love and kids that know Emilie and like her a lot," Lana replied. "You know you can work this out. Just have a little chat with your wife and maybe you will see she can be more willing to make an agreement than you expect, maybe it's not as difficult as you think. A lot of people with kids divorce, Bobby."
Lana looked still angry at Robert and walk away, still muttering about how he was stupid. He knew it wasn't so easy as Lana had said, but maybe she was right about not being so difficult as he had been thinking. Maybe he could talk to his wife and make some arrangement that would not hurt his kids too much, maybe he could be with Emilie, after all, maybe he could date her on public and marry her a while after, as he has been wanting since the very beginning of their relationship.
First, however, he had to reach Emilie and talk to her. They had to figure this out together.
As he was filming until late night, Robert had to wait until Saturday morning to call Emilie. He knew she was already in Los Angeles for the premiere, but he had to talk to her as soon as possible to show that he was not avoiding her anymore. She didn't answer, however, and he wonder if everything was already ruined.
No, so little couldn't ruin something so fragile that survived for so long! She was just too upset to talk to him, it was something that had happened before.Robert called her again and again for all morning and part of the afternoon, even when he was in a cab on his way to the airport.
When he finally arrived to Los Angeles, after almost three hours inside the airplane, he tried to call her again, but she still wasn't answering him.
Robert repressed the will to find out which room was hers and go talk to her personally, because he knew she would be mad with him. But, if she was not answering him, either she couldn't or she didn't want, more likely the last alternative, and they had the agreement to not meet one another on person before talking someway. And he would not break another agreement they had before fixing the one Emilie broke.
He passed most of the night trying to figure out how he would address the subject of his forbidden word — or maybe he should be more truthful and use the word "devotion" instead of "love" —, rolling on the bed with a uneasy feeling that tomorrow would be a huge disaster. No, he had to stop thinking about it and try sleep to be in his best behavior in front of the fans and the journalists. If he didn't behave properly, Emilie and him could be exposed.
Robert just slept when the sun was rising and, on Sunday afternoon, when he finally woke up, he just knew for certain that this day would be a disaster, because he didn't really have time to call Emilie to have the long talk they had to have as he had to get ready to the premiere quickly if he wanted to arrive in time. Crap! Facing Emilie would suck on this situation!
He didn't paid much attention on which clothes he was choosing to dress, which was not a good idea. When he looked to his reflection in mirror, he realized that he wasn't as formal as the event required. A look at the clock, however, told him that he hadn't time to change again and, honestly, that stupid premiere wasn't the top thing in his mind on that moment. So, whatever!
He arrived there earlier than he expected and put the happiest face he could to greet the people there. After all, he didn't need any speculations toward him, and Emilie was never good on hiding things from journalists, she was too honest and acting was a job for her, not a way of life, which was something that he always admired on her.
But his facade fell when Emilie arrived with her boyfriend, that stupid little bastard that she wanted everyone think she dated!
Robert felt his anger burning inside from stomach up to his throat. He tried to ignore the couple while keeping his smiley face, but he knew it was maybe the fakest smile he had given to journalists until then. How could they not realize he was very unhappy? He thanked any divine force that was by his side for the stupidity or the blindness of some journalists and fans.
He walked by the red carpet as fast as he could without ignoring the people who was calling him, but also trying to avoid that Emilie and her Eric reached him.
When the Robert finally arrived inside the theater, he was called to stay beside the entrance of the stage. Soon after that, Lana arrived alone and told him that his Emilie couldn't bring that bastard there. Sure enough, his Emilie arrived alone few minutes later, and he sighed with relief.
He knew it wasn't the best time to talk about the forbidden word, but he couldn't help it. When approached of Emilie and called her name, she didn't raised her look to find his, but he saw she was really hurt by her body language.
"Not now, Bobby," she said, her tone making clear that she was really hurt and didn't want to talk.
It hurt him hearing her tone so cold, but he knew it was deserved. He saw Josh and Ginnifer arriving hand in hand and thought he wanted to have this with Emilie and, for that happening, he had to be brave now.
As she was refusing to look to him, he held her chin softly, forcing her eyes to meet his.
"Em, I'm so sorry about this week, I just… I couldn't find out how to speak with you about this without lying or changing everything. I guess I was afraid of the changing, that it would mean I will lose everything," he told her quickly, trying not to let her or his fears convince against what he would do next. "But I realized that, if I did nothing, I would lose you, and I can't lose you, I love you too much."
And that was it. He said it so easily that he almost wondered why he haven't said that before. That was the time they decided to call him to go up on the stage, and he realized the impact of what he had done. Now, the two of them would have to walk in front of everyone with tears in their eyes and the desperate need to enjoy that moment of this kind of discovering — if they could call it that, as both of them knew they had the forbidden word in their heads since the beginning —, but with the knowledge that they couldn't. And he realized that, yeah, he managed to screw everything even more!
Robert looked one last time into Emilie's lovely blue eyes and, resigned, went up on the stage.
Jennifer Morrison, who was at his side on stage, gave him a hug when he approached of her and whispered to him that everything would be fine. They weren't really friends, but they respected and liked each other as co-workers.
He had to force himself not to look to Emilie on the brief moment they stayed on the stage together. They didn't have to be side by side, which was a relief, but even though it was difficult not to look to her and try to see what she was feeling, what she was doing, if she was nervous or excited or angry.
When finally they walk away from the stage, Robert sighed relieved again. Okay, now he had just to caught her before she went to find the idiot she had brought with her and try to leave this place without anyone seeing them: then, they would be alone to talk about what they would do with this new situation.
But she looked to him as saying that now wasn't time for this conversation, which was definitely true, and walked away from him, going to find the bastard.
After that, he stayed just enough to not seeming he was running from there and then, avoiding to look to Emilie and her fake boyfriend, he left alone, feeling as if there were claws nailing into his heart.
When he arrived at the hotel, Robert tried to relax while watching some movies on television and asking for some food on room service, but he just couldn't stop thinking about his Emilie with that moron while she should be there with him, talking and making love until the next morning, when they would take a flight together exhausted after a night waked.
Robert also thought about the way he had said the forbidden word. He thought it was good, despite the context, he was sincere and she always had appreciated sincerity when he could bring that from inside him. But now he didn't know what to do with the two forbidden words — hers and his — hovering between them, he didn't know what would happen and that was truly scary.
That was what Emilie should have felt when she said the forbidden word and he had not said it back, he soon realized: the fear of not knowing what would happen next. No, what she must have felt must have been far worse, because she didn't have known if he would accept her forbidden word and if he would tell the his forbidden word to her too, and then he started to ignore her and the feeling of fear probably just grew.
While he was walking through the hotel room, he started feeling truly sorry and as he was the greatest bastard of the world and that he didn't deserve this beautiful and young girl he loved so much. He would compensating her somehow if she forgave him, Robert promised himself, he would make her believe every day that he loved her by words and actions.
Around midnight, Robert listened a knock at the door and, with his hand shaking, he answered it, seeing a completely drunk Emilie just in front of him.
"Your bastard! How dare you to say you love me with a week late and in a situation in which there was no way I could answer it properly?" She said, staggering to inside the room. "You're a jerk, Bobby! A bastard, that's what you're!"
"Em," he said slowly, trying to make clear that he wasn't running from this talk anymore. "You are drunk, perhaps we should talk tomorrow, when you'll be sober again."
Emilie had other ideas, on the other hand. She approached of him and held the collar of his pajama's shirt.
"Didn't come here to talk, your bastard. Came here to be fucked until my brain melts and I forget even my own name," she said and kissed him with passion.
Robert tried hard not to let this happen. He needed to talk to her and he needed her to understand everything before continuing this. Before making love, truly and honestly now, they needed to figure out what they would do with this new level of their relationship. Well, she is drunk, so is not really truly and honestly, then it's not wrong, his traitor brain pondered as he felt his body responding to her surprisingly agile hands unbuttoning his shirt.
He took a step back and sighed strongly, holding Emilie's hands to stop her. She tried to fight against him, but she wasn't strong enough. And then, she started sobbing and the tears quickly followed it, which made Robert's heart beats faster, with fear and sadness. Emilie was definitely not strong, he thought taking her into a tight embrace, she needed his strength and he needed her liveliness, and they needed the bond they shared.
"I love you so much that sometimes I feel as I will explode or something," he said as she wrapped her arms around his waist, dipping her face into his half-naked chest.
"Love you too, your stupid moron," she answered after a while, her voice trembling.
They stood there for some more minutes while she tried to stop crying, gaining comfort and security into his embrace. Robert was feeling like this was heaven, Emilie on his arms and the forbidden word finally said aloud, and he had to contain himself not to start crying too, because he had to be his beloved's strength right now.
"Come," he said when her sobbing finally stopped. "We can use some hours of sleeping, y'know."
She looked to him with love and adoration, and he felt as he was the luckiest guy on the universe! He loved her so much!
Then, she took his hand and led him to his bed.
"Maybe we should start thinking about living together," he said when she lied her head on his chest and wrapped his waist, just because it felt right telling her about his thoughts and he couldn't hold it to later. "I mean, it would be great to wake up with you by my side every day."
Emilie let out a yawn and looked up to him, sleepy.
"Are you asking me to marry you?" She asked with a smile that was playful and serious at same time.
Robert looked to her astonished. Well, that was a way to see it, he considered; if her answer was yes, he would gladly make of his last words a proposal, despite the fact that he was still married with another woman. Well, that fact seemed irrelevant on that moment, with his beloved in his arms and no more forbidden words between them and their happiness.
"Maybe we should wait 'till later today to end this conversation, then" she said, yawning again, and he knew that she knew he was considering proposing to her.
It was a shame when, before he could even answer her, she fell asleep.
And then, while he was seeing her into his arms, he thought about what he almost did and felt stupid and relieved that she had slept before he did it. She was drunk and it was not the time to talk about marriage. Even though, Robert Carlyle couldn't help feeling happy and relieved, because he finally could say without fear:
"I love you."