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Haru is angry at him. No one else can tell, as closed off as his face is, but Makoto can tell. Haru is angry at him, even though he is trying very, very hard not to let it show.
It’s too bad that Makoto can read him so well, that Makoto can see the downturn of Haru’s mouth for what it is, and the way Haru keeps his hands busy in an attempt to keep them from shaking. Haru is quaking beneath his skin, a time bomb waiting to explode.
When Haru finally comes within reach, Makoto reaches out a hand and grabs him. He can feel the tremors beneath his skin, and wishes that they weren’t out of fear, but of pleasure instead. The tremors that he makes in their bed late at night, right before Haru gasps and comes like it’s a surprise, every time.
“Haru,” Makoto tries, only to get silence. A wall has been built between them, and if Makoto couldn’t feel Haru’s arm beneath his hand he would think that he was on his own side, alone. “Haru, you know it’s just part of the-”
“I don’t care,” Haru says suddenly. “I don’t care that it was part of your job. I actually listen to your supervisor, and know that what you did was risky. Because you feel like you have to save everybody.”
“It’s my job,” Makoto says gently. He doesn’t want to lose Haru--he loves Haru, every piece of him--but this is his life. When he said the words the first day of his firemen training he meant them, and he still means them. He will do everything in his power to make sure he keeps his word.
“Your job isn’t to run back into a burning building because you think there might still be a kitten inside,” Haru says, his voice hard. Makoto knows that he doesn’t really mean that Makoto should have let a kitten go up into flames, but the very idea gets Makoto wincing again, and not just from the pain.
When Makoto opens his mouth Haru doesn’t let him get a word out. “Yes, the kitten is safe. There was a little smoke damage, but she’s happy and safe and whole with her owner. Can’t say that about her rescuer.”
“But you’re here with me,” Makoto says, raising his eyebrows in surprise. He knows that this isn’t the time to be amused--he could have died, the fact that he’s sitting in a hospital bed underlines that fact--but Haru looks so disgruntled that it’s almost adorable. “Basically the same thing.”
Makoto runs his hand up Haru’s arm, over his shoulder and to the back of his neck. He can’t reach too far, not without ripping out some of the wires and tubes that are currently connecting him to the hospital, but Haru meets him halfway and leans towards him.
“If I owned you, you wouldn’t be allowed to do stupid things that put you in the hospital,” Haru grumbles against his lips. They meet once, twice, soft and sweet. Makoto wishes that they could kiss longer, that he could properly wrap his arms around Haru and keep them together, faces lingering, but they’re in public. This is the best that they’re going to get until Makoto can go home.
Haru is the one that finally pulls away. “Can’t you promise me that you’ll stop being stupid?”
When Makoto doesn’t answer, he sighs and grips Makoto’s hand.
Makoto wishes that he could promise that he would stop endangering himself, but he can’t. He knows that firemen are supposed to be more selfish, to put themselves above the people that they’re saving in life threatening situations, but that’s one part of the job that Makoto couldn’t follow completely.
“I couldn’t live with myself if I could have saved someone but didn’t,” he says finally, when the silence becomes too much, when he can feel Haru building his walls again. He knows that Haru only does it because he is trying to protect himself, but Makoto hates being stuck on the outside, all alone. “I’ll try to be more careful.”
He attempts at compromise, because that’s the only way that he knows how to bring this impasse to an end.
“Sure you will,” Haru says, but his tone is gentler now. He knows that Makoto doesn’t make promises that he doesn’t intend to keep. Not to him, and not to anyone. Haru grips his hand, opens his mouth to say something else, when a nurse comes in.
“Visiting hours are almost over,” she says, her voice gentle. Makoto means to drop Haru’s hand, but Haru won’t let him.
“I’m not leaving,” Haru says, chin out, waiting for a fight.
The nurse only looks between them before nodding and walking out the door.
“Haru,” Makoto chides. “That was rude.”
“Well I’m not,” Haru says, turning his fighting stance towards Makoto. His gaze says You will have to pull me out of here kicking and screaming, and Makoto has known Haru long enough to know that it isn’t an exaggeration.
“Fine.” He sighs, almost exasperated with Haru. He’s in a mood now and won’t be out of it until Makoto is safe at home, he’s sure of it.
There isn’t much room in the hospital bed, least of all because Makoto is not exactly a small person, but he scoots over to make room anyway. The injury in his side aches, stitches stretching a bit, but he would go through worse pain than this for Haru. “If you’re not going to go home then you’ll need somewhere to sleep, right?”
Haru only hesitates for a moment before sliding in next to him. The fit is tight, a bit tighter than Makoto expected, but Haru is careful. Gentle, even when he turns around to face Makoto.
“I love you,” Haru says, and Makoto feels his chest tighten in a way that not even painkillers could subdue.
Haru doesn’t say that he loves Makoto often, at least, not out loud. Makoto is the one that repeats it before they go off to work in the morning, after sex, whenever the feeling overwhelms him and he can’t keep it in. Haru says it in other ways, every time that they kiss, the way he always has lunch at the restaurant prepared for Makoto, the way he saves his lunch break to eat his own with Makoto.
“I know,” Makoto says. “I love you too.”
They fall asleep with their fingers intertwined. When the nurse comes in again and finds them sleeping together, Haru’s head on Makoto’s shoulder, she quietly turns and shuts the door.