Work Text:
“So, does that make Maru-chan-senpai the punk rock boyfriend?” Natsuki asks.
“I’m the what?” Ranmaru cocks his head.
Heh, cock.
“You’re the punk rock boyfriend!” Cecil responds. “Like how Camus’ the gay cousin, but you’re punk rock and have no blood relation whatsoever.”
“Since when did I become the ‘gay cousin’?” Camus questions with disapproval very apparent in his eyes.
“Um. . . When did you guys become QUARTET NIGHT again?”
Camus makes a scoffing noise and turns away.
“Gee, Cecil!” Otoya chimes in. “How do you know the word gay?”
Cecil turns to face his redhead half-brother, looking him dead in the eye. “Otoya.”
~~~~~
Cecil walks up to his proud blonde senpai. “Hey Camus, do you know what yiffing is?”
Camus turns to look at him. “What makes you believe I fucking know what yiffing is?”
“Well, you sound smart.”
Camus gets a glint of pride in his eyes and smirks. “You got that correct,” he elegantly flips his hair behind him, “but that doesn’t mean I know everything. As much as I love to show that I do, there are even some things I know absolutely nothing about.”
“Like yiffing?” Cecil tilts his head to the side.
“Like yiffing.”
Silence.
Cecil straightens himself. “Do you wanna find put what yiffing is together?”
“I won’t admit that I’m curious,” Camus responds, “but I won’t say that I’m denying it either.”
“Cool beans, buckeroo.”
“Where did you hear that from?”
“Reiji-senpai.”
“Of course,” Camus sighs. “Anywho, how are we gonna find out what yiffing is?”
“I know it has something to do with furries!”
“And, may I ask, how do you know that?”
Cecil straightens up a little more. “Otoya told me after I asked him what yiffing was. He said not to look for what it means. I asked him how he knew and he told me it’s because he was called a furry enough time to look it up within his own volition and it scarred him for eternity since.”
Camus blinks twice. “I-Is he okay?”
“Last time I heard of him Syo saw him with his head stuck into the washing machine and bawling his eyes out. Poor guy needed to be comforted, so Syo comforted him.”
Camus stares at Cecil in disbelief as he continues.
“Yeah, I wish I was there to console him too.” Cecil shrugs. “Well, I guess I can’t do that now, but I think I’ll make him some get better soon onigiri. I just gotta make sure I don’t eat them before I give them to him.”
~~~~~
Tokiya burrows his eyebrows. “I usually wouldn’t consider the idea of you eating a rat’s ass, but you’re really acting like someone who does it on the daily.”
“Shit, who told you?”
Tokiya drops his book at Ren’s immediate response. “Wh-What?!”
Ren chuckles. “Ichi, I’m kidding.” He then looks straight at Tokiya. “Or am I?” Before Tokiya could respond, Ren gets up and leaves the room.
~~~~~
“Mikaze.”
“Hm?”
“What are tiddies?”
Ai nearly spits out his jello, causing him to suddenly choke on it. He wasn’t expecting Camus to ask him a question. He wasn’t expect THAT kind of question to escape his lips either.
~~~~~
“Ah,” Natsuki bows deeply, “I’m very sorry to have bothered you with my questions, Eiichi-kun.”
Eiichi smiles and makes a peace sign near his face. “No worries; it’s all ii, my dude.”
“Oh my God, please don’t ever end your sentences with ‘my dude’ ever again.” Nagi cringes from just saying it himself.
Eiji laughs awkwardly. “Nii-san. . .”
~~~~~
Kira looks up ahead. “Sometimes I wished I was a buttered croissant.”
“Eh~? How come?” Van leans forward, getting a good look at Kira’s profile. “What does a buttered croissant have that you don’t?”
Kira looks at Van. “They’re delicious,” he answers bluntly.
Van blinks a couple of times. “Well, damn. Now you got me thinkin’ ‘bout that!”
~~~~~
“What’s a weed eater?” Eiji asks. “Nagi has been sending me videos from this show about talking vegetables, and it’s specifically this clip.” He opens up the video and shows it to Yamato and Shion.
“Weed eater?” Yamato says. “Isn’t that just a lawnmower?”
“I thought that was what stoners were called,” Shion replies.
Eiji and Yamato stare in shock at Shion.
“Hey, uh, Shion,” Yamato starts. “How, um. . . How do you know what a stoner is?”
Shion stares blankly back at them. “I’m not stupid, you know.”
~~~~~
“Oh, Kira,” Ai says. “Hello.”
“Greetings,” Kira replies.
The two stay in silent.
“You know, I really liked that song your group sang when you hijacked our concert in Season 3.” Ai cups his chin with his own hand, as if thinking about something. “What was it called again? HEAVENS Gay, right?”
Kira stares at Ai. “Yes.” He nods his head. “Yes.” He stops nodding. “HEAVENS Gay.”
“Nice.”
~~~~~
“Have you ever been hugged before, Camus?” Ai asks out of the blue.
“I’ve been in a group hug against my own will.”
“No, not like that.” Ai sits himself up. “I mean, like, hugged by one single person in a very affectionate and endearing manner. Kinda like what Natsuki does to Syo and, well, literally anything he sees as cute, but more gentle and less extreme.”
Camus stares off into the distance, likely pondering the thought over. He comes to his conclusion with a very neutral leaning disheartened “No.”
“Oh, wow,” Ai says. “Not to be blunt, but that’s pretty fucking sad, Camus.”
~~~~~
Reiji kicks the door down and cries.
Masato walks over to him and drags him away.
Syo stares at the stream of tears that follow them.
Ranmaru walks through the opening where the door would be. The door isn’t there because Reiji’s kick broke the door so now STARISH has to get a new one.
They do get paid, right? Like, we never really see them get paid. At least, not that I know of. But, they do get paid for doing idol shit, right?? Broccoli, do our bois get paid? Does Shining make it rain on their asses?
Anyways, uh. . .
“Ranmaru-senpai!” Syo gets up and rushes over to the guy he directed his voice to. “What happened to Reiji-senpai? Why’s he so sad?”
“You ever experienced walking home with your chicken nugget but then it gets swooped out of your hand by a crow and then as you stand there in shock you watch as that same crow eat and thoroughly enjoy the chicken nugget you bought with your own hard-earned cash?”
Syo blinks. “Oh. That’s painful.”
“Yeah.” Ranmaru walks over to the couch, falls on it, and knocks the fuck out. Don’t worry, he isn’t dead. He’s asleep now. You can tell because he’s snoring.
Syo sighs and gets his phone out. “Natsuki? Yeah, it’s me again. On your way back, can you and Ren stop by a store that sells doors? Yeah, we need to replace one again. Okay, thanks. Bye.”
~~~~~
Screams can be heard from upstairs.
Tokiya looks up from his book in response. He gets off his seat and walks into the kitchen to find Masato making onigiri. “Hijirikawa-san, what are you doing?”
“I’m making comfort onigiri for Aijima and Camus-senpai as the former requested,” Masato replies.
Well, that kinda partially explains the screaming.
“Alright.” Tokiya tilts his head. “Why though?”
Masato shrugs the best he can. “He says something about horror and the like. Killer mascot animatronics that want to stuff you in a suit with a long and convoluted timeline of events that span through games, books, and short stories that are connected to the lore but not exactly. Also something about how it freaks out Camus-senpai. And for some reason he mentions a purple murderer?” He puts down his onigiri-in-progress and shakes his head. “I don’t exactly understand his interest in it.”
Tokiya points at himself. “I’m purple.”
“Yes you are, Ichinose,” Masato responds. “And I’m holding a knife even though it has little to nothing to do with what I’m currently doing at the moment.”
~~~~~
“Hey, Cecil.”
Cecil looks at Otoya.
“Have you ever thought about the idea that we might have evil counterparts to us?”
Cecil nods. “I’ve thought about it a lot, actually! For one thing, I will say that evil me would most likely say the F-word om the daily.”
“Like Syo when he stubs his toe?” Otoya questions?
“Like Syo when he stubs his toe!”
“What the fuck about me stubbing my toe??” Syo yells from the lounge area.
“Nothing!!” the two shout back in response.
~~~~~
Eiichi’s glasses glint white as he proudly shouts “II~!!!”
“Wait, where are you going??” Ranmaru asks in a slightly worried tone. “Actually, don’t answer; I know that whatever you plan on doing is gonna be a bad idea!”
“How foolish,” Eiichi turns around, ”everyone knows that if you handle the situation correctly, it’ll become a good idea instead!”
Ranmaru gets up from his seat. “Since when does anything involving Camus’ strange ass kinks have a shot of being handled correctly?!”
~~~~~
“Sooooo. . .” Otoya starts. “Um, my dad and your queen—“
“I like to think of her as my new mother,” Camus interjects.
“Okay.” Otoya starts again, “So, my dad and your new mom are—“
“No.”
Otoya looks up at Camus, clearly confused. “Eh? But, it’s tru—“
“No.”
“Camus-senpai, they’re—“
“No, they are not.”
“Camus-senpai, we saw the—“
“I can’t see it, therefore it doesn’t exist.”
“You know, you can’t be in denial about it.”
“Well, I’m gonna be in denial about it.” Camus leans in scarily close towards Otoya. “Do you want to see how deep in denial I am about this? Call the Magic School Bus, Ittoki. Let’s take a field trip to fucking Egypt.”
Otoya lets out a small whimper.
~~~~~
Reiji sits on his rocking chair on his porch that is a part of his house. As he rocks himself back and forth, he watches as the sun slowly sets in front of him. As the sun falls, a single tear falls from Reiji’s cheek.
“Why the fuck do bees exist?” he sniffs.
~~~~~
“This is Melonsatopan,” Cecil announces, holding up a melonpan decorated to look like Masato. “He is a friend, a pianist, an idol, and a sweet treat. I will now eat him.”
“Oh, nice. Vore,” Ren casually says.
Cecil doesn’t even have the melonpan in his mouth before he stopped. “What’s vore?”
“oh cesshi you sweet soul”
~~~~~
Nagi sighs in defeat. “I feel like anything we try to do will easily become outdated once the months pass!”
“That’s just how life goes,” Shion responds. “I don’t think any of our fans watching us will be too upset, though.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Nagi quickly perks up. “Shion, your tone of voice was pretty strange. Is there something you know that we don’t?”
Shion looks at you, the reader, the one reading this shithole of a story or whatever. “I dunno.”
“Sh-Shion??”