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Lan Wangji didn't know when it happened, he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment his partner's eyes became glassy, his usual mask crumbling to pieces before them. He knew Wei Ying hid more then he ever let on, that coming back from the dead sixteen years after he had left life behind was hard. His heart was not as light as it had been when they first met, it was not as carefree. He swam in darkness, struggling against the tide. Wangji knew that, had seen it. Wei Ying would laugh it off, would give his assurances but would speak no more of it. Wangji did not push him, was too afraid to push him. He had pushed too hard before and it had only made Wei Ying harden his heart, pretend all the more that he could handle it. He had to wait, he had to let Wei Ying come to him but it was hard. There were times Wei Ying would look at Sizhui with such sadness that it made Wangji's heart break. He had missed him growing up, missed so much of his life. The relationship he had with Jiang Wanyin was still tense, fraught with guilt and anger. Jin Ling did not know how he was meant to act around him, torn between his temper and his desire to know more. Lan Wangji was certain that Wei Ying knew it would take time, that things would get better, could only get better but then the darkness pushed him under again and he would lose sight of that path before him.
Lan Wangji had never seen it this bad though, had never felt fear at what Wei Ying would do.
He stood there in the middle of the street, his dark hair blowing in the wind, his face pale, his eyes distant.
It was meant to be a simple night hunt, an excuse more then anything for Wei Ying to spend time with his brother. They had joined with Jiang Wanyin, the junior disciples coming with them. It was not the first time they had done it, nor would it be the last. They had the numbers, they had more then enough strength between them, it should have been simple. Wei Ying usually enjoyed the company, but this time, something was different, something went wrong along the way. Wei Ying stood there, an empty look on his face. Jiang Wanyin noticed, his mouth opening to say something before it closed again with a frown. He was still, too still. It was as if he were in another world entirely, unaware of what went on around them. Sizhui looked up at Wangji, biting his lip in concern.
Something was wrong, he could feel it too, they all could.
Had it been a demon? There had been many, and Wei Ying had thrown himself into the battle with relish, golden core or not. Lan Wangji tried not to worry after him too much, Wei Ying could look after himself but he could never help but keep an eye on him. He was sure he hadn't been hurt, hadn't been attacked. But what if it had effected him in someway? What if it prayed on dark thoughts? With Wei Ying, that would not have been hard. Wangji wished that he would speak his heart more, that he would confide in him more. He knew that the only reason he didn't was because he didn't want to worry him.
But Wangji knew. He knew it all without Wei Ying having to tell him.
Maybe it hadn't been the demon, maybe it had all just gotten to be too much, maybe the cracks had gotten too big and Wei Ying could not hold himself together anymore. Sizhui tugged on his sleeve, his eyes fixed on the man that he adored so much and who adored him in return. Wei Ying's eyes were too wide, his breaths too heavy.
"Wei Ying," called Wangji, his voice careful. There was nothing, no response, no acknowledgement. Wangji carefully detatched Sizhui, and took a step closer to the man he loved. "Wei Ying."
If he heard him, he did not respond. The dark energy crackled at his finger tips, he was so white, struggling against something none of them could see. Wei Ying pulled the knife from his belt faster then any of them thought he could. Wangji felt his heart stop, felt his fear spike. He couldn't, he wouldn't. Wangji had watched him die once, he had watched him leave him behind, he couldn't do it again.
He couldn't.
Finally, Wei Ying looked at him. There was apology in his eyes as he raised the knife to his throat and Wangji knew he wouldn't be able to reach him, knew he wouldn't be able to stop it. He was going to watch him die again, he was going to let him slip through his fingers again.
The air sparked with electricity and Wangji managed to tear his eyes away from the horror in front of him long enough to see Jiang Wanyin move into action. Zidian whipped through the air, wrapping around Wei Ying's wrist and holding it still. Wei Ying did not struggle, but emotion flashed across his face.
"Wei Wuxian!" he yelled, "What do you think you're doing?" His voice cracked, and Jiang Wanyin scowled. The Jiang Sect Leader tried so hard to be angry, but his eyes gave him away. He was scared, fearful of this man that was supposed to be his brother. Wei Ying had always said that Jiang Wanyin angered quickly to hide how he really felt, to hide the worry and fear. Wangji saw that now, clearer then he ever had before.
"Senior Wei," called Sizhui, his voice shaking.
Wei Ying looked at him, looked at the boy he cared for so much, his child, their child. He sighed, the knife dropping to the ground, the fight leaving his body. Whatever darkness had come over him, disappeared. Wangji did not care for their audience as he moved forward, as he engulfed the other in a tight hug. The rope around his wrist fell away, but Wangji paid it little notice. Wei Ying was still there, he was still breathing, he hadn't left him again.
"I'm sorry," whispered Wei Ying, his hands clutching at his robes, "I'm sorry, Lan Zhan. I don't know why, I didn't plan this, I-"
Wangji pulled back, forcing Wei Ying to look at him. "It's okay," he said. Wei Ying looked ready to argue, it wasn't okay, none of this was okay but as long as Wei Ying was alive and breathing that was all that mattered. It would be fine, everything would be fine. The darkness would not take Wei Ying away from him again.
"Lan Zhan-"
Wangji didn't want to hear anymore, couldn't stand to see Wei Ying looking so lost, so guilty, so tired. That Wei Ying scared him more then any other. He pulled the other close again and Wei Ying let out a breath of air, his muscles relaxing ever so slightly as he wrapped his arms around his waist.
If anyone else had anything to say, they stayed quiet.
Wei Ying knew they were watching him a little closer then usual, that someone was always with him. He did not say anything, but there was no doubt that he knew. If it wasn't Lan Wangji, it would be Sizhui, if it wasn't Sizhui it would be Jingyi or Jin Ling. There was always someone, and Lan Wangji was always watchful. Weeks passed by and things returned to normal. Wei Ying never had that strange, lost look about him again and no one spoke about the day he tried to slice his own throat.
He never forgot though.
Wangji couldn't, the image was burned into his brain. He had almost lost Wei Ying that day, he had almost lost him again. He couldn't just forget, he couldn't just look away and he suspected that Wei Ying knew it.
But neither of them spoke about it.
Maybe they should have, maybe Wangji should have pushed him to talk to him more. The problem hadn't gone away, it had just been pushed aside.
And then Wei Ying went missing.
No one in Cloud Recesses could find him, no one could see him and Lan Wangji felt that familiar panic return. He should have done more, he should have watched him closer, if anything happened it would be all his fault. Why did he not push him to talk? Why did he not try and ease the despair that lingered in his heart? He couldn't expect Wei Ying to come to him. What was the point in waiting if he died along the way?
"We can't find him," cried Jingyi, his eyes glancing warily at Sizhui next to him. The other was shaking, his eyes swimming with tears. He was scared. He would be devastated if they lost Wei Ying. He didn't remember it well as a child, all he remembered was that something had been missing in the years since, someone. He could not lose that someone again.
Lan Wangji took a deep breath and placed a hand on his shoulder, "We will, he will be fine," he said, softly. Though he wasn't sure even he believed his own words. He was scared too, he was terrified.
"We found him!"
"He's on the other side of the mountain! By the cliff faces!"
Lan Wangji didn't wait to hear anymore, there was no time. Maybe it would all be a misunderstanding, maybe he had only gone for a walk, but he feared that was not the case. He could hear Sizhui behind him, Jingyi no doubt with him. He couldn't think about that right now, they had to get to Wei Ying, they had to stop him before he did anything that they would all regret.
They burst through the trees, but Wei Ying did not startle. He glanced at them briefly, before his eyes went back beyond the cliffs. All Lan Wangji could see was Nightless City, was Wei Ying closing his eyes, falling back. He had been so pale that day, he had looked like a ghost himself. That was all he could see as he looked at Wei Ying now. There was less blood this time, less screams, but the fear was the same. Lan Wangji wondered if he would make it in time to grab hold of him like he did then too, he wondered if it would make a difference.
"Sizhui, leave us," said Lan Wangji, quietly.
If they did lose him, if something terrible did happen, Lan Wangjj didn't want him to see it. Sizhui shouldn't have to be haunted by the loss of Wei Ying as he had been.
"No!" yelled Sizhui, and Lan Wangji couldn't help but glance sideways in surprise. His eyes were fierce, even with the tears streaming down his cheeks. "I won't leave, I won't, not until Xian-ge is safe, not until he is okay." Wei Ying had turned back now, was looking at their son with terrible, sad eyes.
"A-Yuan," he whispered, his voice carrying in the breeze.
Sizhui looked at him, his fists clenched by his side as he shook his head, "I won't leave," he said, again.
"Wei Ying," said Lan Wangji, his throat tight with emotion.
Wei Ying glanced behind at them once more, before he sighed and took a step away from the edge, resigned. One step, two, and then he sank to his knees. Sizhui moved even faster then Lan Wangjj could, throwing himself at Wei Ying, curling into his side, his face buried into his neck. He looked so small, like the boy he had once been. Wei Ying held him, whispering quiet words of assurance into his ear.
"I'm sorry, A-Yuan, I won't worry you anymore, I promise. Hush now, it's okay. I won't leave, I promise you."
Lan Wangjj settled himself down next to them, placing a hand on Wei Ying's leg. Jingyi hovered at the edge of the clearing, unwilling to get close but unwilling to leave too. Lan Wangjj was glad that their son had a friend like him, that the Lan clan had a disciple as loyal as him. Sizhui shifted, peering up at Wei Ying with reddened eyes.
"I just want you to be okay," he whispered. "I want you to be happy, not sad. You belong here, with us, with the people that love you. You know we love you, right?"
Wei Ying placed a hand on his cheek, "Of course I do."
"You promise you won't leave us?"
"I-" Wei Ying hesitated, but only for a moment. "I promise."
Sizhui let out a breath of relief, burying himself into his neck once more. Wei Ying shifted enough to make them a little more comfortable, his eyes meeting Lan Wangji's. Wangji knew he would keep his promise, but he also knew they had a long way to go before things would be okay again. This had shaken him, Wei Ying was not the only one that would need to heal. Both of them knew it, could see it in the other. Nightless City had haunted Lan Wangji for a long time, and this had done nothing to heal that wound.
Wei Ying moved his hand to take his, to grip onto it, tightly. 'I'm sorry,' he mouthed, and Wangji sighed, shaking his head. He did not need apologies, nor did he want them. He held his hand just as tightly, tried to convey as much love as he could. He wanted Wei Ying to heal, to realise how much he was needed, that not everything was his fault.
He wouldn't let this go again, they had to speak about this, they had to open that line of communication, Wei Ying had to let him in to that last little part of his heart, no matter how dark it was. Wei Ying managed a small, wry smile, as if knowing what was to come. Of course he knew, he knew Wangji better then anyone.