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There was no one in the world that Catherine Rollins trusted more than Steve McGarrett, there was no one she loved more, but there was also no one she had hurt as much as Steve. And she knew it. She knew that she had broken his heart and she knew that she didn’t deserve anything from Steve. He should hate her, he should lock her out of his life and never look back. But Steve wasn’t like this. Once he cared for someone he didn’t know how to stop. And Catherine knew she was extremely lucky that not only he hadn’t cut every tie he had with her, but he went as far as to call her when he needed help. He had allowed her to stay in touch with him, he had actively reached out to her and Catherine knew that everyone else in his place wouldn’t have done the same. But she still loved him and he was still the only person she could imagine sharing her life with.
So when she had heard that he was going to leave Hawaii and travel around the world alone she had gone to him.
She knew Steve, she understood why he was living Hawaii, but she couldn’t bare the thought of him being alone. Besides Steve was a trouble magnet and she hated the thought of him being in danger without anyone knowing, alone with no hope of being rescued. So she had taken a chance and had boarded his plane, hoping he would accept her company.
When he smiled at her and held her hand Catherine knew that things weren’t magically fixed and that they weren’t back together, she thought they would never get back together, but she was glad he had given her the chance to be with him.
Steve didn’t ask her how long she was planning to stay with him or why she decided to go with him, but he never told her to go. So she stayed. She was afraid that if they talked about their plans for the future, if she told him that she was planning on leaving only if he asked her too he would do it. He would ask her to leave, because Catherine was sure that no matter what he would never believe that she was there to stay. Leave the CIA is easier said than done, Catherine had the proof of it back when she had to leave Steve, but now she had done it. She had left and she was free, she was sure of it or she wouldn’t have boarded that plane with Steve. But she knew that if she told him this Steve wouldn’t believe it. So she jut didn’t say anything and she just stayed. She hoped that if she stayed long enough Steve would believe that she would never leave again.
They were working with Harry Langford when it happened.
Harry’s daughter had been kidnapped and he had reached out to Steve for help rescuing her. And of course Steve had said yes. Finding her wasn’t hard, coming up with a rescue plan was a completely different matter. It was just the three of them, her, Steve and Harry, because the girl’s parent had kept the kidnapping a secret and had refuse to involve the police, against at least ten people. They had to be quiet and careful. And they managed to get to the girl and take her to safety relatively quickly and without being hurt, killing almost all her kidnappers on the way in.
They were outside the warehouse where she had been held, checking that she was okay when Catherine saw one of the kidnappers from the corner of her eyes. He was pointing a gun at Steve. Without thinking she pushed Steve out of the way and shot the guy. She hit the target, but so did he. She fell backwards in Steve’s arms. She could feel the blood flowing from her wound, soaking her shirt and Steve’s. She knew she would die and her last thought was regret. She was leaving Steve again and he didn’t even know how much she loved him. Steve’s desperate eyes were the last thing she saw before loosing consciousness.
Steve was losing his mind. He was pacing the corridors of the hospital waiting for Catherine to come out of surgery and he was losing his mind.
-Here, mate, you should change your shirt. – Harry said appearing in front of him and shoving a shirt in his face, much like Danny would have done if he was here.
Steve looked at his blood stained shirt and disappeared into the bathroom to change. When he came out again there still wasn’t any news on Catherine and Harry was still there.
-You can go to see your daughter.- Steve said.
-She’s the one you where talking about, right? Back when we first met, when we were talking about my wife. She’s the one you thought you lost forever- Harry said ignoring his suggestion and making him sit on one of the plastic chairs in the waiting area.
Steve nodded. Back then he was sure he had lost her forever, but somehow Catherine had always came back, and sure she had left again and again, but she always came back. And we he needed her after Joe’s death she had been there, she had come for her. She left, but Steve never really lost her. She always found her way back to him. But now? Now she could die. He could really lose her forever and she would never know how much he loved her. How he willing to go through heartache a thousand times just to be able to be with her for a short while.
-I can’t lose her now, Harry. Not when she doesn’t know…- the lump in his throat and the tears burning in his eyes made it impossible for him to finish the sentence.
Harry just put a hand on his shoulder and didn’t say anything.
When Catherine woke up the first thing she saw was Steve sitting in a chair next to her bed, holding her hand. She blinked surprised. She had been so sure that she would die that for a moment she thought that she was dead and this was her version of the paradise, with Steve at her side. But if she was dead it would mean that maybe Steve was too, and she couldn’t even think about Steve dying. Besides the smell of hospitals and the beeping of her heart monitor were too real. She was alive and Steve was next to her looking like a truck had run him over. Even with his eyes closed he looked so sad and tired and she felt so guilty for causing him more pain.
She cleared her throat and when she spoke her voice was so raspy she barely recognized it.
-Ehi, sailor.-
Steve’s eyes snapped open and when they meet hers they lit up in joy and the smile he aimed her way was so bright it rivaled the sun.
-Cath! You’re awake- he said and squeezed her hand.
She squeezed back. She closed her eyes to gather her strength and courage and she spoke. It was now or never. She had to tell him that she loved him and that she was sorry and…
-I don’t want to leave.- she said and blinked, confused, this wasn’t what she wanted to say.
Steve looked at her.
-What?-
- I don’t want to leave. God Steve I never wanted to leave. But after Afghanistan, after… they pulled me back in. And when I came back I though it was over, but they… I had to leave. But I never wanted to. I love you so much, Steve. I love you and I won’t leave again. Not as long as you’ll have me. And Steve I know I don’t deserve… I don’t have the right to ask you… but please, please Steve. Don’t send me away. Don’t make me leave again.-
The worlds tumbled out of her mouth, they rushed out of her without her permission. She was desperate for him to believe her.
She knew she was crying, but she didn’t care. She just needed him to believe her.
-Steve, Steve please I…-
She couldn’t finish her sentence. Suddenly Steve’s face was so close to hers that she could count his eyelashes. And then he was kissing her. Overwhelmed by emotion she closed her eyes and kissed back.
-I’m not going to send you away, Cath- Steve said when they parted. -I’m never going to send you away. I’ll always want you with me. I love you. You’re the only one for me-
-But after what I’ve done to you how can you…- she said incredulously.
-I’ve forgiven you a long time ago. And seeing you bleeding at the warehouse and the hours spent waiting to know if you were going to live… Cath I love you and what you‘ e done it’s in the past. We can move on together.-
She reached up to cup his cheek and smiled weakly.
-I’m so sorry, Steve, I …-
-Shh. I know. Cath I know and it’s okay.- he fair sitting back in his chair.
She looked at him and squeezed the hand that was still holding hers.
-I love you.- she said.
-I love you too. –
There would be time to talk later. To really explain to Steve why she left, time to decide what they would do. For now the only thing that mattered was that they were both alive and that they loved each other.