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It all began in Isak's third and last year.
He was supposed to graduate soon, and a nagging question hung over him all the time: 'Then what?'
But he chose to ignore it and all the baggage it came with. Pushed it to the back of his mind so he'd only deal with it when he'd be forced to.
Wasn't that his new mantra, after all? Take things day by day, minute by minute. Why worry about the future, when, for all he knew, an asteroid could drop on Earth and wipe out humanity? Or maybe a weapon of mass destruction would be created, or a pandemic would break out.
Either way, it was pointless to think about the future when he could live in the blissful present.
A present that involved waking up to his beautiful boyfriend, who he loved with his entire soul and who loved him right back, in their apartment, every day. It hadn't always been easy, but that only made him appreciate the good moments more. And there were plenty of those.
Why think about potentially losing the best thing in his life when he could live in their little bubble for longer? So he enjoyed russ and partied and laughed and cried and drank and ate and had sex and danced and sang and lived every second as if it was his last.
Life was good until it wasn't. Until the future hit him in the face, in the form of an acceptance letter. And the 'then what?' question turned into 'now what?'
He had applied to NTNU because it was a great university, maybe the best of this kind. From an educational standpoint, this was an opportunity he couldn't miss as it guaranteed a bright future.
Plus, in a way, he wanted a fresh start. Because if he were to put things in perspective, Oslo brought more sorrowful memories than joyful ones. Sure, the pleasant ones had a much higher intensity, but they mostly came down to one person, whereas the sadness and loneliness and anger had been piling up for years.
Was it too much to say his only source of happiness was one person? Probably. Maybe unhealthy too, and only partially true, because he did have some amazing friends and he did improve his relationship with his parents. But his past still hunted him, to the point where it became suffocating sometimes. He needed to get away, and the educational opportunity that came with that was a big bonus.
He told Even all of this one night, when his insomnia resurfaced once again, after tossing and turning in bed for hours. And Even held him then, kissed his forehead and supported him, encouraged him to apply, which he did, the next morning. But he hadn't thought he'd get in then. Then it was just a nice dream.
Now it was reality. Now he was holding clear evidence with shaky hands.
'What now?'
"Hey baby, I'm home," Even's voice rang through the house along with the sound of his keys, and that's when Isak started panicking. Should he throw the letter away? He could totally hide it and pretend he never got it.
"What's that?"
Or maybe not.
"Nothing." He said, hiding the letter behind his back, which was probably the stupidest thing he had ever done.
Even raised his eyebrow questioningly, and Isak couldn't decide if the look in his eyes was a worried or amused one. Probably a mix of both.
"What's going on?" He inquired, his voice soft, and calm, and how could Isak lie to him when he looked so good, even after hours of work, and smelled like home and everything he loved?
"I got into NTNU," Isak blurted out, his heart speeding up. He could feel it everywhere in his body. Surely, this couldn't be normal.
"Wait, what?" Even asked, his eyes wide.
"I got accepted."
"Oh my god. Oh my god," Even almost screamed before his face broke into a frown.
"Why do you seem so upset about that?"
"I just am." Isak shrugged.
"I don't follow. Just the other day you were talking about how much you love their courses,"
"I have my reasons,"
"That are?"
"It's in Trondheim, for starters."
"But weren't you saying you wanted to get away from here? Have a change of scenery?"
"Yeah, but," Isak gulped. Why was it hard to voice his thoughts? Even didn't press him this time, just waited for him to continue and Isak was grateful for that.
"What about us?" He whispered, his voice breaking. He really didn't enjoy talking about this.
"I'm coming with you?" Wait, what?
"Wait, what?"
"I can come with you. If you want me to, of course," Now it was Even's turn to get nervous. He was biting his lip hard, but Isak was too confused to understand anything.
"To do what? You already took a gap year,"
"I didn't say I'm taking another one. I can apply to a university too. And if I don't get in, I'll get a job,"
"But this is nuts, giving up on what you have here to follow me to the other side of the country,"
"Is it nuts to follow the person you love?"
"Yes?" Isak exclaimed, and it was only then that he realised they were both still standing in the middle of their room. He started breathing faster as he slumped down on a chair. He needed to slow down his heart a little because it had been racing ever since Even got home, and he now felt like it was about to leap out of his chest.
"You can't just push aside your happiness and expect me to say yes and help ruin your life,"
"Ruin my life? What? Are you hearing yourself?" Now Even raised his voice and Isak was getting dizzy.
"You're happy here, Even."
"Yes, because of you."
"No, you have your parents and your friends and that fancy film school you're waiting for an answer from."
"So you think I can't decide for myself what I want to do?"
"No, because you aren't thinking clearly about this. You're just thinking about me and not the things that matter."
"But you matter the most to me, Isak. You matter."
Isak sighed, his hands covering his face.
"It's fine. Let's chill out and talk about this later," Even said, also sitting up. He gave Isak's knee a tight squeeze while the latter just shook his head.
"It's not fine."
"We could also try long distance." Even suggested.
"See?" Isak asked, standing up.
"You're not sure about this, you don't actually want to come with me."
"I'm just considering all the options,"
"Long distance sucks, Even."
"Well, then what? Do you want to break up?" Even asked, his voice breaking.
The clock in their kitchen was still ticking. The window was still opened and the wind outside was still whooshing, blowing their yellow curtains. The birds were still chirping. Isak was still breathing, but somehow he felt like he wasn't. The world kept going but somehow it felt like the end of it.
"Maybe we should." Isak whispered, even though every cell in his body was protesting.
"Well, it's clear you don't want me to come with you, I don't know why you don't just say so."
"Of course I want you to come with me, but you can't."
"But I can, that's the- You know what? I can't be bothered anymore." Even took the jacket he had thrown away after getting home earlier and put it on. He also looked for his shoes and his keys, their keys.
"I love you." Isak said when Even opened the door to leave. He couldn't really speak so it sounded more like he was choking. He was sure that if he said something more, he'd start crying, and he couldn't have that. His boyfriend-ex? gave him a look he couldn't decipher.
"I love you too." Was the last thing Even said before leaving.
That's how it ended. Or not really, because they had more tearful conversations and a few rounds of break up sex before Even crashed on Mikael's couch and Isak moved back into the kollektiv. They didn't call it a break up, it was more of a break, to give them both time to think.
But it felt like a break up and every piece of Isak's soul fractured.
***
He spent the next days, weeks? who even knew? curled up in a ball of blankets, ignoring everything and everyone. He couldn't stand their looks of pity. The way everyone treated him like he was some fragile thing, like he might break any minute.
Noora even gave up her room, the room Isak once lived in, so he could feel more comfortable while staying there, which Isak wouldn't have accepted other circumstances, but he was too numb to care now.
Eskild kept coming into the room and giving him speeches about heartbreaks and moving on, and what a painful reminder of the time when he thought Even didn't actually have feelings for him. The boys were also constantly texting him, inviting him to drinks. Eva came by one of those days too, and she hugged him saying he needed it despite Isak insisting he didn't.
But the worst was Jonas, who refused to leave him alone and who kept checking on him, much to Isak's annoyance. Like he did now, so rudely interrupting Isak's nap.
"What?" Isak groaned at his phone.
"How are you?" Jonas asked, his voice calm.
"I'm fine." Isak let out a deep breath, and Jonas remained silent for a moment, seemingly thinking about something. Isak just wanted this call to be over already.
"You know you can talk to me, right?"
"It's only the 12th time you told me this in the last 3 days, so yes, I know."
"Isak,"
"I love you, you know?" Jonas asked and Isak bit his quivering lip. He couldn't cry because he couldn't let his friend know how terribly it hurt. Because it would break Jonas' heart, and his broken heart was enough.
"Not in the way Even does, but I love you as a best friend and I want you to be ok. But it's also ok not to be ok, you know? And you can talk to me, to Eskild, the boys, Eva, Noora, I don't know, anyone. You don't have to go through this alone, not again."
"Ok." Isak replied before hanging up. Damn it, he wasn't supposed to cry. And the saddest part was that he didn't know which words affected him the most, Jonas' care for him or the fact that he mentioned Even loving him? Isak couldn't help but wonder: Did he, still?
Isak buried his face in his palms and started sobbing. Finally broke down. He couldn't do this. He thought could, but it had probably only been a couple of days, and he was sinking. He needed to talk to Even, maybe long distance wasn't that bad of an idea, he just needed to see him again-
A knock on the door startled him. Why did he forget to lock it again?
It was probably one of his roommates, so he resumed to lying back down and turning around, because there was so way any of them would see him like this.
"Isak?" That wasn't Eskild's voice. Isak could recognise that voice anywhere.
"Even?" He sat up. An amalgam of emotions hit him like a truck, causing him to momentarily forget the state he was in. Even caught on it immediately though, because his face fell and so did Isak's.
"Eskild let me in. Don't hate him, I practically begged him to." He continued, and only then did Isak notice how bad he looked. His face pale and his eyes red and glassy. But Isak couldn't judge because his face must have mirrored Even's. Of course, he felt just as bad, Isak was a fool to believe otherwise.
"Baby," Even's voice broke, and Isak had no idea where he got the energy to stand up from, but he did and they met somewhere in the middle, crashing into each other.
"I miss you."
"I missed you too. So much."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too."
"Why are we so dramatic?" Isak pulled away although he wanted nothing more than to be held by the man he loved so fiercely.
"It's been What? 5 days?"
"5 days since the last time we last spoke to each other, 7 since we last saw each other, 9 since I touched you and 10 since we had the talk." Even smiled, brushing away some of Isak's tears. They were both gross, but Isak wouldn't have it any other way.
"Wow."
"But it felt like an eternity. It's been hell without you, babe."
"I know. Let's never do that again." Isak buried himself deeper into Even's embrace, holding him even tighter and probably cutting his circulation. But he didn't care.
"You mean that?" Even pulled away, suddenly looking nervous.
"Yeah, I'm so sorry. We should do long distance. We should do anything as long as I don't feel like this again." Isak sniffed.
"I don't think we need to do that." Even took a step back, figuratively and literally. And oh. Isak's heart didn't drop at all.
"Oh? I mean, if you don't want-"
Even pulled something out of his pocket, stopping Isak's rant.
"What's that?" Isak tried to get his eyes to focus on the paper Even was holding but he could barely see anything through his tears.
"I decided I don't want to go to that fancy film school here. I want to become a teacher, and I found the perfect university. In Trondheim."
"How, how did you apply and get accepted so fast? I-I don't get it."
"I applied months ago. The day after you applied to NTNU, actually. I didn't want to tell you until I got admitted, which I did now. I came here to tell you, but I'm not expecting anything really. Just want to let you know we might still bump into each other."
"Asshole." Isak lightly hit his chest. He couldn't even begin to comprehend what was happening, going through too many conflicting emotions, all at once.
"I'm sorry." Even said, his smug look turning into a serious one.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me."
"I just didn't want to get your hopes up. Or mine."
"Why didn't you tell me when I got my letter?"
"Again, didn't want either of us to end up disappointed. And it didn't look like you wanted me to come with you, which again, if you don't us to be together anymore-"
"What the hell are you talking about? Are you looking at me? I'm a mess, baby."
"A beautiful mess, though." Even smiled, gently cupping his face. It was his favourite smile, the one when his eyes got all crinkly. Isak's heart burst. He couldn't hold it in anymore, so he smashed their lips together in a bruising kiss. It was way too messy and he felt some teeth there, but it was them and it was perfect.
"I want to be with you. Forever, if we can." Isak let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
"Forever sounds good." Even replied, his forehead pressed to Isak's. They were 17 and 19 all over again.
"We're so stupid. And dramatic. What are we going to tell everyone?"
"You're the only one that matters to me, so."
"Oh my god. Keep saying stuff like that and we'll be neighbours instead of roommates."
"Roommates, is that all we are?" Even scoffed, playing with a strand of Isak's hair.
"Not even that. I might change my mind again."
"We just got back together and you want to break up again? Cruel."
"Shut up."