Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was a habit he picked up during his time with Lisa. He opened the car door, he pulled out the chair, he helped with the coat. He just couldn't stop it. But also didn’t really notice it.

But the small smiles it put onto Cas face were worth it. He never said anything, but the fond smiles made Deans knees go weak all the time.

So after a successful hunt Dean - as always - opens the car door for Cas to get in.
“May I ask you something, Dean?” Cas asks.
“Well, technically you just did, but you can ask me another question.” Dean says and winks at Cas while getting into the car himself.

“Why do you always open the car door for me? Or any other door for that matter. I’ve never seen you doing that for someone else, like Sam or Jack. I think the only time I’ve ever seen you doing that, was when you were with Lisa and I was watching over you. So why for me? Is there anything special about me? Don’t you trust me not to scratch the finish of your precious car?”

With every word Cas said Dean felt his heart sink even lower. He hadn’t even realized he was doing all those things. And now that he thought about it, yeah, the only time he did something like that was when he was involved with someone romantically. Was his subconscious trying to tell him something? Did he have deeper feelings for Cas than he thought he had?
He had always deemed Cas somewhat good looking, with his tousled hair that never seemed to stay in one place, the strong jawline with the everpresent stubble, those plump, chapped, pink lips that no chapstick in the world could smooth out. And then there were his eyes. Those beautiful orbs of the bluest blue Dean has ever seen as an eye color.

Holy Crap!!
Dean was in love with Cas!

How come he never noticed it! Cas was his best friend, the one guy that promised to always be there for him, to never leave him. Would it be so bad if there was more than friendship involved? Would Cas even want anything more than friendship? 

Dean was majorly freaking out, at least internal, on the outside he’s been sitting in Baby’s drivers seat for the past 5 minutes, staring into the abyss.

“Dean? Are you alright? If I said something to upset you, I’m truly sorry. I didn’t even wanna mention it, but I was wondering what’s going on but I really didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything. I’m sorry, Dean, please forgive me.”

Cas’ voice carried Deans thoughts back into reality.
“Yeah, no problem, Cas, I was just thinking. Put your seatbelt on.”
Bam! Another detail he usually only tells his s/o.

“Dean, I’m an angel, even without all my powers I couldn’t get killed or even hurt in an car accident.” with a sigh he tried to put the seatbelt on, but struggled until Dean lent him a helping hand.

“Yeah, that might be, but when the police stops us I have to pay the fine for you not being properly beltet.” Dean tells him while putting on his own seatbelt.

On the whole ride back, which took several hours, the two didn’t say a single word, but Dean was thinking a lot. Thinking about all the times he was alone with Cas and what he did, that he usually only did if he’s in love with someone. And the list was long, very long.

Apparently he’d been falling in love with Cas without even noticing. But when did that all start? Was there ever a time he wasn’t like this? Did he fell in love at the very beginning? But he wasn’t gay? Well, maybe he was a little gay. There was his Dr. Sexy obsession and that guy that kinda catfished him with the Golem, what was his name? Aaron Something. It didn’t matter. 

But how would he talk to Cas about that? 

Hey, Cas, just uh, I think I’m in love with you, so...you wanna make out or something?
Yeah, no, that was bullshit. He had to smooth into that particular conversation, it was a sensitive topic after all, he could lose his best friend about this.

Dean let out a heavy sigh when he finally parked Baby in the Bunker’s garage.

“I’m sorry, Dean, I really didn’t want to upset you with that question.” and without a look in Deans direction Cas got out of the car and into the Bunker.

Dean let his head fall onto the steering wheel.

Great!

This was going to be one hell of a conversation.

The next evening Dean made two large cups of hot chocolate, he knew how much Cas loves that stuff, and went over to Cas room to have a - probably - rather unpleasant conversation.

Since his hands were full with the cups he used his foot to knock, it kinda worked, after all Cas opened the door, even if with a puzzled look on his face, which quickly turned into a happily surprised one, once he noticed what Dean was carrying.

He took one of the cups out of Deans hands and waved his arm into the room to invite him in. Dean did, sat down on the foot end of Cas’ bed and patted his hand on the empty space besides him, so Cas would sit down there, which he promptly did while sipping his cocoa.

“What brings you here bearing gifts, Dean?” Cas asked, again with the puzzled look on his face. 

“Well, I need to talk to you about something.” Dean started but Cas interrupted.

“Is it about the question I asked you yesterday? If so you don’t have to say something, I understand.” now it was Dean’s turn to be surprised.

“You do? But how? I only just realized it yesterday myself? How could you have known about this?”

“I know a lot more about you than you think, Dean. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell me you just like to be a gentleman from time to time? It’s not like it’s a big deal or anything and I really appreciate the gesture.” Dean actually snorted with laughter.
“You…” he fell into a giggle fit. “You thought I just wanna play the gentlemen once in a while?”
“Well, yeah. Sam would just give you a hard time about it and Jack wouldn’t know how to appreciate the gesture, he does kinda lack the knowledge about some finer social norms.” Cas did his adorable head tilt while saying this and Dean’s heart began to practically glow.

“I’m sorry, Cas, but you’re very far away from the truth here.” Cas brows furrowed while still having his head slightly tilted. Dean just wanted to kiss him then and there, but he first had to finish this conversation.
“The actual truth is...I don’t even know how to start with this,” Dean paused for a moment and recollected his thoughts.
“You made a comparison yesterday, that you only ever saw me doing that when I was with Lisa. And after some thinking I came to the same conclusion, I only ever did all that with someone I was romantically involved with.” he put some emphasis on that word specifically, hoping Cas would get the hint.

“Well, yeah, I know what I said. But that just fits into my conclusion. You miss having someone you can care about and - well - pamper a little, so you took me as a substitute. I don’t mind it, Dean, I rather really appreciate it.” there was this amazing Cas-Smile Dean could never have enough of.

“No, Cas, you’re still wrong. I don’t ‘use you’ as a substitute for something I’m missing." he actually did the air quotes.

“It’s rather I realized you have kinda become that kind of person I usually do all those things for.” he smiled at Cas who was still looking at him with furrowed brows.
“I don’t think I can follow, Dean. What kind of person did I become? I’m fairly sure I’m still the same person I was when I raised you from hell. I didn’t change. Well, I did change periodically, but I always became myself again in the end, didn’t I?”

Internal Dean was laughing, but not to hurt Cas’ feelings he kept his outside face straight.

“Cas, stop thinking so hard about this. What I was trying to say is, I think you’ve become the kind of person I’d like to be with. Like, really be with. Be with in a romantical way.” Dean couldn’t look at Cas any longer. The fear of seeing his face change into something like aversion or even disgust was too much to handle for him. He flinched when he felt Cas hand on his chin, guiding his face so he would look at him again.

The look on Cas’ face was nothing like what Dean was afraid of. It was soft and pure and Dean would’ve sworn he even saw the glistening of tears in the corners of Cas’ eyes.

“Oh Dean.” it was just shy from a whisper.

“Why did it took you so long to realize this? I always told myself you don’t feel this way about me and that I should stop hoping for you to come around.” Cas thumb was slightly caressing Dean’s jaw while he was talking.

“You wanna know why I volunteered to get you out of hell? I’ve been watching you, or rather watching over you, for quite some time already, and when you went to hell I was heartbroken. But then we got the command to raise you and I couldn’t have let anyone else get you out of there. And ever since I’ve been secretly pining for you, hoping that one day you’d return my feelings.”
There was a look on Cas face Dean had never seen on him before. It was a look he had last seen on his mother’s face. It was pure and unconditional love.

“I fucking love you, Cas” was everything Dean was able to say before he took Cas face into his hands and kissed him with a passion he never even kissed Lisa with.