Archive of Our Own

“Odds are one of us could be retasting our breakfast. Doesn’t that make you want to come, Jonah?” Buffy had a glint in her eye, like Jonah had personally issued her a challenge and backing down from that imaginary challenge was unfathomable. That look told everyone who knew her that she was going to get her way simply because she wouldn’t accept anything else.

“Jonah’s not coming?” Amber’s eyes flickered toward Jonah before she grinned. “Are you sure? Because I happen to have two free tickets, and one of them could be yours.”

Jonah glanced at Amber before he visibly relaxed. “Yeah, why not? You guys are right? What’d they say? You can… do homework when you’re dead?”

“Actually, I think it’s sleep, but who cares? You’re coming!” Cyrus grinned at Jonah.

“Unexpected twist,” Buffy muttered. She studied Jonah for a moment, unable to alleviate her suspicions. There was something odd about how quickly he’d flip–flopped on his decision, and she couldn’t shake the sinking feeling that Amber had more to do with it than the free ticket. Neither Amber nor Jonah had been their best selves when they’d been dating, and Buffy hoped history wasn’t about to repeat itself.

“Okay. I’ll just go change real quick.” Amber flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder as she walked away.

“Hold up for a minute.” Jonah jumped out of his seat and followed Amber, leaving Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus at the table.

While they watched Jonah, Buffy frowned and dissected the foreboding tension she suddenly felt. “You know what’s going on here, don’t you?” She knew she sounded glum, but she knew drama would inevitably follow if they started dating, and she’d had her fill of drama.

“There’s something going on?” Cyrus glanced at Buffy, and scrunched his forehead as he tried to follow her train of thought.

“Tell us,” Andi encouraged.

Buffy leaned forward as if she was about to deliver Earth–shattering news. “Jonah and Amber are getting back together.”

In unison, they looked toward where Jonah and Amber were talking. The crease in Cyrus’s forehead deepened with his frown as a new realization dawned on him. “Oh no,” he groaned. He let his head drop to the table for a minute.

“You okay, Cy?” Andi put her hand on his elbow.

“Um…” Cyrus crossed his arms across his chest. “Yeah.” Rather than the confidence he meant to embody, his voice cracked, emphasizing his lie.

“You’re not jealous, are you? I mean, it’s just a theory. I could be wrong.” Buffy looked at Jonah and Amber before she looked back at Cyrus then back at Jonah and Amber. Cyrus followed her gaze and frowned as he studied them. Maybe they did kind of look like they were flirting, but did it only look that way because he had the idea in his head now?

Cyrus shook his head. It was a moot point when jealousy wasn’t behind the dread that filled him. He’d gotten over Jonah a while ago.

“No, it’s not that.” Cyrus looked away from Jonah and Amber. “There are five of us now.”

“So?”

“So, I’m gonna be the fifth wheel. Jonah and Amber will sit together, the two of you will sit together, and I’m going to be stuck by myself watching you all have fun together while random strangers judge me for thinking the merry–go–round is terrifying.”

“You won’t be al –” Buffy elbowed Andi to cut her off.

Buffy thought she was a genius; there was an obvious and perfect solution to Cyrus’s dilemma. They needed to invite a sixth person. “You know… if you’re really worried about being the fifth wheel…”

That was all it took for Andi to catch on, and her face lit up. They’d both watched Cyrus become increasingly flirty over the last several weeks, and maybe there was finally something they could do about it. “Then maybe we could…”

“Invite TJ?” Buffy finished.

Suddenly, Cyrus wished he hadn’t complained about hiking. A fit of hysterics over a possible tick seemed far less daunting at the moment. “You know what? I’m sure he’s busy… I think he said he had plans.” His voice was far too squeaky to be remotely convincing.

“What plans?” Buffy crossed her arms and glared at Cyrus.

“Um…” Cyrus wracked his brain for a good excuse and said the first thing that popped into his head. “Tumbling… he, uh, works at a gym. And sleep? He sleeps in on Saturdays.”

“Is he working or sleeping?”

“Both! Anyway, it’s probably better this way. There’s no sixth wheel for me to throw up on.”

Buffy and Andi glanced at each other before they looked at Cyrus. Andi got it right away, but Buffy didn’t. She thought Cyrus would’ve jumped on the opportunity to see TJ… just like he usually did. She’d never admit it out loud, but it was kinda cute how they acted around each other. She saw a completely different side of Cyrus when he was in TJ and could grudgingly admit that TJ was almost bearable with Cyrus. “Why don’t you want to invite TJ?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to invite him. It’d be great to hang, but at Adrenaline City?” Cyrus looked down at the table. It was embarrassing, even with Andi and Buffy, to admit how self–conscious he was about his feelings toward TJ and how scared he was that a day at Adrenaline City might grow his own confusing feelings while simultaneously squashing any TJ might have for him. He wasn’t sure how to explain it because he could barely make sense of the jumbled thoughts mixing with his panic. “I don’t want him to see me like that. I’m bad at roller coasters.” It wasn’t good enough, but it was the best he could do.

“Cyrus –” Andi’s voice was soft and compassionate as she leaned forward.

“That’s ridiculous,” Buffy interrupted. “He’s seen you somersault for the first time, and you’ve told him a bunch of your things. I think the bar is pretty low for him.”

“I threw up on the Merry–Go–Round. No, let me correct that – I freaked out so badly they had to stop the ride, and then I threw up in my shoe, which is 1000 times worse than anything TJ has seen. I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Well, if you won’t invite him, I guess I’ll have to do it. You’re not the only person with his number.” Buffy took out her phone for show. She knew she wasn’t going to have to send it; she just needed to ruffle Cyrus’s feathers so he’d ask TJ himself. “Let’s see. Hi TJ. Were all goin to adrenaline city. Cyrus would LOVE it – I’ll put love in all caps. Really want him to know you want him there – if you could come with us. Okay, important question: heart or blushing smile emoji?”

“How about the heart–eyes emoji?” Andi grinned. Buffy was crazy sometimes, but she was a good crazy. Andi had no doubt that she had a plan, and she’d play along.

Buffy added two of those emojis before she waved her phone at Cyrus so he could see she’d really typed that message.

“No, no, no. You can’t send that to him!”

“You could always text him instead.”

With what he felt was a perfect feat of stealth and speed, Cyrus reached across the table to try to grab Buffy’s phone. He got his hands around it before he remembered that Buffy was objectively stronger than him. Much stronger. And faster. And more coordinated. They went back and forth for about ten seconds as Cyrus pitifully attempted to hold his own. It was futile. Buffy reclaimed her phone, and they were laughing so hard, Cyrus almost forgot what had led to their little battle.

It came back the second Buffy’s face contorted with horror. “You pressed send.”

Cyrus stared, his eyes wide and pleading. “Sorry, I think I just had a daymare. What did you say?”

“A daymare?” Buffy shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I’m so sorry. I feel terrible. I really wasn’t going to text him, but I didn’t know you were gonna grab my phone. Now…”

“You sent it?” Cyrus had trouble wrapping his head around those words. How was it even possible? He tried to figure out how it possibly could have happened, but there was no use.

“Technically, you sent it.”

“Oh, no. You’re not turning this around on me. My life is over.” Cyrus buried his head in his arms. Maybe he could fake an illness or injury to get out of going to Adrenaline City. The path to the exit was fraught with tables and chairs… plenty of things to trip over. “What did he say?” Cyrus wasn’t sure what he wanted more. For TJ to say yes, meaning he wanted to spend time with Cyrus. Or for TJ to say no, meaning he’d be spared from making a fool of himself in front of TJ.

“It sent like a minute ago. He probably hasn’t had time to read it yet.”

“He always answers his texts right away.”

“When they’re from you.” TJ had ignored her constantly during the early days when their shared animosity was at its peak and had been inconsistent at best since that had dwindled.

“Just check it.”

Buffy sighed before she flipped over her phone. “Oh.” He had answered. She wondered if his brevity was because she’d mentioned Cyrus. “He says he’s in. He just wants me to text him when. What do you want to do, Cy? I can say I meant to send that to someone else or tell him we’re playing a really weird game of truth or dare?”

“No! I don’t want him to think that…” Cyrus could feel heat rush to his cheeks. He didn’t know why it was so daunting to say it out loud. He didn’t want TJ to think there was another person Buffy could have sent that text to, but he also didn’t want his friends to know that he didn’t want TJ thinking that. He wanted… he needed time to figure out exactly how he felt about TJ and what he wanted – their friendship meant so much to Cyrus; he wasn’t sure if it was worth complicating it when TJ might not even like him. “It doesn’t matter. Just tell him we’re heading there now.” Cyrus groaned. “There aren’t enough motion sickness patches in the world to stop what’s about to happen.”

Despite his grim outlook on their adventure, Cyrus was all smiles the moment he saw TJ leaning against the fence. His eyes were closed as he looked up toward the sky and basked in the sun; it made him look like he was glowing. Cyrus felt butterflies stir in his stomach.

TJ’s eyes flew open as they got closer and the crunch of the gravel alerted him to their approach. “Underdog!”

Cyrus felt like he could fly and knew he was probably sporting the same goofy smile he wore anytime TJ used that nickname. “Not so scary basketball guy.”

TJ ran toward them and slung his arm around Cyrus’s shoulder before he fist–bumped Jonah. “Thanks for the invite, guys. I’ve been dying to come here, but… it hasn’t worked out.”

They didn’t have to ask why – TJ had essentially lost all of his old friends after that day on the bikes. They knew TJ did the right thing, but it couldn’t have been easy. It was one of the only reasons Buffy was willing to tolerate his presence right now.

“We’re glad you came. This will be fun.” Buffy hoped she wore a convincing smile.

“Who would’ve thought? Buffy Driscoll and TJ Kippen. Good enough friends to hang out together.”

“Friends is a strong word.” The words were instinctive, and Buffy backtracked once Cyrus sent her a pleading look. “But an accurate one.”

TJ chuckled. “Sure. So, where do you want to start?”

TJ’s question triggered a debate between TJ and Buffy about whether it would be better to start slow and build to the scarier rides or get their adrenaline pumping early. TJ felt that they should jump right in because, “what, are you scared of a little speed, Driscoll?”

Buffy thought it would be better to start with some games and build to the newest ride to create some exciting anticipation.

By the time they reached the ticket booth, TJ had given in and they were all ready to start with the games.

Cyrus was blissfully unaware of everything around him as he joked around with TJ and failed to win any of the games. TJ teased him for his terrible hand–eye coordination in a way that made Cyrus feel weirdly giddy. It helped that TJ won enough to get Cyrus a small stuffed flamingo. He dropped his voice to a whisper as he handed it to Cyrus. “This is one flamingo you don’t have to be afraid of.”

Cyrus pointedly did not make eye contact with anyone because he was afraid they might see how happy that made him. TJ remembered his thing with flamingos. That felt like a lifetime ago, but TJ had somehow remembered.

They bantered back–and–forth all morning until Cyrus strapped himself into the second cart of a ride with TJ at his side.

It was at the exact moment he heard his seatbelt click into place that his mind seemed to catch up with his body, and he knew he was about to make a terrible mistake. It was too late for him to do anything about it. He desperately hoped that his motion sickness patches would keep his blueberry pancakes safely in his stomach.

When the ride started to move, Cyrus squeezed his eyes shut and clamped his mouth as tight as he could. “Are you –” Whatever TJ was about to ask was lost to the loud whoosh of wind as the ride jolted and picked up speed.

Cyrus was grateful that he’d closed his eyes because his imagination was doing a good enough job imagining the blend of colors that must be flying around him, and he wasn’t sure he could handle much more than his imagination. He already felt queasy and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be sick or if it was the side effect of his attempts to repress the guttural scream building in the pit of his stomach.

He was so stuck in that feeling, he didn’t realize the ride was over until TJ shook his shoulder. “Cy? Cyrus? You good?”

“I’m fine.” Cyrus tried to stand and was immediately thrust back into his seat by his seatbelt. He needed to get it together before TJ realized how much of a mess he was. He quickly freed himself and stood. He took a second to steady himself; black dots danced in his vision as his eyes readjusted to how bright the sun was. Once he was sure he wasn’t going to pass out or throw up, he grinned. He’d done it. If he got through this ride, he could handle another. He wouldn’t throw up on TJ and maybe their friendship would live another day.

They followed the line of people exiting the ride. Once they were past the exit, TJ put his hand on Cyrus’s shoulder to stop him. “You sure you’re okay? You look kinda pale.”

Cyrus’s smile grew. He thought he’d done pretty well. “I’m good. Promise.” Now that he was safely back on solid ground, it didn’t feel like a lie. Who said he was bad at roller coasters? TJ looked relieved at the obvious honesty in Cyrus’s voice before he let his hand fall from his shoulder.

It was in the middle of a ride that was spinning so fast Cyrus couldn’t force his eyelids shut against the strength of the wind that he found the answer to his own question. It was himself. He’d said he was bad at roller coasters. Because he was.

Sure, over breakfast with all the bravado of a pack of motion sickness patches, he’d thought this would be fine. That was before he had something to lose if it wasn’t fine.

When the ride stopped, Cyrus discovered he was clutching TJ like his life depended on it. He hadn’t realized TJ had his arm over his shoulder until TJ withdrew. “You’re not really one for roller coasters, are you?”

Cyrus tried to push up the metal bar holding them in place, but it didn’t budge. Did it usually take this long? “It’s not that. I just have a complicated relationship with anything that moves too fast… or spins… or makes jerky moves.” Cyrus motioned to the ride. “Or does all three.” He glanced at TJ before he looked down at the bar. “And I don’t want you… I don’t want to do something embarrassing.”

The bar finally lifted, and TJ helped Cyrus to his feet. “Don’t worry about doing something embarrassing. We’re here to have a good time. Besides, we’re all friends. None of us are going to judge you. Some random strangers might, but who cares? You’ll never see them again.”

Cyrus only nodded because he didn’t particularly care about the other people, but he cared a lot about what TJ thought. The whole we’re–all–friends thing kind of got to him. He knew he shouldn’t be reading too much into that, and he didn’t know what he was expecting – for TJ to profess his undying love? Absolutely not. He still couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

“Do you want to take a break? Or are you ready for some real rides?”

TJ’s eyes lit up as he instinctively responded to the challenge in Buffy’s voice. “Bring it, Driscoll. That is, if you can handle it.”

Buffy scoffed before she ran ahead to catch up with Andi. TJ didn’t move. “Are you up for this?”

“Of course.” Cyrus hoped that it was too loud for TJ to hear the unearthly octave his voice reached.

Cyrus ended up sandwiched between Andi and TJ on the next ride. He’d watched multiple fairgoers as they went in death–defying loop–de–loops, and the long line had left him far too much time to overthink his inevitable doom and build up his terror.

The first time the ride went upside down, Andi grabbed his hand and held it high above their heads. Desperate for some type of tether, Cyrus grabbed the only thing within reach of his free hand – TJ’s hand.

He couldn’t feel embarrassed while the ride was moving; he was too busy trying to fend off a nauseating dizzy feeling as the ride tossed him between Andi and TJ.

This time, he was blissfully aware that the ride was over because it came to an abrupt stop, throwing him against his harness. He released TJ’s hand and stretched out his own – it was uncomfortably stiff and he could see TJ clenching and unclenching his hand. “Sorry about that.”

“You’re fine. I think I’ll be able to feel it again one day.” TJ dramatically opened and closed his fist, exaggerating the difficulty he was having.

“Maybe you need to take a break from rides and rest your hand.” Cyrus was only half joking. Part of him hoped that TJ would take him up on it, but the other part, the part with the ability to look past his terror, was having the teensiest bit of fun.

“Or maybe you want to take a break because you’re scared.” A sly smile crossed TJ’s face. Cyrus suddenly knew with complete certainty that if he told TJ he was scared, TJ wouldn’t make a big deal about it and they’d go off and play games or something. Cyrus wanted that with an intensity that surprised him, but more than he wanted it, he wanted TJ to have a good time today. If TJ wanted to take a break, that would be different, but Cyrus didn’t want to pull him from the fun he wanted to be having.

“I’m not scared. Bring on the next one!” He forced as much bravado as he could into his voice and tried to convince himself he was making the right decision.

TJ chuckled. “Great. Because I think they’re going on that one next.”

Cyrus followed TJ’s hand to a sign with the words “Stomach Churner” in thick, red writing that Buffy and Andi were passing to get to the line. It felt ominous and Cyrus hoped this wasn’t the universe’s way of foreshadowing the horrors to come.

The line moved fast which was a blessing and a curse. There wasn’t enough time for Cyrus to build up his panic, but there also wasn’t enough time for him to convince himself that he could handle this.

An attendant who was far too smiley led him and TJ to a basket that Cyrus was certain wasn’t sturdy enough to protect them from what the ride was about to do.

“Scared?” TJ asked. The question felt different this time; not as teasing and with a genuine note of concern.

“No, of course now.” Cyrus nervously chuckled as his voice gave away his lie. “Okay, maybe a little. I’ll be fine.”

“Well, if it helps…” TJ trailed off for a moment, and Cyrus met his gaze. “I don’t mind if you need to hold on to me.” There was something strange about how TJ said it; something that made Cyrus’s stomach swirl for reasons completely unrelated to the ride. 

“I don’t know.” Before Cyrus could come up with an excuse, the ride started to spin. It pushed him into TJ and he held the safety bar so tightly, his knuckles were white and pronounced. TJ moved his hand next to Cyrus’s and brushed it lightly with his pinky. For a moment, the world seemed to stand still. Cyrus looked at TJ’s hand and as if his body knew what he wanted before his brain did, he flipped his hand. When TJ looped his fingers through, Cyrus felt the world hurdle forward. It didn’t feel dangerous like it had before. Mostly, it felt… exhilarating. Cyrus couldn’t stop smiling and a joyous scream escaped him once. He couldn’t tell if he was enjoying the ride, enjoying this stolen moment with TJ, or enjoying that he didn’t feel like he was going to throw up for the first time since they’d started the rides.

Part of him also couldn’t help but think about what this meant. Was TJ being a supportive friend? Or, impossibly, had he wanted to hold Cyrus’s hand? Was he as excited for this excuse as Cyrus was? Cyrus’s stomach churned – he finally understood the name of the ride – as he tried to sort through everything he was feeling.

Too soon, the ride came to a stop. For a moment, Cyrus sat in his seat with TJ’s hand in his own and desperately tried to prolong the moment when they would have to let go of his imaginary fear–induced paralysis that allowed him to hold TJ’s hand.

Eventually came too soon as TJ scooted away from him. The space between them felt like miles rather than inches. Cyrus couldn’t bring himself to say anything as he rose to his feet. He mechanically followed TJ to the next ride.

This time, when they were seated, Cyrus placed his hand palm in between him and TJ. He looked straight ahead as if that would make TJ think it wasn’t a planned, intentional move.

Within a second of hearing the click of TJ’s seatbelt, he felt the warmth of TJ’s hand press into his own as his fingers weaved through. Cyrus still couldn’t make himself look at TJ. He expected the ride to start right away, but it didn’t. The bar came down and TJ placed his free hand on the bar. Surely, if he didn’t want to hold Cyrus’s hand, this would have been his chance to move. A minute passed. Maybe more, maybe less. Cyrus had no concept of anything except TJ’s hand which had started to rub circles into the back of his hand. Cyrus’s eyes drifted closed and he didn’t open them until the mechanical sound of their cart moving up a steep incline alerted him to the start of the ride. When they went down the first hill, TJ threw their joined hands into the air and Cyrus couldn’t help the hysterical laugh that escaped him. It was a mix of terror, excitement, joy, and about ten other things he couldn’t identify. Maybe the ride had thrust them into an alternate universe where things like reason and reality became meaningless. That was the only explanation for how his brain, for the first time all day, entirely shut off and let him be in this moment.

The ride ended too soon, and Cyrus still didn’t let go. He knew without the slightest bit of doubt that he couldn’t feign fear this time but that didn’t stop him from sitting still as if the slightest movement would prompt TJ to let him go.

The movement eventually came from the ride attendant and Cyrus felt inexplicably disappointed. He’d known TJ would let go, and honestly, he’d have let go himself if he was functioning rationally enough to make that kind of decision.

It didn’t escape Cyrus’s notice that TJ had yet to say a word to him, and Cyrus couldn’t bring himself to break the silence. Their silent hand–holding lasted two more rides before TJ pulled him aside before they could follow Andi, Buffy, Jonah, and Amber. “Why don’t we take a break? We could get some snacks or do a ride that’s a bit slower.”

“We might miss that new ride. I think they’re gonna go on it next.” Cyrus could see the line for it from where they stood, so he knew that was the general direction they were heading. “I know you’ve been looking forward to it.”

“Don’t worry about it. I want to do something where we can talk. What about the Merry–Go–Round or the Ferris Wheel? We can go on the new one later or skip it. It doesn’t matter to me.” TJ shrugged and looked forward. It gave Cyrus the opportunity to try to find hidden nuance in TJ’s expression, but he was undecodable.

Cyrus tried to hide his panic as he squeaked out, “okay.” What did TJ want to talk to him about? Had Cyrus crossed some kind of invisible line? Had TJ figured out that Cyrus had feelings for him? He supposed that all the hand–holding made it kind of obvious, but TJ hadn’t seemed to object. What if Cyrus just hadn’t noticed? What if at some point, TJ had noticed that Cyrus held his hand in a completely different way than his fear–induced contact. “I’m fine with anything. Except the Merry–Go–Round. Anything but the Merry–Go–Round.”

“Ferris Wheel it is. And you can tell me why you hate the Merry–Go–Round.” Cyrus was in such a daze thinking about how he could explain his thing with the Merry–Go–Round, he missed whatever TJ said to Buffy. He didn’t miss the wink and thumbs up she shot him once TJ turned his back.

They were silent as they waited in line. Cyrus couldn’t tell if the line was moving uncharacteristically fast or if time had sped up while he wondered if this ride was going to be the beginning of something… or the end.

Once they were sitting across from each other in the car of the Ferris Wheel, TJ angled himself toward Cyrus. “Is the Merry–Go–Round part of your stuff?”

“Something like that.” Cyrus shifted in his seat. The Ferris Wheel rocked a little as it started to move, but he barely noticed. He didn’t understand why he felt so self–conscious. Buffy was right; TJ had seen him in some pretty embarrassing situations and that hadn’t scared him away. And Cyrus had survived MANY roller coasters without TJ ditching him. Somehow, this felt different. “I once got motion sick on a Merry–Go–Round and threw up in my shoe.”

TJ laughed before he covered his mouth. The laugh weirdly made Cyrus feel relieved. It was such a TJ reaction, and surely, he wouldn’t be laughing if he was about to tell Cyrus they couldn’t be friends. The thought made Cyrus’s breath hitch and all the relief abandoned him leaving him jittery and panicked.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but…” Another chuckle escaped him. “If you couldn’t handle the Merry–Go–Round, how are you still standing right now?”

“Technically, I’m sitting.” TJ raised his eyebrows, and Cyrus sighed. “Motion sickness patches. Plural. Lots of them. I was prepared. So, you don’t have to worry that I’m gonna throw up on you or anything.”

TJ tilted his head and studied Cyrus until Cyrus ducked his head to look at the floor. “I wasn’t worried about that. You know, one of the first times I came here, I projectile vomited after playing one of those games where you have to knock down the cardboard fish.”

“What?” Cyrus couldn’t help his smile. “How?”

“I scored enough points to win this giant green dinosaur – I was all about the dinos back then. I got so excited that I started screaming and jumping up and down. My dad had filled me with junk food, and it all came back up.” TJ winced. “I was, like, seven, but still. At least you were on a ride.”

Cyrus laughed. “I think we’re tied. That’s hilarious. You’re adorable.” He heard the words after he said them and hastily added, “I mean that sounds adorable. A seven–year–old excited about a stuffed dinosaur? Cute.” If there was proof acting wasn’t a viable career for him, it was the terrible performance he just gave as he covered up his slip.

“I was an adorable kid.” A smile played on TJ’s lips. “And believe it or not, I was a good kid. I kind of forgot how to be human for a few years, but… someone came along who reminded me how great it feels to be human. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that.”

“Oh, I really didn’t do anything.”

“You let me in. That’s everything.” TJ shifted slightly so his knee brushed Cyrus’s. “When I was at my least likable, you saw something in me and let me in.”

“You say that like it was hard.” Cyrus shifted, letting his hands drift to his knees. It would be so easy to reach TJ. Their knees were touching and TJ’s hand was maybe an inch away from his own, but the distance seemed to expand between them. “You’ve always been likable to me. Besides, you let me in. You’ve made me stronger.” Cyrus moved his hand so his pinky nearly touched the edge of TJ’s knee. “And you made me braver.”

“That’s what you did for me.” TJ’s voice was barely a whisper. “I’m the best version of me when I’m with you.” TJ’s pinky moved the slightest distance so it was nearly touching Cyrus’s.

“Can I ask you a question?” Cyrus wasn’t sure if TJ could hear him because the pounding in his ears drowned out his words. Maybe they’d died on his lips. Except, TJ nodded. “I know you’ve let me in, and obviously, I let you in too. Mostly. But, I can’t help but wonder… if maybe there’s important stuff we don’t know.” Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. The words pounded rhythmically with his heart, but his nerve failed him. He couldn’t get the words out, but he moved his hand so it was over TJ’s. “Is there anything I should know about you?”

Time seemed to stand still. Cyrus couldn’t tell if hours passed, or if it had only been seconds. Time held no meaning until TJ flipped his hand so he could grab Cyrus’s. “Yes.” TJ’s voice was clear and determined and unwavering. Cyrus was sure he was going to explode; surely, his body wasn’t strong enough to contain his anxiety, anticipation, hope, and fear. “Is there anything I should know about you?”

Cyrus squeezed TJ’s hand. “Yes.”

This was so different than it had been on the rides. Cyrus felt warm everywhere and was certain that his life couldn’t possibly get better. However, as the butterflies in his stomach reoriented themselves to this new depth of feeling, Cyrus was surprised to also feel a deep sense of dissatisfaction. When their car came to a stop at the very top of the Ferris Wheel, Cyrus looked out around him. Somehow, seeing how small he was in comparison to the vast world around him, Cyrus realized why this moment wasn’t perfect. Yes wasn’t an adequate enough answer to TJ’s question. He wanted TJ to know. “TJ?”

“Yeah?”

“I… I’ve never known anyone like you before.” He looked at TJ who was leaning forward a little as if he were literally hanging onto Cyrus’s every word. “I’m really glad you came into my life because… I like you. Not like, as friends but as more than that. TJ, I’m gay.” Cyrus looked out at the expanse in front of him and felt a giddy weightlessness fill him. He felt free now that he’d told the one person he was most afraid to tell. 

That feeling lasted precisely five seconds, disappearing as if it had only been an illusion once Cyrus realized that TJ’s hand had gone rigid and that TJ was silent.

Immediately, Cyrus started to second–guess everything. Maybe they were holding hands as friends or maybe TJ had wanted to tell him something completely unrelated. Maybe he’d just ruined everything by telling TJ he was gay.

Cyrus started to pull his hand away, but TJ took his hand in both of his before he got far.

“Thank you. Seriously.” A small smile spread across TJ’s face. “Thank you. I can’t tell you what it means that you trust me enough to tell me that. And I know what you want me to say. But…”

Cyrus felt his heart drop to his stomach. “It’s fine. You don’t feel the same –”

“I do. I really do. I’m just not ready to put a label to who I am or even try to guess at what that might be. I’m sorry I’m not as brave as you, that I’m not ready to let people see the real me. I like you so much. More than I’ve ever liked anyone before. That I can say, but I can’t tell you what I am. Because I don’t know. I’ve never talked about this with anyone. My old friends joked about it, but I mostly tried to ignore them. I’ve never even said the word… I’ve never said… the one you said, out loud. I don’t know if that’s me. It's not that I think I’ll outgrow that I like you or that I think I don’t like…” TJ coughed and squeezed Cyrus’s hand. “That I don’t like boys because I do. I don’t think you’re the first, but you’re the first one I couldn’t deny. Like, the other ones, I could tell myself that it was just a time and a place thing, but with you? It’s always; it’s undeniable. But I can’t figure out if I’ve liked girls before or if I just thought I should.”

A nervous laugh escaped Cyrus, not because this was remotely funny but because the sudden avalanche of relief made him feel gloriously happy. TJ said he liked him… he wasn’t sure he could stop smiling right now. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You don’t need to have the answers right now or ever, really. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. That includes me.”

“I know, but I feel like I owe it to myself.”

Cyrus nodded. “I get it. It took me a long time to figure this out, and I felt like I needed the answer to make sense of how I felt. I was so scared to have a crush on a boy, and I even had a girlfriend once because I didn’t know who I was. Once I figured it out, it was scary, but it was also like I found a key to a door I didn’t know existed, and I started to work on accepting that part of me. You’re only the fourth person I’ve told. But Teej? You don’t need to apologize. Never apologize for doing what you need to do to find your key.” Cyrus leaned forward slightly. “You are so brave. That’s why I like you. A lot.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the ride. There were no other words they needed to speak; they simply wanted to experience the pleasure of the moment. They separated once they reached the ground; there was an unspoken consensus that they were not ready to be remotely public about their feelings.

They ran into Andi and Buffy at an ice cream kiosk after they got off the Ferris Wheel. Cyrus and TJ were quiet, cautiously exchanging short, knowing looks and secret smiles.  Before they knew it, it was time to leave.

Once they parted, Cyrus and TJ barely had a chance to talk outside of texting each other random emojis and various forms of “hi” back and forth an embarrassing amount. They still exchanged stolen glances and smiles in the hallway, but school, homework, work, and sports kept them separated. 

Until Friday. TJ found Cyrus when he was cramming books into his backpack and double checking his bag and locker to make sure he had everything he needed for his weekend homework. “Do you want to go on a date?”

Cyrus spun around. “Uh… huh? A date?”

“Yeah. A date. You know. Me. You. Doing something together.” TJ grinned.

“I think that depends on the doing something together piece. Maybe no basketball or running or walking…” Cyrus cut himself off before he continued his list because TJ was shaking with laughter.

“I was actually thinking maybe you could come over? Or I could come to you? We could make some popcorn and watch a movie?” TJ shuffled. “It’s not that I don’t want to go out–out with you or anything, but…”

“But going on a real date is a big step?” Cyrus suggested.

“Well, I think this is a real date.”

Cyrus nodded. “Fair enough. A public date then? It’s a step you’re maybe not sure you’re ready to take because you’re not ready for everyone to know when you haven’t even told your parents?”

TJ looked immensely relieved. “Yeah. Exactly. You get it.”

“I do get it.” Cyrus ducked his head and looked at the ground. “Because I wasn’t just talking about you.”

“You… you weren’t?”

“No. I want us to take this part slow and be on the same page, and I need to be ready to tell more people before I’m ready for that. I think the worst thing we could do would be to rush this part. That’s what I learned from Andi and Jonah. This won’t work if we’re not both ready.”

TJ frowned. “Your parents don’t know?”

“Not yet. It’s surprisingly hard to tell shrinks that you’re gay. I know they won’t tell me if they do this, but part of me is afraid they’ll start to think of me like one of their clients. Like being gay is something I have to work through when I think I’ve already done that.”

TJ glanced around. There were only two other kids in the hallway, and he was sure they were far enough away that they couldn’t have heard them, but he wasn’t willing to take the chance. He grabbed one of Cyrus’s hands and pulled him into an empty classroom.

“I think maybe we should talk about all of this. I’m new at this… talking about the important things, but I want to try to figure this out.”

“Figure what out?”

“You’ve always been really easy to talk to.” TJ sat down on top of a desk and waited for Cyrus to sit next to him.

“I guess having four parents who are therapists rubbed off on me.” Without talking about it, Cyrus held out his hand and TJ took it. The move was effortless and they both smiled once they realized. “I still don’t understand.”

“I’ve spent a lot of time not talking about the things that really matter, but with you, I don’t want to not talk.”

“We talk.” Cyrus frowned. “Don’t we?”

“Sort of.” TJ ran his hand through his hair as he struggled to find the words to explain what he was feeling. “I feel like you’re the only person I can really open up to, but I’m still scared to do it. I’m still scared to ask you questions that I think might lead to a scary conversation.”

“Like what?”

“Can you tell me about your parents?”

Cyrus closed his eyes for a moment. TJ was right. In so many ways, they’d talked about so many big and important things, but there was so much to learn. “They’re great. Really. And hypothetically, I know they’ll be fine with this. But they’re also intense. They’ve spent years working with kids who… who really struggle with life and stuff, and so they’re so on top of me about how I’m feeling. It’s like… I mentally sneeze and they’re terrified. I guess… that makes it hard to talk to them when there is something happening. Like, when I was figuring this out, I felt like it would become something more than I wanted it to be if I told them.”

TJ nodded thoughtfully. “That sounds like a lot.”

“I shouldn’t complain. I’m so lucky to have four people who love me. I know not everyone has that.”

“You can be lucky and still feel overwhelmed. Maybe we do my house for our date?” TJ chuckled.

“Oh, my dad isn’t going to analyze you or anything… at least, he won’t tell you unless you want to talk to him about it. But your house is cool. It’s been a while since you beat me at pool.” 

TJ laughed. “Then, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon?”

Cyrus didn’t answer because he suddenly realized something really important. Something he’d been putting off.

“Or… not?”

“Oh, believe me. Tomorrow afternoon is perfect. You could have said five in the morning, and I’d agree to it. We’re going on a date!”

“But?”

“But this is a really big deal, and all I want to do is tell Andi and Buffy.”

“So?” TJ frowned and studied Cyrus. 

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted them to know.”

TJ shrugged. “After Adrenaline City, I doubt they’ll be surprised. I think it’s the natural next step. I’m actually impressed they haven’t already tried to plan this date for us.” When Cyrus didn’t smile at his joke, TJ frowned. “What?”

“I… uh… well…” Cyrus sputtered. “I didn’t tell them about Adrenaline City. I mean, I told them I realized I had a crush on you, but I didn’t tell them anything else. You’d be okay with them knowing?”

TJ knew his mouth was open, but he couldn’t help it. “You didn’t tell them? I didn’t think you had any secrets.”

“I don’t like keeping secrets from them, but you said you weren’t ready for people to see the real you.”

“I don’t think that’s exactly what I said.”

“It is,” Cyrus insisted. “I remember it specifically because the next thing you said was that you liked me, and it made me feel like a storybook character. Like Cinderella without the shoe.” Cyrus met TJ’s stare. “It’s not the kind of thing you forget.”

“Does that mean I’m your Prince Charming?” TJ brought his hand to his chin and struck a pose that he hoped made him seem rugged and handsome. He didn’t think he fully pulled it off, but Cyrus’s smile made it all worth it.

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before TJ said, “when do you think you’re gonna tell them.”

“I don’t know. I want to tell them, but I also don’t. I wish I could fast–forward through this part.” Cyrus sighed. “I’ll try to tell them the next time I see them.”

“And you’ll come over tomorrow, right? Even if you haven’t told them?”

“Of course!”

Cyrus tried to tell Buffy and Andi. He really tried. It didn’t feel like the right time before their date. Or after their date. Or anytime in the weeks that passed as he and TJ became more inseparable than they were before. Things felt gloriously uncomplicated… things felt less complicated… things were complicated, but in the best way without having to share every little detail with Buffy and Andi. The more time that passed, the harder it became to think about changing what felt like perfection to him.

Cyrus wasn’t sure why it was so hard to tell them. TJ made him happier than he knew it was possible to be, but he could feel himself holding back as if his secret created a barrier between him and TJ. His guilt grew as he wrestled with wanting to tell them and wanting this to be his thing for a little longer.

With every movie night, every bag of chips they devoured while lying down on the floor and talking for hours at a time, every game of ping pong or pool or cards, every day his feelings for TJ grew, Cyrus felt worse about what was starting to feel like a blatant deception. He hated how right his dates with TJ felt when it made him feel so wrong to keep this huge thing from his friends.

However, it got to the point where he couldn’t hide his euphoric mood from them. One Saturday afternoon while they were getting lunch at the Spoon, Cyrus was pushing around his baby taters thinking about the amazing night he’d spent with TJ the night before. They’d gone back and forth asking each other the most ridiculous questions and tossing taters in one another’s mouths. TJ had much better food–mouth coordination than Cyrus did.

It had still been a fun night. And a memorable one. The question of what type of milk (plain, chocolate, or strawberry) they would be and why had led to a surprisingly insightful conversation. The question about their favorite gummy bear flavor had led to TJ sharing a trip he’d gone on when he was younger and had given Cyrus the opening to tell TJ about how he’d come out to his dad and stepmom earlier that morning.

Cyrus couldn’t remember exactly how one conversation had tied to another; he couldn’t connect the dots from star signs to TJ’s real name to the point in TJ’s childhood when he’d started to believe he was either the best or he was nothing. There was no road map from favorite ice cream flavors to what they wished they could do more than anything in the world to what they’d do if they got stranded on a deserted island to Cyrus’s irrational fear, not of being stranded on an island, but being stranded alone on that island to their most embarrassing moments.

There was no shortage of stories they could share, and they seemed to build each other back up when their stories seemed to tear them down. Then, at the end of the night… Cyrus closed his eyes and for a moment he was back with TJ, standing in front of TJ’s front door while they said goodbye. He’d thought TJ was going to kiss him; there had been this glorious tension when they’d been saying goodbye, but Cyrus had tilted his head down at the last minute and had instead received a feeble hug from TJ.

Cyrus hadn’t realized how badly he wanted to kiss TJ. It was all he’d been able to think about since he’d left TJ yesterday, but he also knew that he needed to be honest with Andi and Buffy first. Kissing TJ wasn’t going to be a whim. They’d been dating exactly a month now… he was actually going over to TJ’s for their one–month anniversary later. Cyrus wasn’t sure he totally bought into anniversaries and definitely not monthly anniversaries, but being with TJ a month marked the longest he’d ever kept a secret from Buffy and Andi… almost. He’d hidden that he was gay from them for a lot longer but that was different. Whatever sliver of denial Cyrus had been holding on to seemed to disappear. He couldn’t do anything else with TJ until he told them the truth.

He was pulled from his thoughts when Buffy waved her hand in front of his face. “Do you want to tell us why you’re so happy?”

“Should I not be happy?” He forced his smile into a neutral expression and was surprised by how much effort it took. It was easier to smile at this point.

“I’m happy that you’re happy, but I hope you have a good reason for looking so happy that Andi just told us she’s probably not starting high school with us.”

Cyrus stared. “Wait, what?” Andi and Buffy suddenly had Cyrus’s undivided attention. The end of the year was rapidly approaching, but he’d given no thought to finishing out middle school and starting high school. He’d taken for granted that they’d all be together. “Are you moving?”

“Not exactly. I’ll still be exactly where I am, but Bex thinks I have a chance of getting into this specialized art school. The things they make at this school… it’s nothing like what I’d be able to do at our high school. It’s real art, and I don’t know. We went to see it, and I felt like I could see myself there. I probably won’t get in.”

“And I told her we’d support her whatever she chose.” Buffy turned to Andi. “I’m gonna miss you like crazy next year, but of course you’re gonna get in and of course you’ve gotta go.” Then Buffy turned her gaze to Cyrus. “When I asked if you agreed, you just kept smiling at the wall. What gives?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll tell you about TJ later. You’re going to art school?” Cyrus felt so conflicted about the potential separation – how was he supposed to get through high school without Andi? At the same time, he was so proud of her. She was so good at art because she looked at the world like a blank canvas, and he’d witnessed her passion for art. It would go past selfish to cruel to discourage her from pursuing that just because he didn’t want to miss her. “Andi, this is huge! I’m so happy for you. And sad for me. And scared. And worried because Buffy is giving me a weird look… and why are you smiling at me like that?  I’m feeling too many things. Please make it stop.”

“Did you hear what I heard?” Andi turned toward Buffy for validation.

“Sure did,” Buffy confirmed.

“Heard what?” Cyrus looked between the two of them, but he couldn’t remember what he’d said before they’d started acting weird.

“You said you’re gonna tell us about TJ.” Andi’s eyes practically twinkled.

“Did I?” Cyrus twiddled his fingers under the table to fend off an antsy feeling. He’d told himself that he was going to tell them about TJ today, but now that the moment was here, he just wanted more time. “I don’t think so… we were talking about you and art school. Tell us more.”

“Andi might go to art school. Oh, look, we’re done talking about it.” Buffy gestured to Cyrus. “Now, tell us about TJ. You’ve barely talked about him since Adrenaline City.”

“Oh… uh… yeah… well… the thing is…” Cyrus squeezed his eyes shut. “About that…” He’d had weeks to plan exactly how to say this, but somehow, he always came up empty. He couldn’t figure out how to explain this thing with TJ when they’d barely talked about it themselves.

“Tell us.” Andi and Buffy grinned when their encouragement came out in unison.

Cyrus played with a napkin, then moved around some baby taters. He couldn’t make his mouth open and his voice come out. “I don’t know how to say this.”

Buffy threw a tater at Cyrus. “Just say it.” She was pretty sure she knew what was coming, and she was so excited that they’d finally figured out their feelings for each other. When he said nothing, Buffy shifted nervously. But what if they hadn’t? What if this was something else? “You’re starting to scare me.”

It was almost exactly what she’d said to him when he’d told her about Jonah. Somehow, that made him feel more comfortable. “I’m scaring myself.” He echoed the words that an entirely different Cyrus had spoken. “I need you not to make a big deal about this. I don’t even know what this is. We’re, uh, we’re kind of dating… sort of. We’ve been hanging out a lot. I’m not sure if it counts, but TJ says it does. We do the same kind of stuff I do with you, so who knows? And… yeah.”

“You’re dating…” Buffy started

“TJ!” Andi’s voice mixed with Buffy’s. She said TJ’s name like an exclamation; Buffy said it like a confirmation.

“How long have you been dating?”

“How many dates have you been on?”

“What do you do on these dates?”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

That last question abruptly ended the avalanche of questions they’d been throwing at Cyrus, and they both looked at him expectantly.

“Well?” Buffy asked.

“Um… we haven’t talked about it yet.”

“Wait, have you kissed him?” Andi asked.

Buffy’s eyes got wide. “Have you?”

Cyrus sighed. So much for not making a big deal about it. He didn’t mind as much as he thought. Mostly, he was relieved they didn’t seem angry with him. “That’s a lot of questions.” When Buffy and Andi remained silent, he continued. “Technically, it started at Adrenaline City. We went on our first date the Friday after that. It wasn’t much at first. We hung out a few times a week, but we’ve been different the last few weeks. I’ve seen him every day and I…” Cyrus shook his head. That was a thought that needed to live with him a little longer. He wasn’t ready to share just how much he longed to spend more time with TJ. “I know he likes me. It’s still so hard to believe.” Cyrus paused for a moment before he whispered, “TJ Kippen likes me.” He knew he sounded awed.

“Of course, he does! He’d be crazy not to love you.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Love is a big word. A really big one. Let’s not push it.” He didn’t even know if he could call TJ his boyfriend, and he knew he liked TJ so much, but he absolutely was not ready to call it love. Not even jokingly.

Buffy looked like she was about to say something, but Andi put her hand on her shoulder, and Buffy shrugged. “Okay, fine. Back to the boyfriend question.”

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it. We’ve just kinda been getting to know each other.” Cyrus could feel heat flood to his cheeks as he thought about the night before. “He’s fun to be around. And before you ask again, no we haven’t kissed.”

“But you want to.” Buffy didn’t say it like a question; the longing was obvious in Cyrus’s forlorn eyes, in the soft sigh that escaped him, in the blush of his cheeks.

“Yeah, kinda.” He wanted it so badly that he was sure he might explode if it didn’t happen soon, but he was afraid he might jinx it if he admitted that out loud. If the universe knew that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what TJ’s lips would feel like pressed against his… it might never happen.

“So, kiss him.”

“It’s not that simple.” Cyrus twisted his hands back and forth.

“What did you do when you kissed Iris?” Andi asked.

“Really? I don’t think that’s what I should compare it to.”

“What else can you compare it to?” Andi’s words were gentle, but Cyrus still felt defensive. “Obviously, it’ll be different. You like TJ, but it might help you figure out how to make this happen with TJ.”

Cyrus nodded. “I don’t think I really kissed her though.” When Andi raised her eyebrows, he quickly backtracked. “I mean, I didn’t start it. I was being awkward, so she kissed me to shut me up. If that was gonna work with TJ, we’d have kissed the day we met. Besides, this is different.”

Buffy snickered. “TJ has probably wanted to kiss you since the day you met. Don’t overthink it. It’s really not that different.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s so different!”

“How?”

“Because it’s TJ! I don’t want to kiss him and then realize…” Cyrus looked down at the table. “And then realize I don’t like him just like I didn’t like Iris.”

Andi frowned and met Buffy’s eyes. Cyrus’s voice went up about twenty octaves, just like it did anytime he was trying to lie or deflect.

“Is that really it?”

Cyrus shrugged and kept looking at a scratch in the table. He imagined the different letters it could make.

“Oh.” Andi’s surprised voice pulled Cyrus’s attention away from the scratch, and he watched as she nodded to herself. “You’re not afraid you won’t like him. You’re afraid he won’t like you anymore. If you’re the one to do it, right?”

Cyrus nodded. “I know it doesn’t make sense. Things are going great, and I love getting to know him. I just… I don’t want it to stop. If he’s not ready…”

“You don’t want it to stay the same either.” Buffy reached across the table and put her hand over his. “Cyrus, at some point, you have to put yourself first. You can’t always come second to your fear.”

“I know. When I’m with him, I’m not afraid. At least, not as much as usual. I think I’m afraid of losing that feeling of not being afraid.”

Buffy wished she could wave a magic wand and make Cyrus realize how incredible he was and how much he was worthy of being unafraid.

“I get it,” Andi said softly. “It’s so scary when you don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think it’s also important to decide what you’re more afraid of. Losing TJ or never really being with him.”

“Wow, Andi. I have chills.” Buffy showed Andi her arm.

“I can’t take the credit. I got it from CeCe. She said it during one of our movie nights. I didn’t think about it at the time. My pops and I just laughed it off, but now? I kind of get what she meant. You have a choice. You can hold yourself back and stay where you are with TJ until you fizzle. Or you can take a chance and know that it doesn’t have to end badly. That, you, Cyrus Goodman, can get exactly what you want. Because it’s exactly what you deserve.” Cyrus sniffed. “Are you crying?”

“I’m not crying; you’re crying.”

“What did I say?” She didn’t know how her words had triggered this reaction.

“Nothing. Everything. I’m so lucky to have the two of you in my life. You’re literally the best, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about this sooner.”

“Yeah, why didn’t you? It’s not like you to keep secrets.” Buffy tried not to sound accusatory but knew from Andi’s eye roll that she’d been unsuccessful.

“It felt nice to have something that was just mine. Well, mine and TJ’s. I needed to figure this out for myself and do things in a way that made sense for me.”

“That’s so stupid,” Buffy said at the same time Andi said, “I get it.”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “You get it?”

Andi shrugged. “Yeah. When I was with Jonah, I didn’t know what I felt because I couldn’t sort through what I was feeling from what I thought I should be feeling. When I finally took a step back and thought about it, I realized I love Jonah, but I love him like a friend. It was something I needed to figure out on my own.” Andi looked at Cyrus. “That’s what you needed to do.”

“Yeah.” The word came out with his exhale. “That’s exactly it. I love you both, but we complicate things.”

Andi got a mischievous smile on her face, and it only took Cyrus and Buffy a second to catch on. “Just another service we provide.”

Their laughter extinguished whatever tension had been building and allowed them to get back to their baby taters and milkshakes. It was better than it had been in weeks; Cyrus had known his guilt was getting to him, but he hadn’t realized just how much it had gotten in the way of his time with Andi and Buffy.

They stayed at the Spoon another hour until Cyrus got a text from TJ: come over?

Cyrus looked at his phone, then at Andi and Buffy, then back at his phone, then at Andi and Buffy. He’d just made up his mind that he’d tell TJ he’d come over later when Andi seemed to notice. “What’s up?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. TJ just texted. Uh, he asked if I wanted to come over.” Cyrus saw the look they exchanged. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna tell him I can’t right now.” 

“No, go,” Buffy encouraged.

“I don’t want to be the guy who ditches his best friends to be with his… whatever we are. I don’t have to go right now.” Cyrus thought he’d chosen TJ over his friends enough over the last weeks.

“I have to head out anyway. Bex and Bowie wanted to do a family thing.” Andi grinned at Cyrus. “Have fun with TJ.”

“Yeah, tell him we say hi.”

“Thanks, guys. You’re the best!”

“Let us know how it goes.” Buffy winked at him.

“And remember, you deserve this.”

Cyrus rolled his eyes as he stood up and left. On my way :)

TJ was sitting on the steps in front of his house when Cyrus got there. He had a basketball in his lap and was leaning back. The sun illuminated him and made Cyrus’s heart stutter.

“Teej!” Cyrus called once he was close enough.

“Cy!” TJ jumped to his feet and gave Cyrus a one–armed hug. Cyrus let his eyes flutter closed for a moment as he inhaled deeply. This was his safe space. It was an entirely different safe space than the one he had with Andi and Buffy.

Reluctantly, Cyrus took a step back. “Did you just finish practice?” He eyed the ball in TJ’s arms.

TJ grinned. “Nope. I knew once you got inside, I wouldn’t be able to get you back out for this. I want to teach you how to make a basket.”

“You’re joking, right? I’ve played basketball in gym. We don’t need to do this.” He desperately hoped TJ wouldn’t ask him to elaborate on his embarrassing forays into sports during gym class.

“Come on. You were just saying last night that you wished you could play basketball.”

“I said a lot of things last night.” Cyrus still didn’t take his eyes off the basketball. “I said I wished I could be taller or that I could run a mile in under 20 minutes… or that I could run a mile at all. I wish I could say flamingos don’t send me into a panic and that I don’t have to hide the one you won me in my closet at night. I wish I could say I have the coordination to walk and talk and breathe at the same time without tripping over air or walking into something. And yeah, I’d love to say I have the hand–eye coordination to do anything remotely sporty like throw a basketball and have it go where I want it to go, but I’m never going to be able to say those things. And that’s fine with me.”

“Is it really? Or do you want to be able to cross one thing off that list.”

“What brought this on? You never seemed to care that basketball’s not my thing.” Cyrus couldn’t help the worry that maybe TJ had reached the point where he’d realized that he couldn’t like Cyrus if he wasn’t into basketball.

“I still don’t. Like, not at all. But yesterday when we talked about what you would change about yourself… you said so much stuff. Too much stuff. All those things you think are weaknesses are things I like about you, but if you’re gonna think of them as bad things…” TJ trailed off and looked up at the sky. “I started to think about this when you said how embarrassed you were about the time you were playing basketball with Buffy and air–balled and how that was when you realized you’d never be good enough. I think it hit me that you weren’t just talking about basketball. You’re amazing, Cy. You shouldn’t want to change anything about yourself, and most of all, you shouldn’t give up on yourself. If this is something I can do to show you that you can do anything or be anything… I know it’s silly. But it’s just us, so there’s nothing for you to be embarrassed about.” TJ took a step back and gestured toward his door. “If you really hate this idea, we can go in and watch a movie. I can’t do anything about most of your stuff, but this? I know how to help with the sports thing. I helped you do a somersault. Let me help you with this.” TJ looked at the ground.

Cyrus’s mouth was slightly agape. He’d never seen TJ so nervous before. It was surprisingly cute. There was no chance he could say no to TJ’s request now, but TJ didn’t seem to realize that.

“Fine. But if I don’t make a basket today, we officially have to give up on this ridiculous idea that I can be remotely coordinated.”

TJ chuckled before he offered Cyrus his hand and led Cyrus to his backyard where his basketball hoop was set up. “I’m gonna pass you the ball.”

“I’m not gonna catch it.”

TJ walked closer to Cyrus so he was only about a foot away. Cyrus could have reached out and grabbed the ball from TJ if he wanted to. “I promise you will.” TJ gently tossed the ball, and sure enough, Cyrus caught it. “Told you so.”

Cyrus grinned. “Think I’m ready for try–outs?”

TJ laughed. “Maybe not yet. Try dribbling.”

Cyrus dropped the ball and then scrambled to catch it before it could escape him. “There. I’m practically a basketball player. Can we go in now?”

“Nope.” TJ looked like he was thoroughly enjoying himself. “Come stand here.” He helped Cyrus get into position to take a shot. “Now, take a shot.”

“I don’t like your shorts.”

TJ rolled his eyes. “Take a basketball shot.”

“I don’t like your basketball shorts.”

“Really?” TJ looked down. They were one of his favorite pairs of shorts; definitely one of the most comfortable things he owned.

“No, not really. They’re adorable.” Cyrus added a mental, like you.

“Thanks.” TJ’s smile made Cyrus’s head cloud a little bit. TJ motioned to the basketball hoop. “Now take a real shot.”

“It’s not gonna go well.”

“Probably not. I just need to see what I’m working with.” When he read Cyrus’s skepticism, he sighed. “Please. Just try.”

Cyrus shot the ball. It went in a perfect arch before it hit the ground several feet away from the basket. TJ caught the ball after it bounced off the fence behind the net and stayed facing the fence so he could compose his expression. He didn’t want Cyrus to see how funny that had looked.

He took a deep breath and turned back to Cyrus. “Okay, not bad. You got the height. We just have to get the distance now.”

“Not bad? That was awful.”

“It really wasn’t. Take a few steps forward.” Cyrus took the smallest steps imaginable. “Now, pretend to shoot.”

Feeling self–conscious, Cyrus mimicked what he’d done before. This time, TJ couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of him. “Can you keep your eyes open? It’s kinda important that you know where to aim.”

Cyrus rolled his eyes but made an active effort to take TJ’s advice. It didn’t help improve his aim, but TJ didn’t give up. He tried moving him closer to the net, angling him in different ways, changing the way he threw the ball. Cyrus kept going, and at some point, he realized he wanted to do it. It stopped being for TJ’s sake that he kept trying; he felt like he needed to prove something to himself, even if he couldn’t put a name to that something.

On what felt like his fiftieth attempt, or maybe his five–hundredth attempt, or maybe even his millionth attempt. He’d lost track a while ago, and he could feel the muscles in his arms screaming at him; they weren’t used to working this much. Cyrus took a running start before he jumped and threw the ball.

TJ watched in amazement. It was flawless. Cyrus’s form was the best it had been all afternoon, and TJ knew as the ball left Cyrus’s fingertips that it was going to go in. It bounced back and forth on the rims of the basket several times in slow motion. A smile spread across TJ’s face while Cyrus just stared as the ball went through the hoop.

“Underdog!”

Cyrus turned toward TJ. “I did it?” TJ nodded. “I did it!” He jumped up and down. “I did it! I made a basket!”

“You did it!”

TJ high–fived Cyrus before Cyrus threw his arms around TJ and hugged him tightly. When he pulled back, he let his hands trail down TJ’s arms until they found his hands. “Thank you! I couldn’t have done that without you.”

“I don’t think that’s true, but you’re welcome.”

Cyrus suddenly became aware of how close they were standing and of the faint flush in TJ’s cheeks that he didn’t think had anything to do with basketball. He might’ve thought this was their moment, but the longer Cyrus looked, the more he realized that it was more than the blush; something looked… different about TJ. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m… really, really great. And it’s all thanks to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been so great about giving me time and not pushing me to move faster than I was ready to go.” Cyrus frowned. He actually hadn’t realized that TJ might need the space he’d been putting between them. It made him feel a little better that he hadn’t actually been holding TJ back. TJ took a deep breath. “I came out to my parents today.”

“What? Oh, my God! That’s amazing! How’d it go?”

“I don’t know what I was so scared about. Maybe that they’d think I was different or that they wouldn’t be able to handle it. The first thing my dad said was, ‘great, but your boyfriend doesn’t get you out of unloading the dishwasher.” 

“Your boyfriend.” Cyrus was barely aware of repeating the words. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest, and he hoped so very badly that TJ meant it.

“Um, yeah. I know we haven’t talked about it, but… would you like that?”

“Of course!” He wasn’t sure if there was anything he wanted more in this world. Never had he so quickly contradicted a thought as when he realized that there was something he wanted more than to be TJ’s boyfriend. He tried to focus. Now wasn’t the time. “Wait, so you told your parents about me?”

“They kinda already guessed and were just waiting for me to tell them. Apparently, I’ve been uncharacteristically happy, and I’ve been talking about you a lot.”

Cyrus’s smile inexplicably got bigger. “Really?”

“Really.” TJ met Cyrus’s eye. “Cy, I’m gay.”

“Cool.”

TJ laughed. “That’s what I should have said when we were on the Ferris Wheel. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready. I definitely knew, but it was really scary to admit it. I think I wanted to like girls because then I’d have a chance of being normal but that’s not me.”

“You are normal, Teej. Being gay doesn’t change that.”

“You’re right, but it does change me. And I’m okay with that now. I’m really and truly okay with being gay.” TJ traced up Cyrus’s arms to his elbows. “There’s something I really want to do.”

“And what’s that?” Cyrus felt his chest get tighter. He hoped he wasn’t about to have a heart attack or something, though that would be just like him. Ruin this moment with TJ because his body couldn’t help but betray him.

TJ tilted Cyrus’s head up slightly, and Cyrus’s breath caught in his throat. He thought TJ asked him if this was okay, but his ears weren’t working well enough to be sure. He nodded, trying to communicate his enthusiasm and excitement. 

When TJ kissed him, Cyrus felt everything all at once. He felt his anxiety and his fears and his doubt rush out of him. He’d thought about this moment non–stop, and it only took a second for him to realize that a world had never existed where this kiss wouldn't be gloriously awkward and yet still perfect.

He thought he’d known what to expect. Kissing Iris hadn’t been bad; she’d been warm and smelled really good, but he hadn’t felt like he wanted to kiss her again. 

There was no way to describe how much more kissing could be. Until that moment, he didn’t know that his stomach could do intense gymnastics that put his singular somersault to shame; he didn’t know that it wouldn’t just be pressing his lips to someone else until the other person pulled back; he didn’t know it would make him want so much more.

His mind was still trying to absorb everything he was feeling as he stood in shocked silence. Part of him knew TJ was looking at him, but he couldn’t focus enough to react or do anything except reflect on how much his whole world had just changed. He realized that gay had just kinda been a word to him before. He’d known it was true; there hadn’t been any doubt about that, but it held an entirely new meaning now. It held a whole future full of indescribably amazing moments like this; it held a new sort of confidence for him. He was gay, just like he was bad at basketball or scared of flamingos. For the first time since he’d told Buffy about Jonah, being gay didn’t feel like the most singular thing about him. Instead, a new truth took over. He, Cyrus Goodman, was falling for TJ Kippen. He wasn’t there yet, and he was okay with that, but he was shocked by how much he believed he would love TJ one day. It was as if the universe brought him to this moment specifically for that realization. “Did I do something wrong?” TJ’s voice was the only thing that could have broken through his stunned disbelief.

“Wrong?” The word didn’t make sense to Cyrus. How could that have been wrong? “Can we… can we do it again?”

TJ exhaled, partially from relief and partially from excitement. His, “yeah” escaped with his breath.

This time, Cyrus stood up on his tip–toes and pressed his lips to TJ’s. It was longer than their first and for the first time, Cyrus believed that maybe he did deserve this.

When they broke apart, Cyrus clung to TJ like a lifeline. He let his eyes flutter closed as he buried his head in TJ’s chest, and he almost felt like he could feel TJ’s heart, beating in unison with his own as if they’d synced during their kiss.

Then, he realized he wasn’t the only one who was quiet. He knew why he didn’t speak, but was TJ silent for the same reasons? He didn’t move his head from the safety of TJ’s chest when he asked, “was that okay?”

TJ gently shifted Cyrus’s head up so he had no choice but to look at him. “What do you mean?”

Cyrus focused on the spot above TJ’s head where the sun was so bright it created spots in his vision. “Did… uh… was that okay? Did you like it?” He still couldn’t make himself form the question he most desperately needed the answer to: did TJ still like him?

“Yeah. A lot.” TJ studied him for a minute. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. What do you want to do now? Watch a movie? Play a game?” Cyrus felt weirdly jittery, like he needed to keep doing something or he might explode.

“Find out why you’re acting weird?” TJ suggested.

Cyrus sighed. “I guess… I was a little afraid that maybe if you kiss me, you might realize you don't like kissing me.”

TJ laughed. “Oh, you’re serious.” Cyrus couldn’t help his smile. “I’m sorry but that has gotta go at the top of the irrational fears list. I like you so much, Cyrus. And I really like kissing you.” As if to prove his point, he brushed his lips against Cyrus’s again. “A lot. I hope we get to do it a lot.”

Something about that made a laugh bubble out of Cyrus and then the two of them were laughing together. TJ kissed the top of Cyrus’s forehead as their laughter faded and tightened his arms around Cyrus.

Cyrus let his eyes drift closed. He didn’t know what was going to happen and for the first time, instead of filling him with terror, he felt an excited anticipation.

They weren’t done with middle school, and then there were four years of high school to contend with. That was so much time. The things that could come between them and pull them apart were innumerable, but Cyrus had faith. He thought that maybe, just maybe, he and TJ would make it. Maybe they’d be able to face anything that came their way as long as they faced it together.