Chapter Text
"I can't date you."
She never thought it'd hurt so much to hear him say this. Len watched her, and she thought she saw a hint of regret in his electric blue eyes, but then again maybe she was just hoping too much for something that wouldn't come true.
"Do you…not like me?" she asked, unable to help herself. Her voice was trembling a little. Hopefully not enough that he could hear it too.
His eyes softened. "I could never hate you." He raised his hand, but it just hung in mid-air between them, indecisive. "It's not that I don't like you, Miku. But I have my reasons." And there it was again, the familiar guardedness falling over his face like a wall. He had a smile that never quite reached his eyes.
Kagamine Len was probably the most gorgeous person she had ever laid her eyes on. She'd never actually seen him on campus – which was pretty surprising, given how good-looking he was – until he joined their choir early this year.
He was a beautiful singer with an amazing voice, and he was fun to talk to as well. As the choir's welfare representative, she was the one who helped him settle in during his first week here, and she found it strangely easy to open up to him. Maybe it was his sense of humour, maybe it was his open-mindedness, or maybe it was just the way his shockingly blue eyes pierced her very soul, making it feel like he could read her mind.
Either way, they grew closer during that first week; they exchanged numbers, and before long they were hanging out regularly. She found out that their classes were on completely different days, which was why she'd never seen him around on campus. Though that made her an exception since most girls already knew who he was.
"Do you like someone else?" she asked, wringing her hands. She didn't want to hear the answer, but she had to know – after all, Gumi and Luka were the ones who kept encouraging her to confess, claiming that he probably had feelings for her. Were they all wrong?
She hadn't misinterpreted his behaviour, right? Even now, she could see his gaze flit between her eyes and a little further down – her mouth. Unconsciously her tongue flicked out, wetting her bottom lip.
"No. It's not that." His voice was quiet. He looked at her and she felt like she couldn't breathe, those stunning eyes forcing her to bare her very soul to him. Something about him always made it so difficult to hide her true feelings.
"Then what is it?" Her voice was definitely shaking now. There was no way he couldn't hear it. Len sighed, and it was a long, heavy sound. One that didn't suit him at all.
"I made a promise a long time ago. That I would never get married." He smiled, and she thought she saw a flicker of pain in his eyes, but when she blinked it was gone. "And it's not fair to date you if nothing will come out of it. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't believe in dating for fun, you know?" His hand reached out again, but this time he brushed a few stray hairs away from her forehead. "Please give up on me, Miku. Find someone more deserving of your attention."
She didn't know what to say. He seemed so earnest, as though he genuinely believed he wasn't worthy of her feelings. Her heart was pounding in her chest, in her ears. Why couldn't he get married? What made him promise something like that? She wanted to ask, but she doubted he would answer her questions.
"We don't have to marry." The words slipped out of her mouth, and he stiffened. She could see him studying her, watching her every move, listening to her every word. "We can just – we can just date. And hang out and stuff. Be a couple. But we don't have to get married."
"Are you sure you'd be okay with that?" There was no humour in his eyes. It was a strange look to see on him – he was always smiling, always teasing, always reading with a jibe or some dumb joke. It was rare to see him so serious. "This isn't something to take lightly, Miku. I don't want you to have any regrets."
She met his gaze and nodded. "I won't have any regrets," she promised. He remained still for a few seconds, and she counted them as they ticked by. After five beats of her heart, he sighed again and pulled her towards him, his arms wrapping around her waist. She yelped, startled by the sudden gesture, and felt him burying his face in her hair.
"If that's what you want, then I'll give it to you." His voice was so quiet that she barely heard him despite their proximity. "I'll give you anything you ask for, but you have to promise me that you won't regret it. I don't want to make you sad."
"I promise I won't regret anything," she repeated, firmly this time. He withdrew, and their gazes met once more – she still couldn't quite see through the walls he put up, but this time she swore his smile looked a bit more genuine.
"Maybe you will. Let's see," he answered, his tone light and teasing, back to his usual ways. He released her and she stepped back, her cheeks flooding with warmth. "It'd be nice to go on a date, don't you think?" She nodded, and he grinned at her, his smile almost feline. "I'll text you later then. See you!"
With a casual wave, he turned around and walked away, and Miku continued to stay there, rooted to the spot. She turned the whole episode over in her mind, her heart still racing. Len was her boyfriend now. She wondered what would change between them.
It turned out that being a couple didn't lead to many changes. If anything, Len teased her more than usual. He'd always had a mischievous streak and even before this, he loved to tease her, but now he was relentless.
"You're so cute," he cooed, pinching her cheek as he licked at his ice cream cone. Miku swatted his hand away, a reflexive action by now, and he laughed, slinging his arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer. Her heart skipped a beat.
It'd been two months since she confessed to him, but even now seeing him still put butterflies in her stomach.
Back then, she decided to confront her feelings because her friends were sick of her moping over Len. She had been so afraid that telling him how she felt would ruin their friendship – he was the first person she looked out for when she went for choir practice, and she confided in him, telling him her dreams and hopes for the future.
Len also told her things sometimes, hinted at a past she would then wonder about – there was something about him, a strange feeling that she was talking to someone timeless. A boy who had ties to both the past and the future. He always had this faraway look in his eyes that seemed to cut through time and space, and occasionally it felt like he resided someplace far away. Somewhere she would never be able to reach.
"You know how you told me you grew up near the ocean?" she asked, turning towards him as she licked her cone, careful not to let the melting ice cream drip onto her skin. Len blinked, a look of surprise on his face as he nodded. "Do you miss it? The ocean, I mean. Since our campus is pretty much landlocked."
The walls slammed down, though his smile didn't change. "Yes, sometimes. But wouldn't anyone miss it? Staying on land is so boring. Did you know that humans are at least 70 per cent water? That's probably why we like the sea so much."
"Why don't you go back, then? Maybe I could go with you?" She averted her gaze, feeling strangely awkward. "It would be nice to see your hometown since we're dating now."
"No." His answer was firm, and she blinked, startled by his quick rejection. "Summer isn't a good time – there are too many typhoons. I don't think you'd be safe there."
He wasn't smiling at all, and his sudden defensiveness made her suspicious. Len usually didn't react strongly to anything, with her being the sole exception since Len thought she was ridiculously adorable and had no qualms making that known.
"We don't have to go now. Maybe after summer is over?" She tried not to let her surprise show. His smile returned, though this time it looked a little strained.
"We'll see. Let's talk about it next time, okay? For now, your ice cream is melting." He grabbed her hand and met her gaze, his expression turning sly – when his tongue ran out over her skin, licking up the melted ice cream dripping onto her fingers, whatever they were discussing just moments ago was promptly forgotten.
"You're so lucky that you're dating Kagamine Len." Gumi sighed, looking unfocused. Luka rolled her eyes and smacked their friend on her head, causing Gumi to glare at the other girl.
"Stop lusting over Miku's boyfriend," Luka scolded, and Gumi mumbled something about the unfairness of it all. Miku wasn't paying them much attention; she was distracted, thinking about something Len had said last night. The mere thought of it made heat rise to her cheeks, and she hoped Luka and Gumi wouldn't notice her blushing.
Last night was the first night she invited him into her room. Correction – it was the first time she invited him into her room at night. Typically he would come to her dorm to pick her up for their dates, but he never stayed long. Len lived off-campus at some apartment that was a half-hour's walk away, and she had yet to visit his house.
When she invited him in, she hadn't been thinking of anything in particular. She just wanted to show him a new piano score her talented younger brother, Mikuo, had composed. It had been 11 pm, still not that late, and he was dropping her off at her room after their date.
She thought she saw his face turn a bit pink, but before she could point it out, he asked if she understood the implications of inviting a man inside her room at this hour. She didn't get it at that point, and Len brushed it off before she could question further.
Miku knew in hindsight that she was very naïve, but in her defence, Len was her first-ever boyfriend. She'd always been a bit of a dreamer and she never paid much attention to things, so the connotations of a girl and a boy together in a dark room at night flew right over her head. Plus, it wasn't like Len pounced on her or anything.
But last night was the first night they kissed after two entire months of dating. Not that they never kissed before, but usually it was chaste. A quick peck on the cheek, on the lips – she felt like he was kissing his sister rather than his girlfriend sometimes. He was always careful not to touch her too much either, never going beyond hugs, holding hands and the occasional massage whenever her shoulders got too tense.
Until last night, when she showed him the score and he was studying it, his blond bangs hanging over his eyes – she realised how fortunate she was that he was together with her. Len, playful and teasing, sometimes distant, but also willing to sober up and pay attention to something deeply important to her. He never once said that he loved her, but she knew that he cared.
So, she reached over to him and kissed him on the cheek, just a quick, fleeting brush of her lips against his skin. He froze, and a few seconds later he turned towards her, something unreadable in his eyes. "You missed," he murmured, and she frowned before he pulled her closer and their mouths met, his hand twining in her hair. She forgot how to breathe, allowing him to gently take the lead in her first proper kiss – his lips were soft and warm, and she didn't resist as she felt him slowly pushing her onto the bed.
His touch, his warmth, the sudden want in his eyes – all things that were both familiar and yet so new. For once, she could see his intentions, and she didn't protest when his hands played with the hem of her shirt, his fingers lingering on the thin fabric. Her arms wrapped around him as their kiss deepened, and he shifted his weight, pressing her into the mattress. The table on which she had been showing Mikuo's composition clattered onto the floor, forgotten.
"Tell me to stop," he whispered, peppering kisses down her jawline, her neck. She shook her head, her chest feeling ready to explode. She had never seen him so – so needy before. Like he did want to touch her this badly. He groaned. "Miku…Miku, we can't." But even as he spoke his hands were inching up beneath her shirt, and she shifted slightly, allowing him greater access to her bare skin.
Len hissed, and she felt his hands slide over her stomach, stopping just short of her bra. She whimpered, craving the touch of his hand on her breasts, but he abruptly withdrew, his comforting weight suddenly disappearing. She blinked in surprise, turning towards her boyfriend – Len was standing very still, almost like a statue, and she would have thought him one if it wasn't for the gentle rise and fall of his chest.
"Miku, that went too far." He didn't seem upset, but he didn't sound too pleased either. "You're lucky I didn't lose control. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be nice and gentlemanly all the time? Especially now that I know how you taste…"
She pouted. "But maybe I want you to lose control!" Part of her mind was filled with panic at the mere thought of what might happen, but the rest of her was just disappointed that he stopped when he did. "I-I…"
"I nothing." His tone left no room for objections. "Miku, you're adorable, but you don't understand. I don't want to ruin you when we're not going to work out in the long-term. So we'll date, and we'll have fun, but we won't do anything like this again, okay? Not unless you're sure and you're ready."
"I'm sure and I'm ready!" she cried. He shot her a look, and her excitement died down a little. "Stop treating me like a kid," she mumbled instead, glancing away from him. Her shirt was still unkempt from his attentions, and she absentmindedly pulled it down to cover her stomach. "We're practically the same age. Maybe give or take a year."
His expression twisted for a second. "Yeah, but I have much more experience than you." He tapped the side of his nose and winked, making her blush. "I know the look of someone who's in way over her head. Think about it. Are you truly ready? Can you touch your heart and say that you're willing to go all the way with me? Do you even understand what sex is?"
Her cheeks burnt when he brought up sex. He smirked. "I thought not. It's not that I'm treating you like a child, sweetheart." He patted her head as he spoke. "I just don't think you're ready, and you know I'm right too."
After another short exchange, he left her room, and that was everything that happened last night. She touched her mouth and swore she could still feel his warmth, the imprint of his lips upon hers. Then she blinked as she saw Gumi's hand waving in front of her.
"Hello, earth to Hatsune Miku?" Gumi snapped her fingers. "So glad you could join us today! We were just talking about Yohio's birthday surprise. You know, the one you were supposed to help organise since you're the welfare representative?"
"Oh! Yes! I forgot," Miku admitted, looking down in shame. She had been super out of it ever since last night, at least more so than usual. Luka and Gumi exchanged a look.
"Miku, is something wrong? Did anything happen between you and Len?" Luka, ever the mature and responsible one, broached the topic first. Miku shook her head, though she was sure her face was blazing by now. Hearing Len's name just made her remember things, and she still wasn't sure how to deal with what happened. Why did it feel like everyone was being intimate with their boyfriends except her?
Maybe Len didn't like her enough. But that couldn't be, he seemed really into her last night too. At least until he pulled back and told her to stop. "I'm just wondering, guys. When did you both first…um, you know? Do the – do the…" Her voice trailed off, and she kept her gaze fixed on her lap. Gumi and Luka exchanged another look.
"Do the sex?" Gumi helpfully supplied. Miku squeaked and nodded, still refusing to look at her friends. "Is that what happened between you and Len, Miku?" Gumi gasped. "Did you two have sex? Come on, you need to share all the details with us –"
"Just shut up, Gumi," Luka cut in, sounding cross. "But Miku, why the sudden question? Did you and Len sleep together?" Miku shook her head again. "Then why are you asking this all of a sudden? It's just…it's very unlike you to think about such things."
"Um…" Miku swallowed. Her throat felt dry. "We didn't do…that…but we did, um, we did kiss." The words spilt from her mouth, almost incomprehensible. "And there was, um, there was some touching involved, but that was it. We didn't do anything else!"
"Touching!" Gumi waggled her eyebrows suggestively. Miku's face was on fire now. "Where did he touch? Your boobs? Your butt? Or…is it where I'm thinking of?" Gumi snickered, and she wondered if talking about this had been a bad idea.
"No! Just – um, he went under my shirt, but that's it. He didn't touch my boobs or anything like that," she confessed. Gumi let out a long, dramatic sigh and flopped into her chair, muttering something about let-downs. Luka rolled her eyes again, caring little for Gumi's horny curiosity.
"Then why are you asking about sex? Did Len pressure you?" Luka asked, her brow furrowed. Miku said no. She was beginning to calm down now that she had shared what was on her mind. But she had no idea how to bring up to her friends her frustration at Len's lack of…well, to put it simply, willingness to sleep with her. Why was he suddenly being nice? It was so unlike him.
"I, um, I kind of wanted more, but he said no. He said I wasn't ready." She sighed. Luka and Gumi blinked in unison. "He said I don't understand anything at all, so…so he doesn't think that we should do anything more than our usual hugs and stuff. But I don't want to just hug my boyfriend! I'm not a child that he needs to look after!"
Luka nodded. "I see. You want to scratch an itch, but Len won't scratch it for you." Her clear blue eyes simmered with knowing mischief, and it looked rather out of place on Luka – after all, among the three of them, Gumi was usually the one who cooked up elaborate schemes while Luka attempted to talk them all out of going along with Gumi's plans.
Miku nodded, albeit grudgingly – it was still embarrassing for her to think about it. "Why don't you go to his apartment and surprise him, then? We should go shop for some sexy lingerie! And when you start stripping in front of him, well, let's see who can resist that," Gumi declared, jumping up from her chair.
"No! No, I can't do that!" Miku spluttered. "That's too embarrassing!" But Gumi, and even Luka, cajoled and persuaded until she finally gave in and went with them to a lingerie shop.