Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It didn’t feel real. 

How could it be real?

Why now?

Jeremiah Heere was 18, he was supposed to be graduating high school in less than 24 hours. His robes were draped over a kitchen chair, his dad sitting in the chair next to it. A third chair was empty, inviting. Not inviting enough. He preferred to stand, eyes burning a hole in the envelope his dad held, watching as it was extended towards him.

His mom was dead. Dead. She wasn’t even that old. While she wasn’t any sort of amazing example of health the last time he’d seen her, she was able to function - at least marginally. He supposed it had been about five years, though. A lot could happen in five years, people could change. He changed a lot in five years. Aside from the obvious squip-related changes he’d started hormones shortly after his mom left and the previous summer he’d gotten top surgery. He was probably unrecognizable. 

Not that his mom would be able to recognize him in her state.

Everything felt far off, it didn’t seem real. At least that’s what he’d tell himself so he didn’t start to feel guilty about feeling.. numb. Not sad. Not like his world shattered. Numb. After a moment he took the letter and brushed fingers over it, turning it around. It was addressed to his chosen name, at least.

“They found it in her house,” his dad’s voice was weak but.. not as weak as it had been before, five years ago. “I thought you could read it. Then you could decide if you want to go to the funeral.”

Funeral.

“M-Me?” Jeremy’s brow creased, fingers tightening his grip. These days he could usually control the stutter but this was an extraordinary circumstance.

“She.. wouldn’t want me there. Going won’t give me closure, Jer. I think it’s best I hold down the fort. I thought you might want to go. To say goodbye.”

Jeremy had never gotten to say goodbye, this would be his chance.

Whether or not that was a good thing was yet to be determined.

Jeremy,

I should have called, I know. I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you in my exiting but I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again. It was never meant to be, your father and I. I only hope that I can see you again, that you may visit me. You must be 18 now, right? You must be graduating soon. You should come see me, talk about life, talk about college. I want to make something up to you.

Love,

mom

The letter was dated about a month prior, Jeremy couldn’t help but wonder if she was ever going to send it at that rate. Who took a month to send a letter? To his knowledge she’d only died in the last week. An anger boiled in his chest and he abandoned it on his desk, tucked under his new yearbook. He’d meant to give it a proper look through, see what memories were captured there from senior year - his last year at Middleborough. Now it would just hide the letter from him. 

Flopping onto his bed he decided to look up the address, some town somewhere in the middle of Texas. Driving instructions told him it would be a 27 hour trip. Flying gave him too much anxiety and airports were overwhelming. The funeral was in a week, but a drive would be a few days. The first thing he needed to do was graduate, tomorrow was supposed to be his day. After that he’d let himself think about it, giving him about two days to make up his mind. He couldn’t even drive. Maybe it was better to forget about it.

Instead of dwelling he closed out the maps app and called Michael. He needed a distraction.

“My mom died.”

“Shit! Hold on, fuck man.” Michael’s voice was bordering on exasperated and Jeremy heard a few things clatter, Michael’s voice was louder now. He tended to put Jeremy on speaker when he was doing something but now he must have picked up the phone. He heard a door closing in the background. “Are you.. okay?”

There was a beat, neither spoke. The line crackled without their voices to fill it, the hum was almost comforting. Almost.

“I don’t know. I don’t.. want to think about it tonight. That’s why.. I, uh, called.” He dragged fingers through his hair, twirling a piece of his bangs around his finger. He worried his lip between his teeth, half expecting Michael to hang up. They had gotten closer again, they were almost back to where they’d been before junior year but it was a process.

That voice in his head always enjoyed a chance to remind him of how much he fucked up and how much Michael must secretly hate him - waiting for the perfect day to drop him.

“Alright,” Michael’s voice was soft and warm, it was familiar. That alone was enough for him to sigh and let his shoulders relax, sinking lower into his bed. “I was meaning to ask, my moms wanted to know if you and your dad wanted to come over for lunch after the ceremony stuff tomorrow. Since eating out is like.. asking for trouble with everyone celebrating. Mom wants to make adobo and she said she could make the chicken one instead of seafood for you. But mama also said she could make some carne en palito and now they’re making me pick, because their, and I quote, ‘baby boy is all grown up’ and I literally can’t pick.”

Just like that Michael was able to make it normal, was able to get Jeremy to smile.

“Yeah, he’ll probably be cool with it. I want to come.” There was a short pause and Jeremy rolled onto his side, kicking off gym shorts and socks. Odds were that he’d fall asleep talking to Michael. “I love your mama but your mom makes some killer adobo, Micah.”

“That settles it then.” He could practically hear the smile in Michael’s voice. There was some shuffling and Jeremy could safely assume Michael was crawling into bed himself. “I’ll let her know. Oh, mama also wants pictures of us so I’ll find you after the ceremony. She wants to frame it next to our first day of high school pictures.. I, unless you’re taking pictures with Christine I, uh-”

“Nah, man.” Jeremy scrunched up his face a bit at the tone shift. Even if he was doing something with Christine that didn’t mean he couldn’t do anything with Michael. “Her dad is kinda.. mad at me? We’re on good terms but I’ll see her before it starts. She’ll probably get us all to take a picture. Rich, Brooke, everyone. But.. yeah. I don’t know. We’re friends but I don’t think I’d want, like.. some nice picture of just us. I.. I think I need some space from her like one-on-one.”

“Yeah, I.. you never really mentioned what happened so, I, uh.” He could picture Michael’s face, brow furrowing. “This probably isn’t what you wanted to talk about, sorry.”

“It’s.. fine.” Jeremy rolled again, back onto his back so that he could stare up at the ceiling. It was fine. It really was. “I.. actually broke up with her. I just.. it wasn’t, like, everything I thought it’d be. I kinda like, put her on too much of a pedestal I think? She’s great but it just.. yeah. There’s also probably something to be said about projecting stuff onto her because I was trying to pretend I wasn’t bi. Hyperfocusing on a girl wasn’t the answer, believe it or not.”

“I’m glad you guys are good, then.” Jeremy couldn’t decipher his tone as well over the phone. “Did.. did you need me to drive you tomorrow?”

“Shit, yeah. I forgot to ask you.”

“Yeah, I got you, man.”

Jeremy’s chest felt warm.

The whole morning felt like a whirlwind. Gripping his graduation cap tightly he slid into the passenger seat of Michael’s cruiser, adjusting his robes so they didn’t get caught in the car door. He was already talking before he was even buckled and Michael turned the stereo down for him.

“No one.. knows. Only you. So like, if you could not bring it up?” Once he finally got buckled he looked at Michael out of the corner of his eye. He felt a hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing back and forth. The tenseness in his shoulders lessened and Michael was pulling away too soon, putting the car in reverse to pull out of Jeremy’s driveway. Jeremy watched his fingers brush over the wheel as he gripped it, moving back and forth. At this rate he would wear a hole into the steering wheel cover.

“Dude. I’m not gonna tell anyone about your mom. Promise.” He kept his eyes on the road, almost looking too serious to really be Michael. “No one else even ever met her. I’ve got no reason to say shit. Don’t worry, alright? Let’s go graduate.”

Jeremy couldn’t help but smile at that. After everything the last thing he deserved was Michael and here they were, together again. Letting everything melt away Jeremy leaned back in his seat, turning his head to watch Michael’s face. The sun hadn’t reached its afternoon peak yet, casting across Michael’s face at an angle and backlighting him. The light cutting through his hair gave it a golden hue where it normally just looked black. He hadn’t really noticed that before.

“I can’t believe it.” Jeremy wasn’t really sure which thing he was addressing anymore, dragging his eyes away from Michael. He looked out the windshield, watching other cars pass. He felt his gaze unfocusing, jaw going a bit slack until he felt an elbow nudge his arm, bringing him back. “Thanks.”

They were almost back to where they were, except for the fact that they couldn’t go back. Not fully. They had to create their new normal. A new normal where Michael had to figure Jeremy out all over again. It made him a bit guilty, but he barely understood himself these days, either.

“Of course. I.. Can’t believe what? Your.. or, uh graduating?”

“Both? Mostly graduating right now.. I never.. never thought..” 

“Jer.” It was soft and it made him want to curl up against Michael’s chest the way he did when he had a panic attack. He wasn’t panicking now, at least. “I’m proud of you.”

A million things ran through his head:

‘Why?’

‘You shouldn’t be.’

‘Everything about me is just terrible.’

‘Everything about me makes me wanna die.’

Instead of voicing any of them he kept his mouth shut. He was working on it, he really was.

“I am.” Michael’s fingers tightened around the steering wheel, only moving to flick on his turn signal. “I forgive you, every day we work on it. And every day you work on you. I’m just.. really happy you’re still here, man.”

“Thanks,” it was shaky and weak, coincidentally the same words he used to describe himself. But.. he choked it out and leaned his head on the window. It’d be alright.

“Jeremiah Heere.” He ran on autopilot, feeling almost on the edge of passing out as he crossed the stage. Instead of getting too deep into his own head he searched for something to hold onto. It was Michael, of course. Despite all the general clatter and the mix of cheers from his friends he heard a squeak of an airhorn followed by a shout from Michael. Of course he’d sneak in an airhorn - he’d promised as much their first day of freshman year. Knowing that Michael remembered such a small moment made him tear up and he bit the inside of his cheek to stay composed. He could only hope that he kept it hidden enough to not get removed before his own name was called.

Picturing Michael’s face he took his diploma and shook someone’s hand. It was easy to imagine - eyes crinkled at the corners, a big, toothy smile. He flushed as he heard another shout from Michael, walking a bit faster to circle back to his seat. His chest felt tight, he clenched his free hand into a fist to try and keep himself grounded.

“Michael Mell.”

Jeremy caught Rich’s eye and the two of them gave a synchronized shout, it was enough to get Michael’s attention and he glanced over. His face was split into a grin and he gave them a thumbs up. Spotting them was easy enough, G and H were fairly early in the alphabet. (They only sat two chairs apart.) The distraction nearly cost Michael his grace, though and he quickly directed his gaze back in front of him so that he didn’t trip. Jeremy couldn’t tell from his chair but it looked like his friend’s cheeks flushed darkly.

It made him emotional - watching Michael cross the stage. They graduated. They really did it. And no matter how proud Michael claimed to be Jeremy would argue that he was ten times prouder. Michael was just better at hiding his hurt, but that didn’t mean he didn’t do his own fair share of suffering, even just in the last year. It hurt to think about but now, here he was, he made it too. They made it together.

All those nights of answering Michael’s frantic calls as senior year suffocated them were worth it. Were worth seeing Michael turn as he grabbed his diploma and stick his hands in the air in victory. He liked to pretend he was shameless but Jeremy knew, he knew how brave even that act was. He was proud.

“Like I said, that adobo is killer.” Jeremy hopped down the basement steps two at a time after saying goodbye to his dad with a promise to be home for dinner. He didn’t want his day with Michael to end just yet, even if he was uncomfortable in the slacks and dress shirt he’d had on under the gown. It wouldn’t be too long until he went home to change and he’d much rather grin and bear it to just be with Michael.

“And, like, the only one you’ve had.”

“Let me compliment your mom’s cooking, asshole.” There was no malice, his grin crooked and his hair a bit messy from wearing his graduation cap earlier.

“Fine, fine.” Michael raised his hands in a mock surrender, moving to drop onto one of the bean bag chairs in the middle of his room. He folded his hands over his stomach, leaning back and letting his eyes shut.

“I.. hey,” Jeremy lowered himself onto the chair next to him, wringing his hands and not waiting for a response, “I need your opinion.”

“I have plenty of opinions,” Michael raised his head, giving a goofy grin. Jeremy appreciated the effort to help keep the mood light. “Really though, shoot.”

“My dad.. said I should maybe go to the funeral. Say goodbye, get closure, etcetera. But.. he doesn’t really want to go because it’s.. complicated, you know.” 

Michael was silent, waiting.

“I don’t know.. if I can. You know how I am with flying and.. I can’t drive. Besides, the thought of going alone makes me..” ‘want to die.’ It was a bit too harsh and maybe tasteless so he took a breath to steady himself. “It makes me feel sick. I don’t know if she.. remarried or something and.. If my aunt is there I don’t know.. it’s just weird. I think, uh, I think I want to go though.”

“I’d go with you.” Michael said it like it was the easiest thing in the world.

“I-I.. It’s like a 27 hour drive, that’s crazy. Besides I know you, like, hate her.. because, yeah.” Because her leaving led to Jeremy’s first attempt on his life. First. It made him nauseous to think about the fact that there was more than one. And it made Michael angry. “I couldn’t ask you to do that. And.. and we’d have to leave, like, wednesday.”

“I’m offering.” Michael fixed him with a look, something serious yet.. soft. “If you think it will help you I’ll take you. I have a car. I have time.”

“O-Okay.”

“Let me handle it. I’ll get us some snacks. I’ve got money saved up. My moms give me gas money.” Michael sat up straighter, smoothing hands over his pants. “Is this what you want?”

“Yes.”

Before that moment he wasn’t sure but.. with Michael there everything would be okay. He could do it. Maybe it would help, maybe he’d get some closure and finally be able to move on. Maybe something would make sense after.

And maybe it wouldn’t.

They were just going to have to find out - together.

Chapter Text

They ended up leaving on Tuesday instead of Wednesday. Jeremy’s dad had thanked Michael profusely, enough so that he had to shuffle his feet and leave the room, was it really that big of a deal? He was just going to see his mom. His dead mom.

The same mom who left him with absolutely nothing. The same mom who left him feeling like somehow he had failed from the age of nine onward, reaching a peak in middle school. He was 13 and he already felt like he had no reason to keep existing. Now he was 18 and he had his dad and Michael and his friends. None of that could replace the mother he wished he had, though. There was an anger bubbling in his chest and he headed out the front door after giving his dad a quick hug. In record time he was all but throwing himself into Michael’s passenger seat, tossing his bag in the back. His breaths were shallow and it felt like his skin was burning.

“Jer?” Michael’s eyebrows scrunched in concern as he settled into the driver’s seat, starting the car. “We don’t have to do this.”

The breath he was holding rushed out, shuddering. He raised his head but he kept his gaze forward, not looking at Michael. “I know.”

“Do you want to or do you think you should want to?” Michael knew him all too well and maybe it should have scared him. He just found it intensely comforting, if he didn’t know himself he was glad someone did. 

“I want to. Or I want to want to. I want to try.”

“Okay.” Michael made everything sound so easy. “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

“Sh-Shit. Sorry. It’s some little town in Texas? Just get on I-95 over by Home Depot and we’ll go from there?” It wasn’t a question but he was never one for giving instructions, he always left room for doubt.

“Alright.” Michael flashed him a smile. He could do this.

A few minutes passed in silence with Jeremy zooming in and out on his map, looking for something. Anything. Lifting his head he broke the silence, talking quickly, “I know we have a destination and I know.. you’re already doing a lot for me but.. I thought we could, like, swing through Philly and maybe get lunch and do something since we have like.. five days to do this.”

“‘f course, Jer. Let’s get some authentic cheesesteaks, yeah?” Michael glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, looking almost relieved. “I know.. this is a lot. If I can make it easier I will.”

“What if,” Jeremy was blurting it out again, setting his phone in one of the center cup holders. “What if we like.. make it a real road trip? Like, pick some stops and.. like do a ton of fun shit. We’re gonna pass so much stuff.. I.. I mean, I don’t know. It’ll make you drive more and I..”

“Jeremy.” Michael would be damned if he let Jeremy fall back into the same trap of doubt and fear. “Like I said, if I can make it easier I will. This can be our senior trip. We can pick some places to go, like.. Nashville? That’s kinda on the way. We can figure it out when we get down to Philly. I want.. I want this to be positive for you.”

Michael had been dipping into his serious voice a lot lately and it sent a chill down Jeremy’s back. While it was nice to have all of Michael’s attention he didn’t like worrying him, so he slapped on a shaky grin and nodded, turning up the radio. It was easy enough to lean back and let his mind wander. They stayed on I-95. Traffic wasn’t too bad but Michael did a fair share of switching lanes because -

“I can only go so fast dude, you see my car. Please just pass me. Please.” Jeremy smiled to himself, it was endearing. Michael didn’t get road rage, what he got instead was road exasperation. When Jeremy presented his findings Michael laughed for nearly three minutes. Jeremy swore it wasn’t that funny, rubbing at the back of his neck.

They returned to silence after that, taking in the first leg of their journey. They both knew the other was thinking about something but neither addressed it, they were going to be stuck in a car for the next few days. It wasn’t the time to start prying. So Jeremy watched them move along on his maps app, sitting up straighter as they started approaching. He ended the route because he knew that sometimes the voice annoyed Michael and he’d rather just read. There were plenty of signs around them now directing them to their exit. Instead he started to search for a place to grab a late lunch.

“Okay,” Jeremy spoke as he shifted again, “take exit 27. I found us a place for lunch.”

“If it’s not good then just know I will only blast The Beatles for the rest of this trip.”

“You don’t like The Beatles!”

“Neither do you!” Michael was grinning wildly as he moved into the right lane and slowed for the exit.

“They’re overrated! Like - sometimes I can jam like.. I Want to Hold Your Hand. As someone who’s experienced yearning I’ll give them that one.” Jeremy didn’t notice how Michael’s gaze flickered away, fingers tightening on the wheel.

“Where am I going?” For a second he sounded choked up but he cleared his throat, sitting up a bit straighter.

“A right on Bridge St after you merge up here.” 

Was it something he said?

The next five minutes passed slowly, the only words exchanged were Jeremy’s quiet instructions as he directed Michael through turns.

“Okay, it’s on the left side but grab that spot right here.” Jeremy watched Michael scrunch up his face before slowing down. He hated parallel parking but they didn’t have much of a choice. He dug around the center console for a second while Michael shut the car off, taking the coins he found to the parking meter. Looking up he called across the car to where Michael was getting out of the driver’s side. “It’s across the street!” 

“Two cheesesteaks.” Michael squinted at the menu, casting a brief glance at Jeremy before he continued, “one large fry.. and, ooh. One chocolate Coke and a cookies and cream milkshake.”

The smile that Jeremy flashed him was worth any bill. With that the waiter took their menus and headed off. 

“Chocolate Coke?” Jeremy was already talking before Michael could think so he listened, leaning his chin on his hand.

“Dunno, thought we could try it. We are sharing that shake, bold of you to assume I wouldn’t have any.”

“You’re already having so much cheese!”

“Listen, I know how to pace myself. Besides, I honestly think I grew out of it. Totally weird but like, it happens. I think?”

Jeremy was already tapping away on his phone.

“Children don't usually outgrow congenital lactose intolerance,” there was a pause where Jeremy stuck his tongue out at him, before turning back to his search, “symptoms may become milder as children get older and can eat a wider variety of foods, but this is not the same as outgrowing the condition.”

“Fine, my symptoms got milder. Better?” He arched an eyebrow. Maybe if he talked enough he could drown out the noises in his head. It was like The Beatles had been on repeat ever since he’d mentioned them, snippets of melodies stuck on repeat.

‘I wanna hold your hand.’ Jeremy’s hands fidgeted with his phone before setting it on the table. ‘Oh please say to me, you’ll let me be your man.’ He looked away as their drinks were set down and Jeremy broke into giggles as Michael shot his straw wrapper at him before trying his Coke. ‘When I touch you I feel happy inside.’ Their fingers brushed as Jeremy pulled the soda away so he could taste it, Michael grabbed the milkshake in return. ‘I wanna hold your hand.’

“Hm, I don’t know.” Jeremy smacked his lips a bit before taking another sip. “I guess it’s fine? Kinda weird.”

Michael just found himself nodding along, picking up a glob of whipped cream on his finger and popping it into his mouth. Their food came just in time for him to focus his attention on anything but Jeremy. All his staring was bound to get suspicious. In the blink of an eye Jeremy snatched back the milkshake, immediately grabbing a fry to dip in it. Some things never changed. But something flashed over Jeremy’s face as he saw the size of the sandwich and after a moment he slid the shake back towards Michael, fingers twitching nervously. Some things did change.

Trying not to dwell on it Michael just started stuffing his face. It was helped by the fact that the food was good. He could imagine it, Jeremy frantically searching ‘cheesesteak’ and sorting by star rating. Before he could stop himself he was smiling and he just hid behind the milkshake glass, reaching over the table to scoop up some fries.

The distractions were welcomed, they helped quiet the building dread in his chest.

“It’s like.. only 2:30. Can we go sit somewhere and pick where we wanna go?” Jeremy was buckling up now, pleasantly full of horribly calorie heavy food, trying to ignore how guilt tried to crawl out of his chest. “Just.. here, turn around and we can get like into Philly proper.”

Michael tried not to laugh at that, Philly proper, taking in Jeremy’s directions. In less than twenty minutes they were pulled into a parking garage. After they were parked Jeremy hopped out of the passenger seat and was all but dragging Michael towards a crowded plaza. Trying to keep his cool, Jeremy plopped them both on a bench, pointedly ignoring the big sculpture in the center of the plaza area - so what if he brought Michael to Love Park. It was a big thing in Philly, sue him!

“Okay, show me the path it’s gonna take us.” Jeremy offered his phone up easily, punching in the small town in Texas they were headed to. Michael took his phone, zooming around and tapping on things, adding additional stops at what seemed at random. “Stop one, national forest I picked because it looks cool and it’s summer. After six more hours on the road I’ll want some nature despite my basement dwelling habits.”

Jeremy laughed, eyes scrunching up. He couldn’t argue with that. Besides, it was easier with someone else deciding things. He’d rather think about everything as little as he could.

“Stop two.. uhh. I’m thinking maybe like six-ish hour days. Looks like we could stop down in North Carolina. I say Charlotte because it’s the biggest city name on the map for the state.” He pulled his own phone out, tapping things into his notes. “I don’t know if there’s anything fun there but we can bounce between some cities. Like.. we could go to Nashville the day after. Isn’t that supposed to be cool? Didn’t the marching band take a trip there last year?”

“Yeah.” Jeremy shifted where he sat on the bench, leaning until their shoulders bumped. Usually he had no problem letting his head lean on Michael, relaxing into him but.. it felt weird out in a place they hadn’t really been before. “We could start with that and see where we go from there. What time is it?”

“Like three?” Michael leaned back as he passed Jeremy’s phone back to him. “It’s like.. almost six and a half hours to the national park thing, it’s in West Virginia. Kinda.. threw a metaphorical dart at the map for that one but we can grab a motel and look it up later tonight. I’m kinda feeling some greenery, though.”

“When do you wanna leave then?” Jeremy sat up a bit, tucking his phone into his pocket.  They didn’t look at each other, both idly people watching.

“We can hang out here for a bit. Want a love picture?”

In the interest of hiding the light blush that fell over his cheeks Jeremy jumped up, putting some space between them, bouncing on his feet a bit. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t matter either way! Why would he want it to? It was just a sculpture a ton of people took pictures at. The fact it spelt ‘love’ didn’t mean anything. He worried his bottom lip for a moment before he was able to force words out, “yeah, who knows when we’ll get to come back out here.”

Something crossed Michael’s face that he couldn’t read.

“Music?” Michael started up the car, getting them out of the parking garage before offering up a cord. Jeremy took it without a second thought, plugging his phone in, he needed it to charge anyways. He put in their destination, they’d hone in on a motel when they got closer. For now it was only 4pm and they had a few hours to go. It was something for future Jeremy to stress about.

Instead he scrolled through spotify, landing on a playlist he and Michael haphazardly threw together while they paced around the park. They only managed to scrape up an hour of music but it wasn’t unlike them to keep skipping back to one song or repeating a playlist. Well, Michael was the one who could listen to a song for a week straight but Jeremy couldn’t argue with him, besides Michael was usually good at finding good music.

“We’re gonna get back on I-95,” Jeremy looked up from his phone to see Michael nodding in acknowledgement, focusing on the road. There were a lot of cars around and while he trusted Michael’s driving he knew that new things were hard. So he pressed play on some ABBA to give Michael something familiar to focus on.

With that, they were off. It was fairly quiet on the interstate, all things considered. Small towns zoomed past them. The first interesting thing was when they passed into Delaware, if you could call a “Welcome to Delaware” sign interesting. Thirty minutes behind them they pressed on into the next six hours.

Another twenty minutes took them into Maryland. Jeremy didn’t notice the sign this time because he and Michael were in a competition to see who could yell Elton John’s lyrics louder. About an hour down, only five and a half to go. With Michael tossing sideways glances at him, voice nearly cracking as he shouted.. with all of that he could do it. He felt like he could do anything like that.

By 5:30 they were passing over a bridge, Jeremy knew before he even turned to look out the window because he could see how Michael’s shoulders tensed up. While he was good at keeping his anxiety hidden Jeremy had gotten good at picking up on it. So he unlocked his phone and opened spotify, jumping from whatever shuffle had landed them on to Mr. Brightside. He practically bounced in his seat, shouting as the lyrics started. After a beat Michael joined him.

Mambo No. 5 blasted for the fifth time as they passed through Baltimore. Neither of them were particularly hungry and stopping for no reason would keep them on the road until past midnight. Instead Michael promised they could check it out another time over Lou Bega blasting through his speakers. Jeremy was alright with that, he was alright with a lot of things. As if it wasn’t obvious as the song started for a sixth time. If it made Michael happy he was happy. And if how he was bouncing around and tapping the steering wheel was anything to go off of.. 

Baltimore faded behind them.

‘A little bit of..’

Jeremy lasted a solid thirty minutes before switching songs. A new personal best.

“Are you hungry?” Michael half shouted over Ricky Martin and Jeremy who was trying to match the notes. What? He was Livin’ La Vida Loca.

“Huh?” Jeremy turned his head to Michael, nearly breathless from belting out the words, cheeks tinged with warmth. “Oh! Uh.. not really? I was gonna let it take us around D.C. I figured we could stop somewhere after?”

It was just before seven and Jeremy figured whatever little town was on the other side of D.C. would have some sort of fast food. They had eaten a later lunch so he wasn’t even that hungry.

“Alright, good. I didn’t want to try and drive around in D.C. Besides, it’ll probably be like.. dark dark when we’re done eating and I’d rather not be somewhere crazy.”

After another twenty minutes Jeremy turned down the music and sat up in his seat to keep a lookout. He peered out the windshield, leaning forward as he tried to catch a glimpse of passing signs as they passed through a few towns. There was something - a mall? - that looked like it had a good collection of storefronts. Deciding that was good enough (it was seven now) he directed Michael on where to exit to get into the parking lot. A quick search gave him a directory of the place and he scrolled through, reading each food place out for Michael’s consideration.

“Potbellys?”

“Oh hell yeah. I know we just had sandwiches but.. Fuck, I’m craving like.. tuna salad now for some reason.”

Ordering took a good fifteen minutes and Michael was glad that last second he’d decided to make it to go because it was closing in on 7:30 and they still had four hours to go. Jeremy didn’t argue, he wasn’t driving, after all. Instead he just helped direct Michael onto I-66 W. Once they were on cruise control Jeremy reached into the bag to hand him his sandwich. Normally he’d argue for both hands on the wheel but Michael was already doing him a lot of favors. They ate in near silence, music shuffling along quietly as they drove. Jeremy picked at a salad long after Michael had finished eating. Neither mentioned it.

It was well past dark when they crossed into West Virginia, Jeremy’s salad had since been abandoned in the paper bag their food had come in. To celebrate Jeremy roused himself from the drowsiness he’d drifted into, tapping on his phone until he got Country Roads playing. As they passed under streetlights Jeremy caught a glimpse of Michael’s smile. That was all he needed, cracking his window a bit and turning up the volume. Before long Michael cracked his own window, only partially to keep his ears from popping. 

The air was warm but it felt good, pulling at Jeremy’s hair until his bangs were a mess. He tried to keep it brushed to the side but the wind just kept pulling it back.

“Country roads!” Michael all but yelled, taking his eyes off the road for a minute to flash a look to Jeremy. It was.. free. It was a lot more relaxed than Michael had seemed the whole day and it made Jeremy’s heart swell.

“Take me home!” He all but yelled back, smiling.

But he couldn’t help but feel like he was home, with Michael next to him.

Over the next two and a half hours their energy slowly faded. The air turned colder until it was too cold and Michael rolled the windows up. The chill had already reached them, though and Jeremy reached around in the backseat until he could grab his cardigan out of his backpack, using it as a blanket.

Before he could let his eyes droop shut Michael tapped on his thigh, passing his phone over. “Hey, you can use mine to look up a motel and call them. You can put it on speaker and I’ll talk.”

“Hm?” Jeremy hummed sleepily, sitting up a bit straighter. He took Michael’s phone, unlocking it with deft fingers - Michael had been using the same password the whole time he’d had a phone with a password.

“Oh! I know what to make my password.” The boys had both gotten their first smartphones at the same time, a carefully constructed plan by their parents. They were going into high school and they were going to start driving, it made sense.

“What?” Jeremy raised his head up from where he was laying haphazardly on Michael’s bed, watching his friend pace.

“Zero.. eight.. two.. one.” August 21st. Jeremy’s face lit up in a blush.

The day they met.

“Uh.. okay. This one is like.. more north but it’s got four out of five stars and I’m tired. Just some motel.” He groaned, shifting around in his seat a bit more, hitting the call button on Michael’s phone and stopping the music playing on his own, he also put the address on their maps route. Estimated time of arrival, 12:01 am.

“Hello?” A voice crackled over Michael’s speaker phone and he perked up, putting on the most chipper voice he could.

“Hi! I was wondering if you had any rooms available to be booked, my friend and I are on a road trip right now passing by.”

Road trip sounded a lot better than ‘far too long of a drive to go to a funeral for someone who never gave a shit’. It was also nicer.

Jeremy zoned out, watching everything fly past them as Michael kept on track to the motel, lucky for them they had an open room. He vaguely processed Michael assuring the lady that one bed was fine. They were used to sharing a bed. Maybe it happened a lot less than it used to but.. there were still times that one would pass out at the other’s house after a game marathon.

So why was he thinking about it so much?

“I’m getting us there by eight so I suggest getting right to bed.” Michael tossed his bag onto the bed, rifling around for some pajama pants.

“Eight?!” Jeremy all but squawked, pulling off shoes and shorts, flopping onto the bed in his boxers. And socks. Michael just couldn’t get over the fact he slept in socks.

“Then we can be on the road at like.. ten? I wanna have time for something fun before we go. It’s gonna take six hours to get to North Carolina, dude.” After digging out some loose sweatpants Michael kicked off his jeans, pulling them on and pulling his hoodie off. Summer was warming up but he was going to hold onto jeans and hoodies as long as he could. “I’ll let you sleep on the drive. Just go to bed. This place is supposed to be cool.”

Tossing his bag onto the ground he climbed onto the bed next to Jeremy. It wasn’t too small but it was small and their shoulders brushed as Michael laid down. Jeremy scrunched up his face and looked like he was going to argue before he just breathed out a sigh, shutting his eyes. Michael took that as a cue to turn off the bedside lamp, setting his glasses on the nightstand.

“Listen, it’ll be fine. We’ll get into Charlotte fairly early, spend the day there, and get decent sleep. I promise Jer, I’m gonna make this trip fun.”

“I believe you.” It was soft, sincere, and.. sleepy. Michael just smiled, closing his eyes. He tried to match his breathing to Jeremy’s dozing off in the middle of doing so. Even though the body heat between them was mildly uncomfortable Michael didn’t want to be anywhere else.

Chapter Text

They went on a hike.

Despite everything.. it was good. Michael made good on his promise, rousing Jeremy awake around 7:30 the next morning and ushering him to the bathroom with his toothbrush. When he’d managed to get ready as much as he could in five minutes he stumbled back out of the bathroom. He was marginally aware of Michael taking his toothbrush away and giving him a pair of shorts and a new shirt. Their bags were already back in Michael’s car by the time he was shoving his shoes on and practically stumbling his way to the cruiser’s passenger seat.

As soon as he was buckled he passed out for the ride down to the forest. Michael listened to something quietly and Jeremy couldn’t pick it up through his dreams. Though, as he dozed off he couldn’t tell if the lyrics were in english. The thought almost kept him awake because it seemed like Michael never shared his other taste in music with him -

Sleep was easier.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” 

Jeremy let out a yelp as he jerked awake, wincing at the ache in his neck from sleeping in the car. He had to admit he felt a bit better though, an extra forty minutes of sleep was just what he needed. It was probably what Michael needed, too. He looked.. tired. More than tired. Jeremy knew that look and Michael knew the look that he was giving him now, the look that whispered ‘I’m onto you’. So he shut the car off and hopped out of the driver’s seat, pulling his hood up.

“How can you wear that in this heat?” Jeremy rubbed at his eyes as he stepped out of the car. Gravel crunched under his sneakers.

“First of all,” Michael turned to face him, speaking a bit easier. He managed to compose himself a bit more. “It’s only, like, what? Sixty degrees?”

“Yeah! Warm!” 

“We,” Michael gestured between them, putting on a mock serious face, “are very different people.”

Jeremy let out a short laugh, covering his mouth when it came out in the form of a snort. Used to it, Michael didn’t even bat an eye.

“Secondly,” he continued, starting to walk towards the trail. “You know my power levels, you’ve seen me wear this hoodie in like.. eighty degrees.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t overheat, please?” Picking up his pace Jeremy managed to get himself next to Michael. “If you pass out I can’t carry you. Besides, if you pass out.. you can’t carry me when I inevitably collapse from what you so lovingly refer to as ‘weak ass bean boy syndrome’.”

“I did say that.” Michael titled his chin up, raising his hand to his face, putting on his best thoughtful expression. “I should go to med school, do some research.”

“With what, your last two braincells?” There was no malice behind his teasing and he had one brow quirked, mouth set in a crooked grin.

“Coming from Mr. One Brain Cell!” Michael fixed him with a pout, huffing out a breath. Jeremy saw how his eyes lit up, though. “And that one brain cell is furiously working in a little workshop to redesign your fursona because, and I quote, ‘ everyone has wolf fursonas’ and you’re backpedaling to find something more you.”

“Holy shit,” the words were broken up with breathy laughs. “You’re fucking vicious today.”

“I’m rude now!” The toothy grin on his face as he announced it seemed to say otherwise.

Something settled over them as they started on the path, Jeremy would loosely refer to it as silence. It wasn’t quite silence because there were birds singing and a breeze was rustling branches, not to mention the gentle stream he heard off to their right. For a moment he could just forget about everything. Nothing mattered but the sun on his face and Michael holding branches out of his way.

Michael.

Despite the tiredness in his eyes he looked beautiful, illuminated with dappled sunlight, he looked as warm as the air felt. It was normal to call your best friend beautiful, right? Jeremy decided it was, he thought Christine was beautiful and it had been over a year since he very quickly realized they wouldn’t work. He thought Jenna was beautiful and he had never seen her as more than a friend (besides, she was a lesbian). So it wasn’t weird for him to think about how attractive Michael was.

Even though it felt different than it used to.

“Hyah!” Michael whipped around after jogging ahead around a bend. He held a big stick up in front of Jeremy, nearly hitting him in the face. If anyone asked he had not given off a very undignified shriek.

“Jeez! You coulda stabbed me!” He stuck out a hand to grab one end of the stick and before he understood what was happening Michael gave it a yank. The sudden movement threw him off as he was still gripping onto the stick, leaving him stumbling.

“Coulda, shoulda, woulda!” Michael dropped the stick before jogging a good ten feet away, giving up on his escape because he was not in the mood for more physical activity.

“Rude!” Jeremy steadied himself and tossed the stick towards him like a spear. It missed by a mile, diving off into the brush.

“We’re almost back,” Michael paused, waiting for Jeremy to catch up. “That did not feel like an hour and a half.”

Jeremy nodded an agreement, falling back into step with Michael. The narrow path left them bumping shoulders which Michael turned into a game, falling into a rhythm to knock elbows with him. It was familiar. Jeremy smiled.

The parking lot came into view all too quickly.

Though, his legs were tired and he was ready for another nap. He winced a bit as he got in the car, how could Michael even be functioning? The guy didn’t sleep much but that plus a hike and then, like, six hours ahead of them for their drive? At least they’d make a stop for lunch, maybe he’d get Michael to pick up some coffee.

dad (11:32 am): First day behind you! How’s it going?
jeremy (11:45 am): it’s great we went on a mini hike to take a break before getting on the road again were taking some stops and we’ll get there on sunday
dad (11:56 am): Glad it’s good, then! Love you. Proud of you kiddo!

Proud? What was he proud of? Jeremy scrunched up his nose, leaning his head on the window, trying to focus on Michael’s humming next to him. It wasn’t like he was being brave, if anything the trip could end in disaster. If anyone should be proud of anyone.. Everyone should be proud of Michael. Or, well, thankful? Something. Michael was the one doing the most.

“Lunch?”

“Lunch and coffee?” Jeremy raised his head, giving Michael a pointed look. He’d waved off Jeremy’s concern, saying they could grab coffee when they finally took a break for food. It was edging on one now and he wasn’t good at hiding how drained he looked.

“Lunch and coffee.” Michael corroborated, offering up a small smile.

For now that’d have to be enough. In the interest of staying on track they pulled through a Starbucks drive-thru after getting off on the closest exit. One (mostly) black coffee and frappuccino richer they headed for a Panera drive-thru.

“I guess my new diet is just sandwiches.” Michael gave Jeremy a lopsided grin, pausing in the parking lot to unwrap his sandwich - if he was going to eat and drive he could at least make it as easy as possible, setting the opened wrapper on his lap. Jeremy was poking at some mac and cheese.

“There’s too many sandwich chains.” Jeremy paused, scooping some whipped cream off his coffee. Well, half coffee half sugar concoction.

“Why did I let you get a medium, holy shit.” When Michael glanced over half of Jeremy’s drink was already gone.

“What! I’m fine,” Jeremy waved his hand, turning his head to watch everything fly by them as they got back on the road. “Besides, it’s a grande.”

“You’re the worst on caffeine, like.. more of a nervous wreck.” Michael set his cruise control before he let himself start eating his sandwich, keeping one hand on the wheel. “I can’t believe people think I’m bad on caffeine.”

“Because you’re like.. wacko and loud. So it’s obvious.”

“I’m always loud!”

“They haven’t known you as long as I have.”

“Did you know,” Michael set his sandwich down to take a sip off his coffee, “that coffee is the second most traded commodity? It’s only behind crude oil.”

“Gonna start drinking crude oil?” Jeremy started picking at his food again, rewarded with a bark of a laugh from Michael.

“How’d you know?”

They fell quiet as Michael went back to eating his sandwich. It was comfortable, with Michael’s ‘80s bangers’ playlist droning on quietly in the background. In this moment Jeremy felt like the summer could stay forever. He finished his food so he could just lean against the window and take everything in. A sudden noise made him jump and he looked to see Michael’s phone ringing, he leaned over to read the screen, “it’s your mom.”

“Fuck,” Michael breathed out, setting his coffee down in the cup holder. “Don’t answer it, tell her we’re driving and I’ll call her in.. what? Like two hours. We can make a pitstop then.”

“I.. alright.” It didn’t seem like Michael but he picked up the phone, declining the call before opening it to send a text, ‘hi mrs mell it’s jeremy michael’s driving right now he said he can call you back in like two hours!’ it seemed good enough. He hit send and set his phone back down, letting the playlist resume. If the tenseness in Michael’s shoulders was anything to go off of then.. it wasn’t the time to pry. Sometimes Michael needed space. Jeremy could respect that.

“I’m gonna run to the bathroom.” Jeremy unbuckled and gathered up all of their trash, coffee cups and bags with food containers. He hesitated as he watched Michael grab his phone, half out of the door. “Do you want me to grab you something out of the vending machine?”

Without waiting for an answer he grabbed some of the spare change from the center console. After a beat of hesitation he reached out to give Michael a light tap on his arm, giving him his best ‘it’ll be okay’ face. It must have come out closer to a grimace but Michael seemed to get it, giving him a tight-lipped smile before turning his attention to his phone.

Taking that as his cue he backed away from the car, shutting the door behind him. He pocketed the change, fighting the urge to glance back, no matter how much he wanted to know he knew Michael needed space. When he was ready he’d tell him. He just had to trust that.

Keeping his head down he went to the bathroom as quickly as he could, dropping the garbage in a trash can on the way, trying hard to not feel like an intruder in the men’s room. He was just glad it was empty, quickly washing his hands. Someone walked in as he was finishing and in a rush of panic he just wiped his hands on his shorts, darting out the door. Who needed paper towels? Air drying was better for the environment.

Trying to calm his breathing he stood in front of the vending machine, shifting his weight between his feet. It took a good two minutes before he was able to refocus his eyes and slow his breathing. Snacks. Right. He looked between chips and cookies, shoving a hand in his pocket to pull out the few loose bills and coins he’d brought with. Lay’s would do. Potato chips were a safe bet - sour cream and cheddar of course. Michael’s favorite. As if there was any other option.

Michael.

He shook his head a bit and put in the money, punching in the right number. Reaching in he grabbed the chips before turning to the machine next to him. Water. Water was nice. With another two dollar bills he was rewarded with a bottle of water, ready to head back to Michael. Well, as ready as he could be. Something was happening and he was out of the loop. Though, he supposed he didn’t have much right to complain. He’d left Michael out of plenty. He could wait until he was ready to talk. Boundaries. For a second he paused outside the car, making sure Michael wasn’t on the phone before opening the door and getting back in his seat.

“Did you need to run to the bathroom?”

Michael shook his head.

“I got us chips. And water. If you want any they’re here.” Jeremy buckled up, setting the water in the cup holder and balancing the chips on the console next to it. “Or we can save it for late night hotel snacking.”

Michael nodded, his gaze looked far off.

“Okay to drive?”

Michael hesitated this time, rubbing at his eyes under his glasses before nodding, starting up the car.

“Non-verbal?” It took a while to get used to. Sometimes Michael just.. couldn’t talk. He couldn’t pretend to understand, he usually did the opposite, babbling when everything was overwhelming.

Michael nodded, putting his car in reverse to pull out of the parking space.

“Want me to talk?” He just had to adapt, yes or no questions. You do what you can for your friends.

Michael nodded.

“I was talking to Christine the other day,” Michael tensed up and even if Jeremy didn’t really understand what was going on he scrambled to finish the thought, “she thinks she likes girls. We were talking about bi stuff. I don’t know if there’s anything there but she’s been talking to Jenna lately, they actually have a good amount in common? I guess.. a lot of us probably have stuff in common with Jenna, when we actually talk to her. I dunno!” 

There it was, the babbling. Case in point. Michael nodded though, pulling back onto the road.

“It’s exciting! I’m glad, like, to think someone is maybe into the real Christine. I boiled her down to like.. two aspects and she’s way more.” For some reason Jeremy’s chest tightened and he felt the need to keep clarifying. “I almost feel bad? Not being into her anymore. I guess I just.. ugh. Not the time. Tell me if you want to hear about that later. She’s great, just not great for me. And I’m not great for her. Ugh.”

Burying his face in his hands he groaned, peeking up to glance at Michael. He still looked distant but.. his lips twitched a bit, dangerously close to a smile.

It’d be okay.

“Michael, holy shit,” Jeremy glanced up from his phone, eyes lighting up. “I found like.. the best place for dinner. I know I picked earlier but.. trust me?”

“Always.” 

It was jarring, not only was it the first thing Michael had said in the last hour.. he just couldn’t really believe it. Always. His chest hurt, the hollow guilt still buried there reared its head. There was also a warmth, though. He couldn’t change anything but if Michael was going to trust him then he needed to just keep doing his best.

Trying not to overthink he just directed Michael through streets, at least he didn’t have to parallel park this time.

“Cold Stone?” Michael tipped his head, looking up as they got out of the car. There was something in his eyes that glinted, Jeremy knew he was fucking with him.

“No! Asshole!” Jeremy’s face split into a grin as he jogged past him, heading to the place next door instead. 

“Bachi..sushi..hibachi..small plates.” Michael’s eyes lit up at sushi and Jeremy held the door open, he still had a trick up his sleeve. Well, he didn’t make the menu or anything but he was proud of his find.

“Jeremy, oh my god.” Michael looked up from his menu, looking a lot better than he had even twenty minutes ago. “This is.. holy shit. Lumpia.. embutido. Dude! And sushi, how the fuck am I going to choose!”

“You’ve been doing so much for me and I know it’s always hard to find food places with like.. Yeah. Your mom probably makes your favorite version of everything but..” Jeremy’s face felt warm and he rubbed at the back of his neck. There were a lot of unspoken things. There was so much pork and shellfish and while Jeremy wasn’t too strict with himself in too many aspects he did his best. He was willing to go to a place that made sticking to his dietary restrictions hard and while it was just a restaurant he looked up but.. they both knew it meant more.

“Wait wait.. holy shit. Jeremy I’m fucking ascending. I’m literally going to fucking lose it. They have halo halo and, and turon and, oh my god, an ube shake. I’m going to spend so fucking much. I haven’t had any of this since like two summers ago when we went to visit family. It’s all a hassle to make and my moms try to be healthy. I have to get all three.” It was easy to forget how off Michael had been, he was back, talking a mile a minute. Jeremy smiled.

“I’ll pay.”

Michael looked like he was going to cry.

They ended up leaving with some boxed lumpias and half a plate of embutido and Jeremy carrying the ube coconut shake that was only half finished. It wasn’t even six yet but time was fake, it was summer. They could shove it in a hotel fridge and Michael would eat it later when he inevitably got hungry. Hotel, right. Next stop.

This time they went more mainstream, just finding a Best Western to store their food and bags while they went out on the town. At least for a bit. Michael’s lack of sleep seemed to be catching up with him. Jeremy made a mental note to ask Michael to drive back down sometime, there was a really cool museum that he’d probably enjoy but it closed at 4pm. They only had one night for now so he tucked it in the back of his head. And a botanical garden. Fuck. Why did all the cool stuff close before 6pm?

“Wait, oh my god. I found something.” Michael held up his phone to show Jeremy - Frankie’s. Some sort of amusement park. Michael pulled his phone back, already punching in the address. Jeremy busied himself with pulling the site up on his phone, there was no use arguing (not that he wanted to, it looked fun) because Michael made up his mind and Jeremy was just glad he was excited.

“Bumper cars.. oh, laser tag! Bowling, mini golf! Yes! There’s also an arcade.” Jeremy bounced in his seat, free hand rubbing back and forth over his leg. “I guess it was your turn to make a really cool find.”

“You’re welcome.”

Chapter Text

It wasn’t even 7pm but Michael looked like shit. He pretended to be chipper but Jeremy was experienced in seeing through that and while most things seemed to be back to normal.. he couldn’t tell anymore when grilling him for answers would be too much. The last thing he wanted was to piss Michael off but, if he didn’t ask then was he also being a shitty friend?

“Where to first?” Michael bumped his shoulder as they passed through the entrance. It wasn’t too busy, it was still early in the summer and some schools were still in session so that meant wednesday night wasn’t really the prime time for visitors. It was perfect for them. Even though it was still noisy they’d both learned how to more easily manage that, the crowds were usually the worst part of places like this and.. lucky for them there were only small groups wandering between attractions. “Earth to Jerm?”

“Sorry,” Jeremy jumped a bit, looking up at Michael. Well, looking at Michael. They were, like, the same height. He just slouched. He blinked a few times and tapped at his head, “I’m with you. Just.. loud, you know.”

It was something Michael had started doing with Rich to pull him out of his thoughts, getting him to acknowledge that he was present, ‘with you’. Jeremy had always been a bit.. spacey so Michael didn’t think much of it at first. It was only after one too many lost levels in AotD when Michael realized Jeremy wasn't looking at anything, eyes brimming with tears, fingers twitching. He started to check in more. It was appreciated, even in the non squip-related incidents. 

“What were you thinking first?”

“Arcade last.. so, uh? Laser tag?”

“You’re so on.”

Jeremy was blue, Michael was red. 

Duh.

“You’re lucky no one else is here. They won’t have to witness your demise.” There was some low beeping as the game readied to start. They looked at each other across the starting room, positioned at two different entryways.

“You mean your demise! I’m at peak performance, I can still feel the coffee!”

Michael looked him over, squinting a bit in the low light, as if trying to see if he could still feel the coffee. It was futile either way, Jeremy was practically always shaking. 

There was a beep and Michael all but ran into the room, leaving the employee looking exasperated. She just crossed her arms and Jeremy spared a glance back before heading in. Liabilities be damned, she looked like she wasn’t getting paid enough to stop two 18 year old boys from running around in a laser tag arena. Lucky for them.

A slow fog spread over the ground, around Jeremy’s feet and he almost shuddered. It was pretty dark and nearly silent, everything a quiet hum. That was the only bad part about being the only two, it felt too still. He peeked around a pillar, leaning lower to the ground. The vest felt heavy on his shoulders.

Taking a few creeping steps forward he ducked around another pillar, glancing backwards as he did. When he saw nothing he let his shoulders relax, slowly inching along the wall before finally turning. He was face to face with Michael, letting out a startled yelp. He saw Michael’s teeth practically glow in the light and he felt his vest shake as Michael tagged him.

“Got ya!” With that he whipped around and skidded, dropping into a fucking shoulder roll as he disappeared. How. The fuck. The vests were heavy and bulky, did that not hurt?

The heat on his cheeks was just from being startled.

“Rude!” He called out into the shadows, darting the opposite way and hiding behind another pillar. He narrowed his eyes, trying to think of Michael’s strategy, they’d played so many video games set up like this. Why couldn’t he remember Michael’s play style? Why couldn’t he remember things?

He knew the answer, but he didn’t like it. Since the squip he had to drag memories back kicking and screaming from where the squip had buried them, putting as much distance between them as it could. He tried to remember the last time they played laser tag. High ground. Michael liked high ground. Glancing up he saw a flash of red dart behind a wall. Bingo.

Keeping low to the ground he ran across the open middle area, trying to get a better view on Michael. He ducked, waiting for him to turn before standing up and firing wildly. Accuracy didn’t matter, he just needed one shot to hit him.

“Fuck!” Michael jumped and spun around, eyes locking on Jeremy. He couldn’t read his expression from that far away but he heard a sharp laugh and Michael’s singsong voice, “I’m gonna get you, Heere!”

Michael won.

Duh.

“Rematch? Mini golf?” Jeremy was almost panting, running a hand through his hair as they headed back out into the center plaza.

“Last time we played you hit like.. four balls into the water. We had to leave.”

“I think you’re forgetting the part where your whole club went into the bushes outside the fence!”

“Listen, listen. We always forget to keep score anyways.”

“Friendly game of mini golf then?”

“‘f course.”

Michael’s smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes. Tired eyes. They seemed to dart around before he bumped Jeremy’s ankle with his foot, turning sharply towards the mini golf area. Jeremy just followed, fingers fidgeting with the sleeves of his cardigan. It was warm out, warm enough to not wear it, but it’d been a long day. He needed something familiar and comforting. Especially with Michael being.. off.

They weren’t counting but.. Jeremy won. Well, at least he thought he did. Michael was stuck on the fifth hole for like five minutes longer than him, racking up an unprecedented amount of strokes. Any other time Jeremy would have celebrated, tugging on Michael’s sleeves as he jumped around him. It didn’t seem right for the moment. Besides, the arcade beckoned, it was almost nine.

It wasn’t long before Michael was stationed in front of an older PacMan machine. Jeremy didn’t mind watching him play, he felt like he needed a minute anyways. Getting overwhelmed was a lot more common these days. After a good five minutes of silence Jeremy blinked a few times, refocusing his eyes he saw high score flash over the screen. Before his brain could catch up there were words spilling from his mouth, “how’s your mom?”

“Fine.” It was short and he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Crane game?”

Jeremy nodded, worrying his lip between his teeth - he weighed the pros and cons of pushing the issue as he trailed after Michael. They ended up in front of some ufo machines and Jeremy smiled, even if it was shaky. If he was going to press he might as well win Michael something so as his friend started up the game he stepped forward to take control. There was a red PacMan ghost that was just begging to be won. After the first attempt he managed to move it a good two inches, leaning out of the way so Michael could slip a few more tokens in. As he set up his next shot at the plush he decided to open his mouth again.

“Are you okay?” It felt safe enough.

“Jerm.” Michael leaned against the machine, gaze trained on the plush as it moved again. He could probably get it in two more tries. Michael may have been better at traditional crane games but Jeremy held down the fort on the ufo ones.

“S-Seriously.” He bit down on his tongue, shoulders shaking with a slight flinch before he focused in on the game again. “You.. don’t have to tell me everything but..”

He winced, remembering when they did tell each other everything.

“Jerm,” it was more forceful this time. Not forceful in a ‘stop’ way.. forceful in a concerned way? “We can talk about it later, I promise.” A pause, something softer, “I’m not hiding it from you. Just.. later.”

“Okay.”

The plush fell into the collection part and Michael smiled at him. Tired but real.

Michael dug his leftovers out of the minifridge.

“You’re going to eat them cold?”

“Not going down to the lobby for the microwave, man. I’m not weak.”

Jeremy made a face, ducking back into the bathroom. He needed a shower, desperately. The past two days left a layer of grime on him and it took all his self control to not scratch at his skin. Instead he shut the door, turning the water to the hottest setting. He pulled his clothes off slowly, pausing for a moment to scan over himself in the mirror. He looked almost as tired as Michael, bags under his eyes. Dragging a hand over his hip he couldn’t help but look, he knew it had only been two days of fast food but.. he felt like he looked bigger. He brushed over his stomach, finally dragging his eyes away. The mirror started fogging, that helped. He stepped into the shower, wetting his hair and dragging nails over his scalp, not too harshly. It just helped ground him.

At least an hour must have passed because there was a knock on the door, startling Jeremy. His eyes shot open and he shut off the water, grabbing around for a towel. Right. Michael was going to shower after him. In the effort of time he quickly toweled himself off, pulling on boxers and a t-shirt. He nearly flung the door open, face to face with Michael. He didn’t look mad or anything at least.

“Food’s getting cold dude.” Jeremy’s puzzled expression was enough to urge him to keep talking. “I got you room service, dude. Since you didn’t bring food back. Soft pretzel and cheese.”

O-Oh,” Jeremy stepped past him, toweling at his damp hair a bit more. “Thanks, man. You.. didn’t have to do that.”

Michael just shrugged, scrunching up his face a bit as he shut himself into the bathroom.

Weird.

One bed was cheaper. Even if there were double rooms available this time. They were just being economical.

Michael passed out easily, breathing softly. Jeremy focused on the sound, trying to keep himself grounded. He tried to be excited, they were heading to Nashville! But that also just meant they were another six and a half hours through their trip. The extra stops helped though, they extended the total drive by a few hours, thus extending the time until they’d get to their final destination. He couldn’t help but think about it.

Had his mom remarried? He could have a half sibling he knew nothing about. Was it worse if she hadn’t remarried? The thought of her with a family, a family that wasn’t him, a family she was happy with.. it made his stomach roll.

Maybe she had the daughter she wanted.

Nope.

Nope. Not the time. It was time to sleep. Rolling onto his side he stared at Michael’s face. From his eyelashes to his slightly parted lips. He couldn’t help it, scooting forward until he could lightly press his forehead to his shoulder. Holding his breath he waited to be sure Michael wouldn’t wake up before he let himself relax, closing his eyes. He held his arms in close to his chest, just trying to focus on the light contact. It felt safe. Michael felt safe. Safer than usual.

He pictured him, letting his shoulders relax. Pictured him holding onto the ghost plush, pictured him with his hoodie tied around his waist halfway through their hike. Thoughts wandered. The way the sun lit up his eyes, golden brown. The way his tan had been starting to come back darker with the sun out more. The usual almost terra-cotta brown dipping into something almost more sepia.. the near copper undertones more prevalent than ever and - wait, wait. He was not waxing poetic about Michael’s tan. Nope. Time for sleep.

By the time his breath was evening out, everything getting fuzzier he was picturing Michael’s hair catching light, showing off the rich brown and warm undertones. He was too sleepy to push it away, dozing off to thoughts of his friend. Warm thoughts.

Michael’s alarm was blaring far too early. Jeremy groaned, rolling over until he was on his back, rubbing at his face. He was still holding onto his dream, slowly coming into consciousness as some obnoxious song kept playing - who even set music as their alarm? Well, Michael. Michael. Michael. His dream fought to keep playing out in his head as he kept his eyes shut. Michael smiled at him, he was wearing a tank top (rare but Jeremy had seen it once) and waving around an ice cream cone. They sat on his porch, watching kids race by on their bikes. A pair of skates and a skateboard laid abandoned by them on the grass. Jeremy picked at a scab on his knee, the band aid Michael gave him the day before must have fallen off. He felt an elbow nudge his side, drawing his attention up to Michael. He was smiling, showing off his dimple, eyes crinkling at the corners. Jeremy leaned in a bit, usually he hated eye contact but Michael’s eyes were just so pretty.. and his gaze faltered, flickering down to his lips and his eyes were drooping shut now and..

“C’mon,” Michael’s voice was heavy with sleep and he patted Jeremy’s shoulder. “Go brush your teeth. Long drive today.”

Jeremy’s eyes shot open and he rubbed at his cheeks. Right. Real life. Road trip. Dead mom. He winced, forcing himself to roll out of bed, stumbling towards the bathroom.

Fuck.

The road was as unforgiving as always, Michael whining about the amount of people tailgating him while Jeremy tried to ignore the feeling of his legs falling asleep.

“Why? Why does everyone have to ride my ass? Is it that nice?” Exasperation filled his tone, as always. Jeremy bit his tongue, forcing himself not to answer. It was just nice to see Michael get back to normal, even if only marginally.

“We can stop for lunch it’s.. what? Like noon? We’ve been driving almost five hours already.”

“Ugh. Yeah. Lunch sounds good.” Michael sighed, making his way into the right lane, watching exit signs fly past. “What are you thinking?”

“Uh..” Jeremy pulled out his phone, frantically searching something. “I don’t know. Something quick? I wanna get there before like the cool stuff closes.”

“Last night was cool!” Michael took an exit with a sign advertising McDonalds. Good enough.

“It was! I didn’t..” Jeremy set his phone down fidgeting with his hands. “I just wanna do something, like.. that we don’t usually do.”

“I know.”

What he didn’t say was that he wanted to cater to Michael more. Sure they loved arcades and laser tag - who didn’t? But.. he wanted to go to a museum or something, something they hadn’t done in a while that would make Michael’s eyes light up as he drowned himself in information. Impatient as ever, he picked his phone back up, searching for attractions in Nashville, he wanted to be prepared.

“When are you gonna quit surprising me?” Michael tried to sound annoyed but there was a grin on his face as Jeremy directed him through Nashville to their next stop.

“When you stop..” Being so cute when you get excited. “When you, uh, stop being totally indebted to me for showing you the best things ever.”

Michael gave a short hum.

“Holy shit, dude.”

“Told you.”

Michael linked their arms, dragging him up the steps to the building. Adventure Science Center. They really were nerds. Jeremy couldn’t bring himself to mind anymore, focusing on the feeling of their arms together as Michael dragged him over to pay admission. He made a mental note to pay Michael back for covering most of their things. Though he knew Michael would wave him off, his moms made good money and they spoiled him. He wasn’t reckless but he didn’t spare expenses.

It wasn’t long before Michael was pulling him across the building for an exhibit, staring down at the map in his other hand. He jerked it away every time Jeremy tried to look and he was so focused that when Michael finally stopped, unlinking their arms he was confused until..

Lifting his head he saw them surrounded with planet models, the galaxy wrapping around them. Jeremy’s eyes lit up and he took tentative steps towards the Jupiter model in the center of the room, watching it spin. 

“What’s your favorite planet?” 

They sat cross-legged in front of Michael’s house, scribbling on the sidewalk with crumbling chalk. The summer was melting away and they’d be starting eighth grade soon.. it had only been about three months since his mom left.

“Dunno,” Jeremy mumbled, scribbling a pointless circle down with a blue piece of chalk. Michael scrunched up his face.

“I think Jupiter’s cool. Just.. big and weird?” Michael snorted out an awkward laugh, aware of the tension. “And it’s like all swirly?”

“Yeah.” Jeremy looked up as Michael gathered up a few pieces of chalk, shifting to where he could reach a more open space. He leaned forward, drawing a big, shaky circle.

“Did you know it spins the fastest?” Michael didn’t wait for an answer as he started scribbling with a red piece of chalk, swirling it with orange. “It has rings too.”

Jeremy watched him draw faint circles around his drawing now before returning to make a big red spot on the side.

“And like.. a ton of moons. Like, 67. Maybe more. There’s four big ones, though.” Michael reached for some other colors, making some (totally inaccurate) moons. “Ganymede is the biggest.”

Jeremy watched him make a gray circle.

“Then there’s Io.”

Another circle.

“Europa.”

Another.

“And Callisto.” He dropped the chalk, looking up at Jeremy. “I think that one has the coolest name.”

Jeremy nodded.

“What d’ya think?” Michael stepped up next to him, leaning on the railing and letting his gaze drift over the information plate in front of them. Though, he was sure he already knew everything it had to say.

“I think Jupiter’s my favorite planet.” As soon as he said it he felt his cheeks heat up and he turned his gaze away.

“Me too.”

Chapter Text

For the next few hours, until the museum closed, Michael led Jeremy between exhibits, reading off facts to him as Jeremy just looked up at everything. He settled his hand on a plasma globe, watching the sparks of light while Michael recited something about Sir William Crookes. 

He remembered a bit more.

It was getting easier. Maybe because they were spending more time around each other, maybe because the stress of high school was gone, maybe.. maybe it just got easier the longer he lived without the squip. It didn’t really matter because he would suddenly remember something that he was sure Michael would call small, insignificant, but it just made him so happy. He kept quiet and they’d move to a new exhibit. His mind lingered, though.

All the small things just built up to something overwhelming as he watched Michael bounce excitedly between his feet when they went up to some exhibit about sound. The same way he’d bounced around when they beat the first level of Apocalypse of the Damned. One thing led to another and he was almost crying as he watched Michael simply exist. He remembered the time he’d dropped a slushie and started crying outside Michael’s house and he ran all the way back to 7/11 to get him one. (It was only a few blocks but still.) Or the time Michael ordered a pizza to his house because his dad had to be out of town for a day and he couldn’t take care of himself as well as he thought. Or how the same night he snuck out and rode his bike over, hugging Jeremy for a solid twenty minutes. And the time Michael painstakingly learned how to make him a honest to god mixtape and searched everywhere for the means to do it. The next time they were in his car he used an adapter to play his final product as they drove around town. Then there was the time they snuck onto Jeremy’s roof to watch 4th of July fireworks with bomb pops. And Jeremy dropped his all the way down onto the lawn and despite them being the last two Michael offered his up to him, assuring him it would be fine.

“They’re closing, we gotta go.” Michael nudged his arm, leading him towards the exit. How long had he been spaced out?

“Aw, man.” Jeremy frowned a bit, it was nice to see Michael so excited and engaged.

“Hey, we can get dinner and find a hotel now. Kick back. I’m fucking tired dude. Plus, we gotta find out where we wanna go tomorrow.”

Right.

“I’m.. really craving pizza, I think?” The voice in his head told him he wasn’t, it told him that he didn’t need the grease and cheese. He tried to block it out.

“Let’s go, then.”

Watching Michael sit on the floor of the hotel room next to him, eyes going wide as he tried to take a bite of pizza and the cheese just stretched-

It was great.

With a short laugh he leaned over to grab a piece of his own, their knees bumped. The contact made his cheeks light up and he just settled on stuffing his face. He was just warm, it was summer after all. The blushing had nothing to do with Michael sitting next to him in boxers and a worn, stretched shirt that showed some of his collarbone. It had nothing to do with how silly he looked with sauce smudged on his cheek. It definitely had nothing to do with the way his eyes lit up at Jeremy’s laugh.

Well. Maybe it did. Maybe he was blushing because Michael looked at him so softly and was willing to drive him across the country to go to the funeral of someone he hated just for Jeremy’s sake. Maybe he looked really pretty as they passed under street lights along the highway, windows open, messy hair. Maybe he looked hot with his hoodie tied around his waist, the sleeves of his t-shirt rolled up to show off his upper arms, comfortable enough with Jeremy that he didn’t feel obligated to hide the papercut-thin scars. Maybe he was gorgeous when he finally fell asleep next to Jeremy, soft eyelashes and perfect skin and a killer jaw.

Fuck.

He was totally into Michael.

There was no right time. They were on an over week long road trip going to his mom’s funeral, it really wasn’t the time to confess his feelings. Especially after everything he put Michael through. What was he even expecting? They were friends, it wasn’t fair to expect anything because they were close. Guys can be friends without secretly being gay. (Or bi.) And.. why did it take so long to realize?

“Bed time.” Michael wiped his hands on a napkin one last time before standing up. “Well, for me. We’re leaving at eight again.”

Jeremy tried not to look because Michael’s thighs were now at his eye level and fuck-

“Yeah, I’m tired too.”

As they finally settled into bed, turning the tv and lights off Jeremy wasn’t sure if there was tension or if he just imagined it. He tried to tell himself it’d be alright. It was friday. The funeral was sunday. Then they’d start going home. Then they could focus on summer and Jeremy could crush his feelings down because they wouldn’t be spending literally all their time together. He wouldn’t deny it though, it was more than a byproduct of hormones and proximity. It was almost like he owed it to Michael, admitting to himself that it was real, because Michael was great. Way too good for him.

Too good for all the shit he dealt with.

Jeremy closed his eyes to fight back brimming tears. He bit his tongue, fighting to keep still until he heard Michael’s breath even out. He gave it another minute after that, waiting for Michael’s mouth to open slightly and hear the almost snore he made when he was really asleep. Only then did he let the tears run down his cheeks. Slowly he rolled onto his side to face Michael, vision blurry with tears. In the dark he could see his hair, ruffled. This time he was sleeping with his back to Jeremy. He tried not to overthink it, he was just sleeping. It didn’t mean anything. His hands clenched into fists, he just wanted to reach out and grab his shirt, to hold on and just fucking cry. He would have but Michael would wake up and hold him and ask him what was wrong. He couldn’t tell him.

Instead he cried as quietly as he could until he was too exhausted to cry anymore. Only then did he pause, holding his breath and scooting over to press his forehead to the space between Michael’s shoulder blades. It helped. But it also hurt. It hurt to realize that he fucked up when he had Michael in front of him the whole time. Well, he already knew he really fucked up but now it was ten times worse because he put Michael through so much pain, he put a boy he lo-

Squeezing his eyes shut he choked back a sob. It wasn’t the time to keep thinking. It was time to sleep.

“Rise and grind you funky little bisexual.” Jeremy groaned as he felt Michael shaking him. He let out a groan, pressing his face into the pillow. His head hurt, his face hurt - he hadn’t even heard Michael’s atrocious alarm blaring. Was there such a thing as a crying hangover? If there was he was pretty sure he had one.

“Ugh.”

Despite everything he managed to get himself out of bed, dragging himself to the bathroom. He could do it. He had to.

jeremy (9:12 am): hey dad do you know what music mom liked we’re running low on tunes i thought it might be.. i dont know

For some reason the boys thought it was a good idea to play his mom’s favorite song on repeat. And nothing else. Michael just shrugged, it was catchy. Jeremy couldn’t argue with that. It wasn’t necessarily like any of their favorite types of music but Bruce Springsteen’s voice was good enough, warm.. a little rough around the edges. After thirty minutes they both started to get the lyrics, butting in to hesitantly sing certain parts. After an hour and a half they were belting out certain parts. After two hours they yelled the lyrics three times in a row before taking a break. It wasn’t even noon yet.

The screen door slams, Mary’s dress waves. Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays.

Jeremy leaned back in his seat, bobbing his head. He closed his eyes, picturing his mom, younger, happier.

Roy Orbison singing for the lonely. Hey that’s me and I want you only. Don’t turn me home again, I just can’t face myself alone again.

Suddenly he was thinking about Michael, thinking about his face, relaxed with sleep. No matter how much it hurt he’d rather think about his mom. Why couldn’t he just think about his mom?

Don’t run back inside. Darling, you know just what I’m here for. So you’re scared and you’re thinking that maybe we ain’t that young anymore.

Jeremy bit his tongue, fingers tapping against his legs. Could they ever get back to where they were? Like when they were younger?

Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night. You ain’t a beauty, but hey, you’re alright. Oh and that’s alright with me.

Michael was, though. Handsome, pretty, everything.

You can hide ‘neath your covers and study your pain. Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain. Waste your summer praying in vain for a saviour to rise from the streets.

Maybe he couldn’t do it. Would it be an open casket? His stomach rolled and he cracked his window a bit. Michael cracked his own in response.

Well now I’m no hero, that’s understood. All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood. With a chance to make it good somehow. Hey, what else can we do now? Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair? Well the night’s busting open, these two lanes will take us anywhere.

It was too much, too real. He rolled his window down more, practically sticking his head out to feel the wind rushing around him. He needed fresh air, it felt like he was suffocating.

We got one last chance to make it real. To trade in these wings on some wheels, climb in back. Heaven's waiting down on the tracks. Oh, oh come take my hand. We're riding out tonight to case the promised land. Oh, oh, oh, oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road.

Fingers gripped at the fabric of his shorts, palms sweating. He leaned back into the car fully, ignoring how Michael looked at him. He didn’t need to look to know the sudden rush of wind annoyed him. Michael never cracked the windows that far. It hurt his ears. Selfish.

Lying out there like a killer in the sun. Hey, I know it's late we can make it if we run-

With a gasp Jeremy leaned forward and slammed the audio power button, cutting the music off. All he could hear was the wind, breaths heaving. 

“Dude, what the fuck?” Michael rolled up the windows, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Any other time he would have slowed down the car and offered up help but it didn’t seem like it would do too much good at this rate. A sob tore out of Jeremy and he curled in on himself.

“Who even was my mom?!” Deflect, deflect. He couldn’t talk about how he felt about Michael, he couldn’t face that now. So he’d focus on the smaller issue, it was believable enough either way. “She wasn’t even really a mom!”

“Let it out man, go for it.” Jeremy blinked, pausing for a second. This was uncharted territory. He’d never felt anger as deeply as this, he’d never really thought about his mom leaving that much.

“She.. she wasn’t even a mother! She didn’t take care of me! Dad said she was depressed but she.. ruined me!” Jeremy took a shuddering breath. “Just because she was depressed didn’t mean she could yell at me for no reason! I’m a fucking wreck! She just left and moved on with no fucking thoughts about me. I had to live with that, thinking I was the reason she left. I was 13!”

“You were 13,” Michael corroborated, voice soft.

“I.. I didn’t deserve that.”

“You didn’t deserve a lot of shit, Jer. I promise.”

There he went, sobbing again. Michael stayed quiet, it was best to just let it pass.

“Better?” Michael finally spoke up, waiting a good five minutes after Jeremy’s breathing returned to normal. For once he felt stuck, he usually had a good read on Jeremy but.. he felt off. He’d never really seen Jeremy truly angry, on his own, not without the stupid brain parasite computer chip. This anger was real and burning and all his own. It was almost scary.

“No.” Jeremy’s voice shook.

“I.. that’s alright. We’re gonna stop for lunch, alright?” Michael glanced over to see Jeremy nodding. For now that was all he could do, so he took the next exit that let off into a roadside town. He didn’t feel particularly hungry and he was sure Jeremy didn’t either but.. he wasn’t dumb, he saw the way Jeremy treated food. They had never sat down and spoke about it in black and white terms but he needed to keep Jeremy eating regularly, he wasn’t going to give him an out. He knew it wasn’t his responsibility but.. he couldn’t help but care. That’s what they did, Michael and Jeremy. They tried to take care of each other, they tried to help. He had a lot on his plate, no matter how shitty his mom was.. it was still hard to find out his mom had died. 

“C-Can we.. uh,” Jeremy sniffled, rubbing at his face. He seemed to hesitate. “Can we get.. uh, burgers again?”

“Yeah, Jerm.” Michael’s voice was soft as he glanced around at their options. “Anything you want.”

Jeremy sniffled again, whining lowly as he rubbed at his face. He mumbled something that Michael didn’t catch. It wasn’t the time to pry.

“Sorry.” Jeremy groaned, rolling onto his stomach and burying his face in the pillow. They’d booked the hotel early, skipping over their afternoon plans because Jeremy had broken down a second time in the car. “You drove us all the way here.”

“Jer, dude. It’s fine.” Michael sat on the bed, an almost awkward space between them. He gave Jeremy a light pat on the back. “Hey, if you feel better after dinner we can walk around downtown. It’s pretty, uh, well.. pretty here.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled into the pillow.

“No problem man, I-”

“No.. thanks. Like, really, thanks. For everything. Forever.” 

Michael was quiet, rubbing small circles on his back until Jeremy let out another whine, though he didn’t have many tears left.

“..feels nice,” he mumbled, glad his face was hidden because it must have been bright red.

“Do you,” Michael paused, faltering for a second, “want me to rub your back?”

“Y-Yeah.. that’d.. be really nice.” He tried not to think too hard about it. Michael had seen him without a shirt, hell, Michael had rubbed his back before.

“Shirt or no shirt?”

Jeremy mumbled out a practically silent, ‘ no shirt’ pushing himself up to tug it off before flopping back down.

“Shit,” Michael’s voice was breathy and Jeremy felt fingertips brush over his back hesitantly, he swallowed thickly. “Hey, Jer. Did.. did you know you had these?”

“Wh..What?” Jeremy’s voice was practically just a squeak, fear coursing through him.

“Scars? Like.. I think they must be from the squip, I..”

“Don’t show me. Please.” He’d never been a fan of his body and he tried not to look at it too much. There really was never a reason to look at his own back and he didn’t prefer to go shirtless around anyone. It wasn’t a surprise he hadn’t noticed them, even after a year and a half. He was jolted from his thoughts as he felt Michael’s palm slide over his back, rubbing circles against his skin.

“I’m sorry.”

Jeremy felt his breath catch and he was choked up all over again, biting his tongue.

“I am. I know you messed up and I’m not handing you excuses, but,” Michael paused, brushing his hand over the small of Jeremy’s back. “You didn’t deserve it just as much as I didn’t. And.. we never talked much about it but.. if yours was anything like Rich’s.. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It told me.. that I,” he gasped out a breath, shoulders shaking. “It told me I made it want to die. It made me want to die. More.. than usual.”

The bed dipped as Michael laid next to him, on his side. He kept rubbing one hand over Jeremy’s back and he tried not to scream from the intimacy. They were friends, close friends. It wasn’t weird. He wouldn’t make it weird. “I’m.. so glad you’re still here, Jerm.”

“I’m glad you’re here.” 

A silence fell over them and Michael’s hand stilled, just resting on his back now. He hummed, thoughtful, “hey, come here.”

Jeremy rolled over and Michael put arms around him, pulling him close to his chest. Jeremy’s face scrunched up in a pained expression as he shoved his face into Michael’s shirt. Maybe he loved Michael. But he also loved Michael for every year of friendship, for every shared ice cream cone, for every sleepover. He loved Michael in every way he could. He was warm and comfortable and familiar.

“Wanna order room service?”

Jeremy let out a weak laugh.

Chapter Text

Two extra hours of sleep did wonders.

“Feel better today?” When Jeremy blinked open his eyes he saw Michael laying beside him, on his side. He was dressed for the day already, meaning that he’d gotten back into bed and roused Jeremy so gently, talking with a soft voice-

“Yeah.. I think?” Jeremy rubbed at his face, looking away because he couldn’t take it with Michael looking at him like that.

“Shorter drive today.” Michael rolled over before sitting up. “Four and a half hours. Finally gonna be in Texas.”

Jeremy groaned a bit, sitting up himself. Trying not to wince, Texas. They were uncomfortably close, now. He was sure his hair was a mess and he didn’t even want to think about how messy he must’ve looked. Maybe not messy enough - Michael smiled at him, eyes soft. Finally pulling himself out of bed he headed towards the bathroom, “I can’t believe it’s tomorrow. Fuck.”

“I..” Michael’s brow furrowed and he craned his neck to look at Jeremy. “We can turn around. If you really.. if you can’t do it.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Jeremy gave an almost bitter laugh.

As soon as Jeremy was shut into the bathroom Michael collapsed back onto the bed, rubbing at his face under his glasses. He jolted when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, pulling it out and seeing his mom calling him. It wouldn’t be a good move to ignore it - he steeled himself and answered it, “mm, ano momma?”

“You promised calls, you didn’t call yesterday.”

Hearing his mom talk so precisely and pointedly felt weird. He picked at his fingernails a bit, just focusing on keeping up, he knew it was bad when his mom didn’t use any English.

“I.. pasensiya na . He.. had a bad night,” he was mumbling, keeping an ear out for Jeremy coming back. He heard the sink going, he had a little time - he always brushed his teeth for the full time. “Anxiety attack, nag-aalala.. about, like everything.”

“You know why I’m mad. And it’s not at him.”

“Mhmm,” Michael tried not to sound too annoyed, he didn’t want to make anything worse than it was, “I just.. gusto kong tumulong, you.. I.. I couldn’t make him go alone.”

“But you could have asked.”

"Alam ko, momma. But.. we, uh, ito ay maiksing pahayag and.. and kailangan kong tulungan siya. I was worried. I didn’t want you to say no.”

“Going behind our backs wasn’t the way, honey.”

Now that was his mom, her voice softening. He swallowed thickly, “I know. I really am sorry, momma. It was kind of last second, he wasn’t sure he wanted to go.” He was a bit rusty, but he made his way through. “His dad couldn’t go.. you know it’s.. He couldn’t go alone and I just.. gut feeling. I just really.. really care about him.”

“Care about him? It’s been just over a year since he abandoned you.”

“I know.. and it’s still hard sometimes. But, I can’t fully blame him anymore. I know he’s been through a lot. He’s been making it up to me as much as he can and.. he’s different. In a good way.”

“Promise to call?”

“Promise momma, I’ll call tomorrow.”

“Was that your mom earlier?” Jeremy didn’t ask until they were in the car, hoping it was long enough passed. The last time she’d called Michael had seemed a bit off.

“Yeah.” Michael kept his eyes on the road. They’d left a little later than planned but they did grab complimentary breakfast on the way out so they could probably push lunch a little later.

“Everything okay?” 

“Yeah.”

Jeremy got the hint, turning his gaze away to pick at his cuticles. He swallowed thickly, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“Wanna look up some things we could do in Dallas today?” Michael’s voice softened a bit, though he kept his eyes on the road. A silent way to tell him, ‘it’s fine, I’m not mad.’ More than ever he found himself aching for encouragement and validation. He pulled out his phone, opening up the internet to start searching. 

“Botanical garden..” Jeremy scrolled a bit, relaxing back into his seat. “Aquarium, zoo..” He let his head tip to the side, leaning on the window. “Six Flags, Legoland.. discovery park..?”

“Damn, haven’t been to an aquarium in like.. forever.”

“Sixth grade,” Jeremy butt in, surprising himself. The memory seemed to hit him all at once. “We went with your moms in sixth grade.”

“I thought aquariums had fish.” Jeremy scrunched up his nose, peering into the exhibit that housed a giant anteater. He clutched Michael’s hand in his own, palms sticking together with sweat. They couldn’t bring themselves to care. 

It was Michael’s 12th birthday and he’d been reading books about aquatic animals for the last two months. He just rolled his eyes and pulled Jeremy along towards another small exhibit.

“Polka-dot stingray,” Michael announced proudly. When he smiled he showed off the gap where he’d lost his last baby tooth. “They’re only in one place in Brazil in the wild.”

“What about this one?” Jeremy mumbled, pulling him across the walkway to look down at some fish.

“Red-bellied piranha.” Michael bared his teeth, it was the farthest thing from threatening - Jeremy giggled. “They’re related to tetras. If you put less than four together they’ll kill each other.”

“Don’t they eat people?” Jeremy peered down at them, brows creasing in worry. He dropped Michael’s hand to press palms against the glass.

“Well, yeah. They’re scavengers.” Michael walked up next to him, poking at Jeremy’s side, earning him a squeak. “They don't’, like, kill people though I think. They only eat already dead people.”

“Gross.”

“Oh, to be twelve again.” Michael sighed, slouching in his seat a bit. He glanced at Jeremy, taking in his confused expression. He rolled his eyes, though a slight smile pulled at his lips. “You know I’m kidding.”

“Do.. you miss being younger?”

“Do you?”

“Sometimes, I think?” Jeremy hummed thoughtfully. “Maybe not. Before mom left wasn’t great because.. gender stuff and.. how she could be. After mom left was hard. High school was hard. But.. I had you.”

“Yeah,” Michael mused, tilting his head. “We had a lot of good times.. A lot but.. I wouldn’t go back.”

Jeremy winced a bit, rubbing at his arms.

“That.. ugh. Maybe I said that weird? I’m really happy, like, I’m glad I’ve known you forever. There’s some days I’d live again probably but.. we were different. We’re different now. I think that break was just waiting to come over us. We were.. too caught up in everything? Unhealthy codependency?” Michael seemed to notice the way Jeremy shifted uncomfortably because he kept going, “I think we have a healthy codependency now. Hah. You’re.. still my best friend, my favorite person. And here we are, spending all our time together. But.. you changed for the better in some ways. Even if I wish it happened differently. And I know you’re still.. recovering and it’s not perfect but I think we came out of it stronger. Even if it took a while.”

It was one of those days, he could tell. Some days Michael would barely talk, falling into non-verbal ruts and then other days he would word vomit. It was the small things, the way he could never quite predict him, that Jeremy had come to love. He rubbed at his eye, willing himself not to cry and he bit his tongue, willing himself not to confess.

“Thanks, Micah.” Jeremy breathed out a short laugh, unable to help a slight smile. “You.. I don’t deserve everything you do for me.”

“You don’t need to be ‘worthy’ of love - you just gotta be, dude.”

Love. Love? The word rattled around Jeremy’s head.

“Is it weird I think caimans are, like, cute?” Michael leaned over the railing, gazing lazily over the exhibit they were in front of. The rest of the drive had passed easily, they had turned up the music and just tried to relax. The fact it was under five hours helped. “They’re like.. baby. They’re baby. They, like, don’t even grow to five feet long.”

Jeremy breathed out a laugh, he couldn’t help but watch Michael a little more than the animals.

“Though, I can’t forgive them for eating frogs. Frogs are extra baby.”

“C’mon, let’s look at some then.” Jeremy perked up, hooking his arm with Michael’s and giving him a slight tug. They passed some swans on their way before stopping in front of some yellow-banded dart frogs.

“Ohohoh, hell yeah man.” Michael grinned, leaning in so close to the glass that it just barely fogged from his breath. “They’re so fucking small, I love them.”

Jeremy couldn’t help but laugh as Michael willed his voice to break until he sounded on the verge of tears. He broke into soft wheezes as he laughed, “holy shit dude.”

“Jer, you can’t tell me he isn’t perfect, look,” he nodded his head towards the exhibit. “Did you know that when they’re in captivity and fed a certain diet they actually lose a lot of their toxicity.”

Jeremy could listen to that voice all day. It was just endearing, to hear Michael talk about anything and everything. Maybe that was love. He wasn’t really sure. While he was fairly certain about his feelings for Michael, he couldn’t help but shake the thought that he wasn’t really sure what love even was, or that he’d ever be allowed to have it. Maybe love was wanting to hear Michael keep talking about frogs, or fish, or whatever. Maybe love was deciding his favorite planet was Jupiter. Maybe love was sharing a musty motel bed. Maybe love was losing to Michael in laser tag, or beating him at mini golf, or winning him a stuffed PacMan ghost. Maybe love was finding a restaurant that served Filipino food. Maybe love was sitting on a park bench in Philadelphia.

Maybe love was a boy driving him across the country to his mom’s funeral.

“Do you think I can like.. DoorDash food to the hotel?” Michael glanced over at him, tugging on some basketball shorts. It was time to get comfortable. Jeremy looked up from his phone, laid out on the bed.

“Why not? You gotta go down and get it, though.”

Michael grinned at him, pulling out his phone to start the search for dinner. He sat down in the armchair next to the bed, humming thoughtfully as he scrolled. “Alright, so.. mexican, burgers, pizza.. uh, vegan place, sushi, hm. Also just straight up Sonic. Wait. Chili cheese dog, fuck. Please, Jer oh my god. Sonic.”

Love was folding to a beautiful boy’s request for a chili cheese dog.

“Yeah, dude. Why not.”

“Grilled chicken sandwich?” Michael looked up at him, Jeremy could see the giddiness in his eyes.

Love was feeling so warm and fuzzy over a boy remembering what he liked from a fucking Sonic drive-thru.

“Okay, we’re sharing a shake. I’m not passing this up. Two words. Oreo. Cheesecake. Shake.”

“Three words?” Jeremy snorted out a laugh, rolling onto his stomach, propping his head up on his hands.

“Shake is a given, duh.”

“So..” Michael leaned back from where they sat on the floor, trying to crack his back. Once he was rewarded with the hollow pop he sat up straight. “Did you think about what you’re going to say tomorrow?”

“Uh.”

“Please tell me you didn’t forget they wanted you to say something.”

“I..” Jeremy hugged his knees close to his chest. “I just don’t know what they want me to say or.. or why my aunt even said I should talk. What am I supposed to even..”

“Jer, hey.” Michael’s face creased with concern and he leaned over to press their shoulders together. “Maybe.. you can wing it. You don’t have to give a eulogy, so you can just.. tell a story. There must be one, right?”

“Y..Yeah.” He swallowed thickly, leaning and letting his head drop to rest on Michael’s shoulder. “Like that one time she took us to the fair. We stayed until it was dark.. she let us go on the ferris wheel by ourselves, we never had gone on a ride by ourselves..”

Michael knew the story already so he trailed off, he could save it for the next day.

“You’re gonna do fine, okay?” Michael lifted his arm, wrapping it around Jeremy’s shoulders and giving him a squeeze. “Just talk about whatever, that’ll be good enough. Anything you’ll say will be good enough.”

This was love, Jeremy was sure. Or.. the closest thing that life would allow him.

Chapter Text

Michael must have set a different alarm this time because Jeremy wasn’t waking up to any 80s synth-pop or some obscure electric swing song. Just some good old iPhone alarm tones. That was the first strange thing that would happen - Jeremy was sure it wouldn’t be the last for the day. He knew there wasn’t any handbook for attending your estranged mother’s funeral, but he couldn’t help but think he was doing something wrong as he rolled out of bed and wandered into the bathroom, scrunching his nose at the stale taste laying over his tongue. He barely blinked as Michael joined him, bumping shoulders as they both leaned over the sink to brush their teeth.

It reminded him of simpler times, of nights spent at Michael’s, sleepily brushing their teeth together the next morning. There were plenty of those nights in middle school. At some point he began to resent his own home. Wait. Was it bad to be reflecting on how shitty his mom had made him feel all the time before she even left while he was on the way to her funeral? Jeremy scrunched his face up in thought. He met Michael’s eye in the mirror and he forced himself to relax.

“It sucks we can’t stay at your place.” Michael flopped onto his bed, they’d exhausted Super Smash Bros. for the night and the week before they’d managed to lose Michael’s Majora’s Mask cartridge. Besides, Jeremy wasn’t allowed to play his Animal Crossing game because Michael swore he’d mess it up - he was a bit protective. “My moms won’t get me a ps2 since you have one. We still haven’t finished Ōkami.”

“Yeah.” Jeremy picked at a thread on his pajama pants, still curled up in one of Michael’s new bean bag chairs. (His moms let him move his bedroom to the basement! That meant he got cool new furniture!) “Sorry my m-mom’s mean.”

“Dude yeah she’s kinda a bitch.” Jeremy winced, not from the comment but from the language.

“Micah!” He whined, glancing at the stairs.

“They can’t hear me. Now they’re all the way upstairs instead of just down the hall. Besides, we’re in middle school now! We can swear, hold on, watch this.”

Michael sat up on his bed, leaning forward to meet Jeremy’s gaze, eyes lighting up mischievously, voice starting out as a whisper, “tangina.”

Jeremy worried his lip, glancing at the stairs again. 

“Come on! Dude. Say one swear word, just one.” Michael shifted now so his legs were hanging off the bed and he swung them back in forth. “You can do it if I can. See, tangina, easy.”

It was almost taunting - Michael was smiling at him in a way that just screamed peer pressure. 

“Sh-Sh-Shit?” Jeremy grimaced, gritting his teeth a bit.

“Yeah!” Michael stuck his arms up in victory, falling back to lay on his bed.

“Longer drive, still under five hours though.” Michael mumbled it to him, it almost seemed like he was just talking to himself, stopping to fill up a cup of coffee on their way out.

“Did you know,” Jeremy leaned over his shoulder to watch him pick over the sugar before forgoing any, “that apparently if you put creamer in it keeps the coffee warmer longer?”

“Huh.” Michael’s hands paused and grabbed a single creamer and a stir stick. “Coming after my brand, Heere?”

“What brand?” It was almost squeaked out and Jeremy stepped back, watching Michael put a lid on the cup. “Knowing things?”

“Yeah, duh,” Michael rolled his eyes before dissolving into a small laughing fit. “I know weird things and you’re a furry. And we all know I’m not after your brand.”

“I! Hey!” Jeremy sputtered a bit as they made their way outside to the car. “I just.. happen to have an animal.. who I designed.. with my name!”

“Just admit it, I’ve broken us down to our bare essentials.”

“I’m not talking about furries at six in the morning. But, for the record, you’d totally be a skunk. Get it? Weed smell? Pity laugh?”

Michael stuck his tongue out in response before starting up the car, putting his spotify on shuffle as Jeremy pulled up his maps app. With one last sip of his coffee he tucked it into the cup holder and pulled out of his parking spot. Letting the music replace any dialogue, Jeremy let his thoughts wander. It still didn’t seem quite real, on one hand it just felt like another day but.. On the other hand nothing seemed like any other day they’d lived before. Michael’s black dress shirt was buttoned to the top button but his sleeves were rolled up. Jeremy decided a summer in Texas was the worst time and place for a funeral. He turned the air conditioning up another notch and undid to the highest button on his own shirt. He already felt suffocated enough as it was.

“Why are you doing this?” Jeremy’s head jerked up and his face creased, gaze focused intently on the car’s dashboard. He squeezed his hands into fists to keep himself from picking at his hands. His hangnails were already looking bad. 

“Huh?” Michael sat up a bit straighter, sparing him a quick glance. A beat passed without any addition so Jeremy safely assumed that Michael actually hadn’t heard him and it wasn’t just an audio-processing related delay. It was an out, he could just brush it off but.. He was so tired of just pretending and hiding. If he was going to hide the fact that he fucking loved him then he could at least open up on other fronts.

“I.. uh, why are you doing this?”

“Because you’re my friend? Best friend?” It just seemed too easy.

“You’ve spent so much money and wasted so much time.. You didn’t even want me to come because of how bad she made everything and you still drove me anyway.”

“I support your decisions, even if I don’t agree.”

Jeremy full-on flinched at that, thinking about the mall.

Michael seemed to realize the weight behind it and sighed, continuing, “this is different. You know that. This isn’t going to.. cause mass destruction. You think you need closure, I can respect that. I’m not just rolling over and doing it because you said so. You really thought you needed to be here and even if I think you’d be fine not going I didn’t want you to regret it. This is.. a one time offer, she’s not going to have another funeral. Besides, this time I’m not putting myself in the line of fire by helping you. I just.. yeah. Stop talking, Michael.”

With a groan he slouched in his seat again, at least the words gave Jeremy some comfort. Enough to reach out an arm and give Michael a lingering shoulder touch.

“Just.. you’re so.. good. You do too much for me, I don’t deserve it. Or you.”

“Jer,” Michael shifted again so he could sit back up straight, eyes focused on the road. “You need to understand that I’m a person, I make my own choices. I’m not some saint who needs to be deserved or anything. I choose to be friends with you, every day I choose you. There’s no secret game here, I’m not trying to.. ugh. You act like I’m perfect and I’m not. I’m a person. I’m your friend. You’re a person. You’re my friend. Sure, I chose to forgive you and it took time for me to think that was the right decision but.. I don’t regret it.”

“I.. yeah. Okay.” Jeremy pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them close. “It’s.. hard. I know.. I know you’re just a person and I know you’re not, like.. perfect. But you’re great, you’re just really good. It just gets hard to.. to accept that you choose to be my friend and not like we’re just stuck together.”

“Give yourself more credit.” Michael’s voice softened, fingers drumming on the steering wheel. “You made a mistake. A lot of them. The consequences were big but you didn’t know they’d be, you just.. wanted to be happy and liked, you didn’t know that ‘no matter what’ came with a huge ‘destroy human civilization’ asterisk next to it. I’m never really going to be able to fully understand why you’d.. why you’d drop everything for some popularity but I know you thought it was your only option, I know that now, at least.”

Jeremy was quiet this time, staring at his shoes.

“Besides,” Michael let a slight smile cross his lips, “you’ve been making it even harder to dwell on the past lately. I.. know you care. You’ve been making it pretty clear that even if this trip was for you.. you want to make it for me too. It’s one of the best apologies you’ve given me.”

“Think you’re ready?” Michael waited to turn the car off, if they were going to sit a little longer then he wanted to keep the air going.

“No.” Jeremy let out a shuddering sigh, burying his face in his hands. “..well, yes. Yes and no.”

“I’ve got you Jer, yeah?” A hand rested on his shoulder and Jeremy felt his thumb rubbing back and forth. It was enough to get him to take a deep breath and try to steel himself. “Don’t wanna be fashionably late, man.”

“Yeah.” Jeremy groaned, rubbing at his face and running fingers through his hair, lightly dragging his nails over his scalp. “Yeah.. let’s go.”

Michael’s hand lingered for a second before he gave a light pat and pulled away to shut off the car. When he opened the door the heat was suffocating, Jeremy felt like he was choking. With shaking hands he got up and out of the car, buttoning his top shirt button back up. When he glanced at Michael he saw him rolling his sleeves back down and redoing the buttons. 

Jeremy’s steps faltered outside the doors of the synagogue and Michael flashed him a glance. He fidgeted with his hands, picking at his nails. Almost immediately his heart sped up, his throat felt tight. Michael was waiting for him so he squared his shoulders and opened the door. He hadn’t been in a synagogue since his mom left. Fitting that he’d be back in one for her.

“You got this,” Michael mumbled, bumping their shoulders together.

Hearing his deadname was like dragging his brain through a cheese grater. In public he could accept other people had it.. here was different, it was directed at him. The voice caught him off guard and he tried to relax as his aunt came into view. She held him in a suffocating hug, he held his breath trying not to cough on her perfume. “Oh, whoops, it’s Jeremiah now, right?”

“Uh, yeah.” If his mom could even get it why couldn’t his aunt? Michael gave him a soft look. “And, uh, Michael’s here. My friend, the one who drove me.”

“Oh, yes. Hi,” Jeremy tuned her out as she gave an overexaggerated greeting. She was.. weirdly energetic yet.. weepy.

“Jeremy, right?” When he turned away he was face to face (well, face to shoulder height) with a man he didn’t recognize. “I.. was married to your mother.”

If he said his name Jeremy didn’t catch it, there was a lot going in one ear and out the other. He felt dizzy and he just wanted to hold onto Michael and keep himself grounded, but it wasn’t the time.

“N-Nice to meet you.”

“And this is.. uh, your half-sister.” Jeremy’s brain practically shut off at that. Later he’d feel a bit bad for forgetting her name (it wasn’t her fault) but for now he was barely coasting through. He was vaguely aware of Michael joining him, feeling his hand briefly brush over the small of his back.

“Okay ka lang ba?” Michael mumbled it lowly, next to his ear. Jeremy didn’t know much Tagalog but Michael had taught him a handful of phrases mostly small things he could mumble in these types of situations so that if other people were listening they wouldn’t know what he was saying. A surefire way to make Jeremy’s anxiety worse was to let others know he was already on edge. He managed a shaky nod before he bent down a bit to give the small girl a greeting. She must have been at least three. 

Despite his pain at knowing how ready his mom was to leave everything - leave him  - behind for a whole new life.. his heart hurt for the girl.. his half-sister. He knew what it was like to lose a mother (twice now, really) and he couldn’t even imagine how it would affect her. He was only slightly aware of Michael chatting with her father.. his step-dad? It didn’t seem right, his mom was barely his mom as it was.

Before he knew it everything was a whirlwind and Michael held onto his elbow, steering him to sit on a bench. How much time had passed? Was it starting already?

“.. the ferris wheel and I had never..” Confusion washed over Jeremy and he grimaced - when had he gotten up? When had he started talking? It felt like he was in a dream and he woke up right in the middle of it, mouth going dry. His eyes darted around until they settled on Michael. Michael. Warm when the whole building felt cold and suffocating. He tried to focus, keeping eye contact with Michael, trying to keep his breathing under control. “S-S-Sorry.”

A silence fell over everything aside from a stray cough or sniffle. 

“I.. I can’t.” Jeremy could barely hear his own voice over his heart pounding, dangerously close to hyperventilating. “That’s, like, the only good story I have.. of my mom. I can’t.. pretend she was great.. or anything. Uh, she wasn’t a good mom and I’m not really sure why I’m even here. She moved on, she started a new family.. I never heard from her after she left. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want.. to be here. I think.. she ruined a lot of things.. for me.” Towards the end he’d slowly trailed off, getting more choked up.

Practically stumbling he stepped away, he jumped when he felt Michael’s arm link with his own, pulling him towards the doors. As they stepped outside he shifted, putting his arm around Jeremy’s shoulders, pulling him close. His voice was low, rumbling.. and warm. Always warm. He was sweating. “Jer..? Tara na, okay?”

He could barely nod, feeling numb. No one followed them outside. 

It was like he blinked and Michael was buckling him into the cruiser, all he could do was focus on his breathing. In. Out. He couldn’t seem to focus his gaze and he finally broke as he felt Michael lean into the car and wrap arms around his shoulders, pressing his face into the crook of Jeremy’s neck. When he spoke Jeremy felt his breath, felt his mouth move. “I’m gonna start driving, alright? I’ll get us far away from here. As far as you need. Promise.”

“Th-Thanks Michael.. you.. you’re everything.” It was barely intelligible through his tears and almost too soon Michael peeled himself away to get in the driver’s seat.

As soon as the air kicked on he started to feel a bit better, his fingers still shook, though. He looked out the window as they drove, not really looking at anything in particular, not that he could really see through the tears. Some music played softly and he wasn’t sure if he was too out of it to make out the words or if it was even in English. His cheeks lit up as he finally was able to pick out a word in Tagalog - once he’d told Michael how hearing him speak it was kind of calming.. he remembered.

At some point he fell asleep, just exhausted from the stress and tears. They passed over a slight bump, rousing him awake. With a grunt he shifted around, cracking his neck. A glance at the clock told him it was sometime around four. 

“Okay, hey. Do you want to stop in like.. Austin or do you just want me to barrel through Texas?”

“Uh,” he faltered, trying to get his mouth to catch up to his brain. “Can we just.. drive?”

“Alright, crossing that stop off the list. It wasn’t in the plan but we can just keep going north. Fuck, here. I’m gonna exit here and we can get food. Even just.. fries or something and I’ll get some coffee. Let’s just.. let’s just drive to Kansas City. Fuck it up. Who even cares!”

There was a look in Michael’s eyes that he couldn’t quite place - worry? Maybe.. manic was more accurate. He was usually good at keeping himself composed, especially around Jeremy.. it was very strange to see him like this. 

“Besides, if we just go to Kansas City it’ll be an easier trip to St. Louis.. which we were gonna go there anyways.. so.”

Jeremy couldn’t argue with that.

“You don’t.. have to do this,” Jeremy fidgeted in his seat, sipping at a sweet tea. The ice had long since melted and it was watered down. They had to have been driving for nearly six hours - it was some time past eight and they were just over halfway to their destination. “You woke up at.. like six. And we won’t get there until, like, one.”

“Jer.” There was almost a warning in his tone. “Let me do this. Let me do something for you.”

“You do everything for me!” Just like that he was on the edge of tears again. “You’ve done so much for me and I fucked it all up. I’m.. such a fuck up.. she had everything without me a new husband and a daughter - she finally got what I fucked up for her and-”

“Holy shit. Just stop.” It was harsh and it made Jeremy feel like he hit a brick wall, watching Michael’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “If your mom was so pissed she ended up with a son instead that’s her problem. You are.. so fucking amazing. You’re not perfect but you don’t have to be! You inherently have worth for being alive so just give yourself some credit. She’s the one who fucked up, she left you and.. I won’t forgive her for it. And you don’t have to forgive her either.”

It was jarring - Michael had given him pep talks before but he sounded so.. angry. Though.. his voice still shook with the threat of tears. He’d been content to think Michael had just been putting up with him out of pity for the last year, forgiving him just because he felt bad but.. He cared. Obviously. He cared a lot. It was enough to make him cry again, wheezing as he felt Michael’s hand close around his own across the center console. His grip was loose. Jeremy didn’t mind that their skin clung to each other’s with the heaviness of sweat.

This was love.

This was love, even if he knew it wouldn’t be returned.

Jeremy was learning that love could be many things, all at once. He almost laughed, remembering their conversation in Philly - he’d been trying so hard to ignore all his feelings, unable to process that they could be more than platonic. His first hint was the Beatles song, he’d stared at Michael’s hands the rest of the day, the plucky melody seemed stuck on repeat for hours, ‘I wanna hold your hand.’

Instead of laughing he tried to muffle a choked whine, biting back more tears.

Chapter Text

“Hey.. Jer?” 

They had grabbed some dinner before it got too late but the greasy burgers were slowly going cold in the bag that sat down by Jeremy’s feet. It was edging on ten now, three more hours to go.

“Hmm?” Jeremy raised his head, groggy from his perpetual half napping state that he’d adopted earlier that afternoon and kept the rest of the day.

“I’ve.. been thinking a lot. I’m sorry. I.. really sorry.” 

“I, uh? About what?” He ran a hand through his hair and shifted to sit up straight. The last thing he wanted was to fall asleep while Michael was talking to him.

“Do.. you remember the play?” Michael grimaced a bit. “Well, I guess.. how much do you remember about the play?”

“Uh, I.. I guess like..” Jeremy tried to keep from shutting down, he really had no idea where Michael was going and remembering how he fucked up was just hard. “We were all there.. you showed up? It’s.. really kind of fuzzy. Everyone was everywhere.. since it shut off everything that happened got fuzzier.”

“Do.. you remember..” Michael’s brow furrowed, he hesitated. “I was kind of a dick for a second and.. I’m sorry. And then I held everything over you for.. almost a year and I was thinking about it after we were talking earlier.”

“But.. you saved me. Everyone.”

“Uh, about that,” Michael picked at the steering wheel a bit. “I brought the red and like.. I felt like I had all the answers so I.. wouldn’t give it to you until you apologized. But you couldn’t and looking back with what you told me later I.. it was keeping you from it. You’ve made it clear how much you wanted to apologize over this last year.”

“Micah, I-”

“Let me,” it was soft, almost a bit defeated. “I guess you don’t remember too much because it started, like, controlling you more so I’m not really surprised you can’t remember much and.. we started fighting and you told me that I just like to feel superior and.. ugh. I can’t believe I had no idea you felt that way and so I told you that it’s not that but.. I just knew I was never going to be like everyone else! Then you thought I resented you which.. sucked. I didn’t want you to feel like that either. I just missed you. I was.. kind of jealous. Sometimes I still am? You.. try really hard and you tried really hard to forgive your mom.. and ever since the play I just.. was still hurt but it wasn’t fair of me to be so.. cold the rest of junior year. So I’m sorry. And I’m sorry it took me so long because you’ve tried so hard ever since you got out of the hospital it’s just been bugging me.”

“I forgive you,” Jeremy mumbled it, still reeling from everything Michael told him.

“Then with.. Christine. When she was squipped she said she loved you and.. you could have taken that and had everything you wanted but you told her to drink what was left of the red.. You saved everyone. In the end you were the last step.”

Jeremy finally let himself look up, staring at the side of Michael’s face. It felt so simple, just them and the road. Everything was laid out in front of them and he felt so close to just admitting everything in this moment of vulnerability. Instead he just kept his mouth shut and rested his hand on the center console. After a beat Michael took one hand off the wheel, setting it on top of Jeremy’s.

At some point they made it to a motel in Kansas City and they passed out immediately, falling into bed in uncomfortable dress clothes. They were too exhausted for anything else.

Evidently they were too exhausted to set any alarms either, because when Jeremy slowly came back into consciousness he knew there was no way he woke up before any alarm. As he blinked open his eyes he felt warm, almost uncomfortably so, not to mention he was face to face with the fabric of Michael’s shirt. As he became more conscious he was slowly becoming aware of where he was - there was an arm under his head, holding him close, his cheek was pressed against Michael’s shoulder, their legs were tangled together. Their shared body heat was making him sweat but he wanted to linger for just a minute longer. He was a bit torn though, they needed to get on the road to St. Louis and.. Jeremy actually felt excited. Michael had promised to take him up into the St. Louis arch and he just wanted something fun.

For now.. for now he could wait, though. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Michael’s clothes didn’t smell like weed for once, not even just faintly (there seemed to always be a slight hint if you knew where to check - not that he did). He was able to get Michael’s own scent, fully, he smelled like.. something. Jeremy was too tired to think too hard, a little shampoo smell, a little laundry smell. Also a little sweaty. He huffed and just pressed his eyes shut tighter, snuggling up into Michael’s side. Ten more minutes.

The next time he woke up he was alone. The summer heat still leaked into their motel room but he still felt colder. He always felt colder without Michael. Maybe it was cheesy but he was like the sun in some ways. He brought life and warmth and light. He finally understood all the love poems they’d read in high school. 

If he thought hard enough he was sure he could put Robert Frost to shame - he was sure no one ever had as wonderful a muse as he had now.

“Ready to go?” Michael roused him from his thoughts and he realized he’d been staring as Michael came out of the bathroom. How long had he been looking? “Well, dumb question maybe. Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll find us a place to stop for food on the way out. It’s like.. noon-ish? If we can head out soon we’ll get there at like three.. thirty? Ish.”

“Ughhh,” Jeremy pressed his face into the pillow as he whined - Michael always seemed more composed than him in the mornings. Either way he pulled himself up and made his way towards the bathroom on unsteady feet. It was a new day. A new day with Michael at his side.

“Arch?” Michael pulled into their parking spot at the hotel, they managed to find a nice spot that was only a handful of blocks away. He said it would be easier than finding somewhere to park down by the arch itself so Jeremy wouldn’t argue.

“Yeah yeah,” he tried to push some extra excitement into his tone because despite everything he was excited.

There really wasn’t any reason to drag their bags up to their room other than Jeremy’s quiet paranoia - what if they get stolen from the car? No matter how many times Michael assured him that no one would touch his beautiful pile of junk Jeremy still hesitated in believing him. And every time he caved, anything to put Jeremy at ease.

“Too hot out.” Jeremy groaned as they finally got back outside, passing by Michael’s car. He double checked it was locked. 

“Want me to drive?” There was an air of concern hanging over everything he’d said since they left the funeral. It was comforting, yet vaguely annoying.

“It’s fine, just gonna complain.” He rolled his eyes as they fell into step on the sidewalk. For a moment he let himself get another look at Michael. Despite all his complaining at the end of the day he would thank the heat because it finally reached a point where Michael wasn’t wearing his hoodie. It took a lot of self control for Jeremy to tear his eyes away from Michael’s arms, he was fairly certain that he’d have no problem picking him up. He thought about it longer than he’d ever admit, about Michael’s arms around him.

“Used to it.” Michael let out a short laugh and hooked their arms together.

“Jerk,” it was grumbled with a poorly hidden smile.

“You can’t tell me I’m wrong!” Jeremy felt a tug on his arm as Michael bounced a bit. “I’ll break out the itemized list. Fuck, I should make a list. Title it.. ‘a small collection of complaints’ as told by Jeremiah Heere. Then you look and it’s, like, as thick as your head. Also it’s a book now. Not a list. I should be an English major.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“And yet.. here you are!”

That was enough to get Jeremy to crack, finally giving off a real smile as he leaned into Michael a bit more. He let his head drop a bit so he could bump it against Michael’s shoulder affectionately. “Here to stay.”

“Getting my hopes up?”

It was just teasing and for the first time Jeremy didn’t wince. He wouldn’t be writing a full stand up routine any time soon but it was nice to joke and not think too hard about how it related to the past. Besides, it made his heart do the fluttering thing and.. it was different than when it was with Christine. With her he could step back and breathe and find a moment of peace. It was nearly constant now and nothing he did could quiet his feelings, even for a moment. He was, as the kids say, fucked.

“Okay.. I hate this.” Jeremy’s hands gripped tightly onto the fabric of his shorts as the elevator started moving. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t some futuristic-looking pod elevator with seats! At least it was uncharacteristically quiet and they had the elevator to themselves. Maybe he could get lucky every once in a while.

Michael stuck his hand out and for a moment Jeremy just kept glancing between it and his face. Their knees were pressed together in the tight space but it wasn’t quite enough to ground him. Michael had noticed. Jeremy gave a shaky smile and grabbed his hand, trying not to think too hard about it. He was only trying to help his anxiety, it was a friend thing. Obviously.

“Good?” Jeremy could only nod in response, pulling Michael’s hand into his lap so he could squeeze with both of his hands. With a breathy laugh Michael just leaned forward, accommodating. After a few minutes they were finally at the top and Jeremy practically scrambled out of the elevator, dropping Michael’s hand to make his escape easier. Now was the fun part. Or so he’d been told.

“C’mon, look.” Michael slipped past him, leading the way across the corridor. Each side was lined with windows and despite his fears Jeremy leaned to peak out one - he didn’t want to waste the whole trip up, after all. 

The height was dizzying at first but Michael stood next to him. At some point they started holding hands again. “Shit, oh my good, look.”

Jeremy let his gaze drift in the direction Michael was pointing in to see a group of people gathered down in the plaza under the arch. They were arranged in an almost semi-circle, even if it was shaky and, oh-

“Holy shit, they’re the arch!” He broke into a fit of laughter, leaning heavily on Michael. “I don’t know why but that’s so funny?”

“I know! Who needs this when they’re making their own arch!”

While the view had been beautiful Jeremy was glad to be back on solid ground, knees still a bit shaky from the ride back down. Seeing Michael grin at him, though.. he’d do it again in a heartbeat. Instead they just wandered over to the gift shop, a little perusing never hurt anyone. They picked over knick-knacks - little wooden sculptures to little metal arches. Michael’s hand hovered over them, hesitating. He decided against it and just followed Jeremy over to a display covered in shirts. 

Most of the designs were tacky and they were threatening to buy them for each other until Michael landed on a hat. It was both horrible and.. not that bad. The colors were muted in a nice, washed out way - the front was blue with an embroidered logo and the brim was red. The back of it was a tan mesh. Horrible yet great.

“If I buy this will you wear it? Holy shit, please Jer.”

How could he say no to him?

When they finally walked back outside the hat sat snugly on Jeremy’s head, flattening his bangs down enough that he had to brush them away from his eye. Michael’s grin made up for the fact that it didn’t match his outfit.

“I’ve been saving this, but I think it’s time.” 

The rest of the day had been uneventful. Jeremy was thankful for that, at least. It was nice to just wander without much direction after they left the arch. For the first time in days they also sat down somewhere to eat rather than going through a drive-thru. They also turned in fairly early, getting back to the hotel before nine. 

“Hm?” Jeremy looked up from his phone to watch Michael dig through his bag.

“Since we have a little balcony with this room.” He raised up a small bag. They hadn’t smoked together in a while and any time they got high they usually used Michael’s bong because Jeremy did not handle joints well. “Sorry, didn’t want to risk breaking any glass so I just brought joint stuff.”

“‘s fine, dude. It’s not like I helped you pay for it.” Jeremy set his phone down on the nightstand and slid off the bed, going to stand next to the balcony door. “I don’t need any.”

“Who are you kidding. You need some sort of break, man.” Michael’s tongue poked out from his lips as he focused on rolling the joint. After a few minutes he rose to his feet, moving next to Jeremy and opening the sliding door. “After you.”

Jeremy stepped outside and was pleasantly surprised by the nice breeze. The day had been uncomfortably warm so it was very welcomed. He heard the door slide shut and felt Michael’s shoulder brush his own. Before he even lit it Jeremy was scrambling to say something to fill the space, “it’s fine man, I don’t need any you can just have it.”

“Come on, you’ve earned it. Here, what about this?” He was already lighting the joint, taking a long inhale off of it before turning his face towards Jeremy, holding his breath.

“I-I’m fine, really I don’t wanna take your..” Jeremy met his gaze and all bets were off, his face felt hot as Michael leaned forward. Their lips were only inches apart when Michael finally blew out the smoke.

“This way we both get to use all of it and you don’t have to choke on it.” 

All Jeremy could do was nod, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to really formulate any coherent string of words.

They lowered themselves to sit down, lazily looking out off the balcony. There wasn’t really much to see - the hotel pool was lit up beneath them and there was some cityscape to look out at but.. Jeremy just wanted to look at Michael. He leaned over again and Jeremy met him halfway, eyes falling shut on a reflex. When he opened them again he saw Michael looking back, eyes half-lidded as he let the smoke drift from his lips. His breath was warm against Jeremy’s lips and he just wanted to close that space. Before he could do anything to mess up the moment Michael pulled back, taking a moment to pause before pulling another hit.

Again he leaned over - Jeremy swore he was closer now because when he moved to lean in himself their noses bumped. It caused Michael to giggle, the smoke slipping out. Jeremy took it all in, his laugh, the smoke, everything. Their foreheads pressed together.

After a moment they separated, taking a second to compose themselves. They didn’t talk, they didn’t have to. It was nice to just be quiet, the only noises soft giggles when they caught each other’s eye.

Another hit.

They both leaned in without any hesitation, noses brushing. They waited an extra beat before pulling back again.

Another hit.

Another.

How was it already almost gone?

(It wasn’t really that much weed.)

When Michael took the last hit he put out the little bit that was left on the floor of the balcony, holding his breath to turn his face to Jeremy. He’d already leaned in, waiting, so when Michael turned they were closer than either thought. Their foreheads touched and when Michael finally exhaled their lips touched, just barely. Jeremy nearly shuddered, hands balled into fists. Was this.. kissing? Was he kissing Michael?

They stayed still even after the smoke dissipated. Jeremy barely registered the sound of Michael swallowing. His breaths were short, eyes half-lidded. They didn’t quite kiss but they didn’t not kiss. Their faces were close enough that their lips just brushed.

Nearly a minute passed before either of them pulled away.

Dear.. diary? Dear notes app? Fuck??

this is weird i’m not really sure why i’m doing this? michael fell asleep and i can’t sleep. i can’t stop thinkng about kissing him. kissing him again? not sure if that counts.

my therpist said i should start journaling and i never really wanted to before but i dunno i feel weird i guess. and i usually talk to micah but i can’t really talk to him about this

its also weird the last time i wrote anything here was the. yeah. note. suicide note. huh. weird to say that. or type that i guess. i feel better than i did then and better than i did with the squip and better than the first year without it i feel great with michael

great and horrible because i want him so bad. i thought iwanted christine but……… this is like way worse. and it took me so long to even realize i feel stupd. we could have maybe already been together years ago maybe he used to think about liking me. probably not now. not that i think he really would think of me like that but

if he did he must be over it. weve known each other so long

how did i not know?

i guess we both changed but i think ive always loved him deep down somewhere so why didnt i know. what if its fake what if its not real??? ? woulsnt i have known!!

but i know its real

im looking at him asleep next to me. his face loooks soft even though hes a little scruffy. his hair is falling in his face and hes snoring a little even if he swears he doesnt. he smells good hes so warm i want him to just hold me. i know its real or as real as it can be

of course i fall in love with him. someone ill be around forever but can never have just another cruel trick from this stupid world

at least i have him. even if its not the way i want. i get to be with him in some way. i guess thats lucky

fuck

if hes gonna do that every time we smoke i swear im going to shatter his bong no second thoufhts

im going to bed. jeez

Chapter Text

12:25 am

how do you know if it's a kiss
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12:44 am

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Did you mean: i’m fucked

“Ready?” For once Jeremy was, pulling on some socks, the trip wasn’t too long so they actually got to sleep in again. They had a habit of getting up at the same time when that happened. He tried to force down any disappointment - they were just going back to normal.

Not that he expected anything.

He just assumed..

Nothing.

“Yeah.”

“Chicago!”

“Chicago.” Jeremy hoped his grin was convincing. If it wasn’t he could probably play it off easily, he hadn’t been having the best week. That was enough cover for him.

“We’ll get there like.. a little past three. We can just play food by ear.”

Jeremy nodded, pretending to be engrossed in tying his shoes. If Michael noticed he didn’t say anything.

The day passed by like nothing. The few times Jeremy had managed to focus his eyes and be present he just kept quiet, talking only when he needed to. He barely even remembered lunch-

“Field Museum. Contemporary Art. Or.. Science and Industry?”

“Uh,” Jeremy shook his head, scooting so he could sit up straight. They’d passed into Illinois some time ago, he registered the sign before he fell back into whatever state he was in. “Well.. we went to the other science museum thing. Don’t know if I could focus on art. Doesn’t the Field Museum have that t. rex skeleton?”

“SUE! Our they/them icon! There’s a whole twitter page for them! The.. like, best preserved skeleton for the t. rex that we have. It’s like 90% complete.”

Right. Michael was a dinosaur kid. And a wolf kid. And a space kid. And-

“Why don’t we go there then?” Even if it wasn’t as bright as it could be his smile was still real because Michael looked over the moon. “I’m gonna look up the exhibits. Gotta streamline the best museum visit.”

“You know me too well.”

Jeremy wasn’t quite sure of that anymore. He didn’t know what happened last night or what it meant. He didn’t know why Michael didn’t bring it up. All he knew was the list of exhibits on his phone now. He scrolled through, humming lowly. Any fossils were 100% a go. Besides SUE there was a.. titanosaur? Jeremy tapped on it and scrolled through the description. All he needed to see was ‘biggest dinosaur’ and he knew they had to see it. The exhibit was also presented in Spanish - Michael liked any opportunity to flaunt his known languages and Jeremy thought it was cute.

If they had time they’d head to the nature walk, while things like taxidermy tended to creep Jeremy out he reasoned that they were presented behind glass in little environments. It was different from a full exhibit about taxidermy - which they had and they would be avoiding.

“Dude!” Michael practically squeaked and despite the emotional exhaustion that Jeremy was feeling he couldn’t help his bright smile. He did love the guy. The guy who was practically bouncing as he craned his neck to look up at a fossil exhibit. His movements drew attention and a quiet panic flashed in his eyes, he tried to contain his excitement, instead clenching and unclenching his fists and practically grinding his teeth. He gave Jeremy a closed mouth smile. “Apatosaurus!”

Michael had always had a soft spot for sauropods. Jeremy knew that.

“72 feet long,” Michael spoke quieter but with nearly twice the excitement as he held his arms out for emphasis. Jeremy breathed a quiet laugh and moved to stand next to him. Michael hooked their arms together. “33 tons. And get this, it’s not even the biggest sauropod. There’s bigger.”

Oh boy, did Jeremy have news for him.

“I know, they actually have an exhibit with the biggest one. I was gonna bring you over there after this part.” Michael stared at him, nearly slack jawed. Jeremy felt his heart flutter a bit. 

“Holy shit, a man after my own heart.”

Jeremy bit his tongue so that he wouldn’t wince.

“Plus, the exhibit is in English and Spanish, so,” Jeremy smiled sheepishly as Michael pulled him in closer, practically vibrating with excitement. It wasn’t like he made the exhibits or dug up the fossils, but the way Michael looked at him.. he never wanted it to end.

“Thanks, Jer.”

“Huh?” Jeremy scrunched up his face a bit and pretended to be reading the information on the plaque in front of him. His face was already getting uncomfortably warm.

“For doing all this stuff with me. Despite the obvious this has been.. a really good trip.”

Michael was never one for subtlety - Jeremy was sure he wasn’t talking about the kiss. While it made his heart sink a bit it still felt good to hear. He was right, despite the disappointment of not being able to get any proper closure.. he felt good. For the most part. He was able to spend every day with Michael. He got to share a bed with him. It was more than he could have ever hoped for so he tried to be grateful.

After an hour and a half Jeremy could safely determine that he’d watch Michael stare at dinosaur bones for hours. (This was also love, he was sure.) Even when he couldn’t understand the facts that were being relayed back to him - he took French in high school, not Spanish! Maybe it was better he didn’t understand, he just liked to hear the words fall off Michael’s tongue. If anything, sometimes he liked to listen to him speak Tagalog more than Spanish because it was harder for him to understand. Was that weird? Michael’s voice was just.. so pretty and it was easier to listen to it when he had no clue what he was saying. Maybe he just also thought it was kind of hot that he knew three languages. (And he planned on learning French in college so he could talk to Jeremy with it!)

jeremy (5:02 pm): were in chicago today home in only a few days! either wednesday or thursday
jeremy (5:03 pm): just thought id say something
jeremy (5:04 pm): and uh
jeremy (5:04 pm): i think im in love with michael and im not really sure who to tell and were working on the whole father son thing and talking about things

They didn’t make it to the nature walk but Jeremy wasn’t too bothered. He couldn’t find himself bothered when Michael said they absolutely needed to go down to the bean, either. Despite the fact that it was a few blocks away and it was summer. Michael promised dinner and making fun of pretentious artists, how could he say no? (Cloud Gate was a stupid name! It looked like a bean!)

“You’re telling me this is really called Cloud Gate?” Jeremy scrunched up his face, looking up at the reflective sculpture. Michael bumped their shoulders together before just slumping and leaning on him a bit as he pulled out his phone.

“Yeah, right? It’s just a bean. Literally a metal bean.” Jeremy watched as he unlocked his phone and pointed it up to take a picture of their reflections. At the same time he slung his free arm around Jeremy’s shoulders, pulling him in so their cheeks nearly touched, throwing up a peace sign. Jeremy’s breath caught for a second until he composed himself enough to give his own double peace sign. After he took the picture he moved to take Jeremy’s hand, dragging him towards the middle where they could stand under the curve of the sculpture, lowering himself to sit on the ground, patting the spot next to him. “C’mon!”

At least he saw other people doing similar pictures, it made him feel less weird about laying on the ground. He followed, lowering himself to sit next to Michael. Before he could move Michael reached up and put his arm around Jeremy’s shoulder, pulling him down until he was laying (careful not to hit his head on the ground). The sudden movement drew a squeak from Jeremy - his face flushed and on instinct he curled in on himself, burying his face in the crook of Michael’s neck. When he peeked up he saw Michael taking a picture of their reflection like that, Jeremy practically laying on top of him. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel a bit special, that that was the sort of picture Michael wanted to take. If he sent it to any of their friends he knew they’d immediately all draw the same conclusion.

He just wanted it to be right.

So he imagined it, even as Michael got up, offering his hand to help Jeremy. Even as they walked over to a little cafe across the street. Even as they ordered food. He imagined everyone’s faces when they heard the news. Christine would be happy for them, she’d put on a big smile and hug them both tight, spitballing congratulations a mile a minute. Rich would laugh - not in a mean way - in a ‘I called it’ way and Jeremy would roll his eyes but then Rich would hug him and look happy, genuinely. Jake would react like Christine but louder, he’d pull Jeremy into a crushing hug that lifted him off the ground. Jenna would gush and then she’d publicly congratulate them on her social media (after getting their approval) because it wasn’t gossip - she was just so happy for them and wanted to share that. Brooke would be quiet and sweet, she’d tell Michael about how lucky he was because Jeremy was a ‘sweet boy’ even if they hadn’t been made to last, she’d look wistful, maybe. Chloe would roll her eyes and say it was about time but Jeremy would catch her smiling, he’d laugh and she would relax a bit, letting her guard down when she remembered they were working on the whole being friends thing.

“I know it’s not that late,” Michael’s voice cut into his thoughts, “but the walk to the hotel is kind of.. maybe twenty minutes. Plus the sun is setting. I wish we had more time but I’m, like, totally exhausted man.”

At some point they’d finished eating and Michael was leading him back outside. He really needed to work on living in the moment.

“Yeah.. I kinda just want to lay down.”

“Let’s do it then. No one’s stopping us. We’re adults!”

“We’re adults.” Jeremy smiled and Michael returned his own - lopsided.

“How are.. you feeling?” Michael mumbled it into the dark. Jeremy could have pretended to be asleep, they’d laid down and shut all the lights off around 11. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but he wasn’t surprised they were both still up, much like every sleepover they’d ever had.

“Uh,” Jeremy cleared his throat, rolling onto his side to face Michael. In the darkness he could just barely make out the shape of his face. “I don’t know, man.”

“I..” Michael’s brow furrowed a bit and he licked his lips. “Tell me about it?”

It was something they worked out for those times where Jeremy wasn’t sure where to start so Michael just asked him to talk. The avalanche of words usually led to some sort of coherent thought.

“It just feels weird.. everything?” Jeremy fought to keep himself from rolling back onto his back in fear. It was too dark to really meet each other’s eyes but there was still vulnerability in facing each other like they were. “Everything, everything. Not just my mom and stuff. Graduating. Being here with you is.. weird?”

“Oh.” Michael sounded.. hurt? Jeremy saw his form shrink back a bit.

“Like,” he scrambled for any words to fix whatever he’d done, “like.. it’s just weird. We haven’t been.. close in a while. It’s like we’re almost normal again.”

“Do.. you want us to be normal again?”

“I.. don’t know.” No. He wanted to be more than normal. “Yes because I missed you but no because we’ve changed? Being at the same level we were like.. connection-wise is going to look different now, right?”

“I think so.” There was a beat of silence. “Hey.. can I do something weird?”

“Yes.” Jeremy was blurting it out as soon as Michael finished and he mentally cursed at himself. Stupid. He must have sounded so desperate.

“How do you feel, though?” The mattress creaked as Michael shifted, moving to slip an arm under Jeremy’s head. “I know.. you weren’t doing great. Haven’t been.”

“Yeah, uh.” Jeremy just lifted his head to let Michael put his arm there. “Eating has been hard. Graduating was hard. I’m like anxious constantly. Been feeling.. gross I guess. Forgot my facewash.”

Michael just hummed and his other hand slid up to rest on Jeremy’s cheek.

“D-Don’t touch it.. ‘s all gross and bumpy.” He couldn’t help but wince at the touch. He was well aware of the acne scars and of the texture now covering his cheeks.

“Let me?” Michael’s voice was impossibly soft and it made Jeremy want to just melt into a puddle.

“Why?” There was a slight shake to his voice.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” When he put it like that it seemed so simple, his thumb brushing over Jeremy’s cheek. “There’s never been anything wrong with you. It.. sucks to hear how you view yourself. That’s my best friend, be nice to him, alright?”

Jeremy’s breath rushed out in a shudder as Michael’s hand slid down his face, moving to brush over his shoulders before sliding down to hover over his hip, not quite touching. There had to be some sort of boundary.

“I’m really proud of you. You’ve been eating almost every meal. Even if you don’t like what you see. Every part of you is you and.. yeah. I was worried but you’ve been doing great.”

“Why are.. you..” Jeremy’s words slipped out between gasps as a few stray tears slipped from his eyes. Michael made it very easy to love him and very hard to deal with the aftermath of loving him when he didn’t love you back.

“Because I want you to hear it. I know I’m usually all dumb and stuff but.. all those years I had no clue how hard it was for you. And.. I thought we could just joke and I’d cheer you up but.. I remember talking to you a few months ago and it came up very briefly and off-hand but you, like.. said that, like, you just need like.. genuine reassurance. I just want to make up for those years where I was trying to help my way and try to do it your way.”

Jeremy choked back a sob and leaned into Michael’s touch when he brought his hand back up to his face.

“I thought.. maybe if we can’t quite get back to normal then maybe we can make a new normal.”

“You’re getting.. b-better at this.” Jeremy reached up to rub at his face.

“Huh?”

“Mushy feelings talk. You’re g-getting better at it. Thanks.”

“Well, I’ve always thought this stuff.. I just didn’t realize that you wanted to hear it.”

Jeremy fell asleep with his face pressed into Michael’s shoulder.

Chapter Text

In the end it was easier to just drive. After Chicago they were both exhausted - emotionally, physically, mentally. You name it. Jeremy was fine with taking their last day to decompress. Michael had planned on driving seven or eight hours, stopping to relax and sleep, and then driving the last five or so hours home the following day. All at once he longed to stay on this trip and just to go home, after the night before he wanted to spend all and none of his time curled up against Michael’s side in a stuffy hotel room. It was.. amazing, maybe too amazing. A taste of everything he wanted with the quiet, painful reminder that he couldn’t truly have it. That’s why he needed the space. Even if he didn’t want it.

“Ready to go home?” Michael kept his eyes ahead as he spoke.

“Not really? But also, yeah. I’m ready to not sit in a car all day anymore but.. I’m gonna miss..” He trailed off. There were a lot of things he’d miss: sharing a bed, Michael watching over him so closely, something new to do everyday. It was better to just rip that band aid off and finally go home. 

“Yeah. It’ll be weird not seeing you like.. constantly.” Michael glanced away from the road to look at him briefly, a soft smile lighting up his face. “I’ll probably still see you like.. almost everyday though, I bet. There’s plenty of slushie runs we gotta make. And.. we still have to beat level nine. Promise?” 

Jeremy looked up to see Michael holding out his hand, pinkie extended. He smiled, raising his own to link them together. After a moment they relaxed and lowered their (still connected) hands to rest on the center console between them.

“We can’t miss free slushie day.” For once there was no tenseness when referring to their rockiness - neither had gone on 7/11 the previous year because they still weren’t quite regularly talking. But when Jeremy said it there was nothing hidden behind his words, there was  no jab or subtly masked hurt. He was just happy, excited, that they could indulge in each other’s presence freely again.

“Dude, hell yeah. It never comes soon enough.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy’s voice trailed off, soft as he looked out the window. Their hands were still connected. He looked out the window, falling quiet for a second before he started to speak again. “I.. can’t wait. To catch up on everything with you.”

“I missed us.”

“Me t-too.”

“Na-miss kita.”

There was a beat where Jeremy was waiting for the translation that usually came. This time it didn’t.

“Hey! No fair, you promised to translate!” Jeremy leaned over and playfully swatted at his arm, Michael shrugged, biting back a laugh.

“Sobrang na-miss kita.”

“Michael!” Jeremy practically squawked, laughing shrilly.

“Na-miss mo ba ako?”

The drive was largely uneventful, it was like there was something hanging in the air between them the longer they drove and Jeremy wasn’t quite sure of the exact cause. He napped for a bit and when he couldn’t get himself to nap any longer he played games on his phone. Michael was listening to a playlist of his non-English music and Jeremy couldn’t help but wonder if that meant something.

“Hey.” He sat up a bit straighter, setting his phone in his lap. “Teach me a new word in Tagalog?”

“Mm?” Michael’s hand snapped to turn the volume down and he gave Jeremy a brief glance. “Oh, yeah. Hm. Okay, more than a word but bear with me?”

“Always.”

Michael smiled, keeping his eyes on the road ahead of them.

“Okay, hm.. what about.. pansinin mo ko. Got it?”

“Pan.. pansin..in. Mo ko?” Jeremy scrunched up his face a bit. It wasn’t great but it was better than the first time he’d tried to speak any Tagalog.

“Faster.”

“Pansinin mo.. ko. Pan..pansinin mo ko?”

“Better.”

“What does it mean?” Fingers picked at a stray thread on his shorts.

“Notice me. You can hit me with that one when I’m a bit.. gone.” Michael raised a hand to tap at his temple, a slight frown crossing his face. It may have been different but Michael had his moments, moments where he just shut down and got a bit lost. Just like Jeremy or Rich.

Jeremy tucked that one in the back of his mind, filed away under important.

“Michael Mell, how the fuck did you get that?” Jeremy sat up a bit straighter in the bed. Michael was meant to be getting them dinner and while he did have a big bag of takeout in one hand he had a plastic bag in the other hand, holding a two-liter of coke and a bottle of vodka.

“Rich and I have fakes.”

Right.

“You’re so lucky you didn’t get caught.”

“Kyut ka.” From his tone Jeremy knew he was teasing, using that stupid baby voice. Jeremy let out a huff, crossing his arms. “Hey, Jer. Chill. I just wanted to celebrate with you.” Michael kicked the door shut behind him and set the bag of food on the bed next to him.

“Celebrate?”

“I don’t know! This trip is weird. I just want us to have a good last night.” There was something in his tone that was.. guarded and Jeremy bit his tongue. Were they still going to keep secrets from each other?

“Fine,” Jeremy sighed and let his shoulders relax. He rolled his eyes and Michael breathed out a laugh, setting the drinks on the floor next to the bed before climbing up to sit next to Jeremy. They didn’t usually eat in bed but there was a first time for everything. “Hey.. you usually don’t talk this much Tagalog..?”

“Oh, yeah. My mom has been using it a ton, we’re visiting her sister later this summer and she wants me to.. like brush up? Besides, it’s funny to see that look on your face.”

“I don’t do a look!”

“Ahh, siyempre. What was I thinking?”

“Hey!”

Michael just let out a snort of a laugh, reaching into the bag to pull out the food. There was a vegetable sushi roll and some spring rolls for Jeremy and a crab, tuna, and salmon roll for Michael. There was a handful of soy sauce packets and two sets of chopsticks. He passed Jeremy the two takeout boxes with his food. 

Whatever had hung in the air earlier had seemed to wear off. At least enough so that Michael was fine shifting until their shoulders touched, popping open his sushi. Usually he’d dip them in soy sauce but without a proper table to eat at he just poured the sauce over the rolls. With that Jeremy noticed he’d been staring at Michael’s hands for a bit too long - pulling his gaze away to his own food.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to go home,” Michael sighed, balancing his food on his lap as he pulled out his chopsticks. He rubbed at his face before picking up one of the crab rolls and popping it in his mouth.

“Yeah.. me either. I’m gonna be glad to not be on the road but.. yeah.” Jeremy opened up his box with spring rolls, picking one up with his fingers. “It’ll be nice to have my bed and games but.. I’ve had a lot of fun.”

“We’re gonna have to go to Chicago again sometime.” Michael tossed him a slight smile, tipping his head to the side. “I didn’t realize how much I missed going to museums.”

“We’ve got all summer.”

Michael seemed to wince a bit, just shoving another sushi roll in his mouth as he tried to hide it.

Jeremy tried not to feel hurt - it really seemed like he was hiding something.

“On three?” Jeremy swirled his cup, just a plastic hotel cup that was meant for water. Instead there was some vodka at the bottom, it was supposed to be equivalent to shot but Michael was a little heavy handed.

“Tatlo!” Michael skipped right to three, throwing back his shot and squeezing his eyes closed. Jeremy followed suit, scrambling to keep up. He grimaced as the vodka burned his throat and he coughed a bit. When he opened his eyes he saw Michael holding a cup out to him, this one full of coke. Jeremy took it gratefully, quickly drinking it to cover up the lingering taste of vodka.

“Okay.. that sucked.” Jeremy coughed again, shaking his head. “Let’s do another.”

“Atta boy!” Michael practically bounced in excitement, cross-legged on the bed. He leaned over to the nightstand, setting their cups down to pour another two shots. Setting the bottle down he passed Jeremy’s cup back to him. The cup of coke sat on the nightstand, still ready to be a chaser.

Jeremy took it, bumping their glasses together before he took the second shot. Michael let out a quiet ‘whoop’ and took his own shot, passing Jeremy the cup of coke again.

“Shit. Ugh.” Jeremy groaned, shaking his head. “Gross.”

“I can pour you some vodka and coke, easier to drink.” Jeremy just nodded in response, already feeling a bit warm. He gave the empty vodka cup and the cup of coke back to Michael who set them back on the nightstand. Jeremy let his head drop against Michael’s shoulder, already feeling a bit warm and fuzzy.

Before he knew it Michael was putting a cup back into his hand. Sitting up he drank nearly a fourth of it, leaning back against Michael heavily. Was he really that much of a lightweight? He didn’t have to look to feel Michael shifting to take another shot. Apparently he hadn’t been kidding when he said he wanted to have a good night.

“May.. uh, itsura ka.” Michael practically mumbled. If Jeremy was any more coherent he would have reprimanded Michael for taking three shots in less than ten minutes. Instead he just nursed his vodka and coke.

“Huh?” 

Michael just broke into a fit of laughter, putting his empty cup on the nightstand. Instead of pouring anymore drinks he threw an arm around Jeremy’s shoulder, humming quietly. The touch was warm and Jeremy leaned back into him, he downed the rest of his drink, wincing as he hit the bottom where most of the vodka was. There was definitely more vodka in that drink than the shots. He would have been more careful but something came over him and he fumbled to set the cup to the side so he could collapse against Michael.

“Too much - ugh,” Jeremy groaned, rubbing at his face. “Maybe.. I shouldn’t have drank that whole.. thing.”

“You’re such a lightweight! We barely had any,” Michael blurted it out with a sharp laugh that made Jeremy want to argue. Obviously Michael wasn’t holding his alcohol any better. It was laughable, really, and he was sure if any of their other friends were around they would absolutely get roasted for the state they were in.

Jeremy didn’t care about any of that, though. All he cared about was how warm Michael felt. He snuggled up under Michael’s arm and moved to wrap his own arms around the other’s middle, mumbling into his shoulder. “Teach me something else. In Tagalog.”

“Are you gonna remember if I tell you?” His tone was teasing, he leaned to press his nose into Jeremy’s hair.

“I’m fine!” Jeremy jumped up, bumping his head into Michael’s nose in his effort to sit up. He practically crawled into Michael’s lap, squirming out of his grip so he could shift to where he could press his palms to squish Michael’s cheeks. “I’m totally coherent!”

“Alright, fine.” Michael giggled, leaning into Jeremy’s hands. “Ang gwapo.”

“Ang.. Ang guw.. gwapo?” Jeremy furrowed his brow, shifting again until he was perched on Michael’s lap. He loosened his grip so he wasn’t squishing Michael’s face anymore, giving him more range to talk.

“So handsome,” it was practically a coo, though Michael would play it off as just using that teasing voice he loved to use on Jeremy.

With a squeak Jeremy floundered for something to say, pulling his hands back towards his chest. When he couldn’t think of anything he just leaned forward, burying his face in Michael’s shoulder. His mind was too fuzzy to make any sort of quip in response and instead of blurting out some drunken confession of love he settled on silence.

Keeping his eyes squeezed shut he pressed close, wrapping his fingers in Michael’s shirt. His skin felt like it was burning and his head was spinning - the alcohol was only partially to blame. A short gasp fell from his lips as he felt Michael shift, sliding down with Jeremy leaning on his chest. When Jeremy peeked up he saw that they were laying now.

“Gustong-gusto kita.”

Jeremy braced his hands against Michael’s chest, sitting up to look down at him. He furrowed his brows, not able to even begin trying to pick apart whatever Michael said to him. Instead he just stared down, eyes half-closed as he stared at Michael’s lips. Before he could think it over words were tumbling from his mouth, “keep talking.. like that.”

A look crossed Michael’s face, Jeremy swore he heard a quiet gasp.

“Ang ganda ng mga labi mo.” A dopey grin crossed Michael’s lips and he moved his hands, draping them around Jeremy’s waist - his voice only slurred a little. His face was lit up with a blush, eyes trained on Jeremy’s face intently. “Ah.. Umiibig ako, Jer.”

“Your voice.. is pretty in Tagalog.” One of Jeremy’s hands hesitantly moved to brush Michael’s hair away from his forehead.

“Gusto mo ba ako?” Michael’s brow furrowed a bit and he leaned into Jeremy’s touch. 

“I’m gonna learn it.. one, ah, one day. So I can.. understand you.” His hand moved down to cup Michael’s face now.

“Gusto kitang i-kiss.. ah, uh,” Michael scrunched up his face and Jeremy’s breath caught - Did he hear that right? Michael didn’t seem as caught up in what he said, just caught up in slipping into tag-lish, knowing his mom would tell him to be more proper. He slipped into it too easy, only trying to correct himself when he happened to notice. “Gusto kitang halikan.”

Jeremy decided to take the chance (kiss, had he heard kiss?), his body felt like it was buzzing.. and what did he have to lose? (A lot but it was unimportant for the time being.) He lowered himself back down, pressing his forehead against Michael’s. His breath smelled like alcohol, making Jeremy scrunch up his nose before he pressed forward. When their lips met everything else seemed to disappear. All they knew was each other.

Michael’s lips were soft, impossibly soft. It felt like every ounce of stress Jeremy ever felt just disappeared, he nearly went limp against Michael, feeling like putty.

It wasn’t a great kiss, Jeremy could tell that much, even if he really hadn’t kissed much in his 18 years of life. They practically slobbered on each other, Jeremy’s hands trying to pull him impossibly close. Michael seemed to have some more restraint, his hands moved to hover over Jeremy’s hips (not quite touching), but there was still a desperation in the way he kissed - he pressed forward, bumping their noses harshly. It may not have been what Jeremy had imagined, but it was still more than he could have ever hoped for.

When they finally separated Jeremy tried not to be too grossed out by the slight string of saliva, raising his arm to wipe at his lips. When he glanced back down he saw Michael, breathless and glowing. His pupils were blown wide, eyes hooded.  

“Jer?” His voice was breathy, low. Jeremy couldn’t help but lean down again, pressing his hand to Michael’s cheek as they kissed - caught someplace between a peck and making out, not quite either.

Michael hummed against his lips and Jeremy groaned, moving his hand to curl gently into his hair. His other hand moved up too, brushing over Michael’s cheek. Before he could get any more lost in the moment Michael was making a noise again, hands pressing on Jeremy’s shoulders until he finally leaned back.

“Michael?” Dread flooded Jeremy’s chest and he scrambled back off of Michael’s lap, drawing his arms in tight to his body. Sudden nausea washed over him - had Michael not wanted to kiss him? Why did he kiss back? Why-

“Gonna throw.. up.. fuck.” Michael rolled over until he could slide off the bed, stumbling as he headed for the bathroom.

That put Jeremy at ease, at least a bit. Maybe Michael didn’t regret it. That was for sober them to talk about though because Michael was dropping to his knees in front of the toilet looking like he went through hell and back. In the interest of helping Jeremy scrambled off the bed, holding his hands out to catch himself if he fell, making his own shaky way to the bathroom. He used the door frame for support before sinking to the ground at Michael’s side.

He seemed alright for the moment, bracing himself in case he was actually going to throw up. Awkwardly, Jeremy reached out, rubbing Michael’s back lightly. It got his attention and he turned his head (slowly) so he could meet Jeremy’s gaze.

“Ikaw ang lahat sa akin.” Michael’s voice was a bit shaky, taking pauses between words, and something crossed his face. It made Jeremy want to cry. He also tried to make a mental note to ask if there was a reason Michael was speaking more Tagalog when he was drunk. As far as he was aware Tagalog and English were Michael’s first languages when he was a kid, maybe it was just more familiar to him? Especially with getting back into the habit of using it more for his upcoming trip. Thoughts started pinballing around Jeremy’s head - if he said he was free would Michael invite him? He’d always talked about how beautiful the country was.. he could meet Michael’s family and..

Nope. Too much wandering.

He needed to just pay attention to Michael for now.

Chapter Text

“Jer, ugh. Fuck. Jer, wake up, we gotta make.. out.. make.. check.. check out time.” Michael’s voice was groggy, he didn’t sound great.

“Okay, okay.” Jeremy winced as he rolled over, rubbing at his face.  He supposed he could have felt worse - his head hurt, but not his stomach. “Are you alright?”

When he finally cracked an eye open he saw Michael looking down at him, bleary-eyed, hair messy. His arms were wrapped around his middle and he was practically shivering.

“I didn’t think I was such a lightweight. I almost wish I’d just throw up and get it over with. Feel like shit.” He let out a groan, holding onto his head as he turned around, finishing repacking everything into his bag. Jeremy watched him lazily, his head was fuzzy.. but.. He remembered. Enough so, that is. He remembered feeling Michael’s hands, his lips. Did.. Michael remember? He didn’t look good. Well, Jeremy thought he always looked good - but he also looked like shit.

“Are you.. s-sure you’re good?” Jeremy finally pushed himself up so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. After a minute he got up, heading towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. He left the door open, peeking out almost halfway through to make sure Michael hadn’t collapsed. “Okay.. I’ll finish packing my stuff, you go check out. Then you can bring the car over? I’ll finish the packing.”

Michael looked up from where he was staring down at his bag, slowly getting to his feet was a low groan. He rubbed at his face under his glasses before making his way towards the door. “Okay. Okay. Gonna.. do that.”

Jeremy’s face creased in worry, he supposed Michael would be okay to head to the lobby, though. It wouldn’t do any good to make a big deal out of it - Michael could handle himself. He was an adult.

Besides.. Historically Jeremy wasn’t the best at helping.

The least he could do was not be overbearing.

So he helped how he could, scanning the room from top to bottom to make sure they weren’t leaving anything behind. With that out of the way he packed up their bags and gave one last quick scan. Once he was satisfied with his checking and double checking he hefted up both bags and headed out the door. It felt weird leaving, even if he’d left plenty of hotels and motels the whole trip. It wasn’t like they made out in every one they’d stayed at. His cheeks heated up again at the memory of it. He was trying not to get too caught up in the fact Michael hadn’t said anything - he’d just woken up after all.

“Hey,” Michael’s voice snapped him back to reality, he’d met him down in the parking lot, reaching to take his bag from Jeremy to lighten the load. He still sounded horrible. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” Jeremy swallowed thickly, tightening his grip on his own bag as they headed towards the car. “You?”

“Ready as I can be.” 

There was something buried there that Jeremy couldn’t quite pick out. He furrowed his brows and tossed his bag in the back before getting into the passenger seat. It didn’t feel quite real anymore. The funeral seemed so long ago, it all felt like a lifetime ago. Now it was just like.. two friends on a road trip. His mom didn’t even feel relevant.

Either way, it felt weird to finally go home.

Five more hours.

“Hungry?” Michael didn’t look at him, starting the car and backing out of their parking spot.

Something told him that Michael wasn’t hungry and it gave him an out. 

“Nah.”

The silence was uncomfortable.

An hour passed.

“Hungry?”

“Mm, not really.”

Two hours.

“Gonna stop for gas.”

“Alright.”

Three hours.

“Care if I change the music?”

“Go for it, your car dude.”

Four hours.

“Fuck.”

Jeremy looked up, roused from his half-nap to look at Michael. They only had an hour and a half left so everything was more familiar and they knew the area enough to feel okay using backroads. Michael was slowing the car, pulling it over. At least the roads were empty.

“Uh?”

“I.. can’t keep driving. My brain is like.. collapsing on itself and everything hurts.”

Jeremy was surprised he’d lasted as long as he did. Swallowing thickly he sat up as he spoke, “uh.. do you need a break?”

“We need to keep driving.” There was a harshness to his voice that made Jeremy wince. “We need to go home. Can.. you drive?”

“I.. only have a permit.”

“Dude,” Michael’s voice seemed to slip into more pleading territory. “Please.”

They were both already unbuckling, an unspoken agreement. Jeremy’s hands were shaking as he crossed in front of the car, passing Michael as they swapped seats. He hadn’t driven in a few months but.. it was like riding a bike, right? He buckled up, glad he and Michael were so close in height because he didn’t need to shift the seat. However, he did adjust the rearview mirror. Just slightly. For a minute he sat there, tightly gripping the wheel with both hands.

“Dude.. put it in drive.”

“Right. Drive.”

Hesitantly Jeremy pressed down on the break, shifting into drive before pulling back onto the road. The car jolted a bit as he pressed the gas, back wheels kicking up some gravel as they got on the road.

“Fuck, man.” Michael pulled his knees up, curling in on himself in the seat. Normally Jeremy would have chastised him about car safety but he was too focused on the road ahead of him. It was mostly a straight shot, just an hour and a half. “Don’t overthink.”

Easier said than done.

At least Michael kept his mouth shut for a good fifteen minutes, closing his eyes. Well, if Jeremy looked he’d see Michael squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw. Less peaceful. More.. in pain.

“Are.. we okay?”

Okay. So they were doing this. When Jeremy was trying to drive. And trying not to keel over from a panic attack at the thought of being pulled over.

It felt like he was doing it on purpose.

“Wh-What.. do you mean?” Maybe playing dumb wasn’t the right choice.. but he was stressed!

“Are we.. normal? Are we just going to be normal now?” Michael sounded.. bitter? Jeremy wasn’t quite sure, it almost sounded mad but it didn’t make sense.

“Do.. you want to be normal?”

“I guess.”

Jeremy’s grip tightened and he spared a glance at his speedometer, lifting his foot off the gas slightly. He was getting frustrated and it showed as he slowly was getting over the speed limit.

“So..” Tension flooded his body as he spoke, for once he was sitting upright, completely. His spine was like a steel rod.

“So we.. just go back to normal? When we get home?” Michael kept his knees held close to his chest, resting his forehead on top of them.

“I..” Jeremy was ready to fall complacent, to smile and just say yes and bend completely to Michael’s will. He loved him so much it hurt. He’d do anything for him, wouldn’t he? But he also had to do things for himself. So he didn’t just say yes. He dug his nails into the steering wheel and kept talking. “No. No! We can’t just go back to fucking normal.”

“Huh?” Jeremy heard rustling as Michael sat up, suddenly, quickly. The guilt burning in his chest could rival the pure dread boiling in Michael’s blood. “What do you mean.. you.. What, are you just going to drop me again? We’re just done?”

“No! Jeez, man. Fuck.” Jeremy kept his eyes on the road, he could have burned a hole in it with that glare. Though.. there were enough potholes already.

“What do you mean then? Why?” Michael’s voice was a bit hoarse still. His breaths were getting a bit shallow and he kept his gaze turned out the window. After a moment he closed his eyes, the motion was making his head spin. He sounded so utterly broken that Jeremy considered backpedaling. It was too late, though. He made his choice. He needed to follow through.

“We can’t.. we can’t just be normal. Because I’m in love with you,” his voice broke and he choked back a sob, blinking back tears. He needed to keep his eyes on the road. “I’m so in love with you I feel like I’m suffocating whenever you’re near me. I never thought about it before because, of course I love you! You’re Michael Mell, my best friend since.. always. But when I did think about it I realized I’m in love with you too. Fully, properly. Totally in love. Now that I’ve said it I can’t stop. Fuck, man. Shit. You’re amazing. This trip has been amazing even if it was shitty it was also amazing. I’m not.. happy that.. this happened to bring us here but I’m happy you came, happy you drove me. I don’t deserve you, at all. Ever. We were shitty teenagers whatever.. but truly, I don’t. You’re Michael fucking Mell! I can’t stop talking.”

“Jer, take a breath.” A hand brushed his shoulder and he flinched at first, his grip tightening ever so slightly on the wheel. Tears finally dripped from his eyes, he blinked to clear his vision. “I.. we kissed. I thought.. that was, like, me telling you. I’m sorry we were drunk though. I thought you would, like, regret it so.. of course I offered to be normal. Dude, I can’t believe you.”

“Are.. y-you laughing?” His voice broke into an incredulous squeak - Michael liked him.

“Dummy, of course I like you too. Holy shit, I thought it was painfully obvious. I took you on like an almost two week trip across the country and bought you so much shit.”

“You.. like me.” Jeremy’s face turned impossibly red before more inevitable panic set in. “Wait.. god. How long? You’ve been so nice.. I. That time I sprained my ankle last year and you carried me to your car? I’m dumb! Shit! I.. should have known earlier, fuck.”

“Dude,” Michael relaxed back into his seat, letting out some more breathy laughter. “Jer, I like, absolutely think I’m in love with you too but.. I promise I have not been painfully pining over you my whole life like a sad puppy. You’re great and all but.. no. At first I didn’t understand why this was so important to me.. but when we went on that hike. You fell asleep on the ride there and.. dunno, man. Couldn’t stop looking at you. Then you took me to that restaurant and, shit, I was so.. happy. When you got me a prize from the crane machine. I.. think we just needed to wait for the right time. And this is it.”

“I.. yeah.” At least Michael hadn’t been sadly yearning for years. That would have broken his heart. “We.. uh.. we - boyfriends! My.. be my boyfriend?”

“I’d be thrilled to.”

“I.. uh. Okay, Jer. I gotta.. tell you.”

They were only ten minutes outside of town, ten minutes away from Jeremy’s house. They’d stop, go inside, see his dad-

“Yeah?”

“I.. okay. When my mom called. She.. was pissed. I meant to tell you but I didn’t want to ruin anything.” Michael grimaced, rubbing at his arms. “I didn’t tell them I was driving you because it was kind of spur of the moment and I didn’t want to risk them saying no. I.. I know it’s a shitty way to kick off the summer but.. I’m absolutely grounded. Like, bad. Home for at least a week if not two. They’re.. usually lenient but I did kinda run away with the car, which is only kind of mine, and spent a lot of money. Mom’s less mad now and she’s not mad at you! So, uh, don’t think that but.. Still. Sorry.”

“Oh,” Jeremy tried not to sound disappointed, failing miserably. “I.. shit. Thank.. you, though. I can’t believe you did that for me.”

“What part of I absolutely think I’m in love with you went over your head? It was the least I could have done.”

“Michael Mell wuvs me?” Jeremy couldn’t help it now, despite everything he felt warm and full of life. It would be okay because they had each other. He just had to remind himself until he could believe it. They had each other. Everything would be okay.

“I seem to recall Jeremy Heere cracking and spilling all his love for me first?”

“Asshole.” A short laugh escaped him and he raised one hand to rub at his eye.

Michael just laughed, reaching over to grab Jeremy’s hand as he lowered it from his face, holding it from across the center console. He seemed to be doing better, even if he still kind of looked like hell.

“You’ll call me? As soon as you can?” There was a hopefulness in his voice that made Michael smile.

“Of course.”

“And you’ll come see me? So we can go on a real date?”

“It will be the first thing I do once I’m free.”

“Promise?” Jeremy couldn’t help his lopsided grin, glancing over at Michael.

“Always.”

Jeremy was 17. Everything sucked. Everything. All the time. 

He fucked up. He was a fuck up. No one would love him.. no one gave a shit-

“Jer?” Michael’s voice jolted him from his thoughts and he jerked his head up. “If you needed a ride you could’ve asked, I.. thought you didn’t need one anymore.”

Things were still rocky. But getting better. 

For a while he’d gotten rides home from Brooke but in a fit of panic he told her he didn’t need a ride and hid in the bathrooms. Once everyone (so he thought) left he finally came out. He slowly made his way outside and sat on one of the benches. He had no idea why he’d done it.. He just needed to be alone.

Until he saw Michael looking down at him, he never wanted to be alone again.

“Didn’t.. wanna b-bother you.”

“You’re not, dude. I know.. everything’s weird but.. I miss driving you home.. I miss your shitty music. I’m serious, though, you can always ask me. Anything.”

“Promise?” Jeremy’s hands were shaking, clenched into fists.

“Always.”

Jeremy had just turned 14. He still felt empty, it was his first birthday without a mom. When kids at school talked about their parents he just shuffled, hiding behind Michael. Not that people talked to them, but he heard it in passing. Why did everyone’s moms have to pick them up?

“Hey,” Michael reached over, grabbing Jeremy’s hand. They were sitting cross-legged on the floor with each other. “Are you doing okay?”

His eyes drifted, scanning over Jeremy’s arms. He pulled away in discomfort, tugging his t-shirt sleeves lower.

“Fine.”

“I just.. want to help. Will..” Michael hesitated, resting his hands in his lap. “Can I look and make sure they’re healing at least.”

Jeremy felt his shoulders shake and he slowly nodded, looking away as Michael shuffled over on his knees. He ended up closing his eyes, wincing as Michael lifted the sleeve up. He heard him sigh and felt fingertips touch his skin.

“We’re going to get you help..” Michael sat back and Jeremy slowly opened his eyes. “Anything you need.. I just want you to be okay. I’ll do anything for you to be okay.”

“Promise?” His breaths were shuddering, coming out in gasps.

“Always.”

Jeremy was 12. It was harder to remember. All he knew was that he was crying in Michael’s bed. Michael’s arms were around him. He felt warm. He felt safe.

“They’re just stupid,” Michael mumbled it softly. “You’re the coolest guy ever.”

“I’m n-not!” Jeremy whined, pressing closer into him. “I’m j-j-just dumb. And I.. I.. have th-this stupid s-s-stutter.”

“Hey.” Michael squeezed him tighter. “It’s not stupid, you’re not dumb. You’re the best person, like, ever.”

“P-Promise?” Tears were brimming in his eyes, he had to be the luckiest person in the world.

“Always.”

Jeremy was 9, they stood by Michael’s locker, getting ready to go home. Jeremy was going over to the Mell’s for dinner. That made him feel a little better.

“Hey.” Michael shrugged on his backpack, flashing him a smile. “It’s fine! I’ll help you.”

“Y-You don’t need t-t-to.” Jeremy fiddled with the straps of his bag, looking down. School was hard, worksheets were hard. He just wanted to be done.

“You’re my best friend!” Michael reached out to give him a playful shove. “I’m always gonna help you!”

“P-Promise?” When Michael said they’d be friends he really meant it, Jeremy breathed out a laugh, unable to keep his grin at bay.

“Always.”

Jeremy was 6. He didn’t remember much. They sat in the back of the class, folding paper into strange shapes while their teacher went on about vocab. When it was finally naptime Jeremy felt worried, he didn’t know why. It was like he could barely breathe.

Michael laid his blanket down next to him, a frown etched into his features.

“Okay?”

Jeremy just buried his face in his hands, whining quietly.

“Hey.. take this.” Michael was pushing his plush turtle into Jeremy’s arms, smiling at him. “He makes me feel better! He’ll make you feel better.”

Jeremy stared at the plush before hugging it.

“Promise?” It was mumbled, muffled by the soft fabric.

“Always.”

Jeremy was 4. Any memories were a blur - fuzzy idyllic scenes, glowing. There was one thing he remembered.

“I’m Michael!”

“I-I’m Jeremy..”

They were probably on a playground, probably covered in scrapes and bandaids from running around all summer.

“We’re gonna be friends!”

It was less of a question, more of a statement.

Michael spoke it into existence.

“Promise?” He felt warm, he felt happy - it would take him a while to understand why.

“Always!”

Chapter Text

“Hey, hey. What’s up?” Michael flopped back onto his bed, holding his phone up to his ear. The warmth made it stick to him a bit with sweat, despite the turned up air conditioning.

“I..” Jeremy leaned back in his desk chair, picking at a thread on his shorts. He had to remember that it was fine, he could open up without fear now. (There probably would always be fear, but that was neither here nor there.) “I miss you, asshole.”

“I miss you too, Jerbear.”

“How much longer?” With a sigh, he shifted again to get up out of his chair, pacing around his room now. “I love hanging out with Christine and everyone but.. it’s not fun going out with them without you.”

“Another like.. half a week.”

“Can’t I just sneak over?” Jeremy practically whined, throwing himself down onto his own bed. “You’re a better pillow than.. like, actual pillows.”

“Best not to push. They’ve been really forgiving, the least I could do is just stay home. Besides,” there was some shifting as Jeremy heard him roll over in his bed. “We get to be roommates in the dorms. You’re going to get me every night.”

When Jeremy just sighed, not responding for a moment, Michael spoke up again - “babe.”

“Ah!” Jeremy squeaked, burying his face into his pillow. The next squeak was muffled and Michael couldn’t help but laugh in response.

“Weird?” There was a pause. “Or good?”

“Good,” Jeremy mumbled, rolling onto his back and holding his phone close again. “Makes me wanna kiss you, though.”

“Shit! Yes! I get to kiss you,” Michael’s voice dripped with excitement that made Jeremy’s cheeks heat up. “Feels too good to be true.”

“Come kiss me, then.” Jeremy knew he couldn’t, but he couldn’t help but tease - besides, it just made him feel giddy knowing that he’d be able to kiss him again soon.

“Dude - I fucking wish.” Michael groaned, “you did not kiss me enough before we got home.”

“Now I want to kiss you.”

“God, we immediately turned into that couple. We’re already gooeyer than Brooke and Christine.”

“Never thought that’d be possible.” Jeremy huffed out a laugh, rubbing at his face, as if he could wipe the blush away. “But.. yeah. Shit. I love you, Mikey. This sucks.”

“This sucks,” Michael corroborated. After a beat he gave a short cough and Jeremy would have killed to see the blush he must have been sporting as he almost sounded shy, “I love you too, Jer.”

It made him feel special - Michael wasn’t easily flustered.

michael (3:43 pm): hey rich
rich (3:45 pm): mikeymikey
rich (3:46 pm): arent u grounded
rich (3:46 pm): AND we havent talked since so congrats dude w jer
michael (3:47 pm): yes and i need a favor

Only about four hours after they ended the call Jeremy already found himself incredibly bored - he meandered around the house, pacing through the kitchen and living room. Normally he would be able to fill his time with things but it was different now. Now he was dating Michael.

He was dating Michael!

It was great but it also meant he wanted to do everything with him twice as much. It didn’t help that he’d gotten so used to his constant company. Besides, now he just wanted to kiss him. Kiss him and be held by him and feel his arms.. his hands.

With a huff he rubbed at his arms, willing his blush to go down. This was likely the only time he’d actually have to be apart from Michael - at least for a while - so he could just keep his brain pg for now. Instead he’d just think about how Michael loved him back and just told him so over the phone. It was overwhelming in the best way and he just wanted to call him back and listen to his voice. But Michael said he had to go and Jeremy just assumed his moms would be getting home. They’d probably call later that night, anyways.

In an effort to keep himself busy he headed back upstairs, heading back into his room. The heat was overbearing despite the air conditioning and deciding it wouldn’t make any difference he headed over to the window. After pushing it open he settled on popping out the screen, leaning it against his dresser before slowly climbing out onto the roof. He hadn’t been out there much, the last time was with Michael the summer before junior year. They had gone out one sticky summer night to watch fourth of July fireworks from a distance. Not only was it nice to not fight a crowd - the sound wasn’t as overwhelming from blocks away. (Michael loved to watch them but the sound had potential to make him shut down.)

It felt different this time, the sun was starting to set, it wasn’t quite dark yet. As time ticked on it started to cool off a bit too, a light breeze picking up. It felt different. It felt different without Michael but he also just felt different in general. 

Good different.

Pulling his knees up to his chest he wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. After a moment he let his eyes fall closed, relishing the light breeze. His thoughts drifted back to Michael again, his boyfriend, and he just thought about his lips, about kissing him, about waking up in his arms. It made him feel warm in a way that was different than the humid heat outside.

Some loud noise jolted him from his thoughts and he looked around quizzically until he saw someone standing in his backyard. This someone was holding up his phone and blasting I Want to Hold Your Hand by The Beatles. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, looking down at Michael Mell - he looked messy, Jeremy was sure he must have not brushed his hair after his last shower. He almost laughed at the fact that he could tell that much with such little information.

“What are you doing here, idiot?” Jeremy called down in between fits of laughter. “I’m coming down, hold on!”

(Carefully) Jeremy scrambled back through the window, leaving it open before he flung his door open, running over to the stairs and jumping down two at a time. He fumbled a bit as he pulled on the back sliding door before finally getting it open and running into the backyard in his socks. Any other time he would have made himself put shoes on - keeping his socks from getting grass stained. None of that mattered now because he jumped up, throwing his arms around Michael’s neck, clinging to him. Michael staggered a bit, backing up to catch himself so he didn’t fall.

“Watch it!” There was no real annoyance behind Michael’s voice because he just paused the music, tucking his phone in his pocket to put his arm around Jeremy, pressing kisses to the side of his head. “I brought a surprise - let’s go up to the roof.”

Jeremy couldn’t argue with that, pulling back and resting hands on Michael’s shoulders. His eyes scanned Michael’s face, taking everything in as if he hadn’t seen him in months rather than less than two weeks. Before leading him inside he leaned in, pressing their lips together in a quick kiss. “Why are you here?”

“Because I missed you, dummy.” Michael leaned in to press a quick kiss to Jeremy’s nose before stepping past him to head towards the house, holding up a plastic bag he held in his other hand. “C’mon!”

When they were settled out on the roof Michael set his phone next to them, putting on a playlist. The music was quieter now, though. He then opened up his bag, pulling out four individually wrapped bomb pops, handing one to Jeremy.

“I’ve got like.. half an hour? Then I gotta head home. Rich drove me here in case my moms got home and saw the car gone.”

“You better not get in trouble again,” Jeremy mumbled with a breathy laugh. He let his head drop onto Michael’s shoulder, unwrapping a bomb pop. “I’m really glad you’re here, though. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you. I’m like a clingy middle school girlfriend.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Michael hummed, unwrapping his own popsicle and popping it into his mouth.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, popsicles turning their mouths red, then purple when they got down to the blue part. Jeremy just tried to savor it, knowing in less than half an hour Michael had to go home and he probably wouldn’t see him for another half a week. It felt right, being with Michael felt right.

He was getting better at feeling less guilty about not realizing earlier. They just had to make the most of all their time together now. 

Night finally fell, the breeze growing even cooler. Darkness wrapped around them and Michael put his arm around Jeremy’s shoulders.

“I love you.” Michael whispered now, squeezing Jeremy close to him.

“I’m so glad.. that I have you in my life. I’m so happy that we’re here, right now.”

“I’m glad I get to have you all to myself.” Michael pressed his face into Jeremy’s hair, breathing out laughs against him as he wrapped his other arm around him too - fully hugging him.

‘I.. th-thanks, again.” Jeremy leaned into Michael, hugging him back, pressing his face into his shoulder. “For everything.”

“Of course, Jer. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.” Michael rubbed small circles against Jeremy’s back. “And I can’t wait until we can go somewhere again. We have so many museums to go see. You gotta get your license, though - that was way too much driving.”

“No promises!”

Another few minutes of silence passed before Jeremy pulled away, sitting back to rub at his face.

“You.. were right. About my mom.”

Michael watched him carefully, expression softening.

“I don’t forgive her. I don’t want to. I’m not going to pretend it’s okay. I’m.. angry. But I also.. feel better? But, because of you. You made me feel better, made me realize there are people who will care for me. You.. mean, like, everything to me.”

“I’m proud of you.” Michael spoke plainly, looking at Jeremy like he’d hung the stars just for him. It was too much and Jeremy sniffled, rubbing at his face as a few tears started to slip. “Shit, man. You make it so hard for me to leave!”

Michael pulled him close again, rubbing his back lightly.

“I love you,” Jeremy choked out between hiccups.

They sat like that, under the moon. Michael pressed a soft kiss to Jeremy’s forehead, waiting until his breathing evened out. Every minute that passed got a little more dangerous but.. Michael’s moms could be pushovers at times. Either way he knew Jeremy needed him, so he stayed just a little longer.