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junhui leans against the metal window frame, rubbing his arms to feel the fluffy bathrobe on his skin. he wishes he could open it and get a whiff of the breeze, but these fancy hotels are all just glass on the outside, rectangles of different shapes and finishes, reflecting the same light off each other, back and forth. nobody wants him falling from the ninth floor because he stuck his head out too far.
for all it’s opulence, these static moments just don’t sit well with him.
(fog rolling down the bay, car parked at the peaks. just them and the sunrise. the winter wind rises off the ocean with a vengeance, bitter in the mornings, but the crisp cold air wakes him right up, bringing joshua into his arms to cuddle for warmth.
california’s not fun anymore but it always leaves a mark.)
the bathroom door opens and joshua steps out, towel around the waist and hotel slippers around his feet. his ankles are so thin - water running down his legs, skin flushed. making a face as he towels off his hair. junhui’s going to eat him.
one, two, three wide strides and he’s tackling joshua to the bed, kissing his face relentlessly, gleefully pecking at him while he lets out a series of muffled yelps. they’re nearly bouncing on the bed, this mattress is ridiculous, but it just makes it more fun when joshua flails, helpless, before he gives in and lets himself be adored.
“was all of that necessary?”
“i missed you.” joshua flops back, defeated, head half against the pillow. junhui shuffles up, moves it properly under his head.
joshua wobbles, tries to school his face into annoyance but jun can see the way he averts his gaze, ears pink. “i was in there for twenty minutes.”
“so? you didn’t miss me? you hate me?”
he deserved to get pinched for that, he’ll admit.
(it’s that sixth sense again, that magnet in his heart that hits the back of his chest, leading him straight to joshua. the seasons change and they trade mountains for hills, watch as the desert sky grows clouded and the city lights splash across the windshield.
junhui can get bored of the same place a dozen times over, but he’ll go back and back again if he’s asked. up and down the pacific coast, following joshua’s finger across the paper maps they keep in the dashboard.
he could drive this road asleep, they’ve done it so many times. it’s boring all up until they’re there, joshua rolling up his jeans when they stop on the side of the highway, climbing over the rocks to get down to the beach.)
check out is easy, a pleasant goodbye to mr. and mr. kim, before the drive across the bridge. the clouds part only briefly, but the sunlight is startling white and the water glitters. not as many heading out of san francisco in the mornings, but joshua gets out the cassette tapes that came with the car, puts on tracy chapman because he knows junhui hates driving in the city.
(should be just them on the road - windows down, wind in their hair. imagine that: just them in this big city, the whole bay to themselves. sunlight on their skin for just a moment. joshua right in the center of it all, the smile turned to him, warming him right down to his bones.)
university towns always have a certain grimy pretentiousness to them that just doesn’t make sense when he tries to explain it out loud. you can’t be smarter than him when you don’t shower as frequently. doesn’t click.
the buildings are kind of old, makes him nostalgic for something he’s never had. from the corner of his eye, joshua seems unaffected, hand stuffed in a mega size jar of cheese puffs.
(lights off, warm hand against his chest. sleeping in a bed for the first time in a couple of days. joshua resting his forehead against his shoulder, even breaths. always so careful. only ever wants to say things the way he exactly means. Junhui appreciates the honesty as much as it drives him crazy. what’s in that head of yours?
“you know i hated it there.”
junhui nods. it’s late, and they’ve been driving for days. a little rest and relaxation is what they need. hard to ever be stressed though, the way they’re living.
“besides. how else could i have all this, with you?”
what makes you think anything else could ever compare?)
“chan!”
jun slams the car door behind him, doesn’t care that the whole frame rattles. it’s old, a piece of junk and barely functional anymore, but it’s gotten them through three states so far and he doesn’t think they’ll be dumping it any time soon.
chan embraces them both, squeezing them tight to his chest.
“you’re gonna kill me,
shit
- let
go.
"
joshua, always the frailer of the two, hits chan’s arm till he lets go. he gasps for breath, more dramatic than he has any need to be, but junhui’s rubbed off on him, made him rash and impulsive and so much more expressive with his emotions.
then again, chan really has gotten stronger.
he’s filled out now, broad-chested and grinning, the picture of youth and vitality and maybe something worthy of putting on a jesus camp brochure, he’s not sure.
(joshua confirms later that, yes, chan would be just the type. it’s an odd sort of smugness, knowing his chan could pretend he’s got a picture perfect life and no one would know any better.)
it’s hard to connect the man in front of him with the boy they’d picked up years ago, scrawny and crying, like a cornered rabbit, wide eyed and terrified of everything. jun feels stupidly proud, because even if he can count the times they’ve come to see chan on one hand, he feels responsible for the boy.
they’ve been to this diner before, but it feels new to watch chan strut through to a table by the window, more self-confident than any twenty something should be. jun thinks it’s cute, at least. joshua pinches chan’s stomach just to watch him break character and yelp childishly.
blueberry pancakes, syrup on the side. still eats like a beast.
(you get a taste of hunger once, you never forget it. years pass but he still wonders when his stomach stopped being concave. he stays up at night, thinking about the years he wandered by himself before they found each other. everything he could have ever asked for and more, caught between their bodies.)
the week passes in the blink of an eye. chan looks so proud as he walks across the stage, like he could fill the entirety of it just fine, smiling like he can see them in the crowd. junhui’s glad he can’t. he hasn’t been this close to crying in years.
chan hugs like he’s trying to squeeze the life out of him, like if he can’t go with them the least he could do is give them a broken rib to remember him by.
(they drift in and out of california as the winds push them along, but there’s something about being here that always makes it a little hard to breathe. like coming home and wondering if you’re still welcome. missing the things you know you’re not allowed to think about anymore.
joshua takes pictures of him on the granite cliffs, red firs lining the horizon behind them. new memories. some things he’ll never forget. blue skies. clouds like spun sugar. laying in the grass, pinkies brushing against each other. the sweet breeze.
some things you can never forget even if you tried.)
it feels like a goodbye.
a responsibility they can finally leave behind. he kisses chan’s sweet face, a kiss on each eye, smothering him before joshua pulls him off only to repeat the action, endlessly fond.
the seasons change. nothing ever feels worth getting off the road for till he stops and takes in a breath, lets the wonder fill him with something new each time. some comforts he gets to keep: knowing that joshua is next to him, hearts aligned, breathing the same air and sharing the view. makes the whole world feel new again.