Work Text:
Kazuichi’s been sitting at his desk for about an hour now, attempting to put his feelings about his soul friend, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu, onto paper. The keyword here being attempting. Currently, he’s in wonderland, writing about what he desperately wants to be between them. He places his pen onto the dark, hardwood desk, and rereads his barely legible handwriting.
I wish you’d let me count your freckles. Whenever I try to, you always notice and ask why I'm “acting like a spaz”, But hell, even when you’re being an asshole you’re still cute. I wanna kiss every single freckle you have on your body, and watch your already pink cheeks turn bright red and-
He squints, resulting in his nose wrinkling faintly. God, has my writing always been this shitty?
Kazuichi glances at his homemade clock that read ‘12:23 AM’, back at his chicken scratch on the sheet of looseleaf and despite his previous sentence, pulls another from the stack. He tries to begin writing again, but it’s not long before he draws a blank. He groans and drags his hand down his tired face, but slowly begins scribbling down every thought that comes to him.
I wonder how it would feel to make out with you. It wouldn’t matter if you were gentle or not, but I don’t think you would be based on how you always punch me. But, that’s kinda hot, so it’s no problem. Besides, I can tell you don’t wanna hurt me because of that time you gave me a nasty bruise and you brought me some ice for it, and managed to hold back from smacking me when I said some dumb stuff. Back to what I was saying, is your neck sensitive? I hope so, just so I'd be able to hear you moan while I give you hickeys, and see you-
Once again, he pauses. Is this alright to do? He wondered. Doing this with Miss Sonia was one thing, and I even got over her and threw them out, but what’s so different about this? He thought for a short moment and chuckled to himself. Prolly ‘cause he’d kick my ass if he found out. Besides, I’m not gonna make it dirty like last time, so it’s no big deal.
He rereads the letter with various sighs, groans, and thoughts of How could I even read that in the first place? With a final “Ugh”, he labels both the sheets as ‘Draft one’, and shoves them onto an empty corner. He then grabs another unused paper from the pile, labels it ‘Draft two’, and begins writing bit by bit, etching every little thing about Fuyuhiko into his brain, as if he didn’t do that already.
I remember the first time we slept in the same bed. It was in your dorm, and when I first tried to take my jumpsuit off, you yelled at me and asked “what the hell I was doing”. I somehow convinced you that it was fine because we’re both dudes. I expected you to put up more of a fight, but surprisingly you went with it almost right away. When I watched you get undressed, even though you kept your shirt and underwear on, I still must’ve turned bright red. Thank god you didn’t notice. But, I never thought that you’d have freckles on your shoulders, and holy hell babe, that’s so cute.
Kazuichi did a double-take on that last sentence. Mistake number one, don’t call him babe, and mistake number two, don’t ever call him cute. He hastily thought. The last time I did that, my ribs almost got broken. He places the paper onto the steadily forming pile, grabs one more sheet from the stack of clean paper, and labels it as ‘Draft three’. He begins to write once again, as he aims to not creep into erotica territory.
I wanna kiss you so badly, dude. Hell, even if you didn’t wanna kiss, I'm alright with that. Cuddling seems like it’d be just as good, but the closest I've gotten to that is when you fell asleep on my shoulder that one time, but I mean, I'll take what I can get from you.
Kazuichi grimaced at that last sentence. Ew, I’m not that desperate. He crosses out the last few words and continues writing paragraphs upon paragraphs about Fuyuhiko. Heh, if only I wrote this much in class. Speaking of… He turns around in his chair to glance at the incomplete homework sitting on his bag, only for him to laugh at the thought of doing it. He turns back to the note and resumes gushing.
After far too many sheets, he decides to write one more, then to head to bed. He shoves the growing pile in front of him to the side, grabs yet another sheet of paper, and attempts to label it properly even though he lost count long ago. Regardless, he starts to write for the final time tonight, keeping it as legible as possible.
Are you even looking for a relationship, and are you even into guys? I hope you are, for both those things. If you are… I'd be interested in filling that role as your boyfriend. No homo, of course. No, that’s a lie. At this point it’s a full homo situation. But like, I keep thinking about how you’d look in my blue sweater. It’s already kinda big on me so you’d probably be swallowed in it, but that’s even better.
Basically what I'm trying to say is, I think you’re the prettiest boy that I’ve ever met, and I really love you. I know that’s a strong word, but it’s been about 6 months of me liking you, so I think it’s alright to say. I don’t think you’re into anyone, but I hope that if you had to choose a guy, it’d be me. Jesus, why does it have to be like this? It’d be different if it was my uncle or friend that was into guys, but why me, and why for my soul friend? Goddamnit, it isn’t fair! Everyone I’ve ever liked, I never had a chance with. Like that girl in middle school, Miss Sonia, and now you! Fuck, I’m 15 and I’ve never even had my first kiss, let alone a partner, and it’s pathetic! Besides, you’d never be into me. You’re so perfect, with your blonde hair, money, nice clothes, personality, your... everything. You’re everything to me, and I just know you’d never give a grease bag like me a chance-
He slams his pen onto the desk, and begins replaying every moment with Fuyuhiko repeatedly in his mind, and let his tears flow freely in quiet sobs. He rereads what he wrote in a futile attempt to distract himself, as the harsh truth set in- the fact that Fuyuhiko would never accept him, and never return his feelings. He shoves everything in front of him to the corner of his desk, crumpling the majority of the papers. He removes his contacts and began to walk toward his bed, burdened by his thoughts and the fact that he still hadn’t started his homework yet.
Dropping himself onto the bed, he lets out a sob and silently thanked the school for having soundproof dorm rooms. He began to rub at his eyes until they hurt, desperately trying to wipe away the tears. Not long after, he forces himself to choke on them, the noises and hurricane of emotions getting stuck in his chest as if poison had been forced down into his throat, and had just started burning his insides not long ago. He turns to the wall of his suddenly much emptier dorm and attempts to fall asleep, hoping that the poison would cease burning his insides.
Unfortunately, good things never come easy. His head felt as if it got whacked with a hammer multiple times, and his eyes and throat felt like they’d been set on fire, burning far too hot for him to handle. He forces the thought of Fuyuhiko comforting him out of his head, as that would make him feel even worse.
He shuts his eyes yet again and turns onto his stomach, face first into his pillows. He grabs his blankets and balls them up, only to cradle them in his arms in search of any sort of comfort, but all he found was the coldness of his previously untouched blankets. He lays there on his side, with despair filling his head. Although, amidst all the despair, there was a smidge of hope - the thought that Fuyuhiko could accept him for who he is, and stay friends with him. He falls asleep with a faint, bittersweet smile on his face.
“-What the hell even kept you up till 3 AM, all the while you couldn’t do your fuckin’ work?”
“I just didn’t get it! It’s not my fault I’m stupid!” He threw his hands in the air.
“Don’t call yourself stupid, dumbass! Plus, why didn’t you just call me for help?” Kazuichi opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted. “Don’t say that I'd be asleep, either, ‘cause you could’ve called before I went to bed!”
Kazuichi rolls his eyes, and went to put his dorm key into the lock, but dropped it last second. Not moments after, Fuyuhiko picked it up and unlocked the dorm for the pair. As they stepped into the room and began removing their shoes, Kazuichi began explaining.
“Besides I…” Kazuichi hesitated, wracking his brain for an excuse. “ I wasn’t doing good yesterday. Plus, I asked the teacher if I could have an extra day, so it’s no big deal.”
Fuyuhiko opens his mouth for a moment, raising his eyebrows slightly. “The fuck you mean, ‘no big deal’? You still could’ve called me, though, even if it wasn’t about the homework.” Although his voice and eyes were laced with concern, he delivered a weak smack to Kazuichi’s head.
“Yeah yeah, I know. I’m all good now anyway, so there’s no point in giving me that look.” He turned around to look at him, gave a toothy smile, and spoke again. “Thanks though. Go to my bedroom, I'll be there in a bit, and I’ll start working then.”
With a quick nod the two parted ways, with Fuyuhiko heading to Kazuichi’s bedroom, and Kazuichi heading to the kitchen. He enters the room, and notices that the desk was especially messy today. He decides to do Kazuichi a favor, and tidy it up for him.
Hearing popcorn popping in the kitchen, He starts collecting the papers and puts them in a neat pile, although his eyes can’t help but wander and attempt to read the chicken scratch. He can’t make out most of the words, but the ones he can stand out to him.
Freckles? Pink cheeks? What, does he have a new obsession with some poor chick now that he left Sonia alone?
Fuyuhiko turns to the next page and continues reading the now significantly neater writing faster than before, as the popcorn only takes about three minutes. This time, more phrases stand out, like ‘when we slept in the same bed’. The more he read, the more he had to accept the fact that his best friend is into guys, and him. The further he got, the more his teeth clenched, and the harder he gripped the stack of paper.
He turned the page once again, and with a deep breath, resumed reading. He reads the first sentence and deems the next few pages unimportant, and flips through the papers until he stumbles upon a sheet labeled ‘Draft number whatever I lost count’, and starts from the top. He only got to the first few sentences, before he stopped and tried to hear the popping coming from the kitchen, only to hear silence.
Fuyuhiko skips a couple of lines knowing he’s running out of time, and discovers a goldmine. He picks up the pace, stumbling on a few words, but comes across four words that would’ve made his jaw drop if he hadn’t been clenching it so hard that he’s shocked his teeth haven’t broken yet.
I really love you.
Fuyuhiko crumbles the page into a ball, nearly tearing through the paper, only to flatten it back out against the desk and reread that sentence a few times with hundreds of unnameable emotions going through his head.
Goddamnit, outta everyone he could’ve picked to obsess over, he chose me! That bastard couldn’t even tell me himself-
The moment he was about to march into the kitchen and have a ‘stern talk’ with Kazuichi, his movements were interrupted by the bedroom door being playfully slammed open. Kazuichi waltzed into the room, popcorn bowl in hand, only for his eyes to widen and his face going white once he saw what Fuyuhiko had in his hands. Fuyuhiko turned to him with an expression that could only be described as a crude mix of disgust and anger and cut him off before Kazuichi could make an excuse.
“God, you’re actually disgusting! What the fuck is wrong with you?! We spent all this time together, and hell, we even slept in the same bed, but you didn’t think that I'd wanna know if you were into me?! What the hell were you even thinking? You could’ve spent your time working, but no! You just had to be a filthy fuckin’ pervert, didn’t you?!” Fuyuhiko shouted at him, his fingernails ready to poke through the pages. Kazuichi opened his mouth in a futile attempt to speak, but only a small squeak could be heard. Regardless, Fuyuhiko cut him off once again.
“Shut the fuck up, I’m not done! First, you get this borderline stalker crush on Sonia, then you get off on me just being shirtless, then you write some perverted garbage about me? Does anyone even know about this? Or did you wanna keep this to yourself so you could keep this shit up!?”
During Fuyuhiko’s monologue, Kazuichi slowly flattened himself against the wall, hoping he could clip right through it and disappear from this situation. His fists clenched and put his head down, firmly planting his gaze onto the floor with tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.
“Fucker, look at me and start explaining!”
Fuyuhiko practically stomped towards Kazuichi, only to yank the bowl out of his hands and place it onto the desk, spilling some popcorn onto the floor in the process. He walked back over to Kazuichi and grabbed his chin, forcing Kazuichi to meet his gaze. Fuyuhiko glanced at Kazuichi’s trembling hands and lips, back at Kazuichi’s tear-filled eyes, and took a step back. Taking a deep breath through his teeth, he massaged his temples for a long moment and spoke once again, significantly calmer this time around.
“Quit crying. Look, just... Sit down.”
Kazuichi slid down the wall and began hugging his knees, looking as if he could explode into tears any minute. Fuyuhiko walked to the desk and grabbed the half-used box of tissues, and plopped next to him. As he handed Kazuichi the box, Fuyuhiko parted his lips to attempt to comfort him, although he failed to form any words, and sealed them back up. He settled for running his hand through Kazuichi’s pink mop of hair, taking the wool beanie off in the process, and hoped the action would say what words couldn’t. He had no choice but to wait, and minutes passed while he had to hear Kazuichi’s muffled sniffles, each one tugging on his heartstrings more than the last. Finally, after being lost on what to do for far too long, he tried to speak once again as he placed his hand on Kazuichi’s knee.
“Hey-“
“I’m sorry, alright?!” Kazuichi took the box, placed it onto the floor next to him, and began explaining to the best of his ability while fiddling with his singular, tiny braid. “It’s not my fault that I like guys, and don’t act like I chose to like you, either! I can’t control it! Besides, if you're just gonna be a prick about it, then leave me alone!”
Kazuichi’s already shaky voice broke as he gave the hair tie holding his braid together a particularly hard tug, inevitably snapping it, leaving his hair to come partially undone. He shoots a glance at the hair tie now on the floor, and shoves his head into his hands with a groan. Before he could mumble another apology, Fuyuhiko shot up onto his knees and pinned Kazuichi by the shoulders, pushing his legs open enough for him to fit between them in the process.
“I don’t care about what or who you’re into, just quit writing about people like that, it’s disgusting! Besides, I-”
He swallows and adjusts his tie while looking anywhere but Kazuichi. Taking a deep breath, he regains eye contact and shoves his hands into the pockets of his pants, and continues with as much confidence he could muster.
“I’m gay, so don’t act like it’s some sorta bad thing, got it?”
Kazuichi’s eyes widened at that, but his teary-eyed expression quickly shifted into a sheepish smile and he received the same from Fuyuhiko. He leaned on his hand, raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, and spoke relatively calmly for once.
“Seriously? I thought Peko was your girlfriend or somethin’. You don’t exactly act, uh...” He let the wrist of his free hand go limp for a moment. “Y’know.” Fuyuhiko shook his head and flicked Kazuichi’s forehead.
He stood up and held his hand out to Kazuichi, who picked the beanie off the ground before gratefully taking it, and was pulled onto his feet. He slid it onto his head as he watched Fuyuhiko walk over to the desk, pick up the bowl, and tuck it under his arm. The two made eye contact for the first time in a long time, and Fuyuhiko lightly jerked his head in the direction of the unmade bed. He turned to begin walking toward it, only for his arm to be grabbed from behind and tugged.
“H-hey, shortcake! You can’t just leave me hanging, You gotta say how you feel about me, too!”
Fuyuhiko turned around yet again, and every ounce of confidence Kazuichi once had crumbled almost instantly, and in an instant, his hand was twiddling with his zipper.
“Eheh, I mean, do you like me in that way or… Just as a friend?”
Upon remembering the situation the two were in, and the fact that he would have to talk about his feelings, Fuyuhiko’s nonchalant expression quickly dropped as his eyes widened, and his perpetually pink cheeks went red. He quickly began scrambling to explain, all the while getting increasingly frustrated with himself for being emotionally inept. Naturally, Kazuichi began holding back a lighthearted laugh while watching him start to spew out anything that came into his head.
“-Don’t laugh, you bastard! Just-just gimme a minute! I, uh… Really care about you, y’know? I don’t wanna change what we already have, and-!” He takes a breath through his teeth, desperately trying to regain composure. Before he could start again, he felt Kazuichi place his hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle rub.
“Ah... dude. It’s fine, really. You can stop now, it’s painful to watch.” Kazuichi gave his all to sound normal, even though you could hear the disappointment in his voice a mile away.
“It’s... no big deal. All this-” He gestures to the letters on the floor. "Won’t change a thing, and I won’t stay hung up over this for months on end, I promise.” He gave a pathetic halfhearted smile and began to rub the back of his neck. Their eyes meet for a short moment, and while Kazuichi immediately averts his eyes, Fuyuhiko grabs both his shoulders and yanks him closer.
“Dammit, that’s- that’s not what I meant!” Kazuichi went from looking like a child that was told “no” (which in all honesty, isn’t that far off), to an expression a poor man would have if he found briefcases upon briefcases of money on the sidewalk, right before the euphoria sets in. Kazuichi stubbornly tries to interrupt only for his mouth to be forcibly covered by a ringed hand, and Fuyuhiko resumes raving.
“Shut up! I need to get this outta my system, or I’m gonna explode! I really fuckin’ appreciate you, and I…” He audibly swallows, his hardly visible adam's apple bobbing up and down, but he forces himself to spit it out through gritted teeth. “I like you too, and yes, I mean in that way.” He removes his hand from Kazuichi’s mouth and places it back onto his shoulder, trying to seem as composed and confident as possible despite his hand shaking as he moved it. With a deep breath to stabilize himself, he watched Kazuichi’s face turn bright red. “That good enough of a confession for ya?”
Kazuichi stared at Fuyuhiko with his mouth agape for what seemed like forever, but broke out into a classic Kazuichi smile that stretched from ear to ear. He scooped Fuyuhiko up into a tight hug, pressed their chests together and began rocking back and forth, effectively giving him a bear hug. In return, Fuyuhiko wrapped his arm around Kazuichi’s shoulder, careful not to spill even more popcorn onto the floor. They pulled back from each other, held each other by the upper arm and stared for a moment, taking in the sight of his flushed face. Kazuichi yet again gave a sheepish smile and broke the silence.
"Heyy, are we dating now, or maybe just friends with benefits? Or… y’know?” As he finished, he raised his eyebrows with a grin. Fuyuhiko shot him a disappointed look and flicked his forehead.
“Y’know, it’s not hard to tell you're a virgin.” He snickered, despite being one himself. “Why wouldn’t we? Not like we're gonna date someone else. Just don’t think we’re gonna fuck around whenever you want, you horny bastard.” He grinned and jerked his head in the direction of the letters on the floor. Kazuichi’s blush deepened slightly, and he let out an embarrassed chuckle. Suddenly, he perked up and released Fuyuhiko’s arms. He began rubbing the tips of his index fingers together, and resumed asking unnecessary questions with a goofy smile.
“Hey, uh… Since we’re dating and all now, can I kiss you? Like, right now?” Unable to contain his desires for any longer, but the fear that he’d ruin the relationship he just got poked through, and he began backtracking. “I mean- uh, nevermind! I really shouldn’t rush this whole thing, just- just ignore all that!”
The tension that was previously between the two returned, and as silence followed suit, Fuyuiko gave Kazuichi an unimpressed look. They locked eyes, and while Kazuichi fought the urge to chew on his nails, Fuyuhiko cleared his throat.
“Idiot, I wouldn’t do something just cause you want to. You should know that by now.” You could hear the confidence in his voice, quite a contrast from the lack that Kazuichi currently had. “Don’t act like that, either. If you want something, say it.” His expression gradually softened as he swallowed, and he grabbed his chin, forcing Kazuichi to look at him.“ So, you wanna kiss, or what?”
Kazuichi was sure Fuyuhiko could hear his heartbeat, and if not that, he was certain he could feel it. “Oh, uh- Yeah, just… Gimme a sec.”
Fuyuhiko looked confused for a brief moment, until Kazuichi took the bowl and placed it back onto the desk. He returned, and Fuyuhiko replaced the hand on his cheek while getting onto his tiptoes, and placed a hand on his shoulder for balance. Their eyes met yet again, with Kazuichi giving a nervous smile. Closing their eyes, they slowly brought their lips together in an inexperienced kiss, gently bumping noses along the way. Almost immediately, Kazuichi pulled away and huddled into the crook of Fuyuhiko’s neck.
“Mnn man, the hell are we even doing?” Kazuichi whined, gripping at Fuyuhiko’s back.
“Hell if I know, you asked to.” He brought them face to face once again. “Just follow me, alright?” He spoke with false confidence, as his heart was ready to pound out of his chest and fall onto the floor. Not like he’d let Kazuichi know that, though.
They resumed their previous position and they brought their lips together again, and instead of Kazuichi pulling away, he wrapped an arm around Fuyuhiko. He hesitantly began moving his lips against the others, and Kazuichi did as he was shown, Fuyuhiko stumbled on his tiptoes, resulting in him being pulled away slightly and cursing under his breath. Kazuichi pulled away as well, only to be met with Fuyuhiko yanking him down to his level. Kazuichi, only now realizing that Fuyuhiko wanted this as much as he did, felt heat build in his chest as he smiled into the kiss.
Fuyuhiko had never imagined what kissing Kazuichi would be like for the shame that followed each time he dared to even think about it, but this was much better than anything he could've thought of himself. The way Kazuichi smiled into it made him melt, finally receiving the tenderness from him that he'd wanted for so long. He carefully ran a shaky hand through his bright pink hair, tugging softly at the strands, receiving a subtle whimper as Kazuichi pulled their bodies even closer together. Eventually, Fuyuhiko began to pull away, but not before he gently captured Kazuichi’s bottom lip, letting the kiss linger a second longer.
They soon fell into a silence that wracked Kazuichi’s nerves. He could feel his pulse in his throat, and he’s sure that if he moved his legs would give out on him. Fuyuhiko shoved his fists into his pockets as he backed off somewhat, giving Kazuichi the space he looked like he so desperately needed. Surprisingly, Kazuichi broke the silence first.
“Just makin’ sure one last time, we are dating, right?” While playing with his zipper, he shot Fuyuhiko a smile that he thought only a nervous dog could make.
“Of course. I just don’t make out with anyone, y’know.” He laughed, dug his hand around in his pocket, and pulled out a key. “Here, I forgot to give this back.” He took Kazuichi’s shaking hand and dropped the key into his palm. He examined it and gave Fuyuhiko a beaming smile.
Fuyuhiko smiled back and Kazuichi tried to begin talking, only for Fuyuhiko to shoot him a look that shut him up real quick. His smile grew into a sneer as he continued. “Hey, dumbass. Forget you gotta do your essay? Just cause we’re together now, doesn't mean I’m gonna let you fuck off and do whatever.”
Kazuichi groaned and his smile dropped immediately. “Seriously? I’ll start it tomorrow, it doesn't matter now! We can just keep going where we left off!” He bit his lip and the smile returned. “Or maybe we can even do a little somethin’ someth- Ow!” The second those words left his lips, Fuyuhiko stomped on his foot.
“Knock it off, you horndog! I told you, you’re working.” Fuyuhiko shoots him a glare, although his cheeks had more color than usual.
He starts rummaging in one of the desk drawers, and pulls out a hardcover notebook, a hot pink mechanical pencil, and a hair tie. He turns to face him and thrusts the notebook and pencil at his chest. While Kazuichi takes both items into his hands, Fuyuhiko begins to rebraid his hair as Kazuichi whistled.
“Hey, you can braid?”
“Mhm.” He glanced at his watch and shoved his hands back into his pockets. “When me and Peko were younger, she could never get her braids right. She taught me how so I could help her out. Now c’mon, sit on the bed so you can start already.”
Kazuichi did as he was told, and Fuyuhiko plopped next to him as he flipped the notebook open to a clean page. Kazuichi wrote his name as neat as he could in the top corner as Fuyuhiko rests his head on his shoulder, and soon after, Kazuichi plants a kiss onto his forehead.
Maybe working wouldn’t be so unbearable for once.